#Written by SunnyScripts

[autisticempathydaemon]

[A4A] Accidentally Kidnapped by an Apologetic Mafia Boss

Tags: [Mistaken Identity] [Meet-Cute… of Sorts] [Librarian Listener]

Type: SFW

Tagline: Giacomo, who the hell is this?

Tone: affable, disarming and disarmed

Setting and SFX: abandoned warehouse; distant city noise

WC: 918, ~8 - 10 minutes

[Door, footsteps] (Muffled) Hey, you did it, G! How was your first and hopefully last nab and grab? They’re unharmed and in one piece, I see.

I gather from the cursing and yelling that you didn’t gag them before you put the bag over their head. God forbid we have to do this again, but if we do, we should invest in gags or some sort of knockout gas. Make a note of that.

Alright, alright, I get that this is very shocking for you, but I’d really appreciate it if you could calm down with the insults; criminals have feelings too. Believe me, I have nothing against you personally, and we’re going to try to make this as painless as-

[Cloth rustling, pause] You’re not the governor’s kid. (Aside) Giacomo, this is not the governor’s kid we were trying to ransom; who the fuck is this?

[Tapping on phone] (Direct) Excuse me just a second, doll. (Aside) This is the picture I showed you from last week’s newspaper. Look at it next to this civilian you’ve got tangled up in our business. They look nothing alike; how did you possibly mix them up?

Bud, what’s the point of us giving you a health plan including vision if you’re not going to use it? You’re taking the day and going to the optometrist, boss’s orders, before your nearsightedness gets you and me killed.

[Groan, deep breath] (Pensive) Alright. How are we going to take care of you…

No, we’re not going to kill you! I don’t know what sort of Godfather-esque, dark romance stuff you’ve been reading or watching, but organized crime is a fairly tidy process nowadays. Making people sleep with the fishes is costly and messy. Me and mine almost exclusively work in money laundering and counterfeiting.

(Abashed) This, admittedly, is a bit of a special case. See, our local governor, running for re-election based on his staunch, Christian family values?

(Fiery) Yes, the one with the ill-fitting suits. I’m always saying that; the man doesn’t know how to dress. You know what he does know how to do? Woo his way into sweet, unsuspecting women’s hearts and beds without telling them he’s married. Sweet unsuspecting women like my widowed Auntie Nina who thought she was getting a second chance at love and got nothing but an NDA and a frankly insulting amount of hush money.

I fucking know, right? So you see why this is a special case, why we had to make this personal and see how he likes people he loves not being treated like they deserve… or, rather, we tried to. Where did we go wrong there, by the way? (Aside) Giacomo, where were you that you managed to pick up a stray instead of doing your job?

That’s right, that schmuck had an event at the library: shaking hands, kissing babies, probably being a worse role model and reader than the drag queens he hates. I thought it was closed to the public; that’s why we planned the kidnapping then. (Direct) Are you on his campaign team, doll? Because I hate to break it to you, your boss is a fucking asshole.

(Aghast) You’re a librarian? (Aside) You kidnapped a librarian?

You are fucking killing me, man. What are you gonna do next- roll a nurse and kick us down to a lower circle of hellfire and brimstone? Do me a favor and go out and start the car, please, so we can try to get some good karma back.

[Door] Sorry about all this, let’s get you untied, out of this stinking warehouse, and back home.

Of course we’re going to take you home, doll, safe and sound. You’ve suffered enough because of me and my cousin out there, and keeping you quiet the old-fashioned way wouldn’t benefit us at all. Like I said, I like my crimes like I like my money: untraceable and unbloodied.

Hand to god. Besides, I’m a mobster, not a monster. Libraries are an important part of the community, and I appreciate people like you who keep them running as best as you can. I might even want to stop by and say hello if that’s alright with you.

Because I think you’re interesting. I’ll grant you, it’s partly cause I’d rather you not snitch to the feds but mostly because I’d like to see you again.

In the past two hours, you’ve had a sack thrown over your head, been manhandled into a van, strapped to a chair, and left to stew in fear in a cold, dank warehouse of god knows what. In those two hours, you haven’t lost your cool or nerve even once. You didn’t cry, beg, or scream. You cursed me out, called me words I won’t repeat in your polite company, and did a real number on my associate if him limping out of here is any indicator. I can’t say I meet someone like you often, even in my line of work.

[Laugh] You’re giving me, a seasoned criminal, terms and conditions?

Oh, I like you.

Alright, doll, I’ll bite; I’m invested. What must I do if I want to come see you at work?

No more illegal activities on library grounds, that’s a fair enough ask. What’s the second thing?

[Hearty, genuine laugh] Oh, it goes without saying that I’ll be the one driving you home. I love G, I do, but I wouldn’t trust him to navigate us out of a paper bag at this point.

Performances~!

(Performed by the lovely @mr-laveau~)

[autisticempathydaemon]

what if I lost my MIND what if I DIED what if I simply perished from the EXCITEMENT I love you so much

what if Rumpelstiltskin was a tricksy, scary lady? what if she approached you in a modern-day bar?

what if @autisticempathydaemon wrote-ed and goated the script?

it might sound like this:

[eobard-thawne]

@sunnyscript Replied to your post “IT’S THE FUCKING CW FLASH”

Help I'm like terrible at noticing stuff. How can you tell without checking his hair?

(Hiii, it's ok dw. Sorry this took so long I'm terrible at explaining stuff so I'm really sorry if this comes off cringey and like a powerpoint presentation asjdasksf)

The suit is not even anything Barry's ever worn before. This suit is a mix of Wally's (in the comics) and the CW's; Wally because it's a darker tone of red and it has white lens over the eyes which Wally is known for, as Barry have always preferred to show his eyes.

Like I said, I'm horrible at explaining stuff so I just put some images side by side for comparison. Barry in the comics never ever wore gloves like that. The lightning bolts over the ears are inwards in the CW show and in WFA comics, while in the main universe comics, the bolts in Barry's suit are always facing outwards. And Barry's suit has always been bright red but in WFA, it's clearly darker which resembles Wally's 90s suit and the CW version.

Like... there is literally no effort at all. I know WFA is just a sh*tty fanfiction written by a group of people who have never read comics in their lives before but a little effort, even it was for only 1-2 pages, would have been nice lol. 💀💀💀

[autisticempathydaemon]

[A4A] Your Mafia Boss [More Than a Friend] Makes You Lunch

Tags: [Dating] [Getting to Know Each Other] [Librarian Listener] [Part Three]

Type: SFW

Tagline: Any leftovers I take home will go straight to Giacomo, and he’s still in the dog house until you say so. This is all for you, doll.

Tone: familiar, relaxed, occasionally soft and vulnerable

Setting; SFX: outside courtyard; slight wind and possible birdsong

WC: 1178, ~11 - 12 minutes

Author's Notes: This is the third of a series; please refer to its predecessor for the full context and story!

[Laugh] (Mid-sentence) -and obviously, ten year olds don’t understand the technicalities of counterfeiting and crime. We just knew “hey, this is money, we have a lot of it, so no one will care if we take some to the arcade.” (Aside) I was a DDR kid. I loved the game, but she, that cruel mistress, did not love me. I needed practice. (On topic) So, G and I, we see a stack of fresh, crisp fives, and we just grab a few off the top not knowing those were the rejects from the printer.

[Laugh] Misprints. It looked like someone’s punk fanart of Abraham Lincoln, like someone gave him neck tattoos and blue hair except if an artist actually did that, it would have been still more believable than the money we tried to put in the token machine.

Oh, god, wouldn’t have that been amazing? No, they didn’t work, and they were so obviously fakes, they really considered calling the police on a couple of preteens if not for the fact I called our moms who convinced the owners we were the victims here- something about us selling our skateboards to a conman and not knowing any better.

