#Yeah. This is how I'm dealing with the anger and stress. This is healthy.

[dildoteamtaskforce]

The reason the United States is doing so badly is because they haven't released a low-budget, mediocre, cult classic American Civil War FPS since 2008.

[sweaterkittensahoy]

An interesting bit of my relationship with Sean:

Until I was 14, all my primary caretakers were--at minimum--narcissist to a point. My stepfather was definitely an abuser and a drunk, but I honestly don't recall enough of the man (he died when I was 12) to guess at the narcissism level, but looking back with the knowledge I have, definitely some traits. My mom, bio-dad, and stepmom? Narcissists. All of them. And that's based on my therapist recommending books about dealing with narcissists when I described them.

Sean's parents were married until he was 19 (fun fact: his mom told him she was going to divorce his dad the same weekend we had our first date). Sean's mom taught him that a couple arguing/fighting is healthy ("Sometimes you have to yell to get to a good conclusion."). Sean's mom taught him that going to couples's therapy is healthy.

Sean's dad, unfortunately, grew up the son of an intense alcoholic mother (gee, that's familiar) and has, at least, narcissistic tendencies. He does not go to therapy. He goes to group "therapy" at his church (not run by a professional).

Sean and I have very different experiences with our narcissistic parents. First, I've had more of them. Second, all of mine have been very, very loud.

Sean's dad's narcissism is much quieter. He doesn't shame Sean or rewrite history. Instead, he does things like call Sean when there MIGHT be a tsunami on the Oregon Coast so that SEAN will look up the information and report it to him rather than just look it up himself.

No joke: Sean's dad recently saw one of Sean's cousins on his mother's side talking about a health issue in the family. Was Sean's dad response to message the cousin (an adult) and get clarification?

No.

Sean's dad called Sean, explained he'd seen a facebook post, and asked what was happening.

Short answer: Someone in Sean's mom's family known to Sean's dad is having severe health issues.

Two days later, Sean got a sudden flurry of texts from his dad. It was all contact info for family on his side. Sean's aunt, the two uncles, and a few cousins. Sean stared at it and said, "Why is he sending me this?"

Here's the thing: My narcissism experience is much crazier. I've had my mom lie to my face about things that have happened. My bio-dad made me apologize to my stepmother literally directly after she'd hit me. More than once. My mom can give me an excuse to never visit me in my city and then turn around and talk about how many vacations she takes.

Sean's experience with his dad's narcissism is very funny to me because I truly believe his dad does not mean to do it. He simply has no idea how to communicate well.

I cannot stress enough, intent does not matter with a narcissist. It's not about whether they INTEND to hurt you or not. It's about if you feel shitty after. Because narcissists are particularly good at making you feel shitty while sounding nice. Sean's most common response to his dad's behavior is confusion.

Anyway, Sean's wondering what the fuck his dad is doing, and my brain clicks a few things together, and I said, "OH! He wants you to know who to contact if he drops dead!"

And Sean just stares at his phone for a moment, then sighs and go, "Yeah. Yeah, that's what that is."

Not gonna lie: I started giggling because my experience sees an amateur effort at getting Sean to ask a question.

Sean: "Really?"

Me: "Sorry. It's just...sorry."

Sean: "I'm just gonna say thanks."

Me: "An excellent decision."

It absolutely is. It acknowledges the effort and does not open the room to conversation.

It's an odd place to be, coming from several professional-level narcissists, to getting a genuine giggle out of Sean's dad's amateur efforts. I think part of what makes it funny instead of angering is that Sean is an only child, so his dad can't aim any secret shittiness in another direction.

I won't lie: It feels good that my shitty upbringing can be used towards giving guidance to someone I love who knows shit isn't perfect and that imperfect relationships have meaning and worth.

[mbti-enemies]

I've seen some people shipping entp x infp and that took a genuine laugh out of me

I have a group of friends composed by 6 people, 2 of them are of those types and they are really really close, been friends since they were still in nappies, but honestly I'm yet to understand how...

infp is extremely touchy, she loves hugs, kisses, hand-holding, meanwhile entp hates being touched, infp kisses her randomly (I'm guessing just for the sake of taunting) and gets slapped for it, but then whenever they're saying their goodbyes entp gives her the awkwardest hug I've ever witnessed in my life, it's comical

entp speaks as though she owns the truth, she doesn't "think something", she knows it. and... the thing is she's right most times , which annoys the shit out of infp, who's all "you can't just assume stuff all the time, specially when it's about people's feelings or identities, you're entitled to have your own opinion on matters, but not to expose them however and whenever you want, that's disrespectful" and entp goes "I'm right, and I'll absolutely rub it in once it gets confirmed", and in the few occasions she's actually wrong, she just... I don't even know, she says a bunch of senseless stuff to try to convince you that she wasn't all that wrong, and she'll twist everything that comes out of infp's mouth simply to stress her out, and it always works, I don't know anyone who can get infp as worked up as entp does, it's chaotic

infp cries easily, be it of joy, sadness, anger, gratitude, she just cries whenever she feels like it, entp doesn't know how to deal with people crying at all, she always starts with some random shit to try to help without having to approach an actual conversation on the matter, she's all about "ignore your feelings until they go away" and infp is more of a "let it out so you can move on", but infp doesn't like to make people uncomfortable or concerned, so she usually isolates herself when she's not doing well, entp goes out and party. tell me about unhealthy coping mechanisms

entp is (I don't know if this is unusual for the types) very non confrontational, she just uncomfortably laughs things off, infp almost never stands up for herself, but when it comes to other people she becomes a whole personal lawyer, so she defends entp a lot, which is confusing because I swear to god she's the one fighting entp the most lol

I could give so many of other examples as to why I find entp x infp such an odd pairing, and I know that any type could go well with any type, that doesn't really define a relationship

and, I mean, these friends of mine do get along in their own way, they laugh a lot together, they fuck around and go along with each other's stupid ass ideas, they share interests and stuff, they always do almost everything together, they seriously sit across from each other to keep talking when one of them is using the bathroom, which... jesus christ. they advice each other and talk about everything (even though they never follow each other's advices) but mostly????? no, it's not very healthy in my point of view, they're too different to work out

 seriously, if anyone thinks this pairing is a good one, explain to me like I'm 5 because I legit don't see it

-

this is. SUCH A GOOD STORY....

but ngl i do love these dynamics of these friends you told us about like its actually brilliant im dying i kinda love it

i haven't really thought too much about this but i do still feel like this pairing could work out yk? quite chaotic one lol but yeah... because i guess i feel like even though an entp would always annoy the hell out of an infp they'd like deep down respect infp's boundaires maybe with the inferior Fe function (that values other's feelings (e.g non conforntational) and deep down wants the validation that infp can give) . like at the end of the day they'd really care baout infp and i think that would turn the tables - like with the awkward hug yk that im sure means something for infp. and like yeah other way round as well because as you said like infp doesn't usually stand up for herself but can really stand up for entp and at the end of the day so long as that dominant Fi (function that focuses on [own] feelings and values) values entp a lot a lot - i think they'll be set.

@audience feel free to pitch in :)

[cassiebones]

Alma Madrigal is such an interesting, well-rounded character. And (if my friends who grew up in predominantly Latine households are correct, which I'm sure they are) very accurate to what a Latine Grandparent is like. I am half-Mexican and my Abuela is my last grandparent but she lives in Mexico so I rarely saw her. I cannot really say how she is (other than damn healthy for a 90yo mother of 13) but my cousins have stories about her that make me think she is pretty similar.

First of all, Abuela Madrigal is hard-working. We know that. She does everything she can to keep things running smoothly in her town. I can only imagine how stressed she was the first five years in her village, a single mom to triplets and pretty much the Mayor of that small town she helped settle. Casita can only help so much. They had to build everything from the ground up and Casita seems to have limits in their power, so the townspeople probably had to use their own hands to gather supplies and put it to use. They did a pretty good job.

Then her kids are given Gifts. Now, she has a daughter who can heal with her food (super helpful to keep the community going), one who can control the weather with her emotions (tricky, but still pretty helpful during times of drought to keep their crops thriving), and a son who can see the future (this can help them prepare for any oncoming threats to the Encanto). All of her children seem to have useful powers, so she nurtures them (teaches Julieta recipes, helps Pepa manage her emotions, and helps Bruno sort through his visions to figure out what they mean) and they start using them to help the village.

It doesn't take long for the village people to start behaving like they're OWED these powers.

Julieta gets it the hardest. She cooks at pretty much all hours just in case somebody is hurt or ill. At first, people come to her with their most serious illnesses and injuries, but eventually it turns to people coming to her with colds and splinters and knocking at the Casita Door well into the night for remedies.

By age 11, she will not take it anymore. She refuses to cook for a full week, stays in her room (which has a small kitchen for her to practice in) and only makes any food for her siblings if they get hurt, but nothing for Alma or the village people bc she is TIRED.

Eventually, Alma realizes that Julieta is correct and makes a deal with her: she only has to make one meal for healing each day. And only those with serious maladies can have some food. No more colds or splinters, unless it's dire. Alma will cook breakfast for the family and they'll help with dinner. And she gets one day off per week where nobody can ask her for any food at all.

Julieta likes this deal and it starts her easier work/life balance, at least until the family begins to grow and she starts being asked to cook a little more to accommodate the growing village (she still gets her day off).

Pepa's emotions are harder to handle, because emotions aren't always logical or easily controlled. When she has tantrums as a little girl, there's not much Alma can do except hold on to her daughter. They come up with calming phrases ("clear skies") to try to help. They work sometimes, but Pepa is an emotional person and she's somewhat quick to anger or upset.

