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mxchellesworld · 4 years ago

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𝟑 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐊𝐢𝐧𝐝 - 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓

𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫 𝐑𝐞𝐢𝐝 𝐱 𝐂𝐚𝐭 𝐀𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐒𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚 𝐫𝐮𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐂𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐞𝐧𝐯𝐲.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: mentions of sex and masturbation

𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 | 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

***

It had been a few days since you’d seen Cat and Spencer. After lunch you decided it was time to make your way back home. A quick exchange of numbers and the promise of seeing each other soon and you were back to your mundane routine of getting adjusted to the city. The short uber ride to your apartment, which they insisted they paid for, was spent answering texts from your friends and confirming you were still alive after they left you.

You spent the rest of the day doing laundry for the week and cleaning bits of your apartment. It was still pretty bleak, with empty walls which you longed to fill with pictures and art. Your room was a bit more lively with knitted blankets your aunt made long ago and the light of the warm lamp in the corner filling the space.

Sunday was bland with the task of getting groceries. You decided to walk since the store was a block away. You made your way down the streets in a simple sweater and leggings, foregoing any makeup. Walking into the store the older lady at the register greeted you with a kind smile.

Picking up a basket you made your way down the isles trying to get your things quickly to get back home and sleep the day away. While searching the snack section you stood in front of the popcorn deciding between buttered or kettle. You heard footsteps and saw a worker make his way down to restock the shelf.

He was tall and you noticed the way his shirt rose as he reached the top shelf. Spencer could probably reach that no problem, you thought to yourself. He caught you staring and turned to you with a smile.

“Having a movie night?” he asked walking closer. You could smell the scent of his cologne, strong but not overpowering.

“Not really haha, but don’t get me wrong a catch up day of my favorite show is definitely on the list,” you replied returning with a small smile.

He leaned in reaching for one of the boxes, subtly boxing you into the space.

“Well this is my favorite kind,” he said handing you the box, “Ya know perfect to amount to eat alone.. or share.”

“Oh,” you said surprised with a chuckle trying to play off the heat rushing to your cheeks.

You were about to respond when you heard a voice from the end of the aisle, “Y/n.”

Think of the devil and he shall appear.

Spencer was walking over to you holding his own basket filled with essentials like milk and bread. He looked like he did on Saturday, wearing those grey sweatpants which made you thank the stars above. On top he had on a simple tshirt and cardigan combo making him look extra cozy.

“Hey Spence,” you said looking past the employee.

“Did you get the popcorn baby?” he said looking the worker up and down.

You furrowed your brow seeing what he was playing at, “Yeah yeah, he was just giving me a recommendation,” you turned back to the worker, “thanks again.”

The worker nodded, red in the cheeks from facing Spencers death glare, before he walked away and rounded the corner.

“What the fuck was that,” you both said at the same time.

“He was just trying to help,” you said waving around the box of popcorn.

“Come on princess you’re smarter than that. He was obviously trying to flirt with you.”

You scoffed before answering, “What don’t tell me you’re jealous.”

“Oh I’m not,” he said with a smirk, “I’m confident in the fact we’ve proved who you belong to.”

You rolled your eyes before he spoke again, “Plus I know a boy like him could never satisfy a greedy little whore like you. Tell me, are the handprints still there?”

You opened and closed your mouth not being able to answer him. The laugh he let out told you he new he had won.

“I think I’m done shopping,” you said walking past him.

“Alright princess have a good rest of your day. But don’t think Cats not hearing about this, and she won’t be very happy.”

You felt your insides heat up at the thought of Cat knowing. What she would do to you.

“Uh huh bye Sir,” you said stressing the title.

You made your way to the older lady who you saw when you walked in, “Find everything alright?” she asked kindly. You nodded and pulled out your wallet to pay.

God she had no idea.

That interaction replayed in your mind from that night into your days at work. Neither of them had texted. Maybe Spencer forgot and never told Cat. The wait for something to happen was torturous.

Your friend had noticed you were spaced out. Looking longingly at your phone during your breaks or lunch. It wasn’t like your feelings were hurt much for being ignored but more so the ache between your thighs was having a reaction. As you predicted trying to use your fingers or that sad vibrator in your bedside drawer was doing nothing to aid your release.

You were out at the cafe around the corner from the office you worked at having lunch with one of your coworkers. She was going on about the night she had with the guy from the bar over the weekend.

“Then he bent me over the couch! God it was so good,” she all but moaned.

“Uh huh.”

“I swear we were up until like 4 am going round after round,” she continued.

“Right.”

“After that we sacrificed a goat on Saturn.”

“Oh wow,” you said looking down at the unlit rectangle next to your sandwich.

“Y/n,” she said snapping her fingers in front of you.

“What,” you said raising an eyebrow.

“You’re being really shitty right now. I’m trying to tell you about how I literally got my back blown out and you’re staring at your phone like it’s gonna unlock the key to your future,” she said exasperatedly.

Welp she wasn’t entirely wrong.

“Abbie I’m sorry. I’m just waiting on a text. But please tell me more,” you said nodding for her to continue.

“No, I wanna know fucked you stupid this weekend to make you act like a lovesick puppy,” she said putting her elbows on the table to rest her face in her palm.

You internally debated telling her. I mean so far she has been the nicest and most welcoming to you, definitely bff material. But on the other hand you didn’t know if you were allowed to bring them up to other people. Technically it wasn’t a rule and what they didn’t know didn’t hurt them.

You took in a deep breath before spilling your guts,” So basically after I noticed you guys were gone I accidentally walked into a sex club then later that night I fucked the owners and now we’re in a throuple type situation.” You ended with an awkward smile and waited for her reaction.

“Oh the bdsm club? Isn’t it like the Library something?” she said casually.

You sat there blinking for a while, “Out of everything I said thats the part that caught your attention.”

“So you had a threesome, very nice, we’ll get to that part. Tell me about the club.”

“Uh ok. We’ll it’s called the Underground Library and it’s what you’d imagine any bdsm lounge would be like. Red lights and sexy music playing in the back. There’s a bar and uh playrooms where you can watch others.”

She hummed taking in the information and sipping on her latte, “So the sex?”

“God it was so fucking good.” You both laughed and you spent the last few minutes of your lunch break telling her about what they did to you. Safe to say you knew your panties would be a mess by the end of the day just replaying those memories in your head.

It was finally Thursday, you were so close to the work week ending and having a night with Abbie. The plan was for her to help you do a little shopping for your home then redecorate and spend the rest of the night sipping on wine with a pizza. Absolutely perfect.

The day went by yet again without a notification from the people you wanted. At this point you came to the conclusion the incident was forgotten and left in the past.

Friday you woke up around 10 and let yourself lay in bed, answering emails and lounging around until noon for you to get ready for your day with Abbie. After a while you got up to make a quick breakfast and make a list of items you planned on buying.

You thought about getting a throw for the couch and some nice curtains. Maybe some wall decor. You were so excited to finally have a place to yourself and style it to your liking.

Having roommates in college was fun but the solidarity of being able to walk around your own place basically naked and sing as loud as you wanted was liberating.

Noon rolled around and you made your way to the bathroom to take a shower. The water pressure on your shoulders was breaking through to all the stress of the week and you instantly felt it melting away.

You hopped out, wrapping yourself in a fluffy towel and looking in your closet for what to wear. You settled for jeans and an oversized flannel, putting some comfy booties on your feet. You looked at your phone to see Abbie had texted and she would be on her way in 45 minutes. Using the remaining time you did your hair and makeup, just the basics for your day out.

Your phone dinged with a simple text that read “here”, you grabbed your purse and the list on your kitchen counter and made your way to the elevator.

You saw her little red car right in front of your building. The sound of music playing through the speakers could be heard from a few feet away.

You pulled the door open and she greeted you with a big smile, “Hey! You ready to spend away that paycheck,”

You laughed before answering, “You know it.”

The trip was made with nothing but laughs and a horrible mix of you guys singing to the radio.

After a few hours and trips to multiple stores you guys stopped at one of the vendors in the mall to get some soft pretzels. Looking around you saw a fancy lingerie store and an idea popped into your head.

You tapped Abbie on the shoulder to get her attention, “Hey I know you’re dead on your feet but theres one store I wanna go to. Do you wanna just grab a table? I’ll be like 20 minutes tops.”

“Yeah no prob Y/n/n,” she said holding her hand out for the bags you had in your hand, “this cinnamon twist is calling my name.” You both shared a giggle before you turned and skipped over to the store.

A woman wearing a dark purple sweater greeted you, “Hello darling, are you looking for anything in particular?”

“Nope I’m just taking a look around, thanks,’ you said with a smile.

Walking around you saw a display of a matching set. It was baby pink and lacy and it left little to the imagination of the mannequin. Perfect.

You looked over the table finding the set in your size and walking to the dressing rooms. Quickly you basically ripped your clothes off, speeding to get the fabric on your curves. It was stunning, complimenting your skin and hugging your curves.

You pulled your phone out and hit the messaging icon. If they weren’t gonna text then you had to bite the bullet and put on your big girl panties to do it first.

Typing in each of their contact names you made a groupchat and hit the camera option. You lifted your hand to get a flattering angle and gave the mirror your best pout.

“Do you think it’s a good color?” Sent.

One last glance in the mirror and you knew this was going home with you. Changing back into your clothes you slipped your phone in your pocket and made your way to the register.

“Just this for you today honey,” the woman asked.

“Yup,” you said pulling out your wallet. You heard the chime of a text and a smirk came across your face. Finishing the transaction you were excited to see what their reaction was.

Walking back to Abbie you saw her on the phone and raised your brow in question. She started to get up and you took some of the bags from her hands. Once she was done with the call she put her phone in her purse and looked over to you.

“Change of plans. Sam, the guy from the club, called and he’s coming over to mine tonight. So raincheck on the wine and pizza?”

You waved a hand dismissing what she said, “You’re all good, go catch that dick.” She laughed and pulled out her keys as you guys made your way out of the mall.

In the car you pulled your phone out to check the message. It was from Cat.

“I’m not sure. Maybe your little friend from the grocery store can help you pick.”

So Spencer did tell her.

You quickly replied, “You know green isn’t a good look on either of you.”

Another chime. “Why would I be envious? Last time I checked you came on my fingers, in my bed.”

You felt your cheeks heat up at her words. You tried to think of a response but this time Spencer responded.

“Come to the lounge at 7. And wear that underneath your clothes.”

“Yes Sir.” was all you said and the conversation ended.

Looks like you and Abbie both had other plans for the night anyways.

𝐚/𝐧; 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫 𝐢'𝐦 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐧 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐢𝐭. 𝐢 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐮𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐫!!

#spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #cat adams x reader #cat adams smut #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #criminal minds smut #chellewrites

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floatingpetals · 5 years ago

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Boys in Blue || Pt. 10

Pairings: cop!Stucky x F!Reader

Warnings: angst, PTSD/ Panic attacks, sad buckys sad

Word Count: 3000+

Summary: (Cop AU) There was just one crappy thing after enough that happened to her. It possibly couldn’t get any worse, or so she thought until she saw the dreaded flashes of red and blue behind her. Could things get any worse?

A/N: Posting this suppperr late at night, but I finally got this chapter how I wanted it! Huzzah! I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve updated this, so to all you who are sticking around to see how this goes THANK YOU!!! I hope you all enjoy this part, let me know what you think! Enjoyy!

The gifs are not mine, credit to the owner.

Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Series Masterlist

“Hey, Sarge!”

Bucky’s paused mid-type and glanced over his shoulder. He let out a sigh and nodded to the Sam before returning back to the report in front of him. The chair next to his desk scratched against the floor, causing Bucky to flinch at the harsh sound. Sam plopped himself in the vacant seat and leaned back to watch Bucky type away.

“Hey, Sam.” He mumbled. There was a snort in reply that was less than amused with Bucky’s half-assed greet.

“Oh come on. That’s all I get when you’ve been gone for six weeks?” Sam teased. Leaning his elbow against the desk, Sam rolled his eyes. “Thought we were better friends than that.”

Bucky let out a heavy sigh, willing some of the tension to slip from his shoulders. It wasn’t that he was irritated with Sam per se. His morning was off to a rough start after learning he wasn’t going to be allowed back on patrol anytime soon if he wasn’t willing to agree to the terms. Naturally, Bucky refused. Which meant none other than desk duty until he could suck it up. Steve already gave him an ear full, but Bucky wasn’t having it.

“Sorry, Sam.” He said with a heavy exhale. “Just not in the mood today.”

“When are you not?” Sam snorted. When he didn’t get a return quip, his face dropped the smirk and smoothed over with a serious expression. He could sense the shift in Bucky’s moods, catching on that this wasn’t the time. “Hey man, I know you and I joke around, but I just want you to know if you ever need to talk with anyone I’m here. I’ve never been shot before, but I know can’t be easy to go through that.”

Bucky didn’t respond right away, his jaw tensing at the thought. However, he slowly started to nod, feeling a tad lighter knowing Sam cared a little. It didn’t mean he was going to take him up on the offer, but it was a nice sentiment. It appeared enough to appease Sam; he clapped a hand on Bucky’s shoulder stopping short with Bucky’s wince.

“Still sore, huh?” He asked. Bucky grumbled and nodded, rolling his shoulder to alleviate the tension. “Welp. Don’t expect special treatment. You already got that with your girl back home.”

Now it was Bucky’s turn to snort, shaking his head at Sam as he stood. Sam started to walk away, but not with it out turning around to walk backward and point a finger directly at Bucky. Amused, Bucky watched as he almost tripped over an open box by Natasha’s desk in the process. She shot him a disgruntled look and grabbed it out of the way before he could crush the files.

“I’m serious. I’m not gonna let you get all soft because of this.”

“Alright Sam,” Bucky laughed, waving his annoying but thoughtful coworker away. Turning back to his desk, Bucky’s eyes landed on the folder with the conditions to his return. His eyes turned dark.

Snatching the folder off the desk, he shoved them into a drawn and all but slammed it shut. The simmer of irritation grew again, replaying the conversation he had with Captain Fury and then Steve right after. It just wasn’t fair. He didn’t need to have the therapy as they wanted. Why did he need to do that?

A throat cleared behind him. He tensed, feeling daggers being thrown his way. Slowly, he turned his head to look over his shoulder. Natasha stared at him with a brow raised, her lips pulled down into a disproving frown. Sheepishly, he waved over his shoulder and spun around to his desk with blazing cheeks. Alright, so mental note to keep his irritation in check. Sucking in a deep breath, Bucky started back with his reports, biting back a groan.

“So I tried to convince him it’s what he needed and that if he wanted to get back on patrol, he just needed to get it done,” Steve stated hotly, waving his beer glass around as he paced in front of the television and explained the day he had to Y/N. She sat on the couch, her legs curled up under and watched him sadly pace back and forth.

Today was the first day for Bucky to return, Steve had already gone back a week earlier after the doctor gave Bucky the all-clear. He wasn’t needed to stay around and help, so his Captain called him back in. He himself had already done the mandatory therapy session and done his tests. Just today he was given the all-clear to go back on patrol, however, he hated leaving Bucky behind.

“He just got all weird and snapped at me. He seems to think he doesn’t need and will eventually be let back on patrol, despite Fury telling him that isn’t gonna happen.” Steve sighed. Y/N patted the seat beside her, sensing his slow descent into pointing fingers at himself. Sinking into the spot beside her, Steve let out a heavy sigh and leaned against her shoulder. She wrapped her arm around him and began scratch behind his ears.

“It’s his first day back,” Y/N said quietly. “Let’s let him get settled first, and when he realizes how much desk duty sucks, he’ll do what Fury wants.”

Steve made a face, shaking his head.

“It’s not just that.” He began. “Bucky needs to go to therapy. Not just to get cleared, but the whole thing just really messed with him. I don’t think he realizes just how bad, but I see him just be so tense about every little noise. I’m worried about him.”

Y/N sighed sadly, nodding along with his answer. She had seen it too. Bucky would flinch at loud noises and his eyes would dart around wide with fear. It would only be a flash, but it was long enough for her and Steve to spot it.

“You’re right.” She agreed. “But when has he ever listened to you first time around?”

Steve scoffed and shook his head. He glared at the wall and took a long gulp from his beer.

“It used to be the other way around.” He muttered, the fond memory of their college coming back to him. Usually, it was him that ignored Bucky. Had been since he could remember. It seemed like a switch flipped overnight and suddenly Bucky was the one being unreasonable. “I just don’t understand.”

“I know,” Y/N sighed. “It’s even more frustrating when the man won’t walk with us about it. But we can only push so much.”

Steve laid his head against hers, eyes falling shut to her still scratching the skin behind his ear. He hummed in agreement, despite his instincts telling him this was wrong. Bucky needed help, but Y/N was right. They couldn’t push him into doing something he didn’t want. Just because they saw the issues, didn’t mean Bucky was willing or even remotely ready to admit he needed the help himself. For now, Steve decided to keep a close enough eye on Bucky as he could. Only time would tell how well that would go.

Clock in, sit down, sift through the countless amounts of paperwork, fill them out, hit submit, and do it all over again until 6. Three weeks he’s been doing this, and all three weeks had been pure torture. Bucky had thought if he kept up with his refusal to step foot in the therapist’s office, Fury would give in and let him back on active duty. So far, the old stubborn mad hadn’t budged once. But Bucky was just a stubborn as him.

“Yeah, Steve I can run to the store.” Bucky was walking back to his car after another groundbreaking day stuck in his desk. His phone was cradled against his ear as he fumbled for his keys in his pocket. Steve was out on his route and called him up knowing Bucky was off. The fridge was almost empty, and Steve was getting sick of take out.

“I’ll send you a list of things I need,” Steve said absently on the other end. “And don’t get that weird bread again. Just get the 9 grain.”

“Fine. I’ll text when I’m on my way back.” Bucky hummed and buckled in, turning on the engine. “Talk to you later.”

Steve said goodbye before Bucky hung up and tucked his phone in his pocket. He sat there for a moment just staring at his dash, his heart heavy and his thoughts dark. It seemed the past few weeks that’s what his whole world seemed like. True, he had two people who loved him and cared about him, but something just felt off. He was getting bored, sick of his day to day. That had to be all, he thought. It wasn’t anything more than boredom.

Sucking in a shuddering breath, Bucky threw the car in reverse and backed out. Opting to ignore the sadness, he went on about the rest of his day and headed to the store. It had been a while since he had gone someplace other than his house or work, especially alone. Y/N had been fairly busy with her clients the past few weeks and hadn’t really had nights that allowed them to take her out on a dinner. Steve would usually do the grocery shopping on his way home from work, so Bucky never really needed to leave the apartment. It still didn’t make this any less than unusual. he was a grown adult who's done this countless time before. Yet even as he wandered the aisles and filled the cart there was still something off about him and he was getting really sick of it.

A sharp cry behind him made him flinch and shot a startled look over his shoulder. A baby was fussing in it’s seat, grabbing out to it’s mom who was trying to soothe the child while she grabbed things from the shelf. Bucky exhaled loudly, ignoring the thumping in his ears. He pushed his cart out of the aisle and went to the meat section, willing his body to relax. This was ridiculous, he chastised himself. He wasn’t in danger here.

As he bent over to look over the steak options there was another clatter, a series of bangs that ricochet off the high ceilings. It made Bucky jump, the hair on the back of his neck standing on end while he spun around. Down a ways at the top of an aisle, a lady had hit a shelf with her cart that sent several of the metal cans flying against linoleum and rolling noisily away. She cursed loudly and bent to pick them up.

Bucky shakily turned back to the meat, grabbing a package before he threw it in the cart. His hands trembled as he pushed the cart towards the checkout, confused and slightly frustrated. What was going on with him today? Things like this had never bothered him before. It was just a baby and a few cans hitting the ground. Why was his mind making him react like this? Why now?

A lump started to grow in his throat, the shrill beep of the scans as the cashier did her job caused a tick with each item. The frustration grew, but so did the anxiety. He didn’t even notice when the cashier was done until she called out louder to him over the drone in his ears.

“Sir?” She asked concerned.

Blinking rapidly, Bucky looked up and stared at her for a split second.

“Card.” He muttered, the light bulb turning on. “That’s right. You need me to swipe.”

The cashier giggled and nodded, blushing lightly at the bashful grin he sent her way. He swiped the card, ignoring the way his fingers shook. The bagger set all his bag in the cart and bade him goodnight. Bucky nodded mindlessly, flashing him a hallow smile.

He hated how jumpy he had been tonight. His heart hadn’t once stopped pounding in his ears, there was an itch under his skin. While he put the bags in his car, his breathing began to pick up rapidly. Catching the side of the car, Bucky ducked his chin against his chest and tried to suck in air. A weight of terror sat on his chest, making it harder to breathe and harder to keep his wits.

Shit, he thought. Somewhere in his frantic mind, he realized he was having a panic attack. Gasping for air, he sank to the concrete, leaning against his open door. Bucky clutched his head, pulling and tugging at his locks.

