#YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE EVEN FUNNIER THOUGH? if the DNA test came back and it was like. Yr not related lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

adiwriting · 4 years

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FYI thanks for mocking me on discord that was fun to see my heightened emotions of the day mocked by my fav writer. I wasn't planning on saying anything but I figured if it stops you guys taking the piss out of other asks you said you weren't even going to publish in the first place then perhaps I should. Be aware some of us don't have tumblr accounts. This is not the friendly fandom I was led to believe if you enjoy doing that with friends on discord in the public chats. Thanks for educating me

First of all, I’m not even sure how this ask got through except to say that Tumblr is buggy AF and I’m angry about it. Most people that have anon off, have it off for a reason, so that fact that Tumblr can just up and ignore that to let anons through is pretty shitty and @staff should look into that.

But since this is not the first time that somebody has accused me of trigging them over the entire Tyler Blackburn situation, I’m going to write up a response and hopefully everyone that’s been triggered by me and my words can all read this and perhaps have an ounce of self-awareness and empathy for others.

12 days ago, I wrote a post about fandom racism that also apparently was the first time most of fandom was learning about the fact that Tyler Blackburn was not an indigenous person. I expected about 10 people to read it and for it to anger about 1-2 people. Those were my expectations. To get an angry anon or two. To have somebody pop into my replies to argue DNA testing. So when the post blew up and I became the subject of fandom rage, with new people vague blogging me by the hour, my DMs and my inbox filled with hate, and this became “the topic” of fandom on multiple platforms... I wasn’t mentally ready for it.

Despite all of that, I still stand by the spirit of that original post. I still stand by the fact that I posted asking people to stop calling Tyler a POC and using that as a defense of their own racist behavior. I DON’T stand by my argument of using percentages or DNA testing to “prove” Tyler wasn’t NA. I’ve learned better over the last 12 days. I don’t stand by my statement that we shouldn’t cancel Tyler. As a white woman, that isn’t my call and I don’t get to decide how the indigenous fans respond to this hurtful news. But the things I regret revolve around not being a good ally. They don’t revolve around regret posting about Tyler’s actions and they certainly don’t revolve around any regret for calling out fandom racism.

Back to my response and my “mocking” behavior.

I want anyone who says that I triggered them (because it’s been a handful of people by now, either directly or through vague blogging about me) to understand something.

Most of us have been in the situation where you post something and you get 1-2 hate anons. You bitch about it, you complain to your friends, then you move on. Few of us have likely ever woken up day after day to 25+ messages calling you an awful person for having the audacity to share news about an actor who shared the news about himself first. It, understandably, gets to you. And yet, I’m not out here blaming those hate anons and DMs for being the reason I couldn’t sleep for a week, the reason I had full blown panic attacks, or the reason I couldn’t eat more than a bite of food each meal. Because at the end of the day, this fandom wasn’t the SOLE reason for my mental health issues and I refuse to blame other people for my own mental health issues. I refuse to say that anyone else “triggered” me, because the fact remains that anyone who triggered me only did so because I gave them the power to do so. Just like I would argue, I don’t have the power to trigger anyone else, you’ve all given me that power and you can take it away. You can unfollow me. You can block me. You can chose not to read my thoughts on things and let it affect your day. I’m not remotely worth anyone’s stress.

Did I publish anons after I said I wasn’t going to? Yes. Though, I’m 99% sure every anon I published were ones I received BEFORE I said I wouldn’t answer anons, and thus I’m not sure anyone sent me anything under the guise it wouldn’t be published. I’m pretty sure fandom etiquette is that you don’t send anon asks you don’t expect to be answered publicly. You can ask anyone who DM’d me their hate, I didn’t respond to any of THOSE things publicly. It isn’t the proper etiquette. But yes, I published the handful of anons that I found funny in a sea of ones that were truly disgusting. So disgusting that i had to delete them the moment they came into my inbox. But I kept a few that I found entertaining because I honestly, needed a laugh. And in the middle of a panic attack, I snapped, and responded to a handful of the funnier asks. Do I regret it? Sometimes. I don’t think it helped make the situation any better... but I also don’t think I said anything that I don’t stand behind either.

