#WHEW ok im gonna go make brownies

[phagodyke]

YEESSSSSSSSSSS dead cells title restored baby!!!!!!!

[ot5]

hi babe!! 💗 omg sounds like you had such a lovely day yesterday w half the batch of brownies 🥰 and... a skull... from the graveyard? ndksksk I LOVE that, please say you have a picture? I didn’t go to the park bc the weather app straight up lied to me and said it would be sunny but u know what it was? rainy. like the rest of this month and the last 🤡

anyway, I tried and I can’t send you a picture while sending an anonymous ask so I’ll show you my cat when this is over with!! 💗 and NDJSKSKS girl I just about died when you said your cat is called conchobar 😭💀 my cat is called louis so guess this was meant to be <3 we just call him lulu though 🥰

yeah missed flights are my speciality, if I make it anywhere without any trouble when I fly it’s a blessing 🥴 had missed connections and overnight stays and flights straight up cancelled, one time I had to take a taxi for a cancelled in-country flight to make it to the next airport for the connecting flight <3 the next flight was delayed for a couple hours so I made it but I arrived back home at 4am instead of 10pm like I was supposed to 🙃 and alright, gonna have to look up utrecht! I think heard the name before actually, where did you visit when you were in germany?

NDJSJS ok really didn’t think being neutral would be your downfall, rip 😔 here’s to hoping you won’t get blocked immediately 💔

how’s it going on your christmas decoration front? any progress? we set up all the stuff except for smaller decorations bc apparently sweden is a pain in the ass and sells christmas decoration without (!!) the stupid strings attached so I have to sit here and attach strings to every single piece by myself like an idiot 🤡 so we focused on the bigger pieces and ignored the smaller ones so far

and photoshop queen is back learning how to layer images and putting several images on top of each other 😩 my friend asked me something about how I cut the people out of their pictures and was like did you use this tool or that and I’m like uhh 💀 no idea. I am simply following a youtube tutorial mindlessly <3

also omg tbh I haven’t written any cards or gotten any gifts at all this year and I hate it but sweden still thinks masks are not necessary so I definitely will not go christmas shopping this year 🥴 I thought about designing some cards online and sending them to my friends and family in an email instead (since there’s no way they’d make it back to germany in time now) but haven’t really done anything yet. did you start with your christmas cards? 🥰 hope you had a cozy day today!! ✨💫

LOUIS AND CONCHOBAR SCREAM tell me this isnt fate omg our minds😌😌 i cant wait to meet him🥺 also hello rip i didnt mean to ghost for 2 days😭 im so sorry!!😔 i was busy being deceased i think my body decided to end the year early❤️ imagine if we got some sunshine tho..... WHEW

omg girl no offense but u sound cursed and i would not want to travel with you<3 the worst ive had is that they almost didnt let me on a plane once bc id put my first name on the ticket and my passport has completely different initials which. is on my parents🙄 and rip the way i suddenly dont know a single german city</3 i did go to berlin once with school which was fun eventhough the main thing i rmr is the way i didnt vibe with my host family’s special diet djksndj it was WARM and SUNNY tho which ..is smth ive yet to experience in sweden😳

bye we also had some really pretty ornaments that needed to get the string looped thru and i just said no❤️ but im glad to hear your decorating is coming along!!🥺 did you end up doing the smaller ones? also i gave up on my tree and got an even smaller one from the attic that already has stuff glued in bc i cant be bothered to do more tbh😔

layering images.. miss girl that already sounds like rocket science to me ur so smart and skilled we love to see it 👏 how many days do u have left on your trial?? im lowkey feeling nervous for you nskdfns are you gonna get the full thing after?

omg miss sweden😳 masks are mostly mandatory here thankfully but i feel you im not doing any shopping either:( designing cards online would be so cool!!! and smart via email...my cards are gonna be so LATE😭😭 but then again i dont think ive ever sent an international card that actually made it to the friend on time before christmas so djksfjs not gonna let that stop me🥰 i hope you’ve been well! and again im so sorry for the late reply!

[semenguine]

um eden i, i say. then i cough. it’s really hoarse and weird sounding because my throat’s scratchy and im starting to lose my voice. i, um.

huh, yeah? she says. she’s drinking a tim’s pumpkin iced capp. and doing work. i feel bad for distracting her from important stuff with my dumb stuff. i had a sip. it was kinda gross but kinda ok at the same time. she got it because she went to tims because i wanted more hot chocolate again. my stomach unsettles so i say nevermind just in case. i dont want eden to be cleaning me up and then i shit on her by accident.

you aight? she asks me with concern. she rubs the side of my face. yeah, i say. she kisses my forehead and goes back to reading something on her laptop screen. my stomach growls. you hungry? eden asks. i shake my head no. you sure? she asks. i nod.

i curl up a little as my stomach starts to cramp. hey, c’mere, eden says softly. what’s up? need something? more medicine? she wraps her arms around me. don’t touch me, i say quickly. please. she let’s go, looking confused and slightly hurt. i’m fine i just, my stomach cramps again. my muscles try to bear down but i stop them because i can’t do this in front of eden. my stomach hurts more in protest. the last few times she wasn’t in the room.

please? can i help at all? eden pleads. i close my eyes and turn my head away and shit myself. at first i think she won’t notice because it’s quiet and i’m under the covers, but then it gets noisy.