You bet they bought it; my ma’s a great liar. It doesn’t hurt that G and I have known how to cry on cue since we could practically walk.

[Snap] In a heartbeat, especially when I have a whole summer of punishment memories to draw on. Because we took money without asking and almost blew the whole operation- (Aside) which, I have to be real with you, was the main reason we were in trouble- (On point), we had to spend the rest of the summer working in my uncle’s restaurant “learning to appreciate the value of money”.

[Laugh] Which is particularly ironic when any of us remember the restaurant was initially a laundering front. The only reason there’s real cooks and work to be done in the back of the house is because Ma doesn’t let things go half-assed. That place became the talk of the town one month under her thumb, and that’s where we spent hot weeks peeling lemons, chopping onions, kneading pasta, the like. That’s where I learned how to cook.

[Laugh] I’m glad you think my food’s good enough to go pro. That’s sweet, but that was never in the cards for me. Ma wanted to retire, and this is the sort of business you like to keep in the family. Besides, cooking becomes so much less exciting when you have to do it for money. (Playfully haunted) I still refuse to make tortellini after that summer.

No, no, this is tortlloni- much bigger, much less fussy, much more satisfying to eat. Tortellini is not so much a food as an exercise in torture.

(Flirtatious) If you’d like to try it, I’m sure I could be tempted or persuaded- bribed, perhaps.

(Drawn-out) Hmmm, what do I want?

[Pause] (Loaded, sotto voce) I’ll have to consider that. I’m sure I could figure something out.

[Pause, phone alarm, laugh] (Light) Well, I certainly don’t want you to be late, that’s for sure. I will not be responsible for you going missing yet again.

[Rustling] May I help you up?

[Footsteps] I can see why you like your job so much. This courtyard is a lovely place to eat and read and people watch. You know, I watched a little kid take their first steps the other day.

[Laugh] I work! I have my laptop. I leave after we have lunch. I work nights; I do more than cook and look at your pretty self.

I think about your aforementioned pretty self, of course… and educate myself on the finer points of art forgery, which is a new market I’m thinking of getting into- very interesting, lots of potential for international operations, networking, the like. I keep busy, believe me.

For you, doll? Never; I could make time in any and all of my nights for you.

(Surprised, pleased) Especially tonight, if you want.

Consider yourself penciled in the calendar for a date. Did you have anything planned in particular, or shall I pick? There’s a place or two I’ve been dying to take you, places that make food I’m not as good at.

Of course. I’ve been wanting to take you out for a proper date night since, well, since I laid my eyes on you if I’m being honest.

[Beat] (Caught, thoughtful) Because… I kidnapped you- on accident and by proxy but still- found you at the place you work, and implied I’d like you to not talk to the police while also flirting with you and bringing you lunch pretty much everyday for the past three weeks. If we were to take that next step, if I were to pursue you more seriously than I already was, I’d want it to be because you felt comfortable and safe enough to initiate more.

[Beat] (Abashed) And, while I’m being honest, I want to be sure you’re not afraid of me… that you like me.

[Pause, laugh] Oh god, do I really?

(Muffled as if covering face) How could you not tell me I’ve had frosting on my face this whole time?

(Mumbling) “Silly” they call me. A legion of hardened criminals at my beck and call, and they call me silly.

(Unmuffled, normal volume) Did I get it?

[Rustling] What about now?

Here?

(Tender, soft) Sure, please.

[Pause, maybe a hitched breath to imply the kissable tension] (Soft) Thank you.

[Phone ringing, laugh] (Whispered) Sorry.

[Pause, maybe humming to denote waiting for Doll to finish their call] (Abashed) I’ve made you late… again. The next time I make lunch, I’ll have to include something extra for your coworkers- cookies or something.

Correction- I don’t have to, but I’d like to. I should. The last thing I want now that I’ve finally got you to go out with me is to make your friends think badly of me. (Teasing) That is, if I can trust you to hoard the cookies to yourself.

[Laugh] I’ll see you tonight?

(Pleased) Good. I’ll come by and pick you up. Do you want to plan the night, or should I?

Hmm… do you like surprises?

Duly noted. Then, I was thinking something classic and traditional to offset our… I’d say untraditional meeting- dinner and a movie?

Good. I’ll send along the menu of a place I have in mind; let me know if it sounds good so I can call and make a reservation or pick another. We’ll pick the movie after?

I’ll be counting the minutes… and working! I’m going to hustle along that forger I was telling you about and get that meeting done; I’m not letting you call me a slacker again.

Oh, it’s no trouble, believe me, doll. I’m the boss, so if you say we’re going on a date tonight, I am going to make that happen and make it good.

[Pause, cheek kiss] (Sweet) Look forward to it; I know I am.

[autisticempathydaemon]

[A4A] Inside the Thoughts of Your Golden Retriever Partner

Tags: [Domestic] [Slice of Life] [Established Relationship] [Internal Monologue]

Type: SFW

Tagline: God, they’re gorgeous, gorgeous, sweet, hot as hell even after a day of work- oh my god, what did they say? I missed it.

Tone: familiar, affectionate, domestic

Setting; SFX: Home and the mind; none and a slight echo

WC: 1,127; ~10 - 12 minutes

Author's Notes: obvs inspired by Geordi and his cute self

[Footsteps, pause, keys jangling] (Internally, distracted, vaguely to the tune of BTS’s “Dynamite”) Cause I- I- I’m in the stars tonight/ so watch me bring the funk and the fire light/ buh buh buh buh little funk and soul/ buh buh buh buh dynamite-!

[Door opening] (Aloud, muffled) Baby, I’m hooooome! Are you home too?

[Footsteps] (Internally, rambling) My baby, my baby, my baby- (To the tune of Justin Bieber’s “Baby”) Baby, baby, baby, ohhh~!

[Fabric rustling of a hug] (Aloud, close) Hey, I missed you!

[Kiss] What’s for dinner? Do you need any help making it? It smells really good.

If you’re sure. Since nothing needs doing, can I stay here close to you? 

Awesome~ How was your day? Was it alright? I don’t think you were scheduled to beat me home. 

(Internally, affectionate) How do they smell so good after a whole day of work? What kind of bullshit is that? It’s a good thing we’re like this, me hugging them from behind because I probably smell like sweat and, like, traffic somehow. 

Should I go take a shower? 

Mm, but then I’ll get sleepy.

And then I’d have to stop hugging them. 

Do they want me to stop hugging them? 

[Pause] (Pleased) Nahh, they’ve got that little smile I like, they’re good. I love that little smile; it’s a shame I can’t really kiss them at this angle. Ooh, maybe they’ll shower with me later. Then I can kiss them in the shower-

Oh, they’re looking at me~

Oh god, they’re looking at me. They want to respond, and I was not fucking listening. Fuck. 

(Aloud, sheepish) What was that? 

I heard you. Listening, on the other hand…

How pretty you look, how warm and nice you feel, the usual. I’m sorry; rewind for me? 

(Internally, focused) Mhmm, commute. Mhmm, time sheets. Mhmm, capitalism. Hum thoughtfully. We are actively listening like a good partner. 

(Aloud) Oh, good! I’m glad you liked the lunch I made you! It traveled alright?

Cool. I thought I’d try out one of those foodie youtube channels I put on in the background while I work. Turns out they were trying to teach me things!

Yeah! I learned what a chiffonade is and re-learned where we keep the bandaids. 

Oh yeah, no, I’m not wearing this Star Wars bandaid for fashion; microplanes are evil. 

Aww, thank you, baby! That was so cute; you’re so cute. 

(Internally, giddy) Kiss, kiss, kiss, I got a kiss. I got kissed. Thank you, Darth Vader, for getting me a kiss. What can I do to get another kiss? 

(Aloud) Do you want me to finish dinner since you got home first and started it? You could sit and chill.