Quit freaking out, quit freaking out, quit freaking out! Bucky chanted, but to no avail.

Suddenly, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He fumbled with the phone, barely glancing at the name before answering.

“Hey, Buck. Steve was wondering if you could grab-?”

“Y/N?” Bucky gasped. There was a pause.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?”

Bucky shook his head, the panic growing higher and higher. He couldn’t do this; he couldn’t stop it. The world became white noise, barely making out Y/N’s frantic pleas.

“Bucky! Where are you? Steve and I can come get you, but baby, you need to tell me where you are!”

“Grocery, grocery store.” Bucky panted. He heard her shout to someone on the other end, Steve no doubt. A flurry of noises as they rushed out the door. Then her soft soothing voice came back on the line.

“Okay, baby.” She began. “Steve and I are on the way. I need you to listen to me. Can you do that for me?”

Bucky nodded, gasping for air as tears started to fall down his cheeks.

“I need you to use your words, baby.”

“Y-yes.” He croaked.

“Okay good. Now I need you to take a deep breath with me. Can you do that?”

Bucky nodded, clutching his chest as he listened to Y/N. She took in a steady deep breath before loudly letting it go. Bucky struggled to follow, the panic still gripping tightly to his chest. Yet, Y/N never stopped. She whispered soft words of encouragement and kept repeating her breathing.

“You’re doing so good baby.” She cooed softly. Bucky’s eyes fell shut; his breathing not as bad as it once was. Now his body shook, his heart still pounded in his chest, but at least it wasn’t in his ears. “We’re right at the stoplight. Give us two minutes and we’ll be right there.”

Bucky mumbled something incoherent, his body sagging against the car. He heard a car pull up next to him. It barely made it into park before both doors were swung open and footsteps rushed to him. Soft hands framed his face, a familiar comforting smell wafting into his senses that caused his eyes to flutter open.

Y/N was kneeling between his legs, her face twisted in concern with tears threatening to spill. His gaze turned up to Steve who was standing behind Y/N, looking equally as worried and troubled. Sitting there wallowing in the outcome of his worst panic attack to date, Bucky felt helpless. He felt weak and useless. He was a cop couldn’t even make it one trip alone to the grocery store without having a full-blown panic attack. How ridiculous was that?

“How are you feeling?” Y/N asked quietly.

“Like shit.” Bucky voice cracked. Y/N twisted to look up at Steve. He let out a heavy exhale and shook his head. Y/N turned back to Bucky and gently took his hands.

“Let's get you off the ground and Steve can take you home.” Y/N instructed. She stood and helped Bucky stand on shaky legs before passing him off to Steve’s waiting arms. Bucky mumbled thanks and dug into his pocket to hand over to Y/N. Y/N pressed a gentle kiss to his chin. “We’ll get you home, get you some food and snuggle during a movie later. Okay?”

Bucky nodded sluggishly, leaning heavily on Steve. Steve didn’t seem bothered by Bucky’s added weight, but Y/N could see it on his face. This rattled him just as much as it rattled her. The two shared a knowing glance before Steve directed him to the front seat of the car. Y/N and Steve both shared a quick kiss in goodbye with Y/N saying she’d put the cart up and meet them at his apartment.

Steve pulled away, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel. Bucky glanced over, his heart tightening in his chest. Only this time it was for a different reason. He hated seeing Steve and Y/N in pain, especially over him. He hated how distraught the two of them were when he was shot. He hated how they both looked so broken and helpless with how he was now. While he’d hate every second of it, Bucky knew what he needed to do. Turning back to the window, Bucky took in a deep cleansing breath and let out the denial with an exhale.

“I’m going to do the therapy.” He mumbled. Steve’s ears perked up, his head swiveling around to stare at Bucky.

“Really?” Steve asked uncertainly.

“Yeah,” Bucky bobbed his head. “I didn’t think I was that bad with how everything went down. Clearly, this was the wakeup call I needed.”

“That’s… That’s good.” Steve said, his voice growing excited. “This will be good for you, Buck.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bucky grunted and stared out the window. “Don’t have to say I told you so.”

“Wasn’t gonna.”

“Lair.”

“Jerk.”

“Punk.”

Silence filled the car, the two smirking in the opposite directions. The air felt lighter between them, no longer was Steve unintentionally pressuring Bucky into this and Bucky wasn’t putting a wall to fight back. Steve reached over the center console and tenderly took Bucky’s hand in his. Bucky’s heart skipped a beat and he squeezed Steve’s hand.

“Love you, Buck.”

“Love you too, Steve.”

Boys in Blue Taglist: (CLOSED!!!)

@debgreenleaf / @thorins-queen-of-erebor / @merigoldcaroline / @urbanrights/ @taliarosej00 / @stuckysheart / @thenightkillers / @desertrose-saku / @weyheycraicey / @apocalypse-zombiie / @inspiration2001 / @impalaimages/ @reading-stan / @angelicdisgrace / @nastybuckybarnes / @mazarinqueen / @neverforget-whereyoubelong / @hayliz20 / @jessieray98 / @cs-please / @forsaken-letters / @anything–marvel / @all-fandomthings / @jbug491 / @marvelobsessedteen / @monikawhatthefuck / @myrabbitholetoneverland / @wingardiumlevidonewithlife / @darkblueeyedperson / @supernaturallover2002/ @savemesteeb / @juliet12345678 / @virtualsheepeat / @flyawaybay / @marvelous-capsicle / @fandom-addict-aesthetics / @chelzwwefan / @babygirlizz / @superhero2552 / @hermionesalvatore84 / @kianya-loves / @literalangels / @grey-stardancer / @krazyk99 / @avngrsinitiative / @bohemianrhapposts / @secretagentben / @javapeach / @mizzzpink / @capslut2014

Perma Tag: (CLOSED)

@dolphinpink310 / @breezy1415 / @hymnofthevalkyrie / @sebbyismyking / @vivideley / @cherrynat / @heelsandfaces / @lovely-geek / @libbymouse / @the-crime-fighting-spider / @dkpink123 / @moderapoppins / @chuckennuggets1213 / @jack4xx / @witchymarvelspacecase / @xxxunluvablexxx / @mannatgalhotra / @kingslaxerpark / @xxashy999xx / @silver-starburst / @cartersbarnes / @thinkwritexpress-official / @feelmyroarrrr/ @m-a-t-91 / @pizzarollpatrol / @sea040561 / @thefridgeismybestie / @sergeantjbuckybarnes / @jasura / @palaiasaurus64 / @teller258316 / @disagreetoagree / @lazinessisalliknow / @palaiasaurus64 / @bfuckjames / @sxdapxpcutis / @doraola / @kkaos15 / @tylerrose931617 / @mummy-woves-you / @claraoswinns / @buckybarneshairpullingkink / @delicatelyherdreams / @thisismysecrethappyplace / @dsakita / @look-to-the-stars-and-wish / @tomhollandtrashtm / @delicatelyherdreams / @cuddle-me-muke / @joyfulzipperpersoneclipse / @lisadickenson / @revenqers / @dannydelay / @musicgirl234 / @iamwarrenspeace / @breathlesspeter / @thebunkerofatlas / @geeksareunique / @ravennightingaleandavatempus / @mcdesij / @unlikelygalaxygiver / @tranquility-or-chaos / @bandbooktvaddict / @mywinterwolf / @piensa-bonito / @nevernotfangirling / @cutie1365 / @harryngtonewithyourshit / @slytherinqueenie / @famouslastlove / @riseandshibe / @blizzbx / @electra-hxart / @lianadelphius / @steebrogurz / @foundthezucchini / @bi-bi-bi-bisexualz / @whileinparis / @for-the-love-of-the-fandom / @delva-stardust / @awkwardfangirl2014 /

(Let me know if I missed you, the strike means I can’t tag you for some reason.)

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jlf23tumble · 5 years ago

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Recap: Radio City Live 2012

Welp, it’s been a long time since I recapped atcha, and this one’s been sitting in my “to do” folder since forever, so as a pubic-adjacent tattoo once wisely told me, might as well! This recap was requested by @quietasides, and yikes, I think your request was more than a year ago? Maybe? I sure hope it’s worth the wait! Today, we’re gonna journey back to summer 0-12 (specifically, July 21, 2012), when the D did an interview for Radio City Live (specifically, Radio City 96.7)…the full clip is at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZcAsHX63IU, and it’s only 7 minutes long, so you know (I know, you know) I want you to watch it in full, but if you want the absolute highlight, it’s boner city, population: two, perfectly giffed here, https://quietasides.tumblr.com/post/102154509421/yalright. Before we get this chaos started, I’ll just say in my defense that there is ALWAYS a lot of cross-talk and flirting and inside jokes (quiet asides, if you will), so it’s worth watching any interview a few times to check out your particular fave because odds are he’s doing something subversive. Shanyway, let’s do this!

I’m all for those subtle public comfort moments, but I’m pretty sure this leg spread isn’t strictly necessary...as ever, Niall’s the most relatable, is this how you do it, guys? Guys?!

The action giffed above starts at the 30-*second* mark, with Zayn pointing out Harry’s condition, Louis’s dazed sneak peek, god, the entire convo that happens between Louis and Harry in the span of a few seconds while this poor interviewer’s just tryin’ to do his job, completely oblivious to it all. How many times in those five years did Liam have to take the wheel, just as he does here? Anyway, it’s all terribly exciting, so Louis has to jump up and sit in a different way to hide his dick—and check it out for himself—as Liam hits the talking points, but me as Niall, you ain’t slick!

The interviewer HAS TO TALK ABOUT THE FANS, how dare they do what they’re supposed to do, which is to scream their heads off, so Louis tells him quite seriously that he’s “actually” going slightly deaf in his right ear, and everyone says the word tinnitus in various soft and hard i’s until we can move on to the next (surprisingly hard-hitting) question: “Have you had any really bad experiences with the fans yet, any weird threats?” And according to Liam, Louis has had a weird one, and the interviewer’s all set to dig, but Louis says it’s dark and not really worth talking about (cheers for bringing it up, Liam), and google tells me it was something to do with a kidnapping plot, which yikes. There’s a cross-talked joke from Louis that stitches Niall up, but I’m damned if I can hear it, five replays later.

Moving on, is the D ready for 10,000 scousers screaming tonight, and u know what? They totally are! “We love allllll scousers,” Louis says, rather cryptically as Liam attempts to deep-throat a mic:

“What are you gonna sing?” the interviewer flirts at all of them while shoving a mic at Harry, who in a boner daze says, “Weeeeeeeee are gonna do One Thing...Up All Night” (okay, we geddit), and the interviewer wonders if What Makes You Beautiful will be on the list, too, and Harry’s delivery on, “It’s a mystery!” is a pure delight.

