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aquamarineicecream · 5 years ago

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Rewind Sanders Sides Superhero AU - Chapter 1

Ao3 Link

>Chapter 2

Plot Summary: When a group of superheroes show up to kill him, it's just another Wednesday for Virgil Messana. After five years of being on the run, he's used to the idea people want him dead. That fact is just an unfortunate side effect of having the power to destroy everything you touch.

What does surprise him, however, is when he finds himself agreeing to join those superheros and become part of the team. It's not long until Virgil learns that all the heroes have chapters of their lives they'd rather keep unpublished, along with events they'd rather not relive. And, as he spends more time with the team, he realizes that he may know certain members much better than he'd originally thought.

Virgil longs for a moment to figure everything out but by then it's too late. He's already caught up in a bigger scheme; one where they no longer have the power to control their own destinies. With every movement monitored and every action proven to be calculated, the lines between allies and enemies blur, leaving Virgil caught in between. When the stakes are inevitably raised, the remaining heroes must do all they can to change the future of the world. But time has always been a cruel master, and sometimes the only answer is to rewind.

Chapter 1

It was a hell of a way to die. Alone. Friendless. He pressed a hand against the dark spot of blood that was rapidly spreading through his skin-tight suit. Everything was cold. So cold. Why was the world going so numb? He couldn’t stop shivering. The blood seemed to never end. His vision was blurring more and more to the point where it was impossible to see anything clearly. He knew that logically the next step would be to get to a hospital but after everything that had happened, everything that he had done, it was better this way. The others were safer this way.

It was getting hard to breathe. He pulled on the collar of his suit, desperately trying to loosen it at least a little bit even though he knew that all his efforts were futile. The man knew it was too late for him. He could feel himself losing his grip on reality and he was sure his eyes were deceiving him as he thought he saw a blurry shape coming towards him. Who would save him now? Who would want to? ‘It’s done,‘ he thought.

His world went dark.

~~SEVEN MONTHS EARLIER~~

Virgil hunched his shoulders as he hurried down the street, trying to go unnoticed by blending in with the crowd. His method had worked for the most part over the last five years yet Virgil continued to live in fear everyday, sure someone would figure him out especially now that he’d been in the same city for what he considered to be way too long. Every time he went out, he became even more anxious considering all the things that could go wrong, but even though he despised it, he still had to eat and it wasn’t like his food was going to buy itself.

After what felt like forever but was really only a few minutes, he reached the bus stop and wasn’t surprised to find it was already crowded with people. The afternoon rush had begun and though he knew how dangerous it was to be surrounded by so many people, he had learned from experience that this was the easiest way for him to get to places undetected. Virgil stood near the back of the small crowd, simultaneously waiting for the bus and wishing it would arrive faster. He shifted uncomfortably, trembling hands concealed in the deep pockets of his black hoodie as he lowered his gaze to stare at the scuffed toes of his shoes. Despite this, Virgil was keenly aware of how the eyes of the man to his left kept flickering to steal glances at the black clothed boy. Though the strange man stood among lawyers and businessmen he looked much more like a high school teacher thanks to his black button down shirt and blue tie, not to mention the fact that he was holding a rather thick book on astrophysics. His black framed glasses just completed the look and although the man appeared mostly unassuming, Virgil was instantly suspicious.

By the time the bus arrived, Virgil, feeling uneasy thanks to the man still beside him, hung back as the rest of the crowd surged forward. He hunched his shoulders closer together as people moved past him and remained that way until he was sure the teacher had gotten on already. After he was certain of that, he boarded and quickly moved to the back of the bus to take a seat in the closest corner to an emergency exit. The bus ride itself was uneventful for the most part and though the teacher kept looking at him, Virgil did his best to ignore it until the man’s stop came. Virgil got off at the next stop and from there walked only a few minutes to Wal-Mart. It typically had enough people that he wouldn’t be suspicious nor memorable but not so many that he would become overwhelmed. He liked to keep that reassuring thought in mind but unlike most days, the moment Virgil stepped inside the store he knew he had made a mistake.

The store was swarming with people as far as the eye could see. Virgil’s eyes widened as he froze on the spot. The automatic glass doors closed behind him but he didn’t even notice as he just took in the magnitude of people inside. He could feel his heart racing and his palms were getting slick with sweat as he stayed rooted in place. He felt his body trembling slightly but it felt distant, as though it wasn’t him at all. He couldn’t do this. Not now. Not today. He watched detachedly as people pushed past him, some in costume, some just carrying bags of candy. He forced himself to try and take a few shaky steps into the store in the direction of the grocery section as he pulled his already zipped up hoodie tighter around himself with his one rule on repeat in his mind. ‘No skin can be exposed.’

He risked a glance in the direction of the most crowded area of the store and his eyes locked onto a collection of plastic orange pumpkins. They looked down on Virgil, their painted on smiles appearing mocking and cruel in the young man’s eyes as he stumbled back, desperate to leave. He could feel himself losing control and suddenly wished that he’d brought the black gloves which were currently sitting on the bed back in his motel room. He took another step back and had been prepared to turn and flee before his back hit something large and solid. He thought it was a shelf at first before he realized it was talking. “Hey! Watch where you’re going, will you?” Virgil felt a large hand on his shoulder as he turned around and came face to face with an unbelievably good looking man who seemed to be about his age. At any other time he would’ve been taken aback just by meeting someone this attractive but Virgil was too distracted to even register it. The man seemed vaguely familiar as did the symbol on the shoulder of his white, skin-tight costume which somehow resembled the suit of both a fairy-tale prince and a superhero. Virgil disregarded it though so as instead to focus on the man’s breathtaking purple eyes when suddenly something resembling recognition passed through them. Virgil quickly pulled away from him and the man seemed to stumble on his words before blurting out an abrupt “wait!”

Virgil ignored him as pushed past the stranger so he could get outside. He started walking as fast as possible without attracting too much attention. Virgil was starting to get disoriented again as he rushed across the parking lot, concentrated solely on trying to get away. He glanced over his shoulder, quickening his pace when he saw the man had followed him out of the store.