Did I talk to my friends on Discord about the asks I received? Yes. My friends were, understandably, worried about me and trying to show support. They asked me if I was getting a lot of hate about my post and I answered them honestly. And yes, the discussion did lean towards making fun of the more ridiculous defenses of Tyler’s actions. Because most of my friends on there still struggle to understand why we are defending Tyler’s actions. And most of my friends, I think, were trying to help me make light of a truly awful week for me.

I apologize if you felt we were mocking you. But considering any ask I got was sent in an effort to silence me and make me feel bad for calling out racism, I question why I should be apologizing to you and why there’s no expectation that anyone apologize to ME for the hazing I just went through. I ask why one specific group of fandom continues to use emotional manipulation to try and silence me for simply stating facts: Tyler is NOT a POC. Why is it okay that one group of fandom can continually attack others but when those blogs say anything, then we are suddenly told that we don’t respect anyone’s mental health. I have NEVER in my life bullied anyone. Even the Tyler Stan blogs that have come to me personally, off anon, to talk about their problems with me can hopefully have enough self awareness to let you know that I was apologetic for snapping and sympathetic to their mental health issues but also stood by my opinions that racism is real and I won’t apologize for posting about it.

I don’t care if people like Tyler. I don’t care if people’s favorite character is Alex. That is all fine with me. If you want to keep stanning Tyler and loving Alex, do so. Just know that I’m going to stand by my fans of color on this issue with Tyler and continue to post about racism. If that is something that people cannot get behind, they should 100% unfollow me and block my name.

If you want to read my writing but disengage with my opinions, I suggest you subscribe to me on AO3 and block me on Tumblr. But also, you can just stop reading my fic too. I promise you that nothing I write is remotely special enough for people to continue risking their mental health if the things I’m doing trigger you in any way.

Finally, I can empathize with you not having a Tumblr account to come at me with. But it sounds like you have a Discord account that you could have DM’d me on. And if you had come to me off of anon, I can 100% promise you that our interactions would have been respectful even if we disagreed. They also would have been private. But what I won’t apologize for is the fact that YOU came to ME on anon expecting some level of respect when the asks being sent to me weren’t respectful. I was accused of being the reason for Tyler’s anxiety. I was accused of being unsympathetic to a man who didn’t know his dad because his dad COULD have been native american and how did I feel about that? I was accused of trying to get Tyler fired. I was accused of a lot of awful things.

And yet... all I did was make a post about fandom racism. And anyone getting triggered by that should perhaps ask themselves this:

If you’ve never been racist in this fandom, why did my post feel like an attack against you?

#tw racism #discourse #still haven't figured out how to tag TB discussions for people who need space from it #Open to ideas #But still avoiding just flat out tagging Tyler Blackburn as the tag #not because I don't think it belongs in that tag #but because I'm trying to avoid that group of blogs who has been harassing me

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afictionaladventure16 · 5 years

Text

The Pen Pal Project (Chris Evans x Latina!OC)

Masterlist

Previously on The Pen Pal Project...

Warnings: Mentions of a dysfunctional family, foul language

Word Count: 1,656

Chapter 7

Letter #7

*Gif not mine

November 11th, 2017

“Wait, so when do you go back to filming?” Scott had asked for about the fifth time today.

Chris rolled his eyes slightly, “in the middle of January,” Chris mumbled.

“And you’ll be gone for about four months, what are you going to do about the girl you’ve been writing to?”

Chris sighed, “her name is Julie,” He stated, “and you guys keep making it seem like if something is going to happen.”

“Because we haven’t seen you this happy in a while,” Scott stated.

“I haven’t even met her, Scott, I don’t want to get my hopes up. Hell, she doesn’t know who I really am. Once she finds out she’s going to stop writing… So, I’m gonna pretend to be this normal guy Chris and I’m gonna help her and she’ll most likely do the same with me. Communication in this thing is the key, it’s what the project is about.”

