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thedevillionaire · 8 months

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So I haven't re-read everything but I was thinking about Cerberus and Lilith vs Cerberus and Kia. And I think Cerberus and Lilith were equal and opposite, constantly tussling and competing for dominance and power in their relationship. She's the ice to his fire, she brings out his power through conflict and it's stressful and tense but passionate and thrilling.

Now Kia and Cerberus are like fire and a redwood forest. The forest is fire’s natural home, feeding and renewing in a cycle that benefits both. She helps him grow in true strength rather than just power. They are still passionate, but Kia sates him in body and soul and Lilith leaves him hungry for something more.

Lilith is the cunning paramor of Cerberus the Conqueror and Kia is the steady partner of Cerberus the King.

Firstly, I am sending a novelty oversize amount of extra-warm fuzzies your way for not only thinking in depth about my OCs in the first place, but for then taking the time to write out and send your thoughts about them to me. 🥹💗💗🥹 A total honour.

Secondly, I love the forest/fire analogy. I may have fixated on it...kind of a lot. And now to the main point! Which I will put under the cut because blah blah blah, talky talky, all that. 😅

You're not far off the mark with Cerberus and Lilith, although one of the main reasons their coupleship lasted as long as it did (slightly over a decade, which is notably longer than most of my various Underworldian pairings tend to last) is that they were both very independent, and Lilith already established as a powerful entity in her own right. But oh, yeah, there were certainly a LOT of ups and downs. Also, back in the early days, Cerberus was somewhere between completely disinterested in and actively against the idea of love or a significant other for most of his life - it was a distraction, a pointlessness, an unnecessary responsibility he had no desire towards - and he just flat-out wasn't interested in anyone. Not long-term, anyway, not as anything...important. He's never been short of hopeful suitors - to put it mildly - but his usual reaction to that sort of thing mostly tended to be somewhere between boredom or irritation about it. Presuming he even noticed, lol. Lilith's independence and (very strong, some would say perhaps a little too strong, heh) self-esteem, her own achievements and intellect, plus the fact she's absolutely stunning, broke this antipathy in him, and in more than a few ways they were a great match. BUT. He was always more detached than she was, and Lilith loves to be openly admired, whereas Cerberus...well, it was never much of a priority for him. In lots of areas they both took a lot for granted, though differently, and you're dead on the money in terms of the balance of power, and where it fell...or appeared to. They exasperated each other regularly. Be that as it may, though, by any measure Lilith was the first person Cerberus ever loved. To the best of his ability at the time, that is. Kia was a revelation for him. He fell for her in a way he did not think was possible. Hell, I didn't think it was possible. You think you know someone, and, uh, well...🤣🤣 Nope. Apparently not. Turns out I can be, in fact, AMAZINGLY way off the mark about my own damn people. Cerberus and Kia's ongoing fascination with one another, both of them genuinely thinking the other is the Best Thing Ever (including the negatives; they're not perfect but they are perfect together), is something truly lasting and complementary, and regenerative - that forest/fire comparison indeed. Exactly. ❤️‍🔥

#thank you so much for this #for thinking about them and really considering aspects of their lives and relationships #it's an amazingness and i'm beyond appreciative of it xxx #i feel extremely spoiled lol #cerberus and kia #my OCs #i have no idea what i'm doing i just write here #well sometimes at least #crappy goddess problems haha

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cyncker-blog · 7 years

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I RUINED MY HUSBAND’S HAPPY DIVORCE

That’s the story you’ll get from his now 25-year-old daughter who was 12 at the time he and his wife divorced. My husband just happens to be and is known for being the ‘nicest guy in the world’ …and that is his blessing and curse. When his wife decided she wanted out of the relationship she physically at times beat on his chest to get him out of his home. I say his home because it had been in his family over 40 years and they had lived in it less than a year. Nice guys finally go when they are ordered out and live out of a duffle bag in a room somewhere to give a wife time to reconsider the future of their 15-year marriage and their two beautiful girls.

That’s where I came in, as the duffle bag landed in a room he rented in my mom’s large second home used for family retreats. That was February, and by mid summer we had just gotten past “Hi, how are you?” even though I spent more than a few weekends at the house. By August we went on a single date and have been together ever since. That was 14 years ago this month, and still I am ‘step-monster’ to a daughter claiming I ruined her parents so called ‘happy divorce.’