“Hey! Hot Topic! Wait up!” Virgil winced as the loud voice reached his ears. Couldn’t he just go away? Virgil had been having enough trouble as it was before he met his dream man who somehow knew him, so why couldn’t he just leave before Virgil died on the spot? Virgil knew that realistically he was way too skinny and underfed to outrun a man who was the literal personification of the word fitness, but he was too stressed out to care as he took off running in the direction of his motel. He could hear the pounding of the man’s feet coming up behind him until that was suddenly replaced with the sound of tires screeching to a stop accompanied with a loud crash.

Virgil almost fell in surprise at the noise as he cast a furtive glance over his shoulder and was shocked by the sight that greeted his eyes. A car had been quickly turning a corner when the man had ran in front of it, resulting in him getting hit. The man was in obvious pain lying on top of said car’s windshield which had shattered under his weight. Virgil shuddered involuntarily at the sight but he knew he had to get out of there before the stranger got up so he started running again, only stopping to catch his breath once he was well out of the man’s sight.

Despite not seeing the handsome stranger pursue him any further, Virgil kept running all the way back to the motel, only allowing himself to stop for breath two more times. He was so close. So close to blessed solitude. Only one street away now. He glanced over his shoulder and let out a small breath of relief when he saw that no one had been following him. And yet, when Virgil walked into the motel and unlocked his room he couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense that something was wrong. Nonetheless, he was tired, ready to let his guard down, and wanted to sleep for a week, so Virgil simply closed and locked his door before going to the moth-eaten bed and falling back on it.

He kept his eyes closed for a minute while he fished his black gloves out from underneath his back before opening them to study the frayed objects. He had just noticed that one of the fingers on the right hand glove had a small hole in it when a glint of yellow caught the corner of his eye and he jerked upright. He dropped the glove back onto the bed as he made eye contact with a man who had been casually leaning against the wall by the door in Virgil’s room for who knows how long.

The man was dressed like a classic comic book villain in all black with two gold embellishments across the front of his shirt and satin gloves made of the same gold which flaunted a black double headed snake embroidered on the back of each hand. A larger and identical symbol but in shimmering gold had been stitched over his heart on his onyx ankle length cape. The mysterious man also wore a black bowler hat to complete his look but the most terrifying part of it all was his face. The right half was covered by an intricate, pitch-black lace Venetian mask. The left side on the other hand, had been left uncovered to expose stunningly realistic looking snake scales which covered the entirety of that side along with several prominent burn scars. The man’s yellow, snake-like eye stared right back into Virgil’s own panicked brown eyes.

Virgil leapt to his feet, quickly backing away from the intimidating man and he started to go towards the small window in the room as a means of escape. The intruder held up his hand as if telling him to stop but made no attempt to stop Virgil himself. Virgil, seeing his opportunity and seizing it, bolted for the window, his trembling fingers rushing to unlock the semi broken latch which was the only thing keeping him from making a break for it.

“Ah, ah, ah. Not so fast.” The man had a smooth, velvety voice that Virgil instantly hated. “You’re not gonna get out that way this time. I learned my lesson already. Partner, you’re up.” The words had just left the man’s mouth when Virgil felt someone’s hands on his shoulders pulling him back from the window.

They were smaller than those of the man Virgil had ran into at the store seemingly lifetimes ago, but the amount of fear that these hands instilled in Virgil was incomparable. Virgil jerked back, pulling out of their hold and spun around, backing up until the backs of his legs hit the rusted bed frame. When he looked at his attacker, he instantly recognized the young man from a thousand different news stories, interviews, magazine covers, and even a few commercials. His name was known nation wide and he was one of the most famous superheroes to ever exist. This hero was called Morality.

Virgil couldn’t help but gape at the man. Morality was known for saving kitties from trees and helping firefighters save people from burning buildings. He was not a killer. And he certainly didn’t look like one either.

Morality wore a skin-tight white suit that displayed a large sky blue ‘M’ on the front. His hands were gloved just like his partner’s but instead of gold, they were light blue which faded back into white at his wrists. He too had a symbol: a heart with glasses which was stitched in gray on the top of each wrist. But his gray cape on the other hand was significantly shorter than his partner’s, falling just above his knees. Slowly, Virgil raised his eyes from gazing at the cape’s arctic blue inner lining in favor of finally meeting the stranger’s eyes. Dark brown eyes met startlingly innocent teal ones and Virgil quickly moved his gaze to study the white mask covering a large part of the stranger’s face. The mask itself was exquisite; there were silver designs resembling flowers surrounding the intruder’s eyes and continuing onto the upper left side which curved up to form a cat ear on top of his head.

“If the two of you are done gawking at each other, I’d love to get this mission over with in this century.” The formerly smooth voice cut through the room like a knife and both men turned to look in the direction of the one who had spoken. It only lasted for a moment though before the man in white looked back at Virgil and took a few steps forward.

“I’m really sorry about this kiddo, but we have to do our orders.” The strangest part was that as the man kept advancing he truly did sound sincere. Virgil couldn’t meet his soon-to-be-killer’s eyes again, instead opting to stare at his white and gray backed boots. He vaguely remembered hearing somewhere that the shoes even had rocket in the heel, allowing the hero to fly. Those would really have been useful to him right then if he was able to get out of the room. But then again, Virgil had already been on the run for so long he wasn’t even entirely sure why he kept trying to outrun the inevitable. Though he knew that he could just touch the wall to his left and he would have a way out, Virgil doubted if it was worth it. The past two years hadn’t been kind to him and if the worst happened today, Virgil hoped that they would at least have the mercy to make it quick. Virgil braced himself, ready for the strike that would finish a job so many others had failed at before. Morality reached out as though ready to strangle him but hesitated for reasons unknown to the emo.

“Dee, I can’t do this,” Mortality said quietly. The man who Morality was addressing looked mildly disappointed in his colleague.

“If I reminded you that he is responsible for two civilian deaths, would that help?” The man sounded sarcastic, causing Virgil to flinch at his statement, but his almost-killer simply nodded.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” He spoke quickly as he reached for Virgil again. Virgil closed his eyes, resigned to his fate.

“Wait.”

Virgil’s eyes flew open, shocked by the sudden noise and it appeared Morality was just as confused by it as he pulled his hands back after only having lightly brushed the skin on his victim’s neck with a gloved finger. Morality took a small step back from Virgil, looking at his partner questioningly.

