#Vuify review

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Funny lines from funny folks in show biz

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these quotes from some of the funniest people in showbiz, all curated by the Vuify review team.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music. Jim Carrey

I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person. Jim Carrey

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey

The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. Jimmy Fallon

If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice. Jimmy Fallon

I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’ Jimmy Fallon

I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. Jimmy Fallon

I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. Jimmy Fallon

I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ Jimmy Fallon

Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. Jimmy Fallon

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. Kevin Hart

These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask. Kevin Hart

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart

For plenty more great comedy, check out Vuify today.

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Funny Book Quotes For Rolling on the Floor Laughing

Sometimes we just need to brighten our days with a good laugh, and these funny book quotes should do just that, collected by the Vuify review team.

Martha: “You make me puke.” George: “That wasn’t a very nice thing to say.” – Edward Albee

“‘Manners, Potter,’” said Snape dangerously.”‘Now, I want you to close your eyes.’” Harry threw him a filthy look before doing as he was told. He did not like the idea of standing there with his eyes shut while Snape faced him, carrying a wand.” – J.K. Rowling

“At his usual time [Alexey Alexandrovitch] got up and made his toilet for the night.” – Leo Tolstoy

“I come from Des Moines. Somebody had to.” – Bill Bryson

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.” – Seth Grahame-Smith and Jane Austen

“For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple–I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.” – Janet Evanovich

“It wasn’t until I had become engaged to Miss Piano that I began avoiding her.” – Peter De Vries

“The morning after noted child prodigy Colin Singleton graduated from high school and got dumped for the 19th time by a girl named Katherine, he took a bath. Colin had always preferred baths.” – John Green

“Every summer Lin Kong returned to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu.” – Ha Jin

“We’re going to tell you about three of the children in Mrs. Jewls’s class, on the thirtieth story of Wayside School. But before we get to them, there is something you ought to know. Wayside School was accidentally built sideways. It was supposed to be only one story high, with thirty classrooms all in a row. Instead, it is thirty stories high, with one classroom on each story. The builder said he was very sorry.” – Louis Sachar

“When a day that you happen to know is Wednesday starts off by sounding like Sunday, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.” – John Wyndham

“It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression ‘As pretty as an airport.’” – Douglas Adams

“This is my favorite book in all the world, though I have never read it.” – William Goldman

For plenty more great comedy content, check out Vuify today.

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Best Funny Children’s Books

Sometimes getting children to read can be hard. To them it can seem like a chore, which is why you need to make the story worth reading. Using humour not only helps to motivate your child to read, it also gets parents involved as you laugh along with them. There are many such books on sites like Vuify, but here are some of the best funny children’s books out now.

The Book with No Pictures by B.J. Novak

Seriously, this book has no pictures, but it uses clever word play to make it funny. You are encouraged to read it out loud, which is when you are made to read ridiculous lines that will make you laugh. It is a clever concept, and one that encourages parents and children to read it together.

President Taft Is Stuck in the Bath by Mac Barnett, illustrated by Chris Van Dusen

President Taft has become many children’s favourite US President, especially when they read some of the capers he has had. One legend tells of President Taft getting stuck in the bath. The ensuing fun will certainly make your children laugh. This book is available on sites like Vuify.

17 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do Anymore by Jenny Offill, illustrated by Nancy Carpenter

Parents are always telling their children not to do certain things. However, this child has decided to write down all 17 things she can no longer do. Some of them are so funny and wicked, that you will wonder if they actually happened. However, there will always be that thought in the back of your mind wondering if it will give your kids ideas.

To read more funny kids books, go online and check out Vuify.

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Best Comedy Audiobooks

There is nothing quite like laughter to make you feel better no matter what type of day you have had. However, if you are a busy person, you might not have time to read, so an audiobook is the perfect alternative. There are many great examples on Vuify, but here are some of the best comedy audiobooks you can listen to.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy By Douglas Adams

One of the most famous humorous stories ever written, this audiobook is narrated by the intellectual Stephen Fry. His calm and whitty delivery, will make the pages come alive and deliver Douglas Adams words perfectly. If you haven’t read this book before, it is well worth starting now.

Made In Scotland By Billy Connolly

The Scottish comedian is known the world over for his satirical look at everyday life. However, his own childhood wasn’t always happy, but definitely filled with interesting characters and hilarious tales from his early life. You can listen to this audiobook by visiting Vuify.