It doesn't help with her mother nitpicks her and Pepa grows some resentment for that and starts to talk back when her mother says "you have a cloud!" Like yeah, no shit, Alma.

On their 15th birthday, Alma gives Pepa the earrings, Julieta her blue apron, and Bruno his green ruana, with the hourglasses on them.

Bruno has the worst deal of all. His room looks to be set up for people to come and hear their fortunes, to line up all the way down that giant staircase, which he has to climb every single day just to get to his bed (which we never see) and it seems to be mostly for everybody else's benefit.

People ask him questions about their relationships and loved ones and their goldfish, and sometimes he doesn't have good predictions. Sometimes the future is not happy. These are the times they'll blame him for their foreshadowed misfortunes, even though it's not his fault at all. He didn't kill anybody's goldfish!

It wears on him as the years go by. People continue to come see him and yet will still talk bad about him in the streets. He hears all the whispers as he walks past.

One day, he locks his bedroom door so not even his sisters can get inside. They sit by his door and talk to him through it, making sure he knows that nothing is his fault, that his visions were not decided by him and that some people just don't understand, but they do. They understand that. It comforts him enough to come out, but he tells his mother that he will not be taking vision requests anymore for trivial things like goldfish or hair. If there's a pressing issue, he'll tell her what the future holds and she can tell the townspeople.

Alma reluctantly agrees to this. The townspeople continue to blame Bruno when bad things happen.

Eventually Julieta finds Agustin, who never asks her for healing food (even though he desperately needs it) and always insists that she eat before him because she is the one who worked so hard on that food. She falls in love with him easily.

Pepa and Félix are old friends and fall more slowly in love, but just as deeply. He's the only one who can truly calm her all the way down and she loves him for it.

Pepa gets married first, but Julieta gets pregnant first. Alma has no idea if these children will also get gifts, so she just focuses on loving on her nietas when they're born. Since Isabela looks more like her, she tends to favor her over Dolores, but she doesn't love either more or less.

Bruno never married. Mainly because nobody in the village wants to marry the 'jinx'. They're all assholes, Bruno; you don't need them.

Anyway, Isa turns five and a door appears for the first time in 28 years. The door knob has her initial and Abuela knows what this means. She doesn't have time to plan a celebration but she makes Isa wait until she can gather a bunch of townspeople to come watch the ceremony.

When Isa touches her door, flowers bloom all around her to the delight of everybody around her. Alma, especially.

Dolores's gift ceremony is 2 months later and her hearing comes on like a rush of water in her ears. It's painful and she puts her hands over her ears to stop it, but eventually the pain goes away and she tells everybody what she can do.

And on it goes. Luisa gets her super strength 3 years later (Abuela sees so much use in this gift and Luisa immediately starts working) and then Camilo turns into Alma the second he touches his doorknob 4 years later, because she's the one he wants to impress with his gift.

When it's Mirabel's turn, Alma tells her about the magic. She is the youngest Madrigal and probably the last of her generation so it has to be good.

But the door disappears as soon as she touches it and Alma begins to panic when the candle flickers in her hands. She sees that same panic in Mirabel's eyes, in everybody's eyes as she turns to the crowd, who are murmuring amongst themselves.

What's her power? Where did the door go? What's happening?

The gift may be fading. Something may be wrong with the miracle.

Or there's something wrong with Mirabel.

She tries not to blame her youngest granddaughter, she really does, but every day is a reminder that she has no gift. The Casita didn't give her a gift. Why? What is happening? Is that why Bruno left?

She starts putting pressure on Pepa for another grandchild. She needs to know that this miracle is still working. But Pepa is 40 and it takes her 5 years to conceive Antonio.

Throughout her pregnancy, Julieta keeps her fed to make sure nothing goes wrong. Antonio is born perfectly healthy, but Alma still worries if he'll get a Gift.

When he does, Alma makes up her mind: there is nothing wrong with the miracle. There is only something wrong with Mirabel.

For years, she has pulled back from her youngest granddaughter for this reason. Because if Casita didn't find her worthy of a gift, there's something obviously wrong with her.

This is obvious when she says "Think of the family!" after the failed proposal. Obviously, she is not (at least at this moment) seeing Mirabel as family. Because Mirabel has no Gift. She's the odd one out. There's something wrong with her.

I don't believe that Alma does this maliciously, though. In the very beginning of the movie, her part of The Family Madrigal says "We pledge to always help those around us, to EARN the miracle that somehow found us."

She doesn't think she deserves this miracle. She thinks that she needs to still learn it, every day, fifty years later. She doesn't believe that she is worthy of this gift, alone. She has to earn it by using her kids and grandkids' gifts to help out those around her. This miracle is literally her life's work. Everything centers on it.

Alma Madrigal puts so much focus on this gift that she doesn't realize that she's the one hurting her family. She thinks that if the miracle is going out, she should focus on the one who doesn't have powers as the cause, not even realizing that SHE also doesn't have any powers.

All Mirabel does is try to help but because Alma can't see past the failed gift ceremony, she just sees her getting in the way. When Alma gets mad or frustrated at Mirabel, the cracks begin to show and she just thinks it's Mirabel's fault because that's who she's angry at and so it makes sense in her brain.

When Mirabel finally tells her the truth, that it's Abuela causing the breaks in the miracle, she finally sees it. She finally sees everything that's been happening all around her. It all makes so much sense. It's all her fault.

Then Mira runs away and you bet your ass Julieta goes OFF on her mother. Julieta has noticed the way her mother treats her youngest daughter for years and I can just see her screaming at Alma with Agustin holding her back and Pepa in the background like "Yup! Tell her!" the whole time.

Finally, the search for Mirabel begins and Alma sees that the mountains have parted since the magic is no longer protecting them from the outside world. She finds Mirabel and tells her the true story rather than the watered down version she's been telling all these years.

It's probably the first time she's described what happened in all the gritty details. Because we have to remember that despite inflicting emotional trauma on her entire family, she experienced serious trauma herself. Señora watched her husband get killed WITH MACHETES, while she held her 3 infants, thinking they were next. She did not expect a miracle (which, btw, was totally Pedro's spirit, fight me) to come and save them all. She just watched her husband die and waited for what she thought was inevitable.

That's trauma. It does not excuse ANY OF THE SHIT SHE PUT HER FAMILY THROUGH THOUGH, ALMA.

Ahem.

Anyway, Alma finally apologizes. She gets her son back and returns to her family. She has so much more to apologize for than what we saw in the movie (DISNEY), and they'll need a good therapist. Because not all is solved instantly like this. They need to work through their trauma, individually and as a family.

Stay tuned for my new series on La Familia Madrigal: Adventures in Therapy.

[malewifemammon]

oh yeah baby kam's peter post made me want to share some of my own thoughts abt him (but also i didn't wanna tack em on in a reblog bc my thoughts r very related to Personal Stuff About Me and i didn't want to make their post my storytime i guess haha)

cw for mentions of sexual harassment/assault under the cut, as well as discussion of germophobia and ocd! also uh maybe some peter hate so if u don't wanna read that don't open the post! and have a nice day ^_^

so like i'm definitely not the type of person to say that nobody should ever like characters who do bad things, or that unhealthy relationships should Never be portrayed in art. so if you like peter or his dynamic with alice, please don't take this as me saying you shouldn't do that.

but like i've been into this series since i was about twelve or maybe even eleven? (long hours largely unsupervised with my best friend at the local library waiting for my mom to finish work) and while i definitely didn't understand healthy relationship dynamics all that much, i still took issue with peter forcing a kiss on alice from the get-go. i'll be honest, that along with his attitude towards her made me hate him right off the bat. these days i definitely think he has interesting and/or comedic potential in some situations, but that particular side of him still freaks me out. obviously. he was my least favorite of alice's potential interests (besides the twins).

BUT something kam brought up in their post kind of clicked with me.

around middle school, i started developing symptoms of ocd (i think triggered by a lot of stressful life events happening in quick and intense succession on top of the usual chaos of middle school). eventually it got on to be actual ocd, which i still deal with to this day. and my biggest trigger has been germs/uncleanliness. i didn't used to have this obsession with contamination, so i'm pretty sure i didn't have it when i first got into nkna. but as time went on i saw more and more of myself in that aspect of peter.

i really didn't want to, since i disliked him so much (not to mention how often ocd or similar traits are either played for jokes in most media or given to eccentric villain types to make them seem more Weird™). but over time it got harder to ignore.

kam brings up that bc of his germophobia, peter doesn't really have much experience in the way of romantic/sexual interactions. and it made me think of myself.

because aside from my tendency to not be able to interact with others all that well, my cleanliness ocd is a big stumbling block in the way of physical intimacy, of ANY kind, but especially romantic/sexual since that tends to be more... involved. and there's the screenshot of peter telling alice smth about how he doesn't mind Her Germs specifically, which is probably something i've said almost word for word to my own partner. they were my first for a lot of things, both because of my anxiety but also because of the germ thing. (side note i love them very much they're so cool and good about My Tendencies lol) and it can be really weird to be in a relationship with someone who has a lot more experience than you sometimes, because it can be easy to worry that you're somehow letting them down (not that i get the sense alice gets out all that much either, but still). but i also know the overwhelming joy and relief that comes with finding someone whose germs you don't mind.

AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY haha because i still don't really like peter! i think it's funny to bully him but also sometimes he does genuinely anger me. and it's been an odd experience to feel myself become more like him in this very specific way over the years, to relate to some of his fears and such. not to mention, i don't remember his germophobia being played as a joke all that much?

i mean there probably are moments where it is, i wouldn't be surprised, but comparing the way he's treated as opposed to, say, death the kid from soul eater... it feels different. [i could make a whole other post about my feelings on kid but i digress]

he's just a character that i personally have a lot of really complex feelings about, because on the one hand he can be a total scumbag who i hate, but on the other hand he seems to encapsulate certain struggles i've dealt with that i don't see illustrated in media very often. he's really important to me but also i want to kick the shit out of him ^_^

anyway. i don't think i really had A Point to all of this, just wanted to jot down some of my own ideas on him ig

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

Fluff alphabet with Porco

{ Porco x reader | tw:none | fluff | modern }

{ "Charlotte Wolter als Messalina" 1875 by Hans Makart 1840 - 1884 }

P is for PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Very upfront and vocal about his relationship, bringing you up in random conversations, sharing small details whenever something reminds him of you and showing you off like you're made of gold whenever the topic is brought up.

He does it unconsciously too, yet gets protective whenever someone seems too interested in you.

It's just common sense for him to be like this since he loves you so much, so why wouldn't he brag about you like you invented the sun, both in front of his friends and strangers at work. 

Doesn't allow any slander to your name, if anyone has a problem with you then they need to get through him first because he will defend you like his life depends on it, it's his own form of love to stand up for you and fight your fights.

Has a hard time understanding sometimes you need to fight alone and deal with your problems on your own, he's just really worried and would rather do it himself instead

Will try to convince you otherwise but if you insist he will reluctantly agree since in the end he respects your boundaries, although will be a bit sarcastic and passive aggressive afterwards.

It's just that secretly he's afraid of you not needing him, so he wants to prove his worth to you, even if his overprotective tendencies can get overbearing at times.

He's also on board with any form of public affection but tries to play it cool because otherwise he will get flustered in front of people. But when you're alone he's the most affectionate love struck puppy ever, constantly touching you in some way, urging you to play with his hair and kissing you in every now and then.

Will deny this each and every time you bring it up and say you're the one who's clinging to him, despite him currently cuddling you from behind, face resting on your shoulder while you scroll through your phone.

He's also the little spoon but shhh.

Yet outside the furthest he'll go is having an arm around you, doesn't try anything else on his end. 

O is for on Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He's generally more calmer and at peace when smitten, more considerate of other people and not as easily riled up. His face doesn't really show anything but the drumming of his fingers against the desk says otherwise.

Only noticeable for the people close to him, strangers can't really tell and work friends would just think he's in a slightly better mood, even if he's swimming through the clouds inside.

To you, if he's feeling more in love than usual, he wouldn't say it outright, god forbid he shows vulnerability at any time except before falling asleep.

Instead he'll stare at you more, tace his fingers over your hand more and whisper in your ear more.

Nonchalantly giving you random compliments in a passive way, for example:

"You should wear this outfit more."

"Smiling really suits your eyes"

"Your voice helps me sleep, it's soothing."

Shows his love in way like: 

"You could've told me to do it instead, you know? You should rest."

"You made this for me? Alright then I'm cooking your favourite tomorrow, no this isn't negotiable."

"Hey I'm going to the store, what snacks do you want? Yeah it's for the movie you mentioned since I'm free today."

R is for romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Doesn't know much about romance but if he ever is, it's mostly by accident since he can be smooth without trying or realising it.

He truly brought these flowers because Pieck took him with her to the store and he just happened to see them, doesn't even think much of it except that they look pretty, and you look pretty so it makes sense.

Of course he brought you food in bed, it's just to save time. You weren't getting up and he hates eating alone, why are you smiling? 

The only reason he took you to this really nice spot near the lake was because he thought your eyes looked pretty when reflecting sunlight, what's a picnic? 

Other than that he doesn't know much about romance, romantic movies never were interesting to him and lovey dovey stuff never crossed his mind. He just acts on what he feels is right and what seems to make you happy

Especially when it comes to words, his actions speak much more than his mouth ever can. He just doesn't know what to say and gets frustrated that he can't just show you how much he adores you instead of saying it.

Although to other people, and by Porco's usual skepticism and general manners, he doesn't talk to anyone else like he talks to you. Hell he even brags about you which shocked all of his friends, since the only person he spoke about this way before was Marcel.

In conclusion, pure romance isn't in his vocabulary but if you ask him he'll attempt his best, though keep your expectations low, since he's doing something out of his comfort zone, otherwise it will end up with both of you getting frustrated. 

C is for comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

He'd instantly wrap you in his arms and attempt to ask what's wrong or if someone did something, till he realises you're not in a good shape to reply that he changes his approach and attempts to soothe you.

Won't let you go or leave your side, will listen to everything you say without hesitation and reminds you that he's here, you're not alone and he wouldn't let anything harm you in any way, you're safe and he will make sure it stays this way.

Isn't good with words but his actions show how much he cares, he actually panics himself when you do but is good at hiding it. Will watch over you when you fall asleep and be there when you wake up, bringing you water or something to drink.

Reminds you that you can tell him anything, he loves you and won't judge, he's on your side no matter what.

Gets emotional himself, even feels a bit of guilt at not noticing what you're going through sooner, will apologise assuming it's something he did without asking.

He'd keep this up for the rest of the week, till he's sure you're better. Paying close attention and being much nicer than usual even when you insist it's okay.

O is for on Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Porco isn't good at expressing his feelings, mostly keeping them buried inside and never letting anyone too close, even rivaling Annie in this trait.

Reading him is pretty hard too since he tends to always wear the tough stoic mask that it's hard to tell when it slips away, he's pretty good at faking his emotions for the sake of other people too and not to make them worried.

If he ever does share a moment of vulnerability with you, it's after dating for a long while that he feels safe enough around you.

He also tends to put your feelings before his, which isn't a good thing since he will underplay his frustration with something and keeps it inside till it bubbles and pops out later in a big way, arguments with him are a matter of when, they will happen eventually.

In which he pours his heart out for you, everything that upset him, his anger is just suppressed sadness who doesn't know itself anymore.

If you can see through that and comfort him instead of feeding into his argument, he will calm down and apologise.

Then have a heart to heart moment with you when he vents about the stress he's been under, how sorry he is for taking it out on you and how much you being by his side means to him.

With you he starts learning how to share vulnerability in healthy ways and how to depend on you too, that he can let his guard down and you won't hurt him.

[scriptmedic]

So I'm looking into the psychology of how healthcare workers cope with a Year From Hell with a flood of critical patients, an economic disaster and a domestic insurrection. This is actually for historical fiction, it's the result of a 19th-century war, and it's a left-wing insurrection, but yeah there are obviously parallels....

TW for COVID, COVID 19, COVID MENTION, PANDEMIC/PLAGUE

Hey Cathreese! (Awesome name, I hope it's real.)

I hope you're doing well and that you and yours are safe and hale and whole.

Health care resiliency is a HUGE topic for me, and I apologize if this ask is WAY too dang long.

Caution: Then != Now

The thing that makes this ask a particular challenge is the historical aspect. I can talk about how people are dealing with this now, but so much of our responses are conditioned by our environment that a 21st century health worker's response to a Year From Hell is very different from how it would have been previously.

In part that's because we're so sheltered from death and dying as a culture now. In the 1800s, families taking care of their dead was... well, kind of a matter of course. People did their dying at home, for the most part, and their families saw to them after.

In the modern era that's all expected to be tucked away in a clean white room with machines solemnly going "beep" and a gaggle of professionals to make sure it happens in a neat, tidy, orderly way.

Also, remember that nursing wasn't really a profession til the mid-1800s. It was a duty taken up by family members or, in some cases, by nuns -- but nursing as a profession really began after Florence Nightingale and the Crimean War in the 1850s. (You may want to spend some time researching her, she's a badass.)

How Chronic Stress & Trauma Affect Personality/Behavior

Chronic stress, especially chronic sympathetic activation (fight/flight/freeze mode), makes neurophysiological changes in the brain that impacts how people experience stress.

For the first part, their brain is constantly on the lookout for reasons to stress -- making them have a "hair trigger" for stressful experience.

Second, stress responses come in 3 major flavors:

Fight. This comes out as frustration, anger, short-temperedness, lack of patience, loss of kindness or compassion, etc.

Flight. This comes out as anxiety, nervousness, dread, overwhelm, panic attacks, strong startle response, etc.

Freeze. Can't think, can't make a decision, brain fog, listlessness, inability to focus, etc.

Also, keep in mind that nightmares and other ways of processing stress are real and valid. Lack of sleep is a physiological stressor, as is poor nutrition and dehydration -- a character who's only getting a few hours a night is going to be MUCH worse off than a character who's taking good care of themselves.

More below the cut...

How Individuals Manage Chronic Stress & Trauma

First things first: relationships will matter hugely. Whether your character feels like they can rely on their team, or whether they feel constantly snarked at or nitpicked, can make a BIG difference in their ability to successfully navigate stressors.

Unfortunately, the phrase "nurses eat their young" isn't a baseless stereotype, and it originates from this era. People under stress often fall into Fight mode and want to snap, snarl, or blame rather than accept that other people are learning at their own pace -- so it would be reasonable to see a situation in which your character has, A) no support / a lot of bullying or nitpicking, B) systematically unsupported with 1 or 2 close friends, or C) an overall Good Team of People.

On top of all of that, there are the individual factors. Health care resiliency comes down to self-care and mindset, and of the mindset, of particular importance is the ability to tell ourselves stories that allow us to function.

So for each character, ask: how does their relationship to their situation cause them to see themselves?

Let's look at the possible ramifications of 3 mindsets to see how it could impact them.

