#Yomiko Kusanagi

[cextra-loz]

Oh anime is your comfort series? Oh you are anime girl obsessed?

name eveyr anime girl >:3

2B (Nier: Automata)

Mikasa Ackerman

Yūko Aioi

Taiga Aisaka

Ritsuko Akagi

Moka Akashiya

Homura Akemi

Alita (Battle Angel Alita)

Misa Amane

Android 18

Anita Hailey

Ann Takamaki

Aqua (KonoSuba)

Ami Asai

Athena Asamiya

Mina Ashido

Tsuyu Asui

Asuna (Sword Art Online)

Cagalli Yula Athha

Atoli

Rei Ayanami

Ilia

Baby Bonnie Hood

Belldandy

Benten (Urusei Yatsura)

Queen Beryl

Blossom (The Powerpuff Girls)

Boa Hancock

Alisa Bosconovitch

Euphemia li Britannia

Sarah Bryant (Virtua Fighter)

Bulma

C.C. (Code Geass)

Cammy

Carrot (One Piece)

Caulifla and Kale

Michelle Chang (Tekken)

Chi (Chobits)

Chi-Chi (Dragon Ball)

Chun-Li

Lacus Clyne

Jolyne Cujoh

Tomoyo Daidouji

Golden Darkness

Dejiko

Lala Satalin Deviluke

Momo Belia Deviluke

Nana Astar Deviluke

Chrome Dokuro

Ed (Cowboy Bebop)

Elena (Street Fighter)

Emma (The Promised Neverland)

Ami Enan

Junko Enoshima

Etna (Disgaea)

Felicia (Darkstalkers)

Maya Fey

Mia Fey

Pearl Fey

Anya Forger

Yor Forger

Haruhi Fujioka

Chika Fujiwara

Toko Fukawa

Yuno Gasai

Rias Gremory

Toru Hagakure

Sakura Haruno

Hatsune Miku

Misa Hayase

Lucy Heartfilia

Leona Heidern

Hestia (character)

Kagome Higurashi

Himawari Kunogi

Hinako (anime character)

Tohru Honda

Hsien-Ko

Hinata Hyuga

Yuko Ichihara

Midari Ikishima

Orihime Inoue

Lum (Urusei Yatsura)

Konata Izumi

Sagiri Izumi

Yumeko Jabami

Oscar François de Jarjayes

Kyoka Jiro

Abigail Jones

Juri (Street Fighter)

Jynx

Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)

Kaho Mizuki

Nezuko Kamado

Kamiya Kaoru

Madoka Kaname Midna

Mitsuri Kanroji

Urumi Kanzaki

Karin Kanzuki

Yuu Kashima

Ayumu Kasuga

Sakura Kasugano

Misato Katsuragi

Tomie Kawakami

Ami Kawashima

Nadeshiko Kinomoto

Sakura Kinomoto

Kyoko Kirigiri

Saya Kisaragi

Miyuki Kobayakawa

Kohane Tsuyuri

Yuri Koigakubo

Yotsuba Koiwai

Kirino Kosaka

Yui Kotegawa

Koyomi Mizuhara

Rukia Kuchiki

Nobara Kugisaki

Minamo Kurosawa

Motoko Kusanagi

Minori Kushieda

Anna Kyoyama

Lady (Devil May Cry)

Nunnally Lamperouge

Leafa

Connie Lee (Dr. Stone)

Lenalee Lee

Lillie (Pokémon)

Lina Inverse

Luna (Sailor Moon)

Makimachi Misao

Mari Illustrious Makinami

Hitomi Manaka

Mako Mankanshoku

Wendy Marvell

Ayeka Masaki Jurai

Ryūko Matoi

Sakura Matou

Megumin

Meiling Li

Chiyo Mihama

Sayaka Miki

Mai Minakami

Fujiko Mine

Lynn Minmay

Mikoto Misaka

Misty (Pokémon)

Kirari Momobami

Ririka Momobami

Morrigan Aensland

Multi (To Heart)

Naga the Serpent

Mio Naganohara

Yuki Nagato

Nino Nakano

Nakoruru

Nakuru Akizuki

Nami (One Piece)

Chiaki Nanami

Naru Narusegawa

Atsuko Natsume

Nausicaä (Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind)

Queen Nehelenia

Nico Robin

Darya Nikitina

Chisato Nishikigi

Himari Noihara

Arale Norimaki

Nyaruko

Yuzuriha Ogawa

Mamako Oosuki

Paninya

Suo Pavlichenko

Yomiko Readman

Rem (Re:Zero)

Revy (Black Lagoon)

Ritsu (Assassination Classroom)

Ritsuko Akagi (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

Winry Rockbell

Roll (Mega Man)

Rose (Street Fighter)

Rebecca Rossellini

Ruri (Dr. Stone)

Saber (Fate/stay night)

Haruna Sairenji

Sakaki (Azumanga Daioh)

Yuri Sakazaki

Sakura (Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle)

Chiyo Sakura

Kyoko Sakura

Haruko Sakurai

Izumi Sakurai

Shirō Sakurai

Mary Saotome

Ranma Saotome

Chie Satonaka

Erza Scarlet

Senko-san

Yuzuki Seo

Serena (Pokémon)

Yoruichi Shihōin

Mika Shimotsuki

Kaguya Shinomiya

Hakase Shinonome

Kuroko Shirai

Mai Shiranui

Noelle Silva

Elexis Sinclaire

Sinon (Sword Art Online)

Skuld (Oh My Goddess!)

