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absolutebl · 4 years ago

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THAI BL COMING IN 2021 - Master Post

Alphabetical order.

Bad Buddy series - airing now

BL couple: new PatPran or PranPat

Actor couple: new OhmNanon or NanonOhm (like OhmSingto I wouldn’t expect this to ship, but then I thought Nanon would never do BL so.. shrug?)

Origin: Book (Behind the Scenes) adaptation, enemies-to-lovers

Status: promo content, full trailer. started workshopping in June 2021

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Seriously? Fine. Nanon in My Dear Loser+ like everything GMMTV not BL, Ohm in He’s Coming to Me, Make it Right, Dew the Movie, The Shipper + like EVERYTHING BL.

Side dishes: Drake (Mork in My Tee & P’Mil in 2gether) and Fiat (Pure in MGYG & Day in SOTUS S)

Rumours: It's from GMMTV with BL director Backaof attached (1000 Stars, He’s Coming to Me, Dark Blue Kiss, Still 2gether), so it's gonna happen. Apparent enemies (actually secret friends) to lovers in a Romeo & Romeo star-crossed story.

Predictions: Both actors and director have a history of picking quality projects with decent scripts, and production values are likely high. Should be excellent but low heat. Ohm will have his shirt off a lot.

Between Us - moved to 2022

BL couple: established WinTeam

Actor couple: established BounPrem, PremBoun

Origin: Until We Meet Again (from novel The Red Thread). Adaptation of spin off novel (Hemp Rope) turning secondary couple into mains, continuation of story arc.

Status: Hopefully July 2021 but probably later, promo content, not yet filming as of March 2020.

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Long Khong as KinNat or NatKin (+ You Never Eat Alone & Wabi Sabi’s 2021 Seven Project)

Side dishes: Fluke (Pharm) and Ohm (Dean) are expected to reprise their roles from UWMA.

Rumours: It's from WeTV with established (if inconsistent) BL director New (who did UWMA), so it's very likely to happen. Boun said in an interview that they don’t anticipate filming until early 2021 (depending on local politics & C19), so earliest release is mid 2021, but that’s optimistic.

Predictions: The book, Hemp Rope, tells WinTeam’s romance from the start, so we might get some recon reboot action (like LBC2). I expect this to be slightly higher heat than what we get from GMMTV.

Bite Me - COMPLETED

(full trailer) - Mark Siwat as a delivery boy who inspires a grumpy chef. It feels like we are in Oxygen territory and that was one of my favorites last year.

SO SLOW

Close Friend - COMPLETED

Actor couples: established multiples OhmFluke, JaFirst, KimCop, JimmyTommy, MaxNat, and YoonLay

Origin: 2Moons & Gen Y, Until We Meet Again, Why R U, TharnType 2, YYY

Type: six episode run featuring established BL couples, 1 ep each

Wait I've seen them do BL before? All of them, that would appear to be the point.

MIXED BAG

Call It What You Want 1 & 2 - COMPLETED

BL couple: TimeBenz

Actor couple: JamesAit (ship’em if you DARE)

Origin: Supposed to be partly an exposé about what happened on the set of 2m2. Yet another installment in the saga of the 2 Moons franchise being a hot mess. Dark underbelly, anyone?

Side dishes: Kaprao (TharnType & 2 Moons 2), Michael (Jay in Oxygen).

DNF

The Cupid Coach - COMPLETED

BL couple: LatteNight

Actor couple: TeePeace

Status: Jan 2021 air date - 10 eps, on Line TV

NOT RECOMMENDED

Golden Blood - COMPLETED

(teaser trailer)

Stars familiar side dish Gun Napat (Techno from LBC) as a rich kid who needs a bodyguard. The soft Thai version of Where Your Eyes Linger which is FINE. Contains ALL the tropes and 2021′s BEST side couple.

RECOMMENDED - REVIEW HERE

Y-Destiny - COMPLETED

(Formerly: Destiny)

BL couple: multiples

Actor couple: established YoonLay & PerthLay (this‘ll be fun) plus other established pairs

Type: Sampler box of meat cutes

Wait I’ve seen them do BL before? Lay + Yoon as NottPun in YYY, and Perth + Lay as RamKing in My Engineer. Max & Nat (DewBlue in Why R U), Korn (Wang in YYY), Peer (Ohm in YYY)

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS - REVIEW HERE

Don’t Say No - COMPLETED

BL couple: LeoFIat

Actor couple: JaFirst

Origin: MAME’s spin off from TharnType, TharnType 2, Love By Chance universe

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Ja was in Until We Meet Again as Pharm’s cousin Sin (that WIG) and First was in 2gether as Mil’s friend.

Rumours: Friends to lovers + a good boy/bad boy pairing on a sports romance foundation (basketball). Higher heat D/s dynamic already causing controversy, going to be a dumpster fire of misery or joy, probably both.

Predictions: It’s MAME. So, ya know, expect some slam dunk kidnapping, a light dribbling of rape, and me turning into a basketcase.

RECOMMENDED only if you’ve nothing better to do (episode by episode dumpster fire recap here)

Enchanté - now listed for 2022 but status unknown

BL couple: Theo+ unknown (see rumours)

Actor couple: Book+ unknown (see rumours)

Status: Confirmed for 2021, full trailer.

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Book is in Friend Forever as side character Tutor Kit. Fluke Gawin (Mork in Dark Blue Kiss), Fluke Pusit (Way in The Shipper).

Rumours: It's from GMMTV but no director is listed, so I put this in the likely to happen stack. Secret admirer romance with a touch of Cyrano de Bergerac and dose of Boys Over Flowers. Theo returns from France and starts a written flirtation inside a library book (!) at his new uni with the mysterious Enchante. His best friend Ak hunts for Enchante’s real identity, and 4 senior boys step forward - all intersted in dating Theo: a nerd (P’Phupha), a musician, an artist, and a jock. It’s confusing as Ak might also be in the running.

Predictions: New framework for Thai BL (although not for yaoi) and I’m intrigued. Low heat but very pretty.

Fish Upon The Sky - COMPLETED

BL couple: new MorkPi

Actor couple: new PondPhuwin

Origin: Book (same author as 2gether & Theory of Love) rivals/enemies-to-lovers + makeover

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Phuwin (Dark Blue Kiss & My Tee), Pond is new to BL. Neo (Na in Tonthon Chonlatee, Gord in My Tee), AJ (Non in Dark Blue Kiss), Mix (A Tale of a Thousand Stars)

Rumours: Dentist (!) Pi has a crush on this boy and he thinks Mork likes that boy too. Mork, of course, likes Pi. Engineering boys step in to give Pi a makeover and advise him on his love life.

Predictions: So many tropes in just the trailer: piggyback, floppy drunk, claiming, camping, wound tend, lap lie. Plus it’s rivals-to-lovers so I’m going to adore this one. Expect something in the 2gether style, sweet and low heat.

NOT RECOMMENDED

KinnPorsche - now listed for 2022

BL couple: new KinnPorsche

Actor couple: new MileApo

Origin: Book adaptation, mafia/bodyguard romance

Status: Probably second half of 2021, long teaser trailer, lots of promo content, reported issues with the author.

Wait I've seen them do BL before? The titular characters are played by actors new to BL - intentionally. Jeff & Gameplay (of Ingredients) playing Kinn’s younger brother and Prosche’s younger brother respectively, Tong (P’Thorn from TharnType also in Second Chance) plays Kinn’s older brother, Green (Suthee from 2 Moons 2), Us (Matt from I Am Your King) and Toto (My Engineer) play bodyguards. Perth (Ram in My Engineer) also shows up.

Rumours: Has been cast. Mafia kid, Kinn, is assaulted and flees into the arms of student Porsche. Porsche, a national judo champion, helps Kinn escape and Kinn blackmails him into becoming his bodyguard. They fall in love. In the book there is a surrounding cast of brothers and bodyguards also with BL romances. The series also includes a turf war.

Predictions: I would guess this one is the most likely on this whole list to go in a TharnType direction. The trailer indicates they took the smart move and went dark with high production values, since that’s a niche they could make their own - but Thailand is scared of dark BL, so we could end up with something inconsistent.

Lovely Writer - COMPLETED

BL couple: new NubsibGene

Actor couple: new KaoUp

Origin: Book Nubsib

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Kao (Korn in UWMA), Up is new to BL (Wave in The Gifted 2016). Kenji (Technic in TharnType etc.)

Rumours: It's from three studios with established BL director Tee (TharnType) attached, so it’ll happen. It’s about a BL writer who, in the process of casting and filming his first BL series, falls in love with the lead actor.

Predictions: I expect this to be low heat and high angst. Another one commenting on the BL industry, but without as much possible damage. It’s going to rest almost entirely on Up’s performance, so I hope he’s good. Expected tropes here.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Nitiman - COMPLETED

BL couple: new BomJin

Actor couple: new NohJom

Origin: Book adaptation, university enemies to lovers

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Jom played Por the photographer in Tonhon Chonlatee, Noh is new to BL and acting. Kaownah as Song (Lhong from TharnType) + Turbo as Jay.

Rumours: Jin is the most sexy engineering moon to ever moon about campus, sadly he is mooning after a girl who broke his heart. He thinks his ex is now dating Bom, when in fact they are cousins, and Bom has had a crush on Jin. Jin feels guilty for misunderstanding Bom so befreinds him. Bome starts flirting hardcore but Jin is clueless. Seems a lot like 2gether meets Tonhon Chonlatee. [The story is supposed to have been written as slash fic for K-pop idols JB/Jinyoung of K-pop’s GOT7. Talk about crossing the streams.] Kaownah and Turbo were supposed to star in My Umbrella but that got cancelled. This is not the same story, although people keep confusing them online.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS - REVIEW HERE

Not Me - delayed, now listed for 2022

BL couple: new SeanBlack

Actor couple: established OffGun

Origin: unknown

Status: Confirmed for 2021, probably end of the year, official trailer.

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Of course you have, in everything GMMTV.

Side dishes: Mond (Water Boyy), First (The Shipper), Fluke Gawin (Dark Blue Kiss), Puimek (SOTUS S), Gigie (2gether)

Rumours: For GMMTV with established queer award-winning director Anucha attached and starring OffGun! This is the dark, gritty gang-set BL series we all expected from Motorcycle (before it disappeared from the radar). They are having Gun play twins.

