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aliceoverzero · 7 months

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Never understood fandom rarepairing. Like cool for them I guess but it never clicked for me.

Well now I've spent a few days rotating Lappland x Cantabile in my head and I think I get it now. These two people should not interact. All of the healing would be undone, hundreds would die, Bolívar would be placed under martial law. To call it toxic yuri would be an understatement.

After writing this out I realize this is probably gonna be upsetting if you don't want to read a fic outline of a disastrous breakup between these two. Be advised.

Lappy obsesses over Texas for representing the hypothetical self that boldly abandoned the burden of her past long ago. But Cantabile would invert that unhealthy self-reflection. Every flinch would pull at dusty strings in Lappland's brain that she desperately wishes to tear out, as Cantabile's withdrawn behavior instead represents the hypothetical Lappland who never properly defied her home environment. Lapp's fixation on Texas is wanting to keep up with her, but this kind of fixation would be about wanting to make Cantabile keep up with herself.

Cantabile would be scared by her, but would see someone who escaped similar circumstances more chaotically and needs help she can't express. She would try to get Lappland to appreciate the smaller moments, to enjoy music and the slow moments of sitting in a garden. Their kissing would be a mess as Cantabile tries to tame Lappland while Lappland tries to set off the repressed violent spark in Cantabile. A true opposition of "I can fix her" versus "I can fix her by making her worse."

The relationship would be unstable, and eventually Lappland would on a date or field op try to trick Cantabile into the same room as one of the confidants of the arms dealer that abused and abandoned her. Peaceful endings would be possible, but Lappland needs her to hate and pushes the tense conversation in that direction. The first kill to be driven by her buried resentment sets something loose, a need to keep the momentum, and eventually her familiarity with Bolívar would let her outpace Lappland briefly as she took out the core leadership. The confusion and power vacuum would spark a war in the criminal underworld.

Lappland would be ecstatic about the results until she found Cantabile in the carnage. How do you stop fighting in that circumstance, when between the adrenaline and oripathy flare-up you can only remember meekness and complacency as surrendering to your abuser? Cantabile would accuse Lappland of trying to use her as a tool, misunderstanding the original intent. They would argue. They would fight. They would both fall.

The Rhodes Island team that recovers them might be able to save them, but both would be in critical condition. Officially though they die in the incident. If either survives it has to be in a way that deflects RI's accountability for them. They get paired off with different operators with more ties outside RI than inside, people picked by Kal'tsit and the Doctor to keep them in check, and they're sent to opposite ends of Terra.

Lappland comes out the clear loser, the failure making it harder to repress her deep self-esteem problems. She gets nightmares about failing Texas in the same way, and the thought of her causes anxiety attacks. Cantabile oscillates between withdrawn behavior and violent outbursts, having to retrace her original path of therapy while traveling.

#arknights #arknights lappland #cantabile arknights #lappland x cantabile #toxic rarepair

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plaidbooks · 4 years

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SFW Alphabet - Sonny Carisi

Karen asked when I was doing the SFW with Sonny, and I’m stuck on a fic, so I guess the answer is now. I haven’t decided if I’m doing the other two or not yet, I guess it depends if people want it?

Taglist: @the-baby-bookworm @beccabarba @thatesqcrush @itsjustmyfantasyroom @stardust-fray @permanentlydizzy @infiniteoddball @ben-c-group-therapy @glowingmess @whimsicallymad @lv7867 @storiesofsvu @reading--mermaid @averyhotchner @mrsrafaelbarba @detective-giggles

(gif by @minidodds)

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Sonny is super affectionate—he needs to be touching you at all times. In public, it’s an arm around your shoulders or waist, a hand on your lower back or arm, his hand clutching yours. In private, he has you pulled against him, his fingertips trailing over you absentmindedly. He also loves cooking for you—it’s his love language. He knows your favorite dishes by heart and will make them on days you feel like crap, without you asking.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

You and Sonny bonded over drinks in a bar. The hockey game was on, and you were both rooting for Islanders, creating an instant bond between you two. Sonny is the best of best friends; he’s there for advice, to listen, to take your mind off things for a while. Even if he’s stuck at work (unless he’s actively in the field being shot at, or in front of a jury), he’ll text you, or take a break to listen to you vent if you need it. Also, growing up with all girls means he understands the intricacies of the things you may need, especially during that time of the month.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Sonny is the best at cuddling! Those limbs were made to wrap around you, holding you close to him. He’s fond of cuddling on the couch while watching bad reality TV or sports. If it’s too hot or you’re both expecting to get up (for food or drinks), then he’ll pull you close to his side, sitting with you comfortably. If it’s a lazy night in, then he’ll lay with you on the couch, tugging you against his long body, kissing you/your skin every now and again.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Yes. Sonny wants a family—as soon as he finds the one, he’s full in; marriage, children, a house. He also loves cooking, but hates cleaning. He’ll clean his knives and the expensive pans he owns, but the rest can wait until morning. As for other cleaning, he likes vacuuming because he can dance like a goofball while doing it, but he hates doing laundry—folding clothes hurts his back.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