None of this is her fault of course. She, like most other children of the last 30 years, have been indoctrinated into the ‘what is best for the children’ mindset. The unintended consequence of this has a lot of children believing that they are the center of the universe and that we as adults, rotate around them and so naturally we must sacrifice our own hopes and dreams for theirs. Even though children, given this kind of power and no maturity or wisdom to use it, abuse it. Not surprisingly 99% of children come to the same conclusion about what is best for them. It’s attending to their primal need of wanting both parents together forever. Given a choice, which counselors do, children will opt for any arrangement that has their parents together as often as possible with them back in the center of those parents.

Let’s back up. In fact, ‘what is best for the children’ should actually be a major concern before the divorce. It’s no mystery about what they want. They want parents to find a way to build a better relationship and stay together. But this ‘thriving together’ homework is frankly something people just blow off, and the stats show it. The divorce rate is at 50% for first time marriages, 63% for second and over 70% for third marriages according to one recent study. We are un-skilled amateurs when we marry even if we are in the 5% who attend pre-marital counseling. In order to prepare for this lifetime journey and navigate the challenges of linking our entire life and future to another, most people plan their wedding not their marriage. An average of $30,000 and one year of prep time for a 6 hour party and a mere $800 and 8 hours to get a skill set to prepare you for livelong marriage and parenting. Clearly we stumble on the starting line.

In my husband’s case, Mom took an interest in another man. The level of interest was never owned, but they subsequently lived together for 8 years, so my guess is that sex was involved from the start. And at the start, less than a month after kicking my husband out, she sat him down and announced that this man across from him, who she still claimed was not her lover, would be my husband’s new friend and that they “would be seeing a lot of each other.” She believed that the co-parent culture would retain her hold over her ex, along with the delusional idea that a divorce would not get in the way of him being her ‘on call man’. Her little talk was quickly followed up by the girls spring dance recital. His ticket sat him next to his new ‘best friend’. When it was over, dad got to follow behind in his car with the new family in the lead, all tucked together driving off for ice cream. Even nice guys like my husband reach their limit and this was the first time he choked out a protest in the parking lot…”You would NEVER accept this treatment!” but proceeded anyway to his second string supporting actor role to her and her new leading man, because that is what co-parenting is all about….your feelings or needs no longer matter. It’s all about the the kids ..but all they care about is their iphone, ice cream and mom & dad.

So began the attempt by this woman to have her ex and lover too. She wanted nothing to change regarding all the help and support that my husband provided; phone calls every day, discussing every little aspect of their daily life, and btw, “you must take the kids in 2 hours”…there was no every other weekend set schedule. When we started talking about the arrangement, I was appalled at his lack of concern for his rights. She decided day by day when and if he would see his kids.

With me in his life, who had already learned the lesson well, sleepy ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ was snapping out of it and she was in for a rude awakening. I would not continue our relationship if he did not establish an ‘every other weekend and one weeknight’ schedule, the standard child custody arrangement. Without it, I/we would be giving up our freedom to plan our life and it would translate into significant restrictions on our lives. Although up to that point, the girls loved being with me/us, our new family was doomed. The minute he started to say ‘no’ by refusing her day by day calls over minutiae and insisted the schedule be established, she flipped. When his oldest flipped with her and screamed, “Mommy and Daddy were happily divorced until you came along”, I knew we’d be paying a dear price for his rebellion. My husband’s decision to play it ‘super nice’ was his insurance that she wouldn’t take the kids. His worse fears were realized when he fought back. Over the next 8 years he had the girls a total of one year.

His daughter was correct in naming me as the agitator; I would not start a serious relationship with anyone just to hold a bit part in their life. The idea of co-parenting includes new lovers/partners, but only allows them weak scenes in the failed family drama, as they play out the ‘oh so happy divorced best friends’ fiction. In this arrangement the new partner is reduced to caring, cleaning, paying, sacrificing and loving their step children with little to little to no voice or power regarding those same children…sorta like “taxation without representation”. But these stepparents needs don’t matter as this arrangement is designed to support “what’s best for the children”. If you ask kids they figure they must tolerate Dad’s or Mom’s new partner…as long as they get mommy and daddy together for ice cream after sporting events, parties, school events, doctors appointments, Christmas, graduations and finally sitting at the same table together on their wedding day and holding their first grandchild together.