“What if the boy proves useful to us? What if something happens and we end up needing someone of his specific skill set?” Despite the man’s calm and collected exterior, he sounded genuinely concerned by this. He moved for the first time since he had shown up in Virgil’s motel room, taking a few steps towards the pair in contrasting colors. “Morality don’t harm him,” he commanded in an authoritative tone.

“But our orders-” Morality started hesitantly before he was cut off by the smooth-talking man.

“I said don’t harm him. Don’t question me, M. And move back, give the boy some air.” Morality, appearing very grateful for these new orders, obeyed, while Virgil just stared at the man who had both endangered and saved his life in the span of five minutes. After about a minute of tense silence, the stranger finally spoke again. “I have a proposition for you. Let’s call it a job offer since really that’s more of what this is.” He paused for dramatic effect. “You obviously seemed like you knew Morality here, so how would you like a job of your own as one of Earth’s mighty defenders? Obviously you wouldn’t be able to be as well-known as him and definitely not as famous as Creativity but perhaps you could be like me, staying under the radar and laying low. Working behind the scenes to change certain things and do certain tasks. So what do you say?” Virgil stared at him, completely dumbfounded. The young man was sleep deprived, hungry, and couldn’t remember the last time something had ever gone in his favor so he was quite certain this all must be a hysteria-induced delusion.

“No.” The quiet yet powerful word echoed around the room, creating tension once more as he turned down the larger man’s offer.

“No?” was the only question the latter posed, narrowed eyes silently conveying his demand for an explanation.

“No,” Virgil replied simply. He surprised himself when his voice didn’t shake as much as it normally did when he was put on the spot. “You wanted to kill me until you somehow miraculously changed your mind and decided I wasn’t worth it so now you want to give me a job as some kind of superhero? I’m not buying it. This is some kind of twisted trick, a lie, a scam. Listen, if you want to kill me then get it over with. If not, then get out cause I’d actually kind of like to take a nap in peace right now.” Virgil crossed his arms and glared fiercely at both of the invaders. He wasn’t entirely sure why he was so inclined to snap at them or why he felt no fear for his own well-being while doing it, but he was certainly sure of how annoyed he felt in that moment. He was sick of his same old routine of constantly having to look over his shoulder, and if these costumed people wanted to put an end to it then he was fine with that. If not, he was already growing tired of them and the fact that all of this was turning out to just be a waste of his time.

“We’re not going to kill you - I think.” Morality had a much softer voice and it was clear who the leader of the mission was as he glanced at the man he called ‘Dee’ for guidance.

“Exactly,” Dee confirmed. “We’ll give you a job, shelter, protection, and benefits just like the rest of us have. You might even get a good amount of money out of this so I’d recommend reconsidering.” Dee looked at Virgil, imploring him to agree. “Oh, and we won’t try to kill you again,” he added, more as an afterthought.

“Why should I trust you? You broke into my room, for starters,” Virgil fired back, still glaring.

“Well technically we didn’t break anything. The lady at the desk gave us the key,” Morality offered as reassurance.

“And you shouldn’t trust us which is exactly why you should say yes to this. You won’t be forced to stay against your will and you’ll be safe from a mercenary who I know for a fact has been watching you all day trying to beat us in killing you first,” Dee added. Virgil just sighed. He absently wondered if the mercenary the man had referenced was the attractive man who had gotten hit by a car while he was at Wal-Mart. Or maybe it was the teacher from earlier that day who had been watching him, but Virgil supposed it didn’t really matter who they were in the end. He knew he had nothing else going for him and that when one had no better options they should usually go with the least bad one. He also knew it wasn’t every day that opportunity just happened to break into his room and try to murder him, so he might as well make the most of it and even if things did go downhill, he could always get himself out of there one way or another.

“Fine. I’ll go with you. I have nothing else to do with my Wednesday night, so sure. Just go ahead and lead me to your lair.” Virgil looked flat out bored with all the negotiating at this point yet the moment he agreed, a satisfied smirk spread across Dee’s face.

“Perfect. It’s all settled then. Just get your dollar store gloves and we’ll get going.” Virgil bitterly scooped up his formerly forgotten gloves from the bed behind him.

“Don’t insult my outfit, Mr. Silk Hands. Or should I call you Mr. Ridiculously Extra?” Virgil snarked, looking way too proud of himself when the snake faced man appeared offended by his comments.

“Actually, you can call me Deceit,” the man replied icily.

“Oh great, like that’s not ominous at all,” Virgil muttered sarcastically under his breath. Morality apparently had overheard him and let out a small laugh. Virgil almost smiled at the sound and though they had just met, he couldn’t help feeling at least slightly good about the fact that he had just made a famous superhero laugh. The feeling only increased when he caught sight of the annoyed expression on Deceit’s face.

“Okay, so off to the Headquarters we go!” Morality declared cheerfully before leading the way out the door. Virgil briefly wondered what he had gotten himself into, but rather than choosing to dwell on it for too long he simply sighed, resigning himself to all the possibilities as he followed the caped hero out the door towards whatever his life was about to become.

Next Chapter>>

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samanthasroberts · 6 years ago

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7 Dumb Back To The Future Products You Won’t Believe Existed

A good 80 percent of Cracked’s content is devoted to peeling back the kaleidoscopic layers of WTF-ness contained within Back To The Future, but this article isn’t about that. Nope, this is about an even more ridiculous topic: the many confounding ways people tried to squeeze big bucks out of the Back To The Future flicks.

This ordinary tale of a time-travelling eccentric and his pet teenager has spawned such baffling shit as …

#7. The Back To The Future Cartoon Was A Fucking Crazy Parade

As we’ve mentioned before on the site, Doc Brown’s character-concluding decision to father children with a historically dead woman and blast through time in a screeching lightning train was reckless at best. And so it’s only natural that the 1991 Back To The Future TV show would follow the horrific mishaps of this family, sandwiched with live-action science demonstrations by Christopher Lloyd and an oddly mute Bill Nye.

They’re like the Penn and Teller of mad science.