In person. Sonny’s not one to do it over phone/text. It hurts him as much as you, but he’ll sit with you and explain why it’s happening, every single detail. He’ll offer to still be friends (as long as it’s an amicable breakup), and he’s still a comfort to talk to after a breakup, even if it’s awkward at first.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Sonny has a set of questions that he goes through within the beginning stages of a relationship. Man’s looking for a wife and he doesn’t want to waste his time; if you don’t fall into his category of wife material, he’ll move on. But, if you pass all the tests, then he’s quick to move in/have you move in with him. He’s busy and at work often, so it takes him a little, but he’s proposing within a year of living together. Marriage takes a little longer, but Ma Carisi is texting him every day asking when it is.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Sonny is the sweetest bean. He’s gentle, but knows how to be a little tougher if that’s what the situation calls for (thank you detective work). Every now and again, very rarely, he’ll say something really stupid, and you’ll give him a glare before he’s apologizing emphatically.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Sonny is a hugger! He’ll hug you every time he meets up with you, even if you’ve only been out of the room for a couple minutes. He’s also fond of hugging you from behind, his lanky body folding against your back. He envelops you with those long limbs, pulling you close and rocking with you slightly.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

If you pass all his tests, then Sonny says it pretty quickly. Once he says it that first time, though, he’ll never stop saying it; whispering “I love you,” into the night, saying a quick “love ya!” before rushing out the door to work, “god, I love you,” he chuckles, shaking his head as you surprise him at work with food.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Sonny’s not the jealous type; he trusts you completely. Though, because of his time as detective, he does have a general distrust of guys, especially at bars. So, while he’s not jealous, he is protective. If he sees someone staring at you, he’ll put his arm around you, pulling you closer to him while glaring at the offender.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Most of the time, Sonny’s kisses are sloppy—he’s normally grinning or laughing, especially when he gets to kiss you! It makes him so giddy and excited. But for kisses where he’s serious/turned on already, then it’s more passionate, desperate, his tongue moving with yours. He likes to kiss you all over your face—any part of it. You make the cutest little giggle when he does. And he likes when you kiss his neck or chest—your lips are so soft against him and it makes his heart flutter.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Uncle Sonny is the coolest uncle in existence! He watches the shows/movies/games with the kids and knows all their meme references. He’ll play Mario Kart (surprisingly well), talk about Pokemon, set up obstacle courses and forts to have nerf gun wars with them. He never runs out of energy until the kids are in bed (and then he crashes hard) and he gets to let his inner child out.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

On days that Sonny works, he’s up early to shower. Sometimes he makes it there right after waking up, sometimes you have lazy morning sex first. He owns an automatic coffee maker that was essential, and he has pre-made breakfast that he’ll pop in the microwave. Though, sometimes he doesn’t have time to eat. If you’re awake, too, he’ll spend the morning talking to you before dashing out the door. If you’re not up, he’s near-silent in the apartment, making sure not to wake you.

On days where Sonny’s off, he makes sure to stay in bed, cuddling with you. Sometimes, you’ll spend all day in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom or for food/drinks. Other times, he’ll drag himself sleepily out of bed, then make a huge breakfast, spending the morning talking and catching up with you.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Late nights in the office, he’ll come home and curl against you on the couch. If neither of you have eaten yet, then give him an hour to decompress and he’ll make dinner…or you can convince him to order takeout. Otherwise, it’s leftovers that you’ll reheat for him, catching up on the day.

Days off, Sonny spends rememorizing you—not just your body, but your mind, too, and why he fell in love with you. He’ll stay up all night chatting with you, if that’s what you want. Otherwise, he’ll take you to bed, spending half the night caressing you with his hands and mouth.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

His personal life—his family and early years—he’ll talk about freely. It’s only when you get to his life as a cop/detective, and then lawyer, that he’s hesitant. Sonny doesn’t want to scare you with the gruesome details of past cases, whether they were resolved or not—they still keep him up at night; he doesn’t need to do that to you, too. And he never really does talk about details of cases; he’ll give you the broad strokes, but that’s about it. He also won’t tell you about the traumatic things (the car crash, the gun in his face) unless you were there for them, and even then, he’ll try and brush it off as nothing.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

For the most part, Sonny has infinite patience. But there’s a couple things that set him off, or if you happen to catch him on a bad day, his patience will be thin. He’s quicker to anger since becoming an ADA, but that’s only because he’s still a fish fighting against the stream. And even then, it’s only while in the thick of it—most days are fine. But a few cases have got him so worked up, he’ll be in a bad mood when he comes home. It’s nothing that cuddling and soft words can’t fix, though.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Sonny’s mind works in weird ways—he’s forgotten your birthstone (though he knows your birthday!), but he’ll remember the coffee you ordered on your first date. He knows a good deal about you, and he remembers the important things (allergies, birthdays, anniversaries), but he’ll forget things like when he went to the store and you asked him to grab a gallon of milk. It’s a hit or miss on what he remembers.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The first time you both kissed. Sonny was nervous; he wanted to wait until the third date, like a good little Catholic boy, but you were putting the moves on him and he couldn’t stop himself. He made sure to ask you first, and you gave your consent. The moment his lips touched yours, his life changed forever—he knew in that moment that he loved you, with all his heart. As much of a cliché as it is, when you kissed, there were fireworks, and he was so excited, he forgot to continue kissing you. You leaned back, eyebrow raised, but he hadn’t moved, his eyes closed, a dreamy smile on his face. When he came to and realized what had happened, he apologized, and you chuckled before kissing him again.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Sometimes, Sonny goes all out for dates. Other times, he takes you for a simple walk through the park, fingers interlaced. Anniversaries, however, he goes above and beyond, making sure to take your breath away every time. He likes giving you gifts, and they are thoughtful. He can somehow always sense when you’ve had a bad day, and a coffee and cannoli will appear on your desk, with a heart on a sticky note. Dinner is what he puts a lot of effort into, even if he brushes it off, and he makes an effort to talk to you at least once a day, catching up on your day.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Sonny makes a mess of the bathroom counter—half empty cologne bottles, gel tubs, combs and brushes everywhere. He takes up more space than you, trying to make sure he’s presentable in court. You’ve tried to clean up/rearrange, but he’ll destroy it by the next morning. He also has a bad habit of stacking dishes in the sink (except his expensive ones), claiming to wash them tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

On work days, Sonny is very concerned about looking good for the courts. He’s slowly collecting dress shirts and ties, making sure he has plenty of gel for his hair, and having a different cologne for every day of the week.

