#Why am I skipping over a good chunk of the Bible? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

andersunmenschlich · 4 years ago

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Genesis 2

That’s the end of creation! That’s how absolutely everything got created, bar none, creation finished, over, done, finito. No more creating. Bible says this “everything done” day is the seventh, so I guess the time before light and darkness got separated actually does count as a day. Who knew.

The gods, that’s who.

Anyhow, the gods made the seventh day a holy day, set apart as super special because that’s when they finished all the creating. The first day ever that they didn’t do any creating at all. They were done.

And now, suddenly, in verse four, the writer changes.

No, I’m not kidding. It’s a very abrupt shift. Most noticeably, we’re not talking about the gods in general anymore: “אֱלֹהִ֖ים” is now always prefaced by “יְהוָ֥ה”—Yhvh, a specific god! “Gods” gets used like a last name now. It’s like, instead of “the Millers did thus-and-such,” now it’s “Alex Miller did thus-and-such.”

New writer. Real obvious.

Anyway! Our new divinely inspired writer takes us back to before the gods told the earth to sprout plants.

This writer tells us that the reason there weren’t any plants was because Yhvh God hadn’t made it rain or created Adam to aerate and fertilize the ground. Strange. I’d gotten the impression that there weren’t any plants because the gods hadn’t created them yet.

Our new writer also tells us that mist rose from inside the earth and watered the ground. Huh.

That would seem to make the lack of rain unimportant. Why say that there weren’t any plants because there was no rain when rain wasn’t needed?

Weird.

Anyway, Yhvh God took some dirt and shaped it into a kind of golem, then breathed into its nose, and poof! Adam.

Uh.

The plants still haven’t been created. I definitely remember Adam coming after the plants.

Land, space, water, and darkness—light, night, and day—sky—sea, dry land, plants—sun, moon, and stars—sea creatures and flying things—land animals—then Adam. And after Adam, nothing except deciding what everything but the sea creatures are going to eat.

Adam was last. I remember that very clearly (it was only ten or eleven verses ago). What kind of divinely inspired contradiction is this?

Ow, no, don’t throw things.

I’m just confused, that’s all. I don’t know how Adam could be created both before and after the plants. Probably I’m stupid. The Bible couldn’t be wrong, after all! Somehow, I’m sure, the gods created Adam male and female on the sixth day and Yhvh God created Adam plain old male on the third day. I don’t know how that’s possible. But the Bible says it happened, so it must have.

Ah, I know. The first writer messed up the plurals and singulars. Divine inspiration ruined by mortal stupidity! There’s only one god—Yhvh God—and there were two Adams, one male and one female.

...Except that still leaves the problem of those two Adams being made on both the third day and the sixth. Uh.

And wait, this new writer says there was only one Adam, one single male Adam.

...Okay, so the first writer messed up hard, then. They wrote “gods” instead of “god.” They said one intersex Adam… or maybe two Adams, one male and one female… were created on the sixth day instead of one male Adam being created on the third.

That’s�� that’s some serious error right there.

Ow! Ow! Quit it!

Look, it’s not my fault! I’m not trying to make the Bible inconsistent! It’s just, look! First the Bible says man was created after the plants and now it says man was created before the plants!

This isn’t my fault! I didn’t make it say that! It just says it, all on its own!

Ow!

All right, all right!

So maybe I misread? Maybe the first part wasn’t meant to be read in a strictly linear way? I know it’s all “this happened, then this happened, then this happened—the first day. This happened, then this happened—the second day.” But maybe you’re supposed to skip around? Maybe the things that apparently happen in one day are actually happening in another?

…That’s stupid! No! I can’t convince myself of that at all!

Ow, ow, okay! Maybe I just don’t understand it because I’m the stupid one, and I’ll never be able to understand it no matter how hard I try—not because it’s dumb, but because I am. Fine, fine, you win, I give up.

So, after creating Adam, Yhvh God creates a garden in a place called Pleasure (“עֵדֶן,” Eden), and sticks Adam in the garden. Yhvh God also makes all kinds of trees that are pretty and/or produce tasty fruit grow in the garden, as well as the tree of Life and the tree of Being Able to Tell the Difference Between Good and Bad.

Side note to tell us about a river that runs through the garden, then splits into four rivers, each of which runs through or along a different place.

The original river doesn’t get a name, but the other four are Increase, Bursting Forth, Rapid, and Fruitfulness. Increase runs through the land of Circle (which has just the best gold, you guys, and awesome gum resin and precious stones, too). Bursting Forth goes through the land of Black. Rapid runs along the east side of Assyria. And we all know Fruitfulness, everyone knows the Euphrates, no need to explain that any further here.

Why this is important, I don’t know. Scene-setting? Nobody’s been able to find the garden of Pleasure using these directions, so it can’t be for that. Anyway, I’m sure Yhvh God knew perfectly well, when he was inspiring this writer, that a worldwide flood was gonna seriously change topography later on.