Predictions: This will happen or people will riot. Since it’s GMMTV + OffGun expect low heat but high drama.

My Boy the series - COMPLETED

University-set pulp airing on Line TV that looks like a pastiche, although the POV is out gay (v rare). Enemies to lovers meets secret romance + all the tropes. 7 minute trailer..

DNF

My Engineer 2 - delayed, now listed for 2022

BL Couple: RamKing, BohnDuen, TharaFong

Actor couple: PerthLay, CooperPoy, MDShane

Origin: My Engineer the series 2020. Second season, continuation of story arc, shifted focus to side couples.

Status: No release date, filming to start in April, so far just promo content.

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Yes, this is a spin off, most of the support cast (except Mek) are expected to reprise their rolls.

Rumours: Pulled from this truly adorable gossip and promo vid. My Engineer 2 will probably begin filming in April.

Predictions: It’s supposed to still release in 2021 so with post production my guess is for an October, but more likely November release.

Seven Project - COMPLETED

Studio Wabi Sabi’s answer to Y-Destiny (trailer) is a seven episode sampler pack 3 BL, 3 het, 1 GL. hinted at in UWMA’s late 2020 fan vids.

Includes:

BL Earth (In in UWMA) & Santa

Yacht (Pond in LBC1&2)

BL Boom & Peak (TeeFuse in MIR)

Plan (Can in LBC1&2)

GL Samantha (Manaow in UWMA + lots of other rolls) & Pineare (Del in UWMA, Yuri in Love Sick)

BL Boun & Prem (WinTeam in UWMA)

Perth (Ae LBC1&2)

NOT RECOMMENDED but the BoomPeak ep is okay.

1000 Stars AKA Tale of Thousand Stars - COMPLETED

(AKA A Tale of Thousand Stars)

BL Couple: new PhuphaTian

Actor couple: new EarthMix

Origin: Book

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Earth (in Water Boyy, ToL, LBC), this is Mix’s first BL. Khaotung (2gether), Drake (2gether, My Tee), Nammon (SOTUS S), White (Love Sick)

Rumours: It's from GMMTV with established BL director Backaof, so it's happening. Filming delayed due to C19. Location shooting is the suspected reason Earth was not in the ToL special. Originally slated for 2020.

Predictions: Earth and Mix are ship-friendly and do a ton of promo. GMMTV has spent bank on this one, I’d be surprised if they never aired it but clearly there are some serious production issues what with lack of air date and continued delays.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Top Secret Together - COMPLETED

Status: Airing May 2021, trailer, some promo material

Wait I've seen them do BL before? Newyear (YES! I am Your King), Aof (Make it Right), Yuuki (Oxygen)

Rumours: Studio Non Noi producing for Star Bangkok. Features 5 couples so it may be a bit of a soap opera, think Friend Zone but more gay. The most exciting thing is that anchor couple Newyear & Both are an ACTUAL couple. So is this Thailand’s first BL staring an out gay couple? The stories look like pretty standard tropes: hazing, enemies-to-lovers, internship office romance, friends-to-lovers, jock/nerd, homophobic father, and so forth.

RECOMMENDED WITH SERIOUS RESERVATIONS

The Yearbook - COMPLETED

Status: Airs July 2021, trailer on Line TV, 10 episodes

Rumours: Directed by Mean (Tin in LBC) and featuring Prem (Team in UWMA) but staring unknowns. It’s a reunion romance about high school bffs (sweethearts?) who parted badly and reunite years later because of a tragedy (?).

RECOMMENDED WITH SERIOUS RESERVATIONS

Love Area - on hiatus, moved to 2022

Restaurant set, stars Pak Chavitpong (the only good thing about Cupid Coach) and guest drop in from Jeff Satur (Ingredients). Thailand tackles love triangles pulp style.

My Mate Match - COMPLETED

cohabitation love triangle from Starhunter, stars Jet & Jame & Big (Jack & Koh & Pharawee from Gen Y) on LINE TV.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

Peach of Time (technically K-BL) - COMPLETED

Status: Airs Aug 30 2021, 10 episodes, trailer, BTS

Crossover project between Korea & Thailand involving Mii2 AKA JimmyTommy AKA SaifahZon (publicity stills) and Choi Jae Hyun of Run On. This is not the first co-funded co-acted BL venture: Call It What You Want was a Thailand & Taiwan joint project (language: Thai), and Present Still Perfect was Thailand & Japan (language: Thai, Japanese, English). It looks like Peach is Korean set and support cast though, so I think we can expect high production values, short episodes, Korean language. (I really REALLY want a Japan/Taiwan co-project.) About a Thai boy, Peach (Jimmy), who travels to stay with his online Korean friend. There’s drama with the mother and a ghost.

RECOMMENDED ONLY IF YOU LIKE SAD

Completed but...

I Promised You the Moon - Follow up to I Told Sunset About You with the boys now at university.

DID NOT WATCH

The Best Story (mini series) and new YinWar vehicle.

NOT RECOMMENDED UNHAPPY ENDING

RUMORED 2021 BL PROJECTS & KILLS

2gether the movie (Thai trailer) - intended release April 2021 but postponed due to C19.

2 Moons 3 - not happening. Actor who played Wayo left, actor who played Pha on hiatus, actors playing Ming & Kit will not return, it’s known that the actor who plays Forth is also uncomfortable with continuing. If it does happen it will be all new cast... again.

Absolute Zero - adaptation of an alt-timeline story (think HIStory Obsessed) with New attached to direct. Wabi Sabi dropped teaser and moved to 2022 it looks like. Moved to 2022.

AcadeX - Harry Potter meets The Gifted, no listing in MDL for this one yet not sure how much BL it will be, but it is from Starhunter so we can expect *some* BL.

Bitter Sweet - stars the same actors as My Engineer. But revolves around the co-heirs (played by Cooper & Sean) of a fancy Hotel in Bangkok plus the head pâtissier (Ploy), and head chef (Inntouch). I think we can assume Cooper & Ploy are paired as per usual, which means Sean & Inntouch are playing off each other, might be fun. Perth and Lay are also supposed to put in appearances. Moved to 2022.

City of Stars - apparently Starhunter has acquired the rights to adapt this y-novel which I am excited about. Starhunter is notoriously terrible about story structure, so an adaptation is better for them. No cast yet. Moved to 2022.

Gen Y 2 - listed as coming out December 21, 2021 from Star Hunter. Moved to 2022 because it starts so late in the year.

Loveless Society - Thailand bringing us an office BL pulp with mature actors set in art & marketing worlds. Adult friendships, cheating and other mature darker themes. Think Friend Zone only gayer. Supposed to be coming to Line in November 2021 (trailer). Seems to be not particularly trope dependent and it feels a it like something from Vietnam. MDL has an extensive blurb, all the talent looks new to BL/acting.

Motorcycle the series - was supposed to release in 2019 and had a trailer, got bumped to 2020, and now? Who knows what’s up with this one. Dead I think. Moved to 2022.

My Ride - book adaptation, there was a trailer but... production issues. Slated for 2020 from LineTV but never dropped. Doctor meets motorcycle taxi driver in an “other side of the tracks” romance. Billed as sweet and innocent. Also features at least one BL side couple. The screenwriter is Fluke Teerapat (AKA Wad in SOTUS & Golf in My Bromance) the director is new, so that might account for delays or struggles in production. Stars actors new to BL. This one is on my hit list as likely to get killed before ever seeing daylight. If there is a breakout popular BL for Line at the beginning of 2021, they might activate this one, but the number of unknowns makes me nervous. Moved to 2022.

Paint With Love - Met is a wedding organizer who has hired Phap, a poor artist, to work on a painting for an upcoming wedding. Phap ruins something and has to work for Met to pay off his debt. Stars Singto (SOTUS) as the uke, and Tae (2 Moons original Forth) as the seme. Teaser trailer.

The Sweet Robot - has been cast but with predominantly unknowns, Sib from I am Your King is the only one i recognize. Supposed to have sf/f elements. Moved to 2022.

Secret Admirer - book adaptation (teaser) about an ordinary guy still in love with the older boy he lived next door to during university, starring Earth (who I think plays the older character) was Wayo in 2 Moons 2 opposite Fluk is seasoned but not done BL. Side characters include Art (was in What The Duck opposite Mew, which was v high heat BL). Yut was in I am Your King, What the Duck, and 3 Will Be Free. Anusorn Soisa-ngim is based in Thailand and was the director of 2 Moons 2 and is well known for LGBTQ+ rep and cross country projects (Present Perfect with Japan and Call It What You Want with Taiwan). I think he’s a good director I just don’t like his stories very much. Moved to 2022.

Secret Crush on You - co-produced by and featuring (but NOT staring) Saint and directed by Cheewin (sigh) with all fresh faces. (Previously known as Stalker the series.) It looks like pure pulp and I’m not wild about the plot (very similar to Secret Admirer) but could be better than expected as it’s adapted from a novel. Has a GL side couple! We are all very excited by this. Cheewin is an okay director when he has an actual story to follow, so I’m cautiously optimistic. Moved to 2022.

Something in My Room - horror BL start Nut (Oxygen). I’m in, I love Nut and I like how BL handles a ghost story (So Much in Love, Y-Destiny, He’s Coming to Me, Peach of Time). Moved to 2022.

That’s My Candy - new KimCop vehicle from Starhunter, about an LTR between a doctor and his boyfriend, that looks to be a “could be the future of MarkKit but we gonna pretend otherwise but they’re basically the same characters” just like Gen Y repackaged 2 Moons. Hey, whatever works for them, right? Already picked up by LINE TV as a 10 ep arc. Moved to 2022.

The Theory series (teaser trailer) - university set but a couple of mature themes and decent acting, kinda like what FUTS should have been only pulpy. I think it’s En of Love stye, so three separate but equally weighted love stories from within a cross over friendship group. Familiar faces include Dome (Beam in 2 Moons 2) opposite Benz (Praram/Pralak in En of Love: This is Love Story), and Ken (Tum in Lovely Writer who I LOVE). Moved to 2022.

