#WHY COULDNT SAMMY REST AFTER WHAT HAPPENED IN PRACTICE

[nylwnder]

literally me right now

[vinylackles]

the story

word count: 4,367

requested by: anonymous

summary: this is a bit of backstory about sam and the reader, from their proposal (towards the end of season 11) all the way to their honeymoon! 

a few of my other fics [ring and the cabin] are kind of involved in this fic (the timeline for ring, and the actual cabin if you’d like to read them as well, though you don’t have to :)

all my works || request imagines here

the push:

Dean had been on his ass for weeks, and Sam had gone out to the store to buy a new duffle bag simply so he would never have to share one with his brother again. He wasn’t supposed to find the box, but he hadn’t stopped prying, and today was no exception.

“If you’ve already got the ring why don’t you just ask her already you chicken,” Dean had said as soon as he walked into the kitchen.

“You’re right Dean, I’m so sorry for not taking your advice, considering how many successful proposals you’ve done. Oh wait, that’s right...”

“Alright, low blow,” Dean grumbled, sipping at his coffee. They fell back into the tense silence that had been over the bunker for the last few weeks. They knew, with Amara lurking out there that they were going to have to act, and soon. 

The aching fear in Sam’s belly about what would happen when the time did come to face the darkness wasn’t helping his tolerance either. 

“Sorry. I’ve just got more important things to worry about right now,” Sam mumbled, turning back to the book he had been scanning before Dean interrupted. 

“No you don’t,” Dean countered. Sam only lifted his eyes to roll them. “Seriously Sam, you shouldn’t be puttin’ all this crap above your personal life.”

The younger Winchester had to stifle a laugh.

“Uh, where have you been for the last 25 years of our lives? That’s what we do Dean, that’s what all hunters do. You stow your crap and you do the job. And right now, the job is Amara.” 

“I can handle Amara. It might not be pretty but I can handle her.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m worried about,” Sam murmured, frustration growing. Dean was silent for a while, and it put an odd tension back into the room. 

“Sam.”

“What.”

“Sammy look at me.” There was an aching vulnerability in his brothers voice that Sam couldn’t deny even if he wanted to. He looked up, marking his spot in his book. 

“I’m sorry if I’ve been on your ass lately, about proposin’ and all that. It’s just, I think I see the end of this road, with the darkness and everything. I think I know - I think we both know how this is gonna end, and I know how screwed up I got all those times that you were... gone. I just want you to be happy. Once I’m gone.”

“Dean, stop it.”

“Just hear me out, okay? I know I’ve always been the one that said we keep hunting, that we could never stop. I gave you crap for leavin’ me in purgatory and going after your normal apple-pie life. But I want you to know, that if this ends with me on a pyre, and you wanna walk away.... that’s okay with me. You’ve more than earned it, and besides, you’ve got somethin’ more important to care about now.” 

Sam’s throat was too tight for him to answer, and thankfully, Dean didn’t wait on one.

“That girl of yours, she’s somethin’ else Sam. I knew it from the minute you found her, and I couldn’t think of anyone better for you. I mean that. She’s basically a little sister to me, and you two deserve each other. You deserve to be happy Sam. I know that’s not easy, with what we do, so if you need to throw in the towel, you can.”

“Can you save the death bed speech Dean? Please? You aren’t dying over this, I’m not gonna let you,” Sam’s voice cracked on his brothers name, giving him away.

“We’re all gonna die eventually little brother. And you’ve gotta make the best of it while you’re here. From where I’m standin’, it looks like the best of it for you is in the shower right now, blaring that song she’s been playing all week.” He chuckled a bit, the sound of Y/N’s music a dull murmur in the background. “So could you do your big brother a solid and lock that down, for good, before I end up walkin’ into something I’m not sure I’m gonna walk out of? It’d give me some peace of mind.”

Sam just nodded, unable to say anything around the lump in his throat. But when Dean clapped him on the shoulder he reached up and caught his hand, squeezing tightly.

the proposal:

It was only three days after his talk with Dean, and he hadn’t planned on doing it then. He’d run through a thousand plans in his head, and eliminated them all one by one. Rent out a stadium - too over the top. Just ask her one morning - she deserved more than that. Get her a puppy and put the ring on the collar - tempting, but they couldn’t take care of a dog. 

And so he’d decided that it would be whenever it felt natural, and preferably before anything major happened with Dean and the darkness. He could give his brother what he asked for - it was the least he could do. It wasn’t like he wasn’t planning on doing it soon anyways. 

It started when Y/N had climbed into bed, still fully clothed, and cuddled up to his side, resting her chin on his chest. She looked up at him through her lashes while he read his book, a tell-tale sign that she wanted something.

“Hi baby. Whatcha need?” He asked.

“I want ice cream.” She grinned, hopeful. He couldn’t resist that smile, and she knew it too.

“I think we have some vanilla in the freezer. But you want Mosley’s, don’t you?” He knew her order at the local ice cream shop by heart. 

All she did was smile sheepishly as an answer, scooting up the bed to press a kiss to his lips. 

“Let me get my shoes on.” He kissed her again before getting up and heading to the closet. Y/N snagged one of Sam’s flannels and threw it on with the shirt and leggings she was already wearing.

“I’ll get the keys from Dean, meet you in the garage!” She gave him one more peck on the cheek before bounding out of the room, obviously excited for the inevitable ice cream.

When she was gone, it struck him. Maybe tonight could be the night. So he pocketed the ring quietly in his jacket, trying not to focus on the weight of it against his chest. 

