#YALL R DOING WHAT IRL CANT OR WONT

[grabby-smitten]

Now this is one of the reasons why there’s so much smut/porn written by women for women with male characters.

[snekxyy]

*Pinned post...will change something if ever needed 😭*

(I think it was needed to be done )

Names you can call me: noodle, snekxy, kizzu, raccoon or bleeeh (yee, people call me these shits & also noodle is my usernake on insta so yee 🫶🏻💙)

Irl name will be shared only with hella close frens !!!!

Im a 18 y.o fucker (bday is on 10 january just to be clear) (female but can go by any pronouns, i honestly dont care about that 😭😭😭) im romanian so i aint too perfect when it comes to other languages 😨

Im a goddamn artist, can draw multiple things

Fandoms im in (but not really when it comes to some)

SONIC 2nd main fandom (doing just 🌽 art)

Furry (art only)

WHB 1st main fandom (doing both art & writing)

obey me (both art & writing 💙)

MK (oc art & oc x canon fc art)

Honkai star rail & genshin impact (art & writing MAYBE)

Twisted wonderland ( art & writing MAYBE )

Any other shit ? Idk just ask, i got a short ass memory 😭😭😭 who knows if we got anything in common and might become frens 👀

*i dont bite, i like talking witb people 😭💙 its nice having nee moots from other fandoms other than the sonic & mk fandom 💀*

Art requests & other stuff

Requests : S U R E, depending on what you want drawn i wouldnt mind to do so 😭 (im not too great with humans so u might end up with some shit)

Comms: (i only do 🌽 comms )

Trades: YES PLIS, Its a great opportunity for me to make frens 😭💙💙💙

Nsfw: ONLY IF UR 18 OR OLDERRRRRR

Normal shit: Y E S

Writing stuff:

Requests: I CAN TRY !!!! Im starting learning how to write cute shit these days 😭💙

I used to do poetry & small stories at some point when i was younger but gave up for art and now i feel cringe about it 🥹

I WONT DO NSFW STUFF UNLESS ITS JUST HEADCANNONS, TALKING ABOUT IDEAS OTHER HAVE OR SMALL OPINIONS OF MINE !!!

Will let yall know in the future when imma change it 🥹💙💙💙

Suggestions: will listen to anon requests at any time of the day !!! I cant promise that ill do them but i can try 😭💙

IF YOU DONT WANT ANYONE TO SEE THE REQUESTS YOU CAN ALSO LEAVE THEM IN DMS !!!!! I REALLY DONT MIND IT 💙💙💙

Shit i wont write about: nsfw orias or glas and MAYBE naberius stuff (im sorry but i feel uncomfy doing anyhing about him when it comes to these 3) but i wouldnt mind doing fluffy romantic shit with glas & naberius (i wont do shit with orias since he looks like a child and all i can say is EWW same shit applies to luke !!! Except that OM!Luke is really a child and instead of writing friendly stuff or draw him i wont do anything 😭😭😭😭

Weird ass kinks (will let yall know in the future since rn i really cant think about anything 😭)

This is pretty much it, im sorry for making this so long...i tend to talk alot 🥹

Thanks to everyone who took their time to read all this shit 🫶🏻💙

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

[astrxealis]

anyways under the cut i will ramble abt sandalphon and i (+ etc) bcs i kind of cannot get him out of mind again

i saw a sandalphon edit some time ago and there was a quote related to stars and another "you're not alone" !! and OKAY HEROEHDK I KIND OF REALLY associate myself w stars. i really really love starsurhejd and its just like oh sandalphon w stars haha he looks up at them at night and is remindwd of me maybe? (also like w luci bcs. morning star. sobs) AJSHWHWJSJ AND THEN ... youre not alone is one of the biggest themes in ff endwalker so that just HIT ME LIKE A BULLETTRAIN JFCJDHSJ YOU CANT DO THIS SO MY HEART HELP HELLOW WHY

and then okay theres official art of sandalphon and the other angels wearing glasses? the one for sandalphon is more brown than mine but ours r around the same ... the look so similar ... haha matching couple glasses so true (mine r more peach/pink tho rirhwifhedjj) that drives me sigekebdkejd

i want to go on coffee shop and cafe and tea dates w sandalphon so bad !! i also have many brainrots abt him embracing me w his wings :]