On days he’s off, Sonny cannot force himself to care about his looks. He’ll still gel his hair out of habit—and to keep the strands out of his eyes—but even that’s only if he’s going out. If he’s staying inside, then he won’t even do that.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

As soon as you’re living together, you’re a part of him. Sonny needs someone to hold and love, and vice versa; he needs some cuddles and a listening ear every now and again. After moving in, it’s very unlikely he’d break up with you—you complete him.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Sonny’s ticklish on his hips/stomach. One day, he came home from work upset, trying to bury himself in work on the coffee table. It was a Friday, and the trial wasn’t until Monday, so you told him to relax. But he couldn’t just relax, he had arguments to prepare. So, you forced him to his feet, telling him that he had to have one dance with you, and then he could stress about work. He was still grumbling as you swayed together in the living room, even though he was fighting a smile. So, you tickled him until he was breathless from laughter, tears in his eyes. He relaxed after that, talking to you about his shitty day. And after unloading all of that, his mind was clearer, and he was able to make his arguments in the trial easier.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Sonny doesn’t like drunks—he’ll have a crazy night with you every now and again, or have a beer with dinner, but he’s not interested in taking care of you multiple times a week; if he needs to be an adult, so do you. He also doesn’t like partners who are clingy—physically clingy is fine (man must be touching you, remember), but emotionally? Nah, especially because he’ll have some early mornings and late nights at work and won’t be home for most of the day. If you can’t handle that, then it’s not going to work out.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Sonny has mild insomnia. He takes medication for it, but when the cases are bad, he’ll have trouble sleeping, even after a night of making love to you (though that can help). Sometimes, he’ll lay awake until the wee hours of the morning, listening to your soft breathing, finally drifting off only to be awoken a few hours later by his alarm.

#sonny carisi x reader #law and order svu #sfw alphabet #my writing

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fishmongeringstudies · 3 years

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twenty one: i keep waking up in rooms i don't recognize and then realizing that i am still dreaming. my therapist says this is a symptom of a dislocated knee. i have not gone running since march. everyone that i know is lying to me

when i was a kid my parents used to take us to the same restaurant for brunch every sunday. it was on the first floor of a shopping mall which had big panes of glass stitched together for a ceiling and consequently let in far more natural light than your average building, but the restaurant itself was dark. moody. the walls were black and so was all the upholstery. the coffee mugs the waitresses served you coffee in were so dark you couldn't tell how full they were unless you looked extra hard at them, which i rarely did. in most memories of this place i'm seven or eight and i only drink two things: lemon tea and milk. so i'm sitting there with my frosted plastic cup of lemon tea, methodically stirring in my syrup with a skinny metal spoon because they make their lemon tea from scratch here which means no sugar and lots of tea, and my parents are drinking from their big adult mugs, and my sister's picking apart the roasted tomato on my dad's plate, and life, well. life is simple. good.

i can't remember when we stopped going there but i know that by the time i was nine and traipsing around in the hallways of the chinese primary school my parents had transferred me to, it had closed down and been replaced with some other restaurant whose name and shape i can't recall. well before i turned sixteen that entire wing of the first floor was demolished and replaced with the monstrosity that is singapore's flagship muji store. the muji's still there today. it's got a retail area and a few showrooms showcasing lifestyle choices for the upper-middle class citizen and a cafe with a dining area marked out by eclectic hanging decor that looks like a hundred little wastepaper baskets made from twine tied together to form a spotty mural of sorts. i'm fond of the cafe. their desserts are on the expensive side but they're thoughtfully made and look pretty in pictures, prettier in person.

your childhood years are one of those things that gets shinier the further away you stand from it, like how a bad experience becomes bittersweet by necessity if you give it long enough or you'll be stuck carrying that baggage with you forever. looking back, for example, on spring, i am inclined to see the educational takeaways instead of the moments in which my brain shut off and was replaced with a vat of screaming kittens. in this way we propel ourselves forward with the wisdom of the past, scrounged together from moments of pain and deep embarrassment. in this way we find ways to stay alive.

this summer i have wound up in upperclassmen housing by some unfortunate trick of fate. my apartment suite has five bedrooms but only four of them are occupied; i live in the room at the end of the hallway. my flatmates live in the next three. it has been five days since i moved in and i am convinced all of them think that they are living with a cryptid constructed in the scp containment breach format and unsure how to let them know that they are correct without making it personal. last night i woke up after a brief period of dreaming to use the bathroom; while washing my hands in the sink one of my flatmates walked past in the hallway behind me. 'hey, it's you,' she said. 'i feel like i haven't seen you forever. i mean. i've seen you, but i haven't seen seen you, you feel me?' asleep on my feet and ready to crash facefirst into bed, i nodded. 'yes.' she stood there for a few seconds as if expecting me to say more, but i had a vending machine for a brain at the moment and couldn't find it in me to press any more buttons. i certainly could've tried. but i was tired.

