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naughtyneganjdm · 1 month ago

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Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 14

Summary: Together, everyone continues to enjoy New York City, but the fun comes to an end when Joel's feelings for Y/N makes things uncomfortable between them. Negan gives Joel a huge surprise that Joel's not ready for.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, Elizabeth, Peter, Maggie, Tommy Miller, Maria, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/156587101

Warnings: Swearing, angst, Joel sings again in this chapter, dirty talk, etc.

Notes: This is being put up late because I fell asleep. Sorry about that. Thanks for those that read and comment! The song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls is a big part of this chapter. If anyone wants to listen to what it sounds like. I also edited this when I was very tired, so I'm sorry for any mistakes!

Hope was a very influential emotion. It could make you do things that you didn’t think you were capable of. Today it had Joel feeling a lot of things. It had him acting ways he wouldn’t normally. After last night and this morning, Joel was in better spirits than he had been in a very long time. So he was enjoying things more. He was putting forth more of an effort to be outgoing, optimistic. Friendly. Giving the energy that he thought his family wanted from him on this trip. Everyone seemed to enjoy this change in Joel, even himself.

After their shower, Joel and Y/N came downstairs to see that Negan and Elizabeth were finishing breakfast for everyone. What was hard was hiding the fact that they were both wet. Joel was pretty certain that Tommy may have picked up on something, but neither one of them tried to draw attention to things.

During their breakfast, Elizabeth enthusiastically told her uncle about what happened earlier in the morning. About how she woke up and Joel was missing. Which of course had Tommy asking a lot of questions to Joel when they were alone, but Joel refused to answer them in any way to give Tommy some kind of hint as to what happened. It was only his business with Negan and Y/N. That was it.

They had to finish breakfast fast because Negan had plans to take them to a Christmas market at Union Square. It was a longer walk to get there, so Negan had them driven there by a person he hired. And the car was insane. It definitely felt way too rich for Joel’s blood. Stuff like that still made Joel feel ridiculously uncomfortable. Because it felt like Negan was using his celebrity status to do things most people wouldn’t be able to. And in his opinion? Being driven around the city in expensive cards did draw unnecessary attention to his family in New York City. Even though those discomforts were lingering, Joel didn’t speak up or saying anything.

While they seemed to enjoy being at Union Square, most everyone seemed to enjoy Bryant Park more. Peter went through trying a bunch of food and it was usually without Joel realizing because Negan was consistently buying everyone things. And no matter how much Joel attempted to be comfortable with this kind of thing, he wasn’t. Having Negan pampering his whole family including him just made him ill at ease. The only thing that Joel had managed to accept from Negan was an apple cider donut that Negan had bought for him. It was one of his weaknesses and he had a hard time turning that stuff away.

Today was more about being tourists. Y/N had her camera out, taking photos of everything that caught her eye. Elizabeth was excited to get everything in and Peter was just happy to be there. Tommy and Maria were acting like what they were. A brand-new couple, high on each other and happy to be near one another.

They didn’t stay nearly as long at Union Square as they had Bryant Park the night before. Getting back into the cars, Negan had them driven to Macy’s claiming it was important getting to see it at Christmas time. Since Negan was the only person that had been there he gave them all the ‘so called’ tour. And because Negan was a celebrity, he managed to skip a large line of people that were there to get a photo with Santa Claus so all of them could have a keepsake. Getting to skip the line felt wrong to Joel. But then again? Considering how long that line was, Joel actually appreciated that they didn’t have to wait like everyone else. Christmas was days away and this experience was a whole lot easier than it was back at home when Joel got photos done with Peter and Elizabeth on his own.

The next thing they did was go to the Empire State Building because Negan insisted it was a must see for them. As a contractor, this was something that Joel knew Negan wanted him to see. While it was interesting, Joel found himself mostly just wanting to be near Y/N. Right now he felt close to her. Closer than they had felt in a long time and he was enjoying the fact that they weren’t fighting or uncomfortable with each other. Wanting to keep going, Elizabeth got them to go to Central Park where she was eager to walk around, everywhere. Problem was? Most of them were exhausted. They dragged along, but they certainly didn’t have the energy that Peter and Elizabeth had.

That meant there was a lot of coffee that was downed and Joel counted on Tommy and Maria to watch after them in the moments that he couldn’t with Y/N. If he was tired? Joel knew that Y/N would only be that much more tired.

Once the sun started to set, the group had decided to go ice skating. Negan denied going out on the ice suggesting that he hold onto Y/N’s camera to keep it safe. Out of the group, Joel was the only one that knew that Negan had hurt his knee doing the piano stunt the night before. Truthfully? Joel didn’t fight him on it. That meant more alone time with Y/N and he was eager to take it. At first, Negan just sat down on a bench alone, but Elizabeth wanted to go to a place that served hot chocolate that was famous because of a movie that it was featured in. Since Negan knew where it was, he agreed to take her allowing the rest of them to keep skating.

And that’s where they were now. Skating together and Joel loved it. Peter had met some kids that he was hanging out with. Tommy and Maria were enjoying themselves and Joel was skating on the ice with Y/N holding her hand.

“This has been nice,” Joel informed Y/N with a long sigh, gazing over at Y/N with awe. Thinking back on it, Joel couldn’t remember the last time he felt this good about things. Everything in the moment felt perfect. And he liked feeling that way. “I feel like I’m a kid again with you. It’s like I’m seventeen, deeply in love and happy. This has actually turned out to be a better trip than I thought it would be.”