So the idea is that Adam will be a gardener.

No, this is obvious. There were no plants because there was no man to cultivate the ground? Adam gets put in the garden to tend and keep it?

There’s a reason man exists, and it’s to look after Yhvh God’s plants.

Ow! What?

Oh, the whole “dominate every living thing and even the earth itself” thing? Look. I’m not sure how much I want to trust that first writer, what with their gods and adams and plants being created before humans and all.

Yeouch! Dagnabbit, what?

I can’t throw out any of the Bible? I have to make all of it make sense, all together?

But it contradicts!

Ow! Stop it!

Okay, okay, it doesn’t contradict! I’m stupid! Men exist both to look after plants and to dominate everything, they were created on the third day and on the sixth day, they were spoken into being and they were dirt brought to life, they were male and female and they were just male!

Yhvh God told Adam he could eat fruit from every tree in the garden except anything off the tree of knowing the difference between good and bad, because if he ate anything from that tree “מ֥וֹתתָּ׃ מֽוּת”—he’d be as dead as dead gets that very day.

Then Yhvh God gets to thinking that maybe it’s not great for Adam to be alone.

Uh.

Don’t hit me, but didn’t Adam have Yhvh God? Like… was he really alone? God was there! I grew up hearing that when God’s with you, you’re never alone.

What good is “I will never leave you nor forsake you” if, even with God there, you’re still alone?

Augh, no! I’m sorry I asked!

[nervous breathing, cough]

Okay. So.

Since it’s not good for Adam to be alone (and he’s alone even with God), Yhvh God decides to make a suitable helper for him. Which Yhvh God does by forming animal golems out of dirt and bringing them to life.

….

I… look, I know I’m dumb. But I swear this contradicts what we were told in chapter one.

“Let birds fly above the earth across the face of the sky” on day five, before Adam was ever made, and “let the earth bring forth living creatures” on day six, also before Adam was made, is not compatible with “out of the ground Yhvh God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them.”

Don’t you try to tell me Yhvh God had formed every beast of the field! “וַיִּצֶר֩” is a consecutive imperfect verb just like “וַיָּבֵא֙” (“and brought them”)! They’re the same tense!

Ow! Fine, I’ll move on.

So, being as God isn’t good enough company, he figures maybe a horse will work as a companion for Adam. Or a cow, maybe. How about a dung beetle? Pigeon?

Yhvh God seems kind of stupid, honestly.

Aaah! Fire! No! Bad! Put down the—where did you even get those pitchforks?!?

Right, so, Yhvh God makes all the animals and birds out of dirt and brings them to Adam, in the garden of Pleasure, and whatever Adam calls each one is the name it gets. This is probably a real long process, on account of how many different animals there are, but even after Adam’s named the very last glyptapanteles wasp, he and Yhvh God still haven’t turned up any lower animal suitable to be Adam’s companion and helper.

So Yhvh God goes ahead and makes a more appropriate lower animal.

Ow! Dangit! Look, I’m just saying! It’d be one thing if Adam and Eve were made at the same time, in the same way, like they maybe were in Genesis 1:27, but this is Genesis 2:22, and Eve is obviously not Adam’s equal here!

She’s a tiny part of Adam, a bit he can do without. Yhvh God puts him in a coma, pulls out a single rib. That’s Eve.

Like Adam says when he wakes up and sees her, she’s one of his own bones, a piece of his own body. She’s not her own being as such, she’s a little chunk of him that was removed so he’d have company.

Don’t look at me like that!

What other conclusion are readers expected to draw when one person is literally a single bone pulled from the other one? Especially when the bone-person was made specifically for the sake of the original human.

Anyway, the new writer says this is why a man leaves his parents and is joined to his wife such that the two become one flesh: because that’s what they were in the beginning, one body. The man goes looking for his missing rib and clings to it—the rib gets absorbed by the original body. Man is not complete without woman (woman is never complete, any more than a gear is complete with or without a clock: it’s the clock that’s complete with the gear, and incomplete without it).

Stop hitting me! What is wrong with you people? This interpretation was accepted just fine for hundreds of years, and you know it! This new idea that the Bible would never say women were created not on their own merits but rather for the sake of men—it’s completely ridiculous because look, Bible!

Don’t like the idea of women being lesser than men? Too bad! Leviticus 12:2 and 5! 1 Corinthians 11:9! Ephesians 5:22! Deal with it!

And now another side note: they were both completely unclothed, and it didn’t bother them psychologically. No shame, no embarrassment, none of that. No word on how they felt re: weather, plants, bugs, etc.

End of chapter.

Anyone else feel like these chapters end a bit awkwardly? Like they were randomly slapped in by people who weren’t actually reading any of it?