when i got on campus in february i resolved to sign up for therapy sessions with the school's mental health services since i was paying an ungodly amount for 'health insurance' (not a thing in singapore, really; not necessary in most places except america, really) anyway and i might as well make use of some small part of the astronomical sum that had been deposited in the pockets of some old white people i would likely never meet in my life. i got as far as filling out the form embedded in the school website and opening the automated email i received a few days later asking me to list my free times each week. i forgot about the rest. we are therefore entering the summer of my twentieth year without a goddamn clue what the inside of my head looks like apart from the fact that it must be pretty cool in there. it has to be cool. if it isn't cool what's the point of holding onto any of it anyway? we live for the spice of life. like garlic powder. cumin. oyster sauce.

this morning i went to target to look for sugar. the dining hall here doesn't do any of its vegetables justice but their desserts are to die for, and i've found myself suffering from a mild withdrawal since i started scrambling eggs and boiling about five hundred grams of cauliflower a day for the sheer therapeutic effect of it and because i don't really know any better. the target near campus is located in a shopping mall and surrounded by miles of parking space on both ends. while walking back across that stretch of empty parking space, i came across a smear of orange on the pavement. it was an orange. or it had been. the rind had been ground into the gravely surface of the road by a repetitive smoothing action so that it looked less like a bit of roadkill and more like it had been there all along. i can't stop thinking about that orange. who the fuck drops an orange in the middle of a road? why didn't they pick it up?

i have been cursed with an idea. it came to me last night before i fell asleep and it has been sitting on my shoulder since then like the devil in the popular angel-and-devil writing device which all nine year olds are taught by their teachers in chinese class, whispering to me about how great things will be if i can teach myself the fundamentals of sound design in three days. unfortunately it is when one decides to start a war that they are forced to confront their contacts list and the vast, untraceable geography of its contents. i cannot tell you if anything will result from this. but i hope that it will.

back when i still talked to her i mentioned the idea of doing puzzles to soothe the mind once and she took to it with so much genuine enthusiasm (she was always enthusiastic. too enthusiastic. enthusiasm was the problem, and the lack of willingness to curtail it the thing that eventually nailed the coffin shut) that i went to target the next weekend and bought a set of four puzzles depicting various scenes from old disney films. over the last two weeks i have done each puzzle three times, save for the last one, in which mickey and minnie mouse waltz down a red carpet and the people on the sidelines cheer for them with champagne moustaches and glittering beads for eyes. i cannot decide if this is meaningful. i cannot see the point of summer. but i am trying.

i don't remember the name of that sunday brunch restaurant. i don't remember the names of a lot of places our parents brought us when we were children, but my sister has been on a nostalgia trip since april and sends me screenshots of old pc games we used to play together from time to time. ernie's adventures in space. timmy's sea adventures. barbie island princess. i open each image and feel something inside of me physically ache in response. it appears that despite my best efforts, i will never be seven years old again.

i'm not a huge fan of lemon tea anymore. i prefer water. how it cleanses the palate like a vacuum cleaner sucking up all the dust and grime in a musty room. it's hard to distinguish between the inside and the outside of a thing when both are the color of a blood-red sunset but we try our best, you know? we draw lines on the sidewalk with chalk and we say 'here is my side of the universe and here is yours'. we act diplomatic when inside we are drunk and slurring our words all over the bartender's white vest. and then, because there is nothing else to do on this planet, we keep on living.

06.10.21

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sirmontgomery · 3 years

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Such Beauty | Self Para

Title: Such Beauty Timeframe: Three years ago. Tagging: Alec York and Graham Montgomery. Total: 1,642 Triggers: Terminal Illness. Hospitals. Major surgery. Death. Notes: Complete.

"Are you scared?"

"Of a little surgery...?" Graham smiled. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

Alec reached out and took Graham's hand, a small smile on his lips, which didn't quite reach his eyes. It was still a happy smile but Graham could tell that his husband was tired. The treatment they'd undertaken to shrink the tumor had taken its toll on Alec's body. It showed in his energy, which seemed to come in spurts.

"I've seen you reading that brochure at least a dozen times the past two hours." He chuckled. "You must have it memorized."

Graham realized he'd still been holding it in his free hand. The one not occupied by Alec's.

He set it down with a little laugh. Wiped his hand on his jeans. He realized his palms were a bit sweaty.

"I just want to be prepared," said Graham. It was partly his nature as a Dominant and a person. Ever since he was a young boy Graham always needed to have all the facts. His father had always been a responsible person and Graham fashioned parts of himself after Gregory. Another part of this preparedness was also military training. He wasn't a doctor, wasn't an expert, but that didn't mean he had to be useless. He wouldn't be the soldier on the front line but he could have the six of the soldier next to him.

Alec lifted his hand briefly from Graham's hand to stroke his cheek before closing his palm over Graham's again.

"Are you prepared?" asked Alec. There was something in his tone that Graham didn't like.

Graham blinked and stared. He was asking something Graham had kept at quite a distance for a very long time. "Well, the complications of the surgery...seem big..." said Graham carefully. "Though the doctor says these sorts of risks come with any surgery." Graham would be vague in his answer if that's what Alec wanted. "We're doing our part."

