#WHAT DID HE EVEN DO TO YOU PEOPLE OTHER THAN BE AUTISTIC?? LITERALLY FUCKING NOTHING???? GOD

[bidokja]

THIS ISNT ABOUT SHIPS THIS IS WELL PAST THE POINT OF SHIPS. I NEED DOHA TO BE HAPPY OR IM GONNA BLOW THIS ENTIRE PLACE UP.

[kneelingshadowsalome]

literally can't stop thing about highschoolsweetheart!au where darling is 24/7 clinging onto a slightly annoyed/frustrated könig's arm, autistically chatting his ear off about random things like cute cat videos that she saw, dinosaurs or art, gushing about how much she loves him, how utterly handsome he's looking and that they're absolutely meant to be!! 🥺 always nuzzling him and pressing sweet kisses to his face.

until... maybe he snaps and shuts her up :// not in a nice way. maybe i'm projecting here, but i've been silenced before and it did nasty things to me. (bit of advice for unknowing peeps, don't make autistic people stop rambling, if you can help it. let them down gently if you must 💌)

back to our sheep... she suddenly shuts in. doesn't chat as much as before, slowly sticking to only utilitarian stuff. avoids his gaze oftenly, gradually starting to keep her distance, stops initiating affectionate things. she still absolutely adores him, but she's hurt, heart constricting in her chest. thinks she's doing him a service by listening to his 'request' at shutting the hell up, thinking she's making him happier. she's still itching to babble, making an active effort at stoping herself from going back to her rambling habits.

how would könig feel? react?

imagine what would it be like, if after some time of this distance, at a social gathering or something, he sees a man approaching her. another MAN!! how is this possible?? and he's... he's asking her about things? looking interested in her talk, eyeing her up and down??

would you do me the honour of tormenting this poor man for me? :33

Her ramblings were cute at first, then they started to go in one ear and out the other. König has a budding tinnitus from work and only wants to rest, but she skitters to him like a lovesick cat, climbs into his lap, and starts to talk his ear off about attachment styles and some pop psychology.

The enthusiasm in her eyes is what bothers him the most – he’s hit with envy, bright hot and red, because he has no time for intellectual interests these days. There's nothing but gun oil and gym to keep him busy. He was supposed to become either a philosopher or a fighter, but since they said philosophers can’t get pussy, he chose the other option (and still got little to no pussy), sad wanker as he was back then.

He either doesn’t know what the hell she is talking about or, he would want to discuss with her about the subjects she’s into, so much in fact that it would soon become an autistic competition of its own. But the deeply ingrained memory of being called a scrawny nerd is keeping his mouth shut even now, when he’s approaching his mid-thirties.

So he tells her she should read an actual book about the subject and stop filling her head with nonsense layman theories.

It hurts; it fucking burns, the mute, helpless stare she shoots at him. She scoots away, sorely upset, and won’t come back to him before the evening fall.

There's no cute noises and kisses peppered all over his face, no dangling from his neck and prattling away about the differences between C. S. Lewis and Tolkien; no videos where a cat tries to fish the last pringles with its paw or memes that remind her of him. There's just a broken girl and a knife in his heart, but he’s too ashamed and proud to apologize.

And so she comes back to him when he won't go to her, the deep yearning always overthrowing her pride. It feeds his self loath by gallons: she's better than him, always has been.

She hugs his middle when they lie down to sleep, forehead pressed against his upper back. She’s too small to reach the back of his neck, but she won’t wriggle upwards like an adorable little worm to place a kiss there like she used to. Just falls asleep with a sigh, holding him tight.

His sleep arrives only after hours have passed, and the knife inside his heart has finally done its duty and euthanized the whole organ.

They never talk about it: but she prattles far less nonsense to him now. He nearly breaks the silence one day and asks her about the Myers Pigs test or whatever it was called, see if she would crack open from her shell and laugh. He could coax her to tell him what her newest interest is nowadays, what makes her eyes bright and shiny when he’s away. But he’s too fucking ashamed, too goddamm proud to tell her that she’s annoyingly cute when she talks so much and that he fucking loves her for that. That she’s the silliest girl he’s ever met and if he had a hat, he would take it off every time she wanted to share another monologue.

If he had the balls, he would ask if she had all this madness inside her when they were kids but never had the courage to spill it out… If he's the only person she has allowed to see this side of her without fear.

...

He returns to the party after having a smoke – a bad habit everytime he knows he's about to down a few beers – only to see she’s engaged in a heated conversation with some other guy.

Or, the guy is asking questions, while his girl is about to burst out of her dress from the eagerness to tell him everything about some new hyperfixation of hers. Something she hasn’t really shared with him; not anymore...

The knife is still in his heart, it seems, because it twists. Violently.

He looks for a weapon to defend himself: an empty beer bottle, a knife on the table, an untended umbrella by the door; his fists, ungloved. It’s just a routine check, a simple habit that was hammered in his system years ago, and of course this is not the time or the place for violence. He just… fantasizes about stabbing that guy in the liver with some blunt cutlery, pounding his ribs to pieces until his knuckles bleed with jealousy. He even fantasizes her screams when she sees what kind of a man he really is: a weak wanker who turned into a pitiful beast of a man.

These flashes take only a second or two, then he squares his shoulders and goes to get his girl back.

“How about we dance,” he offers his hand to her, palm up like the other guy was made of air – or not even that.

Her eyes light up with surprise, pure, undiluted hope, her interest in her chat companion now completely gone.

“You... You want to dance?”

His lips compress into a thin line, his nostrils flaring from the need to either claim her right on this floor or turn and beat the competing dick beside him into a pulp.

Then her hand finds his, her soft little smile pulls him back, her eyes now shining to him and only him.

It’s a slow one, the song, and he only notices it when she lifts her hands and cups the back of his neck. Tingles shoot down his spine and send a curious little twitch down his dick – even his testes pull up a notch. They’ve fucked a thousand times, and still, she has this effect on him... All she needs to do is smile and touch his neck, and his body answers; he’s hers.

“Does this mean you like me…?” She asks with a playful smile when his hands come to naturally claim her waist.

“...What?”

“You saw me with that guy and came to whisk me away.”

He tries to avoid her stare, fakes to steal a glimpse at the other pairs dancing, but it’s challenging when she looks at him like… like that.

“He was drooling all over you back there,” he mutters.

“...Oh? So you came to save me?”

“You have difficulty saying no.”

She's relaxed, while he's stiff, the adrenaline leaving him slowly and with a rising boner. It doesn't help that she's drawing little circles on his skin, right there where it tickles and sends more pulls down his cock.

He tries to breathe deep and slow, but it doesn’t really work much. There are times when he gets a hard-on from her playing with his hair or brushing a set of fingertips across his nipple, and then there are times when he really wishes she wouldn’t do shit like this. Not when they’re at a party and he almost had a temper tantrum in front of everyone.

“König… You never dance,” she says with a weighted stare. He answers it with a heavy glare of his own, eyes that should tell her enough about his true feelings for her.

There’s a thin line between love and hate, but never has he felt this undeniable truth as acutely as he has with her...

“If you don’t stop with the tickling I’m going to have to take you upstairs for a fuck.”

Her tiny little fingers stop immediately, but her eyes shine brighter than ever before. From shock, love, or awe, who knows. Then she picks up that annoying habit again, a bit too keenly to convey any kind of actual fear.

“You’re begging for it, aren’t you...?” He comments with genuine contempt.

“...Yes?” She answers with a breath of a smile, pure love in her stare.

He grunts as if tired, then scoops her up, right there on the dance floor and takes her upstairs when everyone can see.

“You like me. Admit it,” she babbles when he carries her inside some guest bedroom and kicks the door shut, with her snug and smiling in his arms.