Gotta Get Theroux This By Louis Theroux

Louis Theroux has had his share of awkward moments in his career. He has interviewed many interesting people and found a few skeletons along the way. This book is a backward glance at his life and the things that shaped him to be the person he is today. You will hear many memorable moments and fascinating stories along the way.

To listen to these and many other hilarious audiobooks, check out the catalogue at Vuify.

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Funny books for troubling times

If you are looking for some fun books to brighten up your day, take a look at these curated by the Vuify review team.

Scoop by Evelyn Waugh (1938)

There’s a side-story in Scoop where a journalist is dispatched by train to cover a Balkan state’s revolution. He falls asleep and wakes in the wrong country and, oblivious to his mistake, heads straight for a hotel where he "[cables] off a thousand-word story about barricades in the streets, flaming churches, machine guns answering the rattle of his typewriter.” Despite it being made up, his story spurs a Fleet Street feeding frenzy for his phantom revolution, sparking a real one in its place. "There," Waugh concludes, "is the power of the press for you."

You won’t read a more astute satire of Her Majesty’s Press than Scoop, in which a newspaper mistakenly dispatches its mild-mannered nature columnist to cover a war (because he shares a surname with the paper’s star-reporter) and accidentally lands the scoop of the year. Full of technicolour characters and pinpoint persiflage, it lampoons the absurdity of the 20th-century journalism of what is widely acknowledged as the unrivalled masterpiece of Fleet Street takedowns.

Carry On, Jeeves by P. G. Wodehouse (1925)

No writer better conjures a specific period in history than P. G. Wodehouse. His name alone is synonymous with a vanished time of upper-class Edwardian England when wars were won on cups of tea, cricket ruled the waves, and lunch was always soup and fish. And yet, his stories – and humour – are timeless.

Of them, none are funnier than those of bumbling Bertie Wooster and his bacon-saving butler Jeeves. Carry On, Jeeves starts the journey of Bertie, the what-hoing toff who, time and again, falls into the soup, only for Jeeves to fish him out. The Jeeves-Wooster relationship has comic energy like none you’ll read again.

But it is his one-liners, more than his characters, that have stood the test of time. Such as this, the best-ever description of the crepuscular charm of the end of a warm day: "It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer when you can hear a snail clear its throat a mile away."

For more great funny humour reads, check out Vuify.

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Super funny quotes about cats

If you are looking for a good chuckle about your furry friend, then you have come to the right place. Enjoy these cute and funny dog quotes curated by the Vuify review team.

If only cats grew into kittens.-R. Stern

Cats’ hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other.-Stephen Baker

When my cats aren’t happy, I’m not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they’re just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.-Percy Bysshe Shelley

Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives.-Stephen Baker

An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five year old.-Carl Van Vechten

The way to get on with a cat is to treat it as an equal – or even better, as the superior it knows itself to be.-Elizabeth Peters

Cats have it all – admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.-Rod McKuen

I gave my cats a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…-Steve Martin

Cats can be cooperative when something feels good, which, to a cat, is the way everything is supposed to feel as much of the time as possible.-Roger Caras

People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.-Faith Resnick

A cat can purr its way out of anything.-Donna McCrohan

Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you’re hungry, eat. When you’re tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet’s, pee on your owner.-Gary Smith

I don’t think it is so much the actual bath that most cats dislike; I think it’s the fact that they have to spend a good part of the day putting their hair back in place.-Debbie Peterson

A cat’s got her own opinion of human beings. She don’t say much, but you can tell enough to make you anxious not to hear the whole of it.-Jerome K. Jerome

If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.-Terry Pratchett

A cat isn’t fussy – just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor.-Arthur Bridges

It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens.-Cynthia E. Varnado

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many different ailments, but I have never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.-Joseph Wood Krutch

The cat is the only animal without visible means of support who still manages to find a living in the city.-Carl van Vechten

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.-Missy Dizick

Cats are notoriously sore losers. Coming in second best, especially to someone as poorly coordinated as a human being, grates their sensibility.-Stephen Baker

One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it’s affection, the taste or a trial run for the jugular.-Helen Thomson

“Meow" means “woof" in cat.-George Carlin

I’m one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.-Dennis Miller

If you enjoyed these funny quotes on kitties, you will love all the humour content at Vuify.