They'd chosen the aggressive therapies they had in order to attack the enemy. Cause the tumor to shrink. Get in with a scalpel and finish the job.

"Graham."

The Dominant stood. "The nurse should be by to check on your fluids," he checked on his watch. "Who is it today?" He went to a pile of his things and disentangled a planner from his coat and bag. There were many assorted personal items in that bag, from toothpaste, to deodorant, to dry shampoo and granola bars. "I think it might be Flores," he said casually over his shoulder, finger sliding down the pages.

"It's okay to be scared," said Alec. He had shifted his head on the pillow.

Graham felt his chest tighten. He shook his head. "Why should I be scared?" Graham asked. "I'm not scared."

Alec smirked. "Bullshit."

That's partly what Graham had loved about Alec. He wasn't afraid to call Graham out. He also gave him permission to feel the things he was afraid of feeling. It put Graham at ease to take action. To do all the reading. To keep up on the research articles online. To study the tips in all the forums at odd hours while Alec slept.

"I know you watch me..." said Alec. "At night. Like...it's intense." Alec swallowed. "Like you're waiting for something."

Graham never knew Alec woke in the night.

"Sometimes I watch you too."

He closed the planner and looked at the dark haired sub. "I'm listening," Graham said, finally. "Not watching." Graham held the planner in his hands as he walked back to Alec's bedside. "I'm listening to hear you breathing."

There were many fears that Graham had about what was happening and what was to come. The scariest ones were the things Graham pictured could happen that they didn't see coming. Alec not breathing in the middle of the night because his blood pressure dropped or because a tube wasn't giving him enough fluids or a million other things...all kept Graham up.

"I'm telling our kids that their father was a creep," said Alec.

Graham barked out a laugh. It was unexpected. Alec had the most unexpected talent for bringing Graham out of himself.

"Actually," said Graham. "I was looking at what work we might be able to ask the plastic surgeon to do on you whilst you're under. You know...combine cosmetic with medical..." His humor never would've been so macabre before. This seemed to lighten both of their moods.

"Oh please," Alec rolled his eyes. "You think I'm perfect. What could you possibly want done? God made me a work of art."

Graham smiled down at Alec and ran his fingers over Alec's scalp. His hair had thinned some because of the medicine but they'd had to shave it for the surgery anyway. "He did."

Alec grabbed Graham's hand again. He kissed it.

"If something happens..."

"It won't." Graham shook his head.

"If something happens..." Alec pressed forward. "I want you to...find someone. I want you to find someone."

"Alec."

"I mean, obviously they won't be like me." He smiled. "You know. I want you to be happy."

Graham sighed heavily. Looked down.

"I mean, don't be too happy."

Graham gave a watery laugh. Shook his head.

"Like obviously not as happy as you were with me." Alec smiled tiredly. "But it's okay to be happy."

"I won't be happy," said Graham. "I'll be grumpy."

Alec rolled his eyes.

"I mean think of the paperwork you'll have left me with."

Alec gave a belly laugh. It was enough to crinkle the corner of Graham's eyes. They'd avoided having this talk for so long that Graham felt like it was for nothing. All that fear. This was easy. This was like walking the elephant out of the room and remembering its presence as one did a fond trip to the circus. Amusing to think about but rarely revisted.

"I know you hate paperwork," said Alec. "God, remember that time in third year..."

"Krazinski," Graham chuckled.

"You were in charge of his detail for the duty day and that man couldn't keep out of trouble to save his life."

"How he ever made it to graduation day, I'll never know," said Graham.

"You spent an hour talking to the commander and then another two filling out all those forms saying what happened."

"It was testimony from the others I had to sign as well. It started with that vacuum bin full of the dust that never seemed to fully be clear from the duty hall. He executed a facing movement right into the drill instructor on his way to empty it."

Alec laughed again and held his sides. "Didn't he drop that trash bag too?" Krazinski had. Some of it got on the drill instructor's uniform after they both fell.

Graham smiled and turned on the dim lamp above Alec's bed. He turned off the overhead fluorescents and moved back to his seat. He could tell Alec was getting tired. Besides, his big surgery was the next morning and Graham had been adamant about a bedtime. He'd even set an alarm for it on his phone; it would vibrate soon to let Graham know. But Graham already knew.

“And you got out of having to sign paperwork. Somehow.” Graham rolled his eyes this time.

"Remember when we..."

Graham nodded. "Week before grad week," he knew what Alec was going to mention. "We spent that whole leave in that sweet little town. Our unit was the one with all those merits from the instruction team. You were happy to sign then."

Alec relaxed, as if soothed by Graham's remembering. "That whole time I kept thinking...you were holding something in." He smiled, closing his eyes. "You know I thought you were going to break up with me."

Graham's brows lifted.

"I remember some talk with your parents. About whether or not to invite that ex of yours. His father was going to come or something." Alec yawned. "I was worried...you two had been in touch."

Graham didn't know how to feel about that. Everything outside of this room had seemed eons away. Distant islands to what they were experiencing now in the present. The mention of Cassius' name caused a twinge in Graham's heart but he didn't know why. He wasn't sure what to say in this moment. Cassius was always a love present in his heart. Though his love for Alec had grown somehow beside it in Graham's heart, in the spaces around it. Something that was hard to explain if he should ever have a need to put it into words. Thankfully, Graham never needed to.

