#Voted insomnia with great pain in my heart to see results

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I wrote this rant just last night, around 2am.  Insomnia and a bad day had gotten to me. 

I’m going to post it, partly because I wasted so time writing it, but mostly because I expect it says something true about how I feel....

Of course, since I’m not reading it myself, and it was written in a sleeplessness  addled fog so I don’t really remember what I wrote, it’s possible it won’t even make any sense! LOL

Outside a store someone recognized me and wanted to talk about Mom. In the conversation I had to admit I wouldn’t get to see her at Christmas because of my brother. The person told me to “Just stay the sweet person you are.”

I have no idea why folks have always called me “sweet”. I don’t see myself that way. They meant it well, telling me not to change. Still, for some reason it really annoyed me.

I get a lot if that. Like explaining my knee problem is the result of childhood bullies the person I was telling told me “don’t be angry”. I wasn’t. I don’t have the energy to hate them, and in fact don’t remember exactly which kids were responsible.  I was just telling the facts. But when you tell of something difficult, painful or bad in any way people feel obliged to tell you not to care, that you are somehow required to not be upset. I wasn’t angry at the bullies, but I was angry at her lecturing me not to be angry about something I kind of have a right to after dealing with knee problems for decades. 

Treat others how you would want to be treated. Be sweet. Be kind. Be forgiving. Be generous. Be yourself. Be honest. Help others whenever they are in need. Value others above yourself. Sacrifice. Try to understand others. Care. Just simply care about everyone and the world around you....

And then comes the great lie: If you do the universe will reward you with love. 

I’m not saying those things are bad. Not at all! People should aim for being like that. But the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck. People won’t love you for being those things. You won’t win friends.

The George Bailey having the whole town come to his rescue bullshit is a cruel lie.

I can’t watch It’s a Wonderful Life anymore. Since my father’s death I really understand the nasty lie the is the heart of the happy ending. 

My father was a bit like George. He never liked living here and longed to leave. He was smart and had great plans, dreams. But his sense of responsibility did him in. He and Mom got stuck here, first with the needs  of my grandfather’s heart trouble, but then with the so many more responsibilities. He volunteered and helped out all over the place. He’s do demonstrations to a high school science class or go catch the snake loose in someone’s house. He ended up on the town board and school board out of the feeling someone needed to do it, and geez, did he wish it wasn’t him. He actually got elected mayor on a write in vote when he didn’t run, and you should have seen his exasperation. But he had to accept, because they said they needed him.

Responsibility really sucks.

Pop was so frustrated all the time, eaten up by the futility of it all. He was never getting away. Never getting his projects done. Never even making any progress with any of his hopes to make things better.

You know, I really regret all the times I encouraged him. As chairman of the schoolboard he was still powerless to make the changes he wanted, and the stress ate at him. Even as it was giving him ulcers I gave him pep talks. I’d point out he HAD made a difference because there were so many individual cases he’d been able to do something about. He may not have been able to change policies, but if he helped just one kid then it was worth it. Small gestures to justice, fairness and compassion matter because they can change a life. I’d say that be suffering through his office he was able to keep this or that kid in school which could have ripple effects through the future of whole families. Pop mattered.

I guess though I shouldn’t have done that. I should have said he should stop sooner. I should have told him to stop suffering for others.

Down deep I had bought into the myth that the universe rewards goodness...somehow. Didn’t fiction tell us that if you help people they appreciate it? 

To be honest, I should have known better. I remember standing in the yard sobbing as a kid because no one liked me. What was so wrong with me?  I helped them with their homework and loaned them money for lunch and would even go to the principal about bullying teachers. I tried to be nice to everyone, but somehow that initself seemed to make me be seen with “otherness”. They would thank me, but not want me to sit with them at lunch. Bullies were always the popular ones....

When I was in high school and my classmates wrote in my annual, what did they write over and over? “To a sweet girl” Sweet, apparently, but not someone to be friends with.

