#WHEEEE HEHEHHEEEE

[mickmundy]

hello everyone, happy friday! <3 i wanted to do my bushmedicine fic's chapter update a little differently this time and write up something like an analysis(?) of what's going on in sniper's head that i really can't talk about so candidly in my fics.

it's important to me that the reader knows that sniper is very much a flawed person and part of this fic is about him realizing (and understanding) his emotions and feelings, not just in relation to medic (because i think good character development must happen for the sake of The Self before The Ship if that makes sense). i wanted to talk about what i'm trying to get across as the author and important points i want the reader to take notice of! :-) so let's get to it!

so as we've known the past few chapters, medic and sniper are baking together. sniper's at the point where he starts feeling like he can be a bit more vulnerable around medic. he tells medic about how he used to bake with his mother... undoubtedly this is a bit of a bittersweet thing for sniper, given that he hasn't done something like this since his mum passed.

sniper tells medic about this time that he'd been baking with his mum and acted impulsively/selfishly on some desire he'd had. it wasn't ever his intention to displease his parents, least of all his mother. obviously we know from canon that sniper eventually does intentionally displease his parents by going off and being an assassin, but I think that was something that took a lot for him to do.

“I watched me mum toss the whole thing. I was devastated. I’d been lookin’ forward to that pie all week. [...] Stupid, that was. But I couldn’t help it.

when sniper took and ate the "ruined" pie, he knew what he did was wrong. betrayed his mum's trust, disobeyed her when she told him to throw it out, etc. the desire that overcomes sniper here can be taken literally (he's hungry and wants the dessert), but it's intended to be symbolic of this... other aspect of sniper's personality that sniper always knew was within him but never actually "put a face to"... not something that was evil, but something that simply... was. a part of himself that sniper knew but didn't understand.

"Didn’t mean to be selfish about it, but some desire just… overcame me. I’d wanted it so bad, even though I knew it was wrong."

this, in sniper's mind, while it was wrong, it wasn't evil. it didn't hurt anybody and nobody stood to lose anything. i think his mum would be someone that always did her best to be emotionally sensitive to sniper, but ultimately not in the way that sniper felt he needed. in his youth he'd fantasize (seldom ever, if ever, acting upon them) about doing (small) rebellious things that, in his mind, were forgivable enough so that his parents would know he was still sweet Mickey, but was kind of... testing the limits of their love for him. he couldn't help that part of him wanted something that was wrong... but would his family still love him anyway?

this is very important to sniper, because he felt completely outcasted by everyone except for his family (specifically his mother). they're all he has. maybe doing this harmless thing could serve as a test for how they'd treat him if he'd really messed up or done something "bad." he needed to know that his parents needed him as badly as he needed them. he's always felt a duty to his parents (as most children do) and that isn't something that sniper takes lightly. he loves his parents no matter what. but would they love him no matter what?

he's horrible at reading people, but he wants to be good at it. he wants to understand others but more importantly, he wants to be understood and accepted, not rejected. for Someone Like Me, this is just how... thinking is. and it can be tiring and frustrating and complicated and sometimes it's easier to just... feel nothing at all!

i delve into the idea of the... simultaneous smothering and rejection (and Commitment to Misunderstanding him) he feels from his parents in the fic following this one, so i don't want to say too much about it now.... hehe!

[...] “you… felt that hunger again?” Medic asked [...] Sniper wordlessly moved to help, following the doctor’s patterns. “Ye- well, I guess it never really… went away. Like it wasn’t even about the bloody pie in the first place..."

unfortunately, this "small act of rebellion" stuck with sniper for the rest of his life. these kinds of feelings don't just go away. and this isn't something that "randomly acting out" can fix. sniper's revisting this moment with the New Wisdom of what medic has (unknowingly) taught him about feelings and realizes that maybe it wasn't as literal as him wanting a pie or wanting to act out.

sniper's notoriously frustrated with his hunger, but it's beginning to grow more and more as he spends more time around medic; to medic, these kinds of feelings are part of who we are and there's nothing bad or wrong about them. they're beautiful and worth celebrating, actually! and at this point in the fic we can see that sniper is slowly learning that. this thing (thoughts, feelings, desires) you taught yourself to hate? it's not evil. it's worthy of love, actually. that voracious desire isn't something that you need to suffer at the hands of. grab it by the horns and enjoy it!

