#Usopp really should get a lawyer

[victorie552onepiecespeedrun]

Reading One Piece pt 166: Chopper Says Pick A God And Pray

Chapters 405-408

Thoughts:

- There’s a color page. God, why is there a color page. I saw a comic with Straw Hats in these costumes and thought “Why would anyone create such abomination?” And now I have Oda to blame for it. Why, Oda, why

- Damn it, stay DOWN, Spoiler Guy

- Ah, now we got that owl reference

- Lol

- How in the name of seven did they get into the water

- Chopper really can’t help here

- He hears sounds

- “No way, did he open the fridge door!?” what did you expect would happen, Chopper

- Now Franky and Spoiler Guy are fighting in the water

- …ok, so Spoiler Guy can fly? Is that what I’m seeing?

- Yup

- Listen, how long will that fight be. Stop flirting and finish it already, you two

- Fpos/cs: “Transform into “Princess”, “Painter” and “Paula of the bar””! aww, go follow your dreams, ladies. Guys, guess which one’s a princess

- What is this nonsense

- FINALLY, Spoiler Guy is DOWN FOR GOOD. Take his key, Franky

- Meanwhile, Zoro and Usopp…

- …well, they’ll working on their cardio, that’s for sure

- CP9 is arguing in the back

- …Zoro. Zoro, no.

- DO NOT CUT OFF ANY LIMBS YOU HEAR ME!!!!

- No, wait, he has another idea. I’m a little scared to hear it, to be honest

- “YOU’RE NOW… A SWORD!” “Get me a lawyer” ahkfgGhfhhdJChf oh my god

- In the kitchen, Chopper worries about Hairy Samurai’s metabolism

- What is happening here

- …Looks like Chopper will have to take his special drugs to defeat that guy and he’s not happy cause it will wreck his body. Drugs are bad, kids

- He will take them. He didn’t say that yet but when three pages ago Zoro contemplated sewing his hand off the future is predictable. What kind of role models, Oda

- Fpos/cs: “Chocolade Lady, Fireman, Pizza Delivery Man and Tank” aww pt 2! If you’re wondering who’s the Tank, it’s the dog

- They destroyed that kitchen

- Chopper is desperate, poor guy. YOU CAN AND WILL DECK THAT GUY, YOU BRAVE REINDEER

- Oh, we’re getting flashback! Doctorine’s here to yell at little Chopper!

- “He’s gonna kill me” NO HE WON’T

- Hah

- WHAT THE HELL

- BOIIIIIIIII

- OUR CHOPPER’S AN ELDRITCH MONSTER NOW!!!!

- Franky got the key. It’s a wrong one, but it’s a key

- Meanwhile…

- No, excuse me, why is Kalifa taking a bath. What the hell

- Oh, Nami fought her already and lost I assume. So Kalifa went to take a bath

- …no, it still doesn’t make sense, what is CP9

- “What’d did you do to me!?” oh right, we still don’t know Kalifa’s new power

- (it’s still a fanservice to end all fanservice :D )

- Oh look, Nami stood up and hit Kalifa with thunderbolt. You go, Nami!

- Fpos/cs: “Pirate King and Hero” …huh. That spell has a very wide range. Follow your dreams, Mr.1. Crocodile, your dream is doomed, find a new one (lol, his face)

- Meh, that did nothing

- Ah, Kalifa’s a Soap Woman now! She can create bubbles from any part of her body! Better power than giraffe, that’s for sure

- “Wah, she’s so sexy! If she were my secretary, I’d be happy! …WAIT, I’M NOT A MAN!!” either you were possessed by Sanji’s spirit or you’re at least bi, Nami. Those are your only options. I would go with bisexuality if I were you

- “The bubbles I diffuse from my body can remove anything.” Oh shit, that bad

- What am I watching

- Ah, that’s how she make people shiny

- (Sanji… what did you let her do)

- Yes, yes, please let’s go back to our Eldritch Monster  

- Ahahahaha

- Goodbye, Hairy Samurai, I never liked your speeches

- …

 - …Jesus

- Oh no, Chopper lost his senses

- Meanwhile, Spandam still didn’t get to The Gate of Justice

- I like Spandam’s cape. It looks really good with his elephant sword. Man knows how to accessorize

- Oho, this time they all heard it! Luffy’s coming!