Sonomi Daidouji

Asuka Langley Soryu

Kallen Stadtfeld

Celty Sturluson

Suika (Dr. Stone)

Super Sonico Sonichu

Haruhi Suzumiya (character)

Secre Swallowtail

Swindler (Akudama Drive)

Kiyomi Takada

Saya Takagi (character)

Sora Takenouchi

Taki (Soulcalibur)

Tomo Takino

Yukari Tanizaki

Utena Tenjou

Teresa Beria

Origami Tobiichi

Rin Tohsaka

Mami Tomoe

Trish (Devil May Cry)

Ayu Tsukimiya

Akane Tsunemori

Sarada Uchiha

Ulala (Space Channel 5)

Ochaco Uraraka

Urd (Oh My Goddess!)

Hana Uzaki

Kiri Uzaki

Tsuki Uzaki

Yanagi Uzaki

Shion Uzuki

Faye Valentine

Mereoleona Vermillion

Mimosa Vermillion

Videl

Anna Williams (Tekken)

Elf Yamada

Momo Yaoyorozu

Akari Yukimura

Mikan Yuuki

Maki Zen'in Zelda

Zero Two

[thecrucibleffxiv]

THE SHORT, UNHAPPY LIFE OF CAPTAIN NECKBEARD

Unlike many ship figureheads, apparently these pirates opted for a pillow tied to the stern.

It has been exactly one sennight since the sinking of the Lady M’lady, and with it the loss of Limsa Lominsa’s most pathetic crew of pirates. Unsurprisingly, while others make a show of mourning the loss of the crew out of politeness, The Crucible is the only publication which dares to write the full story.

Picture: one of the most pathetic ‘ships’ in the city of Limsa Lominsa.

The Lady M’lady was first constructed shortly after the commencement of the Seventh Astral Era. The ship itself started with the intent of being a place for the outcasts of Lominsan society (and I implore you to imagine someone so pathetic they’re not even good enough for that shithole) to find a home, led by their pathetic captain. While The Crucible has discovered his birthname to be “Klindiskriba”, to all others he was known by the moniker Captain Neckbeard, on account of his tendency to so frequently lose fights that he was constantly either bruised or bloody and complain about this fact while simultaneously never doing anything to better himself in any way, instead wanting the world to change around him to accommodate his strange and oftentimes pathetic ideas.

Look at him. Look at his neckbeard. Does he dye it?  Indeed, Neckbeard created a cesspit of like-minded individuals. Despite their constant bemoaning of their failures (and the clear fact many became pirates out of a misguided and frankly childish hope it would earn them attention), Neckbeard’s crew failed to set sail for multiple consecutive summers. Growing so insular, and leaving their ship less and less, they adopted their own bizarre dialect of Lominsan “speech” which somehow makes even less sense than the norm. Indeed, those who had the displeasure of speaking with them reported that if one were able to penetrate their tendency to start most nouns with a tacked-on and halfhearted “Arrrr”, the only thing to be gleaned from anything the crew had to say was that they blamed everyone else but themselves for their myriad problems.

All of Limsa knows he’s a loser.

Eventually, considering them an eyesore (in a city in which the locals routinely shit in the street and allow beastmen to walk about), Limsa Lominsa’s Admiral Merlwyb Bloefhiswyn (who they referred to as “ArrrrBitchy Mum” and “ArrrrFemoid”, a term which is particularly baffling and childish) had enough of their freeloading. Indeed, she declared Neckbeard’s crew to be a nuisance, and declared them outside the protection of the law, as well as that giving them charity (as opposed to wages) was now a crime.

This, at least, got Neckbeard moving. Faced with a choice of either departure or annihilation, the crew of the Lady M’lady set sail for a place they called the “Chad Islands.” Before you ask, no, there is no such place. Indeed, it seems in their insular nature, they completely invented the concept of the island.

Behold: the saddest sack of ‘pirates’.

Within a handful of nights, the Lady M’lady ran aground on a tiny island so small it had yet to be officially named. For reasons unbeknownst to anyone but themselves, they named the place their first and final voyage ended “Arrrrincel Island”, and there they all starved to death. The most keenly ironic part of their demise is that, had they been willing to merely swim to an island which on a clear day is entirely in sight of the place they died, they would have found themselves on the pleasure beach of Costa Del Sol at the same time as Gegeruju’s pre-Moonfire open-call orgy.

What a tragedy.

Yomiko Kusanagi finds this every bit as tragic as if someone came to her house and shot her in the face while simultaneously adopting her cat and giving him the best home imaginable.

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This article’s screenshots were provided by Maru, who is super cool and you should follow on Twitter. Thanks, Maru! If you see Phoebe Dylorn in-game, make sure to say hello!

[edenplays]

Because I got Tagged <3

Rules: answer 20 questions. Tag as many followers as you can

tagged by @1972trash

Name: Sophia

Nickname: Soph or Eden - I usually go by Eden though because it’s my YT alias and my alias for pretty much everything

Height: 5″8

Orientation: Pansexual

Nationality: I am American but I was born in South Korea

Favorite Fruit: Strawberries

Favorite Season: Autumn - I love the colors of the leaves just as they change color

Favorite Plant: It’s a tie between lotuses and jasmines

Favorite Scent: Lavender

Favorite Colors: Amethyst, blue and black

Favorite Animal: Tigers and wolves - mostly tigers because it’s my zodiac sign

Tea, Coffee, Or Hot Chocolate:  Coffee - definitely coffee

Average Hours Of Sleep: HAHAHAHAHA! ...like, I get maybe 24 hours of sleep in a week. Insomnia is a bitch.