Tell the World I Love You - so much for Perth (Ae from Love By Chance) never doing BL again. He’s opposite Bas (Wayo/Wayu 2 Moons, Gen Y) in this action movie which has completed filming and was supposed to release to theaters in April 2021. Established director Poj, support cast include Bank (Gen Y). About two teens falling in love caught up in the world of gagsters. Because of C19 it was never distributed to theaters. It looks like Starhunter is looking to cut a deal on wide release. Fingers crossed. I REALLY want to see this one. Moved to 2022.

The Tuxedo - stars Chap (from Y-Destiny & Lovely Writer) opposite Green (2 Moons 2 & Lovely Writer minor rolls) directed by Mike who did Golden Blood. Moved to 2022.

Unforgotten Night (adapted from the y-novel Mafia's Bad Love) - listed as in production. Office grunt Kim has been pining after his senior for a long time. To forget about him, he decides to have one night stand with a random stranger. That stranger becomes obsessed with him. Mafia man Kamol is kinky and (I’m assuming a Dom) and no one is able to satisfy him until Kim. This has the feel of a KinnPorsche knock off (like Gen Y was for 2 Moons), but hey if that doesn’t get made who are we to look down on the Golden Bloods of the BL world? However, it features a gay poly triad and a GL sub plot with Wabi Sabi’s Sammy.

Stars Yoon (YYY) as the mafia Dom and Ton (Y-Destiny, he was opposite the boy who time-slipped) as the sub. Familiar faces include Atom (who was one of Dean’s business friends who teased Pharm in UWMA) and T was Kay in Oxygen,

Honestly, the poster makes me think this might all be a joke. Moved to 2022.

What Zabb Man! - from Starhunter a large cast foodie romance that looks a little bit like their next Gen Y without KimCop anchoring it. Moved to 2022.

Final Thoughts

Most anticipated? Between Us or Bad Buddy

Most important to the industry? Seven Project

Most angsty? Not Me

Most precious? Lovely Writer

Most challenging? Call it What You Want

Most intriguing framework? Enchanté

Funniest? Y-Destiny

Trends?

It’s really nice to see a lot of “yep, he’s gay.” Now that the coming out hurdle is gone, let’s see what OTHER romance plots we can come up with. Mmm’k?

I noticed we have little to no High School set stuff for 2021. Since Love Sick, Make it Right, and YA tropes are favorites of mine I’m a little sad, but also happy to see them move away from casting minors, so... shrug, I guess?

My personal 2021 ranking predictions (I’m notoriously bad at this and I like to know how wrong I was at the beginning of the year from when I do best ofs at the end):

Between Us - purely on the strength of UWMA’s script + WinTeam

Bad Buddy series - because Nanon in BL + Ohm!

Fish Upon The Sky - all my favorite tropes

Enchanté - Thai BL trying on some Japanese yaoi + traditional romance tropes

Lovely Writer - interesting concept + Kao

KinnPorsche - we need a good mafia BL + Jeff & Gameplay

Love Mechanics the series - it’s VeeMark & I love my hot messes

Not Me - OffGun but very dark, not sure my heart can take it

Y-Destiny - PerthLay but YYY was too much for me, so not sure

A Tale of Thousand Stars - so many delays, I’m worried

Top Secret Together - concerned about the lack of publicity but excited by the out queer rep

My Ride - worried about the lack of publicity + unknown cast & crew

The Cupid Coach - same as above, since Friend Forever, I’m scared

Call It What You Want - I just don’t want to know how bad the BL world is

Do you remember when all we got was Love Sick, SOTUS, and Make it Right?

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dimplesandfierceeyes · 3 years ago

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Here's my attempt at @sunsetknowsaboutyou‘s tag game. Thank you for tagging me @7nessasaryevils 🥰

1. your all time favorite bl and why

Ah I never have an answer for questions like this! I’m so mercurial, I change favourites almost everyday. If I had to pick just one, Gaya Sa Pelikula (Like in the Movies) would probably come out on top for me. The story was so simple yet so elegantly crafted, the characters, even the side characters, inhabited their spaces like real people, with their own backgrounds, motivations, dreams and flaws, which was only helped by the extraordinary performances of the actors. Add to that the phenomenal soundtrack which I still listen to today and I am lost.

2. that one bl that scarred you for life

Slgihtly controversial I know, but Addicted (Heroin). I think because I was enjoying it until I was very suddenly NOT enjoying it. I had a similar reaction to Waterboyy, but not as severely as I did Addicted. (I was lucky to avoid the emotional devastation of History 3: MODC due to seeing spoilers in the comments).

3. is there any bl that made you feel very single?

Bad Buddy is honestly the first to really make me feel anything like that. Pat and Pran really modelled the healthiest relationship I have ever seen in any show, BL or het, Asian or Western. And they did it while also not shying away from the realities of relationships - the fights, the less than perfect families, the annoying habits.

4. if you could change one thing from a bl, which one would it be?

I realise this is meant to be one thing from one BL but who could pick just one for just one show? Unfortunately the BL drama industry is endemic with some seriously messed up nonsense. My true, true abhorred is the top-bottom dynamic in its most predatory form found throughout so many BL shows. Plus the toxic femme fatale trope, it’s 2022, let’s move past this please.

6. your top five:

Obviously Gaya Sa Pelikula is up there. Bad Buddy shoved its way in at episode 4 and hasn’t left since. Until We Meet Again has to be in there, though I’m still salty we didn’t get the ManaowDel storyline we deserved. History 3: Trapped, my beloved himbo cop and his soft gangster boyfriend. Manner of Death, watching this as it came out was a wild af ride, I had it on while I was in zoom classes because I was so desperate to know what happened 😂

Special mentions: He’s Coming to Me, A Tale of a Thousands Stars, & We Best Love.

7. that trashy bl that you lowkey like

YYY, I am an unabashed fan of the batshit crazy

8. your favorite korean bl (it’s important we know)

Long Time, No See (Strongberry, my beloved). This could literally be pure fanfiction, and I mean this in only the most glowing way. An assassin of a Korean gang is also secretly an author of a popular queer web novel and he meets his number one fan, who he’s been talking to online for some time, and they fall for each other hard. Plot twist? Mr Number One fan is also a hitman but for his rival gang. Amazing.

9. but also your top 3 for kbls

Other than Long Time, No See: Where Your Eyes Linger (my first), Colour Rush (for the audacity of being an actual colourblind soulmates AU), and if I’m truly, truly honest, a short film called Do You Want? It’s only 6 minutes long but I can’t count how many times I’ve rewatched it - give it a go, you won’t be disappointed. (There’s also a GL and het version)

10. season 2? which one?

My Engineer for RamKing only please. Otherwise I'm not generally bothered by second seasons.

11. a bunch of dramas will air soon. which ones are you the most excited for?

I was incredibly excited for Not Me, but Bad Buddy kind of derailed it for me, oops, looking forward to getting into it now though! I have high hopes for KinnPorsche too

12. tag them!

Just tagging people that I don't think I've seen do this so far, sorry if you have been tagged before!

@ohmpat @pranpatsocool @marimoduck @thecookiemonster77 @thequeenofsastiel

#just random me stuff #if anyone's interested

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shijiujun · 4 years ago

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the only one (on my mind)

Lu Yao chases away four blind dates set by his sister in the same restaurant. Chusheng is the owner of said restaurant and decides to rescue Lu Yao from his fifth one after witnessing all of them.

@sarah-yyy for your chuyao fix hopefully? XD

“Chusheng-ge,” says the waiter at the door, who comes forward to take his jacket.

It’s still early yet at Qing Ling Tian, a traditional Hu cuisine restaurant and bar set in one of the tallest skyscrapers in the city in the middle of downtown Shanghai. Chusheng walks in, and immediately is greeted with the bustle of a packed hall tonight as well.

Qing Ling Tian is not one of the best restaurants in Shanghai for no reason — with the grand decor that is the retro style inspired from Republican-era Shanghai fused with contemporary elements, and having hired some of the best chefs in the region, Chusheng is proud to say that they’ve had full-packed reservations for three years running now, be it usual dinners or even wedding banquets.

While patrons go about their meals on the first floor, immersed in the warmth and liveliness of it all, the second floor features a much more sedate vibe. There’s a main space where the bar counter is, and the private dining rooms can also be found on this floor. Customers who wish to have a more romantic and quiet dining experience are usually found here.

As he approaches the bar where Liu Zi, his star bartender, is working behind the counter tonight, Chusheng’s eyes fall on a familiar figure seated in the corner of the room, and he doesn’t know whether to feel exasperated or fond.

He settles for something between both, and Chusheng doesn’t even know the man.

“He’s here again?” Chusheng asks, sitting down at the counter and gesturing towards the tall, handsome man with his date, comfortably settled around a two-person table not too far away from the bar counter. “Who is it today?”

“Another young, rich heiress forced to meet him for a blind date,” Liu Zi rolls his eyes, placing a glass of whiskey on the table before Chusheng. “Your boy is trying his best in chasing her away this time too.”

“He’s not my boy,” Chusheng raises an eyebrow, taking a whiff of his whiskey. “I don’t even know who he is.”

Well, that’s not quite accurate. Chusheng knows of the man — Lu Yao, the youngest son in the well-known Lu family that has managed to produce powerful politicians and army commanders with every generation — because this isn’t the first time he has brought a blind date to this restaurant.

Lu Yao is a bit of an oddball, according to those who mill about in the higher echelons of society, so to speak. Despite being a rich young master, he ran away from home after he finished high school and managed to flee all the way to the UK and Cambridge for university, where he supported himself without taking a dime from his family until he graduated with no less than three degrees under his belt.

Lu Zifu, Lu Yao’s father, then forcibly dragged him back to Shanghai, whereupon he began finding matches for his youngest son.

It seems that with his two older brothers, Lu Sen and Lu Yan, so successful and working in the army and his older sister, Lu Miao, a high-ranking government official in the incumbent party, Lu Zifu doesn’t have much high hopes for his youngest son except to have him enter a beneficial matrimonial partnership with another woman. Of course, the old man isn’t quite as cruel to have his son marry someone he doesn’t like, and thus, why continuous blind dates are being strangely and repeatedly held at Chusheng’s restaurant.

In fact, this is the fifth one, if memory serves Chusheng correctly. It was pure coincidence, the first time Chusheng witnessed Lu Yao and his blind date of the evening at the same table, a few weeks ago.