Scott just smiled at how easily his brother was defending himself, “alright, alright,” Scott said as he put his hands up. He turned to look at their nieces and nephews playing in the yard. “But what if she doesn’t react that way?”

Chris sighed, knowing very well his little brother wasn’t going to let this go, not only him but his older sisters as well, “then you can say I told you so.”

Scott stayed silent for a few seconds, “I spoke to Jenny not too long ago,” he said softly.

Chris closed his eyes as if to hold his composure, “And?” It was true, he still was in pain of letting Jenny go, but they just weren’t a match. They were both so totally different people and he always wondered why they even got together in the first place.

Scott sighed, knowing he shouldn’t have brought Jenny up, “never mind. Shouldn’t have brought her up, I just wanted to change the subject.”

“you’re horrible at that,” Chris said as he let out a small chuckle.

“So I’ve been told,” Scott smiled.

“It’s getting late,” Chris said as he got up, he ran over to his nieces and nephews promising he’d be back tomorrow for a movie night. Walking back over to Scott, who was stuck babysitting for the night, “good luck,” Chris said with a smirk as he walked out the back gate.

Chris made his way on over to the post office, he’d been checking it since the day after he sent a letter, knowing very well that the letter wasn’t going to arrive as fast, he had some hope that it will.

Opening the door for an older lady who was leaving the post office, Chris made his way in. He opened the small p.o. box to only reveal a key and his letter. Chris grabbed the key and looked at the number that had been attached to it, Chris looked around for the specific box the key had been for, finally finding it at the very end of the post office. He opened the box to reveal an orange envelope that read Fragile on it.

Chris was even more excited about this as he noticed Julie’s name on the orange envelope, but of course, it would be her. Chris made his way out of the post office.

Once he was home, Chris made sure he spent some time with Dodger before even reading the letter, giving the lovable dog some food and then some much-needed cuddles. Chris then decided to read the letter.

Dear Chris,

Hmm, looking back at the letters, I recall that we both said it. As for your nickname…. I sure have to give this a thought, certainly, this is something I am going to have to put into the next letters perhaps, but only three chances? Come on, Chris, that isn’t fair. After all, I only know your first name. Of course, how can I forget that you are an actor? My bad.

You know, I’ve never thought of just sitting down with Mr. William and striking up a conversation, I’ll have to do that one of these days. You’ve opened my eyes, Chris.

As for the photos… attached I’ve included a photo I took for my photography class back in college, I am proud of it till this day.

Chris took out the photo from the envelope, it was a beautiful landscape photo in black and white.

It’s from the hills here in California, near the beach, I was driving to get my mind off things and came across this abandoned silo, the photo was just screaming to be taken. So, I pulled over and I may have trespassed, but I got this amazing photo in the process... I hope you like it. It’s my only hard copy.

Chris looked at the photo in awe, wondering if Julie knew how much talent she had, Chris admitted to himself that he could never make such a portrait. The way you just captured the image, blew Chris away, he didn’t know how but he felt so many emotions. Just knowing that you had given him your only hard copy of the photo, meant so much to Chris. He cherished that photo.

I sure do hope you are funnier in person; it’d be a real let down if you aren’t. I can see myself now, making jokes and you just looking utterly confused because you lied of your sense of humor. Tragic.

Living pretty well, you say? Is that a metaphor or something? Does “living pretty well” mean, “help me, I’m poor.” I swear English class has me traumatized. Constantly trying to find meaning in words that don’t have any meaning.

Yes, I am Latina. I do speak Spanish, pretty fluently actually. Willing to learn? The first word you will be learning is Hola. Ho-la. Probably should’ve started with the Spanish alphabet… this would be easier if taught in person… maybe one day? That way I can see you fail in person, oh the scenarios, they are hilarious! Boston must be nice, Chris. I’ve always wanted to visit. Washington D.C. too and New York. I just love to travel. I visited Europe a couple years back, made me realize that I just don’t like staying in one place.

