#Unfortunately the third much worse option of actually hurting them has now been realized and yes this is 100% my fault

[cartoonghosts]

instead of convincing myself everyone is mad at me and my existence hurts all the people I love (untrue, easily dispelled by reassurance, etc) i have made everyone mad at me and hurt all the people I love! I need to not be like this I think

[raz-b-rose]

Donsy Week 2020: Day 2: Family

This one took a slightly different direction than previously planned, and I think I’ll try to continue it another time. 

Words: 1507

@donsyweek

“Dewey sit down, Louie stop touching everything,” Donald sighed, gently pulling the toddlers away from the edge of the cart, sleep deprivation causing him to blink slowly and for far too long. He looks for the oldest, to feel annoyance building when he spots him. 

“Huey if you pick up that candy one more time-” He cuts the treat off, not quite sure how to punish the sugar crazed toddler. He was the less mischievous one, but his brothers didn’t have to do much convincing for causing trouble. Huey dragged himself back to the cart, Donald placing him back with his brothers. 

He finally stops, resting his head in his hands. The cart was barely full and they had already been here an hour. Maybe he should get a babysitter to go shopping? No, that money was needed for work days. There had to be some trick to doing this, three ducklings was not a rare occurrence after all, just not the average. 

“Donald?” 

His head snaps up, locking eyes with someone he hadn’t seen in far too long. He flushes a little when the butterflies resurface, even after all these years. She smiled softly, hair pulled back, a workout band settled on her forehead. A quick glance affirms that she must have just come from a workout, a far cry from himself. 

He flushed even further when he mentally took in his own appearance. Milk and food stains on every inch of his clothing, heavy bags under his eyes, and he’s pretty sure he has food stuck to his head feathers too. 

“Daisy, wow it’s been awhile”

“I’ll say, I didn’t know you had kids,” She stepped to the side of the aisle with him, smiling apologetically to the other patrons. 

“Oh uh,” His stomach lost altitude, falling fast, crashing at his feet. Her brows crease, clearly confused by his reaction. “They’re Della’s”

“Oh!” He smiles softly, as she turned pink, and everything about her seemed to relax, “That’s good to hear, well I mean, oh” 

“It’s ok, I understand,” He laughs, waving off her.

“How is she?” 

Donald should have known the question was coming, but it still struck quite the blow to him. It hadn’t even crossed his mind to inform the girls, Minnie and Daisy, he had been so caught up in the changes to his own life. Well that's not true, Daisy still crossed his mind quite a lot. 

“Well, she..huh..” Donald struggles, looking at the wide innocent eyes of his nephews with a tired grief that has seemed to become such a heavy part of him. A weight he would never be rid of. 

They each voiced questions, hard to decipher from the minimal language skills and that they all melded together. Donald sighed as his exhaustion grew. Taking care of three curious boys definitely took a toll on the body and mind. 

“Oh” Daisy whispers, drawing his attention back to her.

She had never been one to cry when they were younger, always tough as nails. She was the first to start fights and the ones to finish them. Loyalty was a strongly held belief of hers, and she may not always be the most gentle vocally, but you would always know she cared. 

Seeing her cry now, so openly in public of all places, was not only a surprise but so encouraging. No, encouraging wasn’t the right word. He did feel relieved in some twisted way though, that he wasn’t alone in the grief anymore. That she cared for Della enough to cry over her loss.

He really hated himself for feeling that. 

“Sorry I never told you,” He murmurs quietly, awake enough to remember they were in a crowded building with many ears perked for private conversations. But not enough it seems as a few shoppers slowed down their browsing to hover. He glared at each of them, unfortunately they kept their backs to them. 

“Donald, “ Daisy grabs the front of the cart, pulling gently to lead them to a different part of the store. “You not only lost your sister, but became a parent, that's a lot for anyone to handle” 

He smiled, reminded of why he had liked her so much. Her words were kind but her tone held that bite that said, ‘argue with me and die’. 

“You’re not wrong about that, they are quite the handful, “He sighs as he pulls a bag of food from Huey’s grip again. Ignoring his whining to continue to try and get some shopping done. He yawned, slowly down in his walking.

Dewey and Louie started to whine as well, a chorus of I’m bored, are we done yet, and I’m hungry. He answered each one, you can play with your toys at home, not yet but soon, and we will eat after. 

“It sure seems like it,” Daisy chuckled softly. 

Donald doesn’t know when she started helping him, but he welcomed it the same. He could actually inspect his options without having to keep a third eye on the triplets. The rest of the trip went by smoothly, and found it weird how quickly they fell back into that rhythm they had back in school. 

Donald had never admitted he liked his best friend the way he did, and ran away to the Navy when she had gone across the country for college without, he felt, enough of a warning. He had been hurt and upset, even more so when their conversations grew further and further apart until they only wished eachother Happy Birthday’s and Merry Christmas’. Even that he hadn’t done the last two years, the reminders of those days rendered him a further shell of himself. 

“This explains your radio silence,” She said softly, helping him load up the car. He glanced at her as he wrestled Dewey into the car. 

“Yeah,” 

That's all he can say? Yeah? Why was it suddenly so hard to talk to her? 

“Donald listen,” She moved to the other side of the car, Louie far to content to finally be held to let go that soon. He smiled softly as she bargained with him to let go of her shirt, bucking him in quickly and gently. With practiced ease Donald noted, the smile falling from his face.

She stands and sighs, clearly thinking over her words, awkwardness still between them like a thick fence. It felt so impossible to clear away, to return to who they once were. Honestly, it was. Donald was a parent now, and Daisy was doing who knows what. 

They couldn’t go back to being those carefree highschoolers, hanging out at the local arcades and parks, blissfully ignoring the ruckus they took with them everywhere they went. They couldn’t go back to the late movie nights with too much junk food or the spontaneous early morning road trips to the next town. 

They couldn’t go back and Donald wasn’t sure they could ever move forward. 

“Why did you leave?” Donald busies himself with Huey, avoiding Daisy’s searching gaze.

“I was running away” 

That was not the answer he was expecting, and Daisy only smiled sadly at him. 

“You see, I really liked you and didn’t realize it until senior year and it really freaked me out. You were, are?” She starts to ramble, “my best friend. I thought that if I left then we could continue to be friends and things would never change.”

“Things always change, unfortunately,” Donald sighs out, pushing the cart to the return. 

“I was stupid,” She sighed. 

“Me too, I didn’t react the best to you leaving, I said some pretty heartless things.” 

“Yeah well, I started to ignore you,” she winced, “That just feels worse.”

They both laugh softy, sharing a hug. Donald started to cry, his mind and body finally taking that critical hit. 

“Are we still friends Don-man?” He smiled at the nickname.

“Always D-easy, we just have a lot of catching up to do”

“Yeah, a lot has happened” 

“Do you have time to come over?”

Daisy smiled again, Donald relaxing himself, remembering the last time he saw her smile like that. It was just before Senior year, and they had just finished their final summer adventure. The sun was setting as they sat on the manors roof, snacks piled around them trying to drag out the final hours for as long as possible. 

She had looked so relaxed and content. Her eyes were soft and she had said that this next year would be their best one yet. She had been so hopeful and talked about all the different things they would do and all the pranks they would pull, a final year of chaos she had called it. 

“Yeah I do,”

Donald knew that him and his family would be ok now. He didn’t have to do it alone anymore, now that he has his best friend back. The boys were all he had until now, and even though

they didn’t say it, he knew, she was staying around for good this time. 

[thelastyetfabolousmidwestmadman]

Detective Conan Deconstruction/Plot Twists/Subversion's

Howdy!

I've been thinking a lot because I haven't slept or been made sensible enough to see reality through rational means of comprehension.

For a black and white series of tales such as Gosho Aoyama's DCMKverse I can sure think of a multitude of ways to turn it grey. So many dark, bloody possibilities, such a endless plethora of grief, angst, and schadenfreude, of voided bowels and lost innocence, so many terrifying ideas yet so little time...

Anyway, to summarize the contents of all that verbal diarrhea, my mind has created a vast orchestra of sinister ideas that I can't put them all in one or more stories. Some of them I'll use later, some of them I will not. I guess my main inspiration for this stream of consciousness that shouts madly into the abyss of the World Wide Web, is the idea that some intrepid, curious wanderer may come across my inane rantings and be inspired to write their own atrocities.

Or maybe it will the stoke the wondrous imagination of a writer who is more of a sick fuck then I am, (:

There are five areas that can be twisted into something cruel. They contain the following:

Cases

Heists

Romance

Character Flaws

Black Organization

Get it on!

Case’s

Suspect Gets The Last Laugh- Killer is revealed but manages to poison the victim with Ricin or something more subtle allowing the target to die a couple days later. Simple enough.

More Then One Killer- The killer is caught! However a quick look back at the scene reveals he wasn’t alone and he ain’t spilling the beans.

Hannibal Lector Wannabe- A killer decides to fuck with our beloved Teen Detectives by playing a game of manipulation and horror while he threatens their loved ones into continuing.

Escaping Through Statute Of Limitations- When Our Teen Detectives decide to give their customary breaking speech,

Killer Gets Out Of It, Now After Detectives- The killer proves much too clever and sees through our casts tricks. Maybe he begin’s to notice Conan’s con and swears revenge out of his ego.

Loved Ones Hurt In The Crossfire- They were too quick for Conan’s soccer ball, Heiji’s sword, Kogoro’s Judo, or Division One’s reflexes. The bullets, blades, bludgeons. and Pelvic Thrusts couldn’t be avoided and the innocent were hurt before they could be saved.

It’s Too Much All At Once- When the cast see a suspect state his intention to kill himself, especially in the early episodes, the cast would dare them to do it, thinking it is a bluff. It isn’t.

All For Naught- Going down a dark rabbit hole isn’t worth it, if a killer turns out to have escaped or has been dead for a long time.

Big Troll- There was no murder or kidnapping, they just wanted to humiliate them.

Green Mistake- Not all detectives succeed at once. Sometimes they make mistakes... Okay just here me out here. I sincerely doubt that all those amateur detectives despite their talent have a perfect track record in solving cases or even not getting a innocent person hurt. Just look at Heiji’s, Kogoro’s, and Sera’s early (or in Kogoro’s case many) mistakes. It’s statistically impossible to get it right all the time.

Victim Is Worse- Conan and the gang successfully prevent a client from being murdered. The criminal screams at them, telling them how evil he was, and how this was mistake. When they learn of the clients sick actions, they understand why.

Romance

Waiting For Someone Who Is No Longer There- Lets think about the situation between Shinichi and Ran for a sec. if your like me you come to a unfortunate realization that was also in the OVA “Stranger In 10 Years.” Shinichi may never get back to the way he was. Maybe there is no antidote. What if he disappears in that time? And I don’t mean move on, I mean dies without anyone knowing. Ran now has to deal with both a missing Shinichi and a vanished Conan. Yet, throughout her whole life Ran holds out hope, waiting for them. Waiting for Shinichi to call. She refuses to fall in love with someone else and becomes obsessed with finding them... Until in her old age, she dies.

The Sleeping Sleuth Sleeps Around- Okay just listen to my reasoning here for a sec. I know many of you are probably sharpening their knives in the comments but let’s really think about this for a sec. This is the same Kogoro who smacked the butt of one of the Black Bunnies, and repeatedly motorboats whatever young woman he comes across. I doubt if Eri is okay with that. Plus, alcoholism and nymphomania is not a winning combination. He could easily make a mistake while in his delirium.

Shinichi’s Toxic Jealousy- Once again bear with me on this. I don’t think either Shinichi (or Kogoro for that matter) are evil. They have flaws just like any other person. However, Shinichi can be sort of a dick with it comes to how territorial he is with Ran. Just look at Eisuke. Unlike most of the perverts who are after her, Eisuke is a genuinely nice guy and Shinichi treats him like garbage. That got me thinking... Maybe Shinichi’s claims about wanting Ran to be happy aren’t entirely true. A part of him knows what he’s doing is wrong but a selfish side can’t. What if Shinichi’s jealousy starts to hurt Ran severely? Again it have to be written well so Shinichi doesn’t come off like a unrepentant dick but I think there’s something there.

Character Flaws

Hot Headedness Get You Or Others Killed- This idea concerns Heiji mostly. A rather temperamental fellow isn’t he? Always rushing into danger without thinking or having trouble with guile... Ain’t that a losing combination innit? I wonder how many criminals can take advantage of that eh? How easy it would be to trick Heiji to go into a trap if Kazuha is threatened, how simple it would be to switch a blunted blade with a sharpened one, how effortless it would be to get important information, how utterly painless it would be to manipulate him... Well I’ll leave you lovely sick bastards to come up with more.

Dysfunction Junction- Let’s talk about the Mouri’s. They’re... Not healthy to say the least. With Kogoro’s gambling/drinking/man-whoring problem barely touched upon, as well as his abuse of Conan along with Eri’s absenteeism I can say that’s a huge target for blackmailers, debt collectors, and Count Of Monte Crisco wannabes.

Conan The Gremlin- Y’know for such a seemingly innocent little boy, he sure gets into a lot of trouble don’t he? Murders keep happening around him like a curse, and that animal tranquilizer can’t be healthy for Sonoko and Kogoro... Plus people could find out who he truly is and... Well it would probably be really messy wouldn’t it?

Incompetence From The Police- In all seriousness, let’s think about this for a second. You have a overburdened police dealing with a intense rise in the murder rate, illicit narcotic consumption, and terrorism... But before we can get any further let’s talk about real life Japanese criminal procedure. In Japan you can be held for 21 days in a tiny dark cell without due process or access to a lawyer. Your are also being interrogated with the police officers using abusive tactics such as telling you how ashamed your family would be, something that can’t happen in a culture based on Confucian values. You confess but take it back only to find that you’re basically fucked since Japan has a 99% conviction rate regardless of innocence. If your a drug addict, you are literally considered nonhuman by the public at large and due to the Reaganite standards treatment isn’t a option. If your on death row, you are never told when your going to die and even if innocent is unlikely to get out. Stressed at the rising crime rate, the police refuse to investigate any suspicious death and just like in Osaka (yes this actually happened) will simply not add to the police statistics. If your a police officer what are you to do? Just a few years ago there was so little crime and now your stressed to the bone. You’re largely conservative and full of pride so you won’t admit that you must change tactics. This quick jump to conclusions and borderline incompetence can be seen in so many episodes of Detective Conan that’s it’s a wonder that more people haven’t been wrongfully convicted or got away with it... Or perhaps they have.

Black Organization

Government Corruption- Given how much sway the BO has, it got me thinking. What if everything wrong with the Japanese Government is because the BO IS the government. Something sorta akin to how the Russian Mob are basically government officials. So many possibilities other then the usual blackmail, assassinations, and bombings. Electoral fraud, jury tampering, manufacturing consent, subtle revisions of the law to encroach on democratic rights such as those the Third Way, and Neoconservatives did in the west. So many more subtle yet intriguing ways to go about this! Perhaps the BO serves as a lobbying for other more savory companies that proudly align with them such as legalizing gambling or deregulating protections.

Caught!- The BO discovers Conan’s true identity. Hell follows.

Heists

Heist Bombing- Some madman or maybe the MK organization decides to bomb the Kid Heist. Lots of people die, are traumatized and have to deal with the aftermath. I’ll leave the rest up to you guys.

Crazy Fans- Self explanatory until you really think about it. If Kaito Kid is real in this universe, how toxic is the fandom? How many of them have pedophilic undertones with the beloved Kid Killer? What if a stalker discovers Kaito’s real identity and goes psychotic? Riots could happen! So many possibilities! Doesn’t have to dark like in my sick mind, can be played for laughs.

One last thing, because of how long this took to write, a certain beloved detective’s birthday is here.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIN-CHAN!!!

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

It feels like I'm a lone survivor Forgotten in a dark and deadly world And on my own I walk alone To see the sun again I'd give anything But life demands a final chapter A story that we all must leave behind It's do or die, and this is mine The anthem of a bird with a broken wing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ga4F0_xGQI

This song suits Amy so much it’s like it was written for her, no clowning... like... perfectly...

And by her side are three butterflies, much like the tattoo she has on her leg. These are pink, red and purple. 

Pink for love, red for anger, purple for magic.

Spoiler Alert!! I read the recent chapters of BNHA... or recent chapter... 275... and been drawing pictures for it since I’m still doing the insert OC in canon thing. It’s fun!

And I’m writing down some of the spoilers of what I have recently read from the chapter so... beware... 

Also beware but Amy is a little too talented at giving very scathing speeches so... yeah watch out for her scathing speech down below...

So...

Amy’s decided.

She’s coming in to “save everyone’s asses”

And now that Aizawa has entered the fray... it gives Amy more of a reluctant reason to go. She’s still harboring a fair amount of resentment towards him and hasn’t fully forgiven him yet. But... since Amy has unstable relationships her love or hate can change just like that. However, even though she claims to hate someone even though she can’t let go of the love she has for them, even if the anger and resentment is still there. And unfortunately Aizawa is one of the many people she has an unstable relationship with. She still resents him, still feels like he abandoned her, because he kinda did. 

But because she still loves him (like every other teenager girl who acts like she hates her dad) doesn’t want to do the same and abandon him, she’s actually coming to help.

Not only that but Bakugo are there too, and so is Izuku, well, she still resents/hates Izuku too, yet another unstable relationship and yet another person she’s harboring a fair amount of resentment towards as well, in a woman scorned kinda fashion. But she isn’t willing to let him die either, and especially not Bakugo, who she slowly grew to love and developed an oddly stable relationship with and is more open about wanting to protect him. 

So... she’s gonna fight, and gonna save her friends, and isn’t afraid of death being a possibility. Where she grew up, she’s learned to not fear death and she’s in a bargaining stage where life or death are two options for her (plus a secret third option). If she lives, that’ll be all right, but if she dies, that won’t be so bad either. Cuz if she does, at least it’ll be for the sake of people she loves, and people she claims to hate but actually really loves very much and just hides it with vitriol. 

“I’m here so you dumb asshats don’t become dead dumb asshats. And you know I had a choice, and now I’m probably gonna be a dead dumb asshat too just so I can save your asses when I don’t even have to. I mean why should I? You abandoned me when my parents died and when I needed you, when I wanted you, you let Ms. Fiona take me away from my home halfway across the fucking world even though you knew the bitch was evil, you got mad at me when I acted out for your attention, you yelled at me, you took someone else in even though I wanted you to take me in and that just made me feel like shit and somehow you didn’t get that, and you didn’t even apologize for it. You are the worst teacher in the world, and you are also the worst second dad in the world because you were never really my second dad were you? I can at least say this though, I don’t owe you a goddamn thing, and yet here I am anyway.”

“Izuku you’re almost even worse, but I’m choosing to blame you the most because I thought a fellow outcast and a sweet boy like you would have understood my pain, but you’re not sweet... you hurt my feelings and you ended up disappointing me like so many others had. You rejected my feelings for you and you couldn’t handle the fact that I’m not some nice basic bitch that’s apparently every pathetic virgin’s wet dream, you called me an insane selfish brat, you punched me in the face and you beat me up, and all of that made me feel like shit too. And now you’re making me have to step into a goddamn warzone and I’m probably not even gonna get a chance to see Endgame or see who finally wins Game of Thrones!!”

*inhale and exhale*

“But over the last few months I realized something.. I'm way too nice... and I love way too much. It's my fatal flaw and it's going to be the literal death of me because it's why I'm here. Since you two have given me no choice. Now I’ll have to murder this motherfucker and save your ass.” 

Tell the world I know that my mind is made It's a horror show, but I'm not afraid Though I won't be missed, I would say it's time For a different twist in the story line...