He almost forgot about it, no room for much else in his mind when he saw her perched on the hood of the impala waiting for him. She was just mindlessly scrolling through her phone, perfectly relaxed with no idea what was coming. He didn’t want it any other way.

“Ready beautiful?”

“Mosleys here we come!” Y/N exclaimed, hopping down off the car and moving to the passenger side. Sam had barely gotten in before she slid over to lean against him, nuzzling up to his side like she always did when it was just them. 

“You’re so comfy. How can you be so muscley and so comfy at the same time,” she mumbled, her cheek squished against his shoulder. He just laughed, wrapping his right arm around her and kissing her forehead. 

When they got to Mosleys, she stayed in the car. Sam was good enough friends with the owner to ask for a special favor, and he walked out with both their favorites in a small styrofoam cooler filled with dry ice. 

He could see Y/N’s eyes squint in suspicion through the windshield as he got to the car.

“What’re you up to Winchester?” She asked as soon as his door was open.

“It’s a surprise. You know, those things you hate?” 

She squinted her eyes even more, scrunching her nose in the most adorable way. He leaned over the cooler and kissed her softly, bringing her out of her mood, but only slightly.

“I’m just taking my girl on a date, is that allowed?” He teased as Baby rumbled to life. 

“I suppose.” She muttered, moving the cooler to the other side of her legs so she could cuddle back up to him. They drove for about 30 minutes, to a little outlook that sat high above a lake. They’d been there before, but never at night, and as Sam expected, when they got out the sky was spattered with some of the brightest stars he’d ever seen. 

“Woah,” she whispered as she got out of the car, eyes wide, cooler in her arms. Sam popped the trunk, silently thanking his brother for the fact that there was still a blanket in the back. He spread it out over a patch of grass, motioning for Y/N to come join him. She sat down while he unpacked the ice cream - the man had given him pints of each of their favorite flavors on the house once he’d told him the plan. 

She toyed with the fog that was coming out of the container from the ice, fascinated by it as it disappeared in the warm Kansas air.

“It’s even more beautiful out here at night,” she said when she finally looked back up at the sky. Sam passed her the pint with a spoon stuck in the top. She took it happily, scooping some out and pressing it against her tongue. He wasn’t sure how she looked so cute all the time - surely it was exhausting. 

Somehow, while staring at her at that moment, all his nerves disappeared. He was so sure of her, of them, that it seemed silly that he was nervous in the first place. So the next words out of his mouth came naturally, easy as water.

“Do you wanna get married?”

“Duh, you know that,” she said, staring up at the sky.

That didn’t go as planned. 

“I mean, do you want to marry me?” 

“You bought me ice cream and took me to see the stars, who else would I marry?” She mused, still not looking at him. Even when he reached into his pocket and pulled out the box, she remained oblivious, staring at the sky. He took the opportunity to move back a little bit and prop himself up on a knee. 

“Y/N. Will you marry me?” 

“I mean are you gonna give me a ri- HOLY CRAP!” She turned around finally, almost swallowing her spoon at the sight of him there on one knee. 

“Don’t choke,” he chuckled, resisting the urge to reach over and swipe the spoon out of her mouth. She did the honors, letting it drop onto the blanket.

“Sam.” She was breathless it seemed, her eyes flickering between his face and the ring.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, I just wanted it to be the right time. You’re all I want, forever. And I thought we could make it, you know, official? If you’re up for it?” 

That was so not what he was planning on saying. But she didn’t seem to care in the slightest.

“Yes. Yes, yes, yes holy crap yes!” She practically squealed, tackling him in a kiss. He rolled slightly so his legs didn’t get trapped behind him as he kissed her back, both their smiles bursting through every time their lips parted. 

“You didn’t even let me put your ring on,” he teased, brushing some hair back from her face. Y/N sat up, tugging him up with her so she was sitting on his lap. He picked the box up, pulling the ring carefully out of the velvet and sliding it onto her finger. It fit perfectly, making him smile.

“It’s beautiful,” she said, and he could hear her tears in her voice. 

“I love you.”

“I love you more.” 

the engagement:

Planning a wedding and hunting weren’t exactly conducive activities.

“Baby, you can stay here if you need to, I know you wanted to meet with that florist,” Sam sighed a bit, watching you pack your bag.

“Flowers aren’t going to do me much good if my fiance is dead in a vamp nest somewhere,” you muttered, tossing an extra change of clothes in and zipping it up. 

“Hey. C’mere.” Sam’s voice was gentle and you felt the tension leave your shoulders as you moved over towards him. 

“I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you, I’m just stressed out. I want it to be a perfect day,” you mumbled, burying your face in his chest as he held you.

“I know. It’s gonna be perfect no matter what, cause we’re gonna be married at the end of the day, regardless. But I know you want it to be a certain way. I just wish it didn’t stress you out so much.” 

“Have you met me? Everything stresses me out.” You chuckled, pressing your forehead into his chest. He laughed with you, hand coming up to run through your hair. 

“Well, we’ve got a few months left before the wedding. What’s left?”

“Flowers. And I’ve got the last fitting for my dress, Jody is coming with me for that. All the guys have their suits, the girls are getting their dresses back from the tailors. We have the cake, we’ve got the rings. Dean’s building the alter stuff.”

“So.... just the flowers then?”

“And the honeymoon...”

You tried again, though you knew it was futile. Maybe, just maybe he’d slip up and give it away. 

“The honeymoon is taken care of, I promise. How about when we get back from this hunt we go to the florist together, yeah?”