So sorry, Chris. Didn’t mean to hurt your feelings there. But I was just trying to defend myself from being hurt. :D

That’s sweet! It’s always nice to see siblings that are close! Reminds me of how me and my older brother John used to argue all the time as children, one day my dad told us that we would end up being best friends. Oh, how we got so pissed at that! But he was right.

What was my favorite subject in high school? Is that really ALL you got, Chris!? COME ON! It was Art. BUT STILL! WEAAAKKKK!!

Now, here’s my awesome, very cool, waybetterthanyours, question: If you could choose one animal (Real or unreal) to be for the day, what would you choose and why?

Later Vader.

P.S. No one wants to see my wrath when I am upset.

P.P.S.

No, it’s fine, Chris. I’ve been dealing with my anxiety long enough to know how to calm down these small panic attacks. Yet, there is still sometimes I don’t know how to control it.

I’ve only spoken to this about my therapist, of course, and a couple of my best friends. Irene (who’s also my roommate), Andrea, and Destiny. They’ve been my friends for years, the only people I trust with personal things like this.

I can’t wrap my head around it either, Chris. I really can’t. I’ve tried over and over but I can’t understand it. I wouldn’t do such a thing to my own children. Ugh, they’re not even existent yet and I already know that I want to be the best mother I ever can be for them! When I said guilt for her mistakes I meant, alright when I was a baby there were these rumors that I wasn’t my fathers’ kid.

My father shut down the rumors by lying about getting a DNA test, he didn’t believe the rumors because he thought that my mother wouldn’t do such a thing to him. Fast forward to twenty-one years later, my dad, my brother John and I decided to do this Ancestry test and well when the results came back, my dad and I didn’t have any matches to each other, meaning that we weren’t related. I spoke to my father about it and he suggested a paternity test just to be sure. Those results came back negative. I haven’t spoken to my mother since, especially since when we confronted her, she denied everything. When we provided proof, she said that the DNA test was lying.

That should answer your question about my dad’s son from his first marriage. But my dad, he gave us the best childhood ever. He didn’t have one as a kid, so my dad made sure we got to do all the things he couldn’t do as a child. I loved my childhood. I remember there were times he would be tired from work, but he would still play “nurse” with me, he played a stubborn patient though.

As for me and my stepmother, we get along better now. I guess she just didn’t like sharing my dad. I don’t know. I don’t feel bothered by it anymore.

Ask all the questions you want, Chris and thank you. It means a lot to hear that, especially from someone who doesn’t know me that much, let alone someone I haven’t even met.

Chris stared at the papers on his hand, he couldn’t believe what Julie just told him. How could a mother deny something like that when there is just proof right in front of her? Chris just wanted to hug Julie and let her know that everything was alright. Yet he couldn’t do that. Not yet, anyway.

So, this one is short and it sucked. Anyway, let me know what you guys think! Love getting all this feedback from you guys!

Also, REQUESTS for imagines and one shots are open! I’ve been wanting to do a Sebastian Stan imagine just haven’t had any ideas so if you have any and would like me to write it, let me know! Don’t be shy!

Taglist is open!

Taglist: @kelbabyblue @cocomel0613 @thejemersoninferno

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relaxandlaughatyourself · 6 years

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Recap of Ika’s IG Live March 8, 2019.

It’s been too long! They were very lovey and touchy, laughing a lot (when Dem wasn’t sleeping lol). They seemed truly happy. You saw every side of Ika in this live, the petty, the funny, the sweet.

She says that she wants to be able to be busy and still stay connected but it’s hard. Youtube takes a lot of time and they haven’t had it. She’s wanted to do a live when getting ready but she knows she gets distracted so she didn’t.

Was supposed to go to a dinner/event but got home too late.

Someone asks Dem how his birthday was and they both say he had a good birthday. Dem then kisses Ika’s shoulder.