But despite its audience of the young and curious, an average episode of Back To The Future: The Animated Series played out like Rick And Morty episodes Adult Swim rejected for being too bleak. Don’t believe us? The pilot for the series starts with Doc’s younger son Verne stealing the time machine and traveling to the Civil War … followed by Doc finding a photo revealing that little Verne died for the Confederate Army.

“But hey, it says here that the Alabama chapter of the KKK is named in his honor.”

Doc eventually prevents this by creating a truce between Verne’s Confederate pals and the Union, and the gang happily flies home like they didn’t just irrevocably alter the outcome of a Civil War battle. That’s basically the story of the series, as Doc, Marty, and Doc’s kids manhandle historical moments while Doc’s wife Clara waits back home with sandwiches.

In the third goddamn episode, Doc brings his kids to the very moment the dinosaurs are wiped out by a meteor, saving the group by hastily stopping the comet and changing the future into a lizard-ruled wasteland. (One of said lizards looks like Biff, implying that a Tannen once fucked a dinosaur.)

This means that Doc is forced to go back and kill the dinosaurs himself, re-altering his actions so that the meteor gets back on a collision course with Earth … but not before one of his kids befriends a scared pterodactyl. So how does Doc handle this unfortunate attachment? Obviously, the rest of the series would involve the group goofing around with their adopted dino friend. I mean, otherwise, he’d have to …

… tear his son from the sobbing grasp of a doomed animal …

… stuff him into the time machine and fly away …

This also serves as the official series finale for The Flintstones.

… and watch as the comet tears through the atmosphere and vaporizes the boy’s dinosaur pal. That’s seriously what happens in the special “watch all the dinosaurs die” episode of this nightmare series. Happy Saturday morning, assholes!

#6. A Japanese Video Game Made BTTF 2 Into Crazy-Ass Anime

Anyone who played the early Back To The Future Nintendo games knows that whoever made them clearly didn’t bother to see the movies. Either that, or Back To The Future Part III cut a scene in which Marty ingests a crazy amount of peyote and starts seeing mutant cow men everywhere.

Presumably named “Beef Tannen.”

The Japan-only Back To The Future Part II Super Famicom game, on the other hand, tried to follow the plot of movie … and somehow ended up being even weirder. You control Marty, who spends the entire time on his hoverboard — because, realistically speaking, if you owned a hoverboard, why the fuck would you ever not be flying around on it?

The game starts on a grimly prescient note, with trigger-happy 2015 cops shooting at Marty for no apparent reason.

When we reach the alternate 1985, Marty goes around fighting disoriented crackheads, mistaking their agonized gasps for taunting chicken noises. Marty then discovers his murdered father’s tombstone, and he … seems pretty copacetic with this development, all things considered.

Doc, on the other hand, turns into an angry pink Gollum.

If you’ve ever wanted to see these iconic moments reimagined as demented Sailor Moon episodes, you’re in luck. When Marty discovers the 1950s girlie mag instead of the sports almanac, the mere sight of boobs gives him a stroke.

Which is weird, because this is after meeting his mother’s gargantuan dystopian breasts. Marty’s perma-smirk in that scene is somehow even creepier than when he was standing at his dead dad’s grave.

Also, why are they in the Technodrome?

By the time Biff seemingly vampire-bites the almanac away from Marty and gets covered in a sea of 16-bit horseshit, you’ll probably never see Back To The Future the same way ever again.

“I won’t close my mouth. I deserve this.”

And speaking of which …

#5. A Hot Wheels Biff Car … Complete With Manure

There aren’t a ton of Back To The Future toys, but the ones that do exist are mostly DeLorean-based. There’s a DeLorean Lego set, a remote-control DeLorean, and even a Power-Wheels-esque DeLorean for ’80s kids whose parents wanted them to explore their confused Oedipal feelings outside the house.

Sadly, this kid was easily taken out by Libyan terrorists.

So it’s only natural that the DeLorean be adopted by stalwart toy car company Hot Wheels. Recently, the company decided to expand their Back To The Future line to include not only Doc’s DeLorean …

Oh, sorry. Doc’s “Time Machine of Indeterminate Brand.”

And Marty’s sweet 4×4 …

“Complete with two coats of wax and Fat Biff’s tears!”

And even Biff Tannen’s Ford Super Deluxe Converti– oh, shit.

You can get a non-poopy version for an extra $300.

Yes, they produced a beautiful classic automobile overflowing with rancid manure, as seen in that scene and that other scene and that variation of the scene. It looks like an amusing Internet Photoshop job, but it’s a real toy which you could go buy right now … or, you know, make at home yourself with a toy car and some laxatives.

Couldn’t Hot Wheels have mass-produced Doc’s hover-train? Or one of those kickass police cars from 2015? Nope. Instead, we get the shit-encrusted rapemobile. Think of all the ways kids could play with this. “Oh no, Biff’s car got covered in manure … again …” Assuming your kid even knows what Back To The Future is, how are they supposed to integrate Biff’s car with their other Hot Wheels products?

“Yes! The race is delayed due to track turds!”

#4. ZZ Top Turns All The Characters Into Ogling Creeps

Along with “The Power of Love,” Huey Lewis and the News wrote “Back In Time,” the surprisingly engaged recounting of the events of Back To The Future from Marty’s perspective. Sadly, we were less lucky with ZZ Top’s “Doubleback,” a jabbering spray of temporally-themed rhymes in no way related to the third film.

The one band you’d think you could trust to hitch their beer-drinking, hell-raising wagon to Wake-Up Juice, but noooooo.

Now, “Doubleback” is a fucking abomination, an artistic charley horse clearly farted out 12 minutes from the studio call time. But then there’s the music video, which superimposes the band into random clips from the movie in such a disjointed, cookie cutter way that it comes alive like a serial killer’s scrapbook.

GOOF: ZZ Top were only teenagers in 1885, so they shouldn’t have beards yet.

It’s everyone’s third-favorite time travel movie, perpetually interrupted with the looming presence of three guys who look like the personification of bathroom assault. By the end, they’re literally sticking their faces over the action so that we don’t forget to be bummed out by their existence.

We’re all for them supplanting Marty’s mom in this scene to make it less creepy, though.