Dog Or Cat Person: Dogs...definitely dogs

Favorite Fictional Character(s): Bonnie Bennett and Kai Parker (OTP), Ari Gold from Entourage (because his dialogue is stellar), Yomiko Readman from R.O.D., Rebecca “Revy” Lee from Black Lagoon, Boyd Crowder from Justified, Nikita from La Femme Nikita, Makoto Kusanagi from Ghost in the Shell, Sojiro Seta from Rurouni Kenshin, Orphen from Sorcerer Stabber Orphen, Tommy Shelby from Peaky Blinders and a whole bunch of others I can’t name off because I would be here forever.

Dream Trip(s): I want to go back to South Korea to visit the place I was born, back to Ireland, backpack across New Zealand, visit Australia and definitely want to travel across Japan and hit up some places in China.

When Blog Was Created: November 2013

Number Of Followers: 187

Random Fact: Bonkai is my true OTP, and I have been a fan for years. But it was only this year, because of a prompt dropped by donutworry on albion19′s tumblr that I was able to get out of my shell and actually write fanfiction for the bonkai fandom after being a lover of the ship for years. I don’t know how well I stand out or how well I’m doing, but I’m extremely self-conscious even though I’ve gotten so much positive feedback. I just hope that my writing continues to flourish.

@fuckitimfangirling @thefudge @kingcobrakai1972 @albion19 @scorpio-karma @kaiparker @mysticfalls-originals @misslavada

[thecrucibleffxiv]

HOW TO SOLVE THE WOLF DOG PROBLEM IN ONLY 3 STEPS: A GUIDE

I’m sick of the realm refusing to accept that cats are the ultimate house pet. There are no legitimate complaints against cats as a whole, because every complaint can be easily debunked. They scratch your furniture? They clearly know you don’t deserve their respect and love. You don’t wanna clean their litterbox? You don’t deserve a cat. They want attention? How dare something that is clearly your boring ass’ superior want something, right?

You know what’s awful?

Wolves.

Yeah. Ever since that insurrection in which those furry bastards took The Knot, wolfdogs have spread like a flea infestation all across the realm. They’re multiplying at an alarming rate, and they keep howling into the night. The Crucible is taking a hardline stance against this absolute trash. We propose an immediate change to policy in line with the following declarations:

1: The “Awoo Tax��. Any wolf dog which howls within range of any settlement (or, under the disgusting yet still popular parlance of their sickening owners, “awoos”), will be fined the sum of five hundred gil. There are no exceptions to this policy.

2: Population Control. Any and all wolf dogs not owned by licensed breeders will be rounded up and sterilized. Their overpopulation will be put to an end. Attempting to circumvent this law without a license will be punishable by death. To enforce this, a new department will be created: Internal Canine Enforcement. Internal Canine Enforcement will shoot your dog if they decide you’re not obeying the law, or are committing such heinous acts as “taking up space”, “wasting precious time”, or “smelling like a wet dog”. The last will result in summary execution of dog and master both.

3: Hide Sales. All eradicated wolf dogs will have their pelts made into new clothing. This clothing will be sold to starving children who will take on debt to afford them, to then sell to the rich at a significant loss.

As you can see, our proposed policies are fairly tame in nature. We aren’t asking for anything unreasonable, and anyone who says otherwise will get a visit from Internal Canine Enforcement. I’ve already drafted up the paperwork to get everything started. I wrote it over the course of the past thirty nights.

Yomiko Kusanagi has reached her breaking point of sleepless nights caused by howling wolves and the atrocious smell of wet dog from her neighbors. She looks forward to when their doors get kicked in and they get what they deserve, once and for all.

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[thecrucibleffxiv]

THE WICKED ANGLES OF DIABOLOS!

Reports are coming in of a new disaster sweeping the streets of Eorzea, one beyond the ken of ordinary diseases. Rather than a fever, or vomiting, or hallucinations, this disease has an entirely new, entirely terrifying set of symptoms. But the most noticeable - and painful - symptom is the sudden, forcible sprouting of a pair of wings.

All of this came from a place you won’t believe: geometry.

That thing you always assumed was useless? It’s not just for artists, it’s for plagues, too!

That’s right. It’s a disease so bizarre it’s transmitted through angles. While debate rages on as to what the exact angle is, it’s clear that it can’t be a typical angle, else the disease would be absolute in its scope. According to the handful of victims still sane enough to speak who aren’t also too embarrassed to be seen, the disease is transferable only through the application of the angle to some sort of creative work. Say, a beautiful story whose word count or letter count directly equal that of the angle, or a painting incorporating a brush stroke that is equal to the angle.

Note: I took special care with this art to avoid using the angle. It’s very important!

That said, it doesn’t seem a coincidence that all but a handful of the victims are fabulously wealthy, which makes the disease even more heinous. Rumors abound that the disease is caused by some sort of purchase, but no one would willingly pay money to look so patently ridiculous, so the search goes on for a clear answer. It’s clear, however, that whatever being is behind this is some sort of heinous entity from distant lands.

