#Yuki Unlocked Something™

[thiefofcrows]

       Kaz saw Yuki flinch and he tried to ignore the sting in his heart. He was reminded of the ache of tears at the back of his throat and he swallowed thickly, took a steadying breath. It was all he could do to stifle the way his panic forced it to come out in sharp bursts. His head was pounding, he felt raw and painfully exposed and every twinge of pain came with a sense of acute understanding of what Yuki seemed to be feeling.

       Maybe — the pain was distracting and all it made Kaz want to do was withdraw … but he physically couldn’t back away any further. Soon enough, with his muttered apology, Yuki retreated, leaving Kaz alone. With it came a gradual relief from the continuous thrums of pain. All that was left was a hollow ache and the lingering panic — the latter of which eventually receded, exhaustion draping over him like a heavy blanket.

       He too retreated to his room on the top floor, ignoring anyone who tried to speak to him — their collective voices caused his head to throb, but tension finally bled out of him once his own door was closed and locked behind him. It was the first time in a long time that Kaz felt exhausted enough to actually collapse into bed and sleep. It had taken a great deal of effort to remove layers of clothing, to change into something comfortable for once — but as soon as his head hit the pillow, Kaz drifted off near instantly for once.

       Even asleep, however, his unconscious mind puzzled over what it was he’d experienced, how it had all happened, what it meant. He had the terrifying sense that Yuki now knew things about him that no one else did — which had already been true before, considering the brief time they’d met as children. It was believed that Kaz Brekker had practically materialized out of nowhere, that he wasn’t even human. That the touch of his bare skin burned like brimstone, that he had claws beneath his leather gloves, whispers that he was, in fact, a demon that roamed the Earth.

       Yuki knew that he’d been nothing but a hopeful child once, that he’d had a big brother, that he’d loved hot chocolate, puzzles and magic tricks.

      Kaz suspected he now knew more about Yuki than anyone else did, too — his own secrets hadn’t been stolen without being given foreign secrets in return. Yuki, who’d lost everyone he loved in one terrible moment, knew exactly who was to blame and felt the simmering rage of revenge that Kaz understood so well. Yuki, who’d taken nearly as many beatings as Kaz, who’d been manipulated into letting someone violate him over and over again for years.

       Yuki, who retained his good will, his gentleness, his hope, despite the continuous horrors he’d been subjected to … who struggled to believe he didn’t deserve all of it in some way or another.

       The warm, gentle relief he’d felt sweep through him when Yuki had seen Kaz staring back at him and thought I am safe … it was a sensation, a feeling that he believed would haunt him for the rest of his days. Perhaps haunt wasn’t exactly the right word, but … every single time he saw Yuki’s expression soften, it would no doubt hit him like a wave every time. Kaz didn’t want any of it, he wanted to tear it all from his mind, from his chest.

       But he couldn’t.

       The next day, Kaz had made up his mind to completely disregard all of that for the time being —forever, if he could manage, but somehow he doubted it— and instead focus on the ability itself. It could be a tool, a weapon that could be used effectively in a fight, maybe even more manipulative purposes … but even if Yuki elected to avoid using it that way, they had to ensure it never happened again, not without proper control. It could be just as lethal to Yuki as to someone else and that thought filled him with an urgent anxiety that he wasn’t inclined to dwell on.

       When he entered the training room, Kaz was relieved to find Yuki waiting for him. A part of him had worried that he might not show — but he practically sensed Yuki’s anxiety, his dread … and those small trickles of hope that somehow still remained, despite everything. Kaz couldn’t explain how he knew this; it came to him as easily as breathing, without conscious effort and it too was something he wasn’t inclined to dwell on, either.

       Instead, he approached Yuki, his dark eyes steady but perhaps not as impenetrable as he’d like them to be. He stopped a foot or so away from Yuki and, after placing both leather clad hands atop the crows head, leaned on his cane. Kaz tilted his head thoughtfully, his expression still containing its sharp edges, but … it was softer somehow.

       ❝I’m going to need you to tell me exactly what happened yesterday,❞ he rasped, his tone conveying both patience and authority simultaneously. ❝Whether or not you want to use it in a fight is entirely up to you — but leaving it unchecked and uncontrolled is not an option, Yuki.❞

There was a strange mix of panic and shame inside Yuki, the latter coloring his cheeks red. He felt exposed. Not knowing for sure if Kaz had seen anything -- and if he had, Yuki was desperate to know what it was -- triggered Yuki's intense desire to hide. His body had been violated plenty of times, but this was different. Never before had Yuki felt so stripped bare, and if his body hadn't been holding him prisoner, he would've fled immediately.

With Kaz's words the spell was broken, and Yuki could finally move. Just in time to catch himself as a pair of gloved hands shoved him back by the shoulders. Kaz's emotions, even muted, flared up in Yuki's mind, like a rough touch to an exposed nerve. Yuki winced as though he'd yelled. His head was pounding and he felt raw.

He feels violated, too.

The thought came without warning, the realization that this was Yuki's fault. He had no right to feel this way when he'd been the one to forcibly expose the inner parts of himself to Kaz, accident or not.

Guilt, cold and heavy, flooded Yuki's chest, rose up into his throat. Kaz was looking at him like an animal wounded, trapped. There was no doubt in his mind that Kaz hadn't wanted Yuki to take a glimpse into his soul, either. He should apologize. But right now, all Yuki could think about was getting away.

Yuki realized the taste of decay had disappeared, replaced by sweet honey and a flower that Yuki could not picture. The new taste eased some tension in Yuki's shoulders. It was comforting, familiar, but he wasn't sure why.

"I..." Yuki looked away. I'm sorry. Two words that shouldn't have held Yuki hostage, and yet they were impossible to get out -- but until he got them out, he couldn't run away.

"Sorry," he mumbled. And with that his body was released. Yuki turned and forced himself not to run back to his room. Once there, he relaxed somewhat, but that guilt and shame remained. Yuki felt heavy, like there was a weight from within his chest pulling him down. He locked the door.

Finally, he let himself think about what he'd seen, what he'd felt. Pain, fear. So much fear. A black abyss that swallowed him whole, where no screams could be heard. It was so unexpected. Not him, never him. Nothing scared Kaz Brekker. Except...

He'd guessed how Jordie died. But such a visceral reaction to the dead bodies spoke of something else, something worse, Yuki just couldn't put his finger on it. One emotion colored those horrendous memories; betrayal.

Kaz had always been a fan of solving puzzles. Now Yuki felt as though he'd been given one instead, one Kaz himself couldn't finish. Glass shards that would inevitably cut Yuki's hands as he put them together.

If he were given permission to try...Yuki was sure it would be worth it. But only if Kaz allowed it. He wouldn't invade his mind like that ever again.

He and Kaz were scheduled to train the next day, and a sense of dread filled Yuki alongside a strange urgency. He barely slept. And by the time the clock's hands shifted into place, he still hadn't figured out what to say.

But he had to say something. He had to apologize, he had to make sure Kaz was okay, that Yuki hadn't damaged him by losing control. He didn't have the luxury of running away this time.

As each minute passed in the training room, Yuki felt less and less hopeful. Was he hoping Kaz would come, or was he dreading it? More confusing feelings plagued his mind, but still Yuki waited, too anxious to focus on one thing for too long. He looked at the walls, the windows, the training equipment and weapons. But the floor was where his gaze always returned.

The door opened and Yuki looked up. Now was the time to find out just how much he'd screwed up. Images flashed through his mind before he could stop them -- being kicked out of The Dregs, cast out onto the street, leaving Yuki well and truly alone.

Of course, he'd been there before, hadn't he?