- “Chief, please keep going… and take Nico Robin with you” ha, I knew Lucci wanted that fight

- Yeah!

Luffy and Lucci meet again!

rOP 165  rOP 167

[animebw]

Reading One Piece: Chapters 713-714

-It’s interesting how Fujitora is trying to rules-lawyer this situation to his advantage. If he’s relatively new to the navy, he must be putting more thought into those rules than those who have already become numb to them.

-”We’re allies in this!” Once again, Law has not fucked around a day in his life.

-”A meteorite?!” ARE YOU ENTIRELY SERIOUS

-Those silent two pages of combat were chilling. So much god-level power being thrown around on all sides of this Mexican stand-off.

-”Pardon the intrusion, hopeless man!” god dammit this asshole actually made me laugh

-Did. Did Usopp serious pass himself off as Montblanc Noland’s descendent to earn these guys’ trust. This, sir, is your finest fib yet.

-Behold, the face of a man who really needs to learn how to think before he opens his big fat mouth:

-Okay, did I skip a chapter or something? When did these attackers get aboard the Thousand Sunny? Why are Nami and her friends suddenly walking art pieces? Huh?

-Ooh, is Bellamy growing a conscience? This should be interesting...

-Giant vs giant bull? Giant vs giant bull.

-skjhkdjfhsd well that giant didn’t last long

[britishassistant]

But I Like One Piece (9)

It takes her a long time to get Okaa-sama back inside.

There’s masks watching from the trees as she closes the door, and she can spot more through all the windows, glimpses of white against dark leaves.

She closes the door and locks it.

Then she draws the blinds on all of the windows, as though that will act as a barrier somehow.

Her mother is still weeping softly downstairs.

She slides down a wall, trying to choke back sobs herself. She can’t do this. Not now. She needs to think, to plan, not—not cry like a helpless little eight year old.

She is mentally twenty, she needs to act like it.

She pinches her arms, hard, until the tears in her eyes are from the pain instead.

Think, Ketsugi. How can you convince the authorities of Otou-sama’s innocence without getting yourself and Okaa-sama locked up as well?

The easiest way would be to catch the real culprit.

But she has no idea what actually happened yet, let alone who could’ve done it. If she tries to start snooping around the crime scene for clues, she’ll probably be caught and imprisoned for suspicious behavior. And then Okaa-sama would be all alone, so that’s out.

She could go on strike.

Not a hunger one, but she could sit outside the Hokage’s office with a cardboard sign? Naruto, Lee, Chouji and Sakura would sit with her, she’s sure. Maybe even all of their lunchtime group.

And then the masks will take them, like they’d taken Naruto and Lee, all of her friends vanishing in swirls of leaves, never to be seen again—

She has to bite down on her knee, teeth digging into the flesh awkwardly, to keep herself from screaming.

She briefly entertains a fantasy of going around and beating masks up until they tell her where Otou-sama is, and then staging a dramatic rescue complete with a dynamic entry and exit.

No, she decides, swallowing the metallic taste in her mouth. She’s nowhere near strong enough for that, no matter how much she’s improved under Gai-sensei’s and her father’s training. The masks would just hurt her again.

So if she can’t find the true culprit, or peacefully protest his imprisonment, or rescue Otou-sama by force, what can she do?

She gnaws at her lower lip.

...There really isn’t anything, is there?

Everything she can think of would end up with them imprisoned as well, or worse. Konoha’s not like her last life, with laws and foundations and charities against illegal incarceration. They don’t even have a police force anymore, since all the Uchiha were the police and all the Uchiha are dead.