[Laugh] I can handle a stove and a pot, promise. 

I like the sound of that; deal~

(Internally) They make dinner, I make lunch. That sounds fun. I’ll have to find more YouTube channels to follow to get ideas and recipes. What should I make tomorrow? We have avocados in the fridge that are on their last legs, I think. I can do something with those. 

Damn, thinking about avocados made me hungry. I wonder when dinner will be ready; it looks good.

Not as good as them, ha. 

Their neck looks good. I kind of want to bite it. 

No, no biting while cooking, we’ve established this. Maybe a kiss instead.

[Kiss, pause, laugh] (Aloud) I love you too. 

(Internally) Love. I love them. I love them so, so much. I love them more every day. I will love them every day, all of my days. 

I should marry them. 

Is that weird?

Nahh, we’ve been together a while. We live together. We love each other. Who wouldn’t want to marry them? They’re perfect.

So perfect. Marriage-material perfect. 

(Panicked) Am I marriage-material perfect?

Oh god, I’d hope they want to marry me too. 

What if they don’t? What do I do? How do I become better? How-

(Aloud) Huh?

[Ahh sound, swallow, pleased hum] (Blissful) It’s perfect. Of course it’s perfect; you made it. 

Aw, that was nothing. Look forward to what I make you for lunch once we do a proper grocery run.

(Internally) They’d definitely want to marry me too. Then everyday would be like this with cooking and cuddling  and everything but with rings… and tax benefits! 

And a honeymoon! Where should we go? I’ve always wanted to take them on a cruise~

I should propose to them first. I should ask their best friend the best way to do that. And what kind of ring to get. 

Should I start working on my vows?

(Aloud) Hmm? What?

(Bashful) Am I?

I’m just smiling about stuff, about how good dinner looks and smells. Thank you, baby, for that.

(Playful) Well, what do you think I was thinking about then, nosy? Hmm? 

[Laugh] I’m not up to anything except loving you, silly. Scout’s honor.

Yeah, but I’m your cheeseball, and you like it.

Don’t you?

[Pause, kiss, laugh into kiss] Believe me, I am fully aware how lucky I am that I’m cute, and I count my blessings every day, you being one of them. 

The others are, in no particular order: your face, your eyes, your mouth, the things your mouth do-

[Laugh] (Jokingly whiny) Nooo, you can’t deprive me of dinner after I watched you make it! That’s torture!

I’ll do anything.

I can definitely manage plates and cutlery; you got it~

[Footsteps, clatter] (Internally) Plates, plates, 

plaaaates… let’s do the nice ones, the good dishes, the pretty stuff. 

Where did we get this? Thrift shopping?

Oh god, I hope these aren’t those radioactive, uranium plates. 

How would I find out if they are? A Geiger counter?

Where would I even get a Geiger counter?

Should I ask them? They would know; they’re so smart.

No- maybe don’t ask about how to detect radioactivity when plating their food. That would not go over well.

(Aloud) These ones good?

Rad- I’ll give you these then, and I’ll go get condiments and drinks. Wanna finish that bottle of wine in the fridge? 

Fuck yeah, I’ll get the stemware; we’ll live fancy. Want to watch Bridgerton while we eat, lean into the fancy vibes? 

Damn, you’re right, I forgot we're all caught up for now. Wanna watch one of my food channels with me? I’ve been getting really into Mythical Kitchen recently.

(Playfully defensive) …they make more than bile cheesecake and wasabi waffles. 

[Footsteps] (Fading out) Noooo, no take-backs! You said I could keep making you lunches, and I’m not going to make you anything gross! It’s all going to be good!

(Internally) Note to self, cancel that order for pickled pigs feet. I don’t think they’re ready for pig foot fajitas… yet.

[autisticempathydaemon]

[A4A] Your Goofy Partner Makes Thunderstorms Fun

Tags: [Comfort for fear of storms] [Established Relationship] [Silly] [Reassuring]

Type: SFW

Tagline: It’s not a dark and stormy night no more, baby; it’s a party.

Tone: silly, optimistic, bubbly

Setting; SFX: inside during a thunderstorm; faint thunder and rain

Word count: 1,176, ~10-12

Author's Notes: Lowkey, I was thinking of Lasko's comfort audio but give it to Asher, ya know?

[Rumbling of rain and distant thunder (maybe gets gradually louder/closer to build tension and denote fear which is then broken by the following), knocking at the door] (Muffled) Babyyyy! Hey, babe, are you still home? Are you there? I hope you are, cause otherwise I’m gonna look so nuts out here-

[Door opening] (Unmuffled) There you are, good! Can I come in? 

[Door closing, the storm lowers in volume and seems far now that you are here, fumbling with jacket and bags] (Rambling, breathless) I know you told me that you didn’t have anything to do today, but that was, like, four hours ago. I was hoping to get here before the rain, but I lost that race- obviously. 

[Laugh, kiss] How’re you, baby? How’re you holding up?

What do you mean? I’m here, because the forecast says thunderstorms tonight. 

Aaaand you told me last week you were really, really scared of them. I didn’t want you to be here and all scared alone, so here I am, locked and loaded with a thunderstorm funtimes bug-out bag. 

I know I didn’t have to do all that, silly; I wanted to. And I really didn’t come that far. You live, like, fifteen minutes away from me. 

It’s a good thing I didn’t drive in the rain for something “dumb” then. I drove in the rain for something legit and serious and important. Storms are loud and bright and shitty and totally reasonable to be afraid of- at least, just as reasonable as other, more common fears. Like, I’m afraid of clowns, babe. That shit makes no sense. 

It doesn’t make more sense though- that’s the thing! Like, I can probably count on one- maybe two hands how many people have died from clowns, and almost all of that is that one serial killer who gave clowns a bad name. Not to freak you out but the thing you’re scared of is so much more legit than mine which means it isn’t dumb. 

Yeah. Besides, I don’t care what you’re afraid of, you know? Babe, you could be afraid of, like… stars, like the stars in the sky, and I’m still coming over to support you and bring the best sources of light pollution a middle-class dude can buy. It doesn’t matter what‘s causing it; all that matters to me is that you’re scared and that I want to help.

Of course, sunshine. Anything for you.

[Kiss] Now that we settled all that, wanna get comfy on the floor and go through all the goodies I brought?

[Footsteps, thump of putting bags down] I know you’ve got a perfectly good couch to sit on, but this is not a couch sort of affair. This is a pillows, poles, blanket tent occasion, and I was a Scout. I know a thing or two about tents.

I figured a warm, kind of half-enclosed tent might be more cozy than just sitting in your living room. I thought helping put it together would take your mind off the storm and be another barrier between you and the noise, you know?

(Pleased) Cool. I brought a couple of blankets for the structure, but this one is for you to use as an actual blanket. It’s weighted and is really good for anxiety and nerves. 

[Fabric rustling] It’s nice, right? You can keep that one, I have another at home. Alright, so I also brought a ton of snacks, because I wasn’t sure what your snack situation was, and I didn’t want to raid your pantry. Also, my snacks are probably better.

Because I brought skittles, sour patch kids, and cheese balls for the express reason that it’s scientifically impossible to be scared or sad or upset with a mouth of cheese balls. 

Yeah, I’ve got studies; they were published in the scientific journals of Hard Knocks and Because I Said So.

[Laugh] Eat a skittle, brat, and let me show you the rest. I’ve got all the stuff to make either hot cocoa or chocolate milk; I wasn’t sure if you were in the mood for a hot drink or cold drink, so I played it safe and brought the ingredients for both. Oh, and movies! I brought over movies.

The same reason people like vinyl records. I love having something physical on a disk that no one can take from me and will still work without wifi. It doesn’t look like there’ll be a power outage, but we can still watch DVDs if there is.