“You don’t want to go to the florist, you couldn’t care less about the flowers,” you accused, but it was lighthearted.

“Yeah, but you care, which means I care. Now c’mon, we’ve got some vampires to kill.”

the wedding:

For once, the Kansas weather had decided to cooperate. It was a beautiful day, sun shining over the bunker, a nice breeze keeping it from being too hot. Everything was perfect, and yet you still couldn’t breathe. 

“Y/N? Hey, are you gonna be okay if I leave you here to walk mom down? I can get Cas to do it if you need me to.” Dean's worry was obvious as he slipped a hand under your elbow, as if you were going to fall. You weren’t sure that you wouldn’t.

“No, no I’m okay. Just, uh, hurry back, okay?” Your voice was strained. You weren’t sure why you were so nervous - everything had gone to plan, everybody you and Sam loved were there. 

“You got it. Hang in there.” Dean squeezed you a bit before letting go and moving up the line to let Mary take his arm. You knew Sam was close by, so you stayed hidden in the bunker stairwell. Neither of you had wanted to see the other beforehand, but not having him there with you was probably why you were so nervous - you two had never been the greatest at separation. Music had begun to play, and you knew the processional was moving along.

The alter had been set up behind the bunker, in a little clearing of the woods. There was a path lined with flowers, up to a beautiful alter that Dean had built from some reclaimed wood he’d found. It was beautiful to anyone, not just your biased eyes. You kept yourself hidden, but peaked out just enough so you could see everyone walking down. 

Cas lead, with Claire on his arm. He kissed her cheek before they moved to their appropriate sides of the alter. Next was Jack, who did double time and walked both Patience and Alex down, since Dean was on his way back to you. 

The sight of familiar faces made it a bit easier to breathe. Garth was there, and Donna. Mary was beaming at her son, but you refused to follow her gaze. If you looked at Sam now, you knew you’d start crying. Jody was standing at the alter - she’d gotten ordained just for you two. 

Dean made it back to you quickly, holding up his arm for you to take.

“You ready for this?” 

“I don’t know why I’m so nervous. It’s just Sam,” you murmured, more to yourself than to Dean.

“You’re just excited I bet. Sam was shakin’ in his boots all morning waiting for you. I’ve got yah, okay? I’ll get you down the aisle and Sam will take it from there.” 

Something in the familiar cadence of his voice, and knowing that you’d be right there with Sam in just a minute made your nerves cease enough for you to take that first step, out into the light.

You clutched onto Dean’s arm and matched his pace, watching the petal-covered grass underneath your feet. And when you heard the sound of everyone rising from their chairs, you lifted your eyes from the ground.

And there he was.

You’d known what suit he was going to wear. What color his tie was, which flowers would be on his boutonnière. You’d seen his smile a thousand times. But he was beaming, and you could see the tears welling up at the sight of you in your dress.

And it didn’t matter that everyone was looking at you, or that you were crying too. He was there and he was about to be your husband, and you couldn’t have been happier in that moment.

“Easy tiger, it’s not a race,” Dean murmured, trying to slow down your pace. You hadn’t realized you’d sped up so much, automatically drawn towards Sam. Why had you made the aisle so long?

Finally, finally, you got there. Dean kissed your cheek and guiding you up the few stairs that he’d built. You passed your bouquet to Claire, who fixed the train on your dress and then you turned, gazing up at Sam. 

He was still crying, but trying to keep it together a bit more as he took your hands in his. You couldn’t do anything but stare at him, and take it all in as Jody spoke, about love and the importance of it.

You both pulled it together enough to repeat your vows to each other, though the tears were still streaming. Dean handed Sam the rings, and yours settled perfectly on your finger, as if it was meant to be there all along. Perhaps it was. 

You weren’t sure you’d ever heard sweeter words than “you may now kiss your bride”, and you couldn’t help but smile when you felt the cool metal of Sam’s ring on your cheek when he cupped your face, bending down to kiss you. 

It was soft and warm and different somehow. You were kissing your husband, and you weren’t sure you were even going to get over that.

Everyone cheered as you headed down the aisle, back to the door of the bunker that you’d come out of.

You disappeared inside for a moment, pulling Sam with you. As soon as the door closed behind you you were kissing him again with as much fierceness as you could muster, somehow trying to put action to the happiness that was burning inside of you. He obliged, taking your hips in his hands, hands splayed out against the white fabric that covered you. 

It took you a minute to work it out of your system, and you knew that everyone would probably starting to trickle in from the ceremony in just a moment. When you pulled away, you weren’t sure you’d ever felt happier. 

“You didn’t even let me carry you over the threshold,” Sam chuckled, resting his forehead against yours.

“Sorry,” you whispered, laughing with him. 

“The stairs will do,” he grinned, getting that boyish glint in his eyes that made your heart warm since the first time you saw it. He scooped you up, starting the descent off the balcony.

“Please don’t fall and break a leg, I know you can’t see those stairs over this dress,” you cautioned.

“Ever the romantic,” Sam teased, kissing your cheek. You reached the bottom at the perfect time, getting one more kiss in before the doors open and everyone began to funnel in from outside. You both waited at the bottom, accepting everyone’s hugs and well wishes. 

When Dean got to you, he took you by surprise, picking you up and spinning you around. 

“Welcome to the family Winchester,” he had said, and it was the first time in a long time you’d seen Dean truly happy. 

The night moved on like most weddings, you assumed. Everyone ate pizza that you’d ordered from the local joint, and there was wine and beer and cake and dancing. You’d pushed all the tables to the walls in the library, leaving the whole space open; a makeshift dance floor.