Things like bail or lawyers or civil rights are probably about as substantial as a pipe dream here.

That must be why Okaa-sama’s crying so much.

Because she knows that the people who took Otou-sama have all the power here, and anything they try to do to get him back could mean he’s forced to stay captive for longer instead, to punish them for disobedience.

All they can do is keep their heads down and try not to show any aggression or resentment and hope obedience translates into loyalty and innocence in the eyes of the right people.

They’re just immigrants after all. They have no power in a village that doesn’t want them here.

She troops downstairs, knee stinging with the movement.

She takes the portion on the plate out of the oven, and switches the oven off. She gently puts it onto a smaller plate and covers it in foil, waiting for it to cool before she puts it into the fridge. She washes off the big plate and puts it back in the cupboard where it lives.

She does not consider giving the meal to someone else or eating it herself. Otou-sama is coming back. It’ll...just take him a little while, that’s all.

She goes back upstairs and brushes her teeth and puts on her little nightie.

By the time she comes back down, the food’s cooled enough to safely be put in the fridge.

She lingers in the doorway of the living room. “Okaa-sama?”

Her mother lifts her head from her arms. Her eyes are swollen and red, and her thick brown hair is disheveled. “Hm?”

“Can I sleep with you in the big bed tonight?” She asks, ears burning, painfully aware that she hasn’t done so since she was two and would wake up screaming from dreams about her old family and best friend and robbers with itchy trigger fingers.

“Oh sweetheart.” Her mother murmurs. “Of course. Just let Okaa-san get ready for bed, alright?”

“Okay.” She says. She goes back upstairs.

She sits and rubs spit into the little teethmarks on her knee, so the sluggishly bleeding punctures will scab over and she won’t get blood on her parents’ sheets.

They’ve stopped bleeding and she’s crawled under the covers and dozing by the time Okaa-sama finally comes upstairs and begins washing up for bed.

Her mother hugs her close in bed, her hair dampening under the onslaught of silent weeping.

Hey Franky, Usopp, Sanji and Luffy. She prays silently. I know this is a lot to ask, but please, please, please. Let Otou-sama come home safe. Me and Okaa-sama can’t do anything, so please. Help us by doing what we can’t.

“Psst!”

She rolls over in bed, eyes feeling too heavy to open.

“Psst! Little girl! What was it...Ketsugi Mayu-san!”

She wrinkles her nose, blinking and rubbing the sleep out of one eye.

There’s a turtle on her pillow. It’s little, and green with yellow swirls on it’s shell.

But still. Turtle.

“Y’r a t’rtle.” She slurs.

The turtle looks very indignant (can turtles do that?) and straightens its head. “I.” It whispers, in a very self-important tone. “Am a tortoise.”

“Y’r a t’rt’se.” She corrects agreeably. Then pauses. “Didj’ou jus’ talk?”

“Yes I did. Honestly girl, haven’t you ever seen a summons before?” The tortoise complains.

“Whassa summons?” She asks, rubbing her other eye.

The tortoise mutters something that sounds a little unkind about civilian families. “You can call this one Jimichi. I have come from Gai-sama, bearing a message for Ketsugi Mayu-san.”

Okaa-sama shifts restlessly behind her.

She looks behind her at her mother, and then back to the tortoise. “May I pick you up, Jimichi-san?”

Jimichi-san looks like he’s about to protest when Okaa-sama lets out a soft little sob in her sleep. “Ooh—alright then, just this once, mind!”

She carries the tortoise into her bedroom and sets him down on her bed, kneeling in front of him.

“Are you hungry, Jimichi-san? Would you like some water or anything?”

The tortoise looks considering, before shaking his little wrinkly head. “No, thank you. I will be fine, so long as I complete my mission.”

She sits back on her heels to listen, trying to ignore the little pinpricks of pain in her knee.