(Playful) Hey, despite my good looks and carefree “hakuna matata” vibes, I’m smart! I’m thoughtful and logical!

I cannot be blamed for not paying my trash bill, okay. That shit doesn’t get covered in school, and I think it’s a really reasonable assumption that trash and recycling services are paid for with our tax dollars because they should be!

[Laugh] More skittles! Eat ‘em before I throw them at you!

[Laugh] Unbelievable. You’re so lucky you’re cute and it’s storming, or I’d throw pillows, not candy. Alright, take your pick. We’ve got Rambo, Hercules, and/or The Ring. What are we feeling?

Well, I figured an action movie might help, because all the gunfire and explosions might drown out the rain and thunder. Hercules, I figured we might be too busy singing to be scared; plus, the lightning outside might blend in with Zeus’s lightning in the movie. The Ring was a bit of a long shot, but my logic was that you might be less scared if we were scared… together? Does that make sense?

[Laugh] (Soft, bashful) I like you too, baby. What’s got you looking at me like that?

Of course I like you. Was that not obvious?

(Playful) Oh, you still have no idea. I like you so much I got us, as the finishing touch…

[Fabric rustling] matching pajama pants!

Because I want you to be comfy and happy, and what’s more comfy and happy than soft, fuzzy pajama pants covered in silly animals? Do you want the baby pugs or tiny dachshunds?

Yeah, I know both are cute, but I wanted you to be able to pick which one you thought was the most cute, you know? Cute things are diametrically opposed to fear… unless you’re a doll. Or a Furby… Most cute things are diametrically opposed to fear. 

[Laugh] There we go. There’s that smile that makes my day. Who cares about the rainclouds when I’ve got all the sunshine I need right here?

[Kiss] Sure I could. What exactly’s stopping me from doing this every time it storms?

And what exactly do you think I should spend my time, energy, and money on instead? What better use for them than to be with you and make you happy?

(Playful) A little bit of stupid question, just a smidge, but fear will make you delusional, so let’s get right on fixing that. You know what your brain needs to fight? Fuel. You know what fuels your brain. Sugar! Do you want a cold or sweet hot drink?

Performances~!

[autisticempathydaemon]

[A4A] Explaining Christmas Traditions to Your Angel Partner

Tags: [Fantasy] [Silly] [Irreverent] [Kuudere-esque, Biblical Angel Speaker] [Human Listener]

Type: SFW

Tagline: I’m sorry- who is this Jack Frost, and why is he nipping at your nose?

Tone: Curious, dry, stoic but not cold

SFX: Fire crackling, low, public domain christmas music?

WC: 841 words, ~7 - 9 minutes

Author's Notes: If you’ve watched Supernatural and seen Castiel, you know the vibe I’m going for.

Hmmm… I’ll take the one with the odd, furry green man. He seems friendly.

[Cloth rustling]

How does it look?

If it’s so ugly, why am I wearing it? I’m not sure I understand why we are celebrating the holidays with big, ugly sweaters.

No, It’s mine. You were so excited and you gave it to me, so it’s mine. Now you put on yours… though I don’t see how “Yippee ki-yay motherfucker” is a festive greeting.

“Die Hard” doesn’t sound like a Christmas movie, but yes, I would love to watch it with you after we decorate. What shall we do first?

I was wondering about that- what makes this a Christmas tree? Pines and Spruces aren’t indigenous to the Middle East. Does it have to be this kind? Would a fig tree not be more authentic?

Why does it need a point on the top? Do we put something there?

(Lowkey insulted) I look absolutely nothing like this; how can this be an angel?

Why? This is nowhere near how angels are described in scripture! This has wings and only one set of them at that.

Seraphs and cherubs have three and two sets respectively, but angels, my kin, have none. The Boss specifically made sure of that as not to frighten you humans.

(Suspicious) You think it’s cute?

Do you think it’s cuter than me?

(Pouting) I’m not pouting. Celestial beings do not pout. I’m just making a note to have a word with Caravaggio and Botticelli the next time I see them. This is all their fault.

I don’t care if pouting isn’t in the Christmas spirit. Your plastic angels are a farce, and its wings wouldn’t even fly properly. They’re not big enough. I don’t understand how I don’t have spirit but your ineffectual idols do… What is that?

(Quizzical) Why do you have mistletoe…?

[Kiss, pause, repeated kissing]

(Pleased) Alright. I think I may be coming around to your little traditions. Are there any more little sprigs of shrub I can hang around the house to compel you to kiss me?

Unfortunate- and we only have the one mistletoe?

I will think very strategically about where to put it then. What else is there to do? Are the majority of the tasks around the tree?

Hmmm… I’m not sure we should put this in the kitchen while we make hot chocolate- not after what happened with the stove. Again, I apologize for that.

We shouldn’t put it over the fire while we roast chestnuts either. It could catch and then no more Christmas kisses.

That’s a great idea. We’ll put it here above the couch for while we movies; this is the most comfortable place to kiss as well.

[Magic sound]

There, perfect. Let’s make sure it works.

[Kiss]

Excellent. Is it time for movies yet? We can make popcorn; I’ve been practicing. That’s one of my favorite things your kind has invented.

Yes, first, Die Hard. Are you going to explain how it’s a Christmas movie, or would you like me to watch and learn again?

Is being set during the season the only prerequisite? I had gathered that almost all Christmas movies contained a certain amount of wholesome nostalgia, sentiment, and jingle bells- which I still don’t understand how they differ from regular bells. All bells jingle, do they not? Why are we adding two syllables and all this fanfare to an instrument just to describe the sound it makes year-round?

I’m done with the bells… for now. I reserve the right to express my confusion later. What’s next?

[Pause]

(Lost) I’m sorry… How is a child being neglected and left to the mercy of burglars a fun, holiday film? That’s tragic.

The fact the child can defend himself with traps does not make it less tragic! Why do all your movies have violence and people being threatened in them? What’s next, serial killing??

You are so beautiful and so sweet and so baffling to me. I will never understand you or your kind, but I love you all the same.

Yes! Show me some of the children’s movies you grew up with. Surely those must be fun.

[Pause]

(Unsettled) This is… animated?

Stop-motion animation… And this is made with clay?

I am as old as time. I have seen your planet grow, and I will see it fall apart. I have witnessed things beyond your imagination, and these clay creatures may be the worst of them. I don’t think I like them very much.

[Laugh]

If no one likes them, why are there so many of these movies? Why are they considered children’s classics? Your celebrations are so odd.

Alright… Yes… So this “Santa Claus”… You humans hold him in a very high regard?

Right, the children do. They look up to this magical, Christmas delivery man and watch movies about him? Are messengers in your world so revered?

Why are they also afraid of him? He seems harmless.

(Amused but done) My love, what in my Boss’s name is a Krampus?

Performances~!

(Voiced by the lovely Tumblr local, @mr-laveau)

[autisticempathydaemon]

[A4A] Your Coworker Cheers You Up

Tags: [Comfort for Workplace Anxiety] [Coworkers to More] [Slice of Life] [Lawyer Speaker] [Accountant Listener]

Type: SFW

Tagline: No one sits in a stair landing when they’re feeling okay. Believe me, I know. 

Tone: confident, reassuring, light-hearted

Setting; SFX: A stairwell; quiet, with an echo when indicated

WC: 919, ~8 - 10 minutes

Author's Notes: Can you find the CastleAudios easter egg?

[Unintelligible talking, muffled footsteps, door opening] (With a slight echo, coming closer) -send money, are you? 

Not a single second or cent. Like, I’m still paying my student loans. Why would I send you more of my money on top of that? Where’s the logic, where’s the-

[Pause, footsteps, going farther] -the humanity, you know? Anyway, I’ve got to finish up before lunch, but I’ll see you later? We still on for this weekend? 

Cool, see you then.