[dianapana]

SasuHina Month Day 11- Mafia Au

Part 1 (Day 7- Falling in love with an Ex)

Dark side of life -Part 2

Hinata

For months after high school ended I imagined running into Sasuke, I imagined him coming to me and apologizing, I imagined him saying he loved me still and I would have been ok with it, I would have forgave him for the pain he had caused because i was 17 and I love, but as time went on and Uni started and he disappeared I imagined another scenario. I imagined meeting my true soul mate in University and then running into Sasuke and showing him how I had moved on. But once more that didn’t happen. I dated quite a bit in Uni but nothing serious, the longest relationship was barely 2 months and even that I knew wouldn’t last. I never imagined meeting him in a club when I was dressed in someone else’s clothes. I didn’t imagine him hugging me like we’re old pals and for sure I didn’t imagine myself blocking. All of a sudden it feels like the air has been sucked from my lungs, my heart is beating so fast and hard I feel it physically hurting my chest. Ino is grinning at me, Sakura is looking worried and Sasuke is up in my face, smirking.  

His smirk is something I'm familiar with, I remember him looking at me that way whenever I told him that I loved him, he’d say ‘i know’ and kiss me hard and whisper that he loved me too. Out of everyone that I have dated Sasuke made me feel the most loved, but he also hurt me the most. He finally let me go and I breath in deeply. I close my eyes while he shakes hands with Sakura and I try to compose myself. When I open my eyes, I feel better. He just caught me off guard, in a place and time when I was already feeling awkward.  

I notice Naruto looking at Sasuke alarmed. That makes sense if he’s friends with Sasuke he probably knows what his dark smile means. He's worried that Sasuke will make me upset and I'll vent to Ino and that might affect their relationship. I know this, I've seen this before with Ino’s boyfriends. When she sets me up with the friend of her boyfriend, they always worry about that. But I never cause problems for them and Ino is a hopeless romantic and never sees any of these signs, even now she’s looking at me with stars in her eyes. She's made up her mind that me and Sasuke will be a couple, we’ll have a double wedding and move in the same house and out kids will be best friends. Again...I’ve seen this play out before.  

“So how do the two of you know each other?” Ino asks  

“We went to the same high school.” I answered vaguely. I hoped Sasuke would leave it to that. But as always Sasuke disappoints me.

“Oh don’t be like that. We were in the same class all thought school from 1rst to 12th grade. And then in 10th grade we started dating until 12th when due to unfortunate events we broke up amicably, of course” He spoke with so much ease even I for a moment believe him. But I quickly remember the true story and the fact that he lied makes me hate him a bit more.  

I thank God Temari left, she’s the one that knows about Sasuke. I told both her and Gaara everything one drunken night at their home a couple of summers ago. Ino still looks like she just won the lottery while Sakura and Ten just share a puzzled expression. Naruto is cringing, either he knows the real story, or he can tell that Sasuke is lying.  

Ino goes back into party mood and orders more shots for everyone. “You can’t drink tho. You have to drive us all home” she tells Naruto sternly. He only nods and dips his head to kiss her. The thought of getting drunk while Sasuke is around is as pleasant as getting stabbed in the eye with a spoon. But when Ino gives me a shot I drink it anyway, because it’s so much easier to do what she says then to fight with her and end up doing that anyway. For the 8th time that night I wish I had told Neji to come with.  

Sasuke

When Naruto said that his girlfriend is celebrating her birthday at K9 club the very night that I had some business in the area I didn’t think much of it. When he said that he wanted to tag along and then party with her I said I'm ok with it. We got to the club, I finished what I had to do pretty fast and I started making my way to where I saw Naruto and Ino and then I noticed her, she was looking at me like I was a ghost. I couldn’t help but mess a bit with her. If I'm honest I expected her to leave early after we arrived.  

Naruto keeps throwing me worried looks. He knows about Hinata. When Ino asked how we knew each other I couldn’t help but tell them the story I had made up in my mind. I’ve been refusing the truth, that I broke her heart, since the moment it happened. I keep telling myself it was ok with both of us how we ended. I figure that if I keep saying it enough, I'll eventually start believing it.  

Hinata and the other 2 girls are dancing and Ino went to the bathroom so it’s just me and Naruto in the booth for the first time since we got here. “Dude what are you doing?” Naruto asks, I know he’s been worried. I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve taken every chance to be near Hinata and touch her. Nothing in my life has changed since high school, it actually got worse so I can’t drag her into any of that. But I didn’t expect that just seeing her and being close to her would do this to me. I want to pick her up, throw her over my shoulder and take her home with me. I want to apologize for breaking her heart and help her put it back together. But I can’t. Yet seeing her brings back memories of the 2 years we had together, those 2 years are my happy place. Even the beginning of our relationship when we were a bit awkward, everything about it is perfect, of course if you don’t count the last 2 hours of our relationship when I ruined it all.  

I watch as she dances, she’s smiling at her friends, her cheeks are red from the alcohol she drank and probably because she’s hot from dancing. Her clothes are a tad too tight and short but I'm not complaining, I can see every curve of her body, she looks different from when we were in high school, she has a more mature look in her eyes and everything about her is adult now. I used to know every dip and freckle on her body and the thought that it changed, and I will never be able to familiarize myself with it once more makes it hard to breath. I take my eyes off her because I can’t think when I’m watching her. i look around the club and see at least 6 other men looking at her with filthy thoughts read in their eyes and it takes all my willpower not to go to them and smash their heads against a wall. My murderous thought must have been obvious because Naturo places his hand on my shoulder. “Dude I'm worried about you”  

Hinata

I ended up drinking enough that now I don’t care that Sasuke is here, actually in a sick kind of way I like feeling his stare burn me. For a while I closed my eyes and imagined we are back in high school. That this is a normal party, that I am dancing with my friends while he is laughing with his friends and that soon enough he’ll come over and hug me from behind, that we’ll dance for a while that way but I'll turn in his hold and we’ll kiss all night long. But as I open my eyes I'm still in the club 6 years later, and he’s sitting at the table and there will be no kissing. I'm oddly disappointed in that. I'm disappointed in me too, I thought I was over this. But just seeing him brought back everything I felt for him, the hurt, the heartbreak and I'm scared that the love is back as well.  

Ten and Sakura are back to kissing and Ino is still in the bathroom. I stop dancing and consider going to look for her in case she’s sick. I look to where the boys are and my eyes meet Sasuke’s. For a second I forget everything when I look at him so I smile at him. I point to the bathroom and nod. He looks to the bathroom and nods back. He points at Sakura and Ten, then to himself and makes an ok sign. He’ll watch over them while I'm gone. The high of the alcohol is coming down and I feel emotional. I haven’t found anyone with whom I can talk like I can with him, I feel myself tearing up, so I start walking to the bathroom. I realize that all these years I've tried to get over losing Sasuke as a boyfriend and I did nothing for the part of my heart that broke when I lost him as a best friend.  

I knock on the door and Ino shouts that ‘It’s fucking busy’ and if I knock again she’ll break my arm Sometimes I forget how irritable alcohol makes her.  

“It’s me. Open up” The door opens and she lets me in.

“Sorry some bitch has been knocking for 5 minutes and she pissed me off” I nod.  

“What are you doing here?” I ask, but then I see her make-up kit on the sink, and I understand.  

“i’m re-touching my make-up. It was a mess after sweating and kissing Naruto.” she looks back to the mirror and I put the lid down on the toilet and sit on it. I know Ino well enough, this will take her another 10 minutes at least.  

“Entertain me. Tell me about Sasuke” I sigh. I knew sooner or later she would wanna know.  

“We were friends. We dated. We broke up. Nothing more to say there” Her eyes are on me in the mirror.  

“Well you dated him for 2 years that must have been serious. I mean you barely dated that Vet student for 2 months and no one else lasted over 3 weeks” She’s looking me in the eyes and I feel trapped. I hate it so much that I actually get up and leave, I hear Ino shouting after me. I know she won’t follow me. Not until she finishes her make-up. I see Sakura and Ten drinking at the bar, Naruto passes by me with his phone at his ear, so I turn to Sasuke and he’s alone in the booth looking at me with his eyebrow rose. I look at my options, I don’t wanna go back to talk to Ino, i don’t wanna drink anymore, I don’t know Naruto enough to go with him and I can’t just sit alone on the dance floor. A part of my brain tells me I'm just lying to myself, that I actually just want to go to Sasuke and I don’t even bother to correct that part, I just make my way to where he is.  

Sasuke

This is the third time tonight that I feel like my heart will jump out of its place. First was when I saw her for the first time, the second was when she smiled at me before going to the bathroom and now is the third as I look at her as she makes her way towards me, her eyes are focused and they have a purpose, I just don’t know what it is.  

She sits down next to me and closes her eyes. I touch her cheek with the back of my hand, I can’t help it. She's too close to me for my brain to make any sense. When I saw her initially, I just wanted to tease her a little because I believed she’d leave soon. She didn’t. Her eyes open and she looks younger and hurt.  

“Why?” her voice is meek and halfway a sob. I feel like crying too. I know what she’s asking but I don’t answer, I can’t. I just pull her closer. My arm is around her waist, I tilt her head so it’s resting on my shoulder and with my other hand I take one of hers. She fits next to me just as perfect as she always did. She turns her head so her nose touches my shoulder and I can feel her inspire in, I turn my head too so I can bury my nose in her hair and I smell her, she smells like all my wildest dreams come true. I want to cry too, for the time lost, for the happiness I could have had with her.  

“My family is doing bad things, really bad things. I couldn’t risk putting you in danger.”

Her head raises. “bad things?”  

I nod. “Japanese mafia is no joke.”  

I can feel her gasp. Without saying anything else I lower her head once more and stay in the same position as earlier. I open my eyes and see Naruto stare at me with sad eyes, Ino looks ecstatic while the other two girls just look confused. That pretty much sums up what I feel too, I'm sad because I could have had Hinata forever but our lives were just a bit off and we didn’t fit as we should have, I'm ecstatic to be here with her now, touching her, having her warmth all around me, and I'm confused because I don’t know how to fix everything, to make it all fit so I can have her. In high school I gave her up without thinking about how much it would hurt, but now that I know how it is to live with her and how it is to live without her, and I want to do anything in my power to make her want to stay with me and to figure out how to protect her from everything, from my life, my family, myself.  

[thesugatoyourtae]

Impact

angst – 1. 5k words

Loving him has always been an eventful journey for her. She had always experienced things so lucidly firsthand from him, for him, and to him. And as love is, it’s always better to share these feelings with the one you love. To have your feelings be reciprocated, returned and appreciated. But that wasn’t the case for her, unfortunately. Because the person she loves doesn’t love her back. She always expected her first crush to go a little unplanned and disastrous, but this was beyond anything she’d ever imagined. Her feelings were so so intense and strong she had no option but to endure and be patient. Because no matter how hard it was for her, she couldn’t lose the person she loved most by making a pathetic move of confessing her love when he was with someone else. And so happily at that too. He loved his girlfriend so much anyone could tell from a three mile radius how much love and happiness they radiated. Even she could tell that she could never make him as happy, but she likes to dream. To imagine a world where he’s hers and she’s his and everything falls into place. Where she isn’t the outsider.

It felt like the whole universe was on her side the day he noticed her. The girl he loves said she loves him no more and packed her stuff and left. He no longer shone so brightly or smiled so widely. And maybe it was selfish and insensitive of her to take the chance but she didn’t care. She’d been on the sidelines for far too long watching him have the time of his life with another girl. So, yes she took the chance. She made him notice her. She tried to impress him with all she knew might grab his attention about her. With the mutual interests she knew they certainly had. With the passion of music she had that brought her to know him in the first place. And it felt like it was her lucky day when he smiled at her at the coffee shop. When he invited her to join him for the dark cup of steaming beverage and the heartfelt talk. She knew so much about him but every word he said felt brand new to her, every syllable had a unique impact on her. A wonderful impact.

But a voice in the back of her mind always told her something was off. That it was too good to be true. That he must still have feelings for the girl who left him behind. She knew the voice was absolutely correct but she chose to ignore it. For now.

Her happiness continued to escalate the more time they spent together. The texts he’d sent that made her heart skip a beat. The compliments he’d give that made her stomach flutter. The silent confession of his admiration under the moonlight that made her soul cheer in ecstasy. All the eventful and eventless days that passed the two of them felt somewhat special.

The day he told her about his growing affection and love for her was the happiest day of her life. She was certain it would always be. Until the day he asked her to move in. The joy she felt that day could exceed all the memorable moments in her life and then some. When she entered his apartment with all her stuff the next day, it felt like she was finally coming home. That she’d been aimlessly wandering for her whole life and she’s only getting to come home now. And it felt fantastic.

That night though, was one of the worst moments of her life. One that would probably stay engraved in her memory for the day she breathes her last breath. Because as they laid side by side him already dozed off and her eyes getting droopy, she heard it. She heard him whisper a name that had always brought a dull ache to her heart. A name she hadn’t heard in so long but wished she wouldn’t hear it again. A name that brought the same pain along no matter how long ago it was. And what’s worse than hearing the guy you love say a name that isn’t yours in his sleep.

She didn’t say anything about it even though it killed her inside. She thought that maybe it was just a dream. An innocent perception of his subconscious mind. Just a simple memory. But it wasn’t. she learned that the hard way the day he whispered that name again, this time when they were kissing. And if that was even possible, it hurt more than the first time.

The third time around was when they were making love and she had honestly thought it couldn’t get any worse. She thought it was too late to say anything now and she feared that this would be the last straw holding them together. She didn’t want to lose him now that he finally had him. But how wrong she was.

Nightmares started where he’d call out the name she now dreaded in his sleep, trying to reach out, only to look disappointed to open his eyes and see her. The one who loves him but maybe he doesn’t reciprocate.

And then the worst came to reality the night he actually saw her. With someone else, looking happy and okay. He came home drunk that night crying about how the one he loves doesn’t love him while the one he doesn’t love but loves him comforts him and tells him maybe she’ll come back when she realizes how great you are. But will he ever realize how great she is?

He’s put her through hell and back more than enough times and yet she failed to leave his side. But maybe one day he woke up, saw her beside him and realized what he’s been doing. He apologized. Said he put her through more than anyone should. That she’s been so understanding and so good to him that it breaks his heart when he cries to her about someone else.

But what can he do when he wished she were here instead? What can he do when she’s all that fills his head? What can he do when he can’t bring himself to love someone who can’t admit he hurts her? That he breaks her heart over him every time his heart breaks over someone else?

He knows that he’s putting her through more than one ever should. He knows that if she were anybody else she would’ve already left him. He knows she’s no longer happy with him. He hears her cry every night and when she thinks he’s not home. He hears her speak to him when she thinks he’s asleep. She tells him about her day, about what she wishes to see and where she wishes to go. She tells him her dreams and preferences. She tells him about anything and everything because she can no longer speak to him when he’s awake and aware. He no longer gives her his time of day because it makes him hate himself. He hates himself because she doesn’t.

She also tells him about the things that worry her. That one day he’ll wake up and realize he doesn’t want to see her anymore. He’ll realize what he really wants and deserves which isn’t her. She tells him how much she wants to hate both of them for what they put her through but she can’t; because him: she loves, and her: he loves. She told him she can handle him wanting someone else as long as he comes home to her. That it breaks her that he finds solace in someone else’s arms but as long as he’s happy she’ll accept. Even if she’s not.

He knows she has no one but him. A few fake friends and a too busy family. Maybe that’s what’s tying him down to her. Or maybe it’s the fact that deep down he really does care for her, maybe not like a lover but he cares for her. Maybe it’s the fact that he knows no one but her will accept to be put through so much. To always be a second choice. Maybe not a choice at all sometimes. Maybe he’s scared to be alone, that’s why he’s keeping her around. He knows it’s selfish and rotten to feel that way but he can’t help it.

And it stays that way for a while; her crying over him and him crying over someone else.

Until she no longer had tears to shed. She no longer had pieces to be broken, only shards of what used to be a heart that loved and a soul that hoped. Until the one thing she was scared of happened. Until she returned and just like she had always expected he up and left her for the girl he loved. The one he loves and will always love. And it hurt her so much because she loved and loved and lost him.

[romancemeyamato]

24 Hours with Negan (part 1 of 5)

You had just turned 17 when the outbreak began. You can still see the faces of your family members when you close your eyes. The way your dad looked when he fought to protect you. He tried so hard to protect everyone, but in the end he just wasn't strong enough- between the dogs and your baby brother and your older sister and your step mother who was always afraid- there was just too much for him to look after.

Anyways, you're alone now. Well, you feel alone... You do have somewhat of a friend in Matthew. Matt's helped save you more than a few times on your travels, but lately he's been getting pretty pushy on what he wants from your relationship and it's starting to scare you.

"We're just friends," you remind him once again.

Matt sighs in frustration, "I know that (y/n), I'm just saying you should give me a chance. We're in the middle of a zombie apocalypse for Christ sake and you're being choosy on who you want for a boy friend!"

You kick a few large rocks as you walk. It's not like you haven't thought about having a boyfriend, or at least someone to date. But Matt has always just been a friend. You kick another stone. You and Matt have been following the railroad tracks for a few hours now, hoping to find some kind of shelter before nightfall. The last thing you want is to be sleeping up in a tree for another night!

"Have you ever considered that maybe I don't want a boy friend?"

"Seriously, you're 19 years old and you still want to be single?" He asks, stopping in the middle of the track to look at you. You look back at him.

He's not an ugly guy- about 24 years old, you think. He's got light skin that's slightly burnt by the Georgia sun, and dark brown hair that falls messily over his eyes. In fact, you think before the apocalypse you might've given a guy like him a chance. But now all you can think about is how his whiny and pushy behavior is a liability. You can practically hear your dad's voice calling him a 'little bitch'. You can't help but giggle at the voice in your head.

"So now you're laughing at me," he growls.

"No, I wasn't laughing at you," you try to tell him but Matt just shakes his head and starts walking away.

"C'mon, let's go before it gets too late," he says over his shoulder.

About twenty minutes later the two of you wind up at a railway station. Matt looks back at you and gives a hand signal- it means he sees walkers, two of them. You crouch down low, pulling your axe handle from the sling on your back. You feel a wave of adrenalin rush through your body, making your fingertips go cold. No matter how many times you face them, the dead always give you a little bit of fear. But if you can clear out the walkers then maybe you won't have to sleep outside tonight, and that's reason enough to run up to them and take a swing.

The first walker turns to you with a growl, it's jaw is hanging loose and you wonder how it can even see you with it's eyes shriveled in their sockets. It doesn't matter- you swing your axe handle as hard as you can and sigh in relief as it's skull caves in around the temple. You turn to Matt with a smile as you see him drop the second walker by stabbing it's forehead.

"Alright, good job-" you start to say, but suddenly cold dirty fingers are digging into your shoulder. You turn and a third walker is pushing you down, trying to bite your face. You feel it's overgrown fingernails cutting into your flesh and your heart starts pounding in panic. You try to push it away, but it's a freshly turned walker and so it's much stronger than the already rotting ones.

"Matt!" You yell, tripping over the first walker you killed and landing hard on your back. It feels like the air's been knocked out of you, and you struggle to take a breath. You look up, but Matt's just standing there, staring at you. The walker on top of you so close you can smell it's breath- like roadkill and the worst morning breath you've ever smelled. It nearly makes you gag, and tears sting the corner of your eyes from it.

"Matt, help," you ask again.

Finally Matt starts to move. "You know, (y/n)" he says, "if it weren't for me, you'd probably be dead by now. In fact, with all the times I've saved your ass, I know you'd be dead by now."

You try to push the walker back or roll over but your arms are shaking with the effort of just keeping it off of you. "Matt!" You yell in desperation. The walker is so close now you have to turn your face just to keep from being bit. "Please!" You beg.

"I'm just saying," he continues, walking over to you and kneeling so that he can talk to your face, "a little appreciation would be nice." In a swift movement he plunges his blade into the walkers head, causing it's blood to spill over your face and chest. It's thick and black like tar and smells ten times worse then the walker breath did.

