#When i read meteor impact i had to lie down for 10 minutes

[anhaplz5]

Meteor impact

[d1tman-blog]

Not to get ll maudlin and shit, but if I seem impatient sometimes,...well, here is an excerpt from my diary, started when I contracted Congestive Heart Failure and Atrial Fibrillation...

Diary Excerpts 3 The background story really starts in my childhood: I contracted Rheumatic Fever when I was 9 years old, a disease that left me with a damaged valve in my heart, and a slight heart murmur.  Before you get started on the diary, put something that mildly buzzes next to your ear. Keep it there a few minutes. That is one of the things I have going on 24/7/365, and have had it for 3 years (tinnitus). Now get a belt and tighten it as tight as you can by hand around your head. that is what I feel 24/7/365:                                                             My life changed drastically and unalterably in early October, 2015. I had gotten that terrible flu that went round Atlanta and did not understand or recognize it's severity until I felt as if I would not draw another breath. I woke up one Sunday morning unable to breathe. I could only breathe sitting straight up. Monday morning I made a doctor appointment with my general practitioner. To make a long story short, I ended up in the hospital in late October  for the 1st of 11 times, sometimes only 5 days per stay, sometiems as long as 9 days (as of 5/23/2018).  I remained in the hospital a week. The flu had developed into pneumonia, and bacteria from the pneumonia damaged my heart even more than the childhood illness did), causing congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart. Complications from these and from the medicines to combat it have also caused renal insufficiency and elevated liver enzymes. I am now on 9 medications to combat the diseases. I have also had two TIAs (mini strokes) and precancerous polyps were removed from my colon. To those who will be conducting and/or involved in my funeral:                                                     Don't spend any more money than necessary to bury me. If I am near death and someone finds me, don't use heroic measures to save me. Just keep me from as much pain as possible. It is in many respects difficult to contemplate death, but the facts and my present condition preclude a long life, so I will end this journey shortly.  I am comforted by the words attributed to Julius Caeser in Shakespeare's novel: " Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear death, Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come." To be honest, I will be glad when this life of misery and pain is over. I wish it would have been different.  I wish that all I had dreamed and aspired to had become reality. The circumstances have dealt a different path though. I have taken a very different road in life than I ever would have imagined. There is so much to say: The loss of broken and unrealized dreams, expectations unfilled, life cut short. I hope my ramblings on Facebook, Twitter and tumblr, and my encounters on this journey called life have had a positive impact on someone, and that I have made a positive difference in someone's life. I will keep a diary starting on page two of this document. I hope to live a long life, but It doesn't seem like that is to be. I have made some tremendous mistakes in my life, but hope the good I have done outweighs the bad. There isn't a day that goes by when I am not saddened unbearably by losing the love of family.  To everyone, I love you.