“Gai-sama wishes to tell you he will be out of the village for the next week or so—he is currently in pursuit of the thieves who broke into Hokage Tower earlier today. He conveys his regards to Ketsugi Jirou and Chie, and expects you to keep up your most youthful training with Uzumaki Naruto-kun and Rock Lee-kun.” The tortoise took a breath.

“Are Naruto and Lee alright, Jimichi-san?” She bursts out, hardly able to control herself.

The tortoise shoots her a withering look. “How should I know? Yūcho and Katsu were sent to talk to them, not me.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I-I just haven’t seen them since the mask took them away a-aft-after—” She swallows, and makes herself continue even if her voice sounds small. “—After he said my father was being held in Interrogation.”

There’s a quiet inhale.

“Has your father been doing anything that warrants this suspicion?” Jimichi-san asks.

She frowns. “Of course not. If he were going to do it, Otou-sama would’ve talked it over Okaa-sama and come up with a plan to get her and me and Naruto out if he got caught—he loves her too much not to. And both of them are too much in love with Gai-sensei to hurt the village he loves like this.”

“What.” Jimichi-san squeaks.

There’s a soft snap from the tree in next door’s garden. Maybe a stray cat?

“I know.” She whispers, barely stifling giggles. “It’s so embarrassing—at breakfast t-they always pine over hi-his e-eve-every w-wo—”

Ah. She’s crying. She rubs furiously at her face, but it’s not stopping, why won’t it stop—

“Oh—blow.” Jimichi-san sighs. “...if I find out what happened to Uzumaki Naruto and Rock Lee, will you stop making this racket?”

She sniffs miserably. “‘M sorry.”

He gives a disdainful huff before retracting into his shell.

There’s two puffs of smoke, and then there’s a yellow tortoise with blue swirls on its shell and a purple one with red swirls on her bed.

“Jimi, dude, what gives?” The yellow one says.

“I am not your ‘dude’, Yūcho!” Jimichi-san hisses. “My name is Jimichi! And keep your voice down, you numbskull!”

“Awright, awright, don’t get’cha panties in a twist, jeez.” Yūcho-san says without lowering his voice very much at all. “‘Sup little dude?”

“Hello.” She replies, biting her lower lip to keep from laughing. Don’t think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, don’t think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, don’t—

“U-um.” The purple one whispers. “Why are we here, Jimichi-san? Was there a problem with delivering your message?”

“Wh-of course there wasn’t!” Jimichi-san blusters. “My message was delivered with all due promptness and clarity, wasn’t it, Ketsugi-san?”

“Yes Jimichi-san.” She nods. “I’m Ketsugi Mayu. It’s nice to meet you, Yūcho-san, Katsu-san.”

The purple one—Katsu-san— startles a little. “Eh, nice to meet you too. Um.”

“Oh fuck.” Yūcho-san stares at her. “You’re the one who’s dad is de—”

Jimichi-san somehow rockets himself across her duvet to slam into Yūcho-san and send him spinning like a top. “Don’t you dare use those words in front of a little girl, you idiot!!”

She gapes as Yūcho-san gradually slows and begins groaning complaints, not quite sure what to do or how to stop it if this somehow turns into a tortoise-brawl on top of her bed.

Don’t think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Jimichi-san stands. “Honestly. Ketsugi-san asked me to call you here because she was worried about Uzumaki Naruto-kun and Rock Lee-kun, and here you are, wasting her time. Now, did you two deliver your messages successfully to your recipients or didn’t you?”

“Of course I did, dude!” Yūcho-san protests. “Blondie was in his apartment and got the message loud and clear!”

“Um, I also was able to locate Lee-san at the Orphanage.” Kastu-san volunteers softly. “He was deep in thought, but was not actively distressed.”

She sighs. Well, she’ll take what she can get. “Thank you for your help, Yūcho-san, Katsu-san, Jimichi-san.” She bows at the waist.

“Ah, i-it’s no problem.” Katsu-san stutters, while Yūcho-san cheers, “Hey, happy to help!”