The roster for tonight’s concert is “massive,” so who do they want to collaborate with from this (Louis voice insert) MASSIVE lineup tonight? Labyrinth is someone (??) Niall wants to collaborate with, but Harry is all about Little Mix, and there are a lot of all-encompassing hand gestures trying to convey what a perfect collab it would be, and boy, he’s not wrong (then or now, I would love to see it). All the rambling about the One D/Little Mix collaboration or connection and the wild arm gestures earns him a “the wind makes nice waves/that’s true”_1.0,mp3, and I think that’s neat.

OUT OF NOWHERE, the interviewer says someone called blah blah wants to know if you’d ever pose naked, and Liam’s flat “wow.” (yes, he inserted that period) feels hella ironic, but the interviewer presses on with, “No, never?” and shoves the mic in Louis’s face because, yeah, I suppose if you were wondering who would be first, he’d be your guy?? Liam says he would if the money was good (noted!!), which Louis clarifies as “for charity”, mmmmhmmmm, “we’d want BIG MONEY for charity,” Liam parrots.

Good news, this is ALSO the interview that has this guy asking them who’s the biggest party animal, pointing the mic to Harry and saying it has to be him, but Louis sets us all straight: “I think it used to be me, but I’ve settled down” (okay), with Harry adding, “he’s grown up” (OKAY), move your arm, dude:

“Harry and Louis, you’re best mates, any other bromances in the band? You two are really close, we know that,” just, stop it, my heart! “We all get on,” says Louis, “we get on with different people at different stages…,” and you know what, I’m not even listening.

This guy wants to know about the bad press stories and how they cope, and Liam straight-up lies, “I don’t read too much of it,” but I’m most curious about Louis saying he saw a story recently that was even MORE over the top than them all being dead at various points in their two-year-history, and I wanna knowwwwwwwwwww.

“Where do you see yourselves in twenty years’ time?” Liam hasn’t expected to get this far in two years, prompting Louis to say that Liam will be the new Gary Barlow, for sure (Liam’s aiming high, Robbie all the way!). This prompts the interviewer to restate that as Liam being the first to exit the band, and Louis’s zingy delivery on his words being twisted, I felt that. Like, I litcherally felt it. So who will go out first, this guy wonders, and Louis explains that the band’ll be over when that happens, god, time to hum a few bars of “Too Young.” Liam thinks that if you leave the band, you’ll just sit around your house doing nothing, which, inchresting.

Niall and Zayn have been fairly quiet up until now, but now it’s Niall’s time to shine! This guy has a bunch of deep 'Pool questions, and Niall’s ready to not only nail (heh) all of them, but to do so in a scouse accent no less. Talent!! I can’t even recap these because they’re fast and hella specific, so tl/dr, Niall wins!! Even the interviewer is impressed! It’s a great excuse for them to all touch each other a lot:

Just so you know, Niall’s willy got hurt in this incident. Sigh. I know there are other interviews with this back drop, and I could have sworn he also got pushed off the couch in this one, but alas, that injury was probably right after or before this one.

#recap #radio city live #2012 #the antics!!!!

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choices-binglebonkus · 6 years ago

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On the subject of The Royal Romance/The Royal Heir...

I really love The Royal Romance. And while I’m excited for The Royal Heir, I’m also extremely worried about the fate of this series.

Given the popularity of this series, Pixelberry obviously has a lot of opportunity to make bank off the countless diamond scenes, outfits, possibly even collectibles (you know good ol’ PB) they’re undoubtedly going to implement in the game.

I can see this series going down the route of The Freshman+ series. I LOVED The Freshman when it was still new. Book one and book two had me totally hooked. Then...book 3 came along. I didn’t like that one, but hey, no biggie, book 4 was a little better. Oh wait, The Sophomore is coming out next? Whaaa? Hmm...

After book 3 of TF, I can honestly say the series never felt the same to me. I either hated or disliked every book that came after. It became increasingly apparent that the writers were running out of juice as the characters became diluted versions of themselves, had unrealistic or unfitting changes, or became outright detestable.

The series stopped being enjoyable and to me, and ended up feeling like one gigantic hive of petty drama, terribly written villains, and a once-charming MC who became more and more of a Mary-Sue as the series went on.

Most importantly, Pixelberry began to try to squeeze every last drop of revenue from the players as the series went on. Let’s compare total amount of diamonds for every diamond choice or outfit in The Freshman book 1 to The Senior, including all routes where you romance a different LI.

The Freshman book 1 presented one diamond choice each chapter, two diamond choices at most, and the grand total of all the diamonds you can spend in TF book 1 is 650.

Now, let’s take a look at The Senior’s total diamond cost. You’re not going to believe this, but I swear. I swear. The total diamond cost for every possible diamond option in chapter one alone comes to the cost of...drumroll please...315 diamonds. That is half the amount of total diamonds spent in TF’s first book, and it’s only chapter one. The grand total of all the diamonds you can spend in The Senior is 1,148.

Obviously this isn’t an enormous difference, but it’s a pretty big one; 650 is 56.6 percent of 1,148. Pixelberry clearly made conscious efforts to lure players into buying hairstyles, outfits for almost every occasion, and even pointless collectibles that have minimal impact on the story.

So, how does this tie into The Royal Romance? Well, it’s been stated that The Royal Heir isn’t a fourth book, but rather a new series with the same cast. If I were to guess, I’d say there would be about three books in this series, as that seems to be the magic number for a lot of Pixelberry’s series.

What, you may ask, will Pixelberry use as the plot in each of these books? Obviously since it’s named The Royal Heir, MC is going to have a baby with her LI. We’re also going to go on our honeymoon, attend Savannah and Betrand’s wedding, and learn more about Cordonia’s history, according to one of PB’s blog posts. However, it seems that most of this can be accomplished in just one book. In fact, the only thing in this list that would probably take more than one book without a huge timeskip is MC having her baby.

This brings me to my next point. The average amount of chapters between the three TRR books is 20, which is actually a few chapters longer than many of the books. Given this information, it is likely that a lot of this plot can be accomplished within a very, very reasonable span of maybe two or three chapters max per event, which leaves a LOT of potential for filler, fluff, and most importantly, diamond scenes with all the LI’s and friends.

And once again, let’s not forget the highlight of this series: the baby. Pixelberry has included a LOT of collectibles in the more recent books. RCD, The Junior/Senior, VoS, It Lives, TE, BB, NB, Platinum, hell, the collectibles system even dates all the way back to Endless Summer. That said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect some kind of collectible system for TRH. Maybe toys for the baby, pregnancy memorabilia, or they’ll go the route of The Junior and make us decorate the baby’s room. All for the price of 17-20 diamonds per item.

Ah, but even though the highlight of this series is the pregnancy of MC and the birth of the baby, people are definitely going to splurge on scenes with their love interest. The hanging out scenes with them usually cost...eh, I’d say maybe 12-20 diamonds. The sex scenes are almost always 30 diamonds. Since we’re exclusive with our love interest now, similarly to TRR book 3, I’m willing to bet Pixelberry will offer us as many scenes with our chosen love interest as possible. Want to replay and romance a different love interest? Welp, it’ll cost you. Even though you’ve paid for the scenes with one LI in a different route, you’ll have to pay again with a different LI.

Finally, the most important takeaway from all this, if TRR/TRH does end up getting dragged out and beaten to death like The Freshman+ series, it’ll not only be extremely expensive for all the players, but the quality of the series will almost certainly drop.

And since I think The Royal Romance is the best series with the word “romance” in the title, I really can’t stand to go through the series dilapidating like The Freshman did.

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takerfoxx · 5 years ago

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The Rise of Skywalker Review

All right, new year, new decade, and all that jazz. Now, I do have a few things I wanna say about reflecting back on where I was and where I am now, personal growth and all that, but first, I have some major I need to get out of my system, something that’s been eating at my mind all week, something I really need to sit down and dissect to properly suss out my thoughts and feelings.

And that thing is this: what the fuck happened with The Rise of Skywalker?!

Now, just for the record, I’m that lapsed Star Wars fan who grew up with the original trilogy, who had a full shelf of EU novels that I read and reread over and over until their covers fell off, who spent untold hours replaying both of the Knights of the Old Republic games, was majorly let down by the prequels and became disillusioned by the franchise as a result, who reacted to the news of Disney’s acquisition of the franchise with cyncisim, who thought that The Force Awakens was decent but otherwise substance-less knock-off of A New Hope, who was bored to tears by Rogue One, who skipped Solo entirely, but who actually was surprising engaged and receptive to the subversive themes and new places that The Last Jedi took the franchise even if it was very flawed structurally and thought that it was the best Star Wars film since Return of the Jedi.

And hell, let’s just state my reasons right now. The Last Jedi came out at a time when I was just so tired of people trying to recapture lightning in a bottle with once-great franchises that had lived on long past their expiration date with trying to pass off clearly inferior knock-offs to their original installments as sequels. I mean, it can work, sure. Both of the Creed movies followed the Rocky movie formula pretty closely but were still great, and even if it didn’t click with me the way it did with other people, Fury Road was a fantastic film. The thing is though, both of those movies were still being handled by their original creators, specifically Sylvester Stallone and George Miller, while my beloved Star Wars and Jurassic Park had become divorced from their daddies and were now being handled by people who just. Didn’t. Get it.

And then The Last Jedi came along and was all, “Shut up about bloodlines, they don’t matter! Your main character is not the descendant of some already established character, she’s just some rando Force-sensitive that caught up in all this and decided to answer the call, so let her stand on her own! The Jedi were a well-meaning but immensely flawed, so leave them in the annuals of history and stop venerating them! Same with your heroes! Also, your Resistance has its hands dirty too because it’s a fucking war and war makes monsters of everybody while the little people suffer, sometimes you need to listen to the people in charge instead of being a hothead bucking the system, and the intimidating villains in black are in truth a bunch of insecure man-children playing dress-up to make them feel better about themselves and are pretty pathetic until they take that last step and become actual threats because that is how fascism works!”

Do you realize just how refreshing all of that was? Oh my God, is the Star Wars franchise actually…moving forward? Are we getting new stuff that’s not hampered by George Lucas’s unbearably hackneyed writing?