“You had your doubts?” she wondered, frowning at the idea that he didn’t think he would enjoy himself. “You wanted to come here so bad when we were kids, Joel. I don’t know why you thought it would be awful.”

“It’s not the city that made it good Y/N,” Joel stressed to her, wanting her to understand that while when he was younger the city would have made him happy, it was more so the things that they were doing that left an impact on him. “It’s the moments. I’ve enjoyed getting to spend time with everyone and I don’t know…making memories?”

“That’s good,” she squeezed her fingers tighter around his, finding herself almost slipping. Spinning her into his arms, Joel smiled with her falling in against his chest. Sweeping his gloved covered hand in over the side of her face, Joel’s eyes were locked on hers. Giving her a wink, Joel lowered down as if to kiss her and she uneasily tipped her face to the side so that he kissed in over her cheek. “Thank you.”

“What was that?” Joel stammered, feeling a lump developing in his throat after being denied the kiss. Giving him an awkward expression, she motioned Joel to follow her back to skating again, but he refused to move from where they were at the edge of the rink. “Hey?”

“Tommy or Peter could see,” she whispered looking back in search of their family. At this point? They really hadn’t put a label or made things official with what they were doing with Negan. Publicly, they were hiding things still. So she didn’t even understand why Joel went for the kiss in the first place. This morning they had avoided walking down together after they had done what they had in the shower. “If Peter saw, he could get the wrong idea about things. We don’t want that.”

“The wrong idea about things?” Joel repeated with an ache growing at the center of his chest. Letting out an uncomfortable sound, Joel shook his head and bit down on his bottom lip. “I would think that Peter would be okay with his parents getting along again. After last night and this morning…”

“Joel,” she hushed him, placing her finger in over Joel’s lips to silence him from talking any further about this. Urging him to follow her, they got off the ice and went over to sit down on a bench changing out of their skates. It left them close enough to still keep a watch on Peter and the other two. Sliding in closer to her, Joel looked over at her and was searching for some kind of answer. “If Peter saw us kissing, he might think we’re getting back together.”

“I…” Joel stammered, his eyebrows tensing thinking about the words that just left her lips. “I’m confused. I thought after last night that there was that chance that maybe the two of us…that maybe things were okay and we might think of restarting our relationship again.”

“Well, we can talk to Negan about things with the three of us, but…” she started to ramble provoking him to shake his head firmly after she mentioned Negan.

“I’m not talking about Negan,” Joel claimed, his jaw tensing up at the idea of him being mentioned again. “You came to me this morning worried that I might look at you different. You didn’t stay with Negan, you came to me. There is something between the two of us that can’t be broken. You know that just as much as I do. So what if we show affection toward each other in public? I think the children should get used to it.”

“Yeah, but Joel,” she began, her face twisting with sadness. Outstretching her hand, she placed it in over his and gave it a small squeeze. “I’m with Negan.”

“Yeah, but last night…” Joel shook his head considering what happened between the three of them. “You were really happy. And with us…I thought you were feeling what I was. I thought you might feel the same way I did and maybe the two of us could try again at something.”

“Last night was incredible Joel and I am happy. I love spending time with you and…I do love you,” she swore seemingly conflicted with what she was saying. “But I was never planning on leaving Negan for you. I thought you understood that. Negan was allowing you to be part of something, but that’s it. If anything, it was him allowing you to be part of our relationship. Not having him hand me over to you.”

“It kind of feels like you’re saying what happened last night between us was nothing,” Joel stressed, tugging his hand back and away from Y/N who seemed worried with his response to things. “It didn’t feel like nothing.”

“It wasn’t nothing,” she shook her head, stretching her hand out to caress in over the side of Joel’s face. Earlier it seemed like he understood things, but now he was getting extremely emotional about everything they were talking about. “It was special. And I enjoyed it very much. But I am officially dating Negan. Negan is my boyfriend and I told him that I wanted to make this work between us. I told you the same thing. You knew that going into last night.”

“But how you’ve been acting…” Joel reasoned with her, his head shaking in disbelief. Between the two of them both this morning and last night things felt so much more passionate between them. Like they were bonding again with each other and there was that potential for something more. “We’re happy again. I feel like Negan is the third wheel here. Eventually it’s just going to be us again and…”

“Joel, that’s not what’s happening here,” she stressed, sadness flooding her eyes that Joel was going to this. Now she was starting to realize how much that threesome they had may have been a bad idea. Especially since these were the feelings that Joel was drawing up from it. “If anything, I think Negan would be comfortable with the three of us having something together, but…”

“I would ultimately be the third wheel,” Joel finished for her having her searching for words to say. That idea just pissed him off. He was the one that had been with her for almost two decades. Negan may have been there for her first, but he only just came back and had been there a few weeks. “You weren’t acting like I was a third wheel.”

“You’re not. I love you both,” she assured him having a hard time looking at him with the way his face was mixed with both sadness and what appeared to be anger. “Would you even be comfortable with people knowing that you were in a three-way relationship with us?”

“You act like it’s going to last longer than when he has to go back for spring training,” Joel brought back what he had said to her previously which had her frowning. “You’re putting him in the front runner position when he’s just going to leave you when work calls. Right now you’re just a distraction for him when he’s off of work and at home. I was with you first. I know you better than anyone. It should be us that’s…”

“Mom!” Elizabeth called out walking side by side with Negan cutting Joel’s words off. Right now, Joel was fired up and he wanted to keep talking about what they were, but he knew that opportunity was now gone with their daughter approaching. “That was so cool. Because of Negan being who he is, we were able to sit at the table they did with the movie! They gave us free drinks, showed us around. My friends are going to be so jealous.”