Your first dance song played from the record player in the corner, and you smiled as Sam held you close, whispering sweet nothings in your ear. After that, it seemed everyone wanted a chance to dance with the bride, so you were passed around through the slow songs. Much to your surprise, Jack seemed to be the best dancer of all of them. He later revealed he’d watched some youtube videos on how to slow dance, obviously proud of himself. 

You found yourself back in Sam’s arms again as the night began to wind down. 

“You ready for our honeymoon?” He murmured, pressing a kiss to your hair. 

“How can I be ready if I don’t know where we’re going? You wouldn’t even let me pack my own bag,” you countered, scrunching up your nose at him. 

“You’ll know soon enough. C’mon, let’s go.”  

the honeymoon:

“I knew it!” She exclaimed, making Sam smile as he brought the car to a stop outside the cabin. He didn’t tell her that they were only spending the night there, that in the morning they’d be driving to the airport and heading off to the beach. 

He got out first, moving around the car to open Y/N’s door for her and help her out. She had been so eager to leave and see where they were going that she’d insisted her dress was comfortable enough to ride in. She somehow looked even more beautiful out there amongst the trees, dressed in white, relaxed and completely herself. 

“C’mere,” he said quietly, taking her waist in his hands and pulling her to him. She melted under his touch it seemed, pliant under his lips as he kissed her. She was sweet to taste, and he could feel her smile. With a sigh he pulled away, but only to grab the smaller overnight bag he’d packed for them. 

“We don’t need the big bags yet. Besides, I don’t see many clothes in our immediate future.”

“Oh?” She blushed bright pink.

“As sad as I am to see it go, I am so ready to get you out of that dress. Also, you aren’t cheating me out of my threshold this time,” he grinned, tossing the bag over his shoulder before scooping Y/N up.

“I love you,” she said, breathless as he carried her through the doorway.

“I love you too, wife.” The word felt so natural on his tongue, and the he wished he could keep the smile it brought to her face there forever. “C’mon beautiful, let’s get you to bed.” 

Their shoes were first, and the dress was next. It had delicate buttons along the back, and he fumbled with them, his long fingers getting in his own way as they both laughed through his struggle. When he finally got them undone it fell heavy to the ground, revealing delicate, white lingerie that about sent him to his knees. It took all his self control to move away and hang the dress up on a spare hanger, hooking it over the door of the bedroom. 

He slipped out of his dress shirt, having already lost the jacket and tie back at the bunker before they’d left. He was about to sit back down before he caught the look his wife was giving him. 

“What?”

“I’m only in my underwear... you too. Equal partners, remember?” She teased, quirking an eyebrow. 

He just laughed, undoing his belt and tossing it aside before letting his pants fall to the floor. She gasped, making him panic a bit, looking down at his plain black boxer briefs. 

“What!?” He asked yet again.

“No white lace?! What kinda wedding night is this!?” She faked her exasperation, but she could only keep up the act for a moment before she burst out laughing.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” he teased, moving to the bed in a fluid motion, wrapping a strong arm around her waist and lifting her just enough to guide her onto her back.

Everything paused when she winced, sucking in a breath.

“Baby? What’s wrong?”

“One of my hair pins just poked me. I swear, there must be five hundred of them in there,” she muttered, nose scrunched as she looked up towards her hair.

“C’mere, I’ll take em out.” 

Sam guided her back up to sitting, letting her settle in his lap facing away from him as he began to run his fingers through her hair, picking out the pins that were stuck within it. He smiled as the curls began to fall, and she relaxed more and more every time he found a new one to take out. 

His hand was full by the time he was done, and he put them all on the bedside table, running his other hand over Y/N’s sore scalp. She was practically purring under his touch, leaning her weight back onto his chest. He peppered kisses along her skin, up her neck, along her jaw, finally catching her lips when she turned to look at him. 

She twisted on his lap, settling with her legs wrapped around his waist, moulding to him like she always did. 

The night was spent intertwined in every sense of the word, slow and warm and soft, with whispered I loves you and promises. They fell asleep pressed against each other, safe in knowing that it was really the two of them, forever.

leave me feedback and i’ll cry okay

[girl-next-door-writes]

I Don’t Want This Night To End - Part 4

Characters: Dean x Reader

Summary: Each New Years Eve is magical but how much can one night change your life?

Word Count: 5420 words

Warning:  Angst, miscarriage.  Sorry guys, this one is a little off our usual fluffy style.

A/N: This is a collaborative fic brought to you from the laptops of @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester and @girl-next-door-writes. It is the fourth part in our mini-series and we have LOVED writing it so we appreciate any feedback and hope you enjoy.

Part 1      Part 2     Part 3   

31st December Present Day

Dean glanced at his watch as he realised it was starting to get dark and ordered himself another coffee as he went back to the night they finally got together. Not just a hook up. They were together. She moved in with him a week later after new years eve but it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies. They had to face a lot of shit. Specially y/n. She lost a lot of friends after she called off the engagement and she came out as the bad guy in the whole situation but to his credit, Henry was a complete gentleman. Mostly though they were happy. Happier than they had ever been. It didn't feel like anything had changed besides he could touch her and kiss her whenever he wanted to. People assumed he would have hated being in a relationship but actually he loved it. He loved every single second of it and their kisses never lost the fireworks.