ALSO ITS RLLY UNFAIR BCS THEMES W ANGELS ARE LOTERALLY ONE OF MY FAVES ... like w shb and then wmtsb and GODUSHSUSJS MY HEART !!

also thinking abt how hurt sandalphon wld be riehdisndksj w how im acting in ebg rn GODDAMN HRUT i blame my twin for this lune ihysm /nm JDHSJDBAKSJ I DONT WANT TO BREAK HIS HEART ANYMORE ... ESP W HIS PAST AND YK WHAT HAPPENS IN THE 1ST SIDE STORY YEAH ?? he just wants acknowledgment and love and all that and me ignoring him GDODOSJSKJWKSKAKS O DON THWATNT TO DO HRTA ANYMORE

but in a lighter note ive also been vv affectionate to my pichu stuffed toy lately !! p cute if sandy was jealous over a lil yellow baby LOLFIRHWIDJWKWH HELP AS YOU CAN SEE i also have kind of similar brainrots w xiao too ngl bcs damn yall giving me fluff and angst yo yes 🥹🥹🥹

my biggest enemy and sabotage tbh is the fact i think and talk a lot bcs my FIRST STRIKE WAS JUST ME MAKING FUNNT CONVO AND THEN SLIPPING i wont be surprised if my 3rd strike is wholly on accident tbh.

i want to nuzzle sandalphon yk ... we both actually have catlike tendencies eiehwihdiwbd IDBSKS i want to boop his nose w mine really badly actually. and also hug him. hed be very nice to hug

AND ALSO ... i fee as thoufh hes not actually that much taller than me (dimitri is tall though. i feel like xiao is around mt height too. diluc tall tho. uhhh g'raha is actually shorter than irl me canonically so...) ODHSKDNS BUT IT DOESNT RLLY SEEM LIKE THAT WAY BCS HE ACTUALLY WEARS HEELS LIKE YES sandlaphon is genuinely the guy you would call babygirl. raha is literally the epitome of lil meow meow and tbh sandy is also a lil meow meow but for me hes the epitome of babygirl. WIFE malewife Odhwiqhswiwj ALSO VANE IS CNAONICALLY TECHNICALLT A MALEWIFE HELLO WHAT hes the mom of the dragon knights ITS UNFAIR BCS HES ALSO TECHNICALLY A HIMBO W BIGG ASS FUCK BOOBAS LIKE WHAT THE EHCK YOURE SO PRECIOUS AND CUTE BUT THEN YORIE SO BIG /SFW

tbh this isnt even just abt sandy n i anymore just me rambling a lot HAHSUAHAJAJ

AND THENNNDISDHJ BELIAL OH MY GODDDDIEHEIWHWJSJSJJSKS I CANT STOPPPOehwj

i think abt belial calling me by some SCANDALOUS NICKNAME /lh nah nothinf vv scandalous dw just stuff like pretty girl ... then he realizes i am also in fact weak as well to pretty boy ...

i want belial to invade my personal space but like obvs i wld allow him too tho ???? if that makes sense dw this isnt forced or anythinf or /neg this is vv much /pos i want belial to put a finger under my chin and lift me up. teasing me for a kiss that i just want rllt badly but first i have to tell him that i love him and aRGEGDHSHDJ I HATE HIS GUYS SO MUCH

okay ill stop rambling here for now help ive taken up almost half an hour of my simp pass alrdy IDHWIDBS

[stew-chan]

Tagged by @genderfluidintake (I saw this this morning but forgot about it til like midnight lol)

1ST RULE: Tag people you would like to know better

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true

APPEARANCE:

I am 5'7" or taller (5′6 club )

I wear glasses

I have at least one tattoo (i wanna get em one day but im scared ;-;)

I have at least one piercing (same as above + and cant use at work)