She’s loving the new season of BB, she wasn’t sure before but she thinks they’re there to play and they’re messy. Dem: “Messy, desperate people.”

Ika raves about Afia’s makeup. She had a bunch of people in her DMs asking what she got done.

Ika: “They’re asking if we’re doing a youtube video for tomorrow.” Dem: “Tomorrow?!” Ika says this is her first time being home and sitting down. She feels like going out and dancing. Dem says they’re going out tomorrow but Ika says there’s a game tomorrow, but Dem says they can go out after.

Talks about Laura, she didn’t conform or be fake at all, and you have to do that to stay around sometimes.

Opinion on Kailyn’s age she decided to say she was. She’s silent… “that’s what I think. Black don’t crack but it does chip.” She was trying to send mental signals to her to have her say 33.

“Dem is not participating! He is laying down in the corner.” He’s really tired.

She loves that production is so messy.

She wanted Cory to go into the house, she showed up in the interview and was energetic and more fun.

“Do I like cats? No.” Someone asks if Dem likes cats and he says no too.

Ika knows she likes Dane still and wants to continue liking him.

Damien doesn’t give a good first impression, he was one of her least favorite people, and she’s surprised the guys didn’t take him in, but he comes off too cool. But she’s here for it. She wants him to form his own alliance and go on his own.

They’re gonna start posting on youtube again, it’s in response to a question.

What do you think of Adam? Not her favorite but likes watching him.

She shows us Dem sleeping… “who was I talking about? I forgot because you guys were talking about Dem.”

She hasn’t found the person she’s going to stick with for the entire season.

CBB ideal cast? Tiffany. Evelyn Lozada. Jussie Smollett. Jordyn Woods. “I want messy.”

She screamed when Evelyn followed her, she was with Dem but he wasn’t as excited so she called her friend.

“He can just lay there and fall asleep. It’s so annoying and frustrating. You might hear him snoring.”

“If you take a closer look at his hand you can see he still wears the bracelet, my hair band around his wrist. He never takes it off, two years later and he never takes it off. Even when he’s mad at me.”

She wakes him up a bit, but just stares at him. “Honey? I don’t want to be too loud.” She keeps looking back at him and laughing too.

Who does she think should win? It’s too hard to say. She doesn’t want Estefania and girls like that to not do anything all season.

She takes us to the bathroom to show us new makeup.

“I do need to grab some wine.” She goes to drip wine on Dem’s face but he woke up. Dem: “The Greek gods were looking out for me.” Dem tells her not to open the wine.

Dem asks if she’s going to his hockey game tonight and she says yes, she wants to watch him play.

Ika: “Honey, you can get some rest, I won’t bother you again.” Dem: “I don’t believe you.”

She will prank Dem back, but not sure she’ll be able to record it for youtube, she’s not good like that but will IG story it. She wants to do things while he’s sleeping. Dem: “Your little threat is not going to make me lose any sleep.”

Ika: “Honey, where are the wine glasses? Did you hide them so I can’t have any?”

Dem came for her today and said she’s messy, and she said Beyonce is messy so she can be too. He said when she starts bringing home coins like Beyonce she can be messy.

She feels bad that they haven’t posted youtube videos. She feels as though they’re so much funnier off youtube. They tried filming yesterday and it was so busy and crazy. Youtube is also hard.

In your opinion who is the best player in bbcan history? Ika: “Me.” Dem: “I thought you thought it was me?! I thought it was you and you thought it was me. I guess we both think it’s you.”

They think doing a video on ancestry DNA tests would be cool. They show their youtube setup in the corner.

Favorite moment on bbcan? Dem: “Spinning on that wheel with you.” Ika: “I was testing you to see if it would change because you always say that.” Ika: “What was my favorite moment?” Dem: “Meeting me?” Ika: “Yes, it was meeting you.”

They filmed a video but they were missing a part of it, it was good though. They miss the chapstick video.