It wasn’t anything to cry home about — matchmaking and blind dates are still incredibly common and Chusheng has heard his fair share of blind dates gone wrong happening in his restaurant. On two occasions even, the disastrous date even escalated into fights, so it’s not as if he’s a stranger to the farce of terrible blind dates.

Lu Yao, however, is unabashedly a piece of shit, a spoilt brat, a vainpot and a greedy little thing — and the man has no qualms flaunting any of these qualities.

He’s a smart piece of shit though, and while he’s shameless, every time Lu Yao does something ridiculous, Chusheng can’t help but want to indulge him.

—

First Date

“How about we get to know each other first, Lu-xiansheng?”

“Sure,” Lu Yao nodded, setting his drink aside. “Firstly, I don’t have a car, or any property to my name. I probably won’t get a huge cut out of my dad’s inheritance when he dies. I’m a poor academic, and my dad doesn’t think very highly of me. If you want to get some money out of this arrangement, you’re out of luck. I don’t intend to find a well-paying job either, because I’m happy pursuing an academic career. In fact, you will have to give me an allowance to support me-“

Chusheng watched then, a little flabbergasted at the sheer audacity of this young, able-bodied and obviously capable man, and with no shame at all, how he tried to badger his way into a marriage that would keep him in the most comfortable of conditions, without consideration for the lady at all!

Understandably, when Lu Yao entered his second spiel without allowing the woman to interject even in the slightest, she got to her feet and stomped out of there.

“Useless asshole!” she spat as a parting gift.

Once she was gone, Chusheng noted with some interest that Lu Yao’s haughtiness seemed to fade away as he deflated entirely into the seat, pressing his fingers to his temple and downing his entire drink in one shot.

His phone rang then, and Chusheng could hear a woman’s sharp voice berating the man on the other end of the line, no doubt to yell at him for fucking up the date so badly.

“Aiya, Da-jie, I didn’t do it on purpose! If she cannot accept me for who I am, it is not true love!” the man whined, obviously trying to play the fool.

Chusheng remembers turning away at that moment, trying to hide his smile in his drink.

—

Second Date

“I think we both know we’re here at the behest of our parents,” the blind date of the week said coolly. “How about we make do with each other to get our parents off our backs? You can continue living your life and I continue living mine.”

Lu Yao nodded, “Sounds good to me.”

“Well, the only condition my parents have is the dowry. Given your family’s status and wealth, I think this,” and the woman holds up three fingers. “Shouldn’t be an issue.”

“Thirty thousand?” asked Lu Yao.

The woman’s face whitened almost immediately, but she continued, “You must be joking. The Xiao family is also considered one of the wealthiest families in the city. My parents will accept no less than three hundred thousand for my marriage into the Lu family.”

Lu Yao pretended to consider this, before he replied, “Think about this! You’re the CEO of the Xiao family’s banking empire, and in comparison, I’m just a student who’s looking to complete his PhD. I have nothing to my name, not even a single property! Don’t you think you should be paying my dad the dowry instead? I feel more like the one who's marrying out of my own family and into yours.”

Chusheng watched as Lu Yao got a cup of iced water to his face then.

The woman was as vicious as the first one when she said, “Shameless!”

—

Third Date

“So I hear that you want a dowry and an allowance,” Blind Date Number Three said, flopping into the seat opposite Lu Yao’s an hour late.

“Of course,” Lu Yao said matter-of-factly. “I’ve never had to serve someone else. I’m the youngest in the family, if I’m not doted on then who should you dote on?”

Chusheng could tell that Lu Yao was feeling rather pleased about this meeting because from what the woman said, it seemed he was gaining a reputation for himself, one that would hopefully ensure women stayed far, far away from him.

“You’re honestly starting to get a reputation,” the woman said as much, but she didn’t seem all too put out by Lu Yao’s demeanour. “If that’s what you wanted, congratulations. What’s good to eat here, I’m hungry.”

Lu Yao blinked, his interest piqued slightly.

“Well, I’m fond of the Ba Bao La Jiang, but… I’m not-“ he began, and the woman cut him off, “Yeah, yeah, you won’t pay. Geez, my treat, since I’m late. I was dragged here by my older brother while I was at an e-sports gaming competition, and I just want to eat.”

They didn’t talk much after that, busy stuffing their faces with food. It was then that Chusheng found himself staring at Lu Yao’s blissful face as he almost cleaned out half the plate and three bowls of rice on his own.

—

Fourth Date

It was Lu Yao’s turn to be late for this one, and Chusheng noted that he was in a bad mood today, for he wasn’t even turning on the i-am-so-innocent look with his blind date.

The moment he sat down, Lu Yao began, “Yes I want a dowry and a comfortable allowance. I’m kind of useless and entirely shameless, but I still want both of those things. If I want a baguette in the middle of the night, you have to get it for me. If I see an expensive Armani suit in the windows while I’m walking on the streets and want it, you should get it for me. If I’m hungry and want to have dumplings bright early in the morning before I wake up, I want you to get it for me. If I see something that scares me, you have to protect me.”

“And lastly, if I want you to give me your wallet, you should just give it to me,” Lu Yao finished, leaning into the back of his seat. “If you can do all of that, I’ll go to the Marriage Registration Office today with our hukou ben.”

The woman didn’t seem surprised at his outburst, and with a sigh, she commented, “I’m only here out of a favour for Lu Miao, we work together. I’ve obviously heard of your penchant for being incredibly demanding, and wanted to see it for myself. Doing this though… don’t you think you’re bringing shame to the Lu family?”

“Every single one of your siblings is successful in their own right, I don’t know how they ended up with you,” she said. “At the very least, you should be mindful of keeping the reputation and honour your family has painstakingly built over the years intact.”

“I’ll settle the bill for this one.”

That evening, Lu Yao got so drunk that Chusheng took it upon himself to send him home, not that the man remembers it.

—

And so here they are, two weeks after that sad blind date that probably hit a little too close to home for Lu Yao, on his fifth date.

This time, however, it seems that this woman isn’t as easy to dismiss as any of the previous ones. Chusheng suspects that there’s something wrong with her, to be honest.

“Lu Yao,” the woman says seriously, “I’ve been in love with you since I saw you at a family’s gathering when I was eight. I’ll treat you well, I promise! I’ve heard of all the conditions that you want, and I can fulfil all of them.”

Well, that is something none of them are expecting, least of all Lu Yao. Looking slightly stunned, Lu Yao sits up in his seat, and goes, “Everything? You’ll give me your wallet? How much dowry?”

“All of it! It’s not like I can’t afford it,” she nods enthusiastically. “I’ll do anything for you, Yao-gege.”

Lu Yao almost flinches when the woman reaches over, her hand tightly gripping his.

“Don’t you remember? It was dinner at the Feng mansion, you surely remember Feng-bo, right? I fell down the stairs when one of the other kids shoved me to the side while he was running, and you were the one who came over and helped me find my mother. You protected me, Yao-gege. I’ve always remembered that, and then when I heard you were looking for a match-“

“-I’m not, my sister and my father are looking for a match for me-“

“-I knew I couldn’t let this pass up. It’s okay if you don’t love me right now, you’ll see how much I am willing to do for you, and given time, I’m sure you’ll start to love me.”

Oh dear, Chusheng thinks as he sets his glass down.

—

“I can’t,” Lu Yao blurts out, snatching his hand back, properly spooked. “I’m… Chen Xue, you’re… I cannot marry you.”

“Why not? You said that as long as someone agrees to all your demands, you’ll marry them immediately! Is it because I’m not good enough?”

“I- I’m… No, of course not, you’re great, Chen Xue. I’m just… I cannot-“

What a time for his wilfulness to come back and bite him in the fucking ass, Lu Yao thinks, about to panic for real.

“If I’m great, then there should be no issue,” Chen Xue concludes, reaching over to grab Lu Yao’s hand again. “Yao-gege, let’s go now. We can get married today, and deal with the huge wedding and banquets later.”

He’s done for, Lu Yao knows that, and damn Lu Miao for finding him an obsessive match!

Just as he’s desperately thinking of something to say, a shadow falls over them both, and Lu Yao finds himself with another hand over his wrist.

Looking up, his throat goes entirely dry.

“He can’t marry you,” the tall, dark and handsome man says. “Because he’s going to marry me instead.”

Then smiling almost roguishly at him, the man continues, “Isn’t that right, baobei?”

Lu Yao feels shivers running down his skin at the sound of that, and despite himself, his breath catches in his throat when he tries to speak.

He remembers this man, sitting at the counter quietly every single time Lu Yao is here, nursing a glass of whiskey. And just two weeks ago, Lu Yao remembers someone buckling his seatbelt for him in the car, remembers the scent of a specific aftershave as the man leaned in close, and his voice when he told the driver to send Lu Yao home.

“Who the hell are you?!” Chen Xue asks, her eyes going wide. “What nonsense are you saying-“

“Yes,” Lu Yao interrupts, getting to his feet and plastering himself to the man’s side. “Yes, that’s right. I can’t marry you because I’m going to marry him instead. I’m sorry, Chen Xue.”

Chen Xue is silent for a whole minute, looking entirely betrayed. It’s a look that Lu Yao is familiar with, and so he prepares himself for the glass of water or wine that’s going to be splashed in his face in anger, but the moment Chen Xue reaches for the wine glass, the man next to him pulls Lu Yao behind him.

“Chen-xiaojie, wasn’t it? Qing Ling Tian welcomes any and all paying customers, including yourself, but I will not allow you to cause a scene here,” he says. “Please put that down.”

Shaking angrily, Chen Xue scowls, “I want to see your manager! Who the hell are you to talk to me like that, do you know who I am?”

Lu Yao��s hand unconsciously reaches for the man’s jacket sleeve, tugging in fear of the trouble this woman obviously is. While he’s grateful that the man has given him a way out, Chen Xue is indeed the daughter of one of the ministers sitting in the cabinet right now, and even Lu Zifu has to play nice with the old man. Lu Yao doesn’t want to get this nice man into real trouble either.

He opens his mouth to appease Chen Xue somehow, but the man beats him to it.