Yes, the whole Finn and Rose sidequest contributed nothing to the plot and ultimately went nowhere. Yes, the whole Poe vs. Admiral Holdo had the looming question of “Why doesn’t she just tell Poe that she’s got a plan instead of doing everything to set the team rebel off?” which undercut its message. These are major problems, I acknowledge that. The thing is, they are easily fixable problems that would have been smoothed out by a few more script treatments. It sucks that they weren’t, but as for me, they were roadbumps, not dealbreakers. I noticed them, I saw that they were major problems, but they didn’t make me angry, and I liked what they were trying to say enough for me to still be with it. And I felt that all the Luke/Rey/Kylo stuff was gangbusters (yes, I loved cranky, disillusioned old Luke. I know Mark Hamill didn’t care for it, but that’s fine, it worked great for me), so I ultimately left feeling pleasantly surprised. As if in, it was a flawed but very refreshing experience, one that said things I had been feeling for a long time and took things to interesting places that I actually wanted to see play out. I even got choked up when Luke let himself fade away when feeling absolutely nothing when Han died the previous film.

Unfortunately, that seemed to be a minority opinion, with many other Star Wars fan outright detesting it, sometimes to a pretty gross level (you know what I’m talking about). So when JJ Abrams was brought back on board to try to salvage things for the final installment, my reaction was, “I’m going to hate it, aren’t I?”

Still, I knew I was going to see it anyway, just to say that I did. And…welp.

…

Dafuq was that?

All right, all right, now before I continue, I need to acknowledge something. First of all, I have nothing against JJ Abrams as a person or even really as an artist. From all accounts he’s a cool guy who’s been taking all the backlash he’s been getting with a commendable amount of maturity, and he was placed in a very unenviable position by taking the reins in the midst of a very volatile situation. Plus, he had set a ton of things up in TFA that TLJ burned to the ground. Granted, it was a bonfire that I thoroughly enjoyed, but as the person watching his ideas just get cut off, that must have been frustrating watch. Like, what was he supposed to work with once he was brought back on after Colin Trevorrow had gotten the boot? And on a side-note, they really need to stop bringing Colin Trevorrow into big blockbuster franchises.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, we had the tragic passing of Carrie Fisher, which, in addition to being a terrible loss in general because she was a wonderful person that we’re all the poorer without, this movie was supposed to in some way revolve thematically around her, much like the TFA did with Han and TLJ did with Luke. But with her gone, they were just left with footage and recorded dialogue from deleted scenes from the first two films, which is next to nothing to go off of. Now there’s a debate to be had about whether or not it would be appropriate to CG her face onto a different actress, and I do get them feeling that doing so would be ghoulish…but they kinda already did that to bring Tarkin back in Rogue One, so…

Even so, that really sucks, and as awkward as the Princess Leia scenes are as a result, it isn’t their fault, so I’ll leave it at that.

And finally, it must also be acknowledged that a lot of the things I’m going to criticize them for were present in the original trilogy, and were just as awkward then. The OG movies weren’t perfect, folks. We’ve come to accept these flaws, but they were just as clumsy asspulls back then as they are now.

All right, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I actually want to start off on a positive note, specifically talking about the stuff I liked.

Let’s begin with the thing that I consider to not only be good, but actually kind of great: the relationship between Rey and Kylo Ren. Their weird Force-link in TLJ was one of the few new ideas that everyone seemed to like, especially since neither of them could really control it and were equally befuddled by it. It’s just a cool idea, a new aspect of the Force we haven’t seen before, and it’s slowly built upon, actually affects both the plot and the characters, and leads to some great scenes between the two of them.

And you know what? I was actually surprised by how much I liked these two together. After the wooden pile of bleh that was Anakin and Padme, I was bracing myself for more of the same. But as it turns out, Daisy Ridley and Adam Driver have an incredible amount of chemistry, and Adam especially was able to pull off the whole tortured bad boy who’s trying to be a villain but feels endlessly conflicted in a way that Hayden Christensen never could (though to be fair, Adam had way more to work with). So giving them that weird link where they’re forced to interact at different points despite being galaxies across from one another is a fantastic idea.

And I was happy to see that not only was this idea not walked back on, they actually built on it. Without giving too much away, there’s an amazing scene where they actually have a lightsaber fight despite being in two completely different locations and not really knowing where the other is, with the camera jumping back and forth from each other’s perspective and items from each other’s surroundings keep getting thrown into the other’s area and it’s honestly really great.

There were also a lot of visuals that were pretty great. The whole indoor lightning of the Sith Planet was neat, as was the flying stormtroopers, and that festival was pretty cool, and…

Actually, come to think of it, most of the scenes in this movie are, when viewed in isolation, pretty good, and could have worked if they had been buffeted by, you know, proper buildup, actual pacing, and taking the time to let events have weight.

But that leads us to this movie’s biggest failing, the problem that bring the whole thing crashing down. And that is it will just. Not. Slow. Down!

Seriously, don’t take a bathroom break, because if you do, you’ll come back to find everybody on a totally different planet doing something completely different, and the plot point you left on is completely in the rearview. It’s exhausting how quickly this movie jumps around from place to place, where we get a look at a setting and characters that might have been interesting if we got to spend actual time with them, only to drop it and we’re onto the next part. This isn’t a story, it’s a list of bullet points! It’s a three hour highlight reel of a whole-ass fourth trilogy, one that could have been cool to watch if they had chopped it up into three parts and fleshed them out into three movies. Hell, I’ll tell you where to end each one: Rey vs. Kylo on the Star Destroyer, Rey vs. Kylo on the wreckage of the Death Star, and the actual finale. Expand on the stuff in between, flesh things out with actual, you know, character development and consequences instead of zipping around, trying to come up with as many places as they can to cram into Star Tours’ randomizer.

And that’s what this basically is, an overly long Star Tours ride! Now I like Star Tours just fine, because it visits places that hold actual meaning due to being properly developed in actual movies, but these places just left me feeling hollow. And while we’re on the subject, did we really need another desert planet, ice planet, and forest planet combo? Spice things the fuck up! Say what you want about the prequels, but at least they tried to take us to cool new places.

And you know what? I’m going to say it. This movie is actually worse than the prequels. Not because it’s nearly as clumsily written and woodenly acted, or because it’s dragged down by dumb attempts at comedy; it’s none of those things. But at least the prequels were trying! George Lucas might be totally inept as a writer and should not have been given free reign, but there were attempts at things like proper plot and character development, pacing, plot twists, mystery, building things up and paying them off. Just go read the novelization of Revenge of the Sith. It’s fantastic! Same plot, same events happening, same conversations, but the dialogue is reworked to give the characters actual personality and it’s narratively told in an awesome and creative way and it’s overall just a great book. So George Lucas’s movies had the framework of a good story, he just wasn’t the right person to tell it.

In contrast, this movie has actual good acting, and the dialogue isn’t anywhere nearly as corny, but it’s just so unbelievably basic. It’s surface level writing, with barely a hint of cleverness and very little personality other than what the actors are about to wrangle out through their performances. But structure-wise, other than to expand it into a full trilogy, I don’t see how anyone can turn this mess into an engaging, single-movie narrative. So much happens, and it just feels so empty.

And…okay. Let’s address the Bantha in the room. Let’s talk about Palpatine.

Why is he back? Why? Just…why? He doesn’t need to be back! He doesn’t! It’s stupid, it’s hackneyed, it’s not even explained! I mean, there’s an offhand mention of cloning, so yeah, it’s feasible, it just makes no narrative sense! Hell, the fucking opening title crawl just plain says, “Yeah, he’s back. No reason, he just is” and goes on from that. And apparently he’s been behind everything that’s happened, like Snoke and Vader’s voice in Kylo Ren’s head and stuff, because things just can’t happen without being masterminded by someone I guess.

Really? This is the best they could come up with? I know TLJ cut off a lot of their plot branches, but goddamn it, this is the best you’ve got? Resurrect Palpatine? They do remember that the first two movies from the trilogy barely had the emperor as a presence, right? Vader carried them all just fine! Just run with that! Have Kylo Ren be the main antagonist! Have this be able his ascension to actual mega threat instead of Darth Vader cosplayer. If you want Ian McDiarmid to ham it up in the robes one last time (and hey, who wouldn’t?) just give him a cameo! Like, a holographic message to any potential successors Kylo Ren is looking for. Have him be the devil on Kylo’s shoulder in a is-he-real-is-he-just-a-hallucination sort of way. Make him something tempting Kylo Ren to fully embrace being the new Sith Lord, something Kylo has to overcome if he wants redemption. But don’t bring him fucking back! That’s just so, so stupid.

And Rey being Palpatine’s granddaughter kind of pisses me off. Her being revealed as a nobody from nowhere in the last film was great! I loved that idea! But no, let’s just retcon that whole business because we’re trying to apologize for the only one of these movies that had any balls and everybody has to be the descendant of someone important. Even fucking Lando gets a long-lost daughter in this! No, I’m not joking, he totally does.

Now, could Rey’s Sith heritage have worked? Sure! In of itself, it’s a rad idea, one that could have been used to explore all sorts of awesome themes…if that had been their plan from the beginning instead of a cheap attempt to replicate Empire’s big plot twist. But let’s face it: they threw it in as a desperate attempt to placate the fans. There never was any sort of plan. Abrams made the first movie with the sole intention of trying to recapture that nostalgic feel and fucked off, Rian Johnson took over with no notes and decided to do what he wanted, Trevorrow got fired, and Abrams got brought back for PR reasons because hey, people liked his movie, and he had to scramble to piece something together! Damn it, Disney! You literally have infinite resources! Hire someone with actual creative talent!

Oh wait, you did, and people hated it. Fuck.

So yeah. Rey’s parentage? Total waste, raises more questions than it answers. Chewie’s apparent death? Total waste, because he was actually on another ship! Though you could Force sense these things, Rey! Dark Side Rey in the trailer? Total waste, just a Force vision. That whole bit with C-3PO potentially sacrificing his entire identity? Total waste. No one seems to care, he gets no say, and after his memory gets wiped it’s treated as comic relief. Yeah, one last look at your friends indeed, Threepio. Some friends you have there. Oh, except Artoo’s got your memory backed up, so it doesn’t matter, just like everything else.

Oh yeah, and fuck Chewie’s medal! Who was really asking for that?

What a mess. What a disjointed, soulless, pandering mess. What a waste of potential, squandered on nothing. Bleh.

Oh well, at least we still have the Mandalorian. I’ve started watching that and it’s really cool so far.

#star wars #the rise of skywalker #rey #kylo ren #jj abrams #the last jedi #the force awakens #george lucas #rant

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mbcarmac · 4 years ago

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Things Blood Bowl 3 can borrow from other esports games

If you are reading this, then you found me for one of two reasons: you either know me as the ESL guy that runs major esports tournaments or you know me as a Blood Bowl 2 player with 3,500 hours under his belt.

