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send-allmyloving · 4 years

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@sarasanddollar i accidentally deleted your request while editing what the fuck im so sorry and also this took me too long to complete aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Request: BTA Dazai comforting reader who suffers from a panic attack after finding out she can’t leave the place due to have been locked up in her past life

Note; panic disorders and anxiety disorders are real, valid things that should never be taken lightly! If anyone of you are suffering from this please don’t hesitate to reach out, and my private messages are always open if you would like to talk.

Now let’s get started on this, shall we?

TW; panic attack, mental disorder, mentions of childhood trauma and abuse

BTA Dazai comforting fem!reader suffering from a panic attack

“What?”

You froze, knuckles harshly gripping the table in front of you as you tried to process this information. Memories of your nightmarish childhood flooded back to you. You couldn’t stand the thought of being locked in anywhere anymore; which is why you always had to stay in places with the biggest windows, why you were always out and about doing whatever you could to keep you busy, sitting outside of cafes as long as the weather permitted, writing about your fantasy life in little cottages in France, in the high seas, wherever your mind took you to. The only reason you ever took up writing was to create a fantasy world for yourself you could escape to while you were locked up in a room in your parents’ house, the tiniest window giving you only a glimpse of what the outside world was like. You wrote those stories to keep you sane, until you could escape out to the world.

And now you were stuck back in that same situation, again.

“You’re joking. Please tell me you’re joking,” you pleaded, your breath stuttering to a halt as you felt your head spin.

“Unfortunately, it’s the reality. We’re stuck here; we are just our souls from our past lives. There’s no concept of time here, only the books are our promise of an escape. Of course, there is the promise of an outside world, but we could never go out to it. We’re just souls, after all,” the cat stated, his slanted golden eyes gazing up at you with sympathy. “Are you alright?”

“N-no. I... I don’t believe you. I can’t.... I can’t just stay in here, I need to escape,” you muttered, your breaths labored as you stumbled back from the table, oblivious to the concerned looks dawned on the men’s faces as they peered at you.

“(Name)-san... what’s the matter? Are you feeling unwell?” Shimazaki asked worriedly, rising from his chair to step forward.

“S-Stay away from me, please.” Your voice rose, uneasily steadying yourself against the bookshelf behind you, your knees weak, threatening to buckle beneath you.

“Should we call Shuusei-san? I think she needs treatment,” Dazai asked Akutagawa, concern rising in him as he saw you struggle to maintain your composure, his heart clenching painfully.

Dazai was a childhood friend of yours when you were alive, so you felt some relief when you learned he was there with you. You felt fondly towards each other, and Dazai cared deeply for you, even past the want for plainly asking you to commit a double suicide with him. He was relieved when he saw you in this place for the first time, but now his heart was threatening to tear at the seems as he saw you fall apart, likewise your relief had been completely washed away with the realization that you were trapped once more, with nowhere to go.

So one could not imagine the torrent of sheer panic that coursed through your veins at the moment, the sensitivity that rose your senses to an uncomfortable maximum.

“Please, please just stop talking. Please,” you heaved, gripping to the shelves as you leaned away from the authors around you, feeling the room close in. You felt yourself start to spiral as the soft whispers of them voicing their concern grew too damn loud for your ears to bear.

“Shut up. Shut up. Just... shut up,” you muttered, repeating it like it was a mantra, your hands moving to grip your head, tearing at the locks as you spiraled down further into complete hysterics.

“I don’t know if Shuusei-san is needed right now... she’s close to hysterics, won’t she be frightened?” Chuuya questioned Dazai, his usual playful demeanor completely disappearing from his face.

Stop.

“Yes, but she needs help or else she will be stuck in her head for too long... she’ll suffer,” noted Akutagawa, his voice calm, his expression unwavering.

Stop.

“What should we do then?”

Stop.

“Shut UP!” you shrieked, sinking to the floor as you tore at your scalp, hot tears blurring your vision as fear overtook your body. “Stop talking, get away from me!! Get away, get away! Get the fuck away from me!” You screamed, hugging your knees close to you, your breath ragged, your voice sore as you cried out, sobs violently surging up your body.