31st December 2012

“Y/n, quit pouting. We are almost there.”he said poking her in the side as he pulled in the driveway of his brothers house. “I know you wanted to host a party, but, the doctor said you needed to rest. Come on, babe. We gotta do what the doctors say.”he said but she was still not looking at him and he let out a sigh as he turned the car off and got out before walking over to her side and opening the door for her. “I love you. We’ll get to throw one next year. Come on, babe, don't be mad.”he said with a pout as he leaned down to press a kiss on her lips.

She turned her head so his lips met with her cheek.  “I’m not ill Dean, I am perfectly capable of hosting a party.  Is this what it’s going to be like for the next six months?  You can’t keep me wrapped in bubble wrap Dean.  I am more than just some increasingly fat hormonal woman.”  Taking his hand she allowed him to help hoist her out of the car as she pouted at him.  Ever since they got the news people had been treating her like she was made of glass and she was sick of it.  Yes, they were all trying to help but it was almost as if they didn’t trust her to look after herself.  “Come on then.” she huffed.  “It’s not like I can even get drunk.”

“I never said you were ill, babe. Just following what the doctor said. Take rest. No stress and no heavy lifting. Organising a party would have required that plus Gabriel!” he said wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her against him before pressing a loud kiss on her cheek. “I won't get drunk either. Does that make it any better?”he asked as she glanced up at him and he stole a kiss by pressing his lips to hers. “You look fucking hot tonight.”he whispered in her ear before ringing the bell.

She rolled her eyes but she couldn’t hide the hint of a smile that appeared at his compliment.  “You promise we can host next year?”  she wrapped her arm around him and snuggled into his side as the door opened.

“I promise.”he said pressing a kiss to her head just as Sam opened the door“Well look who finally showed up!”  Sam joked.

“You miss one New Years Eve party and you never live it down huh?” Emily sighed dramatically as she shook her head.  It was a joke that she feared they would hear every year.

He couldnt help but roll his eyes. The joke was kind of getting old and annoying. “You really need to come up with new stuff, Sammy. It's just sad how you crack the same goddamn joke every year.”he said dryly

“At least we’re here, we could be having sex in the car.” she said innocently causing Sams eyes to widen as he looked at his brother.  “Yeah, remind me again why aren't we back in there? “he asked with a smirk appeared on his lips at Y/n’s statement. Fuck, he loved her., “Specially when you look downright Edible?”he asked knowing he was making Sam squirm. This would never get old. “Don’t give me that look. It's not like you haven't done it in a car before?”he said before raising an eyebrow. “Please tell me you have otherwise I kind of feel sorry for Jess and the lack of adventure in your life.”

“Happy New Year you two, Sam, let them in.  Come on through, grab some food.”  Jess smiled as she carried a tray of something yummy towards the lounge.  Following Sam into the house she smiled when she spotted Charlie and her new girlfriend.  

“Am I allowed to go talk to people or do I need to be escorted?” she joked as she smirked at Dean who had been practically glued to her side for the past few weeks.  “Why don’t you catch up with Gabe and Cas and let me admire my gorgeous boyfriend from across the room and see how long before I crack.”  

Waddling over to Charlie she could feel his eyes on her and she smiled, she was very aware that the bigger she got the more pronounced the duck walk would become but she knew he thought it was adorable.  Hoping that at some point she would get that ‘glow’ that people talk about instead of veering between nauseous and hungry, ecstatic and tearful.  Feeling a slight twinge in her lower back she sighed before putting on a smile and greeting Charlie.  As they talked she began rubbing her lower back as the occasional stab of pain shot through her.  She really could not wait for all these aches and pains to disappear.

He rolled his eyes at her as she walked away from him with a smirk on her lips and she had never looked more beautiful. “How is she doing?” came Castiel voice and he smiled at his friend. “As good as she can. She hates the resting part and thinks I am being over protective but I am just doing what the doctors asked me to.”he said shaking his head as he glanced up at Y/n and how she was trying to hide her discomfort. “And the mood swings don't help. She was crying yesterday because we didn't have cookie dough at home and half the time I don't even know what I am doing.”he said with a sigh as Castiel nodded along but there was nothing any of them could do. “Excuse me a minute.”he mumbled as he watched her trying to massage her back.

“So you aren't going to come and say hi now that you have a girlfriend?”he asked Charlie as he stood behind Y/n, pressing his fingers on her lower back, hoping it would help her relax as pressed a few kisses on her shoulder. He hated that she was in so much pain and he couldnt do shit.

His hands on her back were heavenly and she closed her eyes and rested her head back onto him with a smile.  Charlie grinned, “I told you these two were the most adorable couple.  I mean, I tried to set them up years ago but they always have to make things more difficult for themselves.”

“Yes well, nothing worth having was easily won was it.” She smiled brightly before frowning slightly as her neck began to ache.  Rubbing her shoulder she sighed.  

“Hey don't tell me. She is the one who ditched me for Gabriel who I haven't seen around. Is he okay? It’s too quiet. It's never safe when it's too quiet.”he as he shifted his attention to her shoulders.

“Anyone who tells you being pregnant is magical is lying.” she huffed as she placed a hand on her stomach and stroked her bump fondly.  

“Yeah but you look more beautiful than ever.”he whispered in her ear.

“It’ll all be worth it though.” They stood there listening to Charlie regale them with the tale of how she met Beth which was so sweet it nearly gave her toothache.  

“You want to lay down for a while?”he asked quietly only half listening to Charlie. Maybe they should have stayed him instead and had a night in with ice cream and some movie but he hadn't even suggested it after what happened when he told her she couldn't host the party.