“Yes, yes. You can tell me all about everything when I’m done with you.”

“All about everything?” She giggles as he throws her on the bed and starts to take off his shirt. Her eyes shoot to his pecs, then to his fingers when he unzips his pants. There's no lie, no deceit in that stare, just adoration and want.

“First you have to be quiet. Think you can manage that?”

She opens her pink little mouth, then shuts it, starts to nod like a broken doll.

When he eventually slides in, the poor doll whimpers, just like he thought.

"Hush," he gruffs, but doesn't cover her mouth.

He can have a little taste, a sip, a treat... Because the knife in his heart stops rattling only when he makes love to her – he does that often, even if he calls it 'fucking' in his mind.

[usernamesarehard1]

Most of the time, I completely ignore Magisterium canon to the point where I forget it exists. But every now and then a reminder of it comes up and it hurts me so much inside.

I hate the canon so much. I am one of those autistic people where I am lower-empathy when it comes to real people, but have hyper-empathy for fictional characters. Especially certain fictional characters. Because some characters become a part of who I am. It's like I absorb them into my emotions and I care about them so so deeply.

And the Magisterium characters are that for me.

But the canon treats them like garbage! First of all, most of what happens is such lazy writing and doesn't even make logistical sense (ie, why is Call getting injured on the log his fault? Why would anyone believe Alma that Call is the EOD?? Why would the Magisterium TELL everyone Call was the EOD, etc????)

But secondly, shit just happens to the characters for no reason over and over and over again. They do nothing to deserve it. They don't do anything wrong! All they do is try to help and be good people and save the lives of other people. They, as CHILDREN, take on responsibility that the adults won't because they care more about people than the authority does, but yet shit just keeps happening to them!

And I hate it so damn much. It causes me such deep emotional pain. It's like what Bones did to Zack and it's hard for me to handle.

It's just so unfair! And it's not even a good story.

It's literally bad writing. First of all, it's lazy. Second of all, I feel like I can say it is like objectivley just bad writing.

I remember in my senior year of high school, we read Aristotle's break down on what makes a tragedy in literature, and it summed up exactly what was wrong with Magisterium so perfectly.

He said that in order for a tragedy to work, you need a character who is flawed but not evil, and relatable but not overly likeable. That way the audience feels bad for his ultimate demise, but also feels it's justified.

He said that if the character was just evil, we don't get sad, we instead are happy when he meets his demise. We feel that he has gotten his "just desserts"

And that when a character is too good, and hasn't done anything to deserve his downfall.....

We get angry.

That if a character is punished despite not doing anything wrong, we will want justice for that character.

THAT is the problem with Magisterium.

Call is told he is a "punishment" at 12 years old solely for distrusting an authority that killed his mother. He falls off a log that he was SUPPOSED to fall off of and gets punished for getting injured. Master Rufus automatically assumes Call would use an anti-scrying stone to cause trouble despite him not having caused any trouble at the Magisterium thus far (the only time he did anything that broke the rules that Rufus knew about was to sneak out of the school and save their precious Makar, Aaron). He gets thrown into literal adult prison at 14 for a murder that he didnt commit of his best friend (slash boyfriend) with no outside contact with Tamara or his own father for SIX MONTHS. He is then kidnapped by Anastasia at only 15 and forced to create chaos ridden. He then returns to the Magisterium at around 16 and everyone still thinks he murdered Aaron and treats him like a murderer. And then his dad, the ONLY person who ever loved him 100% uncondionally and didn't hate him at some point in his life, gets turned into a fucking devoured as a "punishment" for not wanting the very last person in his life to die at the hands of the people responsible for the deaths of everyone else in his life.

That is so fucking bad. That is so fucking bad. That is so fucking terrible.

And the authors don't even fucking care.

I am so fucking mad. Typing all that out literally HURTS me.

THIS is why I need to make the Magisterium movies someday. THIS is why I'm mad at myself every day for not making more progress on getting filmmaking experience and learning about how to make money so I can buy the film rights. THIS is why I'm driving myself crazy every day.

Because I love Call. Call is so fucking real to me and I can't let this be his life. I just cant.

[annabellelupin]

thoughts I've had while re reading poa as a marauders fan, part one (chapters 1 - 4)

(id just like to point out this is my first time reading the books since middle school and first time I've read the books since I became a marauders fan in 2020)

chapter 1

- ok so ye the Weasleys are really poor, but if they're "extremely poor" you'd figure they'd use their money for something other than a vacation

-I forgot sweet little hedwig existed djdjdjdkdjd

-someone please eat the rat

-let the future cat have him pleaseeeee

-why did I start to dislike hermione so much again??? maybe it's just movie hermione I hate and I can't remember the differences between the two

chapter 2

-why are most of the antagonistic characters portrayed as fat and why is the fact that dudley is obese brought up so many fucking times like that seems pretty fat phobic of you Rowling

- when actually reading and thinking about the Harry potter books and movies I imagine the actor that played sirius and not the fanart marauders sirius I'm more used to, and apparently his hair is depicted as elbow length in the books not shoulder length WE WERE ROBBED. could have had long haired sirius with a bun in ootp

- also I swear marauders Era Sirius and golden trio era Sirius (so canon and fanon sirius) are two completely different people in my mind

- also forgot "muggle" news talked about sirius

-just finished the chapter and seriously he is so sassy (guess that's what you get when you're Sirius and marlenes godson, and James and Lily's actual son)

- also I really fucking hate how much mental abuse is glazed over here like????

- it happens every summer and he's forced to return to his abusers like wtf

- this is why I don't like Dumbledore very much

chapter 3

-forgot padfoot wasn't like an actual dog sized dog

-lowkey forgot about padfoot in general ngl

-bro harry are your really throwing precious and innocent Neville under the bus rn come on dude seriously

-ok like when they mention Sirius I can't help to think of the dramatic, gay, Remus obsessed Sirius from all of the wolfstar text posts I've read

-also the fact they have to clarify what a gun is in the wizard news is wow

-same with Ron not knowing how to use a phone

-no wonder these people keep having Wizarding wars and unstable teachers at their schools

- love how this 13 year old kid is panicking over the possibility of going to wizard prison for breaking one rule

-also side note the more I read the more I feel like Daniel Radcliffe portrayed him super well

- hedwig supremacy

- "ur the literal wizard president" "yea but I'm not ur guardian dumbass I can't sign ur permission slip what in hell is this"

- why is reading stans parts so fucking hard

chapter 4

- ah Florean Fortescue the one genuinely nice adult in these books (isn't he like Alice's dad or something?) I just remembered her last name is actually more or less a headcanon uhhh that's fun

- the Irish quidditch team are actually mentioned along with the quidditch world cup even Harry's checkin out the firebolt

- coincidence that Dean and Seamus are mentioned at the same time? I think not

- seriously jkr why do you keep giving kids abusive gaurdians and acting like it's nothing (talking about Neville and his grandmother)

- "...Ron looking incredibly freckly, Hermione very brown..." (pg 55 in my book). when first reading this part years ago I registered it as Hermione was black/poc and not that she was just tan from the sun lmao

- I swear crookshanks was James' old cat and that's why he hated peter

- also Percy wow this why you don't befriend stray rats man

- the things this rat has seen go on in Percy's and Oliver's dorm room....

