#VIC IS REALLY SORRY ITS JUDT BEEN A REALLY SAD WEEK SO HAHAHAH SORRY FOR THIS

[kettlewrites]

composure — bc

summary: in sickness and in health, til death do us part but what if it wasn’t death in particular that set you two away? [2.4ishK words]

warning: major angst, female reader (sorry!), age up chan (maybe like late twenties, just know he isn’t twenty-two), miscarriage, profanity, sad chan sitting in the darkness of his office crying, vic is sad and sorry for this, happy ending i promise, no proofreading/caps like always!

everyone thought that the two of you had moved too quickly with your relationship. only being together for a couple of years before getting married and moving to the other side of town to settle down in each others arms. although you always disagreed because what did other people know about your love.

that love that had consumed the two of you and had blinded each other from the other’s flaws. everything was perfect as long as at the end of the night you held each other close and whispered sweet nothings before falling asleep being tangled in each others arms. and that’s how it was for at least a year into your marriage life with bang chan.

the domestic home life was everything you could ever wanted. the early morning laughs with each other when the other would get up for work or the late night dinner-movie sessions on the weekends when you two could finally wind down and relax. not to mention the way chan was so utterly in love with you and gentle whenever it came to the time that it was needed. you had scored the jackpot with him as he believed he had done the same with you. it was you and chan against the world, your love being the shield from the evil monsters that the universe had thrown at you.

this monster, however, was too strong and was completely tearing down the shield that you thought could protect the two of you from anything.

it had started on spring morning. the cherry blossoms were starting to bloom and the bees were buzzing around the sky to do their jobs. you had woken up to an empty bed, something that was common on tuesdays as chan had to take an especially early train to get to work on time. you had another hour before you needed to get up for your own shift, but something in your stomach make you launch yourself towards the toilet.

you had puked up your entire dinner the previous night, leaving yourself feel completely drained and weakened. you continued to think about what could’ve made you this nauseous. it wasn’t the food because chan would’ve been just as sick nor were you feeling feverish. then it had hit you when you curled over the pearl white bowl emptying what felt like nothing left in your stomach what it had been.

two weeks had past before you told chan. your hands were shaking uncontrollably as your face went pale when you sat across from him at the dining table. you still hadn’t found a way to tell to tell chan about that stupid stick that you were hiding behind your back. there were tears pooling in your eyes as chan sat there completely worried at you were going to say.

“what is it baby?” his voice was soft, he reached out his hand for you but pulled back once he realized you were going to reach for him.

you closed your eyes and took another deep breath, the tears that had pooled in your eyes fell down onto the glass surface. everything from your lack of composure made chan fear for the worse.

“i…” you had already talked to him about it, during the winter where the two of you were curled on the couch christmas night. he had given your his opinion on it, all in good terms if it had ever come to that point. he wanted it, but why were you still too scared to tell him?

was it the fact that it was proving everyones theory to be correct? that the two of you had been moving quite speedily in your lives at such a young age or was it the fact that you were unsure if the two of you were actually as ready as you said you were. no one’s ever as ready as they say they are, no one can ever be fully ready for any situation in a world with endless possibilities.

another stream of tears rolls down your redden cheeks as a soft sniffle escapes your lips.

“i’m pregnant.” and you felt your entire world come crashing down onto you as you placed the test on the table.

chan embraced you with the biggest smile on his face, his eyes upturning as his dimple was shining at the corner of his lips. he was over the moon and cried when he saw those faint two little lines on the plastic stick.

“why were you sad love?” he asks, his arms wrapped around you as you both sat on the couch, “it’s not like you knew i didn’t want one, we talked about it during christmas.”

“you remember?”

“it never left my thoughts,” he smiles, “just to know that we could have a little us running around.”

and that’s when you knew that everyone was completely wrong because whatever speed you both were going was the perfect speed for you.

he had accompanied you to the first doctors visit where they had confirmed that there was definitely something growing inside of you and that you were still on the earlier side of the things. when the doctor had offered to let the two of you listen to the faint heartbeat, chan had said yes in an instant crying when he heard the little thumps.

you were eight weeks in, a heartbeat and a crying husband at your side and somehow you were content with this. the next couple of weeks were spent making sure you were taking your vitamins and keeping in check with the app that chan had downloaded for you to track the timeline of your pregnancy. with every morning him kissing your cheek before work and every night kissing your swelling stomach before tangling his arms around you and drifting to sleep.

then you were done with your first trimester with just only a little louder heartbeat and a still crying husband who was telling his parents and friends about how his little angel probably had his nose and little dimples. you had been wary to tell people so early on but chan was persistent on at least telling his parents, so you have obliged.

“we’re so excited!” it was the only thing you had heard for the next week as word had spread fast. han jisung didn’t know how to keep his mouth shut and told your entire circle of friends even if there were only about ten of you.

as you passed sixteen weeks, you had built up a shield so strong with chan that you believed nothing could make it come crashing down. you had found it would be a girl, who would definitely be loved by chan with his entire heart, during your sixteenth week appointment. everything was fine. at the time you had believed that everything would be just fine as you entered the safe zone. oh how were you so naive.

it was close to the end of july, you were sitting on the couch with a small bowl of popcorn as you watched old reruns of a variety show you didn’t really get but there was nothing else on this late at night. chan had been running late at the office and you were just waiting for him to bring you back something you had been craving. you heard his rattling with the doorknob and felt your heart melt with he greeted you with a smile wrapped around his tired face.