“Of course I do,” he says, cocking his head to the side. “Chen Xue, Chen Fu Man, Minister Chen’s only daughter. Lao ye-zi has a standing monthly appointment with Chen-shu for mahjong if I recall correctly. As for speaking to the manager, I’ll do you one better. I’m the owner of Qing Ling Tian. Is there something I can help you with?”

At this, both Chen Xue and Lu Yao stare at him, eyes wide and mouths open.

“You’re… you’re…” Chen Xue swallows, and finally putting the wine glass down. “You’re Qiao… Chusheng? Bai-shushu’s…”

“Indeed,” Chusheng nods. “If there’s nothing else, Chen-xiaojie, I’d like to have a nice dinner with my fiancé. Let me have Ah Dou escort you out. Ah Dou!”

“Chusheng-ge,” another man comes over from where he was standing at the entrance of the room.

“Escort Chen-xiaojie out and get Xiao Yun to send her home,” Chusheng orders.

So stunned at the turn of events and what he’s just found out, that Lu Yao doesn’t even move or blink after Chen Xue is forcibly guided out of the room for a good few moments.

It’s only when he hears a breathy chuckle close to his ear that Lu Yao realizes where his fingers are, still pinching Chusheng’s jacket sleeve. As if burnt, Lu Yao steps away, absolutely mortified. Chusheng, Qiao Chusheng, just saw him make an absolute fool of himself.

“I- I…”

“Sit down before you keel over,” Chusheng says, guiding him back into his seat and then to the waiter standing near them, “Da Ding, clear this table and have a fresh course brought up. The Fo Tiao Qiang soup that Lu-xiansheng likes to eat as well, and some of Man-jie’s best dumplings.”

Lu Yao looks up in surprise. He’s speechless still, until Chusheng pushes a glass of warm water over to him.

“Thank you, for helping me out earlier,” he mumbles, embarrassed. “I… I must have caused a scene.”

“No worries,” Chusheng smiles, and damn if Lu Yao’s heart doesn’t skip a beat at that. “Glad that I could help. Lu Yao, is that correct?”

“Mnn,” Lu Yao nods, taking a sip of the water nervously.

“Will you consider going out with me?” Chusheng asks sudddenly.

Lu Yao chokes on his water.

It’s Chusheng who pats him on the back, who presses a napkin to his mouth and looks at him a little fondly while he’s having a coughing fit. When Lu Yao surfaces again, he croaks, “What?”

“I won’t make you go to the Marriage Registration Office with me immediately of course,” Chusheng continues as if this conversation is normal. “We should probably date first, and then if we still like each other after a few, we could set up a meeting between our families and see how it goes. I’m certain your sister would like to take a look at me first, and the same goes for my sister. She’d like to meet you first after.”

“Wait, wait,” Lu Yao tries to breathe. “Hold on a second. You’re saying, like date me?”

“Mnn. Do you think I jest? I’m all for showing my sincerity,” Chusheng smirks almost. “I have a few cars and properties, and I can put your name on any of the ones you like next time, so you don’t have to buy your own. I earn enough, so you can happily pursue your doctorate if that’s what you want. If you don’t, there are a number of open finance-related positions in my company for you to do what you do best.”

“How did you know I have a finance degree?!”

Chusheng raises an eyebrow pointedly and goes, “Blind Date Number Three asked you what your hobbies were and you said ‘making money’ because ‘that’s what I got my degree for’.”

Lu Yao flushes red immediately.

“If you’re marrying me,” Chusheng continues, “Of course the Bai family will give you a dowry and an allowance, just take any of my cards, that should be enough.”

“Who said… who said I was marrying you?!” Lu Yao splutters. “And you’ve been listening in on my dates!”

“It’s a little hard not to listen in when you’re going on so righteously about how you want someone to give you all their assets and pamper you to death,” Chusheng rolls his eyes a little.

“And that night, it was you?”

“Which night?” he teases, and then taking pity on a Lu Yao whose face is entirely red now, he nods, “You were very drunk that night and thought that you called for a ride. You showed your Didi Chuxing app to me yourself with your address on it, I didn’t steal information from you.”

Finally, finally, after so many blind dates, Lu Yao is quiet.

Wondering if he’s scared Lu Yao off for real, Chusheng opens his mouth, ready to try a softer approach and apologize when Lu Yao asks, “… so if I really want a baguette in the middle of the night you’ll get it for me?”

“… I hope we’ll already have a baguette in the house for you seeing how much you like them,” Chusheng answers carefully, “But yes.”

“And if I want dumplings in the morning for breakfast?”

“I’ll call Ah Dou and have it brought in from the restaurant.”

“I don’t like Armani suits, but if I wanted something expensive…”

Chusheng takes out his wallet, and slides three credit cards over the table.

With wide eyes, Lu Yao asks again, “And if I asked you to give me your wallet-“

The wallet lands on the table in between them.

“As for the last one,” Chusheng smiles and leans forward, “I think I demonstrated earlier that I’m more than capable of protecting you whenever you’re scared. Don’t you think? So do I pass?”

The food comes then, interrupting their conversation. Chusheng doesn’t press either, instead scooping out a bowl of soup for Lu Yao and insisting that he eats, knowing that he couldn’t stomach any of his meal earlier with Chen Xue.

At the end of the meal, Lu Yao finally says, “… I want to go to the movies next week.”

“Mnn,” Chusuheng makes a noise of assent. “I’ll buy you dinner before that.”

“I’ll buy the movie tickets and popcorn,” Lu Yao adds, almost a little shyly.

When they leave the restaurant later, Chusheng is holding onto Lu Yao’s hand as he leads him out.

The warmth he feels from that touch alone makes everything right suddenly, and not even his phone continually vibrating in his pocket from his sister’s calls can dampen his mood.

===

*Qing Ling Tian 青玲天 - I guess it's a way for Chusheng to pay homage to the Green Dragon gang 青龙帮 not that he's in a gang right now (he's totally a legitimate businessman)

*Shanghai's cuisine is called Shanghai Cai (shanghai dishes literally), but also can be called Hu Cai (hu cuisine)

*Didi Chuxing - This is China's version of Uber/Lyft/Grab

*hukou ben - In brief, all Chinese citizens need to belong to a family register and have a 'hukou', it's almost like a proof of citizenship I think. Anyway, you need these 'hukou' booklets (like a birth cert) to get married, you bring the booklets down to the office, and take a photo against a red wall, and they print the photos and paste them in the booklets.

*-jie/-shushu/-gege/-bo - older sister/uncle/older brother/uncle

*baobei - darling or baby

#民国奇探 #mriad #my roommate is a detective #chuyao #qiao chusheng #lu yao #mriad fic

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i-am-just-a-kiddo · 4 years ago

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2020 year in a review

thanks for tagging me @vishcount, eventhough you probably know all of these answers already. i don’t know if i am gonna do the other one, let’s see. tagging @the-cloud-whisperer, @sassyassassy, @intyalote as usual, if you have fun with this! I really tried to rank these amongst the top five, which was a personal challenge for me, so don’t take these rankings too seriously. my answers below the cut cause there is a novel incoming:

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

I don’t watch many movies in general, though I have seen quite a handful this year actually? I might have forgotten half of it already tbh

Moonlit Winter (2019) -I have been waiting to find this movie online for ages, so I was incredibly happy when I finally found it at the beginning of this year. It’s wonderful, heartbreaking and raw - about the relationship between mother and daughter, about lost queer love between the mother and her friend, about life in general. I cried buckets.

Parasite (2019) -do I have to say anything? I don’t think so, this movie defined many this year right?

The King and the Clown (2005) -pleasantly surprised by this one, it made me cry and sad and it’s not a happy gay story but it still touched me so much. also the production is amazing

Mulan (2009) -I rewatched this movie this year after hearing about the chaos that was Mulan 2020, and it still gets me; I don’t know what it is, but it might be the last part of the movie that always hits me like a train and I am back to thinking about it

Inside The Girls (2014) -not actually a good movie with a horrible name, but certainly interesting and had some potential?? I am listing it because I had a lot of fun watching it with my dear friend vish and it was fun sharing our opinions on that, but I don’t actually recommend it that much (unless of course you wanna see Cheng Yi and Yin Zheng in a movie together being assholes)

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

I probably watched around 20 shows this year so picking this was hard somehow? I feel like I forgot some gems but I guess these are the ones that stood out to me

Nirvana In Fire (2015) -by far the best show I’ve seen in a long time. The plot, the characters, the production - it really blew me away. I can’t recommend it enough because I still cry about it.

Winter Begonia (2020) -Funny how I am listing this here so high considering the split opinions I have about this show but damnit, in the end it won me over. It was truly something else wow.

The Stranded (Netflix 2019) -Another surprise, but I just remembered this little show and it was so good? I really hope we will get a second season because I loved the first one and it was way too short. Also the production of this is so stunning, as well as the interesting set of characters.

Original Sin (2018) -This was a gem I discovered in the latter part of the year, mainly because of Yin Zheng, but when I watched it, it hit my mood perfectly. A crime show that has a beautiful atmosphere and is focused on characters. It has its faults and if you watch it for the cases and the plot, it’s not the most outstanding show but damnit, I watched it twice and loved it.

YYY: The Series (2020) -Amongst all these BL shows out there, this is my personal gem. It’s a wild ride of crack and sweetness, so enter at your own risk. let me just say I did not expect to bawl my eyes out at this tiny cracky show.

Top 5 songs of 2020

it really sucks having to choose only five songs but here I go from the huge amount of stuff I have listened to

Black Swan by BTS -this is pure art. in every way, it caters to my taste. I have nothing else to say except that it owns my soul. the visuals, the atmosphere, the music, the lyrics, the performance. it hits all marks and hurts me on a personal level.

Strange (feat. RM) by Agust D -this mixtape saved me and choosing my fave song from this was difficult but I guess I have to name this iconic collab. The lyrics of this are truly....something else. if you have time, please go check them out, as well as the entire mixtape.

Pain by Vaundy -I have been very obsessed with this song and this singer, he has my heart.

Rien à prouver by Yseult -again, I am just obsessed with this song and her voice, Yseult truly is a goddess to me at this point

Zombie by Day6 -perfectly captures my mind, my life and my state this year.

Top 5 books you read in 2020 I have only read two novels this year, everything else was either university stuff or poetry, so this is what I am mostly listing here.