The combination of the above may justify the arrogance to write a wish list for Blood Bowl 3 ahead of its release. I probably know what I am talking about.

As esports titles go, Blood Bowl 2 is a fantastic product that I consider very polished and feature-rich. Their out-of-the-box engine to run tournaments is fantastic (some people that actually run leagues might cringe, but I am looking at BB2 relative to other titles), tuning in to matches is easy and watching your own replays isn't hard either. On top of this, you can make custom teams play against yourself which is a massively useful feature if you want to prepare for specific matches.

This does not mean that Blood Bowl cannot learn lessons from other titles that would make it an even better game with the release of BB3.

Before we go on, let's acknowledge that every game developer needs to balance the time and money spent on developing features vs. how many users it would provide value to. In practice, if there's a killer feature idea that delays the shipment of the game by two weeks and the feature "only" helps the top 1% of players, then that feature might not get priority or it might not make it to the game. For that reason I am focusing on features that I am guessing are trivial to add or would positively affect more than just the elite (that, and the fact that I'm not an elite BB2 player).

So, here we go:

1) Resume from replay (a StarCraft II feature) One of the best RTS games of all time has this neat feature where you can resume a game that was interrupted for a technical reason. The game can be restarted from the point it broke which has obvious applications for running tournaments, but it also has tremendous potential for learning to play Blood Bowl.

Imagine that you can load up a replay of your own tournament game and try to resolve certain situations differently. Massively useful for strategy as well as set plays like attacking or defending on one turn touchdowns.

I wish there was a save round button in the game which basically allows you to start a new match (against yourself, against AI or a live opponent) from a specific point. You could practice all kinds of one turn tochdowns without wasting time on recreating the setup of the defensive team every time. You could condense your practice to practically any other element you want.

I have had a good BB player analyse a demo with me on Discord once and it was a very valuable experience. How much better it would have been if he could have told me "play this round out differently" instead of talking about how the round would / should go.

Storing such "start files" could then allow the community to build resources where people could find all sorts of setups and play them out rather than reading about them.

The easier it is to get players to a higher level of competency, the more players are decent players and the more enjoyable the game experience will be. The added bonus of helping tournaments resume matches makes the feature worth adding into the game in and of itself.

2) Different clock mechanic (my own idea yay!) There is a balance to be struck between keeping the game manageable and fun to play and giving people enough time to make crucial decisions. The Championship Ladder turn clock has been set to 2 minutes after being at 3 minutes for a while, presumably as a response to dwindling player numbers (it's a guess, not a fact). Shorter turns are more fun for more casual players and longer turns are better for cerebral elite players.

A good balance might be if each player received an additional cache of time. It could be done many different ways, but perhaps the most elegant one would be if there were three "+1 minute" cards (similar to rerolls) available for each player per half. That would mean that when you really need the extra time, you can use it and the cards also become a resource to manage as well.

Alternatively, players could simply have an overtime clock that every extra second spent comes out of, but the "card system" has the advantage that you need to trigger receiving the extra time. If you have to actively trigger additional time, you know it won't be wasted by people that go AFK.

3) Player behaviour management (League of Legends) It seems to me like the developer would prefer to release the game and then keep it up with minimal resources. This means that ordinary players will have to deal with absolutely toxic people from time to time. I can take the abuse, but it isn't fun.

At the same time, I have met a number of players that gave me tips during the match that helped me become better. I wish such behaviour were more encouraged since meeting helpful players online can be a tremendous tool to help new players improve (a lot of players never ever leave the bubble of the game itself to find resources on YouTube, Twitch or BB2 websites).

I would like to see two buttons available to me after a game where I can label player as a toxic one or a helpful one. If a player on ladder gets reported by five (random number) different people, the game should be able to react. For example by displaying a message letting them know that they are shadowbanned from chat and no one can read their hateful shit for the next 25 (random number) games. Of course "toxic reports" should be automatically discarded if the player hadn't typed anything since it's hard to be toxic if you hadn't typed anything.

The same mechanic could apply to helpful players and it could automatically start displaying a reputation marker next to their nickname (the more positive reports you get, the better your "positivity rank" - and it shoud decay over time). Some other type of in-game reward could be instated as well, but I don't know what the developer's plans are for in-game currency or custom rewards.

I know of some players that would confuse the hell out of the above system, otherwise known as helpful ragers, but maybe it would be a good start. And the best thing: it's automated with no manpower required.

4) Observer features (DOTA 2, Chess)

Give us basic telestration tools in the game. The ability to draw arrows, move players (as shadows) etc. to illustrate what the player should do, where the player should be moved, etc. It is not uncommon for a turn of Blood Bowl to last two minutes before a player is moved or a die is rolled. Commentators being able to mark things in the game they are watching and displaying them for their audience would make broadcasts much more compelling.

I cannot stress enough that there's time for it in most big tournament matches. It would be massively helpful with "newb streams" as well (something I've recommended for the REBBL team to organise for their playoffs) since that can bring players into the community as well.

5) Promotion of esports (League of Legends & others) The first major title to really do this well was League of Legends. Whenever a big event was going on, they would put a link to the stream into the game client. I cannot stress how much this has popularised LoL as a professional esport and given its community the idea that they're casual players of not a game but a SPORT. Even if they did not watch the esports tournaments, they were given a sense that there was so much more depth to that world.

This is another feature which might require post-release management from the developer (which automatically makes it not-so-desirable), but creating some kind of in-game billboard and working with whitelisted popular leagues to fill it in for the publisher under strict guidelines is probably doable. I am aware of the news section on the loading screen, but without an image and headline to attract my attention, I ignore it 90% of the time.

The community does tremendous work for the publisher, creating rich, vibrant places to learn, play and enjoy Blood Bowl. The least they could do is allow the trusted ones to promote themselves inside the game. It's for the mutual benefit of the publisher and the community leagues.

Welp... This is more writing than I've done in 5 years. And all it took was for me to win the first round of the REBBL Challenger Cup. I hope you've enjoyed this read and that you have suggestions of your own that could help Blood Bowl 3 become a fantastic game.

#bloodbowl #espors

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grizzlefur · 7 years ago

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WWEm - More Like PerestroiKO

Broadcast date: Monday 11/Tuesday 12 September 2017

Brought to you by the function 3x+6 and the cuneiform logogram DIĜIR, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(should have done this earlier, fell asleep, so sue me)

and we're starting with a moment of silence

christ, yeah, it's the 9/11 episode

fun and jokes on my blog today

oh, and a sombre text crawl

great

someone breaks the silence with a woo, usa chants begin

i get the feeling i'm gonna be sighing at america a lot tonight

oh hey, and apparently brock's gonna be here tonight

woooo

and cena/strowman, which should be fun

but for now, here comes the opposite of fun

in the form of roman reigns

oh, and apparently he's fighting jason

good way to get jj over as a face, i guess

he enters, the crowd goes tepid

recap of cena/jordan from last week

that was a good match

and video of the less-good smacktalk session following that match

so now roman gets to put his money where his shit is

if roman loses this, i just want cena to turn up and laugh for ten minutes straight

oh hey, pan out to cena watching the match

preliminary scuffling, punctuated by roman perfecting his scorn laugh

and getting punched in his smug face

booker is getting very excited about roman

well, i guess someone has to

roman cocks his fist, goes for it, jj reverse into a crossface because seriously, fuck that face

pan out again to cena looking deeply dissatisfied

truly, a man of the people

that's what we all look like when roman's winning things

okay, i hate roman reigns and all the things he does, but even i have to admit that samoan drop counter was pretty sweet

but now we're back to jj suplexing him to the underworld, so all is good

corey claims jj is "driven by failure"

truly, the next great renewable energy source

booker magnanimously agrees to stop calling jason a rookie, despite the bit where he was nxt and smackdown tag champ

jason exposes his shoulders (his other fuel source), hits the rolling double northern lights for a nearfall

then crossface for a near finish

booker sarcastically calls jj "what [roman] calls a rookie"

you were calling him that THREE FUCKING MINUTES AGO, YOU COLOSSAL WANKSPONGE

roman bullfights jj really hard into the post, superman punch, goes oooooo, spear for the pin

pan out to cena looking begrudgingly impressed

tense faceoff

roman gives jj the handshake

that'll do, pig

pan out again, and now charly is there

asks cena for his thoughts, he's just like i'm gonna go out there and tell him myself

after this total bellas ad

he didn't say that last part, but i know he understands the value of his wife's brand

(wait, are they marrried yet?)

cena drops his towel on the stage, camera focuses on it for a weirdly long time

forgoes his run to the ring to do a thug strut instead

clearly the camera guy needs to work on their cardio

cena appreciates that

thoughtfully gets two mics before getting into the ring

throws roman one with a comment about his fashion sense

asks for his thoughts, suggests some helpful catchphrases so he doesn't have to talk too long

roman claims to have had more good matches in two years than cena has in his career

cena's just like dude, seriously, stop talking, you're burying yourself

calls him a one-man human centipede

keep it pg, john

cena challenges himself every day to try everything

take that as you will

cena gets up in roman's face about how he's shat the bed on every opportunity available

not inaccurate

roman calls him a bitch

devastating comeback

roman claims to be solely responsible for raw's ticket sales

paul heyman's like um

disparages cena's hollywood aspirations, offers to introduce him to a guy

cena's like at no mercy, consider me like a drug test, you ain't getting past me

crowd goes oooooooooooh

even roman smirks

and swagger off

next up, sasha banks does a thing

after this advert for lesnar/strowman

(and if their compound couple name isn't lensman, i'll punch something)

and another one for cute kids with cancer

(and the prevention of such things)

and now that's all done with, here's sasha

in an even nicer jacket than usual

fighting emma, who doesn't get an intro this time

siiiiiigh

i mean, i hate her new music, but still

oh, and alexa's materialised on announce

and inside the ring, emma has 100% stolen alexa's iron man gear

first the music, then the space cop gear

where will it end

oh hey, here comes nia

who gets her full intro despite being in street clothes and there being a fucking match in progress

cut to ads, and when we get back nia's got a seat on announce too

like oh hey guys don't mind me

oh, there's still a match happening

who knew

wow, this is tepid as fuck

like, i love all four of these, but they're still conspiring to make this segment so dull

and bank statement from nowhere for the tap

so yeah, that happened

still optimistic for the four-way, though

and not just because the fallout from that would be the perfect moment to debut asuka

but now, let's have an overdramatic recap package of braun/show coming out of their cage

(and feeling just fine)