“Dean, I’m fine.  It’s just pregnancy aches.  I’m going to go for a comfort break and I promise I will be right back, and when I say right back please factor in the pregnancy speed.  Oh, and Charlie, he promised me he’s not drinking tonight.” she said pointedly looking at Dean before placing a soft kiss on his lips.  

“I don't like seeing you in pain.”he mumbled pulling away from her and rolling his eyes. “Fine, fine. I won't follow you. God, I thought women liked the attention they got during the pregnancy?”he said as he watched her walk away and couldn't help but let out a happy sigh.

The bathroom really wasn’t that far but according to the doctor this was not going to be an easy pregnancy and so the short distance felt like a marathon and she just hoped she would make it in time.

“Did I hear it right? You seriously aren't going to drink?” came Gabriel's voice who sounded rather amused.

“Why was I missing you again?”Dean asked dryly as he shook his head. “He won't last an hour.” came Sam’s voice. “No, I think he could pull off six hours?” Charlie added thoughtfully. “Looks like we have a betting pool here. “Gabriel said with a grin and Dean just looked around with a scowl on his face.

“You know I am right here! Fine. I bet I can last the whole goddamn party without alcohol and tolerate each and everyone of you. Which let me tell you is a huge task.”he said wondering where y/n was. She had taken too long. “You, no cheating. I’ll be right back.”he said looking at Gabriel before he walked towards the bathroom and stood there for a few seconds, knowing she would just be annoyed but for some reason he was a little worried.

The cramps were getting worse and each time she thought about standing up she felt another pain.  She had been having random pains for the past few weeks but this time it felt different and she was getting a little bit worried.  Realising she had left her bag on the table next to Charlie she couldn’t even message Dean for help.  Taking a deep breath she steeled herself and grabbing the sink pulled herself to her feet.  Her heart dropped when she saw the drops of blood and she was glad she was still holding onto the sink because her legs were suddenly very weak.  Deans voice came through the door and she finally breathed again.

“Y/n/n, are you alright, babe? Been gone too long. They have a betting pool going one. They don't think I can last the party without alcohol. Should I say you back me up?”he asked trying to keep the worry out of his voice.

Hastily pulling up her panties she unlocked the door and almost fell into Deans arms, her eyes wide in panic.  “I’m bleeding.”  Another cramp ran through her stomach and she grabbed onto Deans arm as she practically doubled over in pain.  “Dean...the baby…” she gasped.

Dean’s arm came around her instinctively as she almost fell down and he could feel the panic radiating from her. “Hey it's okay. Maybe you should lay down? The doctor said a little bleeding is normal?”he said but then she was barely standing as the pain shot through her. “Nothing is going to happen, babe. The baby will be fine.”he said confidently as he scooped her in his arms and quickly made his way out.

“Sammy. SAMMY. get the car. We need to go to the hospital.”he called for his brother as he felt y/n trembling in his arms and his blood run cold but he had to be stronger for her. “Hurry up!”he snapped as someone opened the door for them and the cold December air hit them while he rushed to the car. He helped her in before sliding in himself, and pulling her in his lap as she laid down. “Sam, fast. Please.”he said meeting his brothers eyes in the rear view mirror where he could see the panic which thankfully y/n hadn't noticed. “Hey, we are almost there. Just a little while.”he said soothingly his hand never leaving hers.

She rested her head on his shoulder as tears streamed down her face.  “Dean, this is my fault. I...I should have rested, I should have listened to you, I shouldn’t have complained about being pregnant, you know I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it.” she sobbed as she had one arm wrapped around his shoulders while the other cradled her stomach.  The cramping was getting worse and she feared the worst.  

“No, it's not your fault. Don't say that. We don't know anything yet. It could just be nothing. Hey, stop crying.”he said, trying to calm her down but even to his own ears he sounded desperate as his arm tightened around her. “Of course I know you didn't mean it.  You love the baby. We both do.”he said softly

When Sam pulled the car up to A and E Dean was out carrying her through the door and yelling for someone to help.  She could feel the blood now dripping down the inside of her thigh and she just went numb.  She was aware of things happening around her, people talking, being whisked off to the maternity ward but she just couldn’t process anything that was happening.  

As soon as Sam stopped he had scooped her right back up and was running in, yelling and not really caring about anything in that moment as the doctor and nurses put her on a stretcher and started rushing he didn't even know where as he held her hand and had his eyes on her. “It's going to be okay. I promise. It's all going to be okay.”he said just as they pulled her away and asked him to wait outside which is when he broke down completely.

Sam ran up the corridor towards his brother and pulled him into his arms.  “Hey man, it’s okay, she’s in the right place alright.  Whatever happens we can get through this.”  Guiding Dean into the waiting room and making sure he sits down he quickly fires off a text to let the others know where they are.  Gradually the room filled up with worried faces all trying to tell him that it would be okay.

He didn't even notice that all their friends were in there as he sat in one corner with his head buried in his hands trying not to think of how they could lose the baby or worse how he would end up losing them both. He wasn't strong enough to live through that.

Emily lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.  There were exactly 100 squares on the tile above her head.  Aware that people were examining her and that her knees were now propped up she just felt heartbroken, almost like she already knew what they were going to tell her.  Eventually they pulled a sheet over her lower body and helped her sit up.  The look in the nurse's eyes caused tears to spring up in her own.  “Before you say anything, can you let Dean in please?”  her voice was so small, almost as if it wasn’t her own.

He was instantly on his feet when he saw the nurse coming out of her room and nodded when told she was asking for him. He took a deep breath to steady himself before he walked inside and the look on her face was enough for him to know what was coming. His jaw hardened as he promised himself not to break down in front of her. He was by her side in an instant, his arms coming around her as she leaned into him and he waited the doctor to lay out the worst for them.