The point that is entirely overlooked by those who claim, as she did, that she only wanted what’s best for her children is this: If she REALLY cared about her kids, she would have known that staying in the marriage with their father who was not abusive in any way to her or her children and was a good provider, the father and family they knew and loved, was in fact the BEST thing for her children. A mother who cared for her children would have chosen counseling over sex with a new lover. Clearly, there are always underlying issues that push people apart into another’s arms, but sex with someone new is the distraction to ignore those underlying issues. It was in fact about her needs from the start and not her children’s needs at all. She robbed her kids of their full time dad, this amazingly hard working, kind and loving father by all accounts and by all people, not just me.

So, how about we just back up here and realize that if people REALLY want what is best for their children, they will take a year of marriage workshops before they marry. How about a commitment to continue to dedicate themselves to conscious coupleship, with a fair agreement that respect means they will be honest and get help if either starts to have feelings for another outside the relationship, or when other problems arise that is beyond their skill set. They will choose not to have children to ‘improve’ their relationship. And finally, they will commit to not using sex as a way out. If all of this fails and they still split, then a true and complete “SPLIT” is the operative word and strategy.

This means no crazy co-families to burn on the ashes of their failed relationship. In a true split, both give themselves the gift of privacy with their new mate and children. A new life away from the peering eyes of the ex. If a married couple couldn’t see eye to eye enough to stay married, why should those eyes be allowed to be pry into their ex’s new relationship.

People should understand the consequences of truly being divorced. This break will mean they no longer raise the kids together …as they are not together. Instead of creating a pseudo harem, where the first wife is often present, and the next love must accept her place in the pecking order, the true split allows new partners not only privacy but an opportunity to gain respect and an equal voice, required to raise their step children. The children are free to show love to the new step parent without worrying that they might be betraying or hurting the same sex parent's feelings.

Although many an expert will say this is impossible, I will tell you otherwise as I’ve done it. Children adapt well to clear and consistent rules of different cultures. The fact is they go between school and camp easily. Authorities at these two venues do not contact each other and talk about the state and fate of each child. This is a good thing, as it allows children to try out new ways of being without labels following them as they explore their personalities.

This is the analogy I offer for divorced families…one home is ‘school’ and the other ‘camp’ …and never do the two meet again. In this way two new families form and have their own set of rules just as most environments do. Privacy for each family is key. The child will adapt to seeing mother and father separately as this is the point of divorce, separation. When celebrations happen …two celebrations are better than one.

When my husband finally stood up to his ex wife with my support, that was the end of him having access to his girls. His greatest fear was realized. Lawyers all told us the same, “You can take her to court and you will win as you were the upstanding Dad taking care of the girls more than equal time when you were married, while she went through her advanced degrees, however with this type of case, known as “alienation syndrome” the court can do nothing as the girls are old enough to refuse to get in your car if they think it’s not their mother’s wishes. They need her on their side as she is currently their only parent.”

It was very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that it was my education and support for my husband rights that triggered this nightmare, but I had been abused enough in my life and was finally be able to see it and respond by creating healthy boundaries and he was new to standing up for himself. Years later at 17, his youngest daughter choose to be back in his life. He has no relationship with his oldest daughter who wished me dead. He is sickened by the lost years with them, but never regrets that he wasn’t blackmailed into the ‘blended family’ structure that he is very clear would have had him tied to a woman he wanted out of his life.

For each of you who feel that you are great friends with your ex and your new mates are doing just fine with the arrangement, I will show you 100 families and 200 stepparents that are absolutely miserable. The complication of ‘blended families’ in fact is rated one of the top reasons second and third divorces fail. While psychologist and counselors are correct in saying that kids needs matter, they are wrong to ignore the needs of all the people involved. They are also way off base about how children’s needs should be met. The saner more supportive approach would be for counselors to create a culture of marriage planning vs. wedding planning. If the relationship must end then their work is to help kids navigate the death of this first family unit. Third, they would prepare them for the birth of new families that they will be part of, and working with them to understand these families are separate and complete. Still, many counselors may disagree vehemently with this counter-culture concept…that is until it hits them personally.

#parenting #divorce

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