"I'm just doing a job." This mentality might make someone more detached from each individual patient -- but during a plague and social upheaval, that can be really helpful in maintaining a healthy perspective. This mindset helps the person do their work, but release them from feeling obligated to get a particular outcome of their work -- they don't have to save everyone. Of course there's still pride in a job well done, and some measure of pain and loss or head-shaking when someone doesn't make it, but it's one of the least personally harmful mentalities in an industry like health care. Pair this with a strong sense of compassion and I think it's the healthiest outlook one can have. (This is where I am now.)

"I have to save everyone." This is a recipe for straight-up self-loathing, and sadly, it's a belief that underpins WAY too many health professionals. Many don't see it as a job, they see it as a calling -- and that means that they will take each loss as a personal failure. This can lead to depression, anger, and outbursts. They care so so much about each patient -- too much, and it wounds them, and it hollows them out. (I used to be like this.)

"The Divine works through me." This is an interesting mindset to me (who didn't get raised with a religious background at all). This is kind of a combination of mindsets 1 and 2 -- the character might see themselves as doing a job, yes, a very important one, but also as not being responsible for the outcome. They love and try their hardest, but the success or failure of their efforts gets pinned on someone else -- namely, a god or gods of their choosing. Thus the patients who die, well, that's His decision, innit? Same if they live.

Hope this was a place to start looking and thinking, and thank you for the ask.

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

White Lies (Pt. 06 of 21)

Pairing: Keanu Reeves X Reader

Word count: 2.2 K

Summary: Keanu found the girl almost dead, in the wrecks of what was once her car. While she was in surgery, stuck in a coma, he gathered the best doctors of New York to attend to her. They told him she is likely to have some kind of brain damage, what may lead to memory loss. And this possibility added up wit the fact that she's pregnant, made the council come up with an odd idea. They asked Keanu to pretend to be her husband, since the stress of finding out everything that happened could put the baby in danger. He reluctantly agreed, but only if she does has some kind of memory loss. He still goes she'll wake up soon, with her memories intact.

But when you finally wake up, there's nothing inside. You're quick to find your head is empty, void, like a blank canvas. The only thing that brings you some relief, that makes you feel less lonely is the mention of a husband. And you can't wait to meet him, because you know you can't deal with this by yourself.

<- Previous part (05)

Next part (07) ->

{Keanu Reeves Masterlist}

{John Wick Masterlist}

×

Being Held

“I don't care what you think, you'll do what's best for (Y/N).” Keanu didn't want to be this rude with Mrs. Davis, but she's giving him a hard time. The doctors have already spoken to her and she agreed on not telling (Y/N) the truth since her health and the baby's depend on it. But still, seating on the first floor's balcony, as (Y/N) showers and changes after the morning walk, Lucia doesn't seem very happy about it.

“Of course not, Mr. Reeves. Or whatever you fancy people rather be called. But this isn't fair, and it isn't right. Do you plan to have this going on for how long?” She raises her voice, what makes Keanu's heart skips a beat. He looks over his shoulder, just to make sure (Y/N) isn't anywhere near. “My son is dead, but this is his child. You can't steal it from him.”

“Everything I'm doing is to keep her healthy.” He whisper-yells, both hands resting on the circular wooden table as he stands up, bending forward, trying to look as intimidating as he can. He doesn't give a damn if Lucia is her mother-in-law and the child's grandmother, he won't let her do anything that may put (Y/N) or the baby in danger. “You weren't here. You didn't see how desperate and lost she was, but I did. Breaking the news to her may lead to a miscarriage. Is this what you want? To lose your grandchild?” He spits the words out, tired of this stupid conversation. This woman is an idiot, he thinks, because he knows she had a meeting with both Dr. Wright and Dr. Harris about (Y/N)'s situation. But Keanu's last words make the woman sink a little, eyes softening, but he can still see some anger. Lucia Davis doesn't like him, that much is clear. “I'm not trying to steal anything from your late son, I'm just–”

“Keanu?” Her soft, low voice calls from the inside, cutting his words short. He takes a deep breath before turning around, watching as she shyly walks to the balcony, curious eyes already looking for Mrs. Davis, and she stops when her eyes find her. “Hi.”

“(Y/N), this is Lucia Davis. Your mother's friend.” He says, reaching out his hands, which she quickly takes, moving to stand next to him. “You were somewhat close.”

With a hand on the small of her back, Keanu listens to the small greetings, thinking if he should go away now, unsure if it's safe to let Lucia alone with (Y/N). But he quickly remembers that the first floor bathroom is close by, with high windows that will allow the conversation to reach his ears. He doesn't want to spy on them, but this is (Y/N)'s health, and he'll do whatever is necessary.

“I'll take a shower.” He tells her in a low voice, offering a small smile when she nods. Placing a kiss on her forehead, Keanu touches her belly gently, at the same time shooting a hard glance at Mrs. Davis. It's a warning, a reminder of what's at risk of she opens her mouth. Then, he leaves, heading to the bathroom after quickly grabbing some clothes, the low voices successfully making their way inside the bathroom.

You're bouncing your leg lightly, wondering how long Keanu will take. This woman is weird, she hasn't stopped asking about your husband, if he's taking good care of you. At first, you thought she was a fan, but now... There's anger in her eyes, like she's pissed off. Ten minutes into the conversation and you want Lucia to go already.

“Has he ever tried to... Force you?” She asks, leaning forward on the table, across from you.

“What do you mean?” Sighing, you play with a strand of hair, twisting it around your finger.

“Has Keanu tried to get intimate with you?” Lucia speaks faster now, grabbing your hand over the table. “Because that's not ok. Even if... Even if you're married–” She spits the last word as if it's something disgusting. “–you don't remember him, so he can't force you to do anything. Don't let him trick you into it.”

“Mrs. Davis, Keanu has been amazing.” You repeat, the conversation draining your strength. “He hasn't forced me into anything. I'm still sleeping in the guest room and so it'll be as long as I want. He's giving me all the space and time I'll need to get things together.” You really hope she can't see you blushing, because there's heat spreading through your face. You haven't thought about any on this yet, and you do hope it won't get into your head. “I assure you everything is great. He's taking good care of me.”

She sighs, shaking her head slightly. “If he ever does anything you're not comfortable with, you call me and I'll take you with me to Argentina.”

A laugh escapes your lips because you can't believe your ears. “I'm not going to leave my husband.” You tell her, crossing your arms over your chest. “I'm completely fine, you don't have to worry about me.” The headache that had just vanished is starting to come back, and you begin rubbing your temples.

“I'm just–”

“Headache?” Keanu speaks suddenly, startling you a little just before you're filled with relief.

“Yeah.” He knows you well. “I think I'll take another pill and get some rest.” Hoping Lucia will get the hint, you stand up, taking Keanu's hand.

“Mrs. Davis, I'm sorry, but I think you should go now. The doctor's said (Y/N) has to rest whenever the headaches get bad.” He says, and you nod, giving the woman a small smile and a wave before heading inside.

That was beyond awkward, and you don't think you'll want to meet with her anytime soon. Making your way to the bedroom, you sit on the bed, back resting on the headrest. It's terribly hot in here, and you jump back to your feet just to push the two windows open before going back to bed. You were expecting Keanu to come to check on you, but long fifteen minutes or so pass by before you listen to his heavy footsteps, and then it doesn't take much until he's opening your door. You're fanning yourself with your hands, the wind coming in not enough to push the heat away.

“I didn't like her.” It's the first thing you say. “And she doesn't like you one bit.”

“I noticed.” Keanu sits next to you, furrowing his eyebrows. “It's probably the age thing.”

“What age thing?” As you speak, you get irritated, pulling your hair off of your shoulders and pinning it above your head with both hands. “Damn it, why am I so hot?”

For some reason, it amuses Keanu, who smiles. “It's called a hot flash.” You were just about to snap at his smirk, but when he leans forward and blows on your neck, the fresh sensation makes you close your eyes and relax just a little bit.

“That's so good.” You mutter, closing your eyes. Then, an idea flashes through your head. “Oh! Go get some ice cubes.”

“Ice cubes?” He asks, quite uncertain.

“Yeah. I had an idea.” Playfully, you give his leg a light kick, smiling when he gives in and stands up.

A couple of minutes later your husband is back with a glass bowl full of ice. You're still fanning yourself and the moment he sits on the bed, you take two cubes, one in each hand, placing them on your neck. “Damn, this is good.” Giggling, you close your eyes to take in the cool sensation against your burning skin. “Help me out.” You ask him, eyes opening again to give him a look. “If you want of course.”

He hesitates a little, eyes lingering on you before he takes an ice cube too. “Where?”

“Uhm...” Thinking for a while, you sigh. “Here on my chest.” Pinching his eyebrows together, he hesitates again. “C'mon, I'm burning up.” With your hands slightly wet from the melting ice, you put the thin straps of your shirt down your shoulders a little. A smile comes to your lips when he finally gives in, softly brushing the cube on your skin, bellow the collarbones. “Thanks.” You mutter, feeling as the heat slowly starts to fade. “What was that you said before? The age thing?”

Keanu sighs, eyes on his current task as you run the cubes through your neck. “Some people are very judgmental about the age difference between us.” He starts, and you're sure he gets a little sad. “It got me thinking too, of course. You definitely should be with someone your age so–”

“Yeah, but here we are.” Deciding to cut him off, you stare at him even though he won't look at you. “I can't speak for myself before, but whoever I was, I married you. So it's probably everything you gotta know about it. And now...” Maybe you shouldn't say it, but you know it's true. And when his eyes meet yours, filled with doubt, and something you've never seen before, you know you have to say it. Keanu needs to know where you stand now because this is like a forced restart. “...I find it really hot.” Muttering, you feel a different kind of heat spreading through your body.