Jimichi-san lets out a little huff. “Well, you just keep your head down and your nose clean, alright? You’ll be no good to anyone if you’re in trouble too. Now run along back to bed, go on.”

She stands and bows to them again. The three tortoises all vanish in puffs of smoke.

It feels awful, trying to get up at her normal time the next morning.

She rubs the sleep from her swollen eyes, and tucks the blanket back in around her mother. Okaa-sama hadn’t even stirred during the night. Little furrows still crease her brow in sleep.

She kisses the crown of her mother’s head, and leaves the house as quietly as she can.

She keeps her eyes on her shoes and doesn’t look up at where she can feel the masks watching her.

Naruto hasn’t set up any traps this morning. She knocks on his door, the sound jarring in the quiet of dawn.

His eyes are bloodshot and red, making the blue look even bluer.

“I wan’ ‘Tou-san.” He mumbles.

She reaches out and hugs him tight, pretending she doesn’t feel his shoulders shaking as she strokes his back.

“I know.” She murmurs. “I want him too.”

Even Lee is subdued compared to his usual exuberance.

He’s trying his best. He takes both of them by the shoulders and says, “Don’t worry! Gai-sensei will definitely find the culprit soon and free your father from his most unyouthful imprisonment!”

Naruto’s face crumples even more at that for some reason, so she does her best to smile back at Lee for the both of them. “Yeah. Thanks, Lee.”

Since Lee’s the oldest and the most like Gai-sensei in temperament, it’s unanimously decided that he will be the one to lead the group’s exercises.

He’s not as hard a task-master as Gai-sensei, dropping the number of laps they have to do around Konoha by five every time Naruto yawns. They end up doing only one hundred of the original one hundred and fifty.

They’re running through the basic kata for what will eventually be a Dynamic Entry once their leg muscles are built up enough when it hits her.

She stops dead.

Unfortunately, her momentum doesn’t, so she wavers on her toes before her leg buckles and she crashes to the ground.

“Mayu-chan!”

“I’m okay!” She unfolds herself and sits up, looking into two pairs of worried eyes. “I’m fine—just remembered something and got distracted is all.”

“What is it?” Lee asks as Naruto plops down beside her.

She opens her mouth, and closes it. She looks away, ears and neck burning with embarrassment.

“I—” Her voice cracks, and she has to swallow. “I...may have forgotten to make us lunch last night?”

Lee decides that the best thing to do is run another lap of Konoha before going back to her house to make lunch together.

She readily agrees. She doesn’t think she could stand it if she had to work in a silent kitchen. Not today.

There are more people up and about now.

It may just be paranoia, but she could swear that many of them were whispering and pointing at her.

She keeps her eyes down and does her best to ignore this as she ignores the masks.

The house is still dark when she lets them in. Well, Okaa-sama does need her sleep.

They decide to make something quick and easy for lunch.

They have plenty of bacon, and some spring greens left over from yesterday’s miso soup. So while she parboils and shocks the vegetables, Lee stirs the bacon around in the pan, and Naruto puts what may be a little too much honey mustard on slices of bread.

Okaa-sama comes down sometime during when she’s patting the spring greens dry.

Her mother won’t stop touching, whether it’s ruffling Lee’s hair, giving her kisses on the cheek, or hugging Naruto.

Naruto latches onto Okaa-sama like an octopus with his arms and legs. Her mother promptly heaves him up to sit on her hip, showing no sign of strain at carrying around an eight year old boy, and begins to prepare breakfast around them.

By the time the sandwiches are assembled and put into the lunchboxes with sides of cherry tomatoes and pudding cups for dessert, there’s barely enough time to run through the basic strikes her father was teaching her.

Lee’s enthusiasm about her training is...well-intentioned if ill-advised.

“No, I’m not going to hit you with the bokken! It’ll really hurt!” She argues.

“Do not worry, Mayu-chan! I am sure that I will be able to block adequately so I am not injured!” Lee says cheerfully, giving her a thumbs up.