[Tentative footsteps, pause, thunk of sitting on the ground] (Low, no echo) Just so you know, this is where people usually go to have quickies. The spot for emotional breakdowns is the basement .

Yeah, it was the roof, but the building management used their brains and figured out what a bad idea that was. 

You sure? You look pretty upset for someone just taking a coffee break… You’re the trainee in Accounting, right? 

Better, I’m Legal.

Better because I can sue the pants off of whoever made you upset, of course.

Only slightly. When someone is successfully sued, we’d take their liquid funds and assets like cars, houses, valuables. If the pants are really expensive, then they could actually count, yes. 

Really. So point me in a direction; let’s get to taking pants. They call us sharks for a reason, so tell me where the blood is.

(Gentle, genuine) Seriously. I know we’ve never really talked before, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you here with the spiders and cobwebs without making sure you’re okay. 

[Thump of bumping shoulders] (Light) Billable hours don’t apply to coworkers anyway, so you might as well share if you’d like, if it’d help.

[Roughly thirty seconds of active, sympathetic listening (perhaps punctuated with “mhm”, “uh-huh”, and/or “mmm”)] I should have guessed Miranda was the issue; that’s not surprising. 

I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not we’ve had to handle Miranda. What I can say is that I’m glad she’s not in my department cause we all think she’s kind of an asshole. 

[Laugh] That too but those are your words, not mine though you’re not likely to find anyone who’d disagree. 

Oh, no, no one likes her very much. She’s only here because the CFO and her share an Alma mater and because you can’t reasonably fire someone for being unpleasant. I’d know; I’ve seen people try. What did she call you out for again, specifically? 

[Long pause] Yeah, no, that’s kind of bullshit.

Almost all of it, so much I wouldn’t be surprised if the mistake wasn’t even yours in the first place. That’s how exaggerated it sounds.

 My department goes line by line through all our contracts; I know the minutiae of each one and most of the clients they’re for. A standard accounting mix-up could hardly void the whole thing. It’s my job to make sure they’re not that fallible. How long have you been here again?

Okay, so even if it were that serious, that’s what this training period is for. She’s there to check your work and guide you, not berate you in public for a mistake it is her job to ensure you don’t make again. You know how she treated you was out of line, right?

Exceedingly. Not to sound like some sort of corporate shill but that’s not how we do things here. That’s now how anything should be done anywhere. Were you worried about that, that you didn’t have a right to be upset?

Bullshit. The only thing you could have done to warrant a public dressing down like that is run someone over with a company car. Did you run someone over with a company car?

Then there we go. (Sotto voce) And even if you did, no, you didn’t. 

[Thump of bumping shoulders, laugh, pause] Of course I’m right. I’m in Legal; I’m paid to convince people I’m right.

Always, but I can’t say I’d recommend it. Too much of my salary is going to my law school, and I’d hate to rob the world and our company of a good accountant, especially when Miranda finally, deservedly pisses off the wrong person and gets fired. 

God, I hope so. I hate when people go up the corporate ladder and use the people below as rungs to do it, especially when those people are as good-looking as you. 

Yes… unless it’s not working and you don’t like it. Then I’m definitely not flirting, no, I’m bringing light-hearted, rakish levity to the conversation. Entirely up to you.

(Tentative, hopeful) Like it enough that I could take you out for lunch? 

[Laugh] I’m aware you can’t write it off as a work lunch, that’s okay. It’s my treat, obviously.

[Rustle of getting up to stand] Need a hand up? 

Let’s go. I know a place just two blocks away, a company poorly kept secret that’ll be perfect. Everything’s better when you’ve got a stomach full of pie. Do you like pie?

Liza at the diner’s got fresh, housemade pies every day, and she changes the flavors weekly. She’s the sweetest, always throwing in extra slices when we do late nights and order take out… unless Miranda orders. Then there’s no extra pie or pillow mints. 

[Footsteps] (Fading out, with a slight echo) Oh, Liza hates her more than anyone. Two years ago, Miranda gave her some entitled shit about not serving pumpkin pie during summer, and she hasn’t officially brought pumpkin back into the rotation out of pure spite.

[autisticempathydaemon]

[M4F] Inside the Mind of Your Goofy, Nervous Next Door Neighbor

Tags: [Vanilla] [Internal Monologue] [Silly] [Pining] [Masturbation] [Speaker Orgasm] [Stream of Consciousness] [Mental Ramblefap] Mentions of [Athlete] [Shower Sex] [Creampie] [Sweatpants]

Type: NSFW

Tone: silly, casual, occasionally insecure

Setting and SFX: Inside your head, so possibly a slight echo?

WC: 1,280, ~11 - 13 minutes

Author's Notes: Yeah, Geordi of Redacted Audio fame was a big inspiration for this; how could you tell? /t

[Knocking, footsteps] I’m coming! Hold on, hold on, let me get some pants on! I’m-

[Door opening] (startled) -coming! Hey, neighbor! How are- how are you? What can I do for you today?

Oh, shit, is that mine? The new Amazon guy must have dropped it at your door instead of mine. It was so nice of you to bring it over.

[Awkward laugh] (Trying to be funny and failing) You didn’t open it and look inside, did you? I’d hate to have to swear you to secrecy or else.

[Pause]…because it could have been a, you know, sex toy or disembodied finger or…

…something awful or…

(Weak) It’s underwear.

[Laugh] Yeah, let’s say that I just woke up. That explains why I’m sticking my foot in my mouth, absolutely. What about you- just finished a morning run?

That’s so cool. I’ve always thought about getting into it, but if I had to run in circles by myself, I’m pretty sure I’d bore myself to death.

[Laugh] (Flustered) You’re so sweet to invite me out running with you, but I’d hate to be a bother and slow you down. In fact, you probably want to get to your own apartment and shower, and I’m keeping you…

[Pause for realization] (Even more flustered, rambling) -which is not to say you stink or anything! Or that you look messy! I just imagine you’d want to get clean after exercise, you know? You actually look amazing, and you probably… smell…

[Groan] (Abashed) See what I said about the foot in the mouth?

You planning to do just that only helps a little bit, but I appreciate the attempt. I should let you get to it; I’ve kept you long enough. Thank you again for bringing this over.

Yeah, maybe I’ll see you later. Have a good shower!

[Door closing, pause, thunk of head against wood, internal monologue begins] “Have a good shower”? Really? That is not a normal thing to say, man. You don’t end a conversation with your drop-dead gorgeous, hotter than the sun neighbor with “have a good fuckin shower”.

How should I have ended that conversation?

I don’t know, dude, some normal way like “bye”. Like “have a great day”. Like “I bet you smell so fucking amazing. Please let me kiss you and find out whether I’m right”.

Maybe not that. Don’t tell the beautiful girl you think about how she smells. Also, don’t tell the beautiful girl that she brought you your underwear. That’s weird.

Why do I think that’s weird? Everybody wears underwear. She wears underwear. I wonder if she has the pretty, lacy kind or maybe something skimpy and red-

[Thunk] This. This is why we’re weird. This is why we still don’t know her number or her type or her name, because we keep thinking about her underwear and because we just bought super Mario boxer briefs with little 1UP mushrooms on them.

Ha, if we keep thinking about her in lingerie, we’ll have mushrooms in our pants and on them.

I’m going to do the world and her a favor and become a hermit. I am a problem and god’s punishment to women and a dipshit. This is why I’m single. This is why-

Is that the sound of the shower starting next door? Fuck, that means she’s naked on the other side of the wall- naked and sweaty and bending over to peel the leggings off her body.

I want to lick the sweat off her neck and shoulders.

That’s weird… but also really hot. Am I into that? Is it the sweat or the idea of the sweat dripping down the skin of her neck and between her breasts, down her stomach?