Keanu's lips break into a smile, and a soft giggle reaches your ears. You absolutely love the sound, it makes you want to kiss him. Wait, what? You knew that what Lucia said would somehow get into your head, but you never thought it would be that fast.

“You know what else is hot?” Keanu asks as you pull the ice cubes away, throwing them back in the bowl Keanu placed on the nightstand.

“What?” You inquire, wondering if there's a joke coming your way.

“This,” Keanu answers, tilting his chin slightly, pointing out at you. Now your burning again, cheeks red for sure, looking away from him.

“Don't tease the pregnant woman, Keanu.” You warn him, voice suddenly and unexpectedly weak. “Lucia also said that she'd take me to Argentina with her. As if.” You didn't want to bring her back into the conversation, but you're willing to talk about anything else, eager to calm yourself down and get rid of the thoughts of kissing Keanu.

“If you want to go, you know I won't stop you, right?” He puts the ice cube away, and you sigh, turning your attention back at him. “I'm sure she'd take good care of you.”

“I doubt that. She'd never rub ice cubs on me.” Taking his hand, you give it a little squeeze. “I'm happy, Ke. Living here with you is great. There's a lot to get used to and a lot of things to work on but... This is good. I feel good and safe with you around.”

The smile he has on it's amazing, beautiful. It's the most beautiful smile you've ever seen. “This makes me happy too.” He mutters, bringing his free hand to caress your cheek.

“So don't worry. As if I was going to leave the father of my child behind.” Changing to a joking tone, you place his hand on your belly. “I don't even speak Spanish.”

He giggles again, but soon enough Keanu gets all serious. “You have no idea how much it means to me that... That you're feeling fine. Happy...”

It's true that sometimes you even forget about the accident. It never lasts for more than a couple of minutes, but it means that you can move on from it. But you don't think the same happens with Keanu. You feel like the accident is everything he thinks about, and you hope that taking care of you isn't overwhelming to him. You wish there was something you could do to ease his burden.

“Ke, I... I really want us to work out. If I remember or if I don't, I want things to be completely, one hundred percent fine here.” Moving to sit on your legs, standing closer to him, you touch both his shoulders. “You worry too much. And I get it. My body is still recovering, and there's the baby too, but... I don't want it to become too much and... Ruin things.”

“You're not ruining anything, beautiful, I promise.” With his index finger under your chin, Keanu makes you look into his eyes. “I'm doing this because I love you. I worry because I love you. And nothing will change that. It's not too much, I can do this.”

“Alright, but... Share things with me, you know. Let me help as much as I can being... Well... Like this.” There's a lump in your throat, and you feel tears starting to form in your eyes.

“Hey, don't cry. Come here” Keanu gently pulls you into his arms, and you don't even try to fight it. You had planned this, you decided to fall for him again, but you didn't know your feelings would start to grow by themselves, without you having to force them. You want him, you want to be in his arms, so you don't think much before placing your legs over his, allowing him to hold you. This is everything you need right now, everything you want, to be held by him.

×

@multific @inumorph @aestheticallywinchester @bvbwestfall @liviiii98 @allie1804-fan @gian-giannina @playboygeniusphilanthropist @partypoison00 @mariafetamina @fortheloveoffanfic @trin303

[deceasedreese]

SU Theory: The Rejuvenator did work...kind of.

As much as I love this theory, I was thinking about it a lot recently and found a few reasons why this theory doesn’t make too much sense. To sum up this short essay you’re about to read, those reasons are:

Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz no longer exists

The ‘science’ behind the rejuvenator.

In SU: The Movie, Bismuth explains that the rejuvenator works by returning a gem back to its original/intended form. They are set back to their default settings. This shows through the gems that the rejuvenator hit: Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Spinel.

Yes, Steven was hit too. HOWEVER, it only reset his powers. He lost the ability to control his powers and he was set back to the control he had in the beginning of the series: zero. And he later regained them later in the movie, therefore returning to his present state just like the others did.

Had the rejuvenator worked the way pastelmagma stated

Wouldn't the gem have reverted back as Pink Diamond herself? I don't think PinkSteven being slashed by the rejuvenator would have set him back to PinkDiamonds emotional state. That would have worked if the gem was still Pink's/Rose's.

In Change Your Mind, after White Diamond ripped Stevens gem out, the gem began to reform. It took Pink Diamonds shape, then Roses shape, before settling on PinkStevens form.

The iconic

This episode alone, proves that Rose is gone. She isn't there anymore. Sure, Steven has her powers and sometimes experiences her memories. But Rose/PinkDiamond is gone gone. She gave up her form - her existence - to make Steven. It makes sense that the gem would form a pink version of himself. It's his gem. It's been his since he was born.

"Yeah, yeah! I'm me! I've always been me."

In the last few episodes of S5, Steven was having identity issues. White was almost convincing him that he was still his mother, hiding behind a human boy. But this episode proved that it had always been Steven. And will always be just Steven.

Now moving to Steven Universe: Future

Steven is suddenly struggling to control his emotions. Having anger outbursts (SUF: Volleyball), struggling to maintain his shape (SUF: Growing Pains, I Am My Monster), and letting his negative thoughts/emotions control his actions (SUF: Fragments and Homeworld Bound). Lots of other stuff, but those were the only examples I could think of writing this on my 30.

Steven's powers have always been connected to his emotions. In S3: Steven Floats, he specifically says, “My floating power’s tied to my emotions. Right, just like all my stupid powers!” His emotions in this last season have been stronger than ever. Especially with all these new and sudden changes happening around him, he is feeling strong emotions he has never experienced before. Going by the beginning of the show, I am going to assume Steven didn't start using his powers until he was 12-13. He didn't discover his floating power until he was 14. He gets new powers left and right during seasons 1-5. Why would that progression stop in Future? I didn't think it was unusual for Steven to discover a new power when he was being threatened by Jasper of all people. And it progresses more from there. Turning pink, new shields, super speed, etc.

Sure, it was never officially said in canon, but it is no secret Steven is suffering from PTSD. He shows specific signs of it dating back to S4: Mindful Education.

He had been subjected to a harmful amount of stress at such a young age that he doesn’t know how to deal with new forms of stress in a healthy way. He had been literally fighting for his life then, and now reacts the same way over seemingly minor occurrences.

In SUF: Growing Pains, Dr. Maheswaran notes that despite Stevens gem durability and being able heal physically in an instant, he still experienced trauma and has not recovered from those traumas mentally.

(gif by penguintruth)

These sudden outbursts are linked to his undiagnosed PTSD. PTSD can take months, even years, to develop. He's had/having flashbacks, recurring memories, strong anxiety, negative thoughts toward himself and others, ongoing negative emotions, impulsivity, etc.

I don't think these new powers are from being hit by the rejuvenator. I think Steven has been through so much at such a young age that now he can no longer control his emotions. He can't handle the stress anymore. And his powers have always been connected to his powers right? Wouldn't it be possible for Steven to trigger these new powers with these new emotions?

In conclusion, I don't think the events in SUF leading up to his meltdown have any link specifically to being hit with the rejuvenator. Yes, that experience in itself is one of the most recent traumas he has been through, but I don't think it is the main cause of his debilitating mental health in SUF. Steven has been through a lot. He is a magical being. Had he been 100% human, he would be exhibiting the same emotions/behaviors just without the powers exaggerating it tenfold.

Steven has been through a lot these last few years and has a lot of healing to do.

That’s my theory anyway. Have a good day!

Also: Some of Stevens many MANY traumas. It’s almost 20 minutes long. Sheesh. Poor kid, man.

[flightysquip]

hi, what are some signs i should look for if i think i'm bipolar?

thank you for the ask!  so first thing i want to say, i am NOT a medical or psychiatric professional, but i know sometimes it helps just to have a sort of baseline

so first off, if you think something is wrong, you should see a doctor.  full stop.  the thing with bipolar specifically is you really shouldn’t self-medicate.  it’s tempting--god it’s tempting as hell--but while i’m all for self diagnosis, the thing is self-dx isn’t going to be enough to get the resources you’ll very likely need.  there’s a lot that you can do to help yourself, yes, but that’s more supplemental coping mechanisms than treatment on its own.  please, see a professional.  i understand that insurance can make this difficult, and anxiety, and i know it’s not as simple as just ‘see a doctor’--i KNOW it’s hard.  but it really is best if you do see one.  i’m not an expert by any means, but if you’re having trouble figuring out who to see or what sorts of financial options you have, or if you just need someone to help you make a phone call, or anything, i will do what i can to help you find these resources.

i also highly recommend, if you’re able to, taking someone with you for this initial appointment/assessment.  outside observations can really help pinpoint symptoms you don’t even realize you exhibit.  the relative objectivity can absolutely be good for your mental health.  also, having someone on your side in a situation that can feel frightening and unfamiliar can be important enough.  it’s important to find someone who can be a good advocate and support without actively speaking over you, though.  outside observations are important, yes, but you need to be able to communicate too.

now with that out of the way, as far as some signs to look out for...i mean, obviously mood swings are going to be the big one.  it was called manic-depression for a reason, right?  the real important thing to keep in mind is the extremes--extreme highs (i’m talking euphoria) and extreme lows.  everyone has mood swings, yeah.  everyone has various emotions.  not everyone goes from the pure nirvana of feeling like an omnipotent god among mortals to the crushing devastation of not even being worthy of suicide or leaving a pretty corpse.  (also, hey, important sidenote, mentally healthy people don’t want to kill themselves anyway, so even if you’re not bipolar, wanting to kill yourself, even in an idle sort of way, is reason enough to seek out professional help)

but that all sounds pretty subjective, right?  it’s hard to judge whether something is ‘how people usually feel’ or ‘am i unbalanced in some way’.  especially if you’re afab, it’s super easy for people to dismiss your feelings as “hormonal” or “pms”.  hey, for the record?  even if it is "just pms”, if you’re distressed enough by your emotions to want to kill yourself?  no fucking normal and not okay.  you deserve better.  also frankly, just because something is “hormones” doesn’t invalidate the pain or suffering of it, so screw their sexist bullshit anyway.