Gyeongju. The Capital of Golden Silla by Sarah Milledge Nelson -I used this as my main source for one of my fics I wrote this year and it was perfect. I spent an intense week of only researching for this topic and had a blast; especially this book was a blessing because it gave a good overview of what life back then could have been like.

Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Stiefvater -one of the novels I read this year and I’ve been waiting for this for ages. Like the other books from TRC, I bingeread it on one day and adored it. Am excited for the rest of the trilogy and this new adventure!

Beyond The First Emperor’s Mausoleum: New Perspectives On Qin Art, edited by Liu Yang -I read this for one of my lectures and I thought it had very interesting essays, namely Archaeological Finds of the Maijiayuan Cemetery and Qin’s Interaction with Steppe Cultures by Wang Hui; and Qin Cosmography and the First Cosmic Capital - Xianyang by David W. Pankenier.

The Mongol Empire. Betweem Myth and Reality by Denise Aigle -another one I read for lectures and it was a good overview to the broad topic that is the Mongol Empire.

Night Sky With Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong -I adore Vuong’s writing style so I hope to read more of his work. This is a beautiful, raw and honest work and I hope many more will read his book and the stories he has to tell.

+ Bonus: Affinity by Sarah Waters - wlw set in 19th century London; very dark and spooky and very fun to read if you like this sort of atmosphere (as I do).

5 positive things that happened in 2020

i managed to write and create a lot during the first half of this year, which i will treasure greatly. recently i have been struggling a lot - maybe it’s getting back on track now, but i guess i am still proud of all i managed to write/draw/other wise create this year.

amazing new flatmates joined our collective so i feel happy that we have this pleasant dynamic going on currently

i acquired some new housplants which have made me very happy this year, eventhough i struggle a little bit to keep them completely happy. am truly trying my best

i started taking medications for my depression, anxiety and social phobia in autumn and i think it was for the best. i still struggle from time to time but i truly feel a difference and i am glad this worked out mostly smoothly for me

in september we went on a short holiday in on the countryside and on the last night we all went outside to sit on the pier by a small pond. i will never forget this moment because after what felt like ages, i saw a crystal clear night sky. i haven’t seen so many stars in years and i could even see their reflections on the water, it was so magical and breathtaking. i think it was the one moment that still stands out from everything else. i just wish to return there, on my own, and just lie down for hours

anyway, if you have read through this rambling, i wish you a very happy new year and hope things will get better!!

#phew #am finally done with this #i did not expect this to take so long lol #but it's nice #tag game #2020 #personal

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oneshots-heaven · 6 years ago

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“Can’t Cure Your Heart“

If there was one thing you shouldn’t do when you’re too drunk for your own good with a broken heart, it’s probably calling the one person to repair it who broke it in the first place.

Warning: NSFW (mature content / 18+), swearing, heavy drinking Tom Holland x Reader

A/N: This is nothing what Tom probably is in real life, therefore this is, as always, purely fiction and a piece of smutty crap (it’s literally the dirtiest thing I’ve ever wrote) and as known, it’s a little angsty and full of heartbreak. But somehow I’m proud and satisfied with my work (oh, and it’s over 6k), so enjoy!

Oh god, you thought, I shouldn’t have had that many drinks.

You stumbled down the little stairs from the sitting area of the club you were at. After a long week of endless meetings for the company you worked at, you all decided to go out for the night and enjoy the rest of the weekend. The place was filled with people, all dancing carefree closely to each other as the happy, up-beat music made them feel.

There was no denying that you were enjoying yourself too, but you said too easily and too often yes to another cocktail or another shot. Your group of colleagues was spilt up all over the club. Some were getting even more drinks at the bar, others were dancing and jumping around, while the rest was sitting drunkenly in the sitting area in the upper corner area.

Your head was buzzing and a part of you wished you could just go to sleep now, but the music as well as the alcohol kept your adrenaline up.

One more shot and you were absolutely done.

It hadn’t been your goal for tonight to get this drunk, it had started out innocently. You wanted to try out a new cocktail, which you never heard of, however, it turned out that it was better than you expected and half an hour later, you caught yourself walking around the club with your third one. Luckily, your colleagues were just as drunk as you were, if not more. Tonight, everyone was reaching their limits and even a little beyond.

You watched the people grinding on each other, seeing them kiss so passionately that you were literally able to feel their hunger. Or maybe it was because looking at them was enough to feel the hunger inside yourself.

You weren’t much of a club person, but you remembered how once you were the one on the dance floor, feeling a familiar body pressing against yours. You remembered how much you wanted that person. So much that you almost would have ripped their clothes from their body on the spot. You remembered the warm kisses on your neck that nipped on it just right to drive you crazy, as well as you heard the laugh in your ears that always turned you on, as if he was right beside you.

But he wasn’t. You were all alone and bothered by your memories of him.

Maybe you should call him.

Or absolutely not.

You made your way through the crowd, pushing yourself away from the greedy hands of strangers that may would have loved to dance with you. At the bar, you ordered another shot as a silly attempt to forget any of this. Even after throwing your head back and drinking the shot, feeling it burn down your throat, the thought of him was still there, also the undeniable desire of wanting him.

This was wrong, you shouldn’t want him.

But you needed him so bad.

With what must had looked like a goofy smile, you pulled your phone out of your little purse and scrolled through your contacts until you found his name. You starred at his name, hesitating, but then you walked away from the bar over to the toilettes, to get away from the loud music. It didn’t change anything, you still starred at his name.

You shouldn’t.

You pressed the calling button, holding your phone to your ear as you felt the rush of the last shot. The phone rang for ages, at least it felt like it.

“Y/N?“ his voice sounded breathless and kind of funny when it finally came through.

You smiled like an idiot. “Hello Thomas,“

You never called him by his first name, not even when you were angry at him. It just didn’t suit to him. For you, he always had been Tom and there was no other name you could ever call him. Besides, he used to love hearing you say it—or more likely, moan it.

“Y/N?“ he questioned again. “Is that you?“

“Well, doesn’t my ID reveal me? Or did you delete my number?“ you laughed.

“Jesus,“ he swore, his tone changed. “Have you been drinking?“

You leaned against the cold wall tiles. This stupid conversation couldn’t stop making you smile and the alcohol in your system didn’t help either. “Maybe, maybe not,“

“Don’t play,“ he answered harshly. “Where are you?“

At first, you felt foolish, now however, you liked the situation very much. You were hitting the right nerve, and you loved how furious it made him.

“Somewhere I get lots of alcohol from.“

He sighed, and you hated yourself for wanting to hear it again. “Y/N,“ you loved how he said your name. “How much did you drink?“

“Found a new cocktail, it’s delicious, but addicting.“ you told him, thinking about how he probably sat in the big bed in his apartment, running his hand frustrated through his dark curls. You could imagine it so clearly, although he surprised you by staying on the line or let alone, answering the phone.

“How many?“ he asked annoyed.

You shrugged, no matter if he could see it or not. “Four, or five. Maybe six. I lost count.“

“God, you’re absolutely trashed.“ he said. “Where are you?“

“Why-yyy should I tell you?“

“Because you’re clearly too drunk to even walk straight. I’m going to pick you up.“

Your heart completely missed a beat as you heard his words. Suddenly, your tipsy confidence was gone and left you all nervous. He wasn’t going to come and get you, wasn’t he? It had been months since you had last seen him and that wasn’t a pleasant visit either, it was only to pick up the rest of your stuff from his apartment.

“What if I don’t want you to pick me up?“ you asked, but struggled to hide the giggle. You wanted to play with him, tease him one last time real good. At the same time, you wanted to see him.

You heard him swear under his breath, almost forgotten how good his foul mouth sounded. “Don’t be stupid, you’re too drunk, so tell me, where are you?“

“No,“ you said with the obvious hint of drunken confidence, “I won’t. I’ll party with the others because I did a damn good job this week and I deserve to be drunk as hell.“

“Y/N,“ he warned you, sounding more serious than before.

The idiotic smile on your face changed to a better-knowing smirk as you hung up, putting your phone back in your pockets. You could laugh about how stupid that was, yet you felt powerful over your little success. It almost felt like a payback for his doings.

You walked back to the sitting area, ignoring the fact that Tom was right. You could barely walk anymore, but you weren’t giving in to that. Letting yourself fall next to your colleague Theo, he eyed you closely. His eyes were as red as probably yours were and you were sure that this must been his fifth Gin Tonic he had ordered tonight.

“Have I told you yet how good you look tonight, Y/N?“ he asked, drinking from his Gin Tonic the second later.

You shook your head, smiling at him, “No, but thank you very much.“

Theo leant his arm behind you to lean forward, however, not without stumbling more forward. He was totally drunk, but who were you to judge? You were just as drunk as he was.

“I really mean it. You look different than you usually look—more daring, I guess. More confident.“

His words made you weirdly blush. It had been a long time since someone—a man—had complimented you. The only thing that bugged you was that this was coming from Theo. The one guy you were so unsure about. Since you started working for the company, your female colleagues told you that you should watch out because all he wanted was to get in your pants. When you were still with Tom, he wasn’t as confident when he tried to pick you up. Unluckily for you, it went quickly around that it was over between Tom and you, and now Theo seemed to have found his perfect timing.

“I like the new confidence, it makes you so more sexy.“ he slurred in your ear.

You push yourself to the corner of the couch. “Theo, thank you, but—“

“But what?“

“This is too much, could you—“

He frowned over-dramatically. “What’s wrong, Y/N? I’m not doing anything, but I could do anything if you only asked me to.“

“She doesn’t want anything from you.“ a voice suddenly interrupted your conversation, making you instantly look up. The alcohol was doing bad things to you, but you still understood what was going on here.

Theo sighed annoyed, “Bloody hell, what do you want here, Holland?“

You starred at Tom, who ignored Theo completely. Instead he glanced right back at you, looking more than unhappy about this entire situation. He just stood there, dressed completely in black besides of the grey sweater—your favorite one on him—and his messy curls.

“Picking up my girl,“ he answered, being more calm than you would have imagined him to be.