- still probably not as bad sharing a dorm with Remus and Sirius tho

- I love the twins sense of humor

- but guys stop messing with my precious baby Percy he's just- an autistic overachiever doing his best guys

- ..."he lost everything..." Yes Sirius did in fact lose almost everything Arthur but not bc what you think happened dude

- "he's safe with Dumbledore-" yea fucking right /sar

- "stationniong soul sucking demons around a school is such a good idea hehehehe" /sar

- literally there's no fucking way McGonagall thought Sirius did it- literally fucking refuse to believe that she did

going to start another post for chapter 5 bc oh boy it's going to be long

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 2 - Resurrect Bracket (Losers Bracket) Side A

ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to [make it to the finals]

Propaganda below ⬇️

John

he’s literally a priest and he’s literally my little meowmeow. i don’t have words right now but i love him. thanks

What he is about to do has not been approved by the Vatican.

He’s a priest whose entire job is exorcising and hunting down demons. The Vatican does not want this. But he sure does do it!

i have nothing else to say but john ward shouldn’t be that fucking big why the fuck does the wiki say he’s 6’2 its not right it isn’t FAIR

Father Garcia is also a candidate but I wasn’t sure if you wanted more than one from the same series. I guess John does have a crisis of faith after all the stuff that happens but in 2/3 of the chapter 3 endings he continues fighting demons and stuff so ultimately he’s still catholic (he dies in the other ending so he doesn’t even leave the faith then).

hes so skrunkly and dumb, he makes mistakes then cries, hes too harsh on himself i want him dead but if he dies im gonna cry

look i know he’s atari graphics but he’s THE GUY ok?

he is *what i’m about to do isn’t approved by the vatican* incarnate -both literally and figuratively insane IT’S MORTIS TIME!!! and he mortised all over the demons

i want him in cat ears

He is so fucking traumatized and his faith is CONSTANTLY TESTED. He’s god’s soppiest little priest man and idk how he does it. But he remains faithful !! the bonus is that i have him in my brain (i have DID)

Performs an exorcism NOT approved by the vatican🙌🙌 fails and shoots that demon with a gun 🔥🔥🔥

so i’m not ENTIRELY sure if he counts as catholic because i don’t really know the difference between christianity and catholicism as i’m not personally religious (the creator of faith is christian). but basically he fails an exorcism then battles demons and a cult because they wont leave him alone

Justin

he's soo. idk how to describe him. he never takes out his earbuds (which are constantly blasting music), he's killed at least 99 (probably more) monsters by the age of 17, he thinks his boss is god, he dresses like a catholic priest. the autistic homophobic gay guy ever

He is a priest who can turn into a guillotine. Has killed at least a hundred people. He constantly wears headphones that play non stop death metal music at max volume claiming that doing so helps him hear the voice of God causing him to shout when talking so he can hear what he's saying and people have to repeteadly signal him to take them off so they can talk to him and when that inevitably fails knock the off. He eventually betrays the good guys after going crazy and allies himself with a demon who wants to take over the world. After beign damaged by a magic sun ray the left half of his faces becomes perpetually engulfed in flames.

[ginjasnappp]

Alien Romulus: my opinions/review!!

I'm so sorry to everyone who sees this and therefore is subjected to it but my thoughts must exist somewhere

Spoiler free review is overall I'd recommend it! I think it did a lot of things right by the franchise and is a solid addition - but nothing beats the original imo.

Also I've only seen the first 2 movies before this so call me a fake fan if u want but the og is all I need

Spoilers for the whole movie below the cut!

Also warning it's absurdly long

THINGS I LIKED:

▫️ I really enjoyed all the characters! I thought they were faithfully written as a bunch of rebellious, rambunctious young adults trying their best in a shitty world. I thought their dialogue was fun and realistic and their age made me hold more space for the fact that they made reckless choices lol. I also thought their acting was spectacular. I wish we got a little more time with them before they got killed off to make way for Raine.

▫️The scoring and cinematography were great. it veered in and out of familiar territory, but there were several moments where the music and camerawork really evoked the first film, and even when it didn't to me, it was still effective.

▫️PRACTICAL EFFECCCCTTSSS how I have missed them. There was a mix of practical effects and CGI but even most of the cgi was done really well except for one part (lookin at you, Ash deepfake). All the practical creatures and general ooze and viscera were great.

▫️ The human hybrid?? Creepy as FUCK. It easily couldve been goofy lookin but it was genuinely super unsettling and expertly done imo!

NEUTRAL OBSERVATIONS:

▫️ This movie rang closer to Aliens than Alien to me, which was a little bit disappointing but entirely down to personal preference. Part of my love for Alien comes from the claustrophobia and creeping sense of dread - 'where is it', 'there's nothing I can do but hide', etc, and while there was some of that, this and Aliens are more action-packed with loud conflict and guns. Still a lot of fun though!

▫️I found it interesting and a little unfaithful that the only characters to get facehugged/otherwise impregnated (at least onscreen) were female characters. A big part of why a male character was the facehugger victim in Alien is because Ridley Scott noticed that in horror, the female characters are usually the ones to be physically violated in such a way and wanted to flip that around and make male audiences uncomfortable by depicting a male 'birth scene' (from what I read years ago, anyway). Seeing as Scott worked on this movie as well, I'm interested in why this choice was made, if it was even a conscious choice.

▫️The 'artificial person' Andy is a whole can of worms for me. When he was first introduced, before he's revealed to be an AP, my (and my parent who I saw it with's) very first thought was 'oh god, he's the autistic character that's gonna get killed off'. He is an example of how stereotypical autistic traits and scifi android traits (not understanding social cues, taking things literally, being outwardly unemotional and practical) can overlap, and there's a very fine line between drawing interesting but not direct parallels and coding the character outright, often negatively or to characters' detriment. He's definitely a character I'd be interested in hearing other people's thoughts on!

THINGS I DISLIKED/DIDNT MAKE SENSE/THOUGHT WERE MEH

▫️We all know you can't breathe in the vaccuum of space - so why, after being warned of the danger of letting the xeno blood go through the floor, did it actually happen and then everything was fine? Sure, things were sucked out into space, but Raine was fine and could breathe, which is impossible - her head would have imploded seconds after she was exposed to the vacuum. Also she would have frozen to death.

▫️The deepfake face. Just why?? I think it could have been way cooler if his face was entirely practical and maybe worn beyond recognition, and then a namedrop or similar reveal could be really effective.

▫️Dare I say it - too many aliens. Like the difference between Alien and Aliens, I find one unfaceable threat in an enclosed space is more effective than a whole shootable swarm in a large space. I enjoyed the shots of facehuggers skittering everywhere tho.

▫️This is PURELY my own unreasonable hopes being dashed but I was hoping and praying for a Sigourney Weaver/Ripley cameo. I understand wanting to leave her to her era and not drag her into a new one (and also that apparently she died like 4 movies ago) but I MISS MY QUEEEEEN

▫️I wish we got a liiittle more worldbuilding - though I understand the sentiment of 'we know what you're here for so we'll get right to it' lol.

That's it! Wow ty for reading if you got this far

Hand over your opinions >:3

[infinityactual]

Ngl, being (apparently exactly) half your age is fun because making people about my mom's age feel Old is enrichment for me (love u, have a nice day)

Hey man I love feelin old.

It's funny, growing up undiagnosed autistic and adhd in an abusive, authoritarian household really messed up my perception of what growing up is like. I have since officially cut contact with my abusive family (they didn't even react aside from signing the registered mail receipt lolololol) but even before that, I often thought a lot about what its like being in my thirties.

(Brief mentions of assault and abuse below he cut, nothing detailed just mentions as examples for context. This got a little rambly, I've had a lot on my mind regarding age the last few years.)

And being that old? It's. Not different. The phrase 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' never really made sense to me as a kid, but it hits home nowadays. I'm still me, but between growing and learning as I age and the realization that I'm probably not who I was told I was, it makes sense. I change. But I stay the same. It's like adding extra paint to a canvas. It's still a canvas, but there's more to it now. It will always be a canvas, but it's a canvas that is also different than it was before. It's changed, but it's the same.