"What the fuck, Matt!" You yell, rolling the dead body off of you. "Are you serious!? Why didn't you tell me there was a third walker?" You're yelling loudly and a part of you is worried there may be more undead lurking in the station, but you're just so frustrated. "I could've died!" Tears are starting to stream down your cheeks and you quickly rub your face to wipe them away.

"I'm sorry," Matt replies, "I swear I didn't see that one. I just feel like you don't appreciate me is all..."

You wipe the blood and tears from your face as Matt steps closer to you. He grabs your shoulders and looks you in the eyes. His sadness almost looks believable.

"I'm sorry," he says again, this time pulling you into a hug. He almost smells as bad as the walkers. "I wasn't gonna let it hurt you, I promise. I would never let anything hurt you. I care about you, (y/n), more than you know."

You really don't want to be hugging him, but the adrenalin and the fear from almost being bitten has you seeking comfort- and so you hug Matt back, holding on to him as you cry. It's so frustrating to feel this way but at least you're not completely alone in this fucked up world.

"See, baby, I'll take care of you." You feel a wave of nausea creep up as he says those words.

"Let's go," you say finally, shrugging him off of you. You grab your axe handle from the ground and hold it tightly in your grip, ready for whatever's in the station.

Unfortunately, the inside of the station is a complete bust. Luckily, there aren't any more walkers but the entire back wall is completely busted open which makes it less than ideal to spend the night. You sigh in frustration, glass crunching under your boots as you explore what little is left of the crumbling building. You discover a small pushed over concession stand. From the looks of what's left someone else had already took anything that was worth anything.

You sigh in frustration, "looks like someone's already been through here, took anything we might need." You turn to Matt, who's standing behind a counter.

"Not everything," he says, smiling wildly. He holds up small box, and it takes a moment for your brain to register that it's a box of condoms.

You feel your stomach drop like a ball of ice. "Seriously, those are probably expired," you tell him, trying to keep your cool.

"Hmm," he turns the box over and scans the expiration date. "They got a few more years before they expire, actually," he tells you. "(Y/n), when are you gonna stop playing hard to get?"

You feel another trickle of fear radiate through your body, and tighten your grip on your axe handle. "I'm not playing hard to get. Matt, I told you we're just friends."

"Well I don't want to be just friends. I saved your life!"

"It's your fault that thing even got to me!" You yell back.

"No! Not then," Matt yells, shaking his head, "I saved your life back when your father died!"

You feel a rush of anger, and your hand tightens on the handle once again.

"Can't you just be a little bit grateful to me? It's not like you've got tons of options out here. When your dad died, I was there to pick up the pieces, remember?"

"Shut up, Matt," you warn through clenched teeth.

"No," he says, stepping closer to you. "I won't shut up. I'm the shoulder you cried on when you had no one. I'm the one who took you in and kept you safe."

You feel hot tears start prick the corners of your eyes. "Shut up, Matt! I already said no!"

"I'm the one who kept you safe when your dad couldn't! And this is how you repay me? By being an unappreciative bitch?! I should've just left you to- "

You don't even remember swinging your axe handle. The only thing you feel is the satisfaction of shutting him up. He falls to the ground clenching him stomach where you hit him.

"Are you serious! You fucking bitch!" He clenches his fist and you instinctively step back, ready to defend yourself.

*CLANK* *CLANK* *CLANK*

You both turn towards the sound, your heart pounding fiercely as you see a figure step out from behind a crumbled piece of back wall. The first thought that crosses your mind is, "oh, shit." This guys tall, and muscular, and carrying a barbed wire covered bat. And if this guy's here to rob you or kill you, there's no way you'll defeat him without Matt's help. You grit your teeth at the idea of asking Matt for help. *'I'd rather take my chances,'* you think you yourself.

"Well, well, well... what do we have here?" The man asks, practically yelling. "Here I am, just passing through the area when I stumble upon a quaint little rail station. I think to myself this is as good a place as any to drop a load, but lo and behold, there's already a pile shit here! Ain't that right, Matt?"

You don't know what to think, and hold your breath as the man steps closer to you. He turns to face Matt, adjusting his grip on the bat.

"Matt? More like shat! Ain't that right doll face?"

You realize suddenly that this man is here to protect you and you feel your chest swell in relief.

"Yea, fuck you!" Matt shouts at the man, throwing the box of condoms at you in retaliation. You can't help but shake your head at his immaturity.

"See, now that wasn't very nice Shat. You really are a real piece of shit. And you know what I do to pieces of shit?" The man looks back at you for a moment, giving you a handsome smirk that makes your heart pound just a little bit faster. "Well, actually, I don't do anything to pieces of shit. But Lucille here, well-" he clangs his bat, Lucille, against the floor three more times- "she likes to take pieces of shit and bash 'em up until they become piles of shit."

Matt doesn't say anything, instead he looks back up at you, pulling the same sad face he tried earlier. "I'm sorry, (y/n). Listen man-" he looks back to the stranger, this time Lucille is inches from his face- "we don't want any trouble. You can stay here tonight and (y/n) and I will leave. We were just leaving anyways."

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" You practically growl the words to Matt.

"Looks like the little lady has spoken," he points Lucille at Matt again, this time making sure to press the barbs against Matt's face. "Seems like you'll be staying here, and (y/n) will be leaving with me."

You feel a wave of butterflies in your belly at the thought of leaving with this man. Even knowing him for less than a minute he feels like the better choice.

"What do you say, doll face?" He asks you.

You nod yes, making sure to stare Matt in the eyes. "I never owed you anything... goodbye Matt."

You grab the one bag you and Matt shared and pull it over your shoulder, turning to walk away. As you exit the rail station you hear the stranger laugh. "Oh, she's savage. You should never fuck over someone who's savage..." Anything else he says is lost as you step outside into the late afternoon sun.

A few moments later, the stranger joins you, stretching out his long limbs before starting his treck on the railway track. It's hard keeping up with his long stride, but even so, you find yourself starting at him from behind. His dark leather jacket is stained with dried blood, and after that little show in the train station you don't know if it's come from the living or the dead. Not that it really matters. He's resting Lucille on his shoulder, and his other shoulder carries a small brown rucksack. You're trying to figure out what kind of man he might've been before the outbreak- a soldier? No, soldiers don't wear black boots. A cop maybe? Or-

You crash abruptly against the strangers chest as he stops to face you. "Listen, doll face, you don't actually have to follow me. You don't owe me anything either."

You look up at him, suddenly aware of just how gross you must look and smell with walker blood on your shirt. But for some reason you don't step back, and neither does he. "I, um, I was going this way before the rail station," you say weakly.

"Is that so," he asks with a small smile. Good God, maybe it's because you've not seen another living human since Matt, but this stranger is devilishly good looking and your entire body heats up just from looking at him. He smiles down at you, and let's his gaze roam down your body. "Well, in that case, the name's Negan."

[electricbluebutterflies]

new history

She could get used to the hidden gentleness of him.

@restrainedubiquity wanted post-s2-grayspace Kabby hair-braiding fic so here we are. In which Abby is a mess (and trying to convince herself otherwise) and Marcus is probably having a midlife crisis. Title and slight inspo from “New Histories” by Brooke Fraser. PG-ish and also on ao3.

The first full day after, she sleeps like she hasn't since… honestly, Abby has never allowed herself this kind of rest, but her body crashes even harder than she expects and she has no control over any of it. The second and third days, she rests on and off. The fourth, she starts to get frustrated.

She is not a solitary creature by nature, but right now she has no choice. Her body has decided it is time to suffer all the consequences of her habitual neglect, and that combined with the recent violation - she has to call it something and that will do nicely, she decides - means she's sidelined for a while. Standing up without help is currently not happening, and any form of productive activity is even less likely.

She knows it's temporary. A week or two at worst. She'll be fine, in the grand scheme of things. But for now, she is miserable.

She was just starting to get used to the concept of a wider world, fresh air in her lungs and rain on her skin. She will have those things again, she knows, but their absence feels damning as she is stuck once more in a metal box, this time without even the ability to pace across the small room. She shouldn't even have this space. Someone else, someone in worse condition, should be on this mattress. Not her. Not-

The door opens, and another feature of her current hell asserts itself.

A week ago, this would've felt strange; a month ago, completely unthinkable. But the man in her doorway is not who he was then, and she feels a strange warmth as he approaches. Her, feeling something about Marcus Kane that isn't near-homicidal anger. Not as new a sensation as she wishes it was, but still foreign enough to throw her off.

He checks on her every few hours, in between whatever else he's doing. She suspects he's slipped back into a natural leadership role, to whatever extent that's even possible amidst current chaos, and that doesn't bother her as much as she feels like it ought to. He's not what he was - she trusts him now, started trusting him at some point shortly before she crawled through a ruined city for him, and she's conflicted, and-

"Did I wake you?"

This caution, too, is new and conflicting. The softness of his voice as he stops just out of reach, the heavy emotions in his eyes, the general presence of him as someone who has finally learned to act like a human being. All new, all probably her fault somehow, all terrifying.

"No," she replies, beckoning him closer. "Unfortunately."

He sits down in a chair that appeared at some point close to her bed - she has no idea where it came from, but she's not complaining. "Still…"

"Yeah."

Last time he checked on her, a few hours ago, they tried out her physical abilities. Which is to say that she took three steps on her own and then collapsed against him. The pain in her thigh isn't quite as bad as she was, and she suspects the problem right now is mostly just exhaustion. Another day or two, she'll be capable of normal activity. But today she is not, and she's angry, and-

"Anything I can do?"

The offer is genuine, another reflection of what he is becoming. Whatever she asks, she knows he'll at least try. This balance won't last long-term, but until she's functional again and until anyone's brave enough to explain where the hell her kid is…

Whatever happened, Abby reassures herself, it will be okay. Her daughter will be okay. The issue right now is her. She can… she can't…

She won't cry in front of another human being. She hasn't in years and she won't now. But she is tired on a level that sleep won't fix, and currently useless, and unable to do anything about anything, and-

Focus. Back in her body, to the extent that she can be, to the extent that she is realizing everything sucks and she's not as resilient as she used to be. She's not twenty-six anymore, using stimulants to stay awake for four days at a stretch because a high-stress job and a small child weren't an ideal mix. Hell, right now staying awake for one full day would be a nice change of pace. As soon as she can, she'll throw herself back in, she has to, she-

"Abby. Look at me."

She doesn't even have the energy to pick a fight with him. This is how bad she's getting.

"I'm fine, Marcus. You can go back to whatever you're actually supposed to be doing."

"I have time. We're figuring out better logistics, but I've done what I can today."

"And now you're here because I'm the only person you haven't annoyed enough today," she mutters, because if he keeps this up she is going to-

"I'm trying to take care of you," he counters.

And oh, that should not make her feel as good as it does.

She's not in any medical danger, she's figured out that much. In her current state, Marcus is a capable caretaker. It doesn't take a lot of skill to change bandages, and he's brought her food as needed and found an extra blanket for her from god-knows-where, and it's working out. She needs some form of connection with the outside world; he needs something to affirm his humanity. Not a worst-case scenario for either of them. Not at all.

She needs to give him something, she figures. Some little project to distract the both of them. And now that she thinks about it, there's a pretty obvious idea…

"Could you braid my hair?" she asks, voice shaking a little. She's had it loose since before the Bad Thing, but she wants something familiar. She could do it herself, she always has, but it would be nice to have someone else help. It's been too long since she's been touched with any kind of affection.

(No. It's been four days. This thing between them counts, and she needs to stop being so damned stubborn about it.)

"I don't know how," he replies. "Never done that before."

"It's as easy as it sounds, and I trust you. I need… there's a hairbrush somewhere in that dresser, I think. Should be a band around it."

He walks over and starts opening drawers. She feels like she ought to be more bothered by how comfortable he is exploring her space - she ought to be more bothered by almost everything this man does - but it feels right, him digging through her few personal possessions in an effort to help her. Him here feels right, and she's scared of how their dynamic will change when she's functional again, and-

"This one?"

"Yes."

It takes a little maneuvering to get her body in an accessible position. It would be much easier if she could stand up, but as that is very sharply Not Happening, moving to the chair is the next best option. She does this on her own, still unstable but not as bad as a few hours ago, and this feels like confirmation of her expected timeline. Two or three more days at worst. She'll be okay. She'll-

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I trust you."

Marcus seems to have discovered a wide range of new emotions recently, and Abby thinks his current nervousness might be her favorite. She hasn't tried to deal with her hair in over a week and it's a mess, but she keeps calm as he works through the knots. He has definitely never done this before, but it's not bad as a trust fall and it'll be okay. She has never been particularly vain, and if she looks human, well… that'd be a vast improvement over how she feels.

"Three strands, right?"

"Yes."

He pulls a little tighter than she'd like, but she feels the transformation taking place. It'll be good enough, keep her hair out of her way if that should happen to matter at any point soon, and-

"I could… I could try to find a mirror for you. If you wanted."

Again, warmth. Again, she is unsure how she became so important. Again, she doesn't mind as much as she ought to.

"I don't care," she murmurs, reaching back and taking one of his hands in hers. She could learn these calluses, she thinks, get used to the hidden gentleness of him. She wants to. "I trust your judgment."

"I'm not sure if I do," he replies, almost laughing.

"Still a few more days before anyone else is going to see me, unless something goes wildly wrong. As long as you can stand to look at it…"

She turns her head and tries to make eye contact at the same moment he blushes. It's a good look on him, half-hidden by scruff - he is becoming wild, and there is a certain kind of beauty in that. One of these days, she decides, she's going to crash into all of that. Not now, not at any point she can pin down, but someday. When the timing is right for her to risk herself again.

"I… you look… it works."

She suspects she's the only person who's ever made him speechless, and the frequency with which she's doing it… yeah, that plan of jumping up and kissing him will probably break the poor man. But she's a little less worried about that being undesired.

"Thank you."

"Do you need anything else, Abby?"

"Can you… can you stay for a little while? I've been alone too long."

He sits down on the edge of the bed and reaches for her hand again, and they are both too young and too old for all of this, and she wonders if maybe this is what love feels like. Chaos and uncertainty and warmth despite it all, as he starts tracing patterns on her skin like she's pretty sure he does when he's nervous. Something complicated and terrifying and wonderful.

"Do you want to talk?" he asks, hesitant again.

"Tell me what you did today. What's happening outside of this box. Please."

"So one of the kids thought they saw a squirrel…"

[dreamchester67]

At Worlds End

Characters: Dean Winchester x reader, Sam Winchester, Castiel (mentioned), Bobby Singer (mentioned)

Word Count: 1436

Warnings: Mentions of death, Angst, hinting at a breakup

Summary: You and the Winchesters are up against another big bad threatening to end the world; Dean wants to take the lead once again, but how will your relationship fare?

Authors Note: Hey y’all. I really hope you guys enjoy this one. I’m seemingly better at writing angst than anything else haha. This is unbeta’d, so any and all mistakes are on me. Feedback is much appreciated :) xoxo

Once again, you and the Winchesters were met with an impending doom. It was fairly often that you three were what was stopping the world from ending, which was becoming quite alarming. Whatever sick game God, Lucifer, or whatever the hell was playing, it was coming to a point where you wondered just how many more “end of the worlds” you could take.

    This time, you were up against another God-like monster that had somehow awaken from the empty. How that happened, you were vastly unaware. The unfortunate part-you were running out on plans- and friends. You had already lose more men than you cared to admit, some being close friends for years. Within the last three days, not only had you lost many men from the apocalypse dimension, but one of the most important people in your life had been killed-once again. While this dimensions Bobby Singer was different from the one you grew up with and looked up to as a father, he still had the same underlying qualities as the man that you lost to a gunshot wound to the head. To make matters worse, Cas had been killed on impact right along with Bobby. No one knew how to handle their deaths, other than to give them the proper hunters funeral and go on their separate ways.

    It had been a hell of a few days, and since you felt the need to clear your head, you headed down to the gym in the far hall of the bunker. Getting the tape and gloves, you warmed up to go a few rounds with the bag. Kickboxing was always a way you used to clear your head ever since the death of your parents during high school. It didn’t hurt that it kept you on top of your game during hunts, as well. Bouncing on the balls of your feet, you threw a few warm up punches before twisting and landing a kick halfway up the bag. Slowing your breathing, you kept a steady pace for another twenty minutes. What you hadn't noticed was Dean making his way into the gym, and leaning against the wall, captivated by the intensity of your workout.

    Leaning against the bag, you threw a few more weak punches before crashing to your knees and letting the tears that you had been fighting for the last few days fall. You cried for the men lost, you cried for your best friend, and you cried for the loss that you were at against this impending evil. Your chest was heaving up and down when you felt a familiar pair of arms wrap around your waist, pulling you back into a firm chest. Giving in, you let yourself be consumed by the smell of leather and whiskey, all while muttering how you should have been there. Dean knew how much it hurt you to lose Bobby the first time, and he couldn’t imagine what you were going through now. You had always been close to Bobby, you were the daughter that he said he always wanted. To make matters worse, someone who you both called a best friend was also stolen from you, and wasn’t going to be coming back again. So you sat like that, being cradled in Dean’s arms, for Lord knows how long. After you managed to calm down, you excused yourself to go take a much needed shower, to which Dean told you he would be at the war table with Sam, trying to figure out one last battle plan.

    Heading out of the shower room, you felt defeated. You didn’t know if it could get any worse from here, but for the first time in your life, you actually sat and prayed that it wouldn’t. Walking towards the war table, you came across Sam and Dean in a heated argument. Clearing your throat to gain their attention, Sam’s face lot up and turned to Dean. “Finally, someone with some sense. Y/n, talk some sense into your idiot boyfriend.”

    “Dude, she’s gonna see the importance in this.”

    “Dean,” you interrupted, “let Sam finish.”

    “Thank you, y/n,” Sam said, rolling his eyes at his older brother. “Dean figured out a grand scheme to get the god back into the empty and keep him there for good.”

    Pausing, you looked between the boys with wide eyes, “and that’s a problem how? Isn’t that what we want to do?”

    “Here’s the problem, someone has to be in the empty for it to work,” Sam finished, and the reality of Dean’s plan hit you like a ton of bricks. Turning to your boyfriend, you took in the fact that he was hanging his head, his shoulders tense as he gripped the chair in front of him as if his life depended on it.

    “Dean?”

    Cutting you off, Deans gravelly voice came out harsher than he intended it to, “Y/n, you don’t get it. This is our only option!” He paused, waiting for you to yell at him, shove him, anything that would prove how angry he thought you would be. However, you just took a step back with tears running down your cheeks, something Dean only ever saw in private, as he was the only person that you would allow to see you cry.

    “No, Dean. This is your only option.” And with a shaky breath, you headed back to your shared bedroom. One in the room, you ran your fingers over one of the few photos of you two; taken on your first date, without you knowing, by Sam. While you two had yelled at him in the moment, it became one of your most prized possessions. Running your fingers over the frame one last time, you picked up the picture and chucked it across the room, the glass shattering all over the floor. Combing a shaky hand through your hair, you opened your dresser and began to throw your clothes onto the bed.

    A knock at the door caused you to pause for a moment, but you carried on ignoring the noise. A split second later, Dean poked his head in the room, eyes widening when he realized what you were doing. Taking a stride over to the bed, he began collecting your clothes and stuffing them back into the drawers they came from, pleading with you, “Y/n, please, sweetheart, Don’t leave. Yell, scream, I don’t care. But don’t leave, not now.”

    Trying to suppress your anger, you take the clothes that he’s holding and throw them back onto the bed. Refusing to make eye contact, you rummage under the bed for a duffel bag. “So it’s okay for you to leave, but not me?” Before Dean could comment, you cut him off, “and yes, this is different. Wanna know how? You know i’ll still be alive, whereas you’ll end up dead. Again.” And with that, you cover your face with your hands, sitting on the edge of the bed, attempting to not cry for the third time today.