“Don’t tell, but she didn’t really like the hot chocolates,” Negan muttered, nudging Elizabeth with his arm when Y/N stood up from the bench leaving Joel to himself. Moving in beside her mother, Elizabeth pulled out her phone to show her photos. Once she was done, Negan waved Y/N forward to look at the camera that was hers that he was holding for her. “I’m not the best at photography, but I got some photos of your daughter there and some other places on the walk back.”

“Adorable,” Y/N winked, giving her daughter a one-armed hug. A moment later Elizabeth was sliding in beside Joel to show him. Even though there was misery in his eyes, Joel put on a fake smile and listened to what she had to say. Right now Y/N didn’t know whether or not to tell Negan what was going on, but since Elizabeth was with them, she opted not to.

Getting her camera back from Negan, she took some photos around the park and of their family. All the while feeling very guilty about everything that was happening. Last night, she didn’t think Joel would really take things the way that he did. The idea of them being a trio was something that she was completely okay with, but Joel seemed to have it in his head that she was going to leave Negan for him and the two of them would be together. If she would have known that’s how things would have gone, she wasn’t sure she would have allowed last night to happen.

The happiness that Joel had previously during the day had turned to a quiet, shut down version of himself. Even the children had asked him multiple times if he was okay because they picked up on the change. Maybe she handled that all wrong and it was the only thing that she could keep thinking about for the rest of the time that they were together at the park.

On the way home, Elizabeth had wanted to see the lights that they walked by the night before. Joel had suggested that he wanted to go home and when she thought she would go back with him so they could talk, he quickly changed his mind to stick around. He didn’t want to talk to her. Which meant this was bad and she knew it.

Once home, everyone was tired. Sluggishly each one of them walked back into the apartment, ready for bed, but then Negan alerted them that he was going to take the adults downstairs to a bar that he wanted to show them. Elizabeth and Peter were okay with it. They were just going to sit in front of the gigantic television in the living room to watch some movies for a while.

Instead of just heading down there, they all chose to clean up some and gather back at the elevator in the apartment. Leading them toward the bar, Negan seemed excited, yet Joel lagged in the back keeping his head down with his hands pushed into his pockets.

“You know what this is right?” Negan muttered loudly as they walked into the bar together, stopping when they were surrounded by a large crowd of people that were waiting. “This bar is famous for finding some of the biggest artists to this day. Some of the top singers came from here. Started here. Big wigs are always hanging around the place.”

Joel didn’t react. Just stood there. When the owner of the bar came around to take Negan to a special table that they had prepared for him, Joel rolled his eyes. Negan left out the part where he called ahead and planned this days ago. They were given one of the nicest tables away from the crowd. The owner even brought them an expensive bottle of alcohol for free. Joel turned it down in order to get a cheap beer for himself that he insisted that he paid for.

“Can we talk?” Y/N whispered under her breath. She was seated between Negan and Joel at the booth they were at. Ever since the park she felt bad about everything that had went down. “I feel like I didn’t say things right at the park. I don’t want you feeling this bad about everything. You were right, things were good between us and I think I said things wrong that just…”

“We already talked. I understand, you don’t have to try to make me feel better,” Joel grunted under his breath, finishing off his beer and then waving down one of the waitresses that were eager to dote on their table since Negan was a celebrity for them. Pretty quickly Joel was three beers in and Y/N wished he would tone it down.

“I’ll be right back,” Negan tapped his hand on the table from where he was sitting at the end of the booth. Sliding out, he gave Y/N’s shoulder a quick squeeze and leaned over to press a kiss against her cheek. “Don’t run away.”

With a final wink Negan back stepped and headed somewhere in the bar leaving her alone with Joel, Tommy and Maria.

“This is pretty cool, right?” Tommy broke the ice, trying to get his brother to talk about what was going on. “We dreamt of coming to places like this when we were kids. Remember? You always thought you would bring your guitar, sing and then someone would notice you. I’m pretty sure this is the actual bar you talked about all the time. And now you’re actually here.”

“Yeah,” Joel stammered, his head nodding about when he dragged his fingers over the bottle that he was holding. “The only thing is? If we would have tried coming here when we were younger we would have gotten kicked out. We were poor little Latino boys that would have never gotten through that door. Nor would I have ever been given a chance.”

“You never know,” Maria suggested after the silence surrounded them at the table. Joel’s negativity made things uncomfortable, but Maria was trying to keep things positive. “I’m sure you would have swept people off your feet with your southern charm and your boyishly cute looks.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Joel scoffed, his eyebrows bouncing up when he took another big gulp of the beer that he had grabbed himself. An act had just gotten off the stage so it was just the sound of loud talking at this point. “Why did Negan even bring us here? I don’t give a shit about music anymore and I really think we should just sleep if we want to go another day tomorrow.”

“Does this thing work?” a horrible ringing sound came from the microphone up on stage after the owner started tapping on it. Everyone in the bar cringed with the sound that echoed throughout the place. “Now that I’ve ran everyone off with that, I thought I would introduce a guest of mine. He’s not the most popular in New York City, especially during the baseball season, but he’s one of the funniest guys I know. Please don’t boo him too hard. Or maybe do. It might knock him off his game when he comes back to New York for his final year of playing. Please welcome my friend, Negan Smith.”