Theo laughed, putting his arm around your shoulder. “She isn’t your girl anymore, or am I wrong?“

Tom pressed his lips together. You noticed how his hands balled to fists and for a moment, you feared something could happen, but Tom wasn’t like that. He was protective and sometimes he was even jealous, nevertheless he would never start a fight.

“Go home, Holland. No one invited you here. I’ll stay with Y/N.“

The smug on Theo’s face was bright as he tightened his arm around you, pressing you against him. A whimper left unwanted your mouth, which angered Tom even more.

“Get your dirty hands off her.“ Tom yelled at him over the music.

Theo looked at him, then glanced back to Tom, asking you, “Do you really wanna go with the guy who broke your heart? The guy that made you so miserable? Or do you wanna stay with someone who will treat you just as you deserve?“

Tom’s jaw tightened.

As you glanced back at your ex, you were able to see everything in his eyes. He knew how bad he had hurt you and that you didn’t call him because you had forgiven him. You knew that glance well enough, you knew how jealous he was in this moment, how much he hated Theo and how much he wanted you to come with him, instead of staying with Theo.

“Let go of me,“ you said, surprising not only Theo and Tom, but also yourself. You turned in Theo’s arms to him, pushing him away, repeating, “Let go of me.“

“You’re kidding, right?“ he tried to laugh it off, but gasped it more.

You pushed yourself entirely out of his hands, standing up with a little struggle. Your head was turning like crazy. This was too much—of literally everything. Tom was immediately there, helping you to stand and come over to him. You ignored the shivers, which he caused with his touch.

Theo leaned back, laughing, “You’re so miserable, Y/N. There you go back to the asshole who broke your heart. Well, don’t come crying, asking for someone to repair you. I won’t be there, no one will.“

Tom pushed you away from him, although it felt more like he was the one who needed to get away from Theo, before his fist might meet his jaw. You were too drunk to argue with Theo, however, you couldn’t just walk away, letting him feel like he won, so you said the next best thing that came to your drunk mind.

“You know what?“ you yelled back. “I don’t need anyone to fix me, and I’d rather let Tom fuck and break me over again than have ever been touched by you!“

Within seconds, you regretted your blunt words, yet they felt right because you didn’t lie. It is the fucked up truth that you couldn’t and wouldn’t explain. You turned your back to a raging Theo, turning helplessly to Tom. “Bring me away from here, please,“ you begged.

You didn’t have to beg, Tom wouldn’t have left without you on his side. He noticed your jacket, grabbing it from the other couch, before he took your hand into his and pulled you with him. You grasped after his arm, holding onto him. His glance felt one last time back to you, and your heart broke a little more, seeing his worried eyes. After all this time, you couldn’t believe that he still cared.

Tom pulled you protectively through the crowd of people, while you tried your hardest not to start crying. This is absolutely stupid and it had all been your fault. If you hadn’t drunk so much, then you would have never called Tom and Theo wouldn’t have tried to make another move on you, at least not one where you were an easy target.

Although Tom hurt you like no one else in your entire life ever did, he was probably the only one on this planet who was able to give you the comfort that you needed right now. Headed outside the club, he still didn’t let go of your hand and instead walked with you over the street where the car was parked.

He walked with you over the side of the car, opening up the door and took away the warmth of his hand. Quietly, you got into the car and let Tom close the door to quickly change the sides. The entire ride was silent, you didn’t know where he was headed. You couldn’t even concentrate on where he was going. You first realized it when he stopped the car in the parking lot of his apartment complex.

Silently, the two of you got out of the car. This time, he didn’t take your hand in his, however you felt him looking at you multiple times as he headed in front. You noticed how the anger was still taking control over his body. Perhaps he would tell you how angry he was, or maybe he would say nothing. After months not seeing him, you didn’t know if he was still the person who he was when you left.

Tom opened up the door to his beautiful apartment. Entering it wreaked a part of your old self that you had tried to bury. Once you used to call this your home too.

“You can sit down. I’ll get you a glass of water and some warm clothes.“ he said, absentminded.

Leaving you alone in the hallway, the apartment suddenly seemed so much large than it actually was. You knew it so well, but looking at it now, it appeared so unfamiliar. Holding onto your jacket, you stepped into the open living room, not having really the chance to sit down as Tom returned with a pair of sweatpants and a shirt as well as a glass of water.

“Here,“ he said, handing you over the glass, which you gladly accepted. The alcohol sounded like fun hours ago, now it was the worst. Foremost because it made you drag Tom into this mess of yourself.

No matter how greedily you drunk the water, the dizziness and fogged up mind was still there. “Thank you,“ you whispered.

He answered silently with the hint of a smile. Oh God, how much did you missed his smile. What would you give to hear me laugh again. In the awkward silence, he pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans, pulling them down a bit, revealing his stomach and underwear a little. You chose to ignore the fact that your body was still aching after his. Even after all these months.

“I’m sorry—“

“Can I ask you—“

You smiled apologetic, which didn’t help to ease the embarrassment. “You first,“ you said.

Tom gulped almost unnoticeably. “Can I ask you something?“ he repeated.

“Sure,“

“Did Theo… did he do what he said? Repair you?“ his words were not more than whispers, as if he was scared of the answer.

He didn’t need to speak any further, you understood what he was trying to ask you.

“Yes… no, not really,“ you sighed, “It’s hard to explain. I did come crying to him. My foolish ass mistook his words as the truth, that he wanted me and that he would be able to repair what you had broken. I went out with him once. He kissed me afterwards, then he tried to get me into his bed, but I walked away and called my own taxi.“

You shouldn’t care about his feelings, he didn’t do either when he broke up with you, yet you felt sorry for him as you told him. Maybe because you knew he would have to live with that and it would destroy a selfish part of him.

Tom said nothing at first, only shifting seemingly uncomfortable, pulling his hands out of his pockets. “Did you found someone else to repair you?“

“No,“ you answered truthfully. After your date with Theo, you hadn’t been with anyone. It was too much to bare, especially when all you could think about was still Tom. You eyed him, how he was trying not to seem delighted by your answer. The truth was, he was happier to hear that than hear otherwise.

“I shouldn’t have called you.“

His face shifted. “No, I’m… glad you called.“

“Don’t lie.“

“If you hadn’t called me, then I wouldn’t have known that you were with this idiot. On top of that, completely wasted.“

Your eyes met his. “That isn’t your problem anymore.“

You had never seen him this pained. “It never meant that I stopped caring about you.“

“No, that is exactly what breaking up means. You stop caring about the other.“ you told him, defending yourself.

“That’s not true,“ he argued loudly. “I just couldn’t continue being the one who constantly hurt you, and I couldn’t make it stop. Fuck, Y/N, you meant everything to me, more than anything else in this fucking world and if you truly believe that that has changed, then I don’t know anymore.“

You looked away, putting the glass down on the coffee table. You should leave. This wasn’t the right place to stay, but something inside you made you stay. This was already a complete disaster, why try to make it better now?

“Do it,“ you said.

“Do what?“

You looked him so deep in the eyes, just to let him know that what you were about to say, that you meant it. You stepped forward, as you said, “Fuck me and break me again.“

“I can’t.“

“Why not?“

Tom shoved himself away from you. “Y/N, you’re drunk. And I won’t hurt you any longer.“

You threw your jacket and purse on the ground, stepping in front of him only to push him onto the couch he was standing against. With a muff, he fell onto it, trying to stand up immediately after, however, you were quicker than him as you climbed onto his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck. Taken back by your actions, he was shaking underneath you.

“Y/N,“ he warned you, sounding more desperate than demanding.

“Fuck me one last time,“ you whispered against his skin.

“Don’t say that,“ he begged, trying to remove your arms from his neck.

You leaned forward, nipping on his neck. His hands went down to your waist, still trying to get you off him. “Show me that you still care, even if I can’t have you anymore.“

“You’re wasted. You don’t know what you’re saying—or doing. Y/N, please.“

You sucked at his favorite spot, having him hiss your name under his breath. “Please,“

“I don’t want to use you.“

“I know,“ you assured him. “You don’t, I’m asking you to do so. Drunk or not. Show me that you care, how much you care. Will you?“

You rolled your hips over his, making eye contact for the first time since asking him.

“Yes,“ he breathed, struggling to know what to do.

“Say it, if you mean it.“

“Yes. Yes, I will fuck you.“

This time, you felt that he meant it. His hands loosened up around your waist, dropping down to your hips, pulling you closer on his hips. You would both destroy each other, but you didn’t care, you still continued to rub yourself on his legs. You rather wished to feel his fingers again, not even thinking about how good his tongue used to feel.

You had never wanted him more in your life than right now.

His hands supported your movements, right until his mouth met yours. For a moment, you both froze before you ignited. Feeling the familiar contours of his body and tasting him on your tongue set your entire body on fire. You moaned into his mouth and were rewarded by an equally pleased sound from his mouth.

You couldn’t wait to feel him again. Your body did your head a favor, kissing him hard before you slipped from his lap. His eyes were only focused on you as you unbuttoned his pants. Tom held up his hip a little to make it easier for you to pull them down. Pushing yourself with your arms up, you reached once again to kiss him. Tom responded hard, sucking on your bottom lip but ultimately gasped as you palmed his hardened penis through his boxers.

“Fuck it,“ he cursed, suddenly pulling you by your waist up, throwing you onto the couch. “Tonight’s all about you.“

Your heart fluttered. With one swift movement, he stripped down his sweater, throwing it onto the ground. As he leant back to you, your hands found their way up his stomach. Shivers ran down his spine, but he was so focused on you. Kissing you passionately, he continued to plant kisses down your neck, having gasp in his arms. The weight of his body on yours reminded you of all the good times you had. All the times he had made you feel so fucking alive.

His hands dropped to your shoulders, pulling down the straps of your dress as well as the ones of your bra. He moved away from, demanding, “Stand up,“

You freed yourself, standing up as he pushed himself up, kissing the back of your neck as his hands pulled down the zipper of your dress that you let fall down to the floor, leaving you only in your underwear. Tom was quick to also unclasped your bra, which you also dropped to the floor, before he turned you back around to him. His lips were back on yours, and you couldn’t get enough.

He broke the kiss, looking at you for the breath of a moment. Pushing one strand of your hair behind your ear, he said, “I’m not going to fuck you on the couch.“

“Where then?“ you dared to whisper, being surprised by your hoarse voice.