(yeah, i stole that joke, but it's perfect, so fuck off)

apparently show got injured

so, yknow, swings and roundabouts

(and we all know i can get away with that because a) it's almost definitely a work, and b) it's the big show)

brock up next

greeeeeeat

after this advert for smackdown, now with 100% more mcmahonity

oh wait, shane got suspended

so i guess the number stays the same

just been shot with a mad science aging ray

anyway, yeah, brock is here

which is why i'm distracting myself with jokes about the mathematics of mcmahons

(mcmahoths?)

paul continues to get mad pops by saying his name and listing adjectives

paul's just like i'm meant to be here to sell you on no mercy, but it's already generated all the hype in the world

possibly untrue

confirmed: braun's announce table origami combo sounds a lot dumber when a middle-aged accountant type describes it without the aid of video replays

paul says braun will need to rip the championship from brock's hands if he wants it

paul throws in some ufc references, because apparently people still pop for that

paul calls braun out with some enormous histrionics

and here he comes

brock tries to go straight into suplexes, gets punched in his grinning idiot face

then lands one, braun just stands up like nope

and chokeslams him

this is the shit i do like

and then running powerslam

fuck you, mr lesnar

picks up the belt so he can contemplate it for a bit, then stands on brock so he can brandish it aloft

then sarcastically puts it down on brock's chest and pats it like you just take care of my belt for a couple weeks

and swaggers off while brock lies in the ring hugging his belt

apparently tonight, we have miztv with enzo

what did we do to deserve this

but up next, bray does a thing

after cole tells us about the hurricanes

the crowd stay as classy and respectful as they ever do in a serious moment

by which i do of course mean they woo like a bunch of owls on meth

and now here comes goldust

you're not bray

although it is nice to see him actually get a match rather than just sending in his videos

ah, here's bray

doing a sermon over the tron first

continuing his crusade against people who wear face paint

bray wyatt vs icp confirmed for mania 34

booker boldly theorises that bray may be more concerned with collecting his enemies' souls rather than championships

no shit, dude

did you miss the bit where he delivered a screaming promo while anointing himself with the ashen earth from the burnt grave of the devil's sister or something

bray wins in about two minutes, doesn't even need to do the spider walk

did give goldust a chance to show off that he can still do this shit, though

bray produces a handkerchief, proceeds to scrub the paint off goldust's face to the boos of the crowd

proclaims that HE'S JUST A MAAAAAN

no shit

that paint slides right off if he fights for more than a couple minutes

finn takes offence, rushes the ring and chases bray away

bray walks slowly backwards up the ramp while giving finn uncomfortable eye contact, end thing

but now, charly interviews sheamus and cesaro

and the camera guy works very hard trying to keep the three of them in frame together

it's not really possible

apparently they're gonna leave seth and dean with punctured lungs at no mercy

seems excessive

but yeah, they're fighting the good brothers next

after this advert for the myc final

(it was great, thanks for asking)

seth and dean are on announce

dean's brought binoculars and a notepad so he can scout the competition

cole's like um dude, you know we have monitors

dean teaches seth how to use binoculars

and now they're scoring gallows and anderson on their fashion sense

and then derail the kkb's entrance by shittalking them

and then getting in a fight

and anderson and gallows can't bear to leave a good fight unjoined, so run up the ramp to brawl

gallows punches sheamus so hard his kilt falls off

security pulls them all apart, announce team are like welp guess that's a no on the match

but now, have this tapout body spray advert, featuring john cena as a presumably attractive-smelling superhero

and now you get a recap video of the team brawls we just had

cut to kurt's office, seth and dean demand a match against FUCKING EVERYONE tonight

kurt says they can have it, as long as they find two partners to even the numbers

crowd knows where this is going, immedately begins the delete chants

dean promises to find some, even if they have to go to disneyworld and bring back mickey mouse and batman

kurt clarifies that their partners do in fact have to be real people

dean shrugs like w/e man i can't tell the difference i just did a whole bunch of speed and some moss i found growing under the storm drain outside my apartment well i say apartment it's a sheet of corrugated iron against a wall under a bridge well i say wall it's a bear i knifed in a fight over half a can of special brew well at least that's what mad harry who makes it calls it anyway i don't care let's fucking GOOOOOO

(possible paraphrase)

they leave kurt to be like hmm, i guess batman would be a great partner

oh hey, here's a promo clip for asuka

confirmed for raw

but then, we all knew that was coming

pan out to nia watching it like pah

alexa appears at her elbow to be like gawd all these randos turning up in our division and our matches the fuck is wrong with people

does a spot-on emma impression

calls nia her best friend, she's immediately like ummmmmm no

alexa claims all their troubles are just because she has trouble expressing her emotions

nia's like cool let's be friends oh btw i asked kurt for a match with you next week

walks off, slow zoom on alexa's face like WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT

up next, elias has a new song, after this ad for champions

i love how they're always like OMG DEBUTING A NEW SONG

has he ever reused material

well, here he is, still shedding names like a snake with some kind of dermatological disorder

crowd are weirdly supportive, then surprised when he badmouths their city

(which turns out to be anaheim)

have they ever watched his segments before

oh, and here's kalisto

one day, elias will finish a song

i have faith

cole refers to kalisto as a lucha libre

the man is his own style

i have but moments to appreciate the rusk-style elias world tour shirt he's got before he shreds it like the new regeneration of hulk hogan

wait a second, why isn't kalisto competing in the cruiserweight decision yet?

that'd be great

anyway, he gets stomped on and neckbroken for the pin

speaking of underappreciated former nxt tag champs

but up next, jaun strowna

after another ad for smackown

and here's john again

he's found his towel again

leaves it on the announce table, because it's one of the things they're auctioning

so fair enough

cena grimaces up the ramp a bit, rips his shirt off while waiting for braun to turn up

roars into the arena, fashionably late as ever

stands in the ring pawing at the ground for a bit

wait, are we meant to be getting bullfight vibes from this?

is cena going to start sticking spears into braun's shoulders to slow him down

pan out to roman watching the match, holding a towel for some reason

braun's getting like 90% of the offense in this, and it's great

frankly, any time braun strowman dropkicks soemone, i am entirely on board with it

the crowd agree

i think they're trying to get braun heel heat here, not sure anyone gives a shit

i mean, i know it's mostly to get cena further over as a face, but still

braun's built a massive stock of goodwill off trying to murder roman reigns

they keep making a thing in this of john going for the aa but not being able to get strowman in the air

i get where they're going, but we've seen him aa big show and pick brock lesnar up with one arm

these power levels are more wildly inconsistent than dbz

cena sets up a five knuckle shuffle, braun just stands up and turns it into a spinebuster

cena gets an aa off it anyway for some reason, braun makes it out of the ring

and then hits him with the ring steps for a dq

wait, they're not treating this like it's over

are they somehow arguing that braun was just holding them when cena ran into them

i understand nothing

and then braun powerslams him onto the steps, which would be completely normal usually but causes a dq here

wait

they're playing his music

are they playing that as the medics called it off?

i have no fucking clue

charly turns up to interview roman, he says something banal that i managed to just tune out entirely

give it a few more weeks, and eventually every time he opens his mouth all i'll hear will be womp womp womp like charlie brown's teacher

but up next, miztv with enzo

sighhhhhhh

after this ad for total bellas

(also sigh)

and one for the myc final

(non-sigh)

but now, dean tries to recruit random runners into their tag team

seth's like yeahhhhhh maybe not

and then they run into dean malenko and a friend?

and decide against it

and then the hardyz

there we go

matt's being even more obviously broken than usual

and here are team miz

maryse in a bright red power suit that, as ever, i would wear the fuck out of

bo still hasn't given ariya his jacket back yet

ooh, apparently miz and maryse have an announcement

maryse is pregnant

and they're both just looking genuinely happy and it's so different to normal miz segments

so of course, miz immediately takes the opportunity to talk shit about kurt angle's parenting

starts reading a prepared speech about fatherhood, enzo cuts in with his intro

what a bellend

dressed even more than the create-a-wanker 'randomise' function than usual

claims he's just coming to celebrate with friends, makes eyes at maryse

miz just immediately tears him a new one about his lack of solo prospects

i love angry miz

just like listen dude, i understand being hated, so let me tell you: everyone fucking ~haaaaaaaaates~ you

wow, yeah, this is just miz absolutely unleashing

see, enzo, this is how you talk smack that people understand

enzo responds by shouting at him about realness

yeah, enzo, copying someone's finisher is totally a heinous act that you would never do

promises to come back to raw with the cruiserweight belt and beat miz too

miz pledges to show enzo what a real champion looks like, dedicates his victory to their unborn child

yknow, as you do

cut to ads, during which kurt agreed to the match on the grounds that once a wrestling match has been proposed, it 100% has to happen

miz's opponent immediately runs out of the ring to rant on mic for once

must be unfamiliar territory for him

miz returns the favour while mashing enzo's face into the apron

and then foolishly decides to pause to talk on mic while on the top rope

gets inevitably crotched

enzo takes the opportunity to question the baby's parentage, miztourage join in on kicking yet more shit out of him

dq sounded, miz doesn't even slightly care

but up next, the 8-man tag we all expected

ads for our other shows later, cut backstage and enzo's coughing blood and reconsidering his life choices

runs into neville, who gives an award-winning cackle and walks off

seth and dean do solo intros this time

they really need to get some kind of joint intro

what would that sound like

who could say

although i am a bit attached to BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

match begins, i am distracted from matt hardy's shambling weirdness by his sweet-ass trousers

matt gets sheamus and cesaro on the outside, jeff does poetry in motion over the ropes because OH MY GOD AN OPPORTUNITY TO JUMP OFF A THING

i sometimes feel like matt needs to stop enabling his brother

if you thought this match would be huge and messy, you win nothing because of fucking course it is

enjoyable though

cesaro nearly stacks it off the top rope setting up for a flying uppercut/back senton combo, matt kind of flips sideways through the ropes to get the break, gets their at about a count of five to find out the ref had stopped the count at two anyway

dean manages to escape a magic killer attempt to punch gallows in the throat

seth finally hot tags in, burns everyone down

including completely no-selling anderson's attempts to interfere from outside

matt hits gallows with a twist of fate, then the hardyz intimidate the kkb away from the ring while seth and dean hit kingslayer to dirty deeds for the pin on anderson

sheamus and cesaro stand at the top of the ramp doing their thumb thing, the faces stand in the ring celebrating their actual use of tactics for once, and so we fade

i say 'we'

but as we all know, this is the blog that never sleeps

(offer not valid when i miss updates because i overslept)

so i think it's high time we rolled on some MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

oh god, it's going to include vince and his floppy swagger

fuuuuuuuuuck

daniel, queue something else instead

okay, according to daniel, our machines are timelocked and you can only change the video queue between 11:03 and 11:36

yknow, every week it becomes more and more clear to me why we get these offices for free

well, if it's gonna play anyway, let's get our down smacked and we open on the ongoing shane/kevin controversy

this remains one of the more close-to-the-bone promos in recent times

wow, this is a long recap

previously on smackdown (and assuming neither you nor anyone you know has watched it)

so yes, we're in vegas, and we're making this into an event episode because we don't have a ppv for a little while

and also because vince has sufficiently recovered from the last time he was exposed to Earth air

anyway, here's kevin

and i had forgotten how good this announce team was

kevin welcomes us to his show, reiterates his deep and abiding trauma and restraint when he didn't fight back

so now when he's sued everybody in wwe to death we're gonna get "Kevin Owens Presents: The Kevin Owens Show, starring Kevin Owens"

pledges to fire sami and make tom and byron share a suit

and cancel the fashion files

right, officially irredeemable now

calls vince out so he can talk business

foolishly calls out "Mr McMahon", so here's...dolph?