A loud groaning sound was heard from Joel with him dropping his head and shaking it in disbelief drawing the tables attention. There was a round of applause from mostly women, but the boos did come from the men. Truthfully? Y/N was surprised that Joel didn’t enjoy that bit. The New Yorkers took their baseball teams seriously. Especially since Negan was on the team that they hated the most.

Noticing Negan stepping up onto the stage, Y/N got curious when she saw that there was an acoustic guitar in his hand. Getting before the microphone, Negan waved his hand a bit more, antagonizing the boos and urging on the cheers that he got from those that did know him.

“I know, I know. There is a whole hell of a lot of you that don’t like me. And I’m okay with that. I welcome that,” Negan hushed the crowd getting hackled by a few of those that weren’t a fan of him. It had Negan smiling and it seemed to entertain him that people disliked him. “It’s just gonna fuel me to do better when you see me here next.”

“Of course he’s gonna fucking sing,” Joel slurred under his breath with a firm shake of his head. “He’s gonna get himself killed and stabbed by the end of the night. I told him that New Yorkers weren’t okay with him walking around like it’s no big fucking deal.”

“Joel,” Y/N tried to keep Joel quiet but instead Joel just rolled his eyes and looked to the stage with a disgusted expression.

“See, I’m not here for me,” Negan declared, changing the position of the guitar in his hands to strum at the strings. “I can play the guitar, but my singing voice? It’s shit. Unlike my baseball skills…”

There was another round of boos that had Negan snorting and he shrugged his shoulders, “Don’t worry. I’m not about to bore you with any comedian shit here. I just came here because I have a friend. One of my oldest friends actually who had a dream of coming to this very place when we were kids. Talked about it all the time. Today is the first time he’s ever been here. He should have been here years ago, but you see my friend, he’s a hell of a guy. Life didn’t go the way he planned and he had to give up his dreams to take care of his little brother. More than anything, this guy wanted to be a singer so I came here today hoping you guys would let him sing for you.”

“The fuck,” Joel dropped the beer bottle, jumping when some of it spilled out on the table and it started to pour out toward him. Quickly, Y/N helped him clean it up when he looked to her with a panicked expression. “Did you know about this?”

“No, I didn’t,” she swore with Joel’s face going completely pale.

“Now this man hasn’t played in public in a very long time so he’s a little bit shy. Hell, he didn’t even know that I was doing this today so I’m kinda putting his ass on the spot,” Negan spun the guitar in his hands looking out into the crowd.

“Asshole,” a person shouted having Negan snicker and nod his head.

“You’re not wrong,” Negan shrugged his shoulders, accepting the diss that was thrown his way. “I’m sure he’s not too happy with me right now either, but I think everyone should be given a chance to live their dreams once.”

“If he’s your friend, he must suck,” another man yelled out from the crowd causing Joel to sink down in the booth hoping to just disappear from the moment that was happening right now.

“You suck,” Tommy called out back getting a round of laughs from his response. Patting Joel on the shoulder, Tommy realized that it looked like his brother was trying to disappear under the table. “The hell are you doing?”

“I’m just wasting time at this point. If you could do me the honor of accepting my dear friend Joel Miller up here to sing for you tonight, it’d be really fucking nice of you,” Negan held out the guitar in the direction of the booth that he had left his friends at. “Be nice to him, okay? Because if you’re not, just remember I’m really fucking good with a bat.”

There were laughs from the crowd at the serious expression that Negan gave them that was followed by a big cheesy smile afterwards, “So come on up here Joel.”

A bright spotlight was suddenly put on the table having Joel’s brown eyes get big. Shaking his head immediately caused the crowd to laugh at his response and it had color flooding into Joel’s face, “I’m good. No thank you!”

“Like I said, he’s a little nervous so please amp him up a little bit here,” Negan asserted, having the crowd clapping for him, but Joel shook his head again.

“Come on big brother. This is what you always wanted,” Tommy pat Joel on the shoulder with Joel continuing to refuse to go up there. “You can do this.”

“I can’t. I haven’t sang in front of a crowd since I was a teenager,” Joel stressed to Tommy what he knew to be the truth. An overwhelming sense of panic flooded through him and he didn’t know how to get out of here fast enough.

“Hey, you can do this,” Y/N promised, grabbing a tight hold of his shoulder. Shaking his head, Joel tried to get her to move so he could run away but she grabbed a firm hold of his upper arms. “Just think about it. When the children hear tonight what you did, they are going to be so proud of you. I’ll be proud of you. Do it for them. Do it for me. Do it for the child in you that still yearns for this life. Live it once.”

That last bit crushed him. Swallowing down hard, he spoke quiet enough for only the table to hear, “What if I suck?”

“Then at least we will be here to support you,” Tommy blurt out, shoving into Joel’s back to try to push him out of the booth.

Getting up from the table, Y/N let Joel out who stood there looking like he was going to die being put on the spot. A few catcalls had him looking around the crowd and Joel rubbed at his lips with the back of his hand. Going to turn away toward the door to run, Joel ran straight into a large mass that was behind him. Looking up, Joel realized it was the security that had been put on the table to protect them during the night and he huffed.

“Yeah, lead him up here if you could,” Negan waved his fingers with the security helping Joel through the crowd up toward the stage. “Just so he doesn’t get lost.”

At the steps to the stage, the security pushed him forward having Joel stumble on the first step which embarrassed him immediately. There was no escaping this. Not now. Moving up the steps, Joel stopped before Negan and looked to the guitar that Negan was holding out for him.