    Kneeling in front of you, Dean takes your hands in his and shakes his head, looking you in the eyes. Letting out a chuckles, he says “you’re supposed to be talking me out of this.” Looking him in the eyes, you can practically see him begging you to be angry. But you weren’t; you were tired, wanting all of this to just come to an end once and for all.

    “That’s the problem, I always have to talk you out of it. Selling your soul? Taking on the Mark of Cain? Saying yes to Michael? I always try to talk you out of it, and you always end up doing it anyways. I can’t see you not come back next time Dean. I’m done.” With a sigh, you see him on the verge of tears. Deciding to continue before you lose your nerve, you lean forward and kiss him on the forehead. “Dean, I love you so much. But I can only go through this so many times.” Standing up, you finish packing your duffel, Dean kneeling in the same place he was earlier.

    “Please don’t try to find me.” When Dean dropped his shoulders, you took it as your cue to leave. Saying goodbye to Sam was difficult, however he understood why you were leaving and you agreed to stay in touch. With a hug, you climbed into your ‘68 Firebird and saluted goodbye to the bunker. Knowing you may never get the chance to again, you pulled out your phone and sent one last text to the love of your life.

    “Goodbye, Dean.”

[hypatia-s]

Zagene headcannon #1

I went way, way, waaaayyyy overboard. I’m sorry. This was supposed to be short and sweet and became a monster that wouldn’t let me go.

Zach started working at Buzzfeed.

Keith met Zach. It was love at first sight. Keith adopted him on the spot. (So did Becky, once she was introduced to him)

When Ned was pitching the idea of the ‘Try Guys’, knowing that he wanted both Keith and Eugene in the boat, they were left asking who could fill in for a fourth member, to compensate for all of their over-the-top personalities.

Keith suggested Zach. Zach didn’t even have the option of refusing. He used the sad muppet face. Zach is weak for the sad muppet face.

Ned met Zach. It was love at first sight. Ned adopted him on the spot. (So did Ariel, once she was introduced to him)

Eugene met Zach. It wasn’t love at first sight (though no fault of Zach’s - Eugene didn’t like most people). He mostly thought that no one was so much of a cinnamon roll in real life. Also, he was pretty sure that Zach was the most harmless person he’s ever met.

Then, Eugene got to know Zach, actually know him, and discovered that he was wrong about all of his initial preconceptions of Zach. So fucking wrong. He has a long list compiling the many reasons explaining how wrong he was, but, for summarizing purposes, he mostly groups them into six categories.

First, Zach was actually a precious cinnamon roll and too pure for this world. Didn’t have a mean bone in his tiny body, and even when he was a dick, it was always unintentional. If pointed out to him that he had been a dick, the guilt would eat him alive.

Second, Zach was definitely *not* harmless. No. He was fucking *dangerous*, and he had secret weapons and knew how to use them ruthlessly, even against hardened and cynical men like Eugene. The disappointed, sad eyes were the worst thing ever. *Ever*. Eugene hadn’t felt that bad about unintentionally hurting anyone in his life. Fuck Zach.

Third: Zach had this thing about hugging people. He loved hugs and cuddles, and had no qualms about forcing you to enjoy them.

Which lead to fourth: he had gotten Eugene used to his quota of hugs and physical affection. He even had gotten used to sharing his ‘Zach cuddling time’ with Keith, because Keith was also this gangly, tall, care bear that felt tempted to hug Eugene is he stood still for too long.

And which, unfortunately, also led to fifth: Zach came to rely on him, to confide in him, to be his friend, one of his best friends. It felt weird. It felt nice. It felt like Eugene wanted to hand Zach the moon and the sun on a silver plate and then slay a dragon – not actually slay, because Zach would get sad to see an animal harmed, but you get the drift. When Zach asked him – specifically him – to accompany him while he got his first shot with his new medicine, Eugene felt some kind of rush actually that disconnected him from reality for a couple of seconds. He hadn’t felt so honoured in a long, long time.

And, most disastrously, sixth: Zach adopted Bowie. Bowie was one of the cutest puppies in existence. Eugene did actually fall in love with Bowie at first sight and adopted him as nephew on the spot (and so did Pesto and Emma. Particularly Pesto).

No one can fault Eugene. Zach and Bowie together are too much cuteness to be born and come unscathed. He’s only human.

Summary: Eugene met Zach. It wasn’t love at first sight for did he adopt him on the stop, but that didn’t matter because Zach kept chipping at his cynicism and by the time Eugene realized, he was so soft about him he didn’t know what to do with himself.

Eugene is a hot mess and doesn’t quite know how to deal with it. Ned thinks it’s hilarious. Keith thinks it’s adorable. Their producer think’s it’s sad and pathetic and Eugene, you’re a sex god, put your shit together man. Zach doesn’t think at all because he’s the most oblivious idiot when it comes to these things, thank whatever deity looks out for messed up pansexual Korean men who have confused feelings for their best friends.

Adam commiserates with their producer: “I get you. I work with Steven and Andrew. I get you *so much*.” Their producer answers: “No, you only see them on dates. I’ve locked them together in a room. I’ve gotten them drunk. I’ve forced them to share bedroom – and bed. I put them on the fucking polygraph and requested that Keith and Ned interrogate Eugene about it, and try to make him jealous. Eugene takes him on dates on their free days. I’ve made them to rub oil over the others’ naked body. I’ve made them rub the oil while *drunk*. It’s past the point of sad. The point of sad is so far behind where we are know it’s not even a speck in the horizon.”

One day, Zach’s sister comes to town to spend a week with her older brother. Try Guys and respective wives are invited. They have lunch in a restaurant recommended by Andrew and Adam, and enjoy a good time. When Eugene drops them off at Zach’s house (Zach had drunk three beers and was in no condition to drive), she comments on how glad she is that Zach finally found love; he seems so much happier for it.

Eugene is crushed. Doubly: first, because Zach found someone (how could he not? He’s the most adorable being on the planet and he will fight you on this), and second, because he had no idea and Zach didn’t confide this in him.

While Eugene is internally having a breakdown, Zach is smiling happily (and drunk, he’s wasted), and has entered ‘babble mode’: “Yeah, Eugene’s the best boyfriend ever. He’s respecting my boundaries so much, having so much patience while I test things out and get comfortable with physical intimacy.”

Eugene is confused because ????? Brain is blue-screen-of-death-ing right now. Attempts to re-start are failing.

Zach kisses his cheek messily and stumbles inside, and his sister pats his shoulder smiling brightly. “He talks so well about you – He says you’re the nicest person he’s been in a relationship with. Also, the one with the best ass. Have a good night!” She smirks sassily (same sassy smile as Zach’s – oh, she must be devastating when flirting) and saunters inside.

And that is how Eugene, one day, realizes he’s been in a relationship with Zach for at least four months. He’d feel terrible about his own obliviousness if it weren’t for the fact that he’s so in cloud nine he’s initiating hugs with random people on his own.

Producer says it’s even worse than the pathetic pining from before: heart eyes Eugene looks weird as fuck on camera and the shoots take forever, because Eugene keeps trailing off while smiling mushily at Zach and they have to repeat every single scene at least thrice.

[joeybelle]

Starlight - Chapter 23

Relationship: Cassian Andor / Original Female Character

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Strong language, Background character death, Blood, Violence

Tags: Pre-Rogue One, Romance, Feels, Hurt-Comfort, Canon-compliant Violence, Blood, Background character death

The blaster pistol hung heavily on her belt. The whirring sound of the ship’s engine as it exited hyperspace was almost deafening, but Cora was thankful for it somewhat muffled the ringing in her ears. Her hand clutched the support railing at the back of the ship, trying to keep her balance.

She had forgotten how incredibly confining transport ships could be, with more people crammed inside than it would be comfortable. Some silent, some nervously chatting, they were all waiting for the incoming battle. She never thought that she’d be sent into action so soon after the assessment, but this is what she’d signed up for and this wasn't the time to get cold feet. Not when people were dying.

The orders came as she was changing some bandages in the med bay. They told her one of their outposts had been attacked by imperial forces and were currently under siege, so they called for backup. Some of them were gravely wounded, and that’s where she came in. She dropped everything, changed into her combat uniform and joined the others in the crowded transport ship. She was the only medic.

She knew that by the time they reached the planet’s atmosphere she was already deathly pale, but fortunately her hands weren’t shaking and she didn’t feel like she was going to faint anytime soon. Which was great, because she didn’t really want to embarrass herself in front of all of those soldiers. She really wished it was just her and Cassian, like on the other missions she had been part of, so she didn’t have to fear being an embarrassment. She’d even take K2’s snarky comments any day.

Her comm buzzed and she heard Cassian’s voice, breaking her train of thought. “Are you alright?” he asked, sounding weary.

“Yes,” she replied, her voice cracking a little. “Yes, I’m ok.” She repeated, this time making an effort to control her voice and sound up to the task at hand.

“Don’t worry too much. I’ve just landed and with the other two incoming ships we have enough troops to win this quick and clean.”

She sighed, relieved. He was going to be there after all. It was a small relief, but comforting nonetheless. “Did you manage to contact the ones inside?” she asked, not wanting to waste too much time with her own feelings. She had a job to do after all.

“Yeah, they’ve got a few wounded. Their medic’s down. Come find me once you land and I’ll put you in direct contact with them.”

“Understood.”

“Good luck, Doctor.”

“Good luck to you too, Captain.”

The connection ended with a faint buzz. She looked at the soldiers around her. They were readying their weapons, tension almost tangible in the air. She held tight onto the railing and closed her eyes once the ship entered the dense atmosphere, wishing she were still at home, changing bandages and not this close to a battlefield.

The sudden rush of air that hit her in the face once the main hatch was opened felt wet and warm, making it hard to breathe. It reminded her of the first time the landed on Yavin 4, and how hard she adjusted to it. This time it felt worse, so Cora gritted her teeth and got off the ship.

She found Cassian near the command post. How they managed to install one so quickly, along with a portable med bay, Cora didn’t know, but she was impressed. With their huge, well equipped battleships, the Empire usually didn’t bother.

“What’s the plan, Captain?” she asked, joining Cassian in one of the tents. He looked just as tired as he sounded, and Cora made an effort to stop herself from hugging him in front of everyone.

“Doctor.” He greeted her with a curt nod, but then turned around to another captain that Cora only vaguely recognized. “They have maybe three stormtrooper units and a heavy weapons squad,” he started explaining, and although Cora wasn't sure if this was addressed to her too, she stuck around listening. “Their air support has already been neutralized by our X-wings, but that still leaves a lot of troops between us and the outpost. We have Garris pushing on the right side, but I want you,” he said, gesturing towards the captain, “to take your team and try to blow up the laser cannon on the left. The shield is weakened, but still holding and we can’t do anything with it shooting at the troops.” The captain nodded and hurriedly left the tent.

“What do I do?” Cora asked, once they were alone again. She could hear the noise coming from the battlefield, but since the tent was a little bit sheltered, she couldn't see it. She tried very hard not to imagine what horrors were happening just a few meters ahead.

“You stay back for now,” he said, fiddling with a comm unit. “You’ll have to wait here until we manage to secure the area and get the injured out.”

“Is there no way to get me inside before that?”

He looked up at her and frowned. “They’re surrounded. Unless you know of a way to teleport you inside, there’s nothing I can do.” The tone he used was really derisive and Cora scoffed. She realized that her questions may have sounded stupid, and he was definitely tired and stressed, but there was no need to treat her with contempt. “And even then, I still wouldn’t let you go in as long as they’re still shooting at the base.”

“So they’re still shooting at the people trapped inside?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think we could get to them in time?”

“We’ll do our best.”

It didn’t sound very convincing, but she knew Cassian was doing everything he could to get them out safely. She just hated that she had to wait around doing nothing while people could be dying. She really wished she could do more. Even joining the soldiers on the battlefield sounded better than just doing nothing. Unfortunately, she knew that would only get her injured before she could actually be of any use.

She sighed. “Is there a way for me to contact them, at least?” If she couldn’t physically be there, at least she wanted to be kept in the loop. Maybe she could somewhat remotely manage the situation.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m working on,” he said, and continued working on the comm.

It didn’t take long for him to make the connection and put Cora in contact with the men on the other side of the war zone. Unfortunately, the kid that picked up didn’t seem to understand much of what she was telling him and in his nervousness wasn’t being very helpful.

“So the man shot in the leg,” she started asking for for the third time, before he interrupted her once again.

“He’s bleeding a lot,” he almost cried in the comm, and although her heart was breaking for him, she really needed to know if his femoral artery had been severed. By the way he described everyone, the man with the wounded leg was the one that required immediate medical attention.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard she tried explaining to him how to tell arterial blood apart from venous one, he was way too agitated to follow her directions. She covered her eyes with her hand and almost wailed in despair. The feeling of powerlessness was overwhelming. She needed to do something.

“Is there no one else around you that can talk to me?” she eventually said, seeing that the kid was losing all remaining composure, and she didn’t have time for that.

“Hello,” said a woman’s voice, after a few precious moments of silence. “Captain Harper here. How can I help you Doc?”

“The man shot in the leg, is he still alive? Is he still conscious?”

“Yes,” she replied, her voice calm and collected. “He’s still conscious, but not looking too good, He’s losing a lot of blood.”

“Do you know how to make a tourniquet to stop the bleeding?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Already on it.”

Cora breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe they would survive until they were rescued, but who knew when that would happen. Cassian had left immediately after handing her the comm, and now he was nowhere to be seen. She didn’t need him to babysit her, but she would have liked to be kept in the loop. Like this, just waiting for things to happen while people bled to death, she was useless.

“What’s the situation in there?” Cora asked the captain, hoping she would get a glimpse of what was happening behind the outpost’s walls.

“Umm… Pretty bad, I’d say. But we can see you guys advancing. I hope you can get here in time,” she said with a sigh, and Cora felt her heart sink.

“We’ll make sure to be there in time,” Cora said, full of determination, hoping the woman couldn’t tell that she was faking it. “Do you know the place well, Captain?”

“No, not really, I’ve only been stationed here a couple of weeks.”

“Is there anyone there that knows the outpost better?”

“Yes, and I might be able to put you though,” she said, and Cora thanked her.

“Lieutenant Berav speaking. Ma’am, how can I help you?” a man’s voice replied after more moments of silence.

“Is there any way for me to get inside the outpost, before our troops arrive there?” She didn’t want to waste any more time, knowing that any wasted second might cost some of the injured their lives. “A different entrance, maybe?” she asked, feeling like it was a stupid question the moment the words left her mouth.

“There may be,” he replied to Cora’s surprise. “There’s a hidden trench on the left side of the battlefield. The entrance is right next to that tall, red boulder. It could offer you enough shelter to get to the gates, but you have to be fast. Plus, you’ll be fully exposed before entering it, and upon exit, so I don’t think it’s a viable option unless you can somehow distract them.”

Cora walked around the tent, closing in to the area where she could hear blasters shooting. A single look at the battlefield made her skin crawl and she had to force herself to keep looking, so she could identify the area described to her.

“The one close to the cannon?” she asked, scanning the area.

“Yeah, that one,” the man said, and for a brief moment his voice was covered by the sound of an explosion. Cora almost ran back to the safety of the tents. “The entrance is right next it, you’ll be able to jump into it quickly. But it won’t give you cover for long.”

Cora sighed. “I’ll see what I can do. Please keep everyone alive until I get there.”

“Please tell them to hurry. I don’t know how much longer we can hold the lines.” His words felt like a dagger stabbing though her heart. He sounded exhausted and almost hopeless when he broke the connection, and Cora felt like it was imperative to try and do something.

She had to find Cassian. He’d know what to do. He wouldn’t abandon his comrades, surrounded by enemies, wounded and exhausted. If he knew about the trench maybe he’d send her and a small team to take care of the soldiers trapped inside, until the rest of the troops could defeat the Imperial forces. But the problem was, where to find him? The clock was ticking.

Asking around the makeshift base, she eventually found him near the front-line, talking on the comm.

“What are you doing here?” he hissed, when he saw her approaching. “I told you to wait right where I left you.”

“I talked to the people inside,” she said, ignoring his harsh tone. She expected him to be annoyed, after all her was under a lot of pressure. “They have at least five wounded, one of which is bleeding profusely. I’m not sure we’ll make it in time for me to be able to save their lives.”

“We’re doing whatever we can,” he said, looking at the battlefield, suddenly looking a lot older than he was. Cora felt really sorry for him. He was carrying the weight of the battle on his shoulders and she was certain he would blame himself for every death. In that moment she really wished she could be more useful to him, carry a bit of this weight herself, but she was just a doctor so the only thing she could do was to try and save lives.

“There’s a hidden trench that crosses the battlefield,” she said, swallowing the lump in her throat as his head snapped back to look at her. “It could give us enough cover to get to them before the fight is over. I could get to them in time,” she said, making an effort to keep her voice steady, not betraying how scared she actually was.

“That’s out of the question.”

“Cassian, just listen.”

“No,” he cut her off, without making any effort to listen to her idea. “I know what you are talking about, and there’s no way of getting there in one piece.”

“But if we created a diversion…”

“Cora, it goes straight through the middle of the battlefield, you’d be killed in minutes. I’m not risking your life by letting you join the fight.”

Any other day she would have agreed with him. After all, she knew she wasn’t ready to fight, and she’d either die or get someone else killed, but today it was a different story. She had left the Empire because she couldn’t stand to watch people die while she did nothing about it. She couldn’t do it now either, even if it meant risking her own life to save others. In the time spent with the Rebellion she had gotten really attached to the fighters, and even though she didn’t personally know the men inside, she felt responsible for them.

“But people are dying, Cassian,” she pleaded with him, hoping that he would soften up, but his reply was even harsher than before.

“This is a war, Doctor,” he said, and she could feel his severe tone cutting like a knife. “People are dying every day. You’ve got to get used to it. Now go back to the tent, and wait there until someone comes for you. It’s an order,” he said, looking her in the eye, his dark, piercing gaze making her soul hurt. “Understood?”

“Yes, Captain,” she replied, her voice cracking a little. “I’ll wait in the back until everyone is too dead for me to make any difference.”

Cora turned around and walked away, not waiting for any other reply from Cassian. She was angry and hurt. She didn’t really understand how he could be so passive in a situation like this. He never struck her as the type of person who would wait and not try every solution possible, no matter how risky, even if that meant putting himself in danger. He was a man of action, she was sure of that. Waiting was killing him, just as much as it was killing her, but she was certain he was trying to shelter her. He didn’t trust her to do it. To be honest, she didn’t really trust herself either, but right now wasn’t the time for doubts. It was time for action.

But he had given her an order, and there was nothing she could do besides going back to the tent and waiting for the battle to end. Disheartened, she sat on a chair and grabbed the comm.

After a few moments of fiddling she was able to access the outposts frequency once again. This time, Captain Harper picked up.

“How are the injured soldiers?” Cora asked, feeling like she was going to get a headache soon.

“Still injured,” the woman replied, a little snappy, before she realized what she had said and softened her tone. “I am sorry, Doctor,” she apologized. “It’s been a long day. They’re not doing good. None of us is. Two more people have been shot. I don’t think we can hold the line much longer.”

“We are doing everything we can to get to you,” Cora assured her, although she wasn’t convinced they were doing enough—that she was doing enough. “We’ll get to you soon.”

“I hope so,” the captain said, but Cora felt there was no more hope in her voice.