[Groan, optional schlicking and moaning begins] Pretty sure it’s the breasts. I wish she weren’t showering over there. I wish hers was broken so she’d have to come over in a towel and borrow mine like in that video last night. God, if you exist, could you make my life a porn set for just one day- just long enough for the girl of my dreams to borrow my shower and say we should share to save water?

I bet her voice is so much better bouncing off the shower tiles than through the shitty, thin walls.

That’s gotta be why people are so into shower sex, right? Why else would they risk the slippery floors and rapidly cooling water?

I’d rather fuck her somewhere softer, quieter- somewhere like this couch. I’d love to sit her down after a date and talk, get to know her, get to touch her.

God, I’d love the opportunity to take her out on a date, go around town with that gorgeous fucking girl on my arm. Even better, I wish I could make her dinner, have her sit across from me like she lives here instead of next door, like she belongs here.

If I took out for dinner and a drink, I could see her in that dress and heel combo she wears out on Friday night sometimes. That’s really tempting, but if I made her dinner, I could see her cozy and comfortable, and god is there anything cuter than a cozy, sleepy, beautiful woman?

If she was over here in those patterned sweatpants that sit on her hips like a halo on an angel’s head, I might just propose.

Better yet, she could be here naked- naked and under me and soft and warm and wet and letting me touch and spread her thighs, letting me pin her hands by her head so I can grind against her and slip inside-

Or I could bend her over the arm of the couch. I could spread her open, bury my face and tongue in her pussy, show her how good I could make her feel, find out if she’s a squirter.

Shit, wait, no, then we’d make a mess on the couch.

Who the fuck am I kidding- I couldn’t care less. She’d be a gorgeous fucking mess under me, and I could make a mess of her, cum on her ass and watch it drip down her skin.

God, those thighs looked so goddamn good in her workout gear today, thank god for Lululemon.

Her mouth looked even better. I’m surprised I managed to talk to her when I was just thinking about how kissable her mouth looks- and how fuckable. She’s always beautiful, but I bet she’d be even more beautiful with her lips wrapped around my cock, cheeks hollowed, spit dripping down her chin. I’m pretty sure if I saw that and looked her in the eyes, I’d cum right down her throat, and Jesus, that would be so hot.

It’d be hotter if I came inside.

(Nearing climax) I’m so right; if I got the chance, I’d have to cum in her, fuck her sweet and close, missionary-style first. That way, I could wrap her thighs around my hips, dig my nails into her waist, feel her breasts pressed against my chest, her arms around my neck, and her lips next to my ear, moaning and sighing and saying she loves me-!

[Orgasm, deep breathing in the afterglow, pause] (Chill, drained) Fuck, I am down bad. That was sappy, man.

[Cleaning up, moving, wiping, etc.] Get her number, get her name, have a normal conversation with her, and then we can start thinking about her telling us she loves us, you absolute dipshit. At this rate, she’ll never want… to…

[Pause, groan- the post-nut clarity] (Aghast) Fuck, she asked me to go running with her. Fuck, she was flirting! I’m an idiot!

[autisticempathydaemon]

[A4A] Your Mafia Boss [Friend?] Visits You at Work

Tags: [Librarian Listener] [Talking Stage]

Type: SFW

Tone: Curious, light, ambiguously flirty or friendly 

Setting and SFX: Library so maybe light conversation or pages turning

WC: 979, ~8 - 10 minutes

Author's Notes: This is a sequel; please refer to its predecessor for the full context and story!

[Library ambience, light footsteps, pause] (Light, joking) I wasn’t aware shelving books required so much standing and reading. Is this how my tax dollars are being used?

[Laugh] I’m sorry; I really didn’t mean to startle you while you were busy, but I thought it’d look worse if I stood here any longer without saying anything. I have to say, it’s no surprise we nabbed you at work if that’s how intense you get when you read. I could have opened fire and you wouldn’t have bat a pretty eye… not that I’d ever, of course.

Yes, no illegal activities, Giacomo, or yelling, or I’m out; understood. Speaking of, G has asked me to mention he’d like to come by and apologize for himself sometime if you’d allow. He’s embarrassed and would like to show you his new glasses and bring you some sort of restitution. (Conspiratorial, whispered) He’s been considering something like flowers or an edible arrangement, but I think you could really leverage a generous donation to the library out of him if you make him wait for it.

That’s not the only reason I’m here; maybe I want to see my favorite librarian. Maybe I want to partake in normal, upstanding citizen activities like paying overdue book fees, reading.

Sure, I am. In fact, maybe I’ve been looking for the book you’re about to shelve; may I? I’ve been wanting something to really jump into on a relaxing day with a blanket and coffee, and what better chance to start reading… (Resigned) “Knotted by the Alpha”.

[Pause, laughter] You can’t tell me to quiet down; you’re laughing too! Don’t shush me, you hypocrite!

(Catching breath) I walked right into that, I’ll admit. Here, take your smut back; I won’t be checking that out today. The library is so much less stuffy and uptight than I had imagined. I thought you might be shushing people constantly to maintain the peace and sanctity of the space but it’s actually so we can focus on the Omegaverse.

[Laugh] Yes, you are- Doll, you literally just shushed me!

I’m not sure I believe you, honestly. What would you do all day if not shushing people and being the object of schoolboy fantasies… and getting hauled into cars without your permission. Sorry about that, again, by the way.

Hey now- I’m not keeping you from doing your job, I wouldn’t dream of it. I’m fairly sure if I did anything of the sort, you’d go after me and my ankles with your book cart, and I’m not confident that’s a fight I’d win. I’m just curious, observing, making conversation, watching a master at work.

(Facetious) Hmm, you know what? You’re right; I should be working. In fact, I should check in with my manager and give them a call. Excuse me a second. (Sotto voce) Hey, boss? Do I have anything pressing on the agenda? (In a silly tone) No; in fact, take the whole day for yourself, my beloved and perfect employee. You’ve earned it. (Back to normal tone) Well, if you say so, who am I to argue? I’ll see you tomorrow by the watercooler then!

[Pause] (Smug) It would seem I’m free for the day.

When you’re as good as I am, you get to be the boss young. Also, my mom wanted to retire young alongside my Auntie Nina. Who was I to deny the woman who raised me?

(Surprised, pleased) She’s doing good, thank you for asking. I won’t say what we may or may not have done to cheer her up, but I’m pleased to say it’s worked and raised her spirits. I will let you know it involved sending her and my mom on a girl’s trip to Vegas. I’ll let her know you asked after her when they get back; she’ll be so charmed.

Oh, it’s Caesars Entertainment that should worry about not making their bottom line, not me. Despite her terrible instincts with men, my auntie is a monster at roulette, and my mom can count cards better than a machine. Granted, they’ll probably spend all their winnings on Processo and scantily clad men, but at the very worst they’ll break even.

If not, I’ll figure it out, I’ll pivot. Maybe I’ll consider a career change and become a librarian. Would you put in a good word for me, Doll?

(Playful, prodding) What? I love books and giving back to my community; isn’t that what’s important? What else could I need?

Okay, I hear what you’re saying about a Master’s Degree in library science, but what if, instead, I brought my winning smile? I could be your personality hire.

You don’t sound convinced. Maybe you could tell me more about these job requirements later over lunch?

Because Giacomo’s not the only one who’d like to apologize, and in my opinion, there’s no gesture quite as appropriate, heartfelt, and sincere as a home-cooked meal.

[Laugh] Doll, if I wanted to keep you quiet or take you out on anything but a date, this is not how I’d go about it. Why would I escort you home and meet you publically at your place of work if I wanted you to disappear?

Mhm. Not to mention, poison? Really? It’s an ineffectual, unreliable weapon, so slow-acting and difficult to dose properly. Besides, most poisons are horribly bitter and would ruin what I cooked. I would never disrespect food that way.