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Cute & Funny Dog Quotes

If you are looking for a good chuckle about your furry friend, then you have come to the right place. Enjoy these cute and funny dog quotes curated by the Vuify review team.

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does.” -Christopher Morley

“Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” -Anne Tyler

“I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.” -Bonnie Schacter

“I don’t think twice about picking up my dog’s poop, but if another dog’s poop is next to it, I think, ‘Eww, dog poop!” -Jonah Goldberg

“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job!” -George Carlin

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx

“Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” -Marilyn Monroe

“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” –Derek Bruce

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” -Ann Landers

“My cats inspire me daily. They inspire me to get a dog!” -Greg Curtis

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’” -Dave Barry

“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” –Aldous Huxley

“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.” -Sue Murphy

“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well – almost.” -Charlotte Gray

“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: The mail man is not to be trusted” -Sian Ford

“A well trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.” -Helen Thomson

“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.” -John Grogan

“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that dogs think humans are nuts.” -John Steinbeck

“It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.” –Jay London

“Reason number 106 why dogs are smarter than humans: once you leave the litter, you sever contact with your mothers.” -Jodi Picoult

“A boy can learn a lot from a dog — obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. ” – Robert Benchley

“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry Truman

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.” – Fran Lebowitz

“When an 85 pound mammal licks your tears away, and then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.” – Kristan Higgins

If you enjoyed these funny quotes on canines, you will love all the humour content at Vuify.

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Funny Quotes From The World’s Funniest People

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these quotes from some of the funniest people in showbiz, all curated by the Vuify review team.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

For plenty more good humour, check out the entire collection at Vuify.

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Best Horror Audiobooks That Will Send Chills into Your Spine

People love listening to horror audiobooks. They arouse negative stimuli, which improves their mood significantly. They also enhance your brain activity, making you more alert and attentive. Here are some of the best horror audiobooks that will help you be confident and face the fear.

Ellie Marney's None Shall Sleep

Originally published in September 2020, this audiobook is narrated by Christine Lakin, Jake Abel, Zach Villa, and Maxwell Hamilton. Set in the year 1982, the story follows the FBI investigators they are focusing on rampant cold cases of murder that involved juveniles. A serial killer survivor and a US Marshall join hands to unravel the mystery behind it. Emma Lewis, the survivor, gets closer to agent Travis Bell when more info gets in.

Tananarive Due’s My Soul to Keep

Jessica doesn’t know that her hubby David is immortal from an Ethiopian sect dating back 400 years ago. He is everything she has: A very loving husband who has a beautiful family and a home they built together. Hell breaks loose when she finds out that he is planning on sacrificing her with the daughter too. The narrator of this audiobook is Peter Francis James.

Claire Legrand's Saw-kill Girls

This audiobook has managed to turn fear into power after the author crafted every character with incredible finesse, more like an ogre. It’s enticing to listen to, with the chilly story narrated by Lauren Ezzo.

If you are a horror fanatic, sign up with www.vuify.com.

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A couple of female fictional detectives who have broken the mould

With the notable exception of Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple, most fictional detectives tend to be men. They’ll either be heavy drinkers or smokers – or both – and come with a whole lot of baggage. Well, modern mystery fiction has seen many more female detectives take centre stage and here are a couple who have broken the mould.

Alex Morrow

Morrow features in a five-book series by Scottish novelist Denise Mina. Morrow makes her first appearance in the novel Still Midnight, which is described as ‘Tartan Noir’. She is called in todeal with what initially seemed like an armed robbery in the home of a respectable Asian family in the Glasgow suburbs, but which quickly escalated into a botched kidnapping. Trying to zero in on the bigger issues at play, Morrow must also fight a battle of her own for credibility among her mainly male colleagues.

Not only that, but DS Morrow has a family at home to juggle as well as she seeks to prove her capability and carve out her own space.

Darlene O’Hara

In many ways, O’Hara epitomizes the hard-boiled New York detective. Hard drinker, no-nonsense but deeply intuitive. In other ways, she couldn’t be further from a Chandler creation. O’Hara features in the novels of Peter de Jonge - Buried on Avenue B and Shadows Still Remain - exude a noirish sensibility combined with gritty, contemporary issues.

