#XOUGHIGN UP BLOOD.OH MY GOD

[butchdykekondraki]

"i wish i didn't know you." as a complicated sentence. because that's not quite the exact of it - if that's a phrase people use. or maybe it is. for both of them, it would be objectively good - both of them have scars because of it. however - however. they can't just say that. no matter how much they've hated each other, no matter how much they want the other dead, they couldn't handle it. they would see the other in every single moment, their absence grating, grating, grating. the eerie silence. every expectation formed through years and years, memories stained upon eyelids, broken, twisted, soon forgotten but how could one ever forget the other? they hate it, but it takes less than a second to see how intertwined they are. killing one would be like killing the other. "i wish i didn't know you." as in i wish i didn't know just how despicable are. as in every time you smile i can taste a little bit of it on my tongue - what a life with you happy could be like. it's a lie, i know it is, every day you remind me just how impossible something like that could be, you show me the ugly truth. but every day, i see something in you, something that makes me think maybe you're worthwhile after all. i wish you were all good or all bad. i wish i didn't know you because you're a horrible person. i wish i didn't know you so you had never done anything to me. i wish i didn't know you so that i could believe in your goodness.

could there be something here? truly, for good? the thought chases me like any other words you've said to me, burrowing beneath my skin to stay there as if you want to make a home in my psyche, and if you do, well, you've succeeded. unfortunately. i wish i didn't know you so i could make you laugh without thinking about how that laugh has been corrupted before, by me. it's all like that blood spilled across my palms so many --- ago. because i can't unsee it. it haunts me, the idea of our happiness together haunts me, i hate it i hate it i hate it so much. so - i wish i didn't know you. it's not anything we can change. we're intertwined after all. stuck in the inbetween state between happiness and hatred once again, never quite one because of the other. anyway this has been me being sick abt fictional characters goodbye now

IM GOING TO DIE. WHAT THE FUCK MAN