I’d say it is, given I’m the one who made it, but you’ll have to find out for yourself. When’s your lunch break?

(Sarcastic) Oh nooo, I’ll have to wait an hour? What will I do to keep myself entertained amongst this vast collection of all human knowledge and imagination?

[Laugh] Do what you’ve got to do. I’ve got a cooler, patience, and a fictional Alpha to get intimately acquainted with; I can wait.

Performances~!

(Performed by the much beloved @mr-laveau~)

[autisticempathydaemon]

[A4A] Confronting Your Mad Scientist, Supervillain Boss Who Keeps Sabotaging Your Dates

Tags: [Workplace romance] [Yandere speaker] [Oblivious listener] [Pining… of a sort]

Type: SFW

Tagline: Oh, was your Tinder thing last night? Darn.

Tone: Carefree, energetic, almost too friendly

Optional SFX: Hum and clatter of a laboratory

WC: 1527, ~14 - 16 minutes

[Laboratory door opening]

(Rambling) Good morning! Is it morning? I didn’t really sleep- I’ve made so much progress and done so much since you clocked out yesterday. I’ve got a new plan to harass the scientists in Antarctica, and the man-eating roses are coming along so nicely. Come, I want to show you this batch I made that’s budding in your favorite color.

What’s got your safety goggles all in a twist? Is the shade off, because these will probably lighten in color as they bloom and then they’ll be right.

Oh, yes! That’s one of the other updates I wanted to give you. Spot was just so active and hyperactive last night; I think she had a case of the zoomies, you know? So I let her off the leash, so to speak, and let her wreak a little havoc downtown. After all, how can I say no to that snarling, spitting, tentacled cutie? She brought us back a bike as a gift; isn’t she just a darling?

Hmm, I believe she scratched up a skyscraper or two, dug up a park and some trees. She went to the bathroom on a purse-snatcher which just tickles me pink because that means her training is going well.

Ahh, yes, that’s right, she did use the suspension bridge as a swing, and it didn’t hold. I’ve been telling the government and heroes council for years that tax money should be going into public infrastructure, and I hate to have to tell them “I told you so” when I crash the next town hall.

[Laugh] I know, that’s bullshit. I love shoving their failures in their face; I’ll record it for posterity. Why are you so grumpy then? You hated that rickety thing and called it an eyesore.

I thought your date was at seven? You live way outside of downtown, and I let Spot out to play right about then.

It sounds to me that if he had been on time, this would have been avoided, and he wouldn’t have tragically fallen off the bridge into the river. That’s what I like about you, always so punctual. You’re one of a kind.

I’m not trying to make you less mad with compliments because I don’t know why you’re mad at me! How was I supposed to know your date would be late? All I was concerned with was our beloved Spot here stretching her legs and being happy. Look at that face. Could you have said no to it? Besides, isn’t this the same man who kept trying to get you to listen to his podcast?

Then didn’t this all work out for the best? You should be thanking me even! Here, I’ll start for you. “Wow, you’re the best boss ever on top of being the most dastardly villain to ever plague the earth. I love being paid to fulfill your vision and do evil by your side and would totally kiss you if I had the chance.” Now you try.

I know you don’t mean that~ I still have that Best Boss Ever mug you gave me for my birthday, so I’m practically quoting you verbatim.

You would never.

This was an accident, a coincidence! You wouldn’t break my heart over happenstance, would you?

Another unfortunate coincidence- I had no way of knowing the restaurant I set on fire was where your high school sweetheart worked. All I knew was that they gave me food poisoning and really disgusting appletinis.

Another coincidence that is nowhere near my fault, even less than the other ones- how was I supposed to know your blind date was a superhero? You didn’t know either! Also, if I hadn’t blown up the Temple of Fortitude, it would have been another villain, so blaming me specifically is so unfair.

That- now that was self-defense! I didn’t vaporize that woman the other day because she hit on you, I vaporized her because she was a cop who had a gun pointed at me… which was scary by the way, and you didn’t even comfort me when she shot me.

Just because I can bend the rules of life and death doesn’t mean it wasn’t scary! The Resurrection Machine hurts like a bitch!

I know you don’t mean that either; you’ll always put me in the chamber in time for a thunderstorm. After all, who will sign your paychecks and genetically engineer pig-sized fire-breathing dragons for your birthday gift?

[Laugh] Oh, so that’ll convince you to keep me around and not my sparkling wit, my excellent company? Ouch.

I know you’re joking, don’t you worry. I’ve never thought for a second that working with villains had made you one. You’re still so sweetly soft-hearted even when you’re frustrated.

(Sympathetic) Yeah, I know, I get it. I hear dating can be rough these days with apps, hook-up culture, work-life balance, all that, and I can imagine how it must feel to jump through all of those hoops and still feel lonely at the end of it. That must be really hard, and I’m sorry you feel that way.

No, I’m not looking for anyone myself; I’ve got everything I need right here.

[Laugh] Well, I can’t wait for the day you love your job as much as I do mine. I know it’ll happen just as I know you’ll find the one. You just have to be patient a little longer. You can’t rush this sort of thing, not when it’s so imperative to find someone that’s worthy of you, as difficult as that may be.

Of course I mean that. Do I lie, especially to you? I may terrorize, immolate, and murder, but do I lie?

Then believe me when I say that the right person will come along, the one who will sweep you off your feet, and you shouldn’t settle for anything less until then. You are stunning, intelligent, and a ray of sunshine everywhere you go, especially in this dreary lab. You are the best assistant and, dare I say, friend I could ever ask for, and I think you deserve the world. (Light, playful) Now, how can someone possibly give you that when my plans succeed and the world is ours? They’ll simply have to be more creative.

(Serious) That won’t be possible; once something is mine, it’s mine. (Light) Except for the parts of the world I will give you, of course, my lovely assistant.

Of course, you think I want to rule at the top by myself? That would be too lonely. You will get a whole continent, two even. I know you’ve always dreamed of giving the Aboriginal people of Australia back their land, and soon you’ll be able to.

You told me about it when you had too many hard ciders at our last Happy Hour. You also told me the only thing you’d ask in return is a few acres of land and as many emus as you can handle. Your younger self was very affected by reading about The Emu Wars, I gathered.

You don’t have to justify it. Like I said, you are one of a kind, unique and sweet and empathetic to the smallest of creatures. I’ve always loved this about you and will help however I can.

[Hug] Are we good then? Are you done being mad at me?

You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s so unfortunate your date last night didn’t work out, and that must have been really frustrating. I’m just happy I could support you and help you feel better.

Good. You know what else might help raise your spirits?

The dragons are hungry and haven’t been fed yet. I held off because I know how much you love to be the one to do it.

I agree, they’re happier when you do it anyway. I have some whole chickens defrosting in the kitchen if you’d like to grab those and feed them before we start work today.

[Laboratory door opening, optional dragon noises] (Manipulative, cold) Yes, yes, I know you’re not really hungry after last night’s meal, but our friend knows your schedule too well and would be so worried if you didn’t at least nibble. We don’t want to worry them, do we?

That’s right, attaboys. That’s the spirit- a few more little accidents and secret meals for you both, and they’ll get the hint. I’ll get to have them all to myself, and you two will be right by our side on a cozy ranch in the Outback. Doesn’t that sound nice and worth gorging yourself stuffed on an Andrew Tate wannabe every so often?

Good. Keep it up.

[Laboratory door opening] (Warm, effusive) There you are, let me give you a hand; those have got to still be cold.

Of course. Now, after this, could you take a look at those flowers I was telling you about? They’re already carnivorous, but I think we could really maximize their damage potential by making them produce toxic pollen. Then why don’t we take an early break and try out that brunch place around the corner? My treat.

Performances~!

