#Uupiic talks negative

[uupiic]

Sometimes, I think about that person who shows up in my dreams and who I know I'm supposed to be, and how I'll never become that even if I tried, and then I feel like there's no real point in continuing.

[uupiic]

I wish I could hug, very gently, my brain and tell it that it's fine, that it's okay, we're not abandoned, we're not going to die, this is not a thing that happens any more, we're not in danger of dying of exposure or wild animals just because some people do not do a thing. Look, you've got all these foodstuffs, and I'm making the feely good soup right now, we're going to be okay.

Because right now it's freaking out and crying and screaming that we're going to die, and there's nothing I can do about that.

[uupiic]

dunnou how to explain to people that ''just pick up a pencil and draw shapes''/''just write garbage'' is not going to work because I am sitting here staring at it and going ''just. pick up the pencil. IT'S RIGHT THERE. stupid bitch. pick it up and draw!'' and the equivalent of it for writing

just draw/write is not the fix y'all think it is, and I can't even have a long, luxurious cry about it because I was taught, by no other than my dear family, that crying about stupid shit like this will only garner mockery

I'm just... so done

[uupiic]

gawds

I want to do the Land of the Unicorns (WIP title) thing, but I can't.

I know every single thing and event that happens there, and I just can't fucking sit down and write it because what even IS the fucking POINT anymore.

[uupiic]

Me: *drawing*

Me, literally a minute later:

[uupiic]

fuck's sake

I wish they would get back to me faster about that job thingy.

(the prospect of) that gig is the only thing that keeps me more or less going this time of year. If somebody else decides they want it, or it goes to somebody else, or they decide they do not, in fact, need help, then that's it. That might just be what forces me to resign.

IDK how I'd survive, but I can't do this anymore. My mental health is in the fucking ditch. I've one fucked up knee. I can't sleep normally because my back hurts like hell. Everybody just keeps taking vacations upon everybody else calling in sick. I got new stuff to do TWO DAYS AGO. AND YESTERDAY. AND TODAY. Not to mention the additional stuff I ALREADY do for two months now.

I don't have the strength to keep going and going, and going. I don't have it in me to mask any longer. FUCK'S SAKE. My birthday is tomorrow, and all I want is not to wake up.

[uupiic]

here I am thinking about how it's three days before it's back to work for me, and I've barely started feeling alive again, and now I have to once again go and be part of a soul-crushing, mind-numbing existence, and now I once again kinda want to lie down and cry, but for different reasons now.

Well, ok, for the same reasons, but this time it's different.

[uupiic]

I think that’s it.

I can’t write any more, either.

[uupiic]

I have three documents open, and I can’t.

I want to. I know what I should write. But I can’t. The moment I bring one up, there’s such despair...

I can’t.

[uupiic]

Me: Fuck. I ate. I slept. I took a shower. WHY AM I STILL SAD???

Me: Oh, right. The Depression™

[uupiic]

And we’re back to feeling incompetent and like a complete hack. Love the feeling, lets me get back down to earth real quick.

[uupiic]

Y'all will go around screeching how much you love autistic people until the moment the person displays anything inconvenient or ''bad'' that isn't out of the uwu stimming uwu hyperfixation uwu lining things up in order, and then it's ''no you're a bad person, actually uwu''.

Even better if you hear it coming from the inside of the spectrum/so-called "community" itself.

[uupiic]

I know that the Tumblr Neurodivergents™ won't like this, probably, but The Best Time I have had discussing my own stuff and characters was when I was discussing them with neurotypical friends.

With them, I was on equal grounds, and each of us had roughly the same amount of ''screen time'' and contributed the same. Whereas with folks these days, it feels like I'm being steamrolled. Constantly reverting back to talking about their stuff and their characters.

I don't think I've had a good talk (or any talk that wasn't answering an offhanded question) about my own since, like, 2019. Roughly since the time when writscrib shut down.

I am still painfully aware of that set of asks, but this is less about asks and more about whole... conversations. I just can't pull those any longer, my brain has been run into a corner, except there's a glass wall around it, so now it just sits there, hurts, and snarls every time something tries rattling it with talks about both original and fan works. (Actually you know what? That right now actually put into words the feeling I've been having as of late.)

[uupiic]

Right. That's another project I'll be scrapping then.

At this point, I should probably just kill the art-and-online-self and be the work-self.

Wonder if it's too late to become an alcoholic, because seriously, fuck this.

[uupiic]

I wonder if anyone else feels like they're not really allowed to enjoy stuff because they're not... idk... pretty enough to enjoy things?

I don't mean just things like going out, I mean just... things. You'll be sitting there, playing a new game, or watching a movie, or listening to fucking MUSIC, and all of a sudden you get hit with a ''I am not pretty enough to be worthy of enjoying this thing". That's the best I can explain it. Sometimes, especially if I'm out and about, it can get bad enough so I'd have to literally force myself to keep attending the thing and not walk out right there and then. Gods fucking forbid if the thing contains pretty people (which is like... 99% of entertainment these days lol) :')

And it's not just the entertainment industry, it's also things like other people's art and writings. Fan fiction becomes very hard to write under these conditions, and let us not even talk about original fiction. How dare you write about pretty people and interesting things! Look at yourself! You're not worthy of it! Go shame yourself in a corner!

Like, I am pretty sure that a big part of whatever it is I have right now, burnout, not burnout, whatever, is the feeling of "I am not allowed to like this thing, because only the pretty and thin people are allowed to like it".

Trying to make yourself see yourself as a person instead of, like, a void, is hard enough without being stupid about this, too. IDK.

(like, growing up with all those movies where the pretty people/kids had Adventures and Hobbies while the ugly, non-skinny ones sat at home stuffing their face surely did NOT help, but IDK if that message could've hit SO late that it's messing me up NOW)

(edit: no I am NOT looking for "advice to overcome it")

[uupiic]

Had to destroy an entire 2 days worth of work. It was shit. And now I'm sitting here with the knowledge that I will never amount to anything good or even adequate.