the big things i can think of with bipolar off the top of my head though, if i had to bullet point it, would be:

extremes in moods

risk taking behaviors (gambling, hypersexuality, picking fights with strangers, theft, drug use--so i’m not talking about “likes to ride rollercoasters a lot” as a risk taking behavior, i mean things with very real world consequences)

moderation? what’s that? (everything is an extreme of an extreme, black and white absolutes.  indulgence and lack of impulse control)

delusions of grandeur (you think you’re the most important person in the room, you have a sense of being ‘the main character’ in the narrative of life, you literally think you’re a good, you’re the most talented/most intelligent/the only qualified person on any subject whatsoever)

disrupted sleep patterns (too much/too little sleep)

disrupted eating patterns (too much/too little eating)

aggressive/agitated mood at little to no provocation

inconsistent/illogical mixed mood patterns (suicidal fixations in the midst of an otherwise pleasant mood, fits of anger during sadness, etc etc)

precarious moods (specifically being in a very good mood/emotional state, only for something very minor to completely knock you down again)

memory issues and issues with the perception/passage of time (suddenly realizing it’s midnight when it seemed like it was just 9 am a moment ago)

making big bold lifechanging plans on a whim (suddenly deciding to move across the country, changing career with little research or thought into it before)

financial irresponsibility (reckless shopping sprees, buying things on a whim continuously on unnecessary things, opening multiple credit cards and maxing them out)

a lot of these are specifically mania-focused, i’ll admit, because i feel like culturally, there’s more education on things to look for in depression.  there’s also a good deal of overlap between symptoms with bp compared to other disorders.  that is to say, just because some of these things ring true to you, doesn’t mean you’re necessarily bipolar (off the top of my head, other things that have similar symptoms are bpd and adhd, but that’s not an exhaustive list, of course).  

and i also cannot stress enough to listen to those around you.  the thing about delusions is, when you’re in the midst of them, you probably don’t realize you’re being delusional.  it’s sorta be design.  the thing about being angry is, when you’re in the midst of your rage, self-righteous fury can feel really toxically good, or at least justified (and it certainly feels better than depression and numbness).  the thing about euphoria is you really don’t have much of an interest in ‘baseline stability’.  the thing is, the delusions go away, the rage fades into shame, and euphoria is not sustainable.  a trusted loved one expressing concern can feel like an attack, but it can actually be a gift to have some clarity when everything is so stormy and off.

that being said, you never mentioned a loved one saying you may exhibit symptoms, so that’s just a tangent.  my advice really is: if you think you’re bipolar after seeing others with the disorder or reading about symptoms or listening to your gut, please see a doctor.  whether you get confirmation or not, there’s no shame in seeking help.  i know a lot of people say that these disorders are a moral failing, that they mean you’re predisposed to bad behaviors or toxic mindsets, but that’s just uneducated fear-mongering.  i don’t advocate for treatment because i think you’re broken or wrong if you’re untreated.  i advocate for treatment because you deserve to have a healthy, happy, stable life.  you deserve better for yourself.

i hope this helped answer your question.  thank you again for the ask!

[jiwonsssi]

— worth it.

It's always difficult to stay sane in relationships. Especially if it's about Eun Jiwon.

warnings: unprotected sex, oral sex (like a tiny attempt), swearing.

characters: Eun Jiwon, 'you'.

The thing is, Jiwon was never an easy task. To talk with, to work with, to live with, to date in general; he had always been able to find a topic to bicker about just as a part of his hobby. You were wondering everytime that happened; like, how one person can make so much noise? It's funny and cute most of the times; he didn't ever crossed a line. Never complaint about your cooking skills, or your clothes, style; appearance. Your way of life was also never a topic for his antics even when you were one hundred percent sure he had some troubles with accepting this or that.

He never meant to hurt you in any way; although he did. And it hurts like hell now. Because his 'I didn't say anything wrong' is the problem, not his words about something you don't even remember for now. Seeing you barely able to control tears and still continuing to step on what got you crying. He might be right a hundred times, but it didn't matter. It still doesn't and would never be. At least for you.

And when you leaved him, advising him to think about what he says, Jiwon was still sure that he did the right thing. He's really unpredictable sometimes, because heaven knows, it's the first time you realised just how stupid, stubborn and insensitive he could actually be.

So you didn't talk for, somehow, four days. And it broke your heart even more. He texted you once, but lowering your expectations and being okay with this treatment? Thank you, no. He's not busy now and you know it. And he knows where you are. It's not like he's not able to come to talk, to sort things out. At this point it's not about crying and complaining how he mistreated you and so on and so forth; it's about fighting him for greater good. Good old rage. At the first day, you cried like a bitch; fighting with him was never that harsh on you while you were never that sensitive. Just the whole situation, and stress, and him not paying attention to that. So if he would have been here then, it would be alright. You didn't even need his apologies, you just wanted to cry not in a pillow all alone, but in his shoulder. At the second day, you were a lot calmer. That's when the text happened and that 'you alright? im sorry' even made you uncertain in some way; but.. not so much. At the third day came alcohol and best friend, and they made everything so much easier. Maybe it helped because the whole evening you two were just playing games, without discussing anything. It surely cleared your head so now, at the forth day, you were certain in the fact that you want to show him just how angry you are.

- 'Im sorry', pff, you sure should be, - muttering it under your breath while trying to open the door in apartments when he lives, you tried to keep your mind clear. You really tried. But the thing is, you love him so much, that you totally not going to lose him over some fight when you two were just stressed out. And you love yourself enough to make him understand that that's not going to happen again.

- Why did you ignore me? - and here he stands, clearly just out of bed. It's not even a mid day, it's evening and he was sleeping. Not surprised. He looks like an angry bird with that messy hair and messed up shirt and pants. Yet you are here not to admire his sleepy cuteness.

- Hello, dear, - does your voice sound as pissed as you are? Kicking your shoes to the corner, you made your way past him. And he just continued staying in a doorway with his hands crossed on his chest and eyes scanning your every movement then following you into bedroom.

- Why? - he particulary screams this part, more like makes it long, loud and annoyed. He should be annoyed. Must be.

- That's all you have to say? - you continue almost throwing your papers in a document folder, trying your best to not to lose patience. And, somehow, cry. Out of anger and sadness, because now he's doing the same thing again and that shit hurts.

- Not really, - he comes closer, taking all of the documents from your hands and shaking it in front of your face, - But I don't think you are here to listen. Those fucking pieces of paper are the only things you care about!

- No, I-

- Shut up, please, I'm talking, - his tone is solid, serious and angry, and you barely saw him this worked up. But you still want to say what you have to say. Even tho he has rights to speak, - You know what I see most of the times when I come home? You, sleeping around the table or you, sleeping on a coach because you are so tired you barely able to walk to the bed. Am I right?

- Yeah, but..

- Still not finished, - he throws documents he holds to the floor, making it flowing in different directions and you want to kill him for that. You organized them for so long and he just threw it away like it was nothing. You don't realize how your face is changing because of it but he gets even more pissed, - See? You care more about work than about my speech. I told you one hundred, one million and billion times to stop overworking yourself. I believe in that you want to be the best, you want you career to be perfect, but I want you, only, fuck, only you, to be healthy.

You start to slowly realise what he is talking about. He's worrying about you. But yet still, there is a bubbling feeling in your chest you can't just forget about.

- And when you were hurt by my words, God, I wanted to comfort you more than anything, but you wouldn't understand any fucking thing because your brain only works when you are this angry, - he pokes your forehead with his finger and exhales slowly, closing his eyes, - I don't care about any of your achievements if you would continue killing yourself. I would never support that. And that's why I don't care about what you want to say, what excuse you want to make up. That's bullshit, I don't buy it, - Jiwon looks you directly in the eyes and the last time you saw him this serious.. you never had, to be honest, - And you can be angry with me for as long as you want to if that means you would understand what I mean.

Your anger has, well, just slightly calmed down. It's difficult to be angry when he is like that. You were lectured like a child and that's one of the very few times you felt his age authority. And he maybe even right. Pursuing your lips a little, you avoid his gaze for a few moments in order to put your thoughts together. You don't like being lectured and he's so calm now. And that is the most confusing about the whole fight. Does he really mean it? But!

- Aren't you trying to find more reasons to stay angry? It's all written on your face now, - Jiwon steps aside a little, stepping on one of the papers on the floor to test your limits. On his face. It's all written on his goddamned face.

- Stop it, - you move in his direction and he moves further back, making sure to stop on every fucking piece of every fucking document he finds on his way, - Stop!

- Then you stop taking extra work hours and bringing it home, - he puts special treatment to one of the contracts you were working on for the longest time and you know that you already ready to beg.

- But I can't! I need to, - you try to get on your knees to save maybe something, but give up on it when you see basically everything is damaged, - Oh fuck. I'm jobless now. God..

- I offered you a good deal without that shittyass boss who uses you like a conveyer, - paper cracks under him and you push oxygen out of your lungs with such a power that your head slightly spinning so you support your forehead with a palm. Jobless, for real.

Actually you don't know why are you not upset about it.

- I can't take it.