“honey,” he coos with the bag of donuts in his hand, “i’m home.”

you greeted him back with a hello and took his kiss along with the donuts with a happy heart. nothing could take your smile from your face right?

you were seventeen weeks in, laying on the cold emergency room stretcher with tears in your eyes and your husband holding your hand tightly whispered that everything was okay on a loop. a weekend full of coming in and out of your doctors office because of some uncommon things you had noticed before you had found yourself laying right here in the hospital at four am. you closed your eyes as you listened around to the other patients in the room, your anxiety lacing itself on every part of your body.

you listened to the machines beeping with the doctors talking over their interns about the diagnosis of their patients. you had been holding your sobs as you didn’t want to be completely vulnerable on the stretcher. you had been here for an hour now, waiting for the doctors to come back with the test results.

and all you could think about was the shield you were holding up to help fight down this monster, but the longer it took for the doctor to come back the more you had felt that this might’ve been a battle you couldn’t win.

“i’m sorry.” it played in your head over and over again.

chan had driven you home after you scheduled the surgery with your doctor. the car ride was silent, it hadn’t been like this in the years that you both had been together. the only thing that could be heard was your silent sobs and chan’s occasional sniffle as he tried his best to keep his composure from breaking down.

a week had past, you were sore from the surgery but otherwise your doctor had said you were physically recovering fine. your heart, on the other hand, was not. you continued to beat yourself up and blamed yourself for everything.

“no one knows what could’ve done this.” chan tried to reassure you after the doctors gave you mindless answers of why or what or when or where or how.

and you snapped. not out of anger but instead out of frustration and grieve that you had snapped because you didn’t know how to deal with this pain that was consuming your entire body. when you snapped was when chan had lost it too.

your first real fight with your husband. you cried and screamed to the point that the home felt like it shook and you could hear you heart breaking into more pieces.

you didn’t speak to each other for the rest of that week. chan would sleep on the couch as you locked him out of the bedroom and he’d leave before you were up so you wouldn’t have to look at him. all you could do was cry even if you felt like there was no tears left in your body.

a week became two before becoming three, then you found yourself in a routine at where you hadn’t spoken to chan in a month. even if you did, it turned into bickering at the smallest things like if he left the trash bin open or you didn’t wash a cup you had left in the sink.

and you had to begin to think that this was it. the last straw that was pulled that caused the vows that were said to be completely broken. you were sitting on the kitchen counter, tears rushing down your face as you stared at the ultrasound pictures that were taped to the fridge because the two of you were too cheap to buy magnets. you stared at the note that chan had written to the baby the day after your first check up.

‘be healthy, mom and dad love you.’

that’s when you had lost it completely, finally realizing that you had made a mistake in avoiding him for so long. you made your way to his office, hearing the somber music being played on the speakers you had gotten him during valentines day, hesitating as your hand hovered over the door handle. you softly opened the door, seeing your husband being taken by the darkness of his office.

his face being lit by his computer screen and the lamp that was turned to face the wall. you could hear his muffed sobs as he stared at the scan of the ultrasound pictures as he continuously asked the screen why as if it would answer back to him.

“chan..” you called out for him softly, afraid of how he’d react of you snooping on him.

chan rushes to wipe his tears away, unknowing that you had already been watching him cry over the last few minutes, and turned to face you.

“yeah?”

you reach to turn on the lights before leaning against the door frame, a saddened expression on your face. everything about your body language was reflected with his, the both of you were suffering without each other.

“we should talk about this.” you mumble, your heart beginning to speed up as you felt the anxious feeling start to take over, “i’m sorry for continuously snapping at you chan.”

his expression softens and that same smile that you had fall in love with all those years ago wrapped onto his lips, “thank god i thought you wanted to… end us. i was so scared of losing you too.”

you don’t know what caused you to start crying at that very moment, the fact that chan thought you wanted to divorce or the fact that you both had come to that point where it was in the air. within an instant, he quickly wraps his arms around you to help you calm down saying that he was sorry for even bringing it up. it took around a minute for you to stop sobbing into his chest and another minute to the point where you both were sitting in his swivel chair.

“there was nothing you could do you know.” he finally says, his breath against the crook of your neck, “but we can always try again because we’re still young and we have so much time.”

“i know.” you whisper, listening to the sound of his heartbeat which reminds you of the time he cried listening to the baby’s.

“we’ll get through this,” he laughs, “we always get through it together.”

you lift your head to look at him, that same smile made you reflect one to him.

“god you know that i love you right?” he says before pressing a kiss against your forehead

“i love you too channie.”

and even if the world was a horrible place, full of monsters that will always continue to break down your shield. you had the love of your life there to help build it back up. because like it always had been, it was chan and you against the universe and you both were always ready to get that little ’us’ whenever time was ready.