“Let’s just give my boyfriend a big shoutout. He’s been so supportive and so nice. And he’s a realtor in Toronto and they’re busy and stressed, but he tries to come with me wherever I go to support me and make me feel comfortable. Thank you, honey bunches. I’m still pranking you though.”

Dem: “That’s why I let you drink the wine, the compliments keep coming out.”

Dem has hockey tonight and wants to make sure his athletic abilities don’t deteriorate. Dem: “I want to age like wine.” Ika: “I don’t want you to age like wine.” Dem: “Is that why you hide your lotion?” Today Dem knocked over her super c and broke it. Ika was upset, it’s expensive and she loves it, she tried to hide it. He felt so bad and says that he’ll buy it for her, she says he doesn’t have to.

Dem: “I never used to put lotion on.” Ika: “You can continue that.”

Dem takes her wine to have a sip, she filled it way up, Ika: “you only let me have one glass so I fill it all the way up.”

Someone asks if she likes being wrapped up in Dem’s big arms. Ika: “Demetres’ body temperature is so hot, I can handle it for about five minutes and then I’m like let me go.”

Ika says hse doesn’t mind him snoring when she likes him, when she’s mad at him she wants to beat him in his sleep. They both laugh. She says there’s a couple things he does that she doesn’t like, but when she likes him she likes almost everything.

She says she needs to check her emails, there are probably a lot of opportunities in there.

She says that if her phone signal stays up, she’ll show us Dem on the ice.

Ika says she doesn’t love the taste of wine but it gives her a nice buzz. Dem: “She didn’t like wine until she met me.”

Someone asks who Ika would be friends with of this cast. She says she usually doesn’t try to befriend them, if it works out to connect it will. She does like Erica and have hung out with her and Chey before and they like them a lot. They talk to Cass. Karen is a given, they talk almost every day. They love Gary. Dallas and Dem are very close, go out all the time. She talks to Kenny and Sarah, Sabrina sometimes. They love Merron, consider him a friend. They like Andrew. She’s good friends with Zakiyah, they talk about everything, like a little sister. Even if she doesn’t talk to people it’s not that she doesn’t like them, it’s just that they don’t talk. Topaz lives in Miami now, Dem: “life happens.” Dem: “I am the only one that matters.” Ika: “I also talk to this guy. His name is Demetres.”

Ika says that she is happy with her relationship with Dem, if anything fades, like ET Canada, she would still be happy with her life, with Dem, with her kids, and that’s all that matters. “I came on the show, I met someone, and I got this opportunity, an extension of that experience, so it was great.” She says if someone comes on bbcan and gets those opportunities that would be great. She doesn’t feel entitled. Ika: “You need to be happy in other parts of your life, so if it’s gone you’re not depressed and dying. Right, honey bunches.” Dem: “If someone takes your spot I’m slashing their tires.” They laugh and joke.

Ika: “Demetres has been there for every single thing I’ve done. He just wasn’t there for the Canadian season (he says he wasn’t allowed), and I kept looking over because he gives me little signs. He’s so supportive and helpful. I know you think he only eats the fruit baskets, but he does a lot more than that. And sometimes I’ll do interviews and ask questions and he will give her advice and say what to say. These interviews were… if I do anything again, I’m going to be like ‘listen, he has to be there.’” Dem says today was good, it was cool.

Ika runs her hands through his hair, says it’s soft, he says there’s no gel.

Ika says there’s a huge difference interviewing the Americans vs the Canadians. Dem says he can tell, he says the Americans are easy to read, he can tell how they’re going to be. Ika agrees, they will give you more of who they are, the Canadians are so controlled with their answers, Dem says they have a guard up. Dem says it’s more stock answers, they don’t give much actual information. He says the Americans almost act as though they’re still trying to get on the show.

She says she thinks she saw her niece in the live. The live ends, she says she’s going to watch TV with Dem. Ika: “Honey bunches, say bye.” They wish him luck on the game. Dem says he’s not convinced she’s going to go, and she says she isn’t either. He says she’ll prob be the only person watching.