My mom is one of those people who (literally at times) beat into me that if you got assaulted or raped or murdered, it was somehow YOUR fault for being too stupid or dressing too provocative or some other bullshit reason, and that I was sooo trusting and sooo stupid that I would probably end up dead before I hit 25.

And being on the spectrum and adhd and...well, a fuckin CHILD, I believed it.

It took three therapists and a psychiatrist, plus pretty much everyone I talk to going "Uh hey [x] isn't normal, that's abuse and you probably have [y] issues" for it to really sink in that my mother was wrong. That happened in 2020, right at the start of lockdown. Almost 5 years later and I still get kicked in the head with past traumas. I'm still sorting everything out. It's gonna take a while.

But I'm 38. Over a decade past the age when I thought I'd be dead. And only this year after deciding not to let the trauma and bad memories surrounding my birthday did I really understand how fucked up it is to fully expect to be dead at a young age without any sort of preexisting issues going on (it's also not a good way to live if you DO have medical issues that could kill you, but that is not what I'm getting into today).

I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it's not a 'my death could happen any second' feeling, it's a more insidious 'what if my death comes from my spouse, whom I love and trust implicitly?' thing, with an added feeling of anxiety because on bad brain days I try to look for red flags where there are none.

And the real kicker: that sort of trust was already violated when I was a toddler, possibly younger, and kept being violated till I left home.

It's a lot to think about. Like several boxes of puzzles all dumped on the floor at once. I pick through the pieces, sometimes things click, but mostly it's just a mess.

But I am glad I lived. I'm glad that I am still here to prove that I'm not 'too stupid' to survive. I like being the server dinosaur on Discord. I like being there for younger folks who went through or still are in the shit. Cos I'm proof it gets better. I'm proof that abusers are liars and so are the mental problems abuse instills in a mind. They're liars that tell you horrible things. I argue back. I have gotten into the habit of responding to the thoughts in my mother's voice yelling at me by telling her she can fuck off.

She can fuck off and I'll still be here loving the same shit I did in school. In fact, things I loved have been coming back to me. I'm still me, but I've changed. The only thing adult about me is my age and that I have bills and taxes. I've cultivated patience. Learned that I was never wrong to give kindness and expect it in return. I've grown. And I love being old.

[madalice31]

I swear, there’s nothing that I’m afraid of more than being afraid of what police could do to my autistic younger brother. He is 6’4, 31 years old, and imposing physically but he is a gentle giant. That’s not what these racist police officers will see tho. They will see a “thug” “a problem” “a threat”. Simply because he’s black.

Sonya Massey lost her life because a biased police officer felt threatened by a pot of hot water, EVEN as she said I’m sorry while ducking because SHE was scared and also schizophrenic. At no point in time did she “come at him”. She ducked. Y’all know what happened. I’m not even about to rehash it.

My point is that I’m tired. What are we going to do? Don’t tell me about a hashtag or saying someone’s name. I’m sorry, but I’m tired of saying names. What are we going to do to make sure shit like this doesn’t happen to us? What are we going to do to make sure there are no more names?! I don’t want to wake up and it’s my brother next. Joe Biden talking about this shows how black people have to fear for their safety in a way that no one else does. No shit Sherlock. We’ve been saying that for literal years. We told y’all our lives mattered and you dismissed us by saying everyone’s life matters. But as Joe just told you, “everyone” doesn’t go through the same shit we do. But you know what he doesn’t talk about? What he plans on doing to make sure that’s no longer a problem. Don’t tell me that you get my plight but then you don’t do shit about it.

Police departments across this nation do not put enough effort into putting their officers through rigorous psychological evaluations and bias checks. They don’t train these men and women to know how to interact with people of all backgrounds. They force them to see a psychiatrist after an incident, but never before. And when they do something wrong, they crowd around each other, talking about blue lives. It’s a fucking job that you can quit or lose at any time! It’s not your life! It should never be your life! A doctor is not going to defend another doctor who has botched so many surgeries that his license has been revoked. There’s no excuse. So why do police give each other excuses? Why do they act like they can do no wrong? If you that scared then get another fucking job.

And unless there’s a situation that is just obviously wrong, like in the case of Sonya, they do not get punished for the biases and racism that they display.

If an officer knows he’s getting 20-life just for killing a black man, no matter what that black man did. Just straight up life in prison for killing anyone period. Either we’ll have a lot less people becoming police or a lot of police in prison. And what message do you think that will send to the rest of them? I guarantee there will be a decline in police interactions that end in violence or death. Provide thorough training and psych evals to make sure it doesn’t happen. And if it does, throw the fucking book at them so they know how serious you are. Y’all do that to our black men all the time but can’t hold your own colleagues accountable?

THIS is why “blue lives matter” is so dangerous. It makes police feel like they are above the law and have to care more about their “brother’s in blue” than the people they are supposed to be protecting.

In the case of Sonya, that officer’s partner should have been yelling at him to stop and to chill out and asking him what the fuck his problem was. His partner knew nothing about that situation had escalated to the point of pulling weapons. He didn’t even have his weapon out until his partner pulled his. But he sits there in silence as his partner behaves in a way that is very obviously racist/biased against this woman. As far as I’m concerned, his partner should have been arrested and charged as well for idlely standing by. I don’t care that he stayed after the fact, I don’t care that he offered to get a med kit. He should have said something BEFORE his partner decided to walk around a corner to shoot a woman who’s DUCKING OUT OF FEAR. In the face, just as he told her he would. His mind was made up. She called for help and they treated her like she was the problem. The house is going to catch fire over boiling water? It shouldn’t have even been anything to pay attention to. But he walks in and see a black woman, expects an attitude, expects a hard time, expects her to be combative because that’s what he thinks black people are. He acted accordingly.

This is not new and I am tired of the same shit happening over and over. I’m in tears over this shit. My heart is broken over this shit. Because there’s a genuine fear that even if you call for help, you will end up being the victim of the people who are supposed to help you.

I can’t confidently tell my younger brother to call the police if he’s ever in trouble or need help. Because they will see him and immediately act like he needs to be taken down. I can’t even think about it without emotions rising.

Meanwhile a white man takes a police officer’s baton and beats her with it but at no point does she or her partner pull a gun. They sit and they struggle and tussle with him to the point where he gets in THEIR car and drives off. Sounds comical, but it happened. Google it, im sure the footage is still out there.

You see the very stark difference? You think a black man doing all that would have made it out of that situation alive?

So what we doing? Sonya deserves way more.

I’m sorry this happened to you Queen. I’m sorry that this happened to your family and friends and all your loved ones. I’m sorry they have to mourn you over something so senseless. You deserved so much better. Your life mattered.

Y’all take this how you want. I know y’all keep talking bout ain’t none of us free till we all free, but I think it’s time we stop being so caught up in everyone else’s problems and focus on our own because it’s not like we’ve solved them and it’s not like anyone else is trying to help us solve them. We still got the plank of wood in our eye, blinding us, but still attempting to get dust out of someone else eye.

So how about we eliminate all the injustices that WE deal with, then worry about justice for everyone else! Let’s start there.

So what we doing for OUR community? How do we make sure this shit doesn’t happen ever again?

[ferretzdiary]

Saying I love you to my parents feels so weird. It’s not that I don’t love them- it’s complicated really. I kind of hate them too. They aren’t exactly good people, but they aren’t exactly bad either?

It’s weird to say I love you to people who don’t actually love you. They love the idea of you, what they want of you and expect, and feel the need to love you because you’re their dna, but they don’t love you as you. Other than being white as paper, I’m nearly everything they hate. I’m queer, I’m trans, I’m autistic, I’m alt, I’m a punk, I hate things they worship, I’m a witch, etc. list keeps going.