Strange how the strands of fate worked. He had once thought it his fate to be with Cassius. To have a family with him. To be his Dominant. Then that relationship ended. In the shambles of those dreams...in the fraying of that strand...he'd found another fate. The end of that relationship had led him into Alec's arms. Perhaps that might have been his fate all along. Though that didn't sit right in Graham's heart either, for some reason.

Graham brought Alec's hand up to his lips and gave their enclosed fingers a kiss. "It was that week on leave when I proposed to you..." he reminded the submissive. Graham remembered everything about it. The trip up the lake. A boat ride surrounded by swans. They'd made love in a clearing just after.

"I see now..." Alec whispered, eyes still closed. "Such beauty...such beauty you have brought me."

Graham's heart twisted. He felt his gut clench. He took Alec's hand though his husband was now asleep. Graham could tell by his breathing pattern.

"You have to be happy," he murmured.

Graham wondered if he was dreaming.

He hoped it was a good dream. As Graham turned off the light above Alec's bed he knew that he wouldn't sleep.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Graham silenced the alarm letting him know it was time for lights out.

He couldn't let go of Alec's hand. He didn't the whole night.

#cruelboy #|| self para.#..#{ // }#{ /// }#{ //// }#such beauty

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the-renegade-child-of-time · 7 years

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Time Lord Physiology

*Name of TV episode, novel, audioplay or comic this is referenced or shown in is in italics*

External Anatomy:

Gallifreyans are identical to humans in their appearance

Gallifreyan children age at a similar rate to human children (The Sound of Drums) but upon hitting puberty their ageing would slow with their teenage years lasting for decades (Legacy of the Daleks)

When fatally injured or sick, Gallifreyans have the ability to regenerate when they would usually die

If injured, but not severely enough to require regeneration, a Gallifreyan can slip into a “healing coma” where they would appear dead but they can dedicate all their energy to healing (Inferno, Planet of the Daleks, EarthWorld, Vanishing Point)

Some Gallifreyans can change their eye colour without the need for regeneration (Vampire Science, Doctor Who and the Daemons)

Gallifreyans are superior physically to humans (Terror of the Autons)

Gallifreyan bones can withstand pressures and impacts which would shatter human bones (The End of Time)

Gallifreyans have resistances to both extreme cold (Tomb of the Cybermen, Planet of the Ood) and extreme heat (The End of the World)

Gallifreyans can survive exposure to vacuums for brief periods (The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe)

Gallifreyans can resist higher-frequency sounds which would deafen a human (The Christmas Invasion, Partners in Crime)

There is a vulnerable nerve cluster in a Gallifreyan’s left shoulder which can disable them if hit (Set Piece)

Gallifreyan reflexes and dexterity are far above humans with the ability to perform actions which humans can’t (Terror of the Autons, The End of the World, The Doctor’s Daughter)

Gallifreyans can see in the dark (Lucifer Rising) and notice incredible amounts of detail from distances which humans would find impossible (The Eleventh Hour)

Gallifreyans can identify substances by taste including specific details about the composition of the material (The Christmas Invasion, Bad Therapy, Tooth and Claw, The Idiot’s Lantern, The Eleventh Hour, Day of the Moon, The Time of the Angels, Dinosaurs on a Spaceship)

Internal Anatomy:

Gallifreyan blood is darker in colour than human blood and has an orange tint to it (The Two Doctors)

Gallifreyans have a two hearts (The Power of Three, The Doctor’s Daughter) but can survive with only one working heart although in a greatly weakened state (The Shakespeare Code, The Power of Three)

Gallifreyans have 2 extra ribs compared to humans giving them a total of 26 ribs (Blood Heat)

Gallifreyans natural body temperature of 15°C/59°F (Blood of the Daleks)

Gallifreyan brains are larger and more complex than human brains (The Brain of Morbius)

Gallifreyans can separate their brain hemispheres allowing them a greater ability to multitask (Island of Death)

Gallifreyan lungs are the same size as humans but they have extra pulmonary tubes similar to a lymphatic system to supply oxygen to their dual hearts this also makes them naturally buoyant in water (Island of Death)

Gallifreyans can survive longer without oxygen to the point that a human would be unconscious (The Two Doctors, Mummy on the Orient Express)

Gallifreyans do not need as much sleep as humans and can survive on as little as one hour of sleep (The Talons of Weng-Chiang, Mummy on the Orient Express, Night and the Doctor, The Highlanders)

Gallifreyans are immune to the effects of helium gas and some anaesthetic gases (The Robots of Death)

Gallifreyan skin has a deeper subdural and subcutaneous layer which gives them greater durability (Burning Heart)

Gallifreyan DNA has a triple helix structure (The Crystal Bucephalus, Doctormania)

Gallifreyan bodies can reject and expel cyanide (The Unicorn and the Wasp)

Gallifreyans can and do have allergic reactions to specific substances (The Caves of Androzani)

Other Abilities:

Gallifreyans can share a telepathic link with each other allowing long distance conversations (The Three Doctors, The Pirate Planet)

Gallifreyans are largely resistant to mind control (The War Machines, The Green Death)

Gallifreyans have several mental manipulation abilities including: hypnosis (Terror of the Autons, The Ribos Operation, Fear Her), mind-reading (The Girl in the Fireplace), sharing thoughts (The End of Time), relief of mental disorders (The Shakespeare Code), inducing sleep or unconsciousness (Listen), influencing dreams (The Eleventh Hour), transferring knowledge (The Lodger), and memory erasure (Journey’s End)