#ig live

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thoughtsfromparis · 8 years

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Allison (But Not Allison This Time) and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Your Best Friend

To be fair, Allison tried on this one.

She wrote me a few days ago asking to bow out of this specific edition. Allison had just taken on two new clients and was now travelling a good chunk of the time. She kept attempting to write this piece but wasn’t happy with it. (After reading her drafts, I concur) Then she did that thing that all weirdos like her and I do – we go all or nothing. In a frazzled state she said, “I can’t commit to this any longer!” She was having a moment. I told her to have her moment, and that I’d handle this one. She’ll come back in the next one. She’s just a spaz.

Here’s what I wrote announcing Allison’s temporary departure.

In visiting Allison last week in her native Ronkonkoma, we (D.J. and Allison) ate fondue at a local juke joint. Allison’s nerves got the better of her and she drank an entire fifth of white zinfandel during the appetizer course. We were asked to leave as Allison became belligerent when she suspected the waitress of ‘giving me a look probably because she’s jealous of my legs.’ Allison, too intoxicated to drive, left her 2015 Honda Accord in the parking lot and we shared a Lyft back to her flat. Thankfully her roommates slept through Allison crashing into every piece of furniture on the way to her master bedroom. She passed out face first onto her duvet and I did the same next to her. In the morning, for a lark I told Allison that I had enjoyed our vigorous lovemaking, but that she should get tested in the coming weeks. She exploded with violent rage and accused me of sexual misconduct, but before I could explain the joke, I found myself outside her condo – door slammed in my face. She still has my iPhone charger, and I don’t dare ask her to mail it back. She’s pretty peeved about the whole thing, even though all I really did was peek through her underwear drawer for a few seconds whilst she snored. I’m going to give it a few weeks before I ask for her to write the column, and I suspect her self-esteem is low enough to consider partnering again.

None of this is true, of course. I’ve never met Allison Arnone in person. I’m not 100% certain she exists. But I’m excited to keep doing this stupid column about your stupid problems. Enjoy.

My best friend and I live four hours apart, so we don’t get to see each other in person very often. We’re also both very busy with kids and family, so phone calls are once a month and very long — on her end. I hardly get to speak. She drones on and on about people I don’t know, complains about her mother, and tries to sell me products from all four of her different independent consultant/representative businesses, from beauty to nutrition to candles to teas — all the while knowing I’m living paycheck to paycheck. Every time I get off the phone, my blood pressure has risen. I love this woman dearly. We’ve been through a lot together, but I can’t seem to even squeeze in an interesting or amusing comment or two. Help.

D.J. – Okay, time for some tough love. It’s you, not her. That’s the bad news. She’s a selfish narcissist with an agenda. Nothing unique there. Tons of people like that roaming around. But… you’re the one who chooses to be friends with a selfish narcissist with an agenda. Here’s the solution – learn how to set boundaries. Work on your own self-esteem and guess what? These people either get in line or disappear. Because a truly healthy person doesn’t attract friends like that. Since I’ve been a tad rough on you, I’m going to end with some good news. She’s unconscious of her own nuttiness. You have the chance to change. She never will. So – change, ding dong!

She watches NON STOP IDIOT (FOX) NEWS. Need I say more? Okay, I will. She quotes idiotic, untrue, totally delusional political factoids at me. I keep saying, WE CANNOT TALK POLITICS. But she continues. I want to stab her in the eye with a fork. Should I?

D.J. – I’ve been listening to Donald Trump a lot recently in speeches and stuff, and he says FOX news is the best news source. And he’s the president! And there’s no way I’m smarter than the president. I barely made it through correspondence school! Plus, he is a big shot developer and hosted a TV show. That’s kind of badass, right? WE SHOULD OBEY OUR LEADERS.