But the weird stuff begins when this monochromatic onslaught changes the movie’s finale to include a pimped-out ride randomly rolling into Marty’s standoff with Mad Dog Tannen …

… and releasing three jean-short bombshells of various ’90s fabric patterns and foxy accessories, to which the movie’s characters react with stock disbelief appropriated from the original scene.

OK, we have to admit that these guys clean up nicely when they shave.

That’s right — Doc reacting to Marty’s fakeout death is the same expression as his boner face. Or maybe he’s wondering how a Cadillac Sedanette went back in time without a bunch of nonsense sticking out of its hood. Either way: boner.

#3. Pizza Hut’s Back To The Future Ads Are Rather Sad In Retrospect

Having the ability to engorge on a puck of meat and cheese has been every child’s dream since Marty’s mom hydrated a Pizza Hut pizza in Back To The Future II.

The most fantastic concept here is a 2015 pizza without a gimmicky crust.

So delicious. At least, if you ignore the fact that eating a waterlogged dough slice sounds like a fucking nightmare, and that the Pizza Hut of this future solely makes the equivalent of microwave meals. In fairness, the brand’s own advertising campaign had a slightly different take on their role in the future:

Their kinder, gentler take on Robocop was probably their lamest (and most inaccurate) prediction of all.

According to one 1989 commercial, the Pizza Huts of 2015 are built like techno mosques. It makes sense in the context of the ad, which begins with two unknown ruffians taking the DeLorean out for a spin, presumably after swiping the keys from Doc Brown’s ransacked corpse.

To save you 15 minutes on IMDb: It’s Mikey from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

The ne’er-do-wells zoom to 2015, where, to the sad grumbles of their stomachs, they find the streets barren of any pizza eateries, as Domino’s has long been converted into a hardware chain. Luckily, there’s still one place in business, and it’s the all-hail Pizza Hut temple.

The Noid was executed after a show trial in ’94.

It’s unclear why a restaurant that makes cookie-sized products needs multiple neon spires, but it probably has to do with the announcer’s assertion that, even in the future, Pizza Hut is the “only one place to get a great pizza.” The fact that Pizza Hut was envisioning an all-exclusive Demolition Man scenario with their brand is made that much more heartbreaking by the company’s actual 2015 situation:

Also depressing: the current state of journalism, since no one realized this graphic should be a pie chart.

Turns out that all the movie projector pizza boxes and eye-tracking tablet menus in the world can’t get us to that Utopian Italian palace where dressing like it’s the ’80s is still hip and (according to another tie-in ad) absolutely everyone wears futuristic solar shades.

The nuclear fallout has melted all of our eyes by now.

#2. Doc Brown Teamed Up With Doogie Howser For Earth Day

Back in 1990, people were really committed to saving the environment … as long as the extent of that commitment was appearing in some kind of extravagant TV special instead of cutting back on fossil fuels. Regardless, this newly-discovered sense of eco-awareness led to one of the craziest moments in pop culture: The Earth Day Special.

The special starred a slew of wacky creatures, like the Muppets and Danny DeVito and E.T., who looks to have been living in a filthy alley since the events of his film.

He’ll touch you with his “magic finger” for $5 and some Reese’s Pieces.

Since this was the year that Back To The Future Part III came out, Doc Brown naturally joined the cross-promotional fray. Who better to promote environmental activism than a guy who hoards large quantities of plutonium in a garage in a residential neighborhood?

The loose plot of the special is about the personification of Mother Earth dying. Doc Brown shows up in his DeLorean and offers his assistance to the doctor in charge of healing Mrs. Earth — who, because this was 1990, is Doogie Fucking Howser.

“Not even Edward James Olmos’ mustache could revive her.” “We’re doomed.”

Doc whips out his suitcase TV and shows them footage of how screwed over the Earth is, which is kind of a dick move, considering how she’s right over there. It doesn’t help that the clips are seemingly stock footage pretentiously edited together by first-year film students.

“What are those ladies doing with that cup …?” “Whoops, wrong year.”

As always, Doc ends up finding the solution: science! Not any specific science but, like, the act of reading and shit. Look, it was 6 a.m. and someone wanted to finish that goddamn children’s TV show script already.

#1. The Back To The Future Novelization Gets Dark

Movie novelizations are generally terrible, but the one for Back To The Future takes it to a whole new level. It’s the Back To The Future of bad literary cash-ins.

“What do you mean it’s not about a kid with a camera who farts fireworks?” — the author, probably

The book opens with a vivid description of a dead family getting bent out of shape by the detonation of a nuclear bomb, which turns out to be a scene from a film Marty is watching. This never comes up again in the book — because the author is too busy thinking up even crazier, tangentially BTTF-related shit. For instance, we get a scene featuring the Libyan terrorists casually hanging out in a shitty motel, which answers the question you always had: Yes, one of them is a psychotic former fashion model.

You can only be told to look “sexy like tiger” so many times before something inside snaps.

And she doesn’t mind offing Doc Brown because he … “looks Jewish.”

Doc goes commando in his jumpsuits in this version.

Even when it’s a scene we recognize from the movie, the author’s prose manages to make everything seem a tiny bit seedier:

Not that “Let’s hire your attempted rapist as our live-in manservant” is any less creepy.

The novel also features the most disturbing context for the phrase “giggled naughtily” in all of fiction:

A parent’s naughty giggling is typically reason #1 Protective Services gives when taking away their child.

The whole book is so bizarre and creepy that it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that it was imported from the shitty alternate 1985. And we’re only scratching the surface here. A whole other book could be written just pointing out all the fucked up moments, page by page. Did we say “could”? We meant “someone on the Internet did exactly that.”

Source: http://allofbeer.com/7-dumb-back-to-the-future-products-you-wont-believe-existed/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/11/7-dumb-back-to-the-future-products-you-wont-believe-existed/

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obikinbigbang · 8 years ago

Text

Summaries!

(I’m so sorry these are late.) Artists take a peek at these summaries and have in mind which you would like to work with. Please remember that if you are under 18, you will be paired with a SFW fic. I don’t know which ones fully are which, but there are some clearly NSFW ones, so don’t cling to those. It’s not gonna happen. (I don’t mean to be mean, but this is just how it is.) Anyways, love the ideas folks!