A loud explosion broke the connection and made Cora jump to her feet and run to the edge of the safe zone. The cannon that the rebel army still hadn't been able to neutralize, had pierced the wall surrounding the outpost, sheltering them from direct fire. Right now, the Imperial troops could just pour through the opening and kill everyone inside. She had to do something. But before she had time to move away, another explosion shook the ground. Once the smoke and dust cleared a little she saw that the imperial blaster cannon had been taken out. By the X-wings or by the ground troops, she didn’t know, but it seemed to be a little too late for the people inside, since most of their defenses were already down. However, this could provide enough of a distraction for her to reach the injured.

Cora took the comm and accessed their frequency one last time. “Are you guys alright?” she asked a pretty shaken Captain Harper.

“We’ve had better days…” she replied, sounding incredibly tired. “We’ve lost some more men. A couple more are incapacitated, but we’re standing our ground.”

“Can you offer me some cover? I’m coming though the trench,” Cora said, without even thinking about the dangers, or that she was in fact breaking a direct order, or that Cassian would be pissed even if it wasn’t one.

“We’ll try. Good luck, Doctor.” No, she wasn’t thinking about any of those things when she fastened the medipack on her back, pulled out her blaster, and readied a flash grenade.

She took a pair of macrobinoculars off the table and scanned the area. She could see the exact place where she had to enter the trench and the general direction she should be headed to. She could see the Imperials retreating, now that their cannon was no longer functional. Now was her chance, she thought, as she placed the binoculars back on the table and started hurrying towards the battlefield.

Once she reached the edge of the field, she started running, before she had the time to think it through and change her mind. She ran between soldiers, she ran between blaster shots and flames. She wasn’t sure how she’d managed to reach the trench, but she did, in one piece. She only allowed herself a moment to just stop and breathe, because every second she was wasting could mean that someone’s chances to survive dwindled. She crouched, trying to stay as hidden as possible, and hurried through the trench. It felt like it was never ending. She could hear fighting above her head, the strident sound of the blaster shots sending cold shivers down her spine. Every explosion shook her to the core, making her fear that it would be the last thing she’d hear. She was frightened, but she kept going.

Eventually, the trench opened, leaving her exposed once again. She could see some stormtroopers blocking her way to the outpost. The fastest way to get inside, she figured, would be through the hole blasted in the wall by the canon, but even so she would have to get past the troopers first. She squeezed the grenade in her hand. If only she could throw it hard enough to reach them, it would provide enough of a distraction for them to not notice her running around them, she hoped.

But before she had time to panic, someone started shooting at them. She didn’t know if it was coming from inside the outpost—the soldiers trapped in there offering the much needed cover—or someone from behind her that just wanted to take them down, but she didn’t wait to find out. She started running again, heading for the opening in the wall. She ran so close to the troopers, they they could kick her in the face if they noticed her. She took out the pin and dropped the flash grenade at their feet, stopping them from shooting her in the back as she ran past them.

The sound of the grenade detonation was lost in the cacophony of noises on the battlefield. The only thought present in Cora’s head was to get to safety, everything else was a blur. She kept running until she reached the hole in the wall. Strong arms helped her climb though and suddenly she was out of the line of fire.

“It’s good to see you in one piece, Doctor. It was quite a crazy move you pulled out there,” said a woman, that by her voice and accent Cora identified her as Captain Harper.

“I’m glad to be here,” she replied, deciding that it wasn’t quite the time to think about the crazy thing she had done.

However, Cassian coming through the same hole she did, looking angry and disheveled, looking her straight in the eye made the blood freeze in her veins. She knew she’d fucked up, so she looked away, deciding that she’d do her job first, and face the consequences later. “Where are the injured?” she asked Captain Harper.

She was guided through a poorly lit corridor to a large room. Laying around or slumped against the wall there were nine people, with varying degrees of injuries, moaning and breathing heavily. The air felt heavy with the smell of blood and death.

Cora pulled on a pair of sterile gloves and went to work. A couple were unconscious so she hurried to look at them first. One was already dead. The medic, she found out from the insignia on her uniform. She had a pretty ugly wound on her neck, which meant she’d bled out quickly. She had been dead a while, maybe before they’d even landed. There was nothing Cora could do for her, besides covering her with a sheet.

She moved on. The other unconscious man was the one with the injured leg. The wound was ugly, to say the least. There wasn’t much Cora could do about it but to try and find the nicked vein and stop the bleeding. The tourniquet was still in place, and that was the only thing keeping him alive, but by the paleness and coldness of his skin, he’d lost a lot of blood. He also had a wounded shoulder, but that seemed to be less severe. Cora took off her medipack and started working.

“It’s good to see you, Doc,” the man seated next to her said, looking at her with kind eyes. He didn’t look very good. He didn’t look good at all. When she first checked on the injured he vehemently shooed her away, assuring her his wounds were only superficial, but now that she looked at him again she started to doubt that. “Were you able to cross through the trench? I can still hear them fighting outside.”

“Lieutenant Berav?” He nodded weakly and Cora’s looked him over. He was dirty, dust staining his skin and pieces of rock stuck in his beard. His left hand was tucked into his jacket and there was red staining his lips. His breathing was laboured. He didn’t look fine at all. “Would you please remove your jacket for me, Lieutenant?” Cora asked, keeping her voice as steady as possible, while she fixed an IV sleeve on the unconscious man.

“I’m fine, Doctor, don’t you worry about me,” the older man said with a smile.

“You don’t look fine at all,” she said, working as fast as she could on the other man’s leg. Time was ticking and she knew she couldn’t take care of all of them. She had only two hands and it wasn’t enough. “Could you please remove your jacket?”

The man laughed, which then turned into a coughing fit. Cora looked at him with the corner of her eye. There was more blood foaming in the corner of his mouth. He must have had blood in his lungs. She took a break from what she was doing and grabbed the lieutenant’s jacket, pulling it aside to reveal what he was hiding. The sight made her lose all the remaining colour in her face: his whole torso was full of shrapnel.

“The cannon took out the blaster turret I was using. It could have been worse,” he said and smiled, but Cora was sure it couldn’t have been worse. There was no way she could safely take out the shrapnel from the man’s chest in a poorly lit, stone room in the middle of nowhere. She could only hope that it didn’t hit any major artery and he would survive until he could be transported back to base. But even then, she still couldn’t say for sure if he’d survive.

“I’ll put you on an IV right away,” she said, still trying to stabilize the unconscious man. He had lost quite a lot of blood and she wasn’t sure, even with a tourniquet in place, that she could save his life. His leg, almost certainly not. “I have some plasma on hand…”

“Don’t bother, Doctor, I’m already a goner,” he said, with a resigned smile on his face. “Save the meds for someone who has more chances than me. And take care of the kid. Maybe he’ll survive.”

“You’ll both survive,” Cora said, but she could sense the lie in her words, as she hurriedly forced an IV sleeve over his forearm and a thermal blanket around him despite his protests.

She wasn’t sure if any of them would survive. She could still hear the fight going on outside and there was no indication that it would be over anytime soon. From time to time she could hear voices coming from the hallway, or the door, but she didn’t have the time to lift her head up and look. The Imperial troops could be pouring in any second, shooting them all dead. At least that would be quick.

“I’ll make sure you’ll all survive,” she said to herself, trying to mend the nicked vein in the younger man’s leg, his blood slowly seeping into the fabric of her tunic, staining the sleeves above her gloves.

“It’s alright, Doc, you don’t have to save everyone,” Lieutenant Berav muttered, closing his eyes. “The world is already getting colder. And darker,” he said, between shallow breaths. Cora spared only one second to look at him. His looked clammy and his lips had taken a bluish tint. Maybe if she had a little more time… But she knew she didn’t. Even with the plasma pumping into his veins she knew that for him, she had arrived too late.

“Hang in there, Lieutenant,” she said, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay.

“You know, I have a boy about his age,” he said, moving his bloody hand a little to point at the unconscious man. “He was a little kid when his mom and I broke up. She took him with her. Last time I’ve heard about them they were living in a small village near Arden. She had two more daughters. Twins.”

“You could visit them when all this is over,” Cora said without lifting her eyes. She had no idea where that place was, but there was no reason she couldn’t try and give him a little hope.

“I will visit them soon.” His voice was becoming weak and raspy, and Cora tried to hurry patching the man’s leg to try and help him too. Although she knew she couldn’t do much, she still hoped she could miraculously keep him alive until they arrived back at base. Unfortunately, there were others needing medical attention too, and she knew she would have to prioritize. “They’re waiting for me on the other side,” he whispered, and she felt her heart break.

Cora didn’t stop—couldn’t stop—working, but she could feel the familiar pang in the back of her throat, when tears were threatening to fall. She tried focusing on what she was doing, because any little mistake could cost someone’s life.

“There was a stream in front of our house,” he spoke after a short pause, his words already slurring. He kept his eyes closed and Cora forced herself to not look at him too long, for she could already feel the tears running down her face. “There was… a beautiful stream…”

He was silent after that. Cora didn’t know exactly when he passed away, nor did she want to. When she had finally managed to stop the hemorrhage in the other soldier’s leg, and stabilize him enough so that she was sure he would survive being transported back to base and then looked at Lieutenant Berav, he was already dead. She pulled up the blanket to cover his face and moved on to the next patient.

The smell of blood and disinfectant was rapidly filling the room. It had stained her sleeves and tunic, seeping slowly though the fabric until it reached her skin. She could feel cold sweat forming on her forehead, and her palms were clammy under the gloves, but she couldn’t stop. She was running on adrenaline only, her world having narrowed to the task ahead of her. She kept stitching and patching and balancing fluids, completely oblivious to what was happening around her.

At some point someone she didn’t recognize told her they were starting to take the injured to the ships and that she was needed outside, where more wounded soldiers awaited her. She did her job, even when her hands started to hurt and her knees bruised from kneeling on the gravel. She could still hear it in her head, the man’s last whisper. ‘There was a stream in front of our house.’ She wondered what she’d be thinking of before she died. Would life flash before her eyes or would she be stuck in a memory from her childhood? Was her mother waiting for her on the other side?

She wiped her still tear stained face with her sleeve, before realizing the only thing she had done was to smear it with blood. She wanted to rip off her uniform and throw it away, to shower until she could get the smell of blood out of her nostrils. To try and wash away the guilt with a bottle of something strong and mind-numbing.

She looked around for Cassian, but he was nowhere to be seen. She felt a pang in her heart at the thought that he could have died in the fire, but she made an effort to push it away. No, he wouldn’t die that easily, he couldn’t die that easily. He’d always survive, and come to her to fix his wounds every time. She pulled off her blood stained gloves and looked at her hands. There was blood on them too, stuck in the creases made by her skin and under her nails. She pulled on a new pair and moved on.

She spent the whole journey back to base with her eyes glued to a monitor, hoping that the soldiers would survive long enough to get home. She felt powerless, watching the beeps and the numbers. She had no idea how many had died, she’d stopped counting, deciding to focus on those who had survived instead, but she couldn't push away the thought that maybe if she had gotten to them faster, and she’d somehow worked harder and if she’d been better, more would have survived. Maybe she could have stabilized the lieutenant enough to get him back to base. The logical part of her brain knew there was no way she could have done that, that she had to choose which one to save, and the younger soldier with the leg hemorrhage was the logical choice, since he had more chances to live.

But she still felt responsible for every death on that battlefield. She still blamed herself for not being able to save everyone, even if that meant somehow cloning herself. The blood was drying on her uniform, making it hard and scratchy. She couldn’t wait to rip it off and take a shower, hoping to get rid of the smell. The everpresent smell of blood.

Back at the base, she followed the gurneys back to the building, but was almost instantly relieved of her duties. She insisted that she would help in the med bay, but Doctor Crane didn’t even want to hear it. She was tired and her hands hurt, but she was still running on adrenaline so she was sure she wouldn’t be able to relax anytime soon, so why not try and be useful, but the doctor dismissed her anyway.

Lost in the sea of people, she felt completely out of place. She felt so drained of energy, like her soul had been sucked out of her body. The only thing she wanted to do was to crawl into a ball and cry herself to sleep. She turned around to head to her room when she saw Cassian striding her way his face contorted into a mask of anger. It had been a very long time since she’d seen him this angry, so she knew she fucked up.

“What have you done?” he barked at her, but Cora could tell he was making an effort to stay composed. He was furious. “I specifically told you to stay behind.”

“My job,” she snapped. “It entails saving lives, not waiting around,” she mumbled and kept walking, with Cassian on her heel. She didn’t have the strength to deal with him yet so she tried getting away.

“You disobeyed a direct order.”

“It was a stupid ass order,” she raised her voice, turning around to look him in the eye. “Every second I spent waiting around lowered their chances of survival and you know it! I had to do something.”

“We were already doing something,” he almost yelled at her, but then lowered his voice, taking a step closer to her. “We were doing something. We were doing our job, and yours was to listen to my order and wait until we cleared the area.”

“My job is to save lives,” she spat in his face. “Every life lost on that battlefield is on me! You purposefully ignored a way of getting inside. Two people died because I didn’t get there in time.”

“Everyone on that battlefield is my responsibility!” he whisper-shouted. “Including you, and including the people that could have died while you pulled a stupid move like that.” Cora’s jaw dropped. “Oh, you didn’t think about that, did you?” His voice had turned threatening as he took a step closer. “You didn’t think about the people that could have died trying to protect you. No? Did you know that the only reason you made it there in one piece is because I followed you and shot everyone that had their weapons pointed at you? Did you even notice how close you were to dying? Did you?”

She hadn’t so she kept her mouth shot and swallowed the lump in her throat. She felt tears starting to form once again.

“Of course you didn’t. You were too busy playing hero.”

“I wasn’t trying to play hero,” she yelled back suddenly finding her voice, but also feeling the first tear sliding down her cheek. “I just… I just wanted to save everyone. You don’t understand…”

“I don’t understand? How do you think I would have felt if I had watched you die today!” he yelled and his voice faltered for a second. “How many people would you have saved if you were killed?” Cora didn’t reply, as tears were already streaming down her face. “You’re a doctor. Your life is more important to the Rebellion than ten soldiers—than a hundred soldiers! Because you can potentially save hundreds. But you can’t save anyone if you’re dead.”

“I know,” she yelled back and wiped the tears away, only to notice the blood on her hands once again. She straightened her back and curled her hands into fists, swallowing a sob. “I just can’t stand around and wait, biting my nails while people die just because you and the Rebellion are afraid to lose me!”

“Well, you’re going to have to,” he said, taking a few steps back. “Actually no, you won’t. No one’s going to let you go back on a battlefield after disobeying a direct order. You’d be too much of a liability,” he said, and the calm, yet biting tone of his voice hurt. “Consider yourself grounded.”

“Fuck it, I don’t care,” she spat back, but she cared. It hurt to the bone, and although she knew she had fucked up, she still thought Cassian was wrong.

“Go back to your quarters and stay there until I try and sort this mess,” he said, turning around and leaving her there.

Cora leaned on the wall and took a few deep breaths trying to stop the tears, but it was in vain. She trudged back to her quarters and collapsed into a chair, sobbing into her hands. When she managed to stop crying long enough to rip off her uniform and go into the bathroom, she looked in the mirror and noticed the smeared blood on her face. There were dried droplets on her face and hair and more blood smeared by her hands and tears. She felt like vomiting, but made an effort to get into the shower.

She cried in the shower too, vigorously scrubbing away all the blood. She could still feel it on her hands, wet and warm, seeping into her skin no matter how long she scrubbed. Once she was tired, she got out of the shower, got dressed and wrapped herself into a blanket and cried some more.

The anger slowly died down and so did the adrenaline. Now that she was thinking a little more clearly, she realized what a stupid thing she had done. She had disobeyed a direct order, which she knew would instantly kick her out of the military—in her case, send her back to the cell—but more than that she hadn’t thought about how Cassian would feel seeing her run like an idiot right across the middle of the battlefield. She hadn't thought about him at all. Of course he was responsible for everyone and of course he would try to find the best solution. He cared about everyone just as much as she did, maybe more, but he was a lot more level headed than she was. And she just put his life in danger by not thinking of any of that.

She wrapped herself tighter in the sheets, shivering as if she was cold. She wished she could fall asleep to forget about the horrible day she had just lived, but whenever she closed her eyes she could either see the dying man, bleeding and talking about his stream, or Cassian’s angry face, yelling at her in the hallways.

By the time she heard a knock on the door, she was sobbing once again. She got up and wiped away her tears, wishing she’d just misheard, and everyone would just leave her the fuck alone for the day. She hoped that they’d at least let her sleep in her own bed tonight before sending her to prison. Another part of her really wished she could see Cassian, to find a little comfort in his presence, but after the argument in the hallway she was afraid of what he’d say to her. When the second knock came she had to make an effort to go to the door instead of wrapping herself in blankets and pretending she wasn’t there.

Luckily it was just Cassian, no guards in sight. He didn’t seem to be angry anymore. At least not the searing hot anger she’d witnessed a few hours back, but Cora was still a little wary. She took a few steps back to let him in, and he did, letting the door close behind him. He stood awkwardly by the door, like he didn’t know if he was welcome anymore and even though he wasn’t saying anything, the apologetic look on his face was enough.

Cora made the first move, tentatively hugging him, and when he returned the hug she let out a sigh of relief and rested her head on his shoulder. They stood like that for a while, in complete silence, and Cora was finally able to calm down a bit and stop being on the brink of tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said, finally breaking the silence between them. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you,” he whispered, nuzzling into her hair.

“You were right to,” Cora mumbled, pressing her nose in his shirt. He smelled like standard issue soap. “I did some dumb shit today.”

“Yeah you did. But I still should have kept calm.” He took a deep breath. “Promise me you won’t do it again.”

Cora broke the embrace and climbed back into bed, wrapping herself in the covers and leaning on the wall. “I don’t think I’ll have the chance to do it again, since I’ll be grounded for the rest of my days.” Or jailed, one more fun than the other.

Cassian followed her and took a seat at the edge of her bed, keeping her back to her. She could see his profile illuminated by the tank on the desk, and he was silent for a few moments, seeming lost in thought. “They didn’t drop you from the program yet. You’re still an emergency field doctor.”

“How?” she asked, knowing full well there was no chance they’d let her do anything after pulling a move like that.

“I didn’t tell them you disregarded a direct order.”

“You lied for me?” she said, scooting closer to him.

Frowning, he looked at her over his shoulder like he was outraged by her supposition. “Of course not,” he denied. “I just left out a few details.”

“I think that would technically still be lying,” she said, resting her chin on his shoulder, enjoying the familiar feeling of his beard on her skin.

“Don’t make me regret it,” he said, and Cora could tell that despite the apparent calm on his face he was still rather hurt and angry. She couldn’t blame him, she would be angry too. “Don’t ever run off like that without telling me, because I won’t always be able to protect you.” It sounded half resentful, half like a plea, and Cora felt really guilty for making him feel like that, but she knew it would be really hard to just be patient and wait. “Promise me,” he said, looking at her over his shoulder.

Cora breathed deeply. He was asking a lot. If it was anyone else asking this of her she would just smile and say yes, but she knew he would never take an empty promise. And neither would she want to give him one.

“Can you promise me that you’ll never knowingly put your life in danger while on a mission?” she asked instead.

“Cora…” He looked at her with a really sad expression on her face and Cora already knew what he would say. “You know I can’t promise something like that.”

“Then I can’t promise something like that either,” she said, scooting back to her place, leaning on the wall, the blanket on her shoulders.

“This is my job, Cora…”

“Then quit.”

“What?” He looked at her with such a shocked expression on his face that Cora had to stifle a laugh.

“Quit and let’s run away. We can go someplace where no one knows who we are and live as farmers for the rest of our days. I can tell you that I’m completely useless, and a terrible roommate, but you’ll laugh your ass off watching me stumble and fall face first into bantha shit.” She was only half joking. Actually she wasn’t joking at all, but she already knew what his answer would be. If he said yes, though, she would pack her bags and leave without a second thought. “You could teach me how to cook.”

