#WHY DO I HAVE TO GO INTO WORK RIGHT AS I WANNA WRITE THIS????????? UGGGHHHH 😩😩

[leslieseveride]

dreamt that s6 premiered last night and that tim proposed to lucy, and while as far-fetched as it is to get a chenford proposal of all things straight out the gate, i must admit tim bradford circling back to the spot where he first asked out lucy in front of the precinct to pop the big question is so incredibly genius of my brain to come up with during my deep slumber, therefore i have to add it to my never ending list of wips.

[okaybutlikeimagine]

What would happen if Billy accidentally hurt himself but he was trying to hide it from Hop because he doesn’t want to go hospital but he finds out anyways ☕️

duuUUUUDE OKAY YES bc Billy is Reckless and Steve is a dumbass, really, and Max is Done and just wants to go hang out with Lucas or El or hell even MIKE but Steve didn’t believe Billy when he said that he taught Max how to skate so Billy asks Max for her board and tries to show Steve some tricks.

Problem is… Billy hasn’t skated in YEARS. So he’s a little rusty.

��Come ON Billy, seriously?”

“You owe me for how often I drive you around.”

“Uggghhhh FINE, just don’t break it!”

Max kicks up her board and hands it to Billy grumpily. Billy pats her head and Max swipes at his hand as he puts the board down and skates back to Steve. He’s a little wobbly, Max notices, but she just walks herself back to the curb and sits down with a huff. It’s after school and they’re off near the library exit where no one hangs around so that no one can see Billy and Steve being handsy.

Will walks by, having hung behind the group to check out a book from the library, and notices them.

“Hey Max, what’s up? Lucas was just saying he was going to ask you to hang out but he couldn’t find you.”

“Yeah, because my stupid brother wants to impress his stupid boyfriend!”

“Hey!” Billy and Steve yell back at her simultaneously, Billy trying to do a trick on the board. Max sticks her tongue out, but Will is looking at them and smiling shyly. He thinks Billy and Steve are so cute. He wants to find a boy who will look at him the way they look at each other. They make him feel like being gay is totally fine.

He sits on the curb next to Max, watching as Billy skates circles around Steve and Steve just has his hands on his hips, cheeks a little pink.

“Did you wanna come play some D&D tonight with us?”

“Yeah sure, if they’re ever done skipping circles around each other. I don’t have a ride otherwise.”

“I’m sure Jonahan will drive you. He’s already planning to see Nancy and your house is kind of on the way.”

‘Yeah alright. What book did you check out?”

“Oh it’s gonna help me with-”

“OW HOLY FUCK!”

The two kids look up to see Billy’s ankle is… not where it should be.

“OhmyGOD Billy!” Max is screaming and up and running towards him, Will a little behind. Steve is bent over the boy where he’s lying on the ground, grimacing hard and near wailing any time a sound comes out. “You absolute idiot! When I said don’t break my board, I didn’t mean your bones were a good substitute!”

“Shut up, Max!” Billy barks, accepting Steve’s help to get up.

“We’ve gotta get you to a hospital, babe.” Steve’s voice is filled w/ concern but Billy has an INTENSE fear of hospitals so he just grabs Steve tighter and rasps

“NO.”

“Babe, I think it’s broken!”

“It’s at least sprained…” Will says, no color in his face.

“NO. Promise me, alright? No hospitals.”

“Babe-”

and Billy does the only thing he can think of, which is give an incredibly dizzying kiss to Steve and wrap his pink around the pinky of the hand that Steve’s not using to hold Billy up and he pulls away with a “Promise?”

“Yeah promise~ wAIT, no, Billy!”

“You already promised, pretty boy.” Billy says, before putting as much weight on the ankle as he can. It’s clear he’s forcing himself through the pain but after walking in a few circles he looks at the group like: See?? I’m fine!

Will and Steve are the dictionary definition of concerned but Max just rolls her eyes and calls him a dumbass who “at least needs to ice it” before she skates to the front of the school to see if she can catch up with Lucas.

And Billy tries to hide it for fuckin’ DAYS my dude. This boy walks around on a sprained ankle and limps a bit and the first night Hopper is Tired and doesn’t notice but El does and tries to get it out of him but he’s real good at keeping it straight.

The next day Hopper notices at breakfast.

“Somethin’ up with your paw there, kid?”

“My what?”

“Your foot, kid, your foot. What’s wrong with your foot?”

and Billy gets defensive as fuck which honestly, NOT gonna help in making himself look fine but it hurts and he’s just a little on edge over here.

“Nothing’s wrong with my foot, see?” He stomps on the ground and somehow manages to not flinch at it. Hop eyes Billy disbelievingly over his spoonful of cereal.

The day after that, Billy asks Hop to drive him to school.

“You want me to do what?”

“Drive me to school, what, can you not do that?”

“I can, but I have no idea in hell why you’d want me to.”

“Because I’m sick of putting gas in it and I forgot yesterday and I don’t wanna go get gas right now because I’ll probably be late if I try right now and Steve is working right now and-”

“Alright, alright, I get it, I’ll drive you!”

Hop eyes Billy oddly as he favors one foot.

And it’s not until the third day when Hop gets a call at the station that Hop really finds out. It’s the coach of the school’s basketball team, telling Hopper that he needs to get Billy’s ankle checked out bc “he’s been unable to practice for 3 days now.”

And when Hop sees Billy next, he just crosses his arms and nods to his truck and says: “Get in the car, kid.”

“Where we headed, Disneyland?” Billy snarks, irritated as all hell bc his painkillers wore off an hour ago.

“The hospital, you brat.”

“What? Why would I need to go to the hospital? I’m not sick or anything-”

“Cut the crap, your coach called me at the station today.”

“Fuck him.” Billy mumbles as Hop puts a calming hand on Billy’s shoulder and guides him back out the door. (Joyce took El in for dinner bc neither of them felt a hospital would be a good place for her to be hanging out in, even if she was with Hopper.)

“Look, I’ll be fine.” Billy tries in vain.

“Steve said he thinks it’s broken.

“That bitch” Billy hisses. “Dad I-” he catches his breath. “I hate the hospital.”

“Yeah, I’m not a big fan either, but I don’t need medical school to tell you walking on a break isn’t a good idea.”

Billy grumbles and pouts the whole way, whining like a kid when they finally get there.

“Please, I’ll… I’ll just wrap it up or something.”

“Don’t think I won’t carry you in there, kid. In fact, maybe I should carry you in there.”

But Billy glares him down and says he’d rather die than have someone see him get carried in, so Hop just helps him in.

KAY now, with all that said, I just need us all to imagine a nervous Billy, body language making him look small as he sits on the middle of a little examination table and picks at the paper on it and jumps a bit when the super sweet doctor comes in and tells him he needs a cast bc his ankle is broken.

And then Billy hobbling out w/ a boot on his ankle and mouth pouting around a cherry lollipop as the doctor follows him and tells Hop: “Your boy was very brave!” with a super sweet smile that Billy wants to slap off his face.

And EVERYONE signs the cast!! Like, everybody. All the kids, Hopper, Joyce, Jonathan, Nancy- even Tommy and Carol (although Tommy totally draws a dick on it to which Billy has to smack him and turn it into a flower or something bc “fuck you, dude, my sister is gonna see that!”). Steve signs it like, fucking 5 times, drawing little hearts and stuff all over it and even writing “I love you” and kisses Billy’s cheek after writing it and Billy’s face is blushing hard as he pouts about his foot being in a fucking cast.

[aziraphaleandcrowley]

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

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Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it