These are the ones that were submitted. Still need to submit a summary, or would like to post an updated/longer version?

Please do so here!

Also if you know there will be NSFW, please let me know, so we can help plan ahead of time.

★ by @anibun-skywalker [NSFW]

Anakin was a freshman at Coruscant Republic University with a full ride basketball scholarship. His skills had been rumored to have been the best in the area, but of course, only by high school standards. Anakin quickly discovered that the head coach, Obi-Wan Kenobi, was the most attractive man he had ever seen in his life. He only intended his coach to remain just that; his coach. Too bad that didn’t work out like he planned.

★ by @prideandprejudiceandkittens [NSFW]

Anakin and Obi-Wan crash-land on the Planet of the Living Force. And, Anakin being Anakin, finds a glowing cave and walks straight into it. When he comes out, he's not alone. A creature of pure Force-dust and soul, his daemon, walks beside him, powerful enough to manifest daemons in those around her. Now back at the Jedi temple, Anakin, Obi-Wan, Padme, and even Mace and Yoda find their lives destabilized by the presence of their soul, palpable and alive, next to them. (To artists: daemons are animals, an idea taken from His Dark Materials.

★ by @darthvders [NSFW]

So my fic is a professor!Obi-Wan and TA/GA!Anakin au where Anakin has just leaving an abusive relationship with the help of Padmé. Obi-Wan is a Philosophy/Ethics professor and Anakin is his GA /TA who is in graduate school to get his masters in both philosophy and psychology (he's a double major). Obi-Wan doesn't feel like he's ready to take on a GA/TA and comes off as standoffish which leads Anakin to think he hates him. It's a slow burn friends to lovers with Anakin going to therapy and realizing that yes he does deserve to be happy. The abusive relationship is more implied and is only in the first chapter, with the occasional flashbacks. This fic will be nsfw but the nsfw will only be between Anakin and Obi-Wan.

★ by @blumyosotis [SFW~]

Ben was born in a distant Moon where the inhabitants worship and are descended from the Starbird, a great flaming bird that is the personification of the Force. He was sent to the Jedi when he was young and apprenticed under Yoda. Years later, in a mission with Qui-gon Jinn to save the Naboo Queen, they emergency land in the planet Tatooine and there he meets a young boy called Anakin who holds the galaxy in his eyes... and apparently can see his wings. He brings(in a manner of speaking) the child back with him to the Temple. Anakin chooses to become a Jedi to help people and becomes an unofficial padawan of Ben. When he is older, the two goes on missions to help a torn kingdom, rescue royalties, topple a dicatorship, and help incite a slave rebellion. Anakin totally loves his master.

★ by @ninadown [NSFW]

Just smut, and lots of it. #Master kink #daddy kink Obi Wan, Anakin and Padme live in New York in a poly relationship. Obi Wan comes from money and can be a bit arrogant at times. He is a New York Times reader and he also works as a negotiator for the UN, and as such, is a Very Important Person. He has the ear of the president on occasion. Anakin is a bit flighty, and is a very high in demand male model. Not that this has gone to his head…When he’s not obsessing about working out, he’s obsessing about his Master. He has somewhat of a rivalry with Padme when it comes to his Master’s attentions. Padme is a hard working chef at a posh restaurant. She is very competitive and sometimes her work tends to occupy all her time. In fact, she may be a bit of a workaholic. Until she gets distracted by the boys…. Padme loves when her daddy spoils her with attention, it really takes her mind of her stressful job. She may have a competition with Anakin, but at the end of the day when Obi Wan isn’t home they definitely know how to distract each other….

★ by @cuddlykoalas [NSFW]

Anakin gets taken in by Sidious when he's still a boy on Tatooine. As a young Sith Lord trying to survive in a galaxy quickly descending into war, he meets Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight, tea provider and all around mother hen. That's not exactly improving his life expectancy, though.

★ by @grayjedii [NSFW]

Recently knighted Anakin Skywalker is assigned a simple transport mission at the Council’s insistence. Upon arriving on Dantooine, Anakin discovers that his “cargo” is a dangerous prisoner whom he must escort to Coruscant where the man will be safely contained in the Jedi Detention Center. However, not all goes as planned, and as Anakin finds out, not everything is quite as it seems concerning the prisoner. Additionally, fresh in the young Jedi’s mind is the death of his master, Qui-Gon Jinn. As he attempts to come to terms with the loss, Anakin is drawn into doubting his past, his beliefs, and the Order itself. Complicating things further, Anakin is unable to resist his fascination with the prisoner, Obi-Wan, and develops a strange attachment to him. It should be unsettling—the extent to which Anakin connects with this man—instead, Anakin finds it all too natural, like stoking a fire that had always been there, lingering between them in long-forgotten dimness. Whispers of the Sith’s return do nothing to quell the situation, and somehow, Anakin finds himself falling not to the darkness, but for Obi-Wan.

★ by @ice-mint [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

Anakin lives a boring life in his mother's farm near the dessert Town of Tatooine and works in a minumun wage job. All of that is going to change when he witneses an ongoing mission and picks up the dashing J.E.D.I knight Obi Wan Kenobi. In a world in the verge of war Anakin Skywalker may have what it takes to become part of a shady organisation and stop a tyrant from gaining ultimate power. (I dont know yet if there will be smut, but count on lewd jokes and make out sessions,)

★ by @selcier [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

Anakin decides that in order fulfill his prophecy of the Chosen One, he needs to take up the Father’s demand to stay on Mortis. Anakin believes that this will enable the War to end quickly. Obi-wan supports his decision with the caveat that he be allowed communication with Anakin. He is proud of Anakin for putting aside his worldly wants in order to follow the guidance of the Force. However, over the course of Anakin’s stay on Mortis, he begins to lose less and less of himself while become immersed the Force. He lacks initiative and is distant from the events in the rest of the galaxy. Obi-wan finds this change disturbing and eventually realizes his attachment to Anakin after the parts of his personality are lost to lethargy. Also, Anakin’s actions do not seem to affecting the War in the Republic’s favor. More and more systems are falling under Separatist control, the Senate bogged down in committees and inaction and the Jedi are decreasing in numbers. On a mission to Onderon with Ahsoka (whose training Obi-wan has taken over), Obi-wan feels the lack of motion in the War and chooses to aid the rebel group in guerrilla tactics. His methods are beyond the scope of self-defense and the Council deems them Terroristic in nature. He is ordered to return to Coruscant. Instead, Obi-wan finishes his task and decides to liberate Anakin from Mortis. Anakin wakes up in the Jedi Temple on Coruscant to find that he has missed two years of the War. He is frustrated that his actions were in vain and angry at the Force for its deception. He finds out that Obi-wan has been Court Martialed for his actions and is being held in a GAR military prison. Eventually, they have words about their goals and expectations while Obi-wan is awaiting trial. (This story will probably play out in a nonlinear fashion with hints to past Obikin interactions. Clearly there’s no ending yet!)