Gallifreyans have the ability to sense all possible timelines radiating from an event (The Parting of the Ways, The Fires of Pompeii) including negated timelines (Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS)

Gallifreyans can sense, and have a instinctual repulsion to, fixed points in time (Utopia)

#headcanon #doctor who lore #doctor who #reference #time lords are mental

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spaceexp · 6 years

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New Research Activated as Biological Samples Packed for Earth Return Aboard Dragon

ISS - Expedition 55 Mission patch. April 20, 2018 The outside of the International Space Station is a harsh environment but scientists are taking advantage of the extreme conditions to conduct advanced space research. Astronauts are also researching what happens to a variety of organisms living for months at a time inside a spacecraft as NASA prepares for longer missions farther out into space.

Image above: NASA astronaut Scott Tingle tends to plants grown inside the VEGGIE facility in support of space botany research. Image Credit: NASA. The fifth and final external materials experiment (MISSE) delivered by the latest SpaceX Dragon resupply ship was activated outside the orbital lab today. Robotics engineers operating the Canadarm2 and Dextre extracted and installed the MISSE canisters one by one from Dragon’s trunk to areas on the station. The canisters were then remotely opened exposing a variety of materials to the vacuum of space to help engineers design safer and stronger spacecraft systems. Back inside the orbital lab, Flight Engineer Scott Tingle of NASA harvested and photographed plants for the APEX-06 study today. The botanical samples collected from the VEGGIE facility were later processed and stowed in a science freezer for return to Earth inside the Dragon cargo craft. They will be analyzed after being quickly shipped to scientists at NASA and the University of Wisconsin. NASA Flight Engineers Ricky Arnold and Drew Feustel once again partnered up and collected their blood and urine samples today for more biomedical experiments. Researchers are analyzing the samples as they continuously study how the human body adapts to extended periods of weightlessness. Results will help doctors provide therapies to maintain the health of astronauts in space and humans on Earth.

Image above: "The Enchanted Islands of #Ecuador – the Galápagos," were photographed by NASA astronaut Ricky Arnold, currently aboard the International Space Station with the Expedition 55 crew. This view from more than 200 miles above our Earth shows the cloud-covered Galápagos Islands and sunglint in the waters off the coast of Ecuador on April 13, 2018, as the station orbited above the Pacific Ocean. Image Credit: NASA/Ricky Arnold. Mice are also being observed on the space station so scientists can detect the chemical signals that lead to weakened bones and muscles. Japanese astronaut Norishige Kanai drew more blood samples from the rodents today and wrapped up a week-long run of the Mouse Stress Defense experiment. The blood samples will be processed in a centrifuge, stowed in biological science freezer then returned to Earth inside Dragon for analysis on Earth. Related links: MISSE: https://www.nasa.gov/centers/armstrong/features/SpaceX_Dragon_Brings_Material_Samples_to_ISS.html APEX-06: https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/station/research/experiments/explorer/Investigation.html?#id=7524 VEGGIE facility: https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/station/research/experiments/explorer/Facility.html?#id=374 SpaceX Dragon: https://www.nasa.gov/spacex Expedition 55: https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/station/expeditions/expedition55/index.html Space Station Research and Technology: https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/station/research/index.html International Space Station (ISS): https://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/station/main/index.html Images (mentioned), Text, Credits: NASA/Mark Garcia/Yvette Smith. Best regards, Orbiter.ch Full article

#space #science

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raisingsupergirl · 7 years

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Never Not Learning

So my oldest daughter got stuck in this seat the other weekend...twice. And it made me wonder, just how old does the dog have to be before it stops learning tricks? I've been around thirty-one years, and I really thought I'd have life figured out by now. I mean, I went to school for eighteen years, finally finishing up with my masters in physical therapy. But I've been out for eight years now, and people just keep expecting me to learn new stuff! The thing is, it's not book stuff. I like book stuff. I'm good at book stuff. But now, people are expecting me to learn other stuff. The stuff they don't teach in school. The stuff that saves marriages, friendships, careers, and futures.

I don't like making people mad. Never have. I think it's equal parts southern hospitality, Christian sensibility, and fear of conflict. And the end result is one of the only stresses I carry—worrying that someone, somewhere, thinks negatively of me. Now, I get that not everyone is like me. In fact, maybe I'm not even in the majority. I realize that people give less craps when they get older, and some people are just raised to be… blunt, to put it nicely. But that's not me. I can't stand when someone thinks poorly of me, or when I hurt someone's feelings. Which really isn't a problem when I'm in my natural state (completely alone with absolutely no one around to please or impress), but there are just so many people in the world. And it seems like a heck of a lot of them expect things from me.

Family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, random people on the street. They all require consideration and compassion. I really don't want to use the term, "emotional vampires," but I'm having trouble coming up with anything else (yes, I realize this is an introvert problem, but that's what I am, and if you're not, I bet you know one. So give me a break). And it seems like the older I get, the more aware I become of these requirements. And the more I think I may have grown up painfully oblivious to social sensitivities that "normal" folks take for granted. Then again, maybe everyone's a jerk and only some of us strive to make a change. Yeah, that one seems more accurate.

That's not to say most people don't naturally get better with time. In a vacuum, there are plenty of adults who couldn't care less about how their social interactions affect other people. But when you work with teenagers as often as I do, you grow to appreciate even the faintest of polite interactions.