“I am so sorry.  Unfortunately you have suffered a miscarriage.  These things happen and there was nothing you could have done.  We will give you a moment.”  The doctor, followed by the nurse left the room and she just leaned against Dean limp.  There were no tears, her face just blank as instinctively her hand reached down to rest on her stomach.  It was her fault.  She had let Dean down.  He had been so excited, so attentive and she had lost the baby.  She had lost it.  She felt his arms around her but all she felt was guilt, he deserved so much better.  Another cramp ripped through her and she gasped as she doubled over.  

Dean just kept hearing the words over and over and a huge part of him wasn't ready to accept it. This couldn't be happening to them. He closed his eyes, swallowing the lump in his throat before glancing at Y/n who seemed to be numb. He hadn't seen her like this before and it scared him. “Hey, it's okay. I have you. I was scared I’d lose you. I love you so much, Y/n. We--we will get through this.”he said softly, pressing kiss in her hair. He was even sure she was listening to him but all that went out the door when she let out a gasp and curled up, his eyes widening in fear as he yelled for the doctor and was again pushed out despite his protests. If it wasn't for the strong arms around him, holding him back he would have broken the fucking door and gone in. She needed him and here he was not able to do a goddamn thing to help her.

After another scan they informed her that she may experience the cramps and bleeding for a few weeks.  They also dropped the bombshell that it would be difficult to conceive again.  They prescribed strong painkillers and rest.  Fucking rest.  Maybe if she had rested in the first place she might not be here, might not have to look Dean in the eye and tell him that she couldn’t even give him a child.  They allowed her to clean up a little once the painkillers have kicked in and on shaky legs she crossed to the door.  She just needed to be at home, to get out of here. Opening the door she couldn’t even look at Dean.  Instead she stumbled towards Cas and let him wrap her up in an embrace.

Dean was pacing outside the room when she came out and he rushed over to her only to freeze on the spot when she walked past him towards Castiel instead. Had he lost her as well? “Y/n,”he mumbled his voice cracking a little as he hesitantly tugged at her elbow. “Do--don't leave me.”he said his voice finally breaking as tears trickled down his face and she still wasn't looking at him, breaking him into million more pieces.

Sam placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. “Just, give her a minute okay? She still trying to process and so are you.”  They watched as she asked Cas if they could talk in private and he looked desperately at Dean before agreeing.  “I need to go pick up this prescription.” She said in a monotone, her face completely void of emotion.

Sitting waiting for the painkillers she looked down at her hands that were resting on her now empty bump. “They say I might not be able to have kids.” These were the first words she had said since they left the waiting room and Cas looked at her with shock and heartbreak.  “How can he even look at me again Cas?  I lost our baby.”

“Stop right there.”he said firmly as he took hold of her hand.  “None of this is your fault and Dean certainly doesn't blame you.”  

“He was so excited Cas, he really wants to be a daddy and now… now I might never be able to give him that. Maybe if I had listened, rested more.  Hadn't stressed out about us not having the party at ours…” she trailed off and her friend wrapped her up in a tight hug.  Slipping his phone out of his pocket he fired off a text to Sam.

Cas:  Sam, She thinks this is all her fault, thinks Dean will hate her because she can't have kids.

He hummed soothingly into her hair as he felt her tears fall. “You need to talk to Dean.  He understands exactly what you are going through right now.” She knew he was right but she was so scared.  What if she looked into those beautiful green eyes and saw hate and betrayal?  She didn't think she could take that on top of everything else.

The moment she left with Castiel his whole posture changed. His shoulders slumped like a man who had given up on everything. “I--I need air.”he said not even looking at his friends as he swiftly walked away and made his way to the parking lot. He was sitting on the hood of his car when it actually hit him. They had lost their baby. A baby who wasn't planned but they both had been more than happy. Past few months had been like he was living in a dream and now that all seemed like ages ago. Like it had just been a dream.

To top everything y/n had pulled away. It felt like she had already decided to leave him. Maybe if he hadn't fussed over her so much they wouldn't be here. He didn't know how he was going to deal with the loss of the baby and y/n. He had never felt this broken and hopeless and lost. It had taken just a few hours for his life to fall apart.

He didn't know how long it was when Sam came looking for him.  Leaning on the car next to his brother Sam ran his fingers through his hair and licked his lips, wondering what to even say.  As soon as he had received the message from Cas he had taken off to see Dean, to try and convince him to go talk to her but how to broach it without making it worse?  “She loves you Dean.”  he began with certainty.  “She’s… she’s just scared.  She’s blaming herself and she thinks she’s let you down.”  

“She doesn't. She barely looked at me. I lost the baby, too, and now I am losing her. She is gonna leave me and I am not gonna be able to do jackshit about it.”he mumbled wiping the tears that had been falling down his face. “I promise her. I promised I won't let anything happen to her or the baby and I failed, Sam. I couldn’t keep them safe.”he said as more tears fell down his face. Dean was shaking his head at his words. She had to know he loved her. Nothing could change that. He didn't blame her. Not even for a second.

Sam turned his phone over in his hand a few times before taking a breath and pulling up Castiel’s message, passing it to Dean.  “She needs you man.”

Dean looked up at his brother before taking his phone and staring at the message. Over and over and over again until he had it burned in his memory. He let out a sigh and ran a hand down his face before getting up from the car and making his way back inside.