Let’s just hope a cure is found before it’s too late.

I really hope I don’t have to illustrate an entire city full of dead angels and demons because feathers are really hard to draw.

Yomiko Kusanagi is honestly pretty okay with rich people getting sick in extravagant ways, because if enough bite the dust they might forget she’s banned from leaving Ul’dah.

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[thecrucibleffxiv]

EASTLET’S FOOT?! THE HOT NEW FAD THAT JUST WON’T GO AWAY!

Oh, sure. You don’t think foot fungus is a problem. You think it’d never happen to you. You think washing your feet is enough. But you’re wrong.

Potentially dead wrong.

Artists’ Note: This is your foot on drugs. Any questions?

Spread far and wide across the realm by utter madmen, so-called “Eastlet’s Foot” is a disease originating in the Far East. Symptoms are incredibly obvious: a burning sensation that slowly spreads up the legs and a burning drive to, quote, “blaze through the streets”. 

Rumors that victims gain the power to fly have driven many to willingly infect themselves, but they are fools who know not what they deal with.

I don’t get why someone would be excited to be inflicted by a terrible disease, but Yomiko tells me it feels something like what she feels every day she comes in to work.

Why are so many Eorzeans so obsessed with this madness? Why do they consistently fail to comprehend the true nature of so many Eastern phenomena? Why are they so full of themselves?

Literally the worst part of all this is that the one person who most deserves to die out of all of you Eastern fetishists refuses to acknowledge a disease this terrifying could come from the Far East. Why this is the ONE DAMNED THING can only mean that I truly am dead and this truly is hell.

If only I could see the cleanup crew roving the land, eradicating the infected with extreme prejudice, finally solve the worst problem in my life.

These cleanup crews are really brutal. Why do they need to use lightning swords, anyway?

Yomiko Kusanagi just wants peace.

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[thecrucibleffxiv]

D’ARBY’S: TASTE THE NIHILIST ADEQUACY

Life is terrible. Mine worst of all. Orphans dying in the street suffer less than I do, because at least they’re given the chance to die. Everything we do is meaningless. Everything we want is pointless. Victories are inadequate, if they happen at all. My coworkers torment me every moment of my existence, my only friend in this world is a cat who’s apathetic towards my existence. When I come home every night, I lie on the floor and stare into the nothingness.

That’s why I eat D’arby’s.

D’arby’s is a magical place. Literally. There’s an old witch out back who’ll sell you a soul for ten gil. Someday I’ll take her up on that offer. But until then, the sandwiches exist. They feed you thin, inadequate slabs of shitty, crumbling meat between slices of bread that’s more grease than yeast. Because nothing you do will ever matter. We’re all going to die. Why not have a meal?

Listen to these extant customer testimonials:

“Once I had hope. But I’ve learned to abandon that hope. I’ve learned that nothing is worth anything. Eat D’arby’s.”

“Life’s a bitch, but I can’t even summon the energy to be one back. Every day I languish outside the only restaurant to understand. Eat D’arby’s.”

“All is meaningless. Life is a lie. Death is the end of something that never began. Life is a fuck. Eat D’arby’s.”

“Celebrate Little Ladies’ Day by denying your father ever loved you, because all the expensive toys in the world are doomed to rot and rust. Just like you. Eat D’arby’s.”

Countless tens of customers have had their craving for mild nihilist release marginally filled by the substances sold at D’arby’s. If you, too, know that the only reason not to put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger is that it takes too much effort, eat at D’arby’s. They get you.

Yomiko Kusanagi bought a pack of gum with the money D’arby’s paid her to write this advertisement. The gum tasted like the void that exists where her heart once was, and the aftertaste was not unlike the infinite abyss in which all things will end up.

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((If you feel like taking a walk on the side of the endless maw of unfeeling, cold nothingness that smells vaguely of roast beef, check out Nihilist Arby’s on twitter.))

[thecrucibleffxiv]

JUMPING TO THEIR DEATHS? THE TERRIFYING NEW TREND!

Mass deaths, outbursts of nigh-suicidal “heroism” and “self-sacrifice”, and hordes of unprepared teenagers thinking they’re the equal of adventurers with decades of experience. No, it’s not a hypothetical scenario or a storybook outlining some sort of morality lesson - it’s the deadly new trend sweeping Eorzea.

Teenagers and, in some cases, actual children are leaving cities and towns with a second-hand sword, a discount shield and a dream - a dream which leads them to try to fight morbols and behemoths and whatever else, and ending up as food or unsightly smears in the dirt. They’re melted by lava scorpions, they’re devoured by sandworms, they’re sacrificed by the Amal’jaa. But why? What suddenly gives them this confidence?

Simple: the so-called “Moogle Station Alchemists’ Shop” of Limsa Lominsa. The “Moogle Station” has existed for years as a bizarre store known to a handful of informed locals as the place where year-old trash and outdated fashion could be found at absurd prices, but in recent times they’ve begun a trend which corrupts the gullible and leaves them as little more than an anonymous corpse whose gear will end up looted by more capable, proper adventurers. We refer, of course, to the “Jump Potion”.