“You’re gonna need this,” Negan held out the guitar placing it into his hands. Accepting it, Joel felt like the world was spinning around him. Up on the stage, he couldn’t really see much out into the crowd. It was a hot light that was pointed directly on him almost blinding him. Raising his hand, he tried to block it to stare out at everyone there. His eyes fell to the table where his brother and Y/N were. “Good luck buddy.”

Patting Joel on the back, Negan gave a bow and then dramatically pointed to Joel who just stood on the stage feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety. After everything, Joel gave up that hope of having a career in music. He stopped playing in front of people and he shut himself off from the world. He didn’t like being the center of attention. Not like Negan did.

Then again? This was the life he yearned for. The one he regretted never getting.

“You can’t play it by staring at it with your eyes,” someone heckled him from the crowd and it had Negan stopping before he got back to the table.

“Give him a break!” Negan demanded causing Joel to roll his eyes putting the guitar strap over his shoulder. Sitting down at the seat they had dragged up to the microphone, Joel sat down and shook his head.

“Yeah, please give me a break. Some asshole just pulled me up on stage without warning after I’ve downed about three drinks,” Joel was nervous so his words were shaken and his southern drawl was much deeper than normal. Those that didn’t like Negan clapped and others laughed at his comment. “So I’m drunk, unpracticed and frankly scared out of my fucking mind.”

“But you’re hot!” someone called out from the crowd cracking a smile over Joel’s lips with him shaking his head.

Adjusting what needed to be changed on the guitar, Joel strummed a few chords and heard himself fumbling. A few people booed and he knew that he deserved that. He had no charisma. No charm like Negan. He was only up here because Negan got him up here. Not because he deserved it. It was horrifying. It was nothing like he thought it would be. He was a mess.

“I’m sorry,” Joel went to get up when he messed up again, but the sound of something tapping on the stage was heard having him lift his head to see that Y/N had gotten up. She was right before the stage, her eyes staring up at him with hope and awe.

“You have this. I’m right here,” she encouraged him having Joel swallow down the lump that had been building in his throat. He was sweating. Bad. And he was so uncomfortable. But for her? He sat down.

The last time he played was for her. That’s when she turned him down. That stuck with him. For that night, Joel had practiced many songs. Ones that he thought would be good for her, but he had settled on the one that he did. So he started with one of those songs.

“I’m gonna go with some older songs. Something people know because I didn’t have time to plan one of my own songs,” Joel explained to them, finding his strength in the fact the only thing he could see right now was Y/N standing at the front of the stage for him.

It took a minute for him to gain the courage as he started playing a familiar tune in acoustic that he had practiced many times in the past, “And I’d give up forever to touch you. ‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow. You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be and I don’t wanna go home right now.”

It wasn’t his best. He knew that, but he was doing his hardest to keep it together right now. Lifting his head, his eyes locked on Y/N realizing that she was his steady. The thing that grounded him, so he made sure that while he played, he continuously looked to her for his comfort.

“All I can taste is this moment. And all I can breathe is your life. And sooner or later, it’s over. I just don’t wanna miss you tonight,” Joel continued to sing feeling a sense of lightheadedness but he was trying to play through his fears. “And I don’t want the world to see me. ‘Cause I don’t think they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken. I just want you to know who I am.”

In her eyes, Joel saw an array of emotions. Sadness. Joy. If anything, she looked proud of him.

“And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming. Or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know, you're alive,” Joel continued to sing hearing the awe from some of the women in the crowd from what he was singing. He likely didn’t look like a love song kind of guy, but considering these were the last songs that he practiced, this is what they were getting.

After finishing Iris, Joel went to Make You Feel My Love. And with each song, Joel took notice of the burning over of tears in Y/N’s eyes. It only fueled him to keep him singing. Maybe to show her what she was missing. What he was capable of. Yet, when he saw the single tear sliding down the side of her face, Joel found himself locked on her. Not knowing how many songs he should play.

Next he went with Unchained Melody, then Can’t Help Falling In Love before finishing off with the song that he had sang to Y/N that night. The one he had actually chosen that he thought would be the perfect song for her.

These were all songs that he had wanted to dedicate to her the night that he had brought her to the school. By this point, the women really seemed to be the people drawn to his southern drawl with him singing and since they were all romantic songs, it was natural for them to be excited for him to sing.

Rounding up the final song, Joel locked his eyes completely on Y/N hoping that this was doing to her what he wanted it to, “I believe and I believe ‘cause I can see. Our future days. Days of you and me. You and me. Days of you and me.”

Finishing up, Joel lowered his head and heard clapping from the audience, it was a bit of a mixed reaction and he was okay with it, “Well I think that’s enough from me tonight before the men boo me off the stage. Thanks for letting me sing here because lord fucking knows I probably won’t do it again.”

Joel stood up from the chair to clapping and he was surprised to hear it. This moment? This right here? It was his dream come true from when he was a sixteen-year-old boy longing for this moment. Taking a moment to appreciate it, he sighed and then moved down the steps. Once he reached the bottom step, Y/N eagerly wrapped her arms around him to hug him and with his free arm he loosely hooked it around her waist.

“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered, pressing a loving kiss against Joel’s cheek. It had him closing his eyes and cherishing the moment. Leaning back, Joel realized that she was crying because of being happy along with be proud of him. “You were amazing.”

“I…” Joel thought about how much he loved her. How all of those songs were dedicated to her. He wanted to tell her that she was think that kept him on that stage. How she was his comfort. The one thing that kept him from losing it. But he knew it would mean nothing. Especially now that Negan was in her life. “Thank you.”