#Bible #Genesis 2 #nondenominational Christianity #upbringing #Isaiah reads

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honestsycrets · 6 years ago

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Bittersweet

Warnings

Blasphemy and/or Sacrilege

Religious themes

Dark!Alfred

Anger

Virginity Loss

Dub!Consent

Mention of incest (adoptive-- not actually a thing)

Gif credit: philomaela

A/N: Enough warnings for y’all? I’m sure I’m probably missing something... but you guys can point it out if it bothers you.

Forgive me lord for I am no humble man, I have sinned.

Images flash through his minds eye. Images of a beautiful girl with braids intricate and divine, laced in expensive pearls that matched those sweet smiles that penetrated his stomach deep. The way she walked behind the boy that was only years older than both of them-- calling him father -- it filled him with salacious thoughts. He wet his lips as he knelt before the altar. Breath failing him, words failing him.

You can make her bend. No-- she’s just an innocent party.

Alfred flinches, delighting in an internal struggle that threatens to overcome him. He knew these thoughts were wrong, but he couldn’t help them. The girl would go back to her heathen people, delighting in heathenous ways despite the fact that she didn’t belong there. Her creamy white dress tightened at her waist was as light as an angel.

Forgive me for what I’m about to do.

A knock shocked through his prayer and he sucks in a deep breath when he sees it. You walk in with a pause-- and he felt it. The lurch of his hearrt into his stomach, filling his stomach with a bizarre syrupy like excitement as your bare toes walked in, hands folded with pearl and metal jewelry. He recalls this evening’s dinner where you lay tiny touches to his arm, tiny and bright smiles that are unassuming of his cock pulsing in excitement for you. A dark need fills him, almost liquidus with excitement. You were here, and now the voice in his head? Tendrils of temptation to do as he has been planning to do pulls at his joints.

Do it. Do it. Do it!

“Prince Alfred. I hope I’m not intervening?” Your voice was smooth as silk with the honey of his name off your tongue drawing him to rise, unfolding his hands in his cloak. He unpeels it, draping it off to the side as you come to stop in front of him. Your painted pink lips purse with a smile, tempting him further. He leans in, the words heavy as though he had a boulder on his back, weighing him down.

“Not at all.”

He feels his heartbeat thudding with a repetitive THUMP as you give him a blessed smile. The undercurrent of his desire for your body fills him as he glazes over your curves. Then you run up to the altar, looking about with a beautiful giggle.

“Oh, this is beautiful! It’s an altar? I have one at home. Father had Floki make it for me once upon a time.” You bring your index finger to rake across the top of the wood. “It isn’t as pretty as mine to Frigg and Freyja. We eat together. Frigg loves my flowers.” You say innocently. You’re only informing him of your ways, but Alfred feels the need to expel them from your body.

It’s easy, bend her over the altar-- No no no.

Then he backslid. He could. It would be easy. A pause-- and Alfred resists the thoughts pounding in his skull. He crosses the stairs to come behind you. The line sits before him. He should not touch this heathen girl. The daughter of Ubbe. An Ubbesdottir. What would your father say?

What could he say what with his talk of peace?

“We pray. We light candles.” He informs you, his hand coming up the line of your back to push your braids over your shoulders. Your eyes shift over your back to take Alfred’s eyes in. It was first a skipped breath that you shook out of him. He wasn’t entirely sure if you knew the sins you drove him to commit. If you knew-- you should have been ashamed.

“What else do you do?” You ask.

“We ask God to forgive our sins.” He informs, the words tumbling from his lips in a hush whisper.

“Such as?” You ask. Then, you ask him the very question he has been aching you to ask since the moment he saw you. Ask him all about his darkest of sins. He exhales and shifts, increasingly aware of his growing excitement below his trousers. Grandfather. Grandfather was just like him-- tossed of heaven to the depths of hell with a Viking woman. His? His was fierce. This one? An innocent angel that made him sin.

You.

He exhales and shifts closer, pressing his member against your dress. “Carnal lust.” He glances down upon you, hands at the altar. Any semblance of behavior begins to leak slowly out of veins over the floor. You run your fingers over the dinky altar as Alfred presses himself against you, and quite suddenly, you feel his hands raking up your skirt.

“Why does your god not enjoy lust?” You ask-- so, so innocently. As if you don’t know the words that spill out of your lips strewn by desire. Your hand meets his on your leg as a deterrent. Your hand fails to deter him.

“It weakens us… you weaken me. It’sbetter if you don’t fight me.” Alfred accuses, glazing his hand underneath your skirt across smooth legs. You look back to the altar as Alfred finds you wear nothing underneath. He palms your cunt, finding that your weak hand pushes on his in such shock. You were so weak against him, the weaker of princes himself.