It really is crazy. We take civil conversations for granted, but high schoolers seem hell-bent on destroying society as we know it. They just don't get why everyone doesn't believe exactly how they do, and it frustrates them to no end (to be fair, it frustrates me to no end as well, but I've learned to swallow my rage). And when I try explaining my old man wisdom, they stare at me like I'm crazy. Which isn't surprising since I'm just now figuring this whole thing out myself. But all the social conflicts I've had lately have finally connected all the pieces that I've been collecting my whole life. And, believe it or not, I've actually started to enjoy the challenge.

I've never been competitive (fear of conflict, remember?), but I've always loved a challenge. Nothing's ever been out of reach for me. I'm not easily intimidated or distracted. It's just that I've never had a reason to improve my social skills. But if living in a house with three girls isn't a compelling reason, I don't know what is.

So here I am, embracing the social sciences, evaluating body language and tone, emotional transference and long-term investments. I'm far from perfect, but at least I'm finally trying. I'm applying these concepts and efforts to my natural desire to please others (no matter how exhausting they are), and it's almost, well… fun. Almost. Sometimes I'd still rather live alone on a tropical island. After all, if I went crazy enough, maybe I could find a volleyball that "gets" me. Here's hoping.

#social science #social studies #marriage #kindness #momblr #mumblr #dadblr

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michellelinkous · 5 years

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‘This is a gift’

Grace. Gratitude. Joy.

That stencil on Sherri Kanten’s dining room wall sums up her attitude about life.

The 66-year-old Hudsonville resident’s heart is failing.

She doesn’t let this slow her down, however. She enjoys lunch and shopping with friends. She is part of a bell choir in her church. She drives her adult, special-needs kids to and from their jobs.

And she smiles. Often.

Last June, she and her husband, Richard, celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary with a cruise to Venice and the Greek islands. It was their third cruise of 2019.

None of this would be possible without her left ventricular assist device (LVAD), a mechanical pump that was implanted in November 2017.

“I feel better than I’ve probably felt in four or five years,” Sherri said. “It’s amazing.”

A slow decline

About 25 years ago, Sherri defeated breast cancer. A couple of years later, cancer metastasized in her rib.

While chemotherapy and radiation saved her life, it also led to heart failure.

Since this diagnosis in 2000, her heart stopped beating several times, including once in her backyard pool where she nearly drowned. Her then 9-year-old son called 911 to save her life.

Doctors implanted a defibrillator in 2001, which she said has saved her life five times.

To stay heart-healthy, Sherri resigned from her high-stress job as a cardiac nurse, and turned her knitting hobby into a business by opening a yarn shop with her sister.

But over time, heart failure took more and more of a toll.

By 2017, even a trip to the grocery store proved to be too much, exhausting her dwindling supply of energy.

When her medications couldn’t keep her going, she sought help from the Advanced Heart Failure Clinic at the Spectrum Health Fred and Lena Meijer Heart Center. She learned she was in end-stage heart failure.

“To say I was scared was probably an understatement,” Sherri said.

It was there that she met Sangjin Lee, MD, MSC, an advanced heart failure cardiologist, who suggested the LVAD.

In layman’s terms, LVADs are essentially mechanical devices that assist the heart in pumping blood throughout the body. LVADs may be used to improve a person’s medical condition until a heart becomes available for transplantation or for long-term, indefinite therapy.

Many people live with LVADs for years and years, enjoying life once again.

Richard and Sherri didn’t need an explanation. Until his retirement in late 2019, Richard worked as a cardiac perfusionist at Spectrum Health Meijer Heart Center, helping LVAD patients every day.

Sherri spent seven weeks in intensive care as she recovered function once the LVAD started to work. She had to relearn how to walk and how to swallow.

After she recovered from her LVAD surgery, in May 2018, she was activated on the heart transplant list. Initially she spent most of her time sticking close to home, waiting for the call she knows might never come, as precious few donated hearts are suitable for women with small frames.

Then Richard suggested a road trip to visit a daughter in Florida. Next the couple took the first of three cruises. And they traveled to Quebec and Nova Scotia, where she logged more than 15,000 steps a day.

As she traveled, she sent photos to the advanced heart failure team that saved her life.

“It is a joy for us, as her providers,” Dr. Lee said. “That is the reason we do what we do—to bring patients back the quality of life they were missing … it’s fantastic.”

‘Don’t let it slow you down’

The LVAD has been liberating for Sherri.

But it also includes some limitations. The LVAD has a controller and external, rechargeable batteries, which Sherri carries in a purse slung over her shoulder all of her waking hours. She takes her spare battery pack, which she nicknamed Agnes, wherever she goes.

She can’t get the device wet. That means no swimming or kayaking. Some LVAD patients can shower using a special shower kit.

And she can’t vacuum, a limitation that puts a smile on her face. She gladly delegated that job to someone else.

Plus, she takes “a boatload of pills” and understands the various alarms that can be frightening.

“If I stop and think long enough, I could wig myself out,” she said.

Her advice to others with an LVAD?

“Don’t let it slow you down. You are here, and this is a gift.”

For Sherri, the LVAD is also a call to evaluate her life and look for more ways to give back.

It’s also given her a new perspective.

“I’m so thankful for my church, my family and my friends. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore,” she said. “I’m perfectly content.”

‘This is a gift’ published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.tumblr.com/

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gordonwilliamsweb · 5 years