Giving her a wink, Joel handed her the guitar before walking away. Heading toward the door, Joel walked outside. In contrast to how he was feeling, it was nice and cold. His body was on fire and he was trying to gain back the feeling in his limbs. What he knew to be true was that he fought his way through a few panic attacks up there on stage. So his body was feeling the effects from the adrenaline rushes.

“That was amazing,” a voice called out to him and he looked back over his shoulder to see a woman approaching him. What she was wearing looked like she would be freezing because she was in a very small, tight dress that brought attention to her body. “That was your first time being on stage?”

“In almost twenty years?” Joel suggested with a scoff eyeing over the younger woman moving in beside him. Pulling something out of her purse, she revealed a pack of cigarettes. Taking one for herself, she thought for a moment and held the pack out to him. Accepting one, Joel cleared his throat and looked her over. It had been a long time since he had smoked. It used to be his way to alleviate the stresses of his life, but he had to stop when it got to be an expensive habit. “I know it was obvious that I’m not used to being in front of people. You’re just being nice.”

“You did better than half of the people they bring around here,” the bright green eyes of the woman beside him stared out at him. Getting her cigarette lit, she helped Joel light his. Once he took the first puff, it had him coughing and she laughed. Joel’s face grew red and he tried to bury his head into his arm when he continued to cough. “You don’t smoke, do you?”

“I did,” Joel confessed, embarrassed that he coughed like that. “I had to stop because…” shaking his head, Joel cleared his throat again and shrugged. “It was too expensive and it was between these or the house bills. So I had to give them up.”

“Sounds right,” she winked at Joel, leaning back against the building. Taking another puff of the cigarette, Joel held it in and remembered all over again what it was like to be addicted to these things when he was younger. It was a stress reliever for him even though he knew it wasn’t healthy. “You married?”

“No,” Joel was honest, looking her over. Really? He should have just told her to mind her own business. Have his own space to think things out, but he was honestly enjoying the attention. “Are you old enough to be married?”

“That’s funny,” the stranger pointed back toward the bar. “You have to be twenty-one to get into there. But I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Right,” Joel muttered, extending his free hand out to shake herd. Still, Joel knew that she was significantly younger than him. “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“Maggie. Maggie Greene,” she introduced herself, her eyes narrowing with the way that Joel was staring down at her. “Do you live in New York? You’re good looking.”

“Visiting and…thank you?” Joel snickered not sure how to respond to that. It had been a long time since he had someone flirting with him. She was quick with her questions and he felt like she was sizing him up. “You’re cute too.”

“Do you want a blow job?” she offered having Joel coughing immediately, choking on the smoke that came from the cigarette. It made her laugh at his response and she shrugged her shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay if you don’t want one. It was just an offer.”

“I uh…” Joel didn’t know how to respond. On the one hand, she was cute. Very cute, but there was no doubt that she was much younger than him. And that was very forward for a stranger who didn’t know a thing about him. He wondered if this was what it would have been like to be that young and flirting with people. Since he got married young and it was too his high school sweetheart, he never got to experience life like that. Anyone that he hooked up with in the past was someone he knew for at least a little while. And some of the one-night stands were with people who at least had a full conversation with him. “Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

“Yes or no would be a good answer,” she suggested with a wrinkle of her nose, stepping in closer to Joel allowing him the chance to look down her dress that she was hoping would draw his attention. There was also a bit of a southern drawl to her voice as well. “Where are you from?”

“Texas,” Joel answered, licking his lips knowing that it was inappropriate for him to be gawking, but he still found himself doing it.

“Georgia,” she pointed at her chest having Joel nod once. “New Yorkers don’t do it like southern men. And any southerner up here, doesn’t look like you. I would happily take you into the alley and suck your cock. Let you fuck me…”

“Goddamn. You’re forward,” Joel was surprised by the way she was throwing herself at him. While he was amused and slightly attracted to this woman, it wasn’t the most comforting thought. He wondered how many men she had done this with before previously. Which made him feel immediately old. The younger version of him would have probably loved this, but now that he was older he was considering just how healthy she might be. And how it might be dangerous to do something like that.

“Do you hate it?” Maggie wondered having Joel tip his head from side to side.

“No,” Joel thought aloud, his face flushing over with heat again. Even though he highly doubted that he would do something with her, it felt nice to have someone that looked like her wanting to hook up with him. “It’s flattering.”

“I aim to please,” she fluttered her long eyelashes at him and it had Joel in deep debate. There was the logical side of him that knew it was stupid. But then there was also the emotional side that didn’t think a blowjob would really be that bad. But, then again, he was in a depressed state after everything that happened today. “The offer is still on the table.”

“There you are!” a boisterous voice had Joel breaking his eyes away from Maggie to lift his head up to see Negan approaching him. As soon as Maggie saw Negan, her body seemed to tense up and she stood up straighter beside Joel. Cussing under his breath, Joel knew that Maggie was in awe of seeing Negan up close. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you buddy! You did fucking amazing. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m talking to someone,” Joel pointed in the direction of Maggie who gave Negan a nod when he looked to her.

“Hey,” Negan winked with a friendly smile and then gave Joel his full attention again. By Negan’s reaction to her, it was obvious that Negan had zero interest in being near the woman. Hooking his arm around Joel’s shoulders, Negan turned just enough so that Maggie was pushed out of their interaction. With the expression over Maggie’s face, Joel knew that she had taken the hint that Negan didn’t want her there. By the look in her eyes, Joel knew that she was offended. “And now you’re talking to me.”