Some like to think that their lover is their best friend. I thought so, at least. We did nearly everything together. I got my best friend a job at a restaurant. I drove her to and from work everyday and night, when she didn’t drive my car herself. She introduced me to a guy “friend” from work…”you’ll really like him” she said. One day she called me and said “hey, come meet me and Vinny at the bar I want you to meet him.” Surely, I agreed. He shook my hand, bought me a beer, and then a few days later proceeded to fuck my girlfriend. I kicked her out of my house the evening that I found out. Since then she’s keyed my car, threatened me, had men threaten me, try to call me for a shoulder to cry on after other men have dumped her…needless to say I’ve blocked her on all social media (she got so bad I had to block her on PINTEREST!) as well as her phone number…she still calls me to this day. She cheated on me after a year of being “best friends” in September of 2016. The end. Thank god.

D.J. – From what I understand, you’re a lesbian who lost her best friend and lover to a greasy Italian dude. Look, this is what greasy Italians do – they turn lesbians straight. It’s in their DNA. Just ask Allison. While she was never a girl-lover, she ONLY dates guys from Long Island with IROC Camaros (aka Italians). They’re hard to resist, from what I’ve read. So while I can justify your friend’s affair, I cannot condone her keying your car. You should hit back by throwing a bucket of red paint all over Vinny’s leather sport coat

Nothing to add. The image is way funnier than anything I could ever write.

She wants to be in a relationship, but does nothing to put herself out there in the dating world

D.J. – We’ve been poisoned by romantic comedies that suggest that Mr. Right just falls into your life, like when he’s seated next to you at a baseball game and he reaches for a foul ball and trips and ends up in your lap and then you fall in love but his best friend is kind of a jerk and he grabs your ass at a happy hour and you have to decide whether to tell him and you do and it strains his relationship and his friend lies and said you grabbed HIS butt and then he dumps you and then he finds out his friend was lying and to win you back he convinces the guy who runs the scoreboard at the stadium to video him apologizing to you in front of 45k fans. I guess what I’m saying is – tell her to hang out at the ballpark!

My brother publishes stories about my dad’s penis.

D.J. – I did publish a pair of stories about my dad’s pair, and I’m assuming this question came from my sister. To which I say this to her – You are free to write anecdotes on your blog about mom’s vagina. It’s a solid formula to drive web traffic. And we’re both in marketing, so we’re used to selling our souls.

Allison – When I saw this question and realized it had to be from D.J.’s sister, I laughed and told him we’re including this submission in the post. I then felt bad for her because I realized she had to be related to D.J., and that just sucks.

I love my BFF, but she has the BIGGEST mouth. I want to confide in her and tell her personal things about myself, my family, my love life (or lack thereof) and other friends and it ALWAYS comes out that she’s told other people what I said. We’ve known each other a long time and she’s great, but how can I get her to keep her trap shut??

D.J. – Short answer is that you can’t. She’s going to blabber forever. So, if you’re harboring a terrorist sleeper cell in your neighborhood, you may want to keep that information to yourself. No wait – I’ve got it! TELL HER YOU’RE HARBORING A TERRORIST CELL. She’s blab to Betty, who in turn will blab to Sally, and before you know it, the FBI will be knocking at your door. But, hey – you’re not a terrorist, so no big deal, right? Then, guess whose door they’re hitting next? Your best friend. She’ll likely be put away on a felony charge of something or other. Then when she gets out of jail a few years later, odds are she’ll shut up about your secrets going forward.

She uses my jokes on social media, then doesn’t credit me. Then when I use my own joke, I’m accused of stealing from her.

D.J. – Here’s what you have to realize – 99% of people aren’t funny. But everyone thinks they’re funny. If you’re running around quoting one liners from Will Ferrell movies, you’re not funny. Don’t confuse memorization with humor writing. I was dating a woman last year who was wonderful in every way – and perhaps her most endearing quality is she would say, “I’m not funny.” And she never tried to make a joke. I loved that self-awareness and acceptance. That being said, I had to dump her. I can’t be with an unfunny person. Wait, I feel like I’ve made this all about me. Oh well. You’re on your own!