The moment he opened the door to go in, he saw her coming out with Castiel and he didn't say anything. Not really sure what to say. Nothing he could say would make it better. He quietly lead her to his car while Sam said cas would drop him off and he nodded barely looking at his brother as he tried to help y/n into the car but it felt like she was repulsed by him and his touch.

She couldn’t even look at him as she followed him to the car.  She was just tired, so tired and empty.  His hand on her arm caused her to jump and pull away suddenly, his touch surprised her and the reaction was instant without thought.  Sliding into the car she looked out of the window at Castiel who mouthed the words ‘talk to him’ at her and she nodded.  

The drive back home was quiet, both of them stealing glances when the other person wasn't looking. He pulled in the garage and she was out before he could even turn the car off and he let out a sigh trying not to breakdown as he followed her inside the house but while she made her way to their room he stayed downstairs and poured himself a drink. He couldn't lose her. Not like this.

As soon as she entered the house she became aware of all the things they had already got for the baby that would never be.  The cramps were still ripping her apart and she headed straight up the stairs in a zombie like state.  Pausing outside the door of what was to be the nursery she considered going in for a moment and blinking back tears she forced herself to keep walking.  There was no point going through things this evening.  Her whole body was aching and she just needed to rest.

He shook his head before downing the drink as he made his way to their room and stopped rather abruptly in front of the room that was going to be the nursery and he couldn’t swallow the lump in his throat. Maybe she didn't need him but he needed her.

She heard his footsteps on the stairs and knew that he had paused, just as she had.  It broke her heart that he was hurting so badly and she couldn’t even comfort him because it was her fault.  Curling up on her side tears slid down her cheeks as she wondered how long it would be until he left her, once he found out she couldn’t give him what he wanted, what he needed.

He walked into their room to find her already in bed with her back facing his and he couldn’t take his eyes off her as he stripped down to his boxers. She looked so small and fragile and he just wished he could change things. He quietly slipped behind her, pulling the covers over them before slipping his arm around her waist and burying his face in her neck. “I love you. I love you so much.”he whispered, his voice breaking, not even sure if she was awake or not.

Sniffing a little, trying to contain her sobs she turned over and buried her face in his chest, wrapping her arm around his waist.  “I...I...I am so so sorry.  I lost… I lost our baby.  Please don’t… don’t hate me.”  she sobbed, her whole body heaving now with the weight of her emotion.  Squeezing her eyes shut she couldn’t look at him, she just prayed that they could make it through this.

“Y/n/n, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. It's not your fault, babe. You need to stop blaming yourself. It happens. It's not your fault, you hear me? “he said softly his arms tightening around her as her sobs just got louder and he felt his eyes watering up again. “We’ll figure it out.”he said in cracked voice. “We can try again when we are ready.”he added pressing a kiss on her head while her hand stroked her back. Just to reassure her that she wasn't alone. That he wasn't going anywhere.

“Dean.” she began and then paused to take a deep breath.  “They said I might not be able to...to have… I can’t give you a family Dean.” her lower lip wobbled as she desperately tried to keep her emotions in check.  Steeling herself she looked up into his watery green eyes.  “I know how much you want kids Dean.  I… I will understand if you… I can’t give you that and you will find someone who can and… I won’t blame you Dean.” her breath caught and her lower lip dragged between her teeth as she tried to maintain eye contact even though this was breaking what was left of her heart.

Dean eyes widened as he tried to wrap his head around what she said. They couldn't have kids? And that broke him. What was left of him. He had always wanted a family. A family with y/n but it was like someone had it for them up there. First how long it took them to get together and now this. He was bought out of his thoughts as the words she was saying started registering. “Y/n. This doesn't change shit. I love you. I need you. I want you. You hear me? Don't you fucking dare leave me or even think about it. I won't know how to live without you. You are---you are my life, y/n.”he whispered looking down at her as he wiped away her tears and pressed kisses on both her cheeks. “We are a family and if we want a kid then there are other ways.”he said softly but she was still not looking at him. He tilted her head and made her look at him. “Say it. Say that you love me. Despite everything. That you want to stay.”he whispered.

Her face crinkled as she fought the tears. “Dean I love you so fucking much, no matter what but I want you to be happy.  There is someone out there who is a million times better than me who will give you beautiful mini Deans and make your life complete and even though it will break my heart I love you enough to let you go.”  Her hand came up and she ran her fingers over his jaw.  “I will stay as long as you want me.”  she murmured.

“Y/n. Don't you get it? I want a family and kids and apple pie life but with you. I want to have kids with you. There could be a million women out there but I would still chose you. You are mine. You are stuck with me besides we could always adopt Gabriel if we want a kid? “he said lightly as he said as he wiped away the tears and pressed a kiss to her nose. “I love you.”he whispered before pressing his lips to hers in a slow, deep kiss pouring in everything he felt. The hurt, the sadness but mostly the love he felt for her and having her back in his arms was enough reassurance for him. They were going to be fine.

Relief flooded through her as his lips met hers and she allowed herself to melt into his kiss.  The pain and the heartache were still there but her fear of losing him, of him hating her, that disappeared as he told her how much he loved her without using a single word.  Outside she was vaguely aware of fireworks being set off which must mean it was the start of a new year.  Pulling back from the kiss she rested her forehead against his as her hand rested on his shoulder.  “I love you Dean.” she whispered earnestly.

He could see the lights of the fireworks against the window just as she broke the kiss and his arm tightened around her, pulling her closer before smiling at her. He was still sad and hurting. They both were but at least they had each other. “I love you more.”he whispered pecking her lips again in a soft kiss.

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