Cassian laughed and it seemed that the whole tension between them vanished into thin air. “You really know how to make it seem enticing,” he said, taking off his shoes and crawling into bed with her. Cora lifted her blanket to let him in besides her. Cassian put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer, softly kissing her temple. “At least promise me that you’ll listen to me on the next mission. I can’t take care of everyone if no one listens to me.”

Only now did Cora realize just how much responsibility was hanging on his shoulders and how much it affected him. If she felt guilty because she didn’t get so save someone, she didn’t even want to think how Cassian was feeling after losing so many people on that battlefield. Cora realized how selfish she had been, only thinking about her own feelings. She nodded and settled into his embrace.

“Did you know him?” she asked, after a few moments of silence. She could still smell blood whenever she breathed in. “Lieutenant Berav, did you know him?”

“Yeah,” Cassian answered, pulling her a little closer.

“He died,” she said, although she was certain he already knew that. “He was talking about his family before he passed.” There it was, the feeling that she was going to start crying once again, but she made an effort to swallow the tears. She knew she had cried more than enough, but for some reason she was really shaken by his death. Maybe he had been the catalyst for every emotion she had bottled over the past year to just start pouring out.

“I know,” Cassian whispered in her ear and kissed her temple once again. “I know.”

They didn’t speak much after that, settling into a comforting silence. Cora’s mind was still very loud, but slowly, the shouts became whispers and she was starting to doze off in Cassian’s warm embrace.

She had no idea when she fell asleep for good, or how they moved around so they’d sleep in a normal position. But what surprised her the most when she woke up in the morning, was Cassian’s sleeping figure still next to her in bed. She shifted a little and looked at the clock. It was close to her usual waking hour on a workday. Cassian would normally be long gone by this hour, so it was surprising to still see him sleeping. Well at least now she was convinced he did sleep, she thought shuffling back under the covers, nuzzling into his chest.

“Morning,” she said, once Cassian opened his eyes and looked at her with an unfocused gaze.

“Morning,” he mumbled, stretching. He glanced at the clock then settled back into bed and closed his eyes.

“Do you have work today?” Cora asked, praying for him to say no so they could both go back to sleep and spend a lazy day together, although she didn’t have much hope.

“Mhm,” he mumbled, and Cora pouted. “We have a mission debriefing after breakfast, but there’s no need to hurry just yet.”

“Oh,” she said, feeling her stomach sink. She had forgotten that she had to actually be debriefed on yesterday’s mission which meant talking directly to Draven and she knew how that would go, even without her fuck up. She was starting to feel sick already.

“Draven won’t be there,” Cassian said, knowing perfectly well what she was thinking. “He left last night. You should just stand your ground and you’ll be fine. I’ll be there to back you up.”

Cora felt really bad that he had to back her up when they both knew she was in the wrong, but she was incredibly thankful for his willingness to help her out.

“Thank you,” she said, kissing him on the cheek. “And I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you.”

“Yesterday, or in general?” Cora smacked him over the head and he laughed.

“It’s pretty early, should we go back to sleep?”

“What are the alternatives?”

“Well…” she said, climbing on top of him. “I might have a few ideas.”

Masterlist

[rubberduckyrye]

Detestable Character Syndrome: What it is, and why Kokichi is a victim of it.

Hi I’m going to rant about something that’s been kind of bothering me now feel free to ignore it but like…

Kokichi is very clearly a victim of a phenomenon I call “Detestable Character Syndrome.” Now what is DCS, you might ask? Well it’s a bit more complicated than what the “title” of it says.

It’s when the writer of a story writes for a character they don’t like, understand or care for, and punish the character based upon their own moral perspective.

I have said this before, but Kokichi is definitely a victim of this unfortunate writing trap. A creator of the game said they like Kokichi as a character but probably wouldn’t get along with someone like him in real life.

And yes, this counts as DCS.

A writer can absolutely love a character but give that character DCS. There can be many reasons why this happens–but in this case, it’s definitely from personal biased opinions of morality and who the writer(s) think they can get along with in real life.

But at the same time, there are writers who can write these kinds of characters without giving them DCS, so how can we tell that Kokichi is actually a character that is a victim of this phenomenon?

Let’s take a look.

Warning for DR V3 spoilers! All screenshots are from NicoB’s LP btw, give his LP a watch! He’s pretty funny, even though he falls into the trap.

The first clue that Kokichi is suffering from this phenomenon appears in the very first chapter, before the first murder. This scene has many, many clues actually, but we’ll get to that.

And yes, I’m talking about when Kaede pushes the others too far when trying to escape.

Kaede is clearly pushing everyone too hard. Everyone is tired, it’s night time by the time they finally give up, but Kaede can’t see that.

Despite the rest of the cast being thoroughly tired, in pain, and distraught, Kaede keeps trying to push them to continue. This is actually an excellent twist on the “Never giving up” trope because there is a serious danger to that mentality. That you just gotta keep trying until you get it–except that’s not how the real world works. People have limitations and feelings that need to be considered. Kaede was not being considerate of everyone else, and she was failing as a leader of the group.

Which is why Kokichi, the Ultimate Supreme Leader, steps up to knock her down a peg.

And he’s not wrong. It is a form of torture to force people to do something they just physically or mentally can’t accomplish. And this is actually a brilliant start for Kokichi’s character. He flips that “You can do it if you just believe!” trope on it’s head and steps up as a leader. While others might disagree, I believe Kokichi’s ultimate talent really is what he says it is: Being a leader. His actual “organization” might not be impressive, but later on we see Kokichi’s leadership skills shine, though right here it shines the brightest. Because unlike Kaede, he’s got everyone else’s limitations in mind. When he sees his peers suffering, he knows it’s enough. Unlike Kaede, who is too focused on the goal, Kokichi’s focused on everyone else. That’s what makes him such a good leader to be recognized as an “ultimate” leader.

Later on, we’ll see that his talent for leadership continues to be a huge part of his characterization, though quite subtle. However, this is where things immediately start to fall apart for Kokichi as he suffers from DCS, and how the writers write his peers in regards to his character. And yes, Kokichi himself is a well written character–what makes him a victim of DCS specifically, is all other characters cannot begin to understand him, get along with him, or even tolerate his existence. And that’s the problem.

When Kokichi calls Kaede out for pushing the rest of the cast too hard to complete an impossible situation…

He’s called selfish. Granted Tenko’s aggression towards male characters has been well established so this goes under the radar, but it’s a horrible sign for Kokichi’s character. That his character is the subject of the biased morality of his creators. It seems like at first, the writers are going for “Kokichi is right!” and has multiple students admit that they’re suffering. There are characters who fight this mentality, of course, as it’s natural for a high-stress situation for there to be strong opinions.

But then this happens.

Again, considering what we learn about Rantaro’s paranoia later, this can easily be an instance of characters clashing, but it isn’t. It’s the unfortunate start of a downward spiral for the writers and Kokichi’s character verses his peers. Kokichi may have made a mischievous expression when saying they should look for another option, but he never once implied that was what he meant. That they should “kill each other” instead. He even seems surprised that Rantaro immediately jumped to that conclusion. Then Tenko jumps on board with Rantaro’s statement immediately assuming the worst from Kokichi without any reason to believe Kokichi meant “We should kill each other.”

Even if he had meant to imply as such, it is obviously a manipulative lie. To see who he has to worry about. Who is paranoid, who is scared, and who is most likely to kill. Whether he meant it as Rantaro interpreted it or not, this is a huge red flag that Kokichi’s character is doomed from a writer’s standpoint.

The writers can’t see his kind of character being likeable in the real world–so no person would ever be able to get along with him, right?

And it just gets worse from here. And we’re not even out of the first scene yet.

Kokichi is being nice here. He’s offering bubble gum. Is it condescending? Maybe a little. We can’t tell without hearing Kokichi’s voice, and all we get to hear is his little “Neeheehee” laugh. A hint of mischief, perhaps, but he might as well be genuinely offering bubble gum as a peace offering to calm Tenko down, and considering he claims to be a pacifist later and prefers to solve disputes in his gang with games, this seems pretty genuine–and she threatens him instead of once considering it.

Again, Tenko is just being aggressive because he’s a guy, right? That’s what you probably assume at first, especially since they’re in such a stressful situation. It’s only natural that Kokichi butts heads with some characters.

But when it’s all characters, you know something’s just not right here.

Immediately, Kaito steps up to tell Kaede it’s not her fault–well, to be blunt, it is her fault. She’s playing the trope of the “ideal” leader, but leaders like her are more harmful than productive. Again, while this isn’t directed at Kokichi, this is still a part of the spiral downwards. Where the writers could have suggested Kokichi is an actual, capable leader, they immediately flip it on it’s head to suggest that Kaede was not wrong in her carelessness and that anyone who “complained” and blamed her was at fault. It goes under the radar since Kaito is talking about more than just Kokichi, but the writers are very clearly setting it up that Kokichi is going to be considered antagonistic for being a much better leader than Kaede and standing up to her when he realizes that she’s being careless of her followers.

Remember, Kokichi is the Ultimate Supreme Leader, and already, his leadership skills are being dismissed and questioned. Instead of letting Kaede realize she actually was being a terrible leader, the writers are pushing her to dismiss Kokichi’s words as just antagonistic nonsense. Unfortunately, everything Kokichi does will forever be seen this way, as well, by all members of the cast.

And then Shuichi reinforces this idea.

And this is when those red flags becomes evidence. I know Shuichi is trying to comfort Kaede, but he’s also being genuine. He thinks Kokichi’s words were nonsense, despite the fact that several others in the group were hurting, mentally and physically.

And he’s supposed to be the Ultimate Detective. He should have seen the pain the others were going through immediately. Even before Kokichi stood up to Kaede. This is crucial because Shuichi later on picks up on emotional changes rather quickly, aside from special instances that so happen to deal with Kokichi.

In short, Shuichi only notices emotional changes in others when Kokichi is not somehow involved. Unless it’s Kokichi causing the emotional shift in someone, and even then, Shuichi just so happens to miss positive impacts Kokichi has. He only calls out the times Kokichi negatively steers someone’s emotions and completely ignores it or dismisses it when Kokichi actually does something that positively affects someone’s character. And yes, I’m talking about Himiko’s character development at the end of the third chapter. But honestly, if I combed through every chapter to find these inconsistencies, I think tumblr would eat me. So I think I’ll just get a move on and get my point across. I feel as if this one scene alone pretty much has, but there are still more things I want to nail into this coffin before I am satisfied.

Finally, we can move on from this scene, at any rate.

But this continues to the next day in chapter 1, so we’re still not even out of the first chapter yet, and the writers are already dooming Kokichi’s character to DCS.

Kokichi’s first lines of the following day are, seemingly, words of concern for Kaede. Whether it be genuine, or more likely, a ruse to get on the topic of Kaede’s epic fail of being a leader, it still leads on to the others immediately blaming Kokichi for the events of the night prior.

If you look back to when Kokichi actually stood up to Kaede, you’ll see he’s frustrated, yes–but I’d say he never outright admits that he blamed Kaede for not noticing she was pushing them too hard. (Unlike Maki who bluntly says she blamed Kaede.) Being a real leader is hard, after all–so if his concern is genuine, then this shift to blame Kokichi and put all of the blame on Kokichi is especially heinous from a writer’s perspective.

If Kokichi’s concern isn’t genuine, then he’s calling attention to the frustrated feelings from everyone the night prior–maybe including himself as well–and saying that outright blaming Kaede was wrong of them. If his concern wasn’t genuine, it at least was a call out to the event because unresolved feelings among the group are there. Unresolved feelings can and will divide the group, and the only logical explanation that Kokichi would even bring up how mean everyone was to Kaede is to get the group to discuss their feelings openly.

It doesn’t make sense that he would draw attention to it just to mock everyone and Kaede or cause a break in the group. Especially when he knows he’s the one who stood up to her. He’s definitely one of the smartest characters in this cast, and if it was only in his interest to screw around with the rest of the cast, he knew it would immediately backfire onto him.

… Though, maybe he wanted that, to prove a point. That this group of people are willing to push the blame onto someone else rather than take responsibility for it. This does lead into a discussion where Kaede admits that she was in the wrong and apologizes for it, and Kokichi’s first reaction to this, is…

It was clear his goal was to get these feelings among the group resolved, regardless if he actually cares for the well being of Kaede and the others as a whole. Again, a shining example of his subtle but powerful skill as a leader. He knew exactly what to do and say to get the group back on the same page.

And even though he’s blamed again…

It only solidifies his skills and intentions further. Again, those emotions from the night prior couldn’t stay unresolved, and he made sure that they weren’t. He even admits that here–except yet again, he is dismissed as just lying. The cast around Kokichi is already showing signs of distrust and resentment towards Kokichi and really, there’s no real good reason for it other than he lies a lot.

And from here on out, that’s how the cookie crumbles–none of the characters come to understand or even remotely like Kokichi, and immediately assume the worst of him. Even in Kokichi’s free time events, the protagonist is left annoyed and confused by Kokichi rather than getting a full understanding for his character and personality.

That speaks volumes about this issue. Where other free time events end with the protagonist actually feeling closer to the other character, Kokichi is a character they barely change perspective on. There are a few exceptions, however any character that is seen with a decent relationship with Kokichi are seen as naive, stupid, or vulgar.

Kokichi isn’t the “Komaeda” of the bunch like players might immediately assume, and thus a lot of the mistreatment, dismissal, and negligent behaviors the rest of the characters display for Kokichi gets brushed off like it doesn’t matter because he’s “the Komaeda” of the V3 cast. The writers think he deserves the mistreatment because he is a person they themselves wouldn’t ever get along with. Because of that, he must be an unlikable person/character who needs to be choked (twice), hit, ignored, had serious head injuries neglected, and turned against in order to be redeemable/liked as a character. After all, it’d be super frustrating for a lot of people if the “bad character” didn’t get their punishments, right?

That’s the point of this huge rant, though.

Kokichi, because the writers can’t understand why anyone would like or get along with a person like him, suffers from the biased morality of his creators, and why fans of him like myself are so frustrated. It’s frustrating to see a relatively harmless person/character get so harshly abused by the cast and the writers when Komaeda, the actual antagonistic character of the DR2 cast, is treated better and he tried to kill people.

So yeah. I think the creators definitely liked Kokichi as a character–but because they didn’t like him as a human, he needlessly suffers as a person and as a character.

And the fact that this phenomenon happens so early on in the game’s narrative is frustrating and telling that this is definitely the case.

[sabrinavictoria82]

Stop with the incessant scrolling already.

Are you even paying attention to your life? I certainly wish I had paid more attention to mine. Maybe if I share a tad bit about my life you would find we have a few things in common and you would start to focus differently on your life. Everyone likes a good dramatic story. Yes? 

If I were going to be completely honest I would say my life has been anything but easy. It’s actually been quite difficult. And to some, they may say, a total shit show. But to that point, there really is no one to blame but myself. Every issue, struggle and problem that came my way had one common denominator, ME. 

Looking back I realize the roll I played in the destruction of my life and where it has led me up to this point. I am grateful for my ability to be able to think outside the box, and realize that I don’t know nearly as much as I once thought I did, and I don’t know nearly as much now as I think I do. I didn’t know it at the time but I had taken on the roll of a codependent victim pretty early in life. Having a complete lack of boundaries and absorbing people’s negative words about myself as absolute truths rather than just opinions. I was constantly seeking approval and sacrificed my own morals and comfort in fear of making other people upset with me. I ran from any kind of confrontation, and went to great lengths to avoid it. I was completely preoccupied with how other people viewed me, and completely lost sight of how I viewed myself. This lack of confidence effected my entire life and although I didn’t see it at the time, I see it clear as day now.

I remember from as young as 8 years old, I was on vacation with my parents. I had left my purple hip purse in a bathroom stall at a pit stop. I noticed about 25 minutes after leaving the pit stop, but it took me about 15-20 minutes to gain enough fortitude to say something. At this point we were almost an hour away. My parents obviously didn’t turn around. I lost all my chore money that day, $22, and I was devastated. That is my earliest memory of feeling a real loss regarding my own actions, and you would have thought that would have jolted me into gaining a voice. But it didn’t, it actually got worse as I got older.

First, in my defense, I didn’t know it then, but all human decisions are made to either avoid pain or gain pleasure. Second, to make things even more interesting, people will do much more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. Third, and this is a show stopper, it isn’t based on actual pain and pleasure, it’s based on your perception of what that pain or pleasure WILL be. Which our imaginations are wild, so our perception is incredibly flawed.

This is why I ended up in those compromising situations 1, 2, 3, 6+ times where a boy was allowed to take advantage of me. My flawed perception of the disappointment, or uncomfortable feelings I would ignite if I stood my ground caused me to allow these situations to escalate. Lacking complete confidence in myself to do (or not do) what I deemed as appropriate behavior, but allowing them to do as they pleased.  That was me. I could have done things differently, but my extreme lack of confidence coupled with my desire to people please landed me in these confusing situations.

Hopefully at this point you are having a couple ah-ha moments for yourself, but either way I’m about to add another layer right here. We are complex creatures, as humans, and we are guided by more than just pain and pleasure. We are also guided by our love languages. For those of you that have never heard of a love language, there are 5 of them. Depending on which love language you are, there are repercussions for linking up with someone who does not have your love language, or does not understand your love language. To break it down, 23% of the population is moved by Words of Affirmation, 20% needs Quality Time, 20% looks for Acts of Service, 19% needs Physical Touch and 18% needs to Receive Gifts in order to feel loved. Everyone has a dominant love language and a 2nd tier love language. My two are physical touch and acts of service. Now physical touch does not mean anything sexual, it is the EXACT opposite of anything sexual.  But you can easily see how physical touch can EASILY be misconstrued by someone who does not have that language and does not understand that language. This meant that not only was I dealing with a strong desire to touch and be touched in order to feel loved (hand holding, caressing and holding) I was also dealing with not wanting to displease anyone who took my ‘physical touch advances’ the wrong way and thus put me in several morally uncomfortable situations throughout my life. 

This is how a girl like me ends up pregnant out of wedlock before her 21st birthday. I was showing my love language of physical touch and was then too hesitant to stop the momentum of the situation in fear of hurting my partners feelings, causing discomfort or upsetting the moment. I was also too naive to know about birth control, and was too nervous to request he wear a condom. That was me. I didn’t say anything. Unfortunately, because I was not educated with ANY of this information, I was led to believe that I was just an immoral, disobedient individual who had no regard for her body, her love for a god, or her family. This created a mess for my subconscious mind with feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, shamefulness and maliciousness.  In reality I was just being a human, the human that I am, following the instincts and natural tendencies that I was born with or was born into.

Walking around as a pregnant unworthy, weak, incompetent, manipulative young women it’s easy to see how this situation could lead someone down a hole of suicidal thoughts, hate and frustration. I was alone, pregnant, uneducated in the things that mattered and was desperate to survive. I took on the identity of a victim, my life was beating me up, one hit after another. 

The following is a list of a few of those hits, because I know you don’t have all day.

Not wanting to inconvenience anyone (because at this point I viewed myself as a huge inconvenience), I bought a car on my own for the first time, I got ripped on the interest rate. I was paying a car payment for an 8 year old Toyota Camry as if it was a brand new BMW. That was me, I went in by myself, uneducated and unprepared. 

About two months after that, when my son was a few months old, I broke up with his father. Instead of sticking around and helping with bills and spending quality time with his son, he left the state and left me high and dry with an apartment, a car payment, a phone, a baby and all the bills. There are NO words for how this felt, it was overwhelming to a level that I do not have the vocabulary to express. I could have taken action to get him to pay child support. I didn’t. My victim mindset had me living in a space of victimhood. Victims don’t fight, they cower like a scared mouse in the corner.