They don’t like my personality. Over the years I’ve learned I get in trouble with them less if I dull myself down, if everything including my emotions are concealed. This is very difficult for someone who’s autistic, has depression, ptsd, and anxiety that affects my heart; but I have to bottle it of fear if it’s the wrong emotion I’ll get in trouble. Specifically negative ones. Negative ones are usually met with yelling, belittling, scolding, etc. anger. I literally have gotten in trouble for being on high suicide risk. I can’t help that. I wasn’t even honest on most of the questions at the damn hospital because I’m scared of them. When they find out I’m harming myself they get mad at me because I have no reason to be sad, scolding me about how good I have it. I know my life is better than a lot of peoples but that doesn’t make everything magically go away. I don’t understand why they think it does.

Not to mention they’re aware I was raped and beat by my cousin for years. They don’t care, when they found out they said and did nothing, he’s still the family favorite, and the cherry on top is life is going way better for him. He’s got a sweet girlfriend, an apartment, a good paying job, everything. I can’t even get my damn license bc for some reason I’m terrified of cars.

Back to being a faggot; when I was outed (not consensual, I begged not to be because I knew what was to come, I was already struggling to understand what was going on with myself and condemning myself) I came home to being told I’d be hung on our Barb wire fence with allll the other queers if I didn’t by my father (I had just started middle school). No exaggeration. They still tell me I can tell them anything and they don’t care but continue to spit threats, slurs and whatever the fuck else towards the lgbt, a lot of the time it feels aimed at me wether they mean it or not.

I literally have struggled to keep myself together while my heart was giving me trouble because I was so damn terrified they’d be pissed. Unfortunately this is a common occurrence because I literally Tweek out just being in a damn Walmart half the time.

I don’t have friends outside of my phone, the one irl friend I got to see moved to NY, my other one I just never see and is always sick, and everyone else is online. I’d make friends, but my parents kinda prevent that too bc I don’t want them bitching because someone looks a certain way or isn’t white. I literally avoided a black girl I wanted to be friends with because I knew she wouldn’t be safe as my friend. Not to mention I work at my dad’s food truck and other than my house and grandmas that’s all I ever go, I work full time, so how am I meant to even make friends? I’m so isolated, I’m as isolated as I was when my cousin beat me if I talked to other kids, hell I might be MORE isolated now. I’m in a tight box!!

And I’m trapped. I can’t drive, I can hardly cook, I can hardly take care of myself at all, I’m stupid as hell, need help to get through college, etc. I’m stuck. I can’t take this anymore. It’s so fucking hard not to attempt again but I don’t want to let mfs win, I want to survive for my friends, my grandma, and so I can have a future where I die as myself not the stranger I see in the mirror. My self harm has been so bad lately, I keep blanking out and relapsing, I have no one to go to. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I almost wish I could go back to the hospital and dump everything but I’m turning twenty, what can they fuckin do? Not to mention how badly I want to get my bachelors and become a zoologist, I can’t loose my college opportunity.

[polyhexian]

Actually fuck it it's 1am and I'm ready to- well, not trauma dump, but I'm gonna be mad about shit that's not polite to talk about in public or whatever. Hi everyone welcome to my transformers shit post blog

Anyway. So most people are not aware I have siblings because I never talk about them and that's because I haven't willingly spoken to my sister in seven years because she's an abusive narcissist and out of her fucking mind violent. But that's not important I bitch about her lying about having fuckin lupus despite the fact it's already killed enough of our family as it is. My brother I talk about even less and you know why??? There's literally no way to talk about him with modern social politics without pissing someone off. My brother is six years younger than me, low functioning down's syndrome/autistic. He's 23 now, nonverbal. I changed diapers until I moved out of my parents house at 17. 24/7 supervision, radio ankle monitor for safety, blablabla. He's visibly disabled. You look at him and immediately know he's disabled so like. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of places I've been kicked out of with him

Every time I see people get into fucking identity politics about like "low/high functioning" hurting their feelings it makes my lip curl, and I know I'm irrationally mad about it but like. What else am I supposed to be? Chill? Did you know "disability" is only for people who weren't born disabled? You only get disability if you're able to work and lose that ability. If you were born disabled? Go fuck yourself. There's programs and whatever but they all fucking suck donkey shit. My family didn't get a cent from the government to help take care of a severely disabled child until he was fucking nine. My brother is deaf AND blind. Like. Come on.

And finally when we did it's still like. Fucking nothing. At one point it was like... I dunno, 600 a month plus some shit like boxes of useless bargain bin diapers? Most importantly we got a certain amount of hours from like a medical care facility. Like, special babysitters, essentially. Fifteen hours a week maybe. Like great thanks that's super helpful. I was scrubbing shit off the walls when I was twelve. Thanks for the fucking help. My brother is difficult and strong and can be occasionally violent when he doesn't get his way. We went through every goddamn care worker in town. I remember at 15, after my dad left, my mom was like. Too depressed to do shit and so it fell to me, terminally adultified child. And because my brother is so difficult the hourly pay for working with him was higher than other clients, so their workers were always super interested in working with him. But I'd answer the door and I'm a tired angry fifteen year old and I know they're going to know the second they look at him why he pays so well and that it's still not worth it to them. So I used to open the door and say hi, my parents aren't coming to meet you, I'm in charge and I know how to forge my mom's signature. I'm tired and I don't want to waste my time with a bullshit interview. Come in, meet him, and if you decide this isn't going to work within like five minutes, that's great, fine, I get it, whatever. I'll sign off on your sheet that you were here for the full hour, so you can just go home and get paid for coming and I don't have to play grown up pretend bullshit for an hour of my time. My mom HATED that I did this but like nine times out of ten they left after fifteen minutes. They weren't worth my fucking time.

Eventually we did legitimately. Straight up run out of people willing to work with him. The company didn't send us anyone new because there wasn't anyone and because we didn't use the fifteen hours a week we got for two weeks in a row the government cancelled his entire benefit system and put him back on the waiting list. The one he was on for nine years, remember? We had to sue them over it to try and keep from losing the little they gave us and the company was so fucking butthurt about it that they called cps on us. Childish bullshit.

I've been kicked out of restaurants and movie theatres and stores and fuckin. Roller rinks or arcades or whatever kinds of places exist because he's disabled and scary and a lot of work and loud and messy and people don't want him around. It makes me bitter and angry and venomous. You wouldn't even recognize me around him. I know I can be a bitch on the internet sometimes but irl I'm soft and timid a lot of the time. I don't like talking to strangers. But you drop me in a room with my brother and I turn into a snarling fucking animal and the second I sense disgust I'm going to make a fucking scene. I've yelled at people in restaurants. What the fuck are you staring at?? I'm so sorry, is my brother enjoying his meal disturbing you? Good thing I don't give a shit. I'll embarrass myself and everyone else in the room without giving a single shit. One time I literally stormed on stage during a high schools talent show for disabled students to scream at a teacher backstage. No subtlety. No politeness. I stood up and I climbed up on the stage and stormed through the curtain. I can't fucking control myself. The anger has built up over the decades and it spills out. How fucking dare you.

And what am I supposed to do with that? That's not inspirational. It's not polite. It's not a nice story. It's "I love my brother but he's incredibly difficult and the government and society as a whole has gone so far out of their way to make keeping him safe and happy extraordinarily difficult that I'm always ready to get in a fight over it with anyone who gives me an excuse." People don't like stories like that. I don't want custody of him when my parents die and every single qualified care facility and group home in the state has refused him because he's categorized as "dangerous" because he can be physically difficult. So he just gets completely abandoned by the world who says wow that sucks but tough shit. Maybe just die about it?