“I would never... “ You gasp with his fingers slide down the slit, one long digit slipping into your entrance to the first knuckle, then another would join. Both edge further in, finding that you were positively sopping for him. He angles his fingers deep within you, coating himself in a slick that he knows was caused by him. But it’s so tight, he feels as if he can’t move.

“Christ. You need it, don’t you? Is that why you came here?” Alfred angles in and out, quicker and harder. Your legs wobble as he fucks you, pleasure throbbing across your walls. Alfred soaks up the sight-- wondering what even Athelstan might think of his only son fucking this girl like a true Northman. Would he be proud?

“I… I.” You stutter when he drags his fingers out, leaving your walls clenching in longing for the foreigner between your legs. Your chest heaves and you in turn spread your legs a little wider for him.

The whore wanted this!

You gasp as he pushes you over the altar, hips against yours. This was the ache that he longed for, to take you like a whore and pound out your sin that you inherited from such heathenous upbringing. He tells himself its to save you, as if he could with your hips rolling upon his. Maybe it was less that he wanted to save you and more that he sought to spill his demons into you.

He kept reminding himself of your faults when your eyes took the decision from him. You look back at him with haughty heathen eyes. He could do it. He could take you without a doubt here-- over the altar and screaming through his insatiable hunger that seeks to overcome him. He had to take you. To banish his demons.

“You have sins to account for. Let’s lay them before god, heathen.”

As much as he tried to tell himself this was for you, there was nothing of love about this interaction. He releases his long, hard cock from his trousers, grabbing the shaft. He rubs the head in slow circles around your moist slit up to your aching clit. He slides it down your slit until he found your moist entrance. He sank himself inside of you, mouth popping open into a low moan out of your chest. He met your moan with his own, eyes wide in shock by the blatant claim of his shaft disappearing into your cunt.

My god, how is she this tight?! She’s so hot and wet, of course she’s wet, she needs more of me. More of my cock in this little cunt.

You felt his cock throbbing within your cunt, withdrawing his hips out as Alfred burrows his palms against your skirt. You sloppily slump over the altar, scratching up chunks of wood as he robs you of your purity. He didn’t realize the blood spilling over his dick as you whine out as he moves. You look back to the Prince that let out a predatory shrill, claiming you here in this place where no one should have. The walls were thin, thinner with the guards watching him.

No… this can’t be right.

“A virgin?” Alfred suggests in your ear. You scramble to hold onto the altar, tugging crisp pages of the bible aside you into a rip.

“Yes, I was!” You call back with a tone that is sickingly saccharine to his ear.

She’s a liar… another sin. She deserves this. She deserves to be taken over this altar. She’ll learn if I teach her.

“You’re lying... Hasn’t your father taken you?” Alfred says, sweat beading around his hairline as your breath rocks out in small pants, taking the prince like you were made for this. Any thought of another man exiled from your brain to saturate you with thought of Alfred. Your hips meet his in a constant slap of skin despite your lack of an answer. But yes-- he knows that you want it.

“N… Nooo.” You trail off, Alfred drifting over your back. He presses himself deep, deeper so as his hands shift from your hips, palming the supple flesh of your breasts in his hands as he moves. A lewd moan spills forth from your lips as he molests your nipples, fisting you closer and closer to completion. He knows as much, sinking a hand below your body to caress your aching clitoris. You turn to look at him, laying a sloppy and wet kiss that lays unadulterated by his lust for your body.

“I think so— oh god you feel so good— You’re going to cum all over me aren’t you? Cum and show me what a good daddie’s girl you can be.” He hisses out. His words slice through your mind like a hot knife through butter, revealing the worst of your fantasies for Alfred. Father-- Ubbe. Ubbe. Ubbe!

“Ye… yes!” You shout. Your walls squeeze him impossibly tight and as if you can’t hold it anymore, you cum. A warm wave of lust and completion takes you over, overstimulation buzzing signals of immense pain through your spine out towards your engorged clit and overabused pussy. Alfred’s fingers work the last bit of your orgasm from your clit before he would smile against you, leading his hands to keep you in place on his throbbing cock as he fucks the last moments before his orgasm out with renewed vigor. Then it hits you, liquid lust pumping inside of you. He watches as globs of his cum spill out amongst the blood and limpid cum from your orgasm, drawing you to a completion you weren’t sure you had before before he emptied himself out inside of you. You slump down when he moves away from your form, tucking himself into his pants, confident of what he had done. He filled you; with his sins, with his cum.

“Your father and uncle are waiting for you outside.” Alfred says, turning away from you. It was done… and yes, it was good with him.

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#Alfred #alfred the great #alfred x reader #Alfred vikings #vikings alfred #alfred/reader #alfred the great x reader #alfred the great/reader #vikings/reader #vikings x reader #saxons/reader #vikings reader insert #dark!alfred #tw: a shit ton #honestsycrets #vikings imagine #vikings imagines #viking imagine #athelstan would be mortified

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