The snow ball effect from not receiving child support eventually led to my car getting repoed, and a few months later I started to receive eviction notices on my apartment door. I didn’t even try to fight my son’s father for child support. I just let his lame excuses fill my ears over the phone as I cried and begged for any financial help. I didn’t make one phone call to one lawyer. I was a victim, giving up all my power.

This financial distress found me in the arms of a financially stable man who led me on a 13 year whirlwind disaster of a relationship. Moving in with him and over the course of a few years giving up control over my phone, my car and my job. This gave him complete power to punish me randomly throughout the week, threatening to cancel my phone service, threatening to kick my son and I out of his house and hiding the car keys with the excuse of it ‘not’ being my car. Having absolutely no foundation to base what is acceptable behavior in a situation where a man takes a broken, sinful, unworthy girl from penniless to a stable home, I accepted this as ok conduct.

Not long after that, being completely fooled by my sons father, when he asked to take my son on a summer get-a-way. Being torn between the fact that I had not received child support for 11 years and not wanting to be the one to keep my son from his father, I allowed my son to go. The day my son was due back to me, I received an email from my son’s father stating he would ‘take it from here’ and ‘thank you for taking care of him for 11 years.’ This forced me to obtain a lawyer and fight back and forth for 12 months to gain back what was already mine (full custody and child support), this drained my savings account of $15,000 and racked up a credit card bill to $3000. Looking back, I should have contacted a lawyer years ago and gained legal rights over my son to protect myself from this mess. But my false perception of what sort of pain that would cause me led me to hesitate for 11 years too long, putting me in this situation. 

That loss of $18,000 caused my entire life to be set back because that was the money I was planning to use to escape my narcissist partner at the time. My entire plan was postponed, and I had to start ALL over again from -$3,000. 

This was all me, everything I mentioned above happened because of my own misunderstandings of how I work as a human. And this is what I want to stress to you. It’s hard sometimes to take ownership of EVERYTHING that happens in your life, especially when it seems obvious that it’s someone else’s fault. It can also be difficult when you realize that the majority of your issues stem from not having the correct education or mindset to be able to make informed decisions regarding what you know about yourself and your weaknesses.  But the awesome thing about accepting complete blame for all the circumstances, no matter what they are, is that you also get to take complete ownership of all the awesome things you have done. For instance. 

There are many options for pregnant mothers now in days. I choose to give birth to my son, and I choose to keep my son. He is now 16. That was me. I did that!

Going above and beyond what was emotionally and mentally bearable to provide for my son, because his father was useless for the first 11 years of his life.  That was me. I did that!

Forgiving my son’s father and moving on with my life. Not talking bad about him to my son all these years. So that my son can grow up confident and strong with little to no guilt or shame as a child. That was me. I did that!

Although I never abused alcohol, I did see the effect it was having on my mental health over the weekends. So 14 years ago I choose to never drink again. It drastically improved my mental, emotional and physical health and has saved me tons of money that I am now able to save and invest with. That was me, I made that decision. I did that. 

All the emotional and mental turmoil I endured throughout these years had me thinking of drugs, alcohol and suicide on a weekly bases. How easy it would have been to just give up, throw in the towel and become another statistic. Run away and never look back. But I didn’t do those things. That was me. I stood strong. 

I recently purchased another car. I went into the dealership with two educated individuals. Fully prepared after reading books, forums and watching how to videos. I walked out paying exactly what I wanted, and saved over $10,000 in interest rates because I had cash. BOOM. Who learned from their last experience and educated herself so she wouldn’t over pay again? That was me. I did that. 

Getting a lawyer, and spending $18,000 of my hard earned money to stand up against a man who was financially abusing me for 11 years by withholding child support, and then WINNING. That was me. I now have full custody and receive monthly child support! I did that! Like a boss.

Taking a considerable amount of years and secretly educating myself to create several different avenues of online income and saving money so I can leave that narcissistic relationship. That was me. I did that! 

Walking away from a financially stable relationship of luxury and money because I educated myself on the emotional, mental and financial abuse that was happening within the home. That was me. I did that. I humbled myself by moving into my own place. I was living on a mattress on the floor for months until I was able to slowly collect used furniture from Goodwill, the side of the road and from friends. I made myself a new home for my son and I. That was me. I did that! 

Becoming the CEO and founder of my own coaching company that now has over 40,000 followers (and growing!) across all platforms.  Inspiring others worldwide and helping endlessly amounts of people break through and discover their own untapped talents and immense potential by sharing my own stories of failures and triumphs. That was me. I did that! 

Being moved by the destruction of the fast fashion industry on the environment, I created and launched my own up cycling fashion design company. Using recycled clothes to save them from the landfills. That was me. I did that!

Allowing myself to love again, even though so many men in my life have abused, taken advantage of, and lied to me. That was me. I did that! 

Never giving up, staying positive through it all, and always looking forward… rather than dwelling on the past. Knowing there has to be more, educating myself beyond what deems necessary. That was me. I did that!

It wasn’t always ‘that easy’. There were a million tears shed. There were suicidal thoughts. There were nights of wanting to give up. There was yelling and screaming and crying. There was pointing blame and feeling absolutely helpless on multiple levels. But I never gave up. I kept going, and that is why I am here sharing my story, with you. I know there have been times in your life you have wanted to give up, throw in the towel and just be complacent in your life. You may have decided to be mediocre and have put your dreams and desires aside because you are tired of fighting and tired of trying. You are sick of being let down and sick of failing. But I am here to tell you that the fight IS worth the reward. Trust your gut, keep pushing forward and continue to move towards your dreams, whatever that might be. 

We all make mistakes, we all do things that are out of character either out of emotional distress or just being naive to the truth. That is ok. You are allowed to change your mind and do things differently. You are allowed to go in a different direction even if the entire world is expecting you to go in another direction. I am here to tell you that I support you, just know that no matter which direction you go in there will be a story, a repercussion and you have to be ready and willing to handle that with strong shoulders and a positive attitude. 

This is your life, and you have the ability to speak up, turn down, or change the trajectory of your life at any moment. Now, this is where it gets tricky, because knowing this is great for you, until you realize that everyone has this right, and your ability to be able to control the people in your life flies out the window… but that my friends will be saved for another post. Until next time, follow me here. 

Do something awesome today.

Much love,

Sabrina Victoria

[kaylahill94]

Novena To Save Marriage Eye-Opening Cool Tips

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Stop A Divorce From Happening

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[swissnavy]

The Lube Diaries 

9 Women Get Real About Lube

FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM @UNBOUNDBABES

Many of us overlook lube as a factor in the sexual equation, whether it’s during a masturbating sesh or sex with a partner/s. There is still a sense of shame, particularly among women, when it comes to lube. Lots of us are afraid of being labeled as sexually deficient or simply “not into it” if we need or want to use lube during sex.

This fear is super fucking real, too, and it’s a result of lube-shaming. According to sex and relationship expert Dr. Jess O’Reilly, "lube-shaming erroneously suggests that if a woman is turned on, she'll get wet. But vaginal lubrication is controlled by the autonomic nervous system and is beyond our conscious control.” Basically, you can be super turned on, but totally dry, and vice-versa.

Personal lubricant exists for many reasons–the first being to reduce the dryness and irritation that is so often attributed to discomfort or pain during sex (particularly penetrative sex). It can be a game-changing aid for women who suffer from vaginal dryness (17% of women aged 18-50 experience problems with vaginal dryness).

But the best part about lube is that it’s not used solely for the purpose of combating discomfort. It can literally make sex better–physically and, as a result, mentally. In a 2011 study, 2,500 women used lubricant regularly over a 5-week period. Results show that the use of a water-based or silicone-based lubricant was associated with higher ratings of sexual pleasure and satisfaction for solo sex and penile-vaginal sex!

So it’s time to reshape the lube narrative. To begin, we asked nine women of sex-related and non sex-related professions the question: “What is your relationship like with lube?”

Rachel Gelman, DPT, PT:

Lube is always a great idea. Although, the type/quality of lube matters. Ideally you want a lube without parabens, glycols, microbicides, and preservatives. Ideally you want a lube that is similar to your body's pH. A healthy, happy vagina has a pH of 3.8-4.5 and the rectum is around 7.0, so you want a lube that matches or is a slightly higher pH than your natural environment. Lack of lubrication or vaginal dryness can contribute to or cause pain with sex. Adding lubrication may not address the underlying cause, such as a hormonal imbalance, but it can definitely help decrease the symptoms. Depending on what data you look at ~40% of women under 60 report sexual dysfunction and up to 60% of women will experience pelvic pain, I can't say what percentage is due to lack of lubrication, but if someone is having pain with sex adding in a lubricant may help and most likely won't make it worse, unless someone uses a poor quality lubricant.

I think lube should be used when engaging in any type of sexual activity, including masturbation and when using sex toys. Be mindful that if you are using condoms  (which most people should because safe sex is the best sex) to use a water-based lubricant as oil-based lubricant can degrade the latex.

I think there is a stigma around lubricant, and people think they shouldn't need it and if they do something is "wrong" with them. I always think of that scene in the movie Superbad where Jonah Hill makes fun of Michael Cera's character for having lube because the girls "are young" and won't need lube. Also, some people have had bad experiences with lube, it irritated them or they had a bad reaction to it, and again that may have been due to using a lubricant that wasn't good quality. I always recommend patients try different kinds, so I am always giving an array of samples or having patients go to Good Vibrations, where they have a large selection in sample sizes for people to try.

The World Health Organization, also has a nice chart that shows the different lubes and their pH/osmolarity.

Sloane Steel, writer:

When I was first having sex at the ripe ol' age of 15 (sorry, Mom!) I never used lube. Actually, I didn't end up using lube until well into my 20's. I thought lube was for anal sex or women who needed help producing lubrication on their own. It wasn't until I actually tried anal that I realized lube was FREAKING AMAZING.

Lube made EVERYTHING feel way better. Lube made everything feel more sensitive and I enjoyed sex SO much more once I brought my lube friends into the game. Now I consider myself a lube aficionado. I mean, I don't exactly need to buy a 55-gallon drum of it on Amazon (that exists...for what? I dunno but the reviews are incredible.) But I definitely use it almost every time I have sex because, why the hell not? I personally like sex to feel like a Slip n' Slide.

Scientwehst:

I don’t really remember a time when I thought, “if I use lube I’m sexually deficient.” In fact, I’m the lube queen [ha]. With guys, I would always suggest bringing out the coconut oil or some lotion to do a proper HJ. Lube just makes sex more enjoyable all around. No matter how wet you start off in the beginning, after a long session of intercourse, you’re bound to get dry and with dryness comes irritation. I actually dislike using spit for lube. I know, It sounds vanilla, but I just think its gross to have to hock spit every time for lubrication. Imagine a night out partying, with partying comes drinking, smoking, eating, etc. Then you head back to your house, you're ready to hook up and the guy just spits on you. Just feels bacteria ridden lol. Our mouths are dirty! Also, with clitoral stimulation, how many times do I need to spit on my fingers when I could just use a little scoop of coconut oil, one time. It smells good, it tastes good, the consistency is perfect, and it helps prevent yeast infections. What’s better than that?

Zoe, photographer:

for a long time i didn't understand why sex hurt so much for me. even when it felt "good" it didn't feel "great" and growing up i didn't have the safest experience with sex so subconsciously i think it has affected how my body works during arousal. it takes a lot for me to get wet and even when i do i'm not like a faucet dripping with cum as these rappers would say (lol.) when i first started using lube i was with my partner for awhile and it was something we both knew made everything more enjoyable not only for me but for her as well. in the beginning i did have some feelings of insecurity having to pull out a third party during sex and even now i battle stigmas within my own thoughts that come along with using lubricant, especially when sleeping with new people but for the most part i'm at a place where i don’t internalize any shame with using lube.

i think there's a lot of roadblocks when it comes to female pleasure and the ridicule of using lube is one of 'em. even if you are someone who gets really wet on your own there's no harm in exploring lubricants. some have cooling sensations, some warm it up down there, some even have thc in them (highly recommend). using lube has made me a more explorative person when it comes to my sex life because i'm always popping into local sex shops to cop some and i end up looking at other things along the way.

Elle Stanger, Podcast Host, Sex and Relationship writer:

I spent four years helping customers pick out and purchase lubricants while I worked in adult retail shops, and I recognized that many of our buyers exhibited shame or discomfort around their purchase. I've even heard women exclaim, "I don't NEED that", as if wanting if the purchase of lubricant was indicative of some kind of inadequacy. It's no surprise really, much of our society measures arousal by how "big or hard" erections are, and how "wet and tight" vaginas and vulvas are.

There are lots of reasons that people like to use lubricant: Did you know that prescription medication dries out some vulvas? So does stress, sickness, or just your own genetics can determine how much natural lubricant a person's body makes on it's own. Besides, it's fun! People with penises and vaginas can play with silicone lube, waterbased lube, flavored, all-natural, there are so many options and many of them are body safe and ethically sourced. I like to vary my activities and the addition or subtraction of different kinds of stimulation with toys or lubes makes for a diverse and creative sex life.

@Falkyou, web app developer, cybersecurity ms candidate, model:

There is a stigma that exists around lube that if you need it then you’re unfortunately just not a well-oiled car. In theory, this sounds legit because we lack proper sex education in our society. However, in reality, lube is the savior you’ve been waiting on to take your experience to the next level.

This is because not only does lube help cancel out friction but it is an enhancement to whatever activity in which you’re currently partaking. It has properties that have the potential to create sensations the body alone cannot - like an icy feeling. It’s like you can drive a Ford on the reg but if you had the chance to drive a Lambo for a few extra dollars you just wouldn’t pass that up.

@shesvague:

Whatever you need to use to have a wonderful and enjoyable sexual experience, use it. Don’t ever feel ashamed. Always do what’s best for your mind body and soul.

If lube is a staple in your sex life, amazing! If it’s not, amazing!

I love lube and I find it really enhances sex and gives me ultimate pleasure. But I don’t always need it, it’s if I choose to and want to. Isn’t that what we all truely want from sex? For our minds to be blown and our bodies to be sent into another dimension? I certainly do.

You can never go wrong with a bit of extra lubrication.

Halle:

I think lube and the proper use of it should be taught in sex education. When I was in high school, there was so much myth around the use of lube that no really knew how to use it and probably still don’t. Haha.

Millie (IG: @milliesykess):

In the earlier, more confused years of my sexual exploration the thought of mentioning lube was pretty mortifying. To me, the suggestion of lube screamed ‘Not good enough! You’re dryer than the Sahara desert down there! He needs use tube juice to fix all that is wrong with you and your malfunctioning parts..pathetic!’. Unfortunately, I hadn’t gaged that my parts were working just fine, he just didn’t quite know how to operate them.

Now, I keep a bottle handy in my top drawer at all times. If I feel the slightest chafe, or if i’m just in the mood to get slippery I’m opening that drawer. It’s an awesome bedside companion, an aid for me rather than a symbol of my sexual inadequacy.

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[1dffsummerexchange]

Cut to the Feeling

Written For: @showingthroughtome

Written By:  @fromherlips

Pairing: Niall/OFC

Word Count: 16,000

Warnings: language, mentions of sexual content and alcohol

Summary:

Lennox Sloane was always taught that you shouldn’t make assumptions about anyone unless you wanted to make an ass of yourself. Unfortunately, that lesson never stuck with her as much as the lectures on safe sex (no glove, no love), texting while driving (it can wait), and the proper way to consume alcohol (liquor before beer, you’re in the clear).

A story about night classes, snarky remarks, and learning lessons the hard way.

As far as Lennox Sloane was concerned, there was a special place in hell for classes that started at eight in the morning, as well as night classes. Everyone who has ever attended a college class could vouch for her. No material should be taught at the ungodly hour of 8:00 a.m., especially on a Wednesday morning after Power Hour on Tuesday night or Friday morning after Trivia Night on Thursday. There was also something particularly tortuous about having to stay on campus long enough to watch the sun set.

Lennox avoided both the dreaded night and 8:00 a.m. classes for two years, breezing through her freshman and sophomore year with decent (not perfect, but close enough) schedules. She would never admit to it, but she nearly shed a tear while scheduling her classes for fall and spring semester of her junior year. The class selection was atrocious, only a section or two for each required class offered in the worst time slots. She heavily debated not taking the classes, but couldn’t risk not graduating on time because she refused to succumb to the two worst times a class could be held during.

So, after only two weeks of classes, she declared herself done. Finished. Finito. She was sprawled out on her friend Kaia’s bed, complaining loudly about how her semester was going to be an absolute nightmare.

“I’m going to spend so much money on campus trying to keep my stomach from not growling in the middle of a lecture,” Lennox groaned, sliding her body closer to the edge of the bed. Her shoulders teetered on the edge, her mousey brown hair dangling towards the floor. She could feel the blood begin to rush to her head, immediately pulling herself back up before it started to hurt.

“Your apartment isn’t that far from campus, Len,” Kaia pointed out, looking over her shoulder. Lennox was supposed to be working on an assignment like Kaia, but she needed to take time to properly vent about her crappy schedule. She truly felt that she could fully express her hatred for it after experiencing it for nearly ten days. “You could easily walk back between your big gap between your early afternoon and night class.”

Lennox scoffed, rolling her eyes at the suggestion. It wasn’t that Kaia was wrong. She was right, actually, a common occurrence within their friendship. “That’s beside the point,” Lennox said. “It’s the principle behind it. I can’t sleep in and now if I want to do something on a Monday or Wednesday night, I have to wait until after eight!”

“At least it’s not on a Friday,” Kaia said. “Your schedule could be worse, Len. Think about that.”

“Kaia, I love you dearly and appreciate your optimism, but Mama Lennox wants to complain,” she said, earning a laugh from her best friend.

They had a nice balance in their friendship. They met during spring semester of their freshmen year after Lennox pointed out that they had three classes in a row together. They spent the rest of the spring sharing notes during the week and sharing bottles of vodka they bought with their fake IDs on the weekends (okay, and sometimes during the week).

Where Lennox lacked in a positive attitude, Kaia made up for with her optimistic comments. She always let Lennox vent to her while also giving her subtle reminders that what she was complaining about wasn’t actually a big deal. Lennox wasn’t quite sure what she was offering to Kaia in terms of their friendship, but she liked to think that she was fiercely loyal to her best friend. She nearly ended up on the Wall of Shame at an apartment for punching a girl who Kaia’s ex-boyfriend hooked up with while they were still dating. It was a drunken mess and Lennox didn’t go back until a few weeks later when she was sure that something else more dramatic happened at a party there that could trump her moment.

“There’s got to be some sort of saving grace in all of this,” Kaia said, shutting the cover on her notebook. She turned her chair around completely, facing Lennox straight on.

Lennox racked her brain, trying to play along with Kaia’s usual game. If Lennox wanted to complain, she had to expect that Kaia would try to make her find the silver lining in every situation. The trouble with that was that sometimes there just wasn’t a silver lining. Not everything had a bright side. Sometimes things just plain old sucked.

“Well, that Niall Horan kid is in one of my classes,” she admitted. “I didn’t realize that he was in the same major as me.”

“Niall Horan as in the Niall Horan that you’ve been low-key stalking on campus since you nearly made out with him at every single party during the end of freshmen year?” Kaia asked, quirking a brow. “Sounds like a fucking silver lining to me.”

Lennox shook her head, rolling over so she was laying on her stomach. “Not quite,” she said, sighing. “I’m about 90% sure that he’s been dating that Hattie girl since last year. They’re everywhere together. I swear to god, they’re like fucking conjoined twins or something.”

Kaia snorted, rolling her eyes at Lennox’s dramatics. “They could just be friends,” Kaia pointed out. “Have you tried to do any digging?”

“Social media gave me nothing but more pictures of them together,” Lennox said. “I tried asking around last year, but everyone pretty much shrugged, said they didn’t know him, or said that they probably were dating but they didn’t know for sure. It was absolutely useless.”