[autisticempathydaemon]

[F4M] The Virgin Princess and the Frog-Man

Tags: [Fantasy] [Rape] [Monster] [Brat Taming] [Degradation] [Begging] [Fingering] [Creampie] [Mentions of Breeding] [Mentions of Free Use]

Type: NSFW

Tagline: What are you going to do, make me kiss you?

Tone: Bratty, spoiled, demanding

SFX: None

WC: 1,452, ~13 - 15 minutes

[Light humming and hair brushing, surprised gasp, sigh] You scared me, little Frog. What are you doing here? Don’t you have a dirty, scum filled pond to swim in somewhere?

[Scoff] This nonsense again. Don’t you have other little, gross creatures to bother and dance with rather than bother me incessantly? Everywhere I turn, all day, I see your disgusting, little body, all covered in slime and dirt and threatening to sully my dress, and I’m tired of it. Go on, shoo.

(Condescendingly sweet) Poor, dumb, ugly little creature; are you too stupid to get home to the swamp you crawled out from? You’re in luck. I am the future queen of this kingdom, and I shall rule more land than your feeble, pea-sized brain could ever fathom. I will be a benevolent ruler, and I will help you.

[Loud, vicious smack, cruel laughter] (Aside, distracted) That’ll teach it a lesson. I must have the castle wizard cast stronger pest control spells lest I have to dirty my hair brush again. I-

[Magical transformation noises] (Flustered) Little Frog… man?? What are you- how have you- Why are you naked?

You know what? I cannot be bothered to care. Make your leave before I make you leave. Curse or not, you are uncovered and… at attention before your future queen, and I will not be witness to your- your- indecency!

(Shocked) What? What do you mean “no”? I said leave! Do you not understand the words coming out of my mouth, you vile, obscene thing? Do not take another step, or I’ll-

[Sound of Princess being pushed against the vanity and forcefully kissed, punctuated with struggling and protests] (Out of breath, weakly struggling) How dare you? I am royalty, ordained by God to rule; you will not touch me with your disgusting, slimy hands or defile my mouth with your unnatural tongue. Unhand me at once, and maybe I won’t have your head chopped off and set before me on a stick-!

[Grunt, yelp] Let me up! How dare you push me and bend me over as if I were a common wench- Get your hands out from under my skirts!! The guards will do their rotations any moment, and when they see how you’ve pinned and humiliated the future queen, you’ll wish you were dead. You’ll beg for mercy and be refused-

[Startled moan, schlicking and restrained moan/whimpers begin] I am not wet, as you so crudely put it; that must be the disgusting slick that coats your fingers. I would never stoop so low, would never debase myself as to allow my body to react to a filthy, unnatural thing like you. You’re such a pitiful, sad creature resorting to brute force to take what is above your station. Leave me be, and I may be kind-!

[Loud moan and pause as we breach the point of no return] (Weak with pleasure, fighting the incoming orgasm) No, it does not. It feels wrong for your big… beastly hand and tongue to reach inside where even I do not touch, for what was kept pure for my future husband.

Of course not, it would be improper and sinful. That part of my body is only to be used by the future king to bring forth an heir. Your touch will have no effect on me.

Your unholy, unnatural tongue may twist and undulate deep alongside your fingers, but I will not be broken, and I will not give into your carnal tricks. I am a princess, and you are an animal.

[Schlicking stops, gasp] (Desperate) You will not. Please. You have humiliated me enough, but penetration is too much. I must be kept pure.

I will do whatever you ask, give you whatever you want. You could leave here without a hair on your head harmed. I could give you riches, land, a title, anything.

[Threatening schlicking] (More desperate) I will say whether you want, whatever you command, so long as you don’t do that.

(Being fed lines, mortified) I am a terrible princess not worthy to rule. I am only fit for running my stupid, slut mouth and being bent over my fine, useless things. I will submit to my betters, to my Frog Prince, and spread my legs and… pussy when I am told… Will that suffice?

What do you mean “no”?

[Insertion] (Gutted) You bastard. You sick, twisted, bastard villain, take it out.

[Fucking and restrained moaning begins] I didn’t say to put it back in!

It does not feel good, you frog bastard. Your cock as you call it is disgusting and uncomfortably hot inside me. Such a dirty, pulsing thing could never bring me pleasure no matter how you grind it against my womb.

That’s not me! The slick dripping down me and my thighs must be your doing, some bestial, obscene magic producing more of your filthy frog slime. It’s repulsive like your body pressed against mine and your hands roaming my skin.

I twitch and writhe because I hate this and you, because your touch and intrusion make my body burn hot with fury, nothing more, nothing less- especially there! Do not touch me there!

I don’t know what this “clitoris” is, and I don’t care. When you touch me there, my body heats even more and I can’t think straight. I don’t like it, and I will not be subjected to more of your cursed enchantments. Please just finish this.

[Unrestrained moaning begins] You villain, you dishonorable rogue. I don’t know what you are doing to me, but you will not get away with it. After you finish and abscond, I will make you pay, so please end this. (Frenetic as if nearing climax) Please end this. Please release inside of me so you may go. Please give it to me, please please please-

[Fucking and moaning stops] (Dazed, flustered) What? Why have you stopped moving? Why have you stopped touching me?

Why are you only doing as I ask now??

No, I am not pleased! Do as your Princess commands, and finish what you started!

Or… or…!

(Whining, defeated) But you can’t go. You can’t leave me here. I ache, and you must keep touching me and fix it.

(Frenzied, pleading) I’ll do anything, say anything. I’ve offered you land and money and prestige; you can still have it all, and I’ll give you more. Take the crown, the throne, the kingdom, but please just take me and ease this desperate yearning between my legs.

I will be so, so good for you and so obedient, my Prince, I promise, I swear! I’ll be as loud as you want, or I’ll not make a sound. If you release my hands, I will spread myself open and ready for you to fill and defile and consume, and I will do so so sweetly, so beautifully. All I ask for, all I want, is for you to please, please, help me and end my suffering. Please, my Prince, my love, my Lord, I need it.

[Fucking and uninhibited moaning begin] Thank you, thank you, thank you, my Prince. You are so kind and so good to me, I am in your debt and your service. I’ll beg you to use me whenever and wherever you like if it will feel like this, this sensation I could never have dreamed of.

Yes, Your Majesty, I will be so well-behaved and sweet, so wet and ready for you. I’ll not bother with skirts or corsets, and I’ll lay myself bare, pliable, and at your leisure.

Yes, you’ll be free to use my Princess hole whenever you like, Your Majesty, as your own personal plaything.

Then I shall not be a Princess anymore, and I will be your common whore and servant. I will freely surrender my crown and title at your feet and kiss them for the privilege; just please, please do not stop. Something is coming, and I will die without it.

Yes, you can finish inside of me. You can do whatever, whenever, however you like as many times as you may wish, just please give me more. Touch my clit again, please, my Frog Prince, I beg of you.

(Nearing climax) Yes, please, there, Your Majesty. There is magic in your touch and your body, and I feel it coursing through my veins, coming to a peak. It’s coming, it’s coming, I am coming, my Lord!

[Climax, heavy breathing, pause] (Ashamed) …I will give you my tiara and unspeakable riches if you abscond through the window and never darken my door again.

What?

(Fading as Mister Frog flees) What do you mean you’ll be back in three weeks? Why? What is a tadpole?

[autisticempathydaemon]

Things to know about me before engaging:

I’m a queer, trans/non-binary Asian person.

I like and follow from @ weightedblanketjoyfriend.

In addition to fanfiction, I write audio roleplay scripts under the username SunnyScripts!

Alexis Getty is my favorite character/imaginary best friend/ultimate pet project.

I’m a proshipper in the sense that I don’t think the fiction one creates and/or consumes is an accurate indicator of the acts that they find permissible in real life.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, onto the fun stuff~!

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