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair (compared to a lot of girls but almost a personal record)

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or have had braces (they sucked and my teeth r still meh)

PERSONALITY:

I love meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny (monotone +dry humor is good apparently)

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it (lowkey, highkey, my dude, my guy)

There is something I would change about my personality (still need to stop at the personality store and buy one ive been procrastinating )

ABILITY:

I can sing well

I can play an instrument

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (30 is my limit lol)

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well

I have a good memory

I’m good at doing math in my head

I can hold my breath underwater for over  a minute

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch (im a cook at work)

I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else (was in xc somehow)

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

FANDOMS ARE MY #1 PASSION

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss

I have had alcohol (stuff sucks i feel cheated :v )

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting

I have been at an overnight event (senior lock-in!)

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts (ive seen red 3 times but i havent listened to them in a while >.>)

RELATIONSHIPS:

I have a crush on a celebrity

I have a crush on someone I know (lowkey crush on everyone honestly)

I have been in at least 3 relationships

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them (pls dont assume im a top it was one of those they wouldnt do it so i had to things)

I get crushes easily (online, literally never irl )

I have had a crush on someone for over a year

I have been in a relationship for at least a year

I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close to my school

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling

I live in the United States

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend in the past month ( ;u; )

I have a smartphone

I have at least 15 CDs (do blanks/burned ones count? )

I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT:

I have break danced

I know a person named Jamie

I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce

I have dyed my hair (i want to! but highschool wouldnt and work wont let me)

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now

I have punched someone in the past week

I know someone who has gone to jail

I have broken a bone

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do with my life

I speak at least 2 languages

I have made a new friend in the past year (i really only talk to 3 people but i think of all yall as friends ;u; )

I tag @g0thric @sacred-oath @chleborzoi @vozella @rubinsammler and anyone else that wants too!

[noecat]

88 qn tag meme

thank u 2 the lovely @jiminieboi for tag!!

holy shit this was long,,listen i tag no one but my wife @wingjk bc im literally too lazy to breathe rn

the last:

1. DRINK: passionfruit red tea. it was too sweet i wish i’d gone w green but that’s too sour,,,,honestly a representation of my personality as a whole

2. PHONE CALL: school friend who was wondering where i was

3. TEXT MESSAGE: if messenger counts, @wingjk bc i was going to sleep

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: come back home by bts

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: i don’t recall!! perhaps a couple weeks ago?

have you:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: don’t call me out like this

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: not really? i dont regret many things

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: ha

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yes

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: listen

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: i don’t get drunk

top 3 favorite colors

12. black

13. pink

14. in your area

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yes and i love them

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE:  L I S T E N

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: rarely, but yes!!

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: yall. assholes. love to gossip. and i love finding out about it so it’s a mutually beneficial thing

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: doesn’t everyone change me to some degree?? yes, though i do think a lot of the char dev ive undergone was internally motivated and not bc of a specific person,,,i just want to treat people better.

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: yes and i Love Them

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: ppft no who the fuck even facebooks in the year 2k17,,,tho,, @wingjk​ hmu ;(

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: none

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a kitten !! listen he’s an asshole but i love him

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: as in legally?? i wish!! hopefully soon

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: ha ha dont talk to me

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: i overslept today bc my sleeping schedule is,,,,,very good,,,,,,,,,,,

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: readin fanfic rip

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: hobi. wheres. ur. mixtape. where. also MY BDAY IS IN LESS THAN A MONTH !!! LOVE ME !!!!!!

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: uhm yesterday

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: listen,

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: the sweet sound of everyone being loud as fuc

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: i dont think so ??