Tom held onto your cheeks. “In our bed, like you deserve.“

My girl. Our bed.

All these words made you want him only more. Out of nowhere, he put his arms under your legs and your back, pulling you up from the ground. You shrieked, putting your arms around his neck. Tom carried you over to his bedroom, letting you down right in front of the bed. You still held onto him, not wanting to let go. His mouth twitched to a smug as his hands ran down your spine.

“Lay on the bed for me,“ he whispered, giving your ass a light squeeze.

Dressed in nothing but your panties, you laid down on the bed, watching Tom how he got closer to hook his fingers in your underwear to pull them down your legs in one swift movement. Cold air greeted your heat as he pushed your legs apart. His eyes were on you, watching you closely as he kneeled down at the end of the bed.

You couldn’t deny the excitement that grew inside you. You didn’t want to play around, you wanted to feel him, to know that he was there and that maybe an honest part of him truly cared.

Tom planted kisses along your thighs, causing you to close your eyes whenever he kissed the insides of your thighs. The thought of his mouth on your most sensitive part was driving you crazy, especially because you remembered how good it felt.

“Tom, please,“ you begged him, glancing down to him to met his eyes.

“As you wish,“ he said and answered to your wish with his mouth on the right spot. You gasped, holding onto the bedsheets. He kissed you the way he used, as if he had never stopped doing that. It was too good to be true—so good that your body tried to escape this feeling, but Tom had his arms tight around your legs. You were surrendered by the mercy of his skilled tongue.

You ran one of your hands through his messy curls, pulling at them as he sucked you hard. It was so easy for him to turn you into this moaning mess that was weakened in his arms. As he added his finger, you felt the tightness in your stomach. It had been so long since you last felt this good. There was no other person on this earth who could make you feel this good by just simple things.

You only thought about Tom, and how he was here, right here. The feeling overwhelmed you. You cried out his name loudly, not caring a damn thing about his neighbors. You wanted him and them to hear how good he made you feel.

Tom pushed himself up, climbing over your naked body as you still relaxed from your high. Breathless, you glanced to him. His eyes were filled with hunger and lust, perhaps just like yours were.

You wanted more. No, you needed more of him.

Your actions were as quick as your thought. You pushed your hand down his open jeans, palming his hard member, signaling him that you hadn’t had enough. Tom stood up, stripping completely down. You bit your lip, noticing his throbbing member. How much you wanted to wrap your mouth around it, but you wanted to feel him more.

As he came back to you, you put your hand around his shaft, slowly pumping it up and down. Tom closed this eyes, enjoying the feeling for a short moment. “How do you want me?“ you asked him, earning an angry look from him.

“I want you like I had you first,“ he answered, not knowing what his words were doing you. Not only physically, but to your mind too.

You let go of his hard member, crawling back on the bed and laying down on your back. Your first time with Tom wasn’t anything overly sexy, all you had was passionate, loved sex in one position. After putting on a condom, Tom climbed on top of you, lining himself up with your entrance. His hand caressed your cheek, hesitating for a bit. You didn’t want him to think, you just wanted him.

“Fuck me, Tom,“ you whispered against his swollen lips.

“Believe me, I will.“

He connected his lips with yours as he pushed himself inside you, having you sigh into his mouth. His movements were slow and not much, giving you enough time to adjust to him, however, it didn’t took you long to adjust back to what had been missing for the past months. With a nod, you gave him the signal to move.

Wrapping your arms around his neck, he kissed you hard as his hips rocked against yours. You closed your eyes, breathing heavily against his neck as your hands slid down to his arms, where you held on tight. Ever since the two of you had gone your own ways, you never thought that you would feel him this way again. You wanted not a second to pass, you wanted this forever.

You hooked your legs around his hips, allowing him to feel you even deeper. Tom moaned in your mouth as he wanted to kiss you again.

“You don’t know what you’re doing to me,“ he breathed, rocking his hips even harder.

You nodded at his action, telling him to keep going before smiling shyly. The concentrated expression on his face was swept away by his encouraging smirk. He was right there, and for this very moment, your heart slowed down a little. It stopped worrying about a future without him and how life would turn out. It was him and you, and that was the only thing you cared about.

“Deeper,“ you gasped, meeting his hips, earning a well deserved groan from his lips.

Tom’s eyes met yours as he briefly slowed down, meeting your hips suddenly much deeper than before. His hand held onto your hips, digging into your naked skin. You kept nodding eagerly for more as his hand went up along your body, causing a shiver to run down your entire body. He buried his head in the crook of your neck, rocking his hips against yours over and over again.

“Do you feel it?“ he asked. “How much I still care. How much you still mean to me.“

A part of you wanted to answer with ’No’, only to see what might happen, but you couldn’t deny how good he made you feel. Tom pushed himself out of you, leaving you with a feeling of missing for seconds, before pushing back in, fulfilling you in every way possible. Fuck yes, you felt it and craved more of that feeling.

“Yes,“ you moaned. “God, yes. I do.“

You felt it more and more.

It left nothing else on your mind besides the thought of him and you.

Of what the two of you could have been with it had all ended. What you could become after all of this. No matter how, it was Tom and you. Always.

Your eyes filled with tears.

Tom. The love of your life. The man who would cherish your body and made you feel like no one else ever could. The only man who you had ever truly loved, and who you would still forgive for breaking your heart. Things were so complicated with him and at the same time, they weren’t. Either you gave it your all or you didn’t.

And for Tom, you were ready to go all in.

Always.

Tom and your lips’ connected as the sudden rush came over you in waves. It electrified the air, your bodies, as well as your hearts. Kissing him back hard, you held him close to experience every single second of it with him together. He groaned your name into the kiss, collapsing on top of you, both completely covered in sweat.

For the blink of a moment, there was nothing but silence. Only the warmth of his body comforted you, as he wasn’t gone yet. He tried to recollected the last energy he had to push himself up to give yourself more space to breathe. But you couldn’t focus on anything. Your heart was racing, your body shaking and your breath was flat.

You feared what you might feel any second after this moment was over, yet you felt weird to fall apart again. To have been with him one last time was worth it. For the first time since you had broken up, you had felt like you were still capable of feeling something. All the pain struck you alive and tore you apart, but you were grateful for it.

The warmth of his body disappeared as he pushed himself wordlessly up and walked out of his room across to the bathroom. The wounds that you had tried to heal over the past month were cracking open again and bleeding out, you felt it so vividly that you gasped after air. Suddenly, you couldn’t breath. You held a hand over your mouth, trying to cover up your sobs as you desperately pulled the covers up to hide your body under it. It was over, was it?

You blinked quickly, seeing how Tom entered his bedroom cleaned up again. But something struck you. He came in still naked, still vulnerable with his curly messed up and his cheeks in a pinkish tone. You starred at him as he made his way over to the bed again, and he allowed it. He watched closely how you eyed him. Your hand that had held tightly onto the covers let it go, revealing your vulnerable, naked self to him too.

There was everything—the pain and hatred, but also the trust and love.

“I’m sorry, I made you do this.“

Tom’s eyes met your glance, worried and confused. “No, don’t be.“ he replied instantly before hesitating, “I wanted this too.“

“Or maybe you’re just saying this because you’re confused,“

“I am not.“

You broke off the glance. Did you really think you were strong enough to go through this again?

“Y/N,“ he pulled your attention back to him. “I know what I want. I wanted you, I always will.“

“And what does that mean?“ you asked him.

He sighed, brushing his fingers along your exposed thigh. “I… I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.“

“Try it then,“

“I know I want you. In fact, I’ve never wanted anyone or anything in this world more than I want you. You have no idea how much it hurt to break your heart and let you go. I didn’t want to. Believe me, it was the last thing I wanted to do.“ he tried to explain, but he seemed to fail to believe his own words. “I can’t be the one who breaks your heart again when you could’ve someone who really love you and makes up for the times I couldn’t be there for you—“

“You’re a fool, if you believed so,“ you interrupted him. “I’d rather have you break my heart over again, but know that what you feel is true then for you to leave me.“

Tom shun your glance as best as he could. In fact, he didn’t seem to dare himself to look once at you again. You knew that there was a difference between lust and love, and you had no idea what fitted his feelings more. But if he still loved you like he once used to, what kept him from continuing? Was it guilt that he felt burdened with?

“Tom,“ you whispered in the dark of his room. “Tom, look at me. Please.“

Your desperate, yet soft spoken begging made him search for your eyes, leaving your heart wilding underneath your chest. The question laid so easily on your lips, nevertheless it didn’t leave it in fear of his answer.

You had to break your own heart to find it out. One last time to know it all.

He breathed out as you crawled toward him, laying your hand on his cheek, so he wouldn’t look away. Not this time.

“You want me?“

Tom pressed his lips together. His teary eyes told you that he struggled. “Yes.“

Your mouth twitched, before the waves of sadness overcame you. “But do you love me?“

It struck your breath, seeing his eyes slowly tearing. It was the bittersweet truth you finally had to face. You could miss him as much as you wanted, but if his feelings had changed, then you had to let him go. You understood why he did what he did, although you didn’t want to believe it at first. Maybe he didn’t love you enough to be with you, or maybe he loved you too much to put through this pain.

Your other hand found its way to his cheek as you laid your forehead against his, closing your eyes. You couldn’t stop the tears from falling either. This was a mess, you both were a mess of unknown feelings, too many memories and no closure.

It was the blink of a moment when his lips brushed against yours before he kissed you with all he had left. There was no air to breathe in your lungs, your heart felt like it had suddenly stopped, yet the tears were falling down your cheeks as you came back to your senses to realize what was happening. Everything he could possibly tell you, you felt in his kiss.

You crawled into his lap, feeling every inch of his body against yours. You forgot about any other time you had ever kissed him, this felt entirely new. It was different—it wasn’t a goodbye and it wasn’t a greeting either. It was more like a reminder that nothing had ever changed, besides that everything was used to be was much more worth now.

Your bodies moved in rhythm, causing a groan to escape his lips as you ran your hands through his curls. His lips were still so close against yours as you caught your breath. “I love you,“ he breathed. “I think I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.“

Your heart fluttered.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, smiling against his lips as you leant your forehead against his once again, causing him to smile too. “Then don’t ever let me go again.“

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