“I’m telling you, even blocking this will give you bruises!!” She yells back, exasperated. “Okaa-sama! Tell him!”

Okaa-sama smiles at them as Naruto giggles weakly, hitching him higher. “I think Mayu-chan is right about this, Lee-kun. Come on in both of you, breakfast is ready.”

The Academy is buzzing with rumors

Apparently what happened yesterday was a theft—though whether anything got taken or not or if the theft was combined with an attempt on the Hokage’s life is hotly debated.

The thief—or thieves’—target was apparently a scroll of some kind, which apparently contained some insanely strong, killer jutsu from the Nidaime’s time. Or the secret to eternal life. Or the Shodaime’s ultimate bloodline ability. Or all the money in Konoha’s treasury.

For some reason everyone pulls a face when one of the civilian kids volunteers the last option.

There’s also plenty of argument about who the culprits are. A lot of people think it was the Demolition Squad from Iwa, given the huge explosion. Others say it wasn’t flashy enough to be Iwa, that it had to be missing-nin from Suna. Still more say that there’s no way it’d be Suna, that the only people strong enough to get through Konoha’s defenses were the Seven Swordsmen of Kiri.

One or two say it might’ve been Uchiha Itachi, come back to test his strength against the Hokage, but glares from their lunchtime group quickly shut that up.

There’s a general consensus that it had to be an inside job though. That the culprits, whoever they were, needed somebody in Konoha to know where their prize was and how to get to it.

“But we saw that blonde guy yesterday.” Kiba insists. “It’s obvious that was one of the thieves!”

“That doesn’t discount the possibility of there being someone in Konoha who helped them.” Shikamaru drawls. “After all, how could an outsider who’s never lived here know anything?”

Something niggles in her brain, but she focuses on eating her sandwich.

Ino sighs. “Daddy’s had to do so much overtime at his work because of this stupid thing.”

She narrowly avoids flinching, and asks, “What does this have to do with your dad doing overtime at the flower shop?”

Theres’s a silence.

“What?” Ino says, confusion written all over her face.

She shrugs. She doesn’t think she said anything weird...

“Mayu.” Shikamaru says slowly. “What is it you think Ino’s family does?”

She takes another bite that tastes like cardboard and carefully thinks over her answer. “...Flower shop ninja?”

Ino snorts and Hinata begins giggling quietly, while Sakura stares at her. She shifts in her seat.

“Right.” Shikamaru says, squinting at her. “Okay. And Chouji’s family? Or Kiba’s.”

Oh, she knows these. “Chef ninja and dog ninja.” She replies confidently.

Chouji shrugs, nods, and bites into an onigiri while Kiba cheers, pulling Akamaru off his head for cuddles and doggy kisses.

“My family?” Sasuke cuts in, bags under his eyes. He looks like crap.

She meets his gaze head on. “Police ninja.” Then she puts the other half of her sandwich and her cherry tomatoes into his lunchbox.

He looks down at it, grunts, and bites into the sandwich. Then makes a face. “Too much mustard.”

“Blame Naruto.” She says, grinning at the boy in question’s mildly irritated “Hey!”

“Mine, Shino’s and Hinata’s families?” Shikamaru asks, head now cradled in his hands.

She frowns. “Insect ninja...” She points at Shino, who inclines his head, “I have no idea about Hinata...Sleepy ninja?”

Ino and Kiba promptly crack up. Even Chouji chuckles a bit.

Shikamaru’s head drops through his hands and thunks on the table. “How have you lived in Konoha your whole life and still know nothing?!”

“I know some things!” She argues, flushing in embarrassment. “It’s just—knowing what food you like is more important than where you come from, right?”

There’s a moment of silence as everyone stares at her.

Then Hinata goes red as Chouji hums next to her, a quiet, happy sound, and Shikamaru mutters “Troublesome,” under his breath as everyone focuses back on eating.