Medic adored Sniper and adored his hunger, the hunger that made him what he was. He wanted to bring that hunger out in Sniper even more, wanted to feel the starving gnash of its teeth and tell it that he hears it, sees it for its monstrousness and loves it anyway.

and here's medic, a coworker that sniper never gave a second glance to (and vice versa). we know medic is the emotional opposite of sniper: he's very "loud" with his feelings, never seeks to dilute his personality, prioritizes himself over others, etc. and these aren't negative traits to sniper. sniper admires that medic can say what he means and means what he says and does what he wants when he wants. medic doesn't have the same emotional struggles as Sniper, but he's sympathetic to them and patient with him. he's effortlessly "passing the test" of unconditional love that sniper has wanted from someone for so long.

It suddenly became absolutely necessary to put himself close to Medic.

after being vulnerable and reflecting on some random anecdote of his past with medic, the doctor doesn't reject him. doesn't coddle him and tell him he's perfect, either. nice, easy balance. that makes sniper feel safer, like he can maybe begin to truly talk to medic (and maybe get a little physically closer too!). of course, they had a pretty heavy conversation early on about sniper's revival, but sniper's still convinced that's just pity. with time though, he's beginning to see that medic really does want to emotionally invest in him, and cherishes him just the way he is... which nobody has ever done before!

medic already knows that sniper is worthy of love (and revival... hehe), and wants to be the person to give that love to sniper. he doesn't want sniper feeling shame for who he is, because medic adores who sniper is. after all of their escapades together in my fics, we see that medic is most worried about scaring sniper off or breaking this... unspoken emotional trust that sniper has in medic that he's built throughout the course of the fics. more on that will be brought up later, but we'll leave it at that for now. :)

“Always felt like I was greedy, even when I wasn’t even taking anything. Thought if I finally took something I wanted, I’d feel better. But I just felt worse. Wise to know those kinds of feelings are best left alone.”

feeling certain feelings (gay feelings. this is about gay feelings) and not knowing what they are (but knowing that they aren't necessarily celebrated or accepted by the world at large) is scary. you try to push those things down to appease people around you who have no idea what's going on in your head, and you're in an emotional stalemate: telling them and facing rejection (putting it Mildly)... or learning how to just. smother your feelings and... don't deal with it?

sure, thats a good idea, sniper. let's just not deal with it!

his entire life, sniper's been treating his hunger (a metaphor that's VERY superficial at this point in my fic but grows with later installments) like it's this creature that he feeds now and then with some silly thing (small acts of rebellion, for example) to distract himself from further trying to understand what that feeling really is. i don't think sniper is very emotionally intelligent (sorry king </3) so i think the word hunger is just the word he chose to describe it, even if it might not fit how he's feeling. this is intentional!

for me personally, i like to have A Word that i can apply to multiple feelings at once. it itches my brain just right sldkf.. so i'm picturing sniper feeling similarly! feelings are put in categories and must be Defined in order for me to Feel them (awesome awetism trait). this is something sniper struggles with in my fics. for example, the word hunger is multi-faceted. it can mean:

ambition ("professionals have standards!")

desire (for medic, romantic, sexual)

literal need for sustenance

general wanting

so i think a lot of sniper's "development" in my fics is about identifying those feelings as much as feeling them. emotions are so complicated! and sorting out how you're feeling is just as complicated for some of us as sorting out what you're feeling!

you've got this, sniper! just go for it! :-)