“It was nice meeting you,” Maggie stammered with a half wave, dropping her cigarette and stepping it out. Watching her walk away drew Joel to grunt and he walked over toward the alley having Negan following him.

“That wasn’t very nice,” Joel pointed in the direction that Maggie had walked off. Negan’s thick eyebrows bounced and he laughed. “She was just trying to be nice.”

“She was a gutter slut,” Negan blurt out, getting a glare from Joel who was surprised to hear that. “You think this is my first rodeo with people like her? Girls like that try to hook up with up-and-coming stars. Either to brag or hold some kind of thing over that person’s head when they get famous. Whether it’s at a place like this or at baseball games. They used to always try to follow us to our hotels. Get some kind of fame by fucking people. They are so entirely easy to read.”

“And that’s why she came over to me?” Joel confirmed with Negan who dramatically nodded. “I’m a no one.”

“You’re hot, you’re talented, you’re my friend and you were the best act of the night,” Negan listed off, using his fingers to show that Joel had many reasons for that girl to come out and flirt with him. “She wasn’t worth your time Joel.”

Debating that, Joel knew deep down that Negan was right, but he still was annoyed that Negan chased her off like he did.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Negan commented, his head tipping to the side when he saw that Joel took a long puff of it. Handing it to Negan, Negan accepted it and did the same before handing it back to Joel.

“I quit when Ellie was three,” Joel informed Negan with a hiss, tossing what was left of it across from him. Resting back against the wall, Joel tipped his head back and felt a rush flooding throughout his veins. “You had no right to do what you did tonight. You realize that, right?”

“Come again?” Negan snorted, hissing when he released the smoke from his lungs looking at Joel with surprise behind his hazel eyes. “I did this for you. I planned it once you told me that you were coming along. I knew that the apartment was by this place and I remember you talking about it all the time when we were young.”

“Oh fuck off Negan,” Joel snarled rolling his eyes with the way that Negan was talking. “Do you get off to the idea of torturing me? You are the most manipulative piece of shit I’ve ever known.”

“Did I miss something?” Negan wondered, pointing between the two of them, looking to make sure that they were alone. Because right now he was confused as to what was happening. “What’s going on here Joel?”

“What’s with this whole I’m going to be incredibly nice to Joel thing? You know I’m the last person you should be nice to,” Joel scoffed, his dark eyes narrowing with the way that Negan’s shoulders slumped forward. And there it was. Bringing up the past again after everything seemed to be going right. “After what I did to you, this is all too fucking much.”

“I got over it,” Negan breathed out, pushing his hands into his pockets with the chill that was surrounding them. “Life happened Joel. I was mad for a while, but I’m an adult. It’s been a long time. I don’t care about what happened in the past.”

“You’re so full of shit. I think you’re enjoying this,” Joel claimed with a firm nod of his head. All he could think about was his interaction with Y/N when they were ice skating. There had been a large amount of anger that was building up since then. “You’re throwing in my face how much better you are than me. With my children. With my wife. With everything. You’re perfect. Everyone loves you. I think you want to torture me.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m torturing you,” Negan almost mocked Joel, bobbing his head back and forth with Joel’s stare growing angrier. “I just got you up on that stage. I let you live one of your biggest dreams growing up. I bargained with the owner to get you up there because…”

“I wanted to do it on my own. Not because someone helped me, but because I deserved to be up there. Because I was talented,” Joel corrected Negan, his jaw flexing in anger the more he spoke. “Instead I was handed it. When I didn’t deserve it at all.”

“What makes you think you don’t deserve it?” Negan wondered, trying to understand where all of this was coming from. “You gave up your life for your little brother. You could have been where I am right now if you weren’t selfless and…”

“But I’m not there Negan. You’re the only one of the three of us that got away. You’re the only one that got to live your fucking dream. And you are so happy to throw it in our faces all the fucking time that you’re famous and you have money,” Joel bickered back, throwing his hands up in the air while he spoke. “My family begged me to take them to New York. But I couldn’t do it. In comes Negan on his white horse bringing them in the first few weeks of meeting them. You are infuriating.”

“Listen, okay? You’re just amped up. The adrenaline is flowing through your veins, but what you just did was incredible,” Negan stepped forward in attempts to support his friend, caressing over his shoulders supportively. “Mixed with alcohol, sometimes we think a little differently. And I understand that. Soon, the endorphins are gonna kick in and you’ll see this is actually…”

“Fuck off Negan,” Joel firmly shoved into Negan’s chest having him stumble over his feet backwards tripping over some of the garbage cans that were out. Hitting the ground hard, Negan groaned out and Joel shook his head. “Just because you sucked my dick this morning doesn’t mean we’re okay. It doesn’t mean I trust you and it doesn’t make us best buds again.”

“Is that what this is about?” Negan hissed out, pushing himself up on his hands. “You beg me to suck your dick and suddenly you are freaking the fuck out?”

“Shut up,” Joel warned Negan who shakily pushed himself up to his feet. “I didn’t beg you to do shit. You wanted to do that. You play mind games with people. It’s what you do. You’re a fucking asshole. You know it. I know it. It’s been your talent since we were younger. You always knew how to get what you wanted. You really are the most manipulative piece of shit I’ve ever known.”

“You’re freaking out because you’re attracted to me,” Negan suggested with a scoff shaking his head. “I know you’re all I’m from Texas. I’m an alpha male. I can’t like fucking guys because I’m straight as can be. I’m a fucking cowboy. But guess what Joel? It’s okay to like dick sometimes. Yeah, I sucked your dick. And you came so fucking hard down my throat that you let the whole apartment know just how good it felt. If that embarrasses…”

Wincing out, Negan felt Joel grabbing him by his shirt to spin him and slam him hard against the wall, “Why are you so fucking miserable? I went out of my way to help you tonight. I’ve done nothing but be nice to you. The fuck else can I do?”