O’Hara became an NYPD detective after first being a teenage mother to sone Axl Rose and has a refreshingly relatable side to her otherwise brilliant and incisive character.

Discover more stories of mystery and intrigue with the books from www.vuify.com.

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The greatest mystery fiction quotes

For all fans of mystery novels you will love these quotes from some of the greatest mystery fiction authors.  

"It is ridiculous to set a detective story in New York City. New York City is itself a detective story." - AGATHA CHRISTIE

"I had, I now realized, forgotten the best of them all, that solver and creator of great mysteries, Dr. Freud. Contemporary with Sherlock Holmes, writing up cases like his own Watson, his practice and methods were oddly similar to Holmes’s. They both even did coke. Always the case began with a client arriving in his dusty, cluttered study, full of books and relics, to tell the great man of what was missing or lost. Always he set out by listening, in a wreath of smoke, by noticing the clues, and by diligently, patiently, fearlessly following where they led, which was always into the past, kingdom of lost things, and where, at the end of the story, which is always the discovery of its beginning, there is always a crime." - DAVID GORDON

"I have never felt the slightest inclination to apologize for my tastes; nor to shrink from declaring that mystery or detective novel boldly upholds the principle, in defiance of contemporary sentiment, that infinite Mystery, beyond that of the finite, may yield to human ratiocination: that truth will “out”: that happiness is possible once Evil is banished: and that God, though, it seems, withdrawn at the presnt time from both Nature and History, is yet a living presence in the world,—an unblinking eye that sees all, absorbs all, comprehends all, each and every baffling clue; and binds all multifariousness together in a divine unity….thus, in emulation of God, the detective aspires to invent that which already exists, in order to see what is there before his (and our) eyes. He is the very emblem of our souls, a sort of mortal savior, not only espying but isolating, and conquering, Evil; in his triumph is our triumph." - JOYCE CAROL OATES

"Rüya knew Galip couldn’t bear her detective novels…He detested this world where the English were parodies of Englishness and no one was fat unless they were colossally so; the murderers were as artificial as their victims, serving as only clues in a puzzle…Galip had once told Rüya that the only detective book he’d ever want to read would be one in which not even the author knew the murderer’s identity. Instead of decorating the story with clues and red herrings, the author would be forced to come to grips with his characters and his subject, and his characters would have a chance to become people in a book instead of just figments of their author’s imagination." - ORHAN PAMUK

"The most curious fact about the detective story is that it makes its greatest appeal precisely to those classes of people who are most immune to other forms of daydream literature. The typical detective story addict is a doctor or clergyman or scientist or artist…. I suspect that the typical reader of detective stories is, like myself, a person who suffers from a sense of sin…. The phantasy, then, which the detective story addict indulges is the phantasy of being restored to the Garden of Eden, to a state of innocence, where he may know love as love and not as the law. The driving force behind this daydream is the feeling of guilt, the cause of which is unknown to the dreamer. The phantasy of escape is the same, whether one explains the guilt in Christian, Freudian, or any other terms. One’s way of trying to face the reality, on the other hand, will, of course, depend very much on one’s creed." - W.H. AUDEN

"It's a damn good story. If you have any comments, write them on the back of a check." - ERLE STANLEY GARDNER

"The detective isn't your main character, and neither is your villain. The main character is the corpse. The detective's job is to seek justice for the corpse. It's the corpse's story, first and foremost." - ROSS MACDONALD

For more great mystery, check out www.vuify.com.

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Funny quotes for a good LOL

Looking for a good laugh? Then these lines will have you LOL all day long, compliments of the Vuify review team.

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” – W. C. Fields

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields

“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden

“A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot

“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” – Wilhelm II

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen

“Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.” – Yakov Smirnoff

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I don’t think I’ve seen anyone laughing on the way to a bank.” – Ric Ducommon

For plenty more great comic content, check out Vuify today.

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Great quotes for a good chuckle

If you are looking for a good laugh to lighten your mood, then enjoy these funny quotes curated by the Vuify review team.

“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.” – Lauren Miller

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” – Laurence J. Peter

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” – M. Scott Peck

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” – Mae West

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” – Margaret Culkin Banning

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain

“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain

“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” – Mark Twain

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain

“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.” – Martha Scott

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Matt Groening

For plenty more great comedy, check out Vuify today.