doing shane's entrance

sure, why not

kevin's like oh thank fuck a talented man who works here, i thought it was shane

lets him have the gimmick, since nobody's using it

and off he goes

kevin starts announcing more grand plans

and here's the other man who might have something to say about that

bryan just strolls into the ring like oh hey you don't actually run this show, i still exist

kevin promises bryan he'll still have a fulfilling job as a janitor on the kevin owens show

bryan hits back with a crack about kevin's weight

sighhhhh

sort it out, dude

ominously promises the imminent arrival of the vince

kevin's basically like yeah whatever -drops mic, walks off-

so yes, later tonight we have new day/usos street fight for the title, naomi/nattie for that title, and tye/aj for -that- title

and that last one is apparently up next

after this ad for cena/roman

which i just read back as 'catwoman', despite having written it myself

and now a moment as tom and corey tell us about natural disaster season

but back to the wrestles, here's aj

and a vt of the ongoing dillinger/us championship thing

here's tye, and this time they've actually synced his tron properly

bell rings, commence to UNNECESSARILY FAST WRESTLING

but then, anything to distract us all from tye's hairstyle

baron runs in, aj redirects a phenomenal forearm to hit him in the face

tye doesn't quite get the distraction pin, then fights out of a styles clash attempt to hit a really nice tye breaker

aj kicks out at 2.99994, then reverses another thing into a calf crusher for the tap

good match

like, felt short, but that's just the problem with this show only being two hours

tye hobbles to his feet, aj gives him the handshake, respect and love all around

and here comes baron to ruin everything

throws aj over the barricade, clotheselines tye, then end of days to aj on the floor

before announcing that next week, aj's opponent in the us title open challenge will be him

someone still needs to learn the meaning of 'open'

and now some woman i don't recognise interviews rusev, both of them speaking with the conviction of a hostage delivering their captor's demands

apparently bulgaria has turned its back on rusev after his failure

so now he has to kill randy to get his mojo back

or poorly-thought-out words to that effect

but up next, jinder does a thing

after a total bellas ad and a supremely tacky exterior shot of vegas, that is

here are the singhs, holding a note longer every week

and here comes the man himself, jinder mahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal

in a dark green suit/brown shirt combo that i actually kind of dig

match graphic for hiac revealed

hell in a cell 2017: this year it's METAL AS FUCK

surprisingly notable maharaja chant going there

big punjabi-canadian community in vegas, clearly

jinder promises to get inside shinsuke's head

a process that seems to consist of putting pictures of him up and laughing at them

aaaaaaand there goes the poop joke

wow

way to aim high

the singhs find this possibly dangerously funny

oh wow, calling him a michael jackson ripoff

nobody's noticed that

oh, and there's a racist stereotype

people laugh, jinder's like see, fucking americans

promises shinsuke that if he wins the belt, he too will get shat on by racists

(while being racist)

transitions into ranting in punjabi mid-sentence

cut backstage, where kevin is dictating a list of his demands as showrunner

including a limo for his buddy jimmy

oh hey, here's sami

this won't be awkward

kevin doesn't even try not to gloat

sami's like cool, whatever, literally anything will be preferable to working for you

up next, new day v usos in a sin city street fighter 3rd strike

(it's possible i should have stopped typing earlier than i did)

but first, cute kids with cancer again

and i hold myself back from being as excoriating as usual

(if you're wondering whether bottling up my pite and bitchiness like this causes me physical pain, be assured that it does)

in any case, here are the new day

only kofi and e have made it to the ring

reasonably sure xavier was there at the top of the ramp

oh, ok

they've sent him back so the usos can't say they had an advantage

seems fair

roll vt of the match we would like you to forget being the best part of summerslam

new day immediately knock the usos out of the ring and get a table

they know how to do their job, who knew

cut to ads, and suddenly e is in the corner with a chair wedged into the ropes above him for whatever reason

recaps suggest the usos put it there, so we know who it'll backfire on

oh look, e kicked one of them into it

that was quick

and then jimmy kicks it into e's face

nice spot

kofi reappears, gets his face smacked into the apron

and jimmy gets jey a kendo stick

both commence to beating on big e with it

kofi comes back, takes everyone out, gets the kendo stick

beats jimmy with it until it explodes

splinters for everyone

okay, this is moving too fast for me to narrate

basically watch the summerslam kickoff match again, but add chairs

kofi just hit jimmy in the face with a chair about six dfferent ways, then threw it at him

and then got thrown into the barricade anyway in the ugliest bump of the night

this enrages big e, who proceeds to murder jey

jey's shirt is getting destroyed, providing a handy visual identifier e splashes both of them, dances instead of going for the pin

jimmy superkicks him, he doesn't give a shit, big ending for the nearfall and then e takes a double superkick anyway

set up for a double splash, kofi kicks jey off the turnbuckle and through chekhov's table

and midnight hour for the pin

much tromboning and joviality

shot of daniel arguing with a runner backstage

graphic for naomi/nattie, during which corey completely forgets how to english

shots of the press carpet for the myc, mostly just reminding me how good steph's outfit was

oh, and ronda rousey's here tonight

oh right, we're in the women's match now

no better way to show the legitimacy and importance of your women's division than by depriving their title match of intros

naomi's got cool new gear though

and carmella's on announce

with ellsworth on a leash

because of course

all bullshit aside, this is a good match

p sure i know who wins because of video thumbnails, but we shall see

-puts in an alarm for 11:05 to change those settings-

naomi casually scorpion kicks nattie in the face like it ain't no thang nattie gets knocked out of the ring, carmella takes the opportunity to front at her with her briefcase

aaaaaand naomi planchas her and ellsworth

and nattie gets a sharpshooter off the distraction for the tap

so yeah, the outcome i expected

so that's three really good title matches down, but of course our main event will be the corporate disciplinary hearing

kevin walks in on aiden practising his opera, offers him a job singing the theme song to the kevin owens show

he freestyles something, kevin is pleased

really, i'm looking forward to this grand restructuring

more like perestroiKO

and now here's dolph

with his own entrance for once

claiming to be the single best performer in wwe history

wait, is this whole rejection of gimmicks gimmick because kfc dropped him?

has a rant, walks off, comes back as bayley

gives up halfway through after the crowd are super into it, bunches a bayley buddy

has another rant, walks off again

and now he's the ultimate warrior

this is not gonna go down well with a lot of people

has dolph just spent a lot of time on the create-an-entrance tool in 2k17?

"So this is what it's come to"

dude, warrior was around like thirty years ago

how is this new

has another rant about how no-one can do what he can and how nobody cares

throws the mic at the announce table, stomps out of the ring as it goes WHONK

somewhat ruined the moment, tbh

who am i kidding, there wasn't a moment, it was dolph ziggler

back to the ring, and someone's cleared away the dead inflatables, so here are the hype bros

to be fed to alpha 2.0

now in beta

shelton makes an impression by dragon screwing mojo through about three laws of physics

counters a rough ryder into a lovely delayed spinebuster, powerbomb-cutter combo for the pin

nearly stymied by shelton thinking chad's arms were longer than they were

learn to tag, guys

mojo shakes hands and hugs them, zack stomps off

i smell plot

but up next, oh fuck vince is here where do we keep the spirits

daniel has responded to that question with a drawing of a magnet and what i'm reasonably sure is a swarm of hornets

guess that answers that question

so yeah, one myc ad later, kevin's in ring

and here comes vince

ain't nobody got swag this floppy

and what a delightful grey/green plaid suit

(disclaimer for text: that was sarcasm, it's fucking awful)

kevin launches straight into it with a thing about how vince must be intimidated by him

a spirit long-sealed at the bottom of a dry well replies

or possibly that's vince's voice

hard to tell sometimes

oh, again with the body-negative cracks

and making fun of kevin for not fighting back because lol cowards

i mean, i know that cowardice is the ultimate insult in wrestling, but it carries a lot of unpleasant baggage

vince promises to fire kevin if he sues the company, which i'm 100% sure breaks a whole lot of labour laws

just add 'wrongful dismissal' to that docket

vince claims to have never lost a lawsuit, i don't believe it for a second

also claims the laws of the land were written for men like him, which i can believe all day

apparently shane was suspended for not killing kevin

the fuck, vince

this is seriously the worst company anyone could ever work for

vince reinstates shane, makes a match at hiac so he can murder him properly

like, i know i read too much into wrestling, but this is tying into so much rich white male dickwad shit that it's making me deeply uncomfortable

vince agrees to give him his word that he won't have any repercussions for beating the shit out of a mcmahon

so kevin hits him in the head with a mic so he bleeds everywhere

and this is why we consider contract wording, children

ref tries ineffectually to get kevin to leave, so he just kicks vince in the stomach

and i get distracted by vince's old man socks for days

vince gets up, eats a superkick

kevin throws three refs out of the way, sets up for a frog splash

that dude in the suit whose name i always forget tries to stop him

it doesn't work

kevin walks up the ramp looking like he might have realised what he just did, steph comes out in that killer pantsuit to stare daggers at him

and we fade on an awful old man bleeding from his forehead and staggering up the ramp, supported by his daughter and that dude whose name still eludes me

so hey guys, who's hyped for the myc final?

sometimes, smackdown editing outdoes itself

(it might be scott armstrong?)

(fuck, but i'm bad at faces)

right - while this blog might never sleep, the lights go out in ten minutes, so we should probably relocate

expect another post sooner rather than later, since it's no mercy on sunday

and expect a decent outro...definitely later

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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