Poor Pop. He didn’t really have friends either it turned out. People worked with him, seemed to like him, thanked him when he helped them....and all disappeared when he got sick. At least he never knew no one came when he died. Mom cleaned for guests and made space in the fridge for the food everyone always bring at a death, and not one person came.

I guess that’s the thing I’ve always said at work: People aren’t inherently good or evil, but they are just selfish. 

You help them and they are glad, but that does NOT mean they will help you when you are in need. This is especially the case if they think of you as “the other”. 

Being sweet, kind, generous, honest, helpful and all the rest gains you nothing if you expect some reward. You can end up just as alone and abandoned as the mean old misers fiction says are being punished with their isolation. You are a fool if you expect anyone to help you in your time of need.

Of course you should be a good person, but it won’t bring happiness.

Honestly, I sort of wish I knew how to NOT be myself. I wish I could be cruel, selfish, dishonest, and all the other “bad” things. I’ve always felt my moral compass was more like a moral anchor.

 I’ve always known I could do all sorts of astonishing, but immoral, things if my nature would let me. Manipulation, stealing, cheating...even big things like creating a religion (hello Scientology! LOL) would be easy for me to know how to do (you wouldn’t believe the things that go on in my head...I’m the one that spots the cameras and other security features when I go into a bank, and starts running tests in my head of how one might rob it.) Obviously being vile is no obstacle  to success or we wouldn’t have this president! Maybe I’d be better off...

But it isn’t my nature. And that’s the trouble. I am always myself. I’m honest, and a teacher even mocked me for my refusal to ever cheat.  I help people when they need it. I try to treat everyone like I want to be treated. I try to be kind and understanding. I want the well being of others more than my own. I feel responsible constantly and care about everything. I never hold grudges and I’ve been told off for not hating “properly”. Apparently I’m even sweet (though I doubt it).

None of this helps. None of this makes me happy. None of this gains me friends  or even someone to hold a ladder while I fix the roof. 

My nature is my nature, and knowing there is nothing to be gained from it won’t change it. I’m not exactly bitter about it...but dang I wish I could go evil! 

Being bad may not (or may!) win friends, but it must be fun to not be weighted down with caring so much. And at least then I wouldn’t have folks constantly calling me “sweet”!!

[theherblifeblog]

Spotlight Series: Hannah Hayes

Hannah Hayes is a Sales Manager at Confident Cannabis. Her focus is on business development and driving sales through relationship building and client support and she’s based in Oregon, overseeing the Account Executive team there. Hannah has a full-range of retail operations and supply chain experience since co-founding Oregon Coast Cannabis, a state-licensed retail dispensary located in Manzanita in 2015.

She’s a standing board member of the Craft Cannabis Alliance and helped launch the Oregon Cannabis Association Women's Section in 2017 to address the specific issues women face in our rapidly expanding cannabis industry.

Follow Confident Cannabis on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

How did you get involved in the cannabis industry?

I met someone who was growing through the medical program in Oregon and immediately moved to the Oregon Coast to immerse myself in the culture and then the industry. I was attracted to ending the unjust policies of prohibition and to build alternatives to a health care industry that seems to be more focused on profits than wellness. I co-founded Oregon Coast Cannabis, a retail dispensary in Manzanita, two short years later.

Tell us a little bit about your product or service

Confident Cannabis has two dynamic platforms. Our lab platform captures 50% of the legal cannabis in the US and funnels that into our powerful Wholesale platform where retailers, processors, and other licensees can sell and source verified B2B cannabis. We do a really cool lead generation matchmaking service. Instead of that being automated we have a team of outstanding account executives that help foster deals saving everyone time to focus on their business.

What time does your day typically start and what does a normal day look like to you?

Up before the sun and hitting the road for that Bay Area commute! I get my team aligned on priorities for the day including following up on orders, reaching out to prospective and existing clients, and ensuring all of our clients are successful on the platform. I spend the day making sure my team is supported and has the tools they need. These days, I am also very focused on hiring and adding more rock stars to our team.

What is your vision for your company going forward? 