Everyone was frozen. Everyone you knew, and even those you didn’t know, watched you unravel as the trauma, the utter terror of being transported back to a hell you wish you never experienced rammed every coherent thought out of your brain, and your mind was jumbled with sheer fear. You were trapped inside your mind, and you didn’t know how to get out.

But thank God, Dazai knew just what to do. He had been a witness to such events in your past life; he helped you through the anxieties of being trapped once more. And he promised you that, God forbid, were you ever stuck back in that situation, he would help you every step of the way until you could live your life the way you wished you could, once more.

And now, Dazai was determined to keep that promise. So he moved forward with it.

“Everyone, out of the room, now. I’ll handle this. She needs space, I’ll talk her through it, okay?”

No one argued. They filed out of the room, to their own chambers. Even the cat went back to his own office, trusting Dazai to take the matter into his own hands and bring you back safe.

Once you and him were alone, Dazai approached you slowly. Before you knew it, he was kneeling in front of you, watching you with the utmost pained expression, his heart ripping as he saw your terrifically panicked state.

“Hey,” he spoke softly, his golden eyes trained on you.

No response, except for your heavy sobs.

Dazai bit his lip anxiously, reaching out to place a gentle hand on your knee. “(Name)-san, listen to me,” he said calmly.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” you snapped, shifting sharply away from Dazai’s touch, hugging your knees closer to your chest as you shook, your breaths short and uneasy.

Dazai easily retracted his hand away from your knee, looking at you sympathetically, still keeping his cool as he tried to reason with you out of the trap in your mind.

“(Name)-san, I need you to listen to me, okay? Just... listen to me. I’ll get you through this,” Dazai pleaded with you, still crouching down, his hands clasped together as he attempted to talk you through your panic.

“I don’t want to fucking listen! Get away from me!” You screamed at him again, your fingernails ripping at your roots, hot tears staining your clothes as your curled in on yourself. “I can’t fucking breathe... God.. I can’t... breathe,” you gasped, writhing to the side as you felt the room close around you, your chest tightening. You felt yourself go lightheaded. You felt like you were going to die.

Dazai felt like he was about to cry at your state. You looked so helpless, so trapped.

So... scared.

He gently took your shoulders to turn you towards him, his golden eyes meeting your bloodshot, teary ones. “I need you to listen or you’ll be stuck like this forever. We don’t want that now, do we? Come on, let’s take a deep breath,” he said gently, hands coming down to rub at your arms before pulling back to take your hands.

“I can’t!” you cried, your body weak and shaking. You heaved and choked on air, trying so hard to breathe. You felt like you were drowning, the panic weighing onto your lungs, shrouding you with an air as heavy as lead. You were too weak to draw back your hands; the only thing you could do was clasp tightly to his.

As much as he felt like he was going to lose circulation in his hands at how tightly you were gripping on to them, he managed to give back a gentle squeeze, eyes continuously trained on you as his soothing voice directed you back to stablility.

“You can do this, (Name)-san. Just listen to me. Let’s take some deep breaths together, ok? Inhale, hold for four, exhale, hold for four. That’s easy, right?” he coaxed, smiling reassuringly at you.

Your eyes were squeezed open and shut, trying to regain some sort of sense around you, but you nodded, his calm voice easily perceptible through your hysterics.

You breathed together, shuddering breaths leaving your parched lips, still shivering with anxiety as you tried your hardest to focus on the task at hand.

“That’s it, love, you’re doing so well!” he murmured praisingly, hands still gently clasping yours, thumbs rubbing soothing circles around your knuckles as a small smile dawned on his face, proud of how you were handling yourself.

“Now, name a few things you can see around you. Can you do that for me?” he asked, his voice ever so gentle as he spoke to you.

“I-I can’t... I don’t want to be in here,” you hiccuped, squeezing your eyes shut in hopes of waking up from this nightmare of a situation.