Why is it called that? No one knows. There’s no basis in myth, no basis in history. That’s just what these sickeningly corrupt merchants have named it. Rest assured, they aren’t proper alchemists. They aren’t even bad alchemists. Whatever it is they’re selling isn’t at all what they claim. Granting overnight the power to rival historic legends of warriors who took up arms to defend the world? You can’t sell myth. You can’t sell strength of that nature. What they’re selling is clearly some sort of mixture which, when combined with gullibility (notice the patrons are all inexperienced youths), leads to fatal overconfidence.

Children think themselves Paladins, think themselves so-called “White Mages” when they can barely lift a sword or cast the most basic of spells. Is it a hallucinogen? Some sort of stimulant? No one can say for sure, but it’s obvious the fanciful sets of armor and clothes these nefarious merchants sell are about as useful as if the armor were made of aluminum painted silver.

“He was such a nice boy,” one local mother said of her deceased son. “Then he came home saying he’d jumped forward in time, that he’d seen the future and was a strong adventurer now. For the twelve’s sakes, I should’ve known, he was naming events which happened months ago as if they were news! He went off to Othard and never came back. I got a letter saying he was killed by some sort of giant crab.” When asked what she would have to say to other parents, she gave a stern warning: “Don’t let your children be victims. Those merchants are a menace. Who knows how big their body count is now? They have to be stopped.”

Yomiko Kusanagi has nothing left to lose in life and would like to try one if it would help her strike down her coworkers and finally find freedom.

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[thecrucibleffxiv]

ECLIPSE THE SUN: THE SHAME OF THE ORONIR!

The Azim Steppe is a bizarre place. It’s practically overflowing with tribes that make absolutely no sense: the horse-fucking Goro, who marry horses (because their own life expectancy is about the same if we’re being honest); the twin-infested Himaa who probably undergo some sort of weird cosmetic surgery to look like one another (because that isn’t creepy); the smug and superior-acting Qestir who refuse to talk around non-Qestir so they can pretend they’re too wise to use words or some sort of similar nonsense (how do they communicate with the blind? They never thought of that, did they?); and the god-obsessed Oronir.

The Oronir are absolutely some of the worst of all the tribes. They think they’re all direct incarnations of their ridiculous “god” of the sun (as if the Xaela’s beliefs are anything close to reality and anything more than ludicrous nonsense) and they’re all comically up their own asses. They are their own caricatures. Their leader, Magnai Oronir, is supposed to be this big badass that everyone’s supposed to respect but in truth the only people who respect him are Oronir, and not even all of them are blind enough to ignore what a joke he is. He’s insufferable. He’s arrogant. He talks about himself in the third person. Who even does that? And, worst of all, he’s constantly obsessing over his “nhamaa”, a concept that basically means he’s expecting that if he sits on his ass and has every woman in the world walk in front of him he’ll eventually find his “true love”. What a joke. 

To absolutely no one’s surprise but his own, he has yet to find his “nhamaa” (because it’s a hilariously stupid concept that has no basis in reality) and is starting to grow increasingly desperate. Here’s a tip, Magnai: if you’re in love with a concept and not a person, you’re never going to be happy.

But Magnai, unable to internalize any advice whatsoever, has instead convinced himself that it’s everyone’s fault but his own, and took an eclipse of the sun as a sign of his waning sexual prowess (which never existed to begin with). As a direct result, he’s reached a new, even more pathetic low: he’s training night and day to be a champion Lords of Verminion player.

Yes, Lords of Verminion, the only attraction at the Gold Saucer that consistently brings in even less attention and money than that infuriating claw machine. Magnai has somehow gotten the idea in his thick skull that if he just becomes the Verminion champion, someone will love him.

One Xaela who’s benefiting from this idiocy is Sadu “Heavensflame” Dotharl, who absolutely cannot get enough of this. Describing Magnai as “The sorriest piece of shit [she’s] ever seen”, “a complete disgrace to all Xaela”, and “a smear on the honor of the Azim Steppe”, Sadu said that the last time he tried to speak with her was to challenge her to a minion battle in the settlement of Reunion. She confirmed that she laughed so hard she fell and hit her head on a nearby stall, tearing open a gash that required stitches but left “an awesome scar”.

Magnai is practically a sideshow, he’s so ridiculous. On top of everything else, all his favorite minions are complete trash. Who brings a wind-up Estinien and a wind-up Ysayle in the same party? Who tries to take the field with nothing but wind-up suns? He’s a dumbass.

Sadu should just put him out of his misery already.

Yomiko Kusanagi would still agree to be his “Nhamaa” long enough to escape the hellhole that is Eorzea.

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[thecrucibleffxiv]

THE WAIFU GAMES: THE COMPETITION TO BE QUEEN!

The word has spread all across the world: Doma stands free! The downside is that the unparalleled and majestic King of Doma, Lord Hien, has not had much time to rest since well before the liberation. After heroically rousing the spirits of his countrymen and uniting them as one to take back their home and drive the foul imperials from his land, he now faces the challenge of settling into his new role as king and establishing himself as a leader firmly in control. It is paramount he show the world what he has shown the Doman people: that with Hien in charge, a bright future is forever secured. To that end it has been brought to his attention that he must find himself a queen and produce an heir, so as not risk the end of his bloodline. Women from all across Yanxia, Hingashi, and somehow even Eorzeans have found themselves lining up to become a part of lord Hien’s royal harem, hoping for the ultimate prize: his hand in marriage.