Confident Cannabis’ vision statement is to foster a sustainable and vibrant ecosystem in which every ethical cannabis business thrives. That is what I work towards everyday, I see us continuing to grow, finding new ways to solve supply chain issues for companies and being a cornerstone in sourcing compliant cannabis.

What would an ideal post-prohibition society look like to you?

A place where a variety of cannabis businesses and subsets of the culture, including those we haven’t imagined yet, thrive! From consumption cafes and dispensaries to small craft growers with tasting rooms on their farms, state of the art extraction labs and test kitchens, up to the pharmaceutical model for patients suffering from serious chronic illness and disease.

What was your first experience with cannabis like?

Pretty typical high school party stuff which didn’t really resonate with me. I can still picture that first bag of Midwest ditch weed clearly. It wasn’t until I was suffering from insomnia and anxiety in college that I rediscovered cannabis on my own terms and fell in love.

Tell us about some of the challenges you face working in the cannabis industry

Cash in my dispensary days certainly creates safety issues. To keep everything running, I found myself driving alone on rural roads with thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars. Beyond occasional misogyny and banking issues, there’s so much other work to be done that feels equally important. It’s a balancing act to keep up with near constantly changing regulations while simultaneously working to advocate for more research, educate the public and win hearts and minds. Feeling judgment from women who are not cannabis consumers but are drinkers can be disheartening until you start taking it as another opportunity to educate.

What are some solutions you've found?

Work hard, create and maintain clear boundaries, never stop learning and educating others. I think it is so important to speak to elected officials and encourage everyone in your circles to vote. We are building this industry now, show up and create the kind of industry you want to be a part of. I’ll be going to DC with the Oregon Cannabis Association later in October to help change the conversations on a federal level.

What is one thing you wish everyone knew about cannabis?

Set and setting is so important. There are some people who are just naturally more sensitive to cannabis but for the rest of us, having intention, awareness of your mindset (and being hydrated!), being around experienced friends or a guide you trust when you are getting started, can make all the difference between an unpleasant experience and a wonderful one. If you are canna-curious but a little afraid, find a good dispensary where they focus on educating their customers. If you find a strain you like you could check out our free Connect tool to find similar strains. Knowing the chemical makeup of what you’re ingesting is key. Keeping a journal of what you ingested and how it made you feel is great. Eventually, using Connect and other tools you can find your comfort region of preferred strains.

What is one thing you wish everyone knew about your product or service?

We take the heavy lifting out of wholesale trade! Vendors save time with pre-populated listings from lab results and buyers know they are getting lab tested product from verified licensed vendors. Also, all my weed nerds need to check out Confident Cannabis Connect! Connect is a 3D visualization of the world’s largest data set of cannabis flowers by cannabinoid and terpene profile. It helps you explore the connections between strains and their expected chemistry.

If you could go back in time and do it all over again, what (if anything) would you do differently?

Trust my instincts and not settle for less than I know I deserve. In business and in life, we must make compromises but never compromise your values.

What is your favorite way to consume cannabis?

Must I choose? It changes with my mood and what I’m doing. I love topicals for skincare and pain relief, big fan of bong hits and pretty pipes like Stonedware, I always have a Canapa tincture in my purse, joints for on the go!

Concentrate or flower? Why?

I go back and forth but I always come back to flower. I love CBD concentrates, tinctures especially. I’m more on flower right now. It’s the closest to the earth and the most natural, full expression of the plant. Plus, I love rolling herbal spliffs— I will smoke all of the flowers and herbs!

Do you think cannabis legalization will change the world for the better? Why?

Absolutely! The War on Drugs has been a complete failure that has devastated oppressed and marginalized communities. This is just the beginning of righting those wrongs. Ending these discriminatory policies, providing safe access to plant medicines, and disrupting heavily polluting industries with hemp is good for people and the planet.

What advice would you offer to another woman who is looking to get into the industry?

Go for it! Ask lots of questions, do your research and build your network. I have found the women in this industry to be extremely supportive of each other and more invested in community than other spaces. Think about what you’re passionate about and make the changes in your life that you want. Never hold back.