Diary: 10/18/2016. I felt pretty fair throughout most of the day, although I haven't slept a lot. I haven't really kept track but I believe I slept about 4 hours from 4:30am until 8:30am, then from about 2:30pm until 4:30pm. I feel like **** now. Weak, heart beating hard... I think nearly every day about not living through this any more...Congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart - it is a bitch to live with - no energy, no stamina, hurting or in some type of discomfort constantly. 10/20/2016 I feel a little bit better today - still no energy to speak of. I hurt my back, so am dealing with that in addition to everything else. I think I have made contact with someone - a public defender - who can help Kevin. I stay tired and sleepy nearly all the time... 10/21/2016 Can't sleep. Heart racing, lungs feel tight. 10/22/2016 went back on Proventil inhaler. I think last dose was about 10:45pm 10/21/2016. Have to wait another hour for another dose. can't breathe. Weak stomach tight/bloated. have dry cough. able to sleep 5 hours after 2nd dose of Proventil. Still no energy, no stamina. Throat and mouth dry. slept another 3 hours. Ear infection is back. Ear infection is bothering the hell out of me. Constant ringing. a little sick - don't know if it is from ear infection or other malady - had runny stool several times yesterday. Lost my appetite. Got prescriptions and started back taking them. I hope it gets me feeling better. Kevin's arraignment was Wednesday - charged with felony marijuana possession, misdemeanor marijuana possession, and drug paraphernalia. Finally getting a little hungry. Ate 1/2 Big Mac large meal earlier; Will finish it. Lasix is working me over. 10/23/2016 hard to breathe - can't sleep well. yet am almost overpoweringly sleepy. I finally got a little sleep - about 5 hours. Stomach is cramping, still no energy, no stamina. 10/24/2016 Woke up early - hard to breathe. don't have stamina or energy for ****. Get extremely tired when sitting in a chair and need to lie down and rest, but it takes a long time to sleep - if I am able to - because it is hard to breathe lying down.  made a doctor's appointment for Thursday at 3:30pm. 10/25/2016 same as yesterday. may be getting a little worse. 10/26/2016 my worst day yet. same as the days above, but can't get relief even for a moment. Constant pain and discomfort, tightening band around my head - helluva headache 11/8/2016 Still feel nauseous about 3/4 of the day each day. Doctors think it is the medicine that makes me sick: Indications for some of the meds say will make you sick. Kevin still has shitty attitude. He doesn't get it that he will need to impress the hell out of the jailers to get conditional release program. 11/11/2016 Sick as ****. I hope that is what is causing me to be so confrontational with people rather than me turning into an a**hole. I went off on Jecca. Got jealous because she contacted an old boyfriend of hers. Turns out he called her because he has some type of injury to  his hand and foot and wanted some sympathy. I told her if she continues contact with him I would start hanging with sluts and send her pictures. I told him I would stomp his ass if he kept contacting her. I got pretty nasty with her before we finally made up and resolved it. 11/12/2016 I have been off the diary except sporadically for a while. I thought I was getting better: No such luck. Started driving to class today and threw up all over myself and my car. I am extremely nauseous, and have a tremendous headache.  I get hungry as hell, but then get full after only two or three bites of food. Death would be a blessing. No energy, listless, no ambition, no drive. Headaches are the norm for me, and the ear infection is chronic with constant tinnitus. 11/13/2016 pretty much the same as yesterday. a general feeling of malaise, nauseated. 12/4/2016 I was invited to Christmas dinner. I hope I can have the energy to go. It is getting to the point I don’t even want to be around anyone. I just want to be in the comfort of my own home. Becoming even more of a recluse than normal. New medication regimen seems to be working a little better. Still feel weak and sleepy most of the time. I guess tinnitus will be permanent. 12/12/2016 Was invited to a show free of charge to sell my jewelry. I don’t have the stamina to set up my display, much less be there several hours. Headaches are normal, and tinnitus is constant. 4 days now with no sleep. Period. Zilch. Nada. Bupkiss. 12/24/2016 I can’t make it to the Christmas dinner I was invited to. I don’t have the energy to go. Staying home and cooking chicken with vegetables. 11/14/2017 It has been a long time since the last entry, but what's the point? At least by reading it I discover again the pain and shitty feeling all the time are not new. I don't know what the merit is in that, but it makes me feel like maybe I am not getting worse: I just get the unparralled joy of feeling like total **** all the time: Nausea - constant; headache - constant; tinitus - constant. It is all 24/7/ 365 until I manage to sleep for a little while - 3 or if I'm lucky, 4 hours at a time.  YIPPEE!!! On a different note, Jecca and I are no longer together. When I incurred tremendous financial burdens because of the CHF, she no longer wanted to stick around. It has really done a number on me emotionally, but on the other hand, it wouldn't be fair to want her to stick around and watch me die, becoming a widow in the prime of her life.   I would like at my funeral, Crossing the Bar read during the service: Crossing the Bar   BY ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON Sunset and evening star,    And one clear call for me!   And may there be no moaning of the bar,    When I put out to sea,  

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,    Too full for sound and foam,   When that which drew from out the boundless deep    Turns again home.  

Twilight and evening bell,    And after that the dark!     And may there be no sadness of farewell,    When I embark;  

For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place    The flood may bear me far,   I hope to see my Pilot face to face    When I have cross’d the bar. I started an online ministry - not much participation - only 22 members after a few months, but I post sermons and positive thoughts for the day, most of the time twice a day on the positive thoughts. Well, I will stop blubbering and blathering now. Nothing can change, unless I somehow have the good fortune of being hit by a Mack truck or a meteor falling from the sky to put me out of my misery, or something like that. Yippee kayay. Anecdote: I may seem at times to not have much patience with people when they have their little foibles. I am not cold hearted, and have tremendous empathy when people are truly in pain or have grief. It is the little mundane bs that people grouse about that annoys me. My sister  died when she was 15 and I was 16, from leukemia. My youngest brother died when he was 3 and I was 17, from aplastic anemia. My other brother died when he was 45 and I was 53, from a lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse. Both my parents died several years ago, and I am the only one left in my original family, and the only close relative I have is my son, who is now 30 yrs old. My girlfriend at the time (1977) died in my arms  because she had been to a party and OD'd from booting cocaine.  I was driving north on I-285 just north of Atlanta in 1984 when I saw a car lose control and t-bone another one, splitting it into. They both burst into flames. I was just behind them and drove through the flames, stopped and tried to rescue the people I saw burning in one of the cars. I couldn't get in to them because the flames had engulfed the car and I had to watch them burn, unable to help. I was driving on a state highway near my house when I was still a teenager and saw a car lose control and run into a delivery truck. The truck flipped over on its top, and the car slid in a ditch. When I got to the car (this was before padded steering wheels and air bags) I found the driver with part of the steering wheel sticking out of his throat. Both occupants were dying. All this is to say I have seen far more than my share of death and I have no patience with people who complain about little mundane things. On the other side of the fortune coin, I lost control of my car during a rain storm in which I ran over a board with a nail in it and blew out a tire in the rain slick highway: I rolled several times and was hit with the car jack in the head before coming to a stop at the bottom of a 27 foot embankment, but was not seriously injured. I was with a group of musicians in 1969 during the Piedmont Arts Festival in Atlanta, when we drove to the countryside with 3 cases of Red Ripple wine, using them as seats.  The driver lost control of the van and we rolled several times down an embankment, and all but two bottles of wine broke. None of us were seriously injured. So forgive me if sometimes am a bit impatient and high strung.  A friend once said, "Don't sweat the small stuff".