I literally can't post photos of me with my brother without people thinking I'm fucking like baiting or whatever the fuck, like, white knighting my disabled brother for sympathy. As if I'm not just memeing with my family or some shit. And then I can't complain or I'm an ableist. It's easier if I just shut up and don't talk about it, isn't it?

Internet disability politics doesn't and has never given a single rancid shit about low functioning disabled people. The absolute zero sum most at risk people in society. What am I supposed to do when my parents die? I literally cannot take care of him physically or financially and he can't leave the state without losing benefits. I don't live there anymore. I have to uproot everything and go home? Or what, turn him over to the state so he can deal with the, what, 65% chance of sexual abuse that happens to nonverbal low functioning disabled people? Be fed dog kibble and left to rot in a piss stained mattress for days? I've seen these places. He can't talk so they can do anything they want to him. No one is going to stick up for him. No one cares.

It boils my fucking blood just to think about. I don't want to hear any woke ass takes about functioning labels from someone on Twitter if they've never materially contributed to the well being of a low functioning disabled person in their fucking life. Those terms aren't for you asshole, they're for them, because they need more help and protection. Tired of trying to keep up with the politics and labels placed upon my family member by people with no stake in the suffering at the end of the stick they're poking him with. It's all so easy in theoreticals but what if "what happens to my brother if my parents die" is a question that's loomed over your head for a decade without an answer? I'll listen to your thoughts on the matter when you Paypal me ten dollars so I can send him some more scarves to stim with.

People hate messy uninspiring stories so they would rather you just shut up and stop reminding them about it. Literally I think if I still lived down there and one more restaurant manager asked me to leave I would fucking stab them

[cycloptics]

This is basically a diary entry that gets dark but maybe it’s onto something? I needed it okay

Basically I’m just talking about art and being autistic and quitting my job after hitting burnout

And also some personal traumatic shit I guess

Please don’t feel inclined to read this if you don’t want to I think I just needed to put out my real fucking feelings into the world ya know?

Something really crazy has happened since I hit burnout.

I spent forever hating every piece of art I did, whether it was painting, drawing, or nail art. I’ve hated all of it, never thought I was good enough. I still don’t, of course, but I do atleast feel like I see potential during the process.

But now, since I’ve got the support of people who love my work, or love me, I’m able to look at it again (after a break of hyperfocus) and I can say “okay.. wow, that’s pretty good. I like that.” And that’s fucking HUGE! But what’s even crazier is I looked back and old work I did, work that sat in my sketchbooks abandoned forever, and I am like holy shit. I did that. And I love that.

I painted this in 2019-2020, I’m not even sure when, but I remember being in my apartment, I remember this being one of those pieces where I was desperate to make art. I desperately looked for ways to make a living doing art, just so I’d be able to paint. I bought a Wacom pen and a laptop, I was determined to learn digital art.. and I hated it. Then I bought an iPad and Apple Pencil, still didn’t love digital art. Then someone said “you should do nails” and I thought it was perfect. Then I went to school and did that. Worked my ass off. Went to the best salon in my area and worked there, killing myself and burning myself out in the process, trying to be perfect.

**TW: death, PTSD, loss of a pet, loss of a parent, hospitals**

Then my cat got sick, and even though I syringe fed him prescription food and cat pedialyte, gave him meds, and tried everything, he died.

Then a week later my dad tore his Achilles and ended up in the hospital with 2 DVTs and a PE. He then fought for 2 months to stay alive for us. I watched my dad code and survive multiple times, spent Christmas in ICU with him on a bipap to breathe, watched him lose his fucking mind, praying to god, almost fighting god, seizing, shaking, crying, desperately kissing me and my brothers heads while not being able to say anything other than beg god. I tried everything I could to bring his mind back, because it was my dads biggest fuckin fear was losing his mind. I brought pictures and showed him.. the guilt I feel for going to work while my dad was in the fucking hospital. The calls I got. The way he begged me to break him out of there, and I will always regret not doing that. I’ll never forget it the faces my dad made, the sounds he made, when delirium took over and he was so scared, and looked nothing like himself. Covered head to toe in bruises and restrained to the bed, because they tried to put a Bipap on him when he was sleeping. I’ll never forget seeing how broken my dad was, a man who was so prideful and stubborn, and whose biggest nightmare came true when his youngest daughter had to help him use the bathroom. The way my dad never wanted to seem weak, and the way my stepmom humiliated him. The way she made him sound so pathetic to the doctors that they gave him too much oxygen constantly, because she said he couldn’t do anything without almost suffocating. The way she lied and said he was on 2 liters every night, because that’s how she got her oxygen. She was on 2 liters. My dad refused to use it. The way that him getting too much oxygen made his COPD worse. How that’s what ended up being the cause of death. Not the blood clots that I was so terrified of, that it was COPD. I’ll never forget New Year’s Day and me having full blown OCD had texted everyone in my family begging them not to do laundry because it would mean my dad would die, and finding out my stepmom did laundry because she isn’t superstitious.. then that day finding out my dad was never gonna make it out. I’ll never forget moving to comfort care, and trying to make sure my dad heard all his favorite songs as we all said goodbye to him, or the fact that when it came down to it, my dad was taken off of everything and still refused to die in front of his kids. That my brother made us leave. And he died soon after we left the room. I’ll never forget falling asleep and swearing I’d hear his voice. Crying to Al green in my car. Going fully nonverbal after he died. I thought I knew death because my mom died, but I was wrong. I didn’t know death was so fucking UGLY.

Probably the worst part of death is finding out that it’s so fucking gutwrenchingly ugly. it’s so rarely peaceful. The portrayals I saw of it or heard of it, those were coping mechanisms from grieving people just hiding the reality of it.

I also can’t forgive my stepmom for cremating my dad when he had a literal plot next to my mom, with a headstone my grandfather carved (family biz was monuments) or the fact that she told everyone he didn’t want a funeral.

My dad would never have deprived his kids of the opportunity to grieve him properly.

So I don’t have his ashes, we never did any service, and I’m still pretty fucking fucked up from it.

Then two weeks later one of my best friends died, she was the same age my mom was, with kids the same ages me and my brothers were when my mom died, and she died suddenly with no warning, just like my mom. Her parents called me to tell me. Her dad a week before had reached out to see how I was doing when my dad passed. The universe really is funny that way.

Then another friend died, liver failure. Fucking what? And I couldn’t go to that funeral because I had to work, and I had already taken off too much time for all the other deaths. Couldn’t be the sad employee with all the dead friends and family members apparently. And it gnawed at me that I let work keep me from being with my dad when he was dying, that I missed a funeral because of the pressure to be at work, that I was having breakdowns during nail appointments and only heard about how fucking slow I was.

So I quit my fuckin job. And I regret nothing.

Am I broke as fuck? YES. Have I figured out how to make money for real? Nope. Have I listed anything? Nope. But I will.

Because burnout really taught me that I know what my real passion is in life and what makes me happy, and it’s fucking paint. And art supplies. And doodles. And hyper focusing on something and picking it apart for hours and not having someone over my shoulder telling me I’m too slow, or it’s not good enough.

I’m still in burnout, but if I didn’t hit it, I’d never have allowed myself to heal. I’d never have let myself focus on my actual needs, because I never let them matter. Just had to be a machine that did perfect work to make money for others while I took enough to pay my bills.

And tbh, I’m fine with only getting by, as long as I am doing something I actually enjoy.

Anyway. This started about me realizing that I don’t absolutely suck at art, but I think I really just needed to let out all of these feelings without worrying about anyone else’s. I people pleased through grief. What a dumb thing to do. Fuck masking. Fuck it. I’m done.