The ensuing contest, dubbed “The XIVth Best Girl Championship” (a traditional Doman custom for choosing a queen in a manner which is open to people of all classes, judged purely on beauty and strength) is one of the most grueling challenges in all the Far East. As Hien is a proper man of war, from a long line of capable fighters, it is vital any mother of his children be his equal at the least in this regard. The royal bloodline cannot be weakened, else Doma will be doomed.

The contest is an almost endless series of challenges and tasks designed to weed out those who aren’t good enough - tasks like horse archery, twenty-five malm races, sprinting contests, Gulo Gulo slaying, taming of wild beasts, survival in the Azim Steppe, and countless others are issued on a point-based scoring system which will whittle the competitors down to the final thirty-two. Once this has happened, the final bracket will be made, and the true competition will begin: a single-elimination tournament in which each competitor will have five rounds. The first round is a beauty contest, the second round a talent show, the third round they are tasked with defeating ten Doman soldiers solo, the fourth round they will fight one another directly, and the fifth round will be Hien himself determining if the survivor is worth advancing.

When The Crucible asked why Yugiri Mistwalker, famed shinobi and attendant to Lord Hien, would not be participating in the contest, the response was a whole lot of stammering and a blush so extreme it was visible in her horns.

The Crucible dug further at this point and were able to contact Hien directly. He was difficult to get a comment from, but he did have this to say when we asked him about the topic of a wife: “Lyse is pretty cute, I guess.”

Yomiko Kusanagi may not be the most athletic, but she is willing to debase herself to no end. Anything for a passport. Save me from this hell, Lord Hien.

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OFF BALANCE? HERE’S THE TRUTH ABOUT CELESTIAL OPPOSITION YOUR LOCAL ASTROLOGIAN DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW!

These are dark times - some might even call them malevolent times. The benefits of our current political discourse are few, and Eorzea seems bound to combust into open warfare. Change is required, and that change must come at light speed, else we all find ourselves doomed. Look at how we greet one another, even - “hello”s became “hi”s became grim nods became depressed shrugs and sighs of despair. We must ascend above the problems plaguing us - this is essential for us to maintain our dignity. In such dark and questionable circumstances, many draw inspiration from the stars, turning to astrologians for answers.

Unfortunately, it seems there’s been a cosmic shift in the balance. Those who are told that the ewers of fortune are soon to overflow for them find themselves instead beset by bandits fighting with spears and arrows on the Royal Allagan Road, their bodies hung from trees and their belongings spread across the terrain. Many are those who frantically attempt a redraw of the cards of fate, unable to come to grips with the gravity of the situation:

All the sects of astrology - Ishgardian, Sharlayan, Diurnal, Nocturnal - are losing touch with the cosmic shifts all around us.

The moment where you feel the end coming in a near-death experience? How time slows, stretches seemingly forever as you see the almost inevitable end coming? All astrologians we have interviewed claim this feeling to be felt in the collective unconsciousness of all intelligent beings, that those who try to bend the power of the stars to their own or others’ benefit are facing actual and open celestial opposition from the very stars themselves.

The stars, it seems, are fickle things. Where once they sought to aid or teach the denizens of our earthly star, now we find only malevolence and anguish. Indeed, the very balance of the universe is now upset, due to intervention from the Twelve or, perhaps, some even greater power beyond them. There has been a fundamental shift in the universe, this much is clear, and no expert has even a vague explanation for what’s caused it.

The best guess of anyone is that too often were certain cards of so many decks relied on, so much so that the cards themselves have worn thin. Indeed, it seems that the only card in many decks which remains unattended is the Arrow, and possibly the only one still capable of the magical excellence these tarot cards once held.

All the Lords and Ladies of Ul’dah care not the logic or explanation - they simply want to know the tales the heavens weave once more so they can best know what gown to wear to the next social event.

Yomiko Kusanagi is particularly proud of herself for this article.

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WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU EORZEANS? THE WAIFU WAR.

Recently images of the imperial viceroy of Doma, Yotsuyu have begun circulating around Eorzea, attached to posters listing her myriad unspeakable crimes, and you stupid idiots have been ogling her from the moment you laid your eyes on her. “Step on my face”, “Treat me like the dirt I am”, “Stuff me in your pipe and smoke me, darling”, are all things I've heard from you horny idiots in just the Quicksand alone, where a group of you were standing around a table with an imported newspaper that had her on the front page. You couldn't even read it, you were just standing there admiring her, I saw your pants tighten, don't think you were being subtle. You’re all disgusting.

What do you know about Yotsuyu? Nothing! All you have is a handful of images about her and of course an article singing her praises written by the biggest idiot of all of you, Kagome. Well I have something to tell you, Kagome and all the rest who are fetishizing the far east without any concept of what you’re talking about: your “waifu” is shit. She is a horrible excuse for a person, having seduced and killed her way from the dirt to a cushy life in the lap of luxury, having forgotten every single person she's used along the way. Not even a single word of thanks or garlean visa for a reporter who sacrificed her own dignity and ethics to help shaped public perception of her in order to help her become who she is today.

Never mind that doing so was a betrayal of my entire civilization, never mind that I had to flee across the world and change my name for it, because in the end it was ultimately pointless - that treacherous bitch wouldn’t even pay for my ferry ticket. I stained my soul forever and didn’t even get half-chewed gum. So I’ll tell you all the truth about your precious “waifu”, and you’re going to damned well listen. 