★ by @stopaskingme [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

[AU] Obi-Wan is a hermit, herding shaak on the grassy dunes of Osten, Stewjon. He had no intention of attending the Skywalker clan's annual gathering of Force-users. Until the Prime Minister of Stewjon came begging at his door.

★ by @thishereanakinguy [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

Post-ROTS AU. Anakin makes the right decision in Palpatine's office, but ends up suffering the consequences. Effects of the Force Lightning has damaged his health, and Padme has still died, the twins with her. In mourning, Anakin struggles to piece his life back together. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan is tasked by the Council to keep an eye on their Chosen One: he made the right choice once, but could they trust him to do it again? Could they trust him not to cause himself harm? Short answer is no. Long answer is Obi-Wan and Anakin dance around each other and their feelings until they can't anymore.

★ by @askgrelf [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

In the wake of his premature death, Anakin is left trapped in the physical realm as a Ghost. Confused and troubled, with pieces of his past left unfixed and broken, he struggles to come to terms with what was his reality as truths, lies and corruption are revealed in a twisted puzzle between the Jedi and Sith. All the while watching helpless as Obi-Wan begins to succumb to the fate that should have been his. All while slowly fading away out of existence - and the Force - eternally as he and his master both remain lost afoot. (Heavy angst, inspired by the song "Dear Agony").

★ by @imaginaryanon [SFW~]

Modern day London; Anakin Skywalker, a young man who's accidentaly always in trouble with the law, is in bigger trouble than usual. He's about to get his ass locked up when a fancy, suit-wearing stranger arranges for him to be discharged. The stranger introduces himself as Obi-Wan Kenobi and leaves Anakin with more questions than answers as well as an address of a tailor shop in Savile Row. But not before he takes Anakin for a drink at a local pub and, after they're rudely interrupted, proceeds to beat up four grown men into unconsciousness without so much as breaking a sweat. "Well fuck me," Anakin whispers in shocked awe. "At least buy me dinner first," Obi-Wan replies, grinning. [basically a Kingsman AU but, like, even gayer]

★ by @musicandfandomtrash [SFW]

Anakin goes missing in the outer rim and it's up to Obi-Wan to find him. But after almost a year of searching, he's beginning to lose hope. With Satine dead and Ahsoka gone, he's isolated and lonely. He never had the chance to tell Anakin what he truly meant to him. And now he's afraid he never will. When Obi-Wan is sent a planet in the outer rim, he meets a very young girl who may have the information he's been so desperately searching for. Will this be what leads Obi-Wan to his love? Or will this supposed lead turn into a trap?

★ by @skywalkerssassyginger [NSFW BY DEFAULT]

As far as he knew, Obi-Wan hadn't signed up to be the exclusive, pioneering member of the Anakin Skywalking Disaster clean-up crew. However, when Padme Amidala shows up on his doorstep, neck bruised and heavily pregnant, of course he couldn't turn her away. Anakin's gotten involved in the Sith. You'd be a fool not to know the name of the gang, or speak of it in anything higher than a whisper. Of course Anakin had been getting into nothing but trouble since they had last spoken, just short of a year ago. Soon after, Padme dies in childbirth. Her eyes drift away with a pen in hand, Luke and Leia Kenobi drawn out in soft cursive.

★ by @autisticanakin [NSFW]

Anakin Skywalker is a cloaked force-sensitive working in the Senate as the new Coruscant representative under Palpatine's guidance. Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Senator shortly returned from a leave of absence, can't stand him, with Senator Skywalker's reputation being that of a morally grey, pleasure seeking, bribe taking scoundrel. When the threat of the Sith becomes evident in the galaxy, Senator Kenobi sets to researching. He soon finds himself put on senatorial assignments with Anakin Skywalker.

#summaries #obikinbigbang2017 #obb2017 #obikin #admin a

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suffocationpitarchive · 8 years ago

Note

( CONFESSION!! )

SEND ME CONFESSION & I’LL RANDOMLY GENERATE A NUMBER FOR MY CHARACTER TO CONFESS…

IX - TO BEING A VIRGIN.

HE IS IRON FORGED, hammered from the coldest steel, weathered and worn but still standing after all the lives he has taken, all the bloodshed endured, unbroken, unbowed. A man towering at six foot seven, broadly built; the personification of strength, power, DOMINATION. And yet, and yet — within Her presence, this ingot born boy man is as malleable as warm candle wax, weak and enervated to Her devil’s charms. They say women have a STRANGE power over men, capable of bewitching and seducing, ensnaring their hearts within slender little fingers. No normal woman ever ignited Evan’s interest during his time as the heir to the MacMillian estate. To him, women were all the same. As bland as a field of white flowers, each smelling vaguely the same, appearance perhaps different in the way some petals were cream, others feather-white: but in this metaphorical field of boring blanche, he could not bring himself to pick one from another. Could not find someone who grabbed his attention — certainly not in the ways She has, red blossom in this field of starch. Despite his strength and power, MacMillian willingly abdicates this in Her presence. That hardened, coal like lump in his chest BURNS for Her, and Her alone, fills his core with smog and embers, for she drowns every single one of his senses, smothers and chokes him in ashy embrace —- and he allows Her, because it is the truest and most genuine thing to love he’s ever felt. He could not love no mortal woman. No mortal woman ever understood him, ever saw him for what he truly was, the threads of flesh-made suit slowly coming undone. But She has seen all of him, and accepts him wholly. AS MONSTER & MAN.