[deviantartdramahub]

So, DADramaNow, you're not just attacking Club purely out of ableism? Lol okay, lemme show you in more depth detail why we know that isn't true.

3 notes

Here they're making fun of Club bc he doesn't always understand sarcasm or humor. One of the most well known things about autism is that it makes you struggle to understand tones or social cues. That of course will be an especial problem on the internet, unless you use tone tags. This makes it clear they're making fun of one of his struggles he has due to autism. They're making fun of something pretty much all autistic people struggle with at least a few times in their life. In fact, it might happen to you even if you don't have autism, it's a simple, small, innocent mistake. The fact that they're making fun of Club for this is just malicious.

3 notes

You do know not all autistic people are "high-functioning", right?? It's called a spectrum for a reason. NO autistic person deserves to be made fun of for their ability, no matter how high or low it is. Even if Eduard's just a fictional character, it's messed up that you say this and not take into consideration he's not able to.

 1 note <- Here they say "psycho" is an ableist term...

0 notes <- But here you had no trouble calling Tri a "psychopath"??

Not only is it hypocrisy, but also looking pretty damn ableist.

2 notes

Here's them downplaying ableism just bc there's more than one oppressed group. Seriously?? Trust me, as a bi person AND an autistic person, I want both groups to be accepted. But trying to silence and downplay disabled people won't help with SHIT.

1 note

Maybe you should consider the fact he focuses on autism and incontinence is bc those are the things he has experience with?? He himself has autism and has an incontinent step-brother. Even then, he still attempted to include others bc he does truly want to be inclusive, I remember a post he made where he asked people what other disabilities they wanted to see included. I requested for him to introduce a dyslexic character, bc my sister has dyslexia. And guess what? HE DID. Because he truly does care. He just mainly does autistic and incontinent characters bc that's WHAT HE HAS EXPERIENCE WITH! YOU are the ableists for thinking autistic and incontinent people shouldn't be represented!

2 notes

Don't be so judge-mental on the poor kid just because he has incontinence and mind your own damn business, jfc...

5 notes

Club is NOTHING like that sicko you're talking about, they sound disgusting and I know Club would NEVER do something like that. (Unless those things you said are lies and Nightflight's just another innocent victim of yours, but idk. -_-

But anyways, saying all autistic people are automatically bad bc of that person is completely stupid.

 3 notes

Here they seem to be talking about disabled children like they're burdens.

3 notes

Another example of the 5th link.

 5 notes

They literally use "mister autistic" as an insult against him. They also full on say the r-slur without censoring it whatsoever.

Anyways, I'm sure, in fact 100% sure, there's more in depth proof their hatred of Club is purely ableism, but once again, DADramaNow does a shit job at running their group, and this is what Club's tag links to:

Not Found

So looking for proof was difficult, though I think I've gathered up enough, at least for now.

Anyways, pedophilia is a harmful stereotype pf autistic people, and DADramaNow is projecting this stereotype onto Club, bc they're very fucked up and bigoted people. There's no denying it now,Mod S and co.

Their unfortunate dismissal of disability hits even harder knowing many of them in their group identify as having autism. They don’t come off as it and don’t treat others with it kindly, which makes me lose incentive to acknowledge they may have it. It’s as if everything to them is a matter of identity.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

it frustrates me that the writers did a similar thing with sandor as nine, where the version of them we see outside of their pov backstory novella is a completely different and significantly worse person, and that's the version the rest of their involvement in the series is built on while effectively missing a backstory.

like, sandor in last days of lorien and sandor in nine's legacy are both interesting characters in very different ways. but they are VERY different ways.

[canon-typical child abuse, dehumanization, torture, misogyny, transphobia mention, racism mention, there's a lot here lmao]

[deep breath]

NL!sandor is callous, dehumanizing, and cruel, and absolutely cannot grok that his child is not a belonging and extension of himself, to the point of being shocked when nine gets sick of being treated like a possession and starts really pushing back in a way he can't steamroll over because Hi I am a Fucking Person. he makes use of nine's inheritance to blow on cars and fancy suits and impressing girls, while completely and utterly isolating him and refusing to so much as give him time out of training to read about basic history or literature. when he finally starts half-assedly giving him a little bit of childhood it's because treating nine like a machine wasn't working anymore. he's a misogynistic piece of shit who uses that to emotionally abuse and insult nine and devalue his relationships with other people, while pressuring him to engage those relationships the way sandor would, and telling him that people he wants the respect of will think he's worthless, embarrassing, and a loser if he doesn't go through with it. he belittles nine's choices in presentation and appearance, in ways that are also misogynistic as well as transphobic and frankly pretty racist (hi, shitting on men with long hair). he treats him like a fictional character from comics he likes. it does not cross his mind even slightly to leave after they have LITERALLY BEEN FOUND BY A SCOUT WHO DID NOT REPORT BACK, because it would mean leaving behind his toys and he cares more about those than nine's safety. he guilts nine for supposedly being the one to take away his toys by escaping from the mogs sandor brought down on them, while doing something sandor pressured him relentlessly to do--the dating--and then disparages him for risking everything 'for some girl.' he gaslights him about being 'immature' and 'not thinking straight' when nine won't leave this time. he condemns nine to a year of torture, being forced to watch his girlfriend slaughtered in front of him, having to watch sandor be tortured in front of him, and having to mercy kill him to make it stop. he forces him to kill someone in what is clearly a horrifically traumatic incident, one that leaves him shaking uncontrollably and about to puke, and goes 'get used to it you fuckin pussy there's a war on' before moving right along. after said incident he gleefully beats him bruised and bloody on the regular, to the point where nine starts using his methods to self-harm later, and says 'you're no good to me' when he gets beaten up in the middle of training because he was preoccupied (thinking about the girl sandor pressured him into pursuing). he casually treats him like a servant. he makes him pick out knives to be thrown at him later. he calls his new legacy an upgrade.

like. there's more. there's more! the list is long! holy shit! he is interesting but jesus christ!

......and he is nothing like LDoL!sandor.

i could go on for a long time about this and in a followup i probably will, but like.

[deep breath the second]

LDoL!sandor would doubtlessly not be a great parent either, but it wouldn't be Like That. it would be single teen immigrant parent with zero support whatsoever, and no life experience with a place where there's scarcity and rough weather and shelter isn't always easy to come by and day-to-day life isn't relatively safe. it would be a very very adhd and autistic single teen parent who has never really learned how to cope with that outside specific social context and is very irresponsible because of it, and is also irresponsible as backlash against the authoritarian dystopia he grew up in. who is going to be fighting off the mother of all adhd/autistic burnout after a year and a half bottled up in a tiny space with a bunch of animals and SEVENTEEN OTHER PEOPLE, half of whom are small children, and more specifically has been left in charge of another very neurodivergent small child who is extremely loud and hyperactive and not good at grokking the idea of personal space. LDoL!sandor would be a parent who fiercely, desperately loves and wants the best for his kid, but is also a kid himself who is trapped in an absolute fucking nightmare scenario, and is desperately trying not to drown, and failing.

also a really interesting character! and a really goddamn heartbreaking one at that! and a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ONE from the sandor we got, whose arc and personality have the clearest knock-on effects on NL!nine's characterization, and then (to a lesser extent, for Reasons but that's a whole lot of posts of their own) canon!nine's throughout the series. and it's frustrating because if you try to use LDoL!sandor instead, it completely changes the fundamental themes of NL!nine's character and arc.

namely: pushing back against the idea that because you are a child you are an extension of me, not a person, and i own you. having both childhood and adulthood dangled over your head, to yank you around as a method of control by adults who were never going to treat you as a person either way. trying to become the latter for the agency to scrape together what you can of the former, and only having those last few scraps taken from you too in the process. infantilization vs adultification. That Kind of Thing.