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: people breathing around me

lost questions

34. MOLE(S): ya

35. MARK(S): scars ?? i fell into a ditch once and i still have the scars from that,,also depression isnt ideal

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: to be a lawyer

37. HAIR COLOR: brown but im gna bleach it someday

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR:  short-ish

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: not romantically but i am currently interested in someone, yeees

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: sometimes the planets alighn just right and i say something quotable that im proud of

41. PIERCINGS: that havent healed completely already ? 2, in my ears

42. BLOODTYPE: red

43. NICKNAME(S): q, ‘that asshole’, kyu

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: not looking

45. ZODIAC: leo

46. PRONOUNS: im agender. i strongly prefer it/its for Reasons but some of yall fucks take offense bc ‘but u are not an object!!’ and like. listen. if u think that using ‘they/them’, which i do not want to be called, is somehow more respectful to my identity ???  ? ?  ? i dont rly have much to say. in spaces where people are less tolerant and presentation overrides id, i go by she/hers.

47. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: i dont watch them anymore but ill always have a special spot in my heart for hannibal and my earliest experiences w bbc sherlock (ahahah can u believe i used to be a sh blog tho)

48. TATTOOS: not yet!! i want to get mine right the first time

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: technically ambidextrous but ive been using my right hand for so long (bc u dont rly realize how inconvenient literally everything is w left hand until u try it skdfjgfg) that it’s now my dominant one

50. SURGERY: yes, but minor

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: nop but ive shaved it all off once

52. SPORT: used to sail, used to kayak, now i possess no skills. i actually ish i did have a sport i play regularly, but, i am a Lazy Fuck,

53. VACATION: aksdjfd i dont rmbr !! i travelled a lot when i was young. now we just go to neighboring countries over breaks sometimes.

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: not converse low, that’s 4 sure

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: nothing, but hopefully about to

56. DRINKING: nothing, but hopefully about to

57. I’M ABOUT TO: eat, drink, go home

58. WAITING FOR: senpai to answer my anon ask. senpai pls. senpai im dying here i only get wifi sporadically for like 10 min at a time senpai plsease

59. WANT:  see hoseok irl someday, to not fail my year end exams, to have a good future after this. if we’re going wildly unrealistic, give me financial stability and the power to play piano proficiently.

60. GET MARRIED: honestly i think this would depend on where i am in life, where my partner(s) is/are in life, and what we want out of our relationship (plus, my generation supposedly killed marriage, so)

61. CAREER: listen i used to want to be a lawyer real bad before i grew up and realized im a fuckign depressed idiot who cant do shit so now im just hoping for some kind of stable job that i wont hate,,,,,,i lean towards the social sciences, and they’re what im best at, but my fucking dumb ass is currenly taking natural sciences instead because ????? no fuckin clue, past me, what the fuck,

62. HUGS OR KISSES: i dont like hugs much, so kisses. though i do like to cuddle ??? i think ??? theoretically ???? normally i just dont let ppl touch me

63. LIPS OR EYES: lips

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: couldn’t care less but theres smth hot abt someone being taller than me (unrelated news kuroo is 187cm holy shit fuck T O W E R O V E R M E)

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: as in ?? romantically ?? to be friends with ?? if it’s the former, almost definitely older. for the latter, i prefer older, but personality matters more than age does.

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: dont care. tho if u have arms that could snap my neck, 

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: as in me ?? listen im both. im both. but if we’re talking partners, i imagine kuroo is plenty loud, so that,

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: listen i dont care as long as it’s enjoyable and mutually beneficial

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: hm

have your ever:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: nop

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nop

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yes, but found them

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: ya!!

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nop

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: not intentionally ??

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: : l i s t e n

77. BEEN ARRESTED: nop im a good upstanding citizen

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: as in irl ?? i dont think so

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: hm, no, i,

do you believe in:

80. YOURSELF:  ya im great. im a piece of shit but *insert trash can not trash cannot meme*

81. MIRACLES: nah

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: nah

83. SANTA CLAUS: nah. attraction, maybe

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: do what u want !! 

85. ANGELS: @wingjk is one so i can confirm

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): van, iv, jess are u a best friend or am i reading u wrong, id say drea but she’s my soulmate, id say nastya but she’s my wife and will complain i friendzoned her

other

87. EYE COLOUR: greenish

88. FAVOURITE MOVIE: casino royale !!! also all the ghibli things were my childhood

[0n3-h4lv3]

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.