Her kisses leave him reeling, wanton and certainly hungry for more; stirs up the blood in his loins, awakens a decades old famine from the deepest recesses of his mind, one that claws viciously, scrapes at his insides with thick haggish claws, tries to escape the confides of marrow cage, overflow and flood through the rough execution of wandering hands, an open mouth, and hitched breath. Evan has found in Her presence he is more willing to engage in the darkest of deeds, and what little humanity he has left is charred, rises thickly to the surface like blood in salt water. The three key elements that have driven human nature since conception are his only goals: the hunt and the feast have already taken place; he has slaughtered and raised up four upon rusted pedestals for his Empress, and the itch inside of him that longs for the spillage of crimson and to see the Goddess well fed has been stated. But there is something else that burrows into his skin like a cockroach to weak wooden flooring. It is that same fire that swallows his bosom, swallows his mind whole with thoughts of HER. He has never extinguished this lust, never pressed for it to be STAMPED OUT, for secretly he is impuissant and fears Her knowing. And yet, and yet — it is times like these, as a newborn killer of the fog, with their limbs entangled and his soul still young and naive, heart swollen from infatuation, he finds it so very hard to resist.

Bodies wrestle to strip each other of clothing, scarlet from sacrificed bodies still staining the floor of the basement, noises of want heavy in the shell of his ear, feels Her talons scratch his skin. This is the furthest they have come, and very easily he could give into this, Lord knows he wants to feel every inch of Her skin against his. But as he feels Her grasp slip to touch him, to pull apart the ties of his trousers, Evan TENSES, becomes something akin to a mannequin, stiffens as if his body is made of marble. “Stop.” It’s rasped, hoarse with effort, calloused fingers curling around a pale wrist while slim digits caress the growing bulge within the confides of leather. Their eyes meet — Hers, black as the deadest night, half-lidded and somewhat lustful; his, umber and wide with strain, fret. Evan wets his lips, glances away as he forces the words to leave his throat gruffly. “I cannot… give yer what y’ want…I cannot perform the duty. I’m not a whole man. I have not…” He has not known a woman’s touch in the ways he knows other men have. He is, in the most simple of terms, virginal. Evan knows what sex is, knows that it is supposed to be the thing men strive for; a comfort, a release, a pleasurable pastime found in the arms of many a gullible, naive girl, or weary prostitute. In his time he may of fooled around with a few lasses here and there, fumbling blindly, kisses a little hard and awkward from a lack of experience… arguably his kissing techniques are far better now, but he never stuck anything inside a woman that wasn’t his ring finger, or rusted meat cleaver, for his father drilled into him the fear of ever bringing forth a BASTARD into the world. A leech on ones fortunes, a leech on ones life. Not something you could bury in a casket and toss away to the deepest, darkest part of your mind, let it gather dust and FORGET all about it. Archie had told Evan the worst and most dishonorable thing a man could do was bring a bastard into the world, something that would threaten a trueborn’s claim to the ESTATE, the FORTUNE, to EVERYTHING. A bastard would destroy all his father’s efforts into ensuring their family remain one of greatness, with no shame attached and no shadow, and so devoted and fearful of his father, MacMillian had sworn to never bed a woman outside of wedlock, to keep such a carnal sin within the holiness of a golden-banded marriage, the union between man and wife. But here, he doubts very much there will ever be a wedding between himself and this centuries old deity. He has pledged himself, loyal as a dog, and in time his reward will become scared markings of protection, of a HIGH PRIEST, alongside the position of Her consort. He loves Her, and truly would give anything to be with Her in such a mannerism — but his biggest fear when it comes to the Entity, is to disappoint and dishonor Her.

Blackened fingers caress his heat-flushed features, cheeks pink from embarrassment, Evan swallowing hard as his muddy gaze flutters open. He could never lie to the Entity. She would know it without question, the all-seeing, all-knowing creature She is. He parts his lips to speak, to express his truth — but he only manages a small, “I have not ever made love t’a woman,” before She silences him with the soft press of her mouth upon his, feels how Her nails catch the edge of his jaw, rakes through uncut stubble. Still, the iron man is unmoving, uncertain, even as She roams from features to jugular, peppering whatever parts of his scarred flesh She can reach, hand slipping to curl in the back of his hair to pull SHARPLY. Evan will always be putty in the Entity’s grasp, always will bend at the knee for Her — even now, She leads this display of affection. He feels his body bend forward without him even thinking to do so, Her lips grazing against the shell of his ear. Evan senses every hair on his body stand on edge when She speaks, that unfathomably ancient voice purring lowly. All at once, he finds he is eager, elevated, and yet somewhat anxious, just by ten words alone. That is the power She holds over him — that seduction & DOMINATION none other could ever possess, for no mortal woman could ever control him, ever have the strength to HURT or EMPOWER him. But the Entity is no mortal woman. Nor is the Entity truly a woman at all. Like he, the deity rarely shows its true self to the naked eye without killing the unfortunate. Perhaps that is why they are so well matched. In some ways, they are similar. In others, extremely different. But Evan knows he has pledged his love and loyalty to a being far more powerful than he — and after tonight, he will wait with baited breath for these heated moments between them, where the TRAPPER sheds his metal mask and indulges in what could be considered a bloodthirsty copulation, formed from their desire, and his own twisted masochism.

“Then I will make you a whole man, my darling.”

#monstrousshrine #≺ ♕. BENEATH THE MASK. ≻ — ( ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀᴇᴅ ᴀsᴋ ᴍᴇᴍᴇs. ) ❜#≺ ♕. V: DEATH IS NOT AN ESCAPE. ≻ — ( ᴅᴇᴀᴅ ʙʏ ᴅᴀʏʟɪɢʜᴛ. ) ❜#≺ ♕. I’LL WORSHIP LIKE A DOG AT THE SHRINE OF YOUR LIES. ≻ — ( ᴇᴠᴀɴ / ᴇɴᴛɪᴛʏ. ) ❜#[ LEL #EVAN ADMITTING TO BEING A VIRGIN O BOY ]#nsfw.

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adambstingus · 6 years ago