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plaidbooks · 3 years

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A/N: Okay, so sometimes I write incredibly self-indulgent fics to process shit happening in real life. And I almost didn’t post this, but I feel like if it can help someone, then it’s worth it to post. I promise to work on other things shortly, but here’s a short thing until then.

Tags: none, just loneliness

Words: 1041

Taglist: @witches-unruly-heart @beccabarba @thatesqcrush @itsjustmyfantasyroom @permanentlydizzy @ben-c-group-therapy @infiniteoddball @glowingmess @whimsicallymad @lv7867 @storiesofsvu @cycat4077 @alwaysachorusgirl @glimmerglittergirl @joanofarkansass @caracalwithchips @berniesilvas @reading--mermaid @averyhotchner @mrsrafaelbarba @detective-giggles @crowleysqueenofhell @dreamlover31

It was your third week in Manhattan SVU, and you were still coping. You had moved from California to New York, and you missed your friends back home. Sure, you kept in touch—when you could—but it wasn’t the same. And though the squad you now worked with was friendly, you felt out of place. The last new person, Sonny, had been there for two years already and you could see how close all their relationships were to each other.

They had invited you out for drinks and get togethers, but you always came up with some excuse. You were always too nervous, too afraid of what they’d think of you. So, you instead spent your nights at home, alone, catching up on whatever hobbies kept you entertained. But eventually, the soul-crushing loneliness ate away at you.

You were in the breakroom, grabbing a snack from the vending machine. There was laughter behind you, and you glanced over, seeing Fin, Sonny, and Amanda talking and joking with each other. You tried to ignore the stab of sadness, tried to blink away your tears before they fell. You were so wrapped up in your own emotions that you didn’t hear anyone approaching.

“Hey, are you okay?” a voice asked. You recognized it as Sonny, and you quickly wiped away your tears before giving him a fake smile.

“Yep! Fine! How’re you?” you replied, voice a little too high pitched.

Sonny’s brow was furrowed with concern. “Are ya sure you’re okay? Wanna talk about it?”

That was the last thing you wanted to do. But him asking if you were alright with that look of deep concern made your nose burn with unshed tears. “I—I’m fine. Back to work,” you said, giving up on the snack and practically running out of there. He watched you go, wondering what just happened.

***************

You had been able to compose yourself the rest of the day, but there were a couple times you came close to breaking down again. If I can only hold it until I’m home, I’ll be fine, you thought. Though, you caught Sonny glancing at you every now and again.

Just when you were getting ready to leave for the night, a small emergency came in. Liv apologized to you before asking if you could pull an all-nighter in a stakeout—to protect a victim. She offered to give you tomorrow off, to catch up on some sleep, and you accepted; you weren’t going to be doing anything, anyways.

But your heart sunk when Sonny volunteered to join you in the stakeout. Liv agreed, and Sonny shot you a big smile, which you tried to return.

***************

“Are we gonna talk about the breakroom?” Sonny finally asked. It was nearing 3am; you had endured most of the night without him bringing it up, and with three more hours ahead of you, you had hoped he wouldn’t.

You swallowed. “Nothing happened in—”

“You were crying, doll,” he said softly. He let the silence drag on for a moment before continuing, “look, I don’t want to pry into your life or make ya uncomfortable. But if you wanna talk about it, I’m all ears. No judgement, promise.”

You took a deep breath, looking out the window, away from Sonny. “I miss my friends, Carisi. I’m…I’m lonely.”

You weren’t sure what he had been expecting, but from his shocked silence, you guessed not that. “I guess you would be a little homesick, being so far from home,” he muttered.

“I’m not homesick; I am heart-breakingly, soul-crushingly lonely! I don’t know anyone, don’t have anyone to talk to or hang out with! They’re all across the country from me!” you took another deep, shuddering breath, wiping away the tears that had appeared.

Silence reigned as Sonny thought through his words. “I’m sorry, doll. I’m sorry that I haven’t made more of an effort to hang out with you. But I do count ya as a friend, if that makes a difference to ya—”

“The last thing I want is you blaming yourself, or any of the squad. It’s my fault; you all have been so sweet, so accepting. And you’ve asked me to come out multiple times.”

“Yeah, but you’re always busy. I should try and wait until you’re free—”

“I’m always free, Sonny. I’ve been lying to you. You’ll ask me out to drinks, and I’ll lie and say I’m unpacking; I’ve finished unpacking weeks ago! In reality, I go home and sit alone, doing nothing.”

He looked stunned as he took in this information. “Then why don’t you want to go out?”

A few more tears escaped your eyes as you looked at him, begging him to understand. “Because I’m afraid—afraid of butting into all your relationships. You’re all such great friends with each other and I don’t know how to approach that.”

“You know, I had trouble making friends, too,” he mused, a small smile on his face.

You scoffed at this. “You? Mr. Social Butterfly?”

He let out a chuckle. “I know, shocking. But I had ta force myself to become like that. I went through four departments in less than a year; I had ta make friends over and over again. And like you, it was hard to insert myself into established friend groups, but I did. It may seem like I’m used to it now, but it wasn’t always like that.”

“I—I just don’t know how to change…” you whispered.

Sonny smiled at you. “Well, you come hang out with me one day. Liv gave us both tomorrow off. So, after we sleep for a little bit, why don’t you and I go out and do something? It can just be us, if that makes ya more comfortable. Or, if ya want, I’m sure I can get Rollins and/or Fin to come, too.”

“I…think I’d rather just one person first,” you said sheepishly.

He nodded. “Understandable. So, just you and me. We can do whatever you want: bowling, hiking, checking out a museum, whatever. Just come hang out with me, okay?”

You wiped away what remained of your tears, giving Sonny a bright smile. “Yeah, okay. No excuses this time. Let’s be friends.”

“Absolutely, doll.”

#sonny carisi x reader #law and order svu #law and order svu fanfic #fanfic #my writing

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