- Because it's a good deal? How thoughtful and logical, I love a smart girl!

- Shut up, you! - you throw a paper at him. Now he just annoys you. No anger. Pure hate.

- Get ready to a cheesy line, - he smirks and you roll your eyes fully aware of what he's going to say, - Make me.

And you do. You crash your lips on his, feeling his hands on your waist momentary. He pulls your incredibly close, enough for your sides to ache slightly in places he touches you.

- I missed you, - he murmurs into your lips, pushing you slightly to the bed until your legs touch it's border, without breaking constant contact between your bodiesand lips. You can tell that he smoked by the strong smell of cigarettes and bitter taste on the tip of your tongue. God, you love it.

- Me too, - biting his lower lip, you fully realise that is not going to be gentle. You can clearly see it in his eyes; he needs that stress to be gone. And you totally can relate.

You feel his lips moving down your neck, leaving small hickeys; the only thing he has patience to actually do. He's impatient and turned on; his hands are barely able to unzip your jeans but Jiwon does it with such a determination, you giggle.

And then he rips off the button, sucking on your skin so hard you jerk aside a little. No giggling. Understood.

- That was new and I'm jobless now. So, would you be my sugar daddy? That's what you wanted all along? - somehow you find a strenght to tease while feeling your head spinning when he pushes you to the bed. His face is priceless tho.

- You need to earn it, babygirl, - he smirks, looking at you from the top and slapping your tight roughly. You are not into that daddy thing and he never ever called you like that, but Jesus fucking Christ, that was hot as hell.

Jiwon takes off a shirt, when you particularly jump out of your pants and hoody. Now it's his time to smile because the determination on your face is precious.

Sex always starts with the hot, rough vibe and in the end you find him smiling like that and there is no way you can keep that mood.

- Jiwon, please, - you move closer to him, pushing your thighs into him, feeling his erection against your hip. Jiwon lets his hands roam your body, stopping near every damn piece of underwear you have on yourself and that's just rude.

- I thought it 'daddy' now, - he pushes his pelvis harder between your legs, making you squeak in front of him at the sudden friction. It's obvious that he's kidding, it's all in his shit-eating grin. Unbearable.

- You wish, old man, - you get on your elbows, before he's able to do anything, to grab him by the neck for a kiss. Sometimes he really needs to keep his mouth shut and that's the best way to do it. The kiss sends you on fire, he's crashing you against his body with full force, one of hands snake your waist firmly and other squeezes your ass to give it another light slap. You squirm, digging your nails into his shoulders and moan into the kiss, feeling him smirking.

- So you have a thing for old men then? - you basically roar with anger, tugging on his hair so hard, he hisses and slaps you harder this time. Almost a year of relationships with him taught you that it's better to just shup up now so you won't end up bickering for an hour.

He puts you on the bed again, after striping you out of your bra, howering on top and places short wet kisses everywhere he can manage to reach. You try your best to not to squirm like crazy, but fail obviously. With him grinding against you core, you're not sure how much longer you can wait. The feeling of him against your body is like addiction; addicting euphoria of which you would never be able to get rid of.

You've been angry with him for so long, yet now it's impossible to fight with him. You are gone for; surrendered without a battle. Cause you love him like that. Jiwon looks incredibly hot when he's serious and concentrated. You would never confess it to him; but his dominant side might have you on your knees, pleading for him, in seconds. He didn't even need to do anything.

He takes off your panties and you grasp on bed sheets with a loud moan when he's pushing one finger inside, adding the second right after, making you lose your breath for a while. He moves his hand fast, gently pinching one of your nipples with another, kissing that place right after. There is not a single thought in your head; just him. His lips, when he kisses you, swallowing small noises you make and the way he's circling your clit with his thumb. He builds sexual frustration in you methodical, knowing for sure what to do to make you cum. And he's extremely generous today.

Jiwon is quick to make his way down your body to settle between your legs. You don't fully realise what happened when you feel his tongue instead of his thumb, sucking you harshly, just the way you liked it. He brings you just what you need, just the way you like it. Tangling fingers in his hair, you push him closer, not caring to control your actions. As well as moans and everything else. Because, damn, he's tongue can send you on edge; in every way possible.

He curls his fingers, continuously pumping the same spot and you are done for in a moment. Feeling every nerve and muscle in your nody being tensed with anticipation, relief comes upon like a blessing and even tho Jiwon guiding you through your orgasm, you so fucking lost, you don't understand where you are for a second.

You feel him pulling away, mewling something at the loss of him and touches on extra sensitive skin. And he buries his head in a crook of your neck, placing small kisses over and over again while you try to calm your erratic breathing.

- Another one for me. Please, - his voice is so tensed, low, he particularly grunts it to your ear, kissing it gently, while lowering his pants and boxers, - Okay?

It's not like you are able to answer him when your head is still spinning anyway. He receives a shaky nod from you, kissing your lips shortly and furrows his brows, lining himself between your folds. You let a long, high-pitched sound escape on top of your lungs when you feel it; and you hear him sucking on his breath, pressing your foreheads together.

- Look at me, - you mess his hair even more and look him in the eyes; he is so beautiful. Just like that. Messy hair, sticking to his skin because of sweat and how he's worked up; how his lips parting slightly and brows furrows when he slides himself into you. And that pure bliss on his face when he starts moving inside. He feels amazing; God, the best you have ever felt.

And he thinks the absolute same about you.

Jiwon's heavy hot breathes stuck on your lips, you digging your nails in his shoulders lightly, when you feel the coiling in your stomach starts to boil exponentially all over again. Especially when he pulls you into erratic kiss, chasing your small moans with his lips. He's so hot, his skin radiates the warmth you are so used to, but now you feel like burning, when trapped beneath him. Jiwon still smells like cigarettes, slight aroma of his perfume that is imprinted on his skin now and something that you can't describe. Something, that makes him Jiwon you love; and being drowning in his scent, while he steadily pounds into you, murmuring something that you can't even understand - you wouldn't change it for anything.

You place a kiss under his jaw, right below his ear, fully aware of what it does to him. You feel chills running down your spine when he fastens the pace, squeezing your hip harder. You can't last forever, every brush against your extra sensitive now skin makes you squirm and he continues to brush that particular spot with his tip.

But never uncomfortable. He gave it to you nicely the first time, now he tortures you again. That's just how he likes you - when you are on the edge, but not able to do anything. He craves for your moans, for seeing you going crazy beneath him, for how you bite your lip or scratch his spine with your nails. He loves you like that. Like nothing in the world.

But he loves you better when you lose it. When your toes curl and you shut your eyes tightly, holding your breath for seconds while he thrusts into you harder, faster and you hold on him for dear life, releasing that one loud moan of relief in the end.

And he mixes it with his pleasure, when you kiss right below his lower lip; so gently, delicate while you pulse around him and squeeze him so tight it hurts and when releases deep inside, thrusting in you forcefully, losing his control.

That's how he likes it the best.

Hell, he could fuck you for hours. If he wasn't so exhausted after.

Because even containing himself and pushing himself off you, it's hella amount of work for which he has no strength.

- I love you, - you murmur it quietly in his temple, turning your head a little, because he just burrowed his face in your neck to calm down.

- Me too, - his voice sharp and raspy, he lifts his head up a little, kissing the tip of your nose and his smile is incredible. It's amazing how he changes after sex. Everytime. He just smiles fully yet so tender, looking at you with full adoration; you could forgive him everything. His kisses are so light you barely feel it, Jiwon leaves a kiss everywhere he sees a hickey and hugs you so delicate like you are made of glass.

- I missed you, - you giggle, when he blows on your neck and looks up at you, rolling to the side to pull himself out, - How are you able to be so sweet? That's impossible.

- You are always free to check that. Just saying, - he laughs, seeing your firstly confused than hella 'not disappointed and not surprised' face and pulls you into a bear hug, showering you with kisses so he could make you smile again.

Every nerve you lost on him is worth it.

[lovemecharlie]

Uh Oh, Charlie

This is directly after Good Time, Charlie. Italics were written by Angel and taken from her fic 32 Weeks.

“I think we should fuck consistently until you’re over him.”

“Tuh.. Sounds like a lotta fuckin, let’s get started.”

Over the month Charlie had been messing with Trevante, they barely spoke about her husband, choosing to act as if she were single. In Charlie's mind, she was. Charlie knew burying feelings was an ineffective and unhealthy way of dealing with the anger and bitterness of rejection, but she also didn't want to dwell on negative feelings knowing that her life had to go on. Trevante was more than willing to play distraction, wining and dining her at cute spots that were out of his comfort zone. It was cute and he was honest. She felt more herself than she had in a while.

As for their arrangement.. It was sex, sex, sex, and more sex back to back and for hours whenever Charlie and Trevante had free time. They'd had sex on the hotel bed, chair, in the shower, on the sink, in the women's bathroom on the main floor, in the pool, in her car, in his car, in his barber's chair at work when no one was there.. that was her favorite because he gave her a clean undercut after.. in his bed, on his kitchen counter and table, in his bathtub, on his couch. The sex was great and it was often.

However, something strange had been happening. For perhaps the fifth day in a row, Charlie woke up feeling like Hell above ground. She woke with nausea and an aggressive case of heartburn that felt like acid reflux. Her body was fatigued and she felt achey like a virus was coming on. She still felt the ghost of Trevante's strong fingers hard on her sides and on her hips. Rolling from the bed, she ran to the bathroom and emptied the contents of her stomach, wiping her mouth with tissue and rinsing with mouthwash. On her return to the bed, Trevante was awake and he looked concerned.