(which, god that would have given him so many fantastic parallels and foils with five, but that is also something for another post or it will derail this train into the next state over. i could go on for So Long about this)

and! none of that would be a thing if he hadn't had the sandor for a guardian who treated him that way. aaaaaaa!!!

anyway there's a lot i could say about this but the long and short of it is that i am confident LDoL!sandor would beat NL!sandor to death with his own pasty little hands

[pineconnie]

OMG YEAH I FORGOT ABOUT THAT LINE!!! Dude when I said Ash is an eye avatar I MEANT it, that man is THE eye avatar. Plus the mafia all wear EYE trim chest plates, can it be any more obvious?? Also Ash does this thing where he just Appears behind you or, hell, even right in front of you, that man can teleport.

Also yeah minute…. My poor poor boy spoke 😭😭. All the Mc’s have trust issues in different formats, now you see spoke’s… In minute’s defense tho there really was no other option to survive than joining the Mafia but the fact that he tried to mace Spoke, almost killed him, hurts so bad. Especially when I saw someone point out that the first mace hit was originally gonna hit Planet before Spoke moved in front of him. -👁️🦜

ITS SOOOOOO EYE BRO. magnus institute if it served. the eye if it did shit scarier than a feeling of being watched. imagine instead of stuffy basement full of traumatised autistic people they had a fucking ARMY oh i love this so much. i told my friend who knows tma but not uu and she said “THATS A TMA FAN BEHIND THE SCREEN”

uu main character trust issues are like that one types of unreliable narration triangle chart that’s oblivious/in denial/lying ☹️☹️

100% w minute too !! most of the character betrayals are literally just the mafia threatening them it’s so sad to watch i’m gonna explode like. there’s literally nothing else they can do :( OH MY GODDDDDD WHAT THE FUCK… the mace stuff is DIABOLICAL howwww do they keep writing this ☹️☹️☹️

[cryptidjeepers]

I desperately need to rant about my coworkers under the cut.

My coworkers (A and B) are basically convinced this one guy (coworker C) that doesnt work in our area hates them. And the reasons for that are as follows:

-stopped saying hi in the morning specifically only to them (they got a manager involved and it turns out he thought they hated him because the one coworker was in one of his "moods" when he first started working there and never said hi back when he said hi to them in the morning). I also work in the mornings and literally never noticed a difference in his attitude. I repeat, they got a manager involved because they thought he was giving them the cold shoulder.

-one time coworker A made a joke that coworker C didnt like and when C told him to never do that again, coworker A acted like that was a personal attack and months later still talks about how shocked he was that C said that because he thought they "had a rapport." Personally i think A should grow the fuck up and recognize that C felt uncomfortable and maybe apologize (coworkers A and C never apologize for anything they do)

-coworker B invited C to a party she was throwing (she's like in her 40s btw) and he politely declined and said he wasn't super into social interaction (i literally witnessed this interaction, he was super nice and literally did nothing wrong. I also made an excuse to not go to her party lmao)

-he apparently talks to everyone else except for them (again, he works in a different sections than us and sees those people more. I don't talk to the people not in my section either.) When they asked if he says hi to me i said "yeah?" And tried to explain that ive never noticed a different attitude, but they talked over me

Basically, the hate this guy for being blunt about his feelings. Idk if he is autistic or just socially awkward, but his only crime is not liking them. They would hate me too, if i had the guts to say what i thought.

And the kicker is, they were talking about him behind his back today (he went home sick) and was just being so fucking awful and saying such unhinged things about a normal, albiet awkward guy. I finally tried to intervene and say that i never noticed anything and I think he's just an awkward guy. But they ignored me and kept talking shitm coworker B then said that being awkward isnt an excuse and that he must be guilty of something because people don't act like that. She literally kept reiterating that he must be guilty of something (what? I dont fucking know either). And that when i started getting actually pissed. I dont know if this guy actually dislikes them or not, but he has good reason too. And i was just so flabbergasted that they had the audacity to say this and call him immature and that he takes things personally when theyre talking like that.

I feel so awful so letting them just say those things. I really tried sticking up for him but you literally cannot say anything even slightly critical to these people or they will make my shift even more miserable. I truly dont know how to approach this issue anymore. Even other workers are getting sick of their shit. I have to work with these same two people 4-5 days a week for 7-8 hours. I dont know how much more i can take. I dont want to make things worse but i truly cannot stand the way they talk about people.

[s-s-s-sideblog]

it’s literally just summer. that’s what it is. what do you mean two years ago i was extremely lonely and had nothing to do and an unstable home life and was filled with self hatred and then reading fanfiction about steve from stranger things getting railed within an inch of his life (among other things) genuinely changed my life. and also now that they’re filming again i’m reminded of the grip this silly little show has on my life which is so!! silly!! and i’m trying not to be embarassed because for the first time ever i have a solid friend group that doesn’t primarily consist of people who regularly engage in fandom culture. i think it’s the paradox of like. now that i’m socially accepted it’s harder to be weird because i actually have something to lose if people think i’m strange and off-putting. and also i have in fact spent nine straight weeks with people i don’t know well so i’m masking like 24/7, either by literally pretending to Be Normal or by putting up with the sensory nightmare that is my current living situation.

also i don’t currently have an ongoing piece of media that i’m extremely interested in and can talk about. like not even in an autistic way i just need something to engage with meaningfully because modern family reruns are no longer cutting it. and books are good but they make me sad and montreal makes me sad because it reminds me of loneliness. it reminds me of scream-crying at my dad in the airport because our flight got delayed and i didn’t know how to handle things like that yet. crying a lot, actually, because i love my dad but he doesn’t get it and no one does and actually i’m going to die alone because i am fundamentally unable to love someone wholly!! oh except for maybe my childhood best friend who i was waiting for to wake up one day and realize she was in love with me too but instead she ditched me for the first man who was nice to her. and now we don’t talk and i see her tumblr posts still and sometimes they’re just batshit insane and make me wonder what kind of person she’s become. and actually i think i’m just isolated because i’ve seen almost no one except my coworkers and the fucking townspeople since may. but also sometimes when my friends say they love me i don’t believe them. and lily told me i was a beautiful soul when she was drunk and i went to bed and cried because i was convinced that if she Knew The Truth she’d change her mind (what even is The Truth??). and that i held my breath and squeezed my other friend’s hand when i saw someone i didn’t want to see and she made and offhand comment about me being scared of him and i’m not, not really, not of him, i just know that we’re not so different and everyone did hate him once they Knew The Truth and even though everyone says i’ve never done something as horrible as he has so i shouldn’t worry i don’t know if that’s true. and christ what does it say about me that i cared for him? (loved him? wanted him to love me? did i even?) that i saw myself in him? that i kinda thought i was being used but i let him do it because i liked the attention? that this fucking mealworm of a man is always in the back of my mind, like a devil on my shoulder, like a snake waiting to strike? what the fuck does it say about me, this borderline psychosexual obsession? i think it says that i’m still secretly convinced that if i hate him enough i will kill the part of myself that is like him. but i don’t hate him, because i don’t really truly hate many people, but also because i don’t hate myself. because i know there’s a world where i didn’t get better and i turned out like him and i would want the world to have sympathy for me so it makes me feel sympathy for him. himhimhimhimhim jesus christ it’s embarassing to think this way about a man i knew for less than a year. but also shaming myself will only make it worse, like when you punch a non-newtonian fluid. there’s no wrong way to feel. there’s no wrong way to feel. i’m not hiding anything. i swear i’m not. sometimes i wonder what i’m hiding without meaning to, though.