“You just think that you can butter me up in order to steal my family. In order to steal my girl,” Joel pronounced each word with venom, his heart hammering in his chest uncontrollably.

“I would never steal your family. They love you. You’re their father and they will always love you,” Negan declared with a shake of his head only to have Joel push him further against the wall. “As far as stealing your girl? I wouldn’t call it that since she wasn’t yours anymore.”

Shoving him hard with his left hand, Joel raised his right fist to attack Negan, but Negan didn’t budge, “You wanna hit me Joel? Fucking hit me. But I don’t have any ulterior motives with you. Maybe I just want to be fucking nice.”

“When has being nice ever gotten you what you wanted?” Joel scoffed at Negan, his eyes narrowing with Joel shrugging his shoulders. “You’re a piece of shit. We both know it.”

“Of course I am,” Negan finally snapped at Joel, the lines in his forehead growing. How loud Negan was actually surprised Joel. It had Joel’s brown eyes growing big, his breathing becoming more broken. “I know what a piece of shit I am. I’m fucking scum. The worst kind of scum and I realize I don’t deserve the shit that’s in my life. I never deserved this. You know what my father did to me growing up and he was right about me the whole time. You know it. I know it.”

“Your father abused you,” Joel lowered his fist hearing Negan’s breathing uneven. Negan’s eyes were tearing over with the emotions that he was visibly feeling from their discussion. “Why you would believe a word that came out of that man’s mouth…”

“But he wasn’t wrong,” Negan stammered with a firm shake of his head. “I was everything he said I was. Useless. Pathetic. Incapable of being anything other than a fucking failure.”

“You have everything,” Joel responded with a wrinkle of his nose, releasing Negan. Hearing Negan call himself a failure when so many people looked up to him in this world was crazy to Joel. “How are you a failure?”

“I lost the one thing in my life that fucking mattered,” Negan confessed, a shuddering breath falling from his lips when he thought about his past. “Everything I touched turned to gold once I left. Except my marriage. The one person who stuck with me throughout everything. We tried to have children. We couldn’t. I was an asshole. The biggest piece of shit out there. But I loved Lucille. And she loved me. And what did I get? I lost her. I lost my wife Joel. Does that really sound like having everything?”

Silence. That’s all that followed because Joel couldn’t exactly have a comeback with that one.

“You had everything I wanted,” Negan stressed with a broken sound. “A family. Children. The perfect wife. And you let her go. In my eyes, your life was perfect. In your eyes, my life was perfect. When in reality? We were both so fucking stupid.”

Curling his fists up into balls, Joel didn’t know how to respond to all of this especially since a part of him wanted to beat the hell out of Negan, “I’m not doing everything I am because I want to rub my life in your face. I’m not doing it to hurt you.”

“Then why are you doing it?” Joel questioned, his chest rising and falling heavily.

“Because for once in my fucking life, I want to do something good. I want to use my power to make people happy,” Negan reasoned with Joel, tossing his hands up in the air in an emotional moment. “When Lucille died, she begged me to promise her that I would live life for her. And I did.”

Negan’s bottom lip trembled when he thought about his late wife, “I’m sick of being a selfish bastard. This money? It means nothing to me. So if I can use it to help people. To bring joy to someone’s life, why shouldn’t I do it?

A rush of guilt flooded through Joel’s veins. In that moment? He believed what Negan was saying and it made him feel bad.

“But why me?” Joel couldn’t understand why he was even an option here.

“Is it so hard to believe that I fucking like you? That I missed you,” Negan wondered, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. “The two of us were best friends and we were separated from a fucked up situation. But the only people to truly even know me were Lucille, Tommy, Y/N and you. You were the only people that cared when no one else did. I’m doing this because I want to do this for you. I want you to be fucking happy Joel. I want you to have the things you long for. Because I care about you.”

Silence fell over them. Both of their breathing was labored when Joel stepped back and away from Negan. Looking down toward the ground, the lines in Joel’s forehead grew deeper. Stepping forward, Joel reached for Negan’s shirt again, balling up the material to pull Negan close. Instead this time, Joel pressed in close to Negan. Resting his forehead against Negan’s, Joel’s eyes came to a tight close. The warmth of Negan’s breath was over his lips. Faintly his lips brushed at Negan’s and he didn’t know what he was doing. This was all so confusing for him.

With a shuddering breath, Joel stumbled back when he heard the sound of footsteps rounding the corner and he tried to move away from Negan.

“I’ve been looking for you two everywhere,” Tommy’s voice drew their attention making both Joel and Negan look to him. Even though something was just happening between the two of them, it didn’t seem like Tommy picked up on it. “I bought drinks for everyone to celebrate. We’ve been looking for you guys. I didn’t expect to find you out here.”

“He just needed some air,” Negan lied, stepping around Joel in order to head back toward the bar. “I’ll be inside.”

“You okay?” Tommy inquired once Negan was gone leaving Joel alone with his little brother. “You should be on cloud-nine right now because that was awesome. Beter than I could have ever pictured it going. You had everyone eating out of the palm of your hand. It’s what you always wanted.”

Tommy was right. That was what he always wanted. And it was hard for him to truly see that, but after everything. Joel didn’t know how to feel.

----

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