"That's the fourth time that I've seen you vomit this week.. and that's only what I've seen. I think you should go get checked out and before you say you're fine.. you're not fine." His voice wasn't loud or accusatory like N'Jadaka's would've been in that moment. Trevante was way easier to deal with.

"It's probably a virus or maybe I got food poisoning from the Thai restaurant we went to last week."

"We ate the same thing. I don't think so," he squinted. "Plus, if you had a virus I'd be as sick as you as much as I'm around and up in you."

"I don't know what else it could be," Charlie shrugged crossing her arms stubbornly.

"I have a guess," Trevante's brow raised and they stared at each other in a long moment of silence.

"...It's probably heat exhaustion. Oh my God, it's a heat stroke." The look in Trevante's eyes said he knew the truth and Charlie needed to accept it and come to terms. She didn't want to even think of it. "Tre, it's probably the heat," she reasoned again silently begging him to agree. The hotel had A/C, it wasn't the heat. She simply felt awful. "...And I'm supposed to go to Angel's gender reveal party today and be all fancy in a gown and heels? I don't know how this is going to work."

"You don't owe anyone an explanation of what we've been doing." His hands folded behind his head, vibes of tranquility wafting from him to Charlie, keeping her calm.

"I don't wanna talk to my estranged husband at all. I don't wanna see him, I just want to support my Angel on her big day." She moved to the small closet to grab her white and gold dress laying it on the bed. "I think I'm pretty much over my anger and the whole situation, but real talk. I've been thinking about this for a while. What if my husband found out we were fuckin and came to attack us?" She stared at Tre as his calm smile widened. He didn't take it seriously. "Tre, I'm serious." She felt paranoid, but she knew Erik's mind.

"With all due respect, Charlie? Like I've told you again and again.. I'm not afraid of him. I'll be in the same barbershop he saw me in before, cutting hair. It's good. He can come through anytime, get a shape up," he joked.

"You're not taking this seriously, do not underestimate him. He's done some things."

"He's crazy, I know," Trevante nods rolling his soft eyes. "Half the niggas on my block crazy. Everybody crazy. Don't worry about me, beautiful, I've been crazy too. I can revert if need be."

"How are you so level-headed and unbothered about all this?" Charlie sighed. He sat up and climbed from the bed, still fully naked in all of his chocolate glory to wrap his arms around her in an embrace.

"Stop worrying so much. Peace is attainable if you're vigilant."

"You and that poetry," she smirked.

---

"Okay, everyone!" An ever stunning Janelle Monae spoke into the microphone. Angel had asked her to host the event, and much like most people, couldn't tell her no. "It's time for the moment we've all been waiting for! Ryley and Henny planned the coolest gender reveal ever, a firework show! So if you're ready, let's travel outside of this lavish tent and see the show!"

Charlie felt as though she were being watched and she had the suspicion that it was of Erik's doing. It was definitely something he'd do, hire people to watch her. Her nausea increased. How much had they seen? There were people left and right and she looked at all of their eyes. Erik's eyes were the only ones she avoided since she could sense a conversation in those dark brown peepers that she didn't care to have.

It was a sticky situation she found herself in. She absentmindedly felt on her own stomach pudge, praying for the nausea to be a product of food poisoning as everyone watched the night sky. A baby was not ideal. She'd been good on her own needing Erik for nothing and she'd already begun to rediscover herself and her own happiness. She refused to go backwards.

"Charlie! Come sit with the fam," Homie pulled her so that she sat with the other wives who greeted her warmly with hugs. She did miss them all, each and every one. They looked beautiful in their stark white, glittering gold, and deep emerald green. Angel herself looked exquisite and was glowing. Girl had gotten thicc enough to bite.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1!” They watched as fire shot up into the sky, flying up at the speed of lightening until….

Charlie's jaw dropped and tears slipped down her awed face thinking of what it meant as blue and pink lights rained down.

Pink and Blue. A boy and a girl. Twins!

The house would be getting boy and girl twins. She couldn't wait to hold them and squeeze their cheeks and read to them. She wondered if they'd be tiny babies or fat like cherubs. She hoped they were fat like cherubs.. and healthy. Health was most important. Her hand went to her stomach again. She didn't take back her wish for food poisoning, but she figured that maybe having a baby wouldn't be so bad. Angel was already on the road to childbirth.. all Charlie would have to do was watch and take her cues from what Angel did. She could make it work.

After the fireworks, she caught up with her sisterwives, glad they weren't asking too many questions. She just wanted to talk about the twins and how everyone had been without her. Angel was happy to see her, giving Charlie a careful hug, her baby bump serving as a large barrier. As Charlie stood talking to Homie and Kimora, she looked over and saw Erik coming her way. That was her cue to leave.

“Hold on, Shy.” He spoke before running over to Charlie. “Ayye,” he said before grabbing a hold of her arm to stop her. She froze as she felt his touch, stopping in her tracks. “Where you headed off too? You leavin already, Charlie?”

Charlie turned around with a deep breath to look at him before speaking. “Yeah Daka, I’m a bit tired. I wanna head home and rest.”

“Home huh?” Erik said, looking her over, analyzing her body language. She did look tired, but she also looked nervous…. he could tell she was hiding something. He also noticed how she had unconsciously placed her hand on her belly. He decided he’d let her off easy this time, wanting her to come to him on her own. He wouldn’t let her keep her secret for too long however.

“Alright princess, take it easy then.” He said as he went in for hug. Being sure to take in the scent of her full hair.

“Y-yeah, I will.” Charlie said as warmth filled her body from Erik’s tight hug. Her sensitive body quickly being effected from his touch. She was sure she was covered in goosebumps.

Dammit, she thought feeling powerless all over again. No matter how far away she went physically and mentally, he still had this effect.

“Alright Daka, let me go big boy.” She said with a laugh, ready to get away from him. Her thoughts were becoming too clouded & she was afraid she’d do something she’d regret.

Finally Erik loosened his grip, giving her his signature smirk. Naturally he knew what effect he was having on her, he always did.

“I’ll let you go. For now.” He said, his eyes filling with fire & a promise. 

---

"He's watching us," Charlie blurted over the phone when Trevante picked up. She was changing out of the white and gold gown in her hotel room that had become more of an apartment. "Remember what I said to you?"

Trevante wasn't afraid and no matter what Charlie said or how much money she offered him to leave and start over elsewhere in financial comfort and safety, he wasn't with it. "Have some faith, shawty. It'll be okay." She could hear the buzzing of his clippers in the background. He was so unbothered.

Charlie on the other hand was sick physically and with stress. Trevante said to take a test and common sense told her to take a test, but she didn't want to take it and see a positive because then she'd have to deal with the fallout and plan the rest of her life around a surprise factor. She put it off like she pocketed her feelings for her husband.

"Hello? Charlie.. Charlie.." She heard the clippers stop.

"Huh? Sorry, I zoned out thinking about the chaos that is my life!"

"You're the one who has to make the decisions. Don't panic until you take a test." Solid advice.

@poosypoosy @bastioncarterstevens-udaku @hennessystevens-udaku @itsangeludaku @alyshastevens-udaku @itskimorafireudaku @allhailnjadaka @bidibidibombaclaat @blackpinup22 @destinio1 @hold-me-like-a-heart-beat @leahnicole1219 @vikkidc @thehomierobbstark

[brokegirl-ok-100]

The gauges

Felt like I should post a pic of the gauges I bought yesterday, because, why not?

I think I've determined that, as long as I'm busy at work, I don't feel the need to be glued to online shopping platforms. As long as I give myself something else mentally stimulating to do, I should be fine. Haven't bought anything yet today.

I was upset yesterday though, so I ended up buying some box wine, a bottle of spiced rum, and a bottle of 99 Bananas. Today I was going to stop by Walmart to get the diet root beer in cans so I can make banana hammocks again. Really enjoyed that last time I made it so I figured why not have that on hand? Hopefully I won't drink myself to death, though. I seem to have a little bit of an issue with suppressing negative emotions and stress with a couple shots or a very large glass of wine everyday after work.

Was crying on the way to work this morning too. Sometimes things just get mushy and sad right before work. Not sure what that's about. Jon Bellion music was playing and his Millennial realness is too depressing because it's so real. 😂 I think today's mini-meltdown has to do with the fact that I've been so discouraged about dating, marriage, and a load of Christian guilt that's been pushed away for several years. Dealing with a lot of anger against God. I think He allowed me to go through a LOT of crap and abuse. And I was faithful to Him until all of these things started really bogging me down and I was like, WTF God? Why won't you help me with any of this? And part of it was trauma from shitty relationships and romantic relationships, which is why when I was thinking about marriage and how impossible it seems to find the right partner, it made me upset. Why hasn't God revealed this person to me? I deserve to be happy, settled, comfortable, but with a healthy amount of personal growth challenges (but not the shitty ones that make you feel like you can't get out of bed in the morning). Tell me I'm wrong.

Weirdly enough, some of my motivation for coming back to Christianity, going to church, praying, reading the Bible, etc., is because I think the right kind of genuine, self-sharing spouse would embody Christian values (except actually - like the real loving, accepting characteristics - and command - of Christ). And they wouldn't pressure me to have sex outside of a committed married relationship. And they would actually care about being committed. Which is what I've been about this entire time I've been pushed around and disappointed by the menu out there online and in person. So yeah romantic relationship potential was a real motivator for me to get realigned with Christ. Utilitarian, I'm sure, but it was probably inevitable that I would return to church at some point because I can't seem to shake the idea that I am accountable to God and that He is real. As to Jesus' deity, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe He was just the embodiment of God's character and message, a good man and teacher. Something for us to strive towards without having the excuse that "he was 100% God" so we get a free pass to screw up.