oh, eden says. politely, she takes her laptop and looks at it again, giving me some privacy. it makes its way into places i’d rather it didn’t go because it’s running out of room. i try not to cry because then she will try and comfort me and that’ll feel worse, but i cry anyway. oh no, sierra, eden frowns. it’s okay. it was just an accident. 

i really don’t want to talk about it, i sob. eden bites her lip, um, ok. um. i’m gonna be right back, ‘kay? gonna get you cleaned up. the thought of that humiliation makes me cry more. i don’t say anything.

she comes back and slides a ratty looking towel underneath me. i’ll make it quick, she says. well, you can’t make it quick even if you tried, i snap. because it’s disgusting, i cry more. it’s not disgusting, eden says, but she hasn’t even looked. she pulls the covers back. oh, she startles. oh, nevermind. it is disgusting, i mock her tone. hey, i didn’t say that, she looks up. don’t put words in my mouth. it was just more than i expected.

what do you mean? i demand. y-you know i’m sick and everything i eat has just been coming right back out and it’s been like 8 hours since you put this on me and i ate and drank tea and toast and bread and hot chocolate and a brownie and all this stuff and- i cut myself off and just cry and cry.

oh shit, sierra, i’m so, so so sorry, eden says. im so so sorry. i totally- i totally forgot to ask if you needed a change it completely slipped my mind, i’m so sorry, i really am. fuck, fuck, um, here, hey, she grabs some kleenex and gently dabs at my face. don’t cry, please. please? i’m so sorry.

it’s my fault anyway, i cry. i should’ve asked. no no no, she says hurriedly. i know how you feel. about asking me to do that. i totally should’ve remembered. i’m so sorry. i look at the ceiling teary-eyed and sniffle. do you forgive me? she prods gently. yeah, i say. i hiccup. i’m not mad at you i’m mad at me. you didn’t do anything, she kisses my cheek. it’s my fault. i’m a dummyhead, look, she hits her head. stop that, i admonish. i smile a little.

'kay, let’s get you cleaned up. i avert my gaze and try to pretend i am on the beach and eden is about to go down on me or something. sorry i’m like this, i say. don’t say that, eden’s sudden intensity scares me. you don’t have anything to apologize for. there’s nothing wrong with you, okay, sierra? and you’re not some big burden or inconvenience i hate dealing with. i love you. and i knew loving you came with stuff. everyone comes with stuff. i knew that you would need a lot of daily help with mental and physical things. and i don’t love you in spite of it or anything, i love you and everything about you. i love you as a whole person, not because of the things you can do by yourself. 

plus, she gently pokes my chest. you’re sick. go easy on yourself. one time when i was in grade 12 i got food poisoning, and i was throwing up in the bathroom, and then i shit my pants, and i was so embarrassed and sick and not thinking right that i didn’t know what to do, and i just stayed in there for like 2 hours by myself crying and throwing up still, before my mom came wondering if i was ok and she got so mad at me asking why i didn’t come get her. and she helped me clean up and she ran a bath for me and it was fine.

oh, i say. aw. my stomach rumbles. she looks up at me. again? she asks. no, i say. i’m just hungry. oh, she laughs. ‘kay. she peels off the tapes. diapers like this make me super self-conscious, but my nice ones are only designed for pee accidents, and can only handle a minor and not too messy other kind of accident. these ones i usually use for situations like this where i know it’ll be gross.

lift your butt up please, says eden. i obey. moving releases the smell somehow. whew, periodt, says eden. her face wrinkles a little. my self-esteem shrivels a bit. while she’s wiping my legs start shaking from the effort of holding myself up. almost done, she promises. she uses a bunch of wipes. nearer the front i start feeling stinging. i angle myself away. i know, she soothes. your skin there is a little enflamed, she says. just stay still so i can get it done quickly, yeah? i keep moving myself away because it hurts. sierra, hey, she says. i have to clean it or it’s going to get more irritated. then i’m gonna put some cream on it, and we’re gonna leave you out to air for a bit.

she helps hold me still. do i have a rash? i ask. yup, she says. she looks guilty. i’m sorry. that’s on me. it’s okay, i say cheerily. my mood keeps on improving the cleaner i get. is it bad? i ask. um, wouldn’t say it’s major, she says. but like, wouldn’t say it’s minor. i just- want to air you out down here, i don’t want it getting infected is my biggest thing. i nod. she slides the diaper out of the way. butt down. i put my butt down. she rolls up the diaper. and then takes some vaseline and puts it on the rash spots.

just let me know as soon as you think you gotta go to the bathroom and i’ll put a diaper on you asap. ‘kay? she says. ‘kay, i say. she throws the diaper out. she moves the towel. can you put some vaseline here, i tap the insides of my thighs. the legholes were rubbing. for sure, she says. ugh, i feel so fucking bad. i’m sorry your thighs chafed and you got a rash cause of me. i don’t care, the vaseline’s nice, i wrap my arms around eden when she’s done. she holds me. i rest my head against her chest and smile and she rubs my back.

you said you was hungry? eden asks. OH, yeah, i say. want me to warm you something? or tim’s again? need real food, i say. i need vitamins. she nods. i’ll be right back with food, don’t go anywhere, she says. couldn’t possibly, i say. she laughs.