“I know... I know you feel stuck, my darling. But you won’t be stuck in here forever! You’ll be able to escape to paradise whenever you feel like it. Remember those books you wrote about? Those lovely fantasy places you would tell me about when we talked?” asked Dazai, helping you reminisce your past days with him, sitting on a swing in the sunlight, eating cake and reading to him the books you wrote.

You nodded slowly, trying to remember those words of his.

We can do whatever you want, together. We can escape to paradise, now that we’re together!

“But then... you...” you choked back on your words, recalling when you found out about his sudden death.

His lifeless body. The broken promises. The heartache.

Every hope and happiness that you had ever found. Gone from your life.

“No... no, no, NO!” You sobbed frantically, your head hitting back against the wooden shelves, again. And again. The pain was the only thing that would distract you from those horrid thoughts of losing the only one you loved so dear.

Dazai’s hand quickly shot out to cradle behind your head, pulling you away from the shelves, his other hand not letting go of yours. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I left you alone like that, my angel. My mind bested my heart at that time. I’m so sorry...”

You sobbed and trembled, your free hand gripping the sleeve of his shirt as you succumbed to your cries.

“I’m here now. I won’t ever leave you again,” he promised, his hand soothingly coming over your back in an attempt to calm the tremors that wreaked havoc over your body.

“What I was saying earlier... you won’t be stuck in this place forever. You can leave to the world of your books whenever you would like; whenever you feel stuck or scared, you can come with me and we can stay in the worlds you wrote about for as long as you wish. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” Dazai told you, a gentle smile gracing his face as he spoke. “You won’t ever be tormented by your past again, as long as you’re here. You’re safe with me.”

“But... the Taints...” You began, the severity of your panic rising again once more as you worried about having to face those monsters of darkness.

“Hey, look here, darling.” Dazai slowly moved his hands to your face, directing you to meet his eyes. “You’re a strong girl. You’ll get through this, and if you’re stuck, I’m here to help you. We’re all here. Alright?”

Those words of reassurance melted away all your doubts, replaced by absolute trust in him and the rest, but especially him. He was the one you adored so much. And he adored you all the same.

You sobbed in relief, the pent up emotions all released in a flow of tears as you relaxed in his arms, the tremors of panic finally subsiding. Dazai carded his fingers slowly through your hair, gently massaging your scalp and rubbing your back as he hushed your sobs.

“Shh, shh... you’re alright now, my love. Everything is alright. I’m so proud of you, you got through it so well...” he praised you quietly, planting a soft kiss to the top of your head.

He slowly helped you to your feet, and you both walked to the infirmary for Shuusei to give you a proper antidote for your anxiety. For the remainder of the day, Dazai was at your side as Shimazaki, Chuuya, and the cat calmly explained to you your duties along with the rest, and with everyone’s help you slowly became adjusted to your new setting. Later, Dazai took you to a room with windows looking out towards the night sky. As you admired the dark blue hues surrounding the twinkling stars, Dazai hugged you from behind, placing a chaste kiss on your cheek.

“See? It isn’t so bad here, is it my love?”

You smiled softly to yourself, placing a hand on his arms around your torso. “Yeah, it isn’t. Thank you, Dazai-san. Really,” you said softly, looking to the side to meet his golden eyes.

He beamed back at you and kissed your forehead. “Anything for my dearest.”

He pulled back and took your hand in his. “You must be tired from today. You need to rest... come now, I’ll show you to your room,” he said, leading you out towards the corridor as you both went to find your bedroom.

After bidding you goodnight with a kiss, Dazai started back to his own room, but was stopped by you tugging on his sleeve.

“Um... can you stay for just tonight? Please?” You asked him timidly, looking down shyly at your feet.

A fond smile made its way to his lips as he looked back at you, turning to take you into his arms and placing another warm kiss on your lips. “Of course, my dear. Let’s rest now, shall we?”

And so you did, whisked off to the world of dreams in your bed, safe in Dazai’s arms.

// I hope you liked this Sara! Thank you so much for requesting, and sorry for the delay!

#bungou to alchemist x reader #bungou to alchemist #bungou to alchemist imagines #bungou to alchemist scenarios #bungou to alchemist dazai #bta dazai #bta dazai x reader

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