It's a pain to even be in the same room as Yotsuyu. Her glare sends a shiver down your spine, and you can tell when she’s looking you in the eye she’s imagining stripping the flesh and tendons from your bones. But then you sick souls would probably line up for that, wouldn’t you? She’s a woman who gets off on murder, she likes to force people to fight each other to the death to settle absurd disputes - I saw two men forced at gunpoint to fight to the death over a customer getting shortchanged three gil. Then she had the survivor publicly tortured and executed for causing a disturbance to the peace. When he complained it was unfair, she burned his house down and threw his dog off a bridge. She’s evil incarnate in the worst way. She’s like if Minaji had absolute power.

But all that has only made you desire her even more, hasn't it? You want her to line you up and cut you to bits and eat you while a crowd watches or some other awfulness, do you? Gods, you're all such pathetic perverts. Fine, then I'll explain it in the way that you so clearly understand:

Yotsuyu is actually the body of an old hag possessed for three thousand years by a son of Diabolos straight from the Void. She butchers virgins like you to bathe in your blood to stay young, and drinks your tears for sustenance. She will never, ever love you - she can’t feel love, all she can feel is hate and sadism - and if she ever DID stoop to sexual relations with someone like you she’d immediately tell your mother what a waste you are and how disappointing you were, and then leave her head on a spike in Hell. She’s into something called “pegging”, apparently, which I assume is something to do with pirates, and hasn’t bathed since the Fifth Astral Era.

Also, her breath smells like the festering sphincter from a filthy, sweaty, gangrenous fat man’s corpse.

Now stop acting like she has any redeeming qualities. Face it: She’s shit.

Yomiko Kusanagi is going to be so pissed off if the only thing people take away from this article is that Yotsuyu has bad breath.

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STOP, EORZEANS. JUST STOP.

It is no secret that Garlemald steals people from their homes and makes them fight in different places all over the world. It also shouldn’t come as a surprise that the races currently found in Eorzea aren’t the only ones that exist on this world, but apparently it is to those of you who are too stupid and self-centered to consider the world outside your immediate vicinity. The only races people ever bickered about here for a long time were obvious fetishistic fantasy creatures (half-rabbit, half-woman? Please. What a joke.)

But now, adventurers are crossing the ocean back to Othard and Yanxia, with even less respect for those they find than the empire has. Tourists with no concept of respecting the cultures they find and a disgusting obsession with fetishizing everything and everyone they meet.

Of course you bastards want to stick it in damned near everything you see. Even the Lupin. Yes, the wolf people.

I’ve watched the river my entire civilization’s history has been tied to be blocked off and partially filled in to make a point. I’ve watched ancient monuments destroyed for the sake of sending a message. I have to come to this office and put up with Kagome every single day. And none of it - not a single other thing - is as disgusting as you weirdos who want to sleep with the wolves. And this bizarre woman I’m hearing about now is the embodiment, the culmination of everything wrong with all of you:

Mara Craft.

She’s some sort of crafter, which you should probably have guessed by her last name. She took up “adventuring”, by which she means glorified tourism and grave robbing. You entitled Eorzeans think it’s okay to steal from the dead just because it’s been awhile? That’s how you get ghosts, you complete idiots. That’s how you anger the kami, you fools. But clearly, she doesn’t care.

Only one thing stopped her mad spree of larceny and disrespect for my culture - and it’s her obsessive fetishization of the first lupin she saw.

Let me explain a very simple concept to you: you “have a thing” with spicy food, or trashy novels, or daydreaming about murder. You don’t “have a thing” with sleeping with wolfmen. You have a problem.

Lupin are, historically, warriors who served to aid the leaders of Doma in times of war. They were capable fighters who pledged their lives to protect the people. They were incredibly strong, their only real weakness being silver, for whatever reason.

And, of course, they died in droves until they surrendered to the empire.

My point is that they’ve suffered enough. All of you - especially this Mara woman - need to back off and let them be. Their lives are horrible and have been for decades, and they were always kind and respectful to me, even when nobody else was. They deserve better than you cretins, you absolute disgusting freaks that are so fetishistic for fur that apparently the cat people aren’t furry enough for you anymore.

Yomiko Kusanagi cannot believe that the floor of what an Eorzean would fornicate with has again been lowered.

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PAISSA PARADE: THE COMING OF THE ALMOST 8TH CALAMITY!

It was not a day after the bulk of the Immortal Flames departed for the coming war when a new cult arose to sow confusion and chaos across Thanalan.

A Paissa-worshiping horde, led by an unidentified individual, assembled all at once and seemingly out of nowhere near the Gates of Nald. Moving as one, chanting in languages long dead and forgotten, they marched with singular purpose. This reporter followed at a safe distance, witnessing an immense amount of crimes committed by the swarm of monkey-addled mooks.

They were of all races, classes, occupations, nationalities and religions. There was no unifying trait in the entire lot save for the fact all of them, to the last, was accompanied by a tiny paissa. The sight was horrifying.

As they left the city, a torrential rainstorm began within minutes which persisted the entire madmen’s march. The Twelve themselves, either out of fear or indignation, seemed keen on stopping this relentless horde. Few, if any, fell as the procession continued - though the Brass Blades attempted to intervene, those who engaged were slaughtered wholesale and but a scant few survivors managed an escape. At the minimum, no less than a hundred dangerous fighters accompanied the exodus and like a plague of locusts cut down everything and anything that happened to be in or near their path.

The unstoppable horde swelled in numbers as it went, with signs showing there were multiple agitators gang-pressing passersby into the parade by physically throwing paissa at them. Those who refused or attempted escape were left in pieces. At one point, midway between Camp Drybone and Highbridge, a violent fight between four individuals was interrupted, swept up in the tidal wave of flesh and fur. The stench was unspeakable. The death toll unimaginable.

This chaotic event rivals the Calamity in its terror and the scope of its damage - every settlement in their path was ravaged. As they entered the Shroud, their eventual goal still unclear, a swarm of moogles chose to join the procession, betraying the safety of their home for cheap amusement. The march continued all the way to the city of Gridania itself, whose defenders were overpowered. Those citizens who did not lock themselves inside and bar the doors and windows were dragged into the streets and stampeded to death. It was, at the far end of the city, that every single ferryboat was forcibly seized by this paramilitary. Ferrymen who fought to defend their livelihoods were cut down and tossed into the waters, which ran red with the blood of those innocent of any crime save for being Gridanian.

Leaving fire in their wake, the crowd eventually made their way to what was made clear to be their final destination: the edge of Baelsar’s Wall.

There, in front of the walls, they chanted as one and spoke a simultaneous prayer for a “Paissa God” to come absolve the world of its sins - most notably, the extreme violence shown towards the Paissa “Squonk”, whose cries of agony were often used to summon powerful and rare birds - and as one, they slit their own throats, intending to use themselves as the catalysts for a summoning ritual.

Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for the rest of the world, there were no crystals or other powerful sources of compact aether nearby, and as a result their summoning ritual was an abject failure, though there are rumors that one among the swarm of paissa brats now plaguing the Shroud shows impossible power and intellect, despite looking the same as the rest...

Yomiko Kusanagi came close to joining the parade, and isn’t yet sure if she regrets the decision not to.

Special thanks to @spacepaissa​ for hosting the parade!

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BREAKING: RAUBAHN ALDYNN: FLAME GENERAL, SYNDICATE MEMBER, BOUNCER?

In recent times, in light of the too-little too-late decision on the part of Ishgard to finally join the rest of us in the Ul’dahn-led Eorzean Alliance, a tournament was held. In this tournament, it has been said that the deciding fight was between Raubahn Aldynn and an unnamed adventurer. You would think the Flame General would recognize the adventurer if he saw them again, but his current actions bespeak either that he was too drunk to remember or was otherwise unable to identify them. Regardless of the details, the fact remains that Raubahn lost the fight, but gained something:

An all-consuming lust for revenge.

The Flame General plotted for moons how to enact this vengeance, but the opportunity has finally come. In a move highly suggestive of a governmental shift towards despotism, Raubahn forced the Adventurer’s Guild to hand over a list of their entire roster. Now he has taken up a characteristically straightforward solution to his problem:

He is presently parked at a bottleneck in the path to Ala Mhigo, where the anonymous adventurer is said to be headed, and is forcing any and all who would pass to submit their names. When he finds them on the list, he throws them out on pain of death. By being such a roadblock, he accomplishes the goal of either directly or indirectly inconveniencing the adventurer who wounded his pride so.

Travelers to Ala Mhigo are advised to wait for a few days until this plan is inevitably thwarted. Perhaps the rising tide of Red Mages and Samurai will prove a suitable home for the uncountable adventurers held back from their secret mission.

They’re all Eorzean, though, so maybe not.

Yomiko Kusanagi is glad she’s never going to Ala Mhigo.

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BREAKING: HORDES LINE UP TO CHALLENGE ALA MHIGAN PANHANDLER

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and this is a story about a desperate man. On the other side of Baelsar's Wall, in the fringes of Gyr Abania there is a massive line of adventurers, stretching back malms, and half of them don't even seem to realize what they're in line for. The Crucible sent Yomiko Kusanagi across the wall to investigate, as she is wiry and seems to narrowly avoid death on a regular basis. What we heard back from her was both hilarious and disheartening.

As should be expected, the garlean masters of Ala Mhigo demand regular tribute as thanks for not killing them all or something, and such regular tributes have bled the people dry. One man known only as “Bollocks Bill” had the idea of taking not just one but a flurry of blows so that his village could survive. He walked out in front of a bridge dressed in nothing but a subligar and a wooden sign on which was hastily scrawled “Kick me in Rhalgr’s Balls for 50 gil. If I flinch, you get the pot.” Whether intentionally or not, an earth-shattering challenge was born.

Adventurers quickly got word of this, as it is in their nature to be bloodthirsty and greedy, and they jumped at the chance to kick a man in the groin with all they've got. Hordes of men and women of every race, every occupation, all lined up one by one for the opportunity to kick a man in the groin. A man whose very life, whose entire home and everyone he’s ever known or loved is all riding on his testicles. Against increasingly-violent foes, again and again, the man remains steadfast. Even attempts to distract or surprise him to elicit a flinch - things like firing guns just past his head at the time of impact, or casting powerful spells near him - have failed, to the last. Bollocks Bill cannot be stopped. His endurance is legendary, his fortitude insurmountable.

Also, he’s a lifelike statue being manipulated by aetheric puppetry to con gullible idiots into feeding his village, which I can appreciate.

Yomiko Kusanagi respects the hustle, but can’t believe people are actually this stupid.

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