“Well, regardless of his relationship status, he’s still the silver lining of your awful classes,” Kaia finally said. “No ifs, ands, or buts.”

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

There was an unspoken rule amongst college students that no one should dare to break. College was meant to provide the classroom freedoms that didn’t exist in primary or secondary education. There were no dress codes (Lennox never wanted to hear the word ‘skort’ again), required gym classes, and certainly no seating charts. The latter, however, didn’t matter. College students were creatures of habits. Only a true heathen would try to change their unofficial assigned seat after the first two classes of the semester.

On Monday evening after an excruciatingly long day–one that started off with Lennox having to run to campus because she overslept and resulted in an afternoon nap at her apartment while she was supposed to be getting classwork done–the last place that she wanted to be was her night class. Despite coming home before her class, Lennox couldn’t be bothered with changing out of her borderline pajama like ensemble. It was the trifecta of a college girl's’ essentials: skintight leggings to make her butt look good, an oversized t-shirt that she nicked off of an old boyfriend, and a baseball cap to hide the fact that she hadn’t washed her hair since Friday evening before she went out to a frat party.

Lennox waltzed into class five minutes before the professor arrived, sulking towards the last row in the back corner of the room. If anyone took unofficial assigned seats too seriously, it was Lennox. She lived by the rule that you should choose wisely on the first day of class because that is where you’ll be for the remaining fifteen weeks of the semester. The seat in front of her used to be occupied by a girl that she knew from a biology lab that they had together freshmen year. This day, however, there was somebody new.

Niall Horan decided to fuck up the equilibrium of the classroom and change his seat in the third week of classes. What would normally be punishable by at least two weeks’ worth of glares was met with a small smirk as Lennox looked toward the ceiling to thank the higher power for making this happen. Sure, he might have been dating Hattie Redmond, but what better way to find out than by slowly befriend him throughout the semester?

The first day was a slow start to her end goal of friendship. It was a lecture-centric class with no group work or time to converse with anyone. Before Lennox could even get in a word, Niall had his bag packed and was out of the room. She tried to catch up but gave up when she saw him meet up with Hattie, walking out of the building side by side.

Their class on Wednesday night seemed a little more promising. She purposely arrived early so she could see him walk in, forcing them to at least make eye contact. She leaned back in her seat, switching between catching up on what she missed in one of her group messages and the reading from her class that morning. When Niall walked in, Lennox’s eyes averted upwards, waiting for the moment they locked with his. Sure that she had his attention, she curled the corners of her lips into a faint smile before looking coyly back down at her textbook. The polite route seemed like the way to go, rather than aggressively trying to befriend him (though that could be a later option if her first choice seemed to fail).

The professor lectured nearly the whole class again, but there was something different this time. In the pauses between slides and explanation of the vague points, Lennox heard a faint, muffled voice. She furrowed her brows, slyly looking left and right to see if anyone in the back row was whispering about something. Everyone was looking towards the front of their room, their lips pressed tightly together. Lennox shook her head, convincing herself it must’ve been from another classroom or a figment of her imagination.

Until she heard it again. And again. It wasn’t until there were ten minutes left in class that she realized that the mumbled voice was coming from Niall in front of her. She stopped paying attention to the professor, focusing in on what Niall was muttering between his statements.

“That’s not right, but okay,” Niall mumbled. Lennox stifled her laughter, but it sounded more like a sneeze. Slowly, Niall craned his neck, looking over his shoulder for a split second to flash Lennox a cheeky smile. As far as she was concerned, that was ten steps forward in their one-sided budding friendship. Niall didn’t stick around after class and still met up with Hattie afterwards, but Lennox left class feeling that she and Niall had a little secret, an inside joke that could spark something.

Lennox wasn’t typically this patient. If Niall were somebody she saw regularly at parties, she’d merely take a shot, stumble into him and compliment him on something stupid. She once told a guy that he had nice eyebrows and ended up staying the night at his apartment. Niall, however, either stopped going out or had better taste than the dodgy frat parties that Lennox and her friends liked to attend while they waited for people to turn 21 or get fake IDs. It foiled her usual plans, leading her to use alternative, less drunken methods (unless the opportunity arose).

Something about the fourth week of class made Lennox feel a bit luckier. Sure, she had her fist exam of the semester on a Friday morning at eight, but her night class for the week required group work both days. Lennox played her cool as the professor suggested everyone just work with the people around them. She didn’t bother looking at anyone next to her, staring at the back of Niall’s head while she waited to see if he would turn around. He wasn’t looking around at anyone either, merely staring forward at something.

Fucker, Lennox thought, internally groaning. She rolled her eyes, lifting her hand slowly before she tapped on his shoulder. He turned around, his legs swinging out into the aisle. He quirked a brow, waiting for Lennox to say something.

“Need a partner?” she asked.

“I do, thanks,” he said. “Lennox, yeah?”

“Mhm,” she hummed. “Niall?”

“Yup,” he replied, popping the ‘p’ sound loudly. “Hold on,” he said, sliding out of his seat. He grabbed the desk, turning it around so he was facing Lennox fully. He sat back down, fixing the papers that fell out of order during the move. “Okay, that’s better.”

“I don’t even know where to start with this,” Lennox said, picking up the rubric by the corner before waving it in the air.

“Me either,” Niall said. “I usually wait until I hear everyone else talk about what they’re going to do or for someone to ask the professor for help and eavesdrop on their conversation. Could be considered cheating, but I like to think of it as primary research.”

Lennox snorted. “Very resourceful,” she said, shaking her head at Niall. “I normally strategically place myself around people who look smart so that if the dreaded group work ever comes up, I won’t have to contribute much.”

“It seems that our group of two is going to get us a fantastic grade in this class,” Niall said.

“We’ll be fine,” Lennox assured him. “I might be an occasionally lazy student, but I’m getting my degree dammit and I need this class to graduate next year.”

“I feel you,” Niall agreed. Niall opened his mouth to say something else but soon became distracted by the group to his right. His body perked up, leaning towards them to catch a glimpse of their conversation. The second they were done with their first point, Niall leaned forward towards Lennox. “I have an idea.”

The hardest part of assignments was getting started. The two of them finished nearly half of the group work by the time class was dismissed, everybody filtering out at their own pace. Niall and Lennox packed up together, straightening out their desks before walking out of the room together.

“Don’t skip out on me on Wednesday, okay Lennox?” Niall said, standing back so she could walk out of the room in front of him. “We have to present out absolutely brilliant group work so we can wow the rest of the class.”

Lennox laughed, waiting for Niall to catch up to her before she walked away from the room. “Oh, I’ll be here,” she told him. “Hopefully in something other than leggings and a t-shirt, but I can’t make any promises.”

“Oh, I assumed that was the group’s dress code. That’s what I was going to show up in on Wed–hey Hattie!”

Lennox tried her hardest not to scowl, but she could feel her brows furrow as Niall’s attention averted from their conversation. Hattie stood in her usual spot near a group of high-top tables full of campus newspapers and magazines. She waved at Niall, slipping her iPhone back into the front pocket of her denim shorts. Lennox followed Niall towards Hattie, unsure if she should just say goodbye before she was subjected to the ‘Are they or are they not dating?’ debate up close.

“Hattie, this is Lennox,” Niall said, introducing the two girls. Lennox and Hattie shared the same pathetic wave, both smiling without their teeth in the polite way that girls always seemed to do when they meet someone for the first time.

“Cute shorts,” Lennox said, looking down at Hattie’s distressed cut-offs. She paired them with a blue and white vertical striped off-the-shoulder blouse that Lennox had been eyeing at a boutique the previous month. “I should get going. My friend and I have a hot date with a bottle of wine and tonight’s episode of The Voice.”

“Ooh, I love Adam and Blake,” Hattie chimed in. “Have fun!”

“Isn’t Adam just positively dreamy?” Lennox asked, batting her eyelashes. “Nice meeting you Hattie! I’ll see you Wednesday Niall.”

“See ya Lennox,” Niall replied, slinking his arm around Hattie’s shoulder. Lennox turned quickly on her heels, eyes narrowed forward. She walked the ten minutes to her apartment scuffing the bottom of her sneakers against the sidewalk, kicking pebbles along the way.

Kaia was waiting on Lennox’s couch with a bottle of rosé already opened. The episode was paused, the opening title frozen on the screen. She dropped her backpack next to one of the chairs at the small kitchen table, her shoulders still slumped without the bag weighing her down.

“Get over here bitch, we’re already fifteen minutes behind!” Kaia chirped. “I’ll pour the wine.”

“Fill it up!” Lennox cheered, kicking off her sneakers quickly before hopping over the arm of the couch to sit next to Kaia. “I wonder if tonight will be the night where Adam and Blake finally kiss…” she said, her voice trailing off into a giggle.

“I hope so,” Kaia sighed. “There’s so much tension between them.”

“So, I have a Niall Horan update,” Lennox said, holding out her hand for Kaia to pass the glass to. “He changed his seat in class and is now sitting in front of me.”

“And?” Kaia asked, settling back down onto her side of the sofa.

“We got partnered up for group work, which was all fine and dandy,” Lennox explained, pausing to take a sip of her wine. “And then mid-conversation on our walk out of class, he saw Hattie and introduced me to her.”

Kaia winced. “Ouch.”

“He put his arm around her shoulder and I have no fucking clue if they’re dating or not,” Lennox groaned. “This is ridiculous but I can’t just ask him.”

“Saturday Night Lennox could,” Kaia pointed out.

“Ah yes, but Saturday Night Lennox cannot meet Niall Horan because she will do stupid things that would make class very uncomfortable,” she replied. “So, now I’m stuck over analyzing his friendship-slash-relationship until I can figure it out myself. Maybe I should follow them sometime.”

“Maybe you should hush, drink your wine, and let me unpause this so we can watch some auditions,” Kaia suggested, nudging Lennox gently in the side with her elbow.

“Ugh, fine,” Lennox said. “But we’re talking during commercials!”

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Niall Horan was, by far, the worst person to sit behind during class. He didn’t throw things over his shoulder or draw attention to the back of the room while Lennox tried to spend the boring parts of the lecture scrolling through her Instagram feed. He was, however, an absolute menace.

On the outside, Niall appeared to be a fairly normal guy. His demeanor was unimposing, too chill to be an issue. Lennox had never been in a class with him before, so she couldn’t be sure whether this was a regular occurrence or a special treat because of the class or professor. Throughout class, Niall would mumble snarky comments to himself about what the professor was saying, only loud enough that Lennox could hear. Or at least, she was the only person who didn’t pretend not to hear them. At least five times a class she had to stifle her laughter, trying to pass it off as a coughing fit to avoid a stern glare from the professor.

It was impossible to pay attention with Niall muttering things under his breath, let alone keep a straight face. She, without a fail, would smack Niall between the shoulders if he seemed to be going overboard during class, not that it ever stopped him from making the comments. In fact, it might have served as motivation for him.

They were six weeks into the class and had a midterm coming up in a couple of weeks. Lennox couldn’t focus on what the professor was saying about the structure of the exam, too preoccupied by listening to whatever nonsense Niall would whisper under his breath.

“I’m going to kill you!” she squealed, shoving his shoulder hard enough to separate them as they walked out of class side by side. “You’re going to be the reason why I fail this class and never graduate college. I’m going to be a student forever!”

“Lennox Sloane, you’re being very dramatic right now,” Niall told her, rolling his eyes. “I’m trying to make the class more enjoyable for you and now you’re putting the blame on me for a hypothetical failing grade? That is just plain rude.”

“You’re just plain rude for trying to distract me during class!” she argued, her palm pressed against his shoulder, seconds away from shoving his body away from hers again. “I need to do well on the midterm! How am I supposed to know what’s going on in class with you making some salty-ass comments about god knows what?”

“You live for my comments, don’t deny it,” he said. “Don’t act like you’re the only one who needs to do well! I lose out on class material too trying to think of those things to say.”

“Well shit, that’s not my fault!” she said, snorting. “All I’m saying is that if I have anything less than a B on my midterm, there will be consequences that I will make you face. Mark my words.”

Niall shuddered, pretending to be terrified by her empty threat. “I’m shaking in my boots,” he deadpanned.

By this point they would have split ways, each on their way to their respective destinations. Instead, they stood by the high-top round tables that Hattie usually occupied, neither seeming like they were in any rush to get moving.

“Where’s Hattie today?” Lennox asked, looking around the open area of the building’s atrium.

“Oh, she had some sort of group thing tonight, I don’t know,” Niall replied. “I’m supposed to go meet up with her later.”

“Oh okay,” Lennox replied, nodding. He doesn’t know where she is. That didn’t really mean anything, though. He could’ve just been a terrible boyfriend who didn’t care to know where his girlfriend was. “Well, you know the drill…The Voice is on tonight. Kaia might get mad if I make her miss any of the blind auditions. They’re our favorite part. We like when they make us cry.”

“Cry?” Niall asked, raising his brows. “You cry watching a music competition show?”

“Don’t act all high and mighty,” Lennox said. “First thing, music competition shows are always mega-emotional because these people are all insanely talented and haven’t had it easy. But also, The Voice has these dramatic back stories on some of these contestants and air them before their auditions and there are some real tear-jerkers in there. You don’t know what you’re missing out on.”

“Maybe I don’t,” he replied. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your place so you don’t piss your friend off.”

“Both Kaia and I appreciate it,” she said, bowing to him. “Tell Hattie I said hello!”

“Will do,” Niall said. “Hey Lennox, wait,” he added, stopping her as she began to turn on her heels. She pivoted around toward him again,

“What’s up?”

He opened his mouth to say something, leaning in. Before he could get a word out, he shook his head, seeming to stop himself. “Nevermind. I’ll see you on Wednesday,” he said.

“Alright Niall, see ya later,” she said, holding up a peace sign to him before heading towards the doors. She wanted to overanalyze Niall’s last minute decision to not say anything at all with Kaia when she got back to the apartment, but she was certain that her best friend was getting sick of her constantly bringing up Niall.

To be honest, Lennox wasn’t sure where her sudden fixation on Niall came from. Sure, she’d tried more than once to make something happen with him their freshmen year (which he either forgot about or chose not to bring up), but she spent the entirety of their sophomore typically unaware of his existence, unless she spotted him with Hattie around campus. Even then, it was pure curiosity than anything else causing the pique in interest. But now Lennox had no explanation as to why she was beginning to pine after a guy who was potentially in a relationship with the gorgeous girl that he seemed to be inseparable from.

While she and Kaia split a bottle of wine and shed a tear or two watching blind auditions, Lennox’s thoughts drifted periodically to what Niall might have wanted to say. Did he have a question? Was he just bluffing, prepared to make another salty comment just to mess with her? What could he possibly have wanted to say that made him change his mind?

Niall Horan was both to blame for any sleep loss or failing grades on important midterms. That was Lennox’s declaration and she was sticking to it. She was thankful that she didn’t have an early morning class on Tuesdays, making her tossing and turning all night less painful when it came to waking up to her alarm the next morning. Luckily, the restless sleep was a one night only occurrence, partially because Lennox insisted that she, Kaia, and their friends Frieda and Carmen take advantage of Power Hour at a local bar that was lenient with IDs and generous with their pours.

Lennox ended up passed out in her only her tiny denim shorts face down into her mattress, completely bare from the waist up. She wasn’t sure what time they ended up getting home because she ran into a guy she talked to during the previous spring who bought her a few drinks, no doubt in hopes that she would leave with him. Instead, her friends rounded her up and helped her into the back of an Uber before she could do anything she regretted.

The entire night should have been considered a regret. She woke up the next morning reeking of stale alcohol with her makeup still caked onto her face. When she checked the clock, she realized that she only had thirty minutes to shower, eat breakfast, and get ready for her eight a.m. class. She scrambled around the apartment, fighting the urge to vomit every time she made a sudden movement. Why did she convince herself that getting plastered on a Tuesday night was a good idea? Under no circumstances was it ever a good idea to need assistance getting into the back of a car on a run of the mill Tuesday evening. And yet, that was how Lennox spent her evening and there was nothing that was going to change that.

She ended up skipping her class at eight, texting one of the girls she knew in the class that she wasn’t feeling well so she could ask to borrow her notes. Lennox hoped that she hadn’t seen any of her drunk Snaps before she got a chance to delete them that morning. Lennox was only slightly ashamed to admit that she had two iced coffees and a massive breakfast sandwiches delivered to her apartment through Postmates, too hungover to attempt to make her own breakfast.

If the midterm in her night class wasn’t coming up, Lennox would have skipped her full day of classes entirely to lounge in her bed and watch Law and Order: Special Victims Unit all day until her roommates got home from work and classes. Instead, she attempted to make herself somewhat presentable, trying to shower away her sins from the night before. Why she ever thought to mix liquors and beer was beyond her, but she was certainly feeling it in the pit of her stomach and the pounding in her head.

Lennox piled damp hair into a bun on the top of her head, her face free of makeup aside the concealer underneath her eyes. Her outfit was something that she would sleep in any other night, a pair of leggings and an old ratty sweatshirt from her older brother’s college. The fall weather was starting to make nights chillier, the entire campus easing out their fall wardrobe (aside from guys, they worked the tragic combination of cargo shorts and flip-flops all year round).

She strolled into class only a few minutes before it started, dragging her feet behind her as she made her way to the back of the room. When she and Niall made eye contact as she walked down the aisle, he cocked his head to the side, raising a brow in confusion. Lennox groaned as she sat down, immediately slumping down into her seat.

“You doing okay back there?” Niall asked, turning around in his seat. “You look like hell, no offense.”

“Plenty taken,” she scoffed. “I feel horrendous. Power Hour and beyond got the best of me.”

Niall winced. “Ouch,” he hissed. “Suppose I shouldn’t ask you for a drink tonight then, huh?”

Drink? With Niall? Lennox cursed her bare face, hoping that her cheeks didn’t go completely red without any foundation on them. “Don’t even mention the word ‘drink’ around me,” she said. “I’m never drinking again.”

“So I won’t see you at the Kappa Sigma party on Friday? Or Sigma Nu on Saturday? Or–”

“I get it, I get it, I go to a lot of parties,” Lennox groaned. “Hey wait, how do you know that?”

Niall shrugged. “That’s where we met freshman year,” he said. “Plus, I have friends who talk. You’re quite the hit.”

“Not sure if that’s a good thing or not,” Lennox admitted.

“Oh shit, not like that,” Niall immediately said, his cheeks flushing a faint shade of pink. “Are you aware that there are fights about which team gets to have you for Flip Cup? I’ve heard people have even paid to make sure that they have you for a guaranteed victory.”

Lennox snorted. “It’s true, I am a not-so-secret weapon,” she said.

“I’d believe it,” he said.

“When did you stop going to parties?” Lennox asked. “I stopped seeing you them at the beginning of fall semester sophomore year.”

Niall shrugged. “Not sure, really,” he admitted. “Hattie doesn’t really go to parties so…I don’t know. I normally just pregame with some friends and chill at my apartment.”

Lennox nodded. “Cool,” she replied. “Well, you know, if you ever need to find me on a weekend, you know where.”

“Maybe I’ll have to tag along sometime, for old time’s sake,” he said, winking at Lennox.

She pressed her lips together, unsure of what to say after that. She was saved by the bell, or rather, their professor walking into the room. Inwardly, she let out a sigh of relief, watching as Niall spun back around towards the front of the classroom. The professor spent a majority of the class lecturing on new material, his overpowering voice making Lennox’s head pound even harder. By the end of the class, he was reminding everybody about the midterm in two weeks. Everyone collectively groaned, earning a hearty laugh from their professor.

Lennox rubbed her temples as the classroom began to empty out. Niall remained seated, packing his backpack up slowly. She saw him take a peek at her as he bent down to put away his notebook, his eyes watching her curiously.

“You sure you’re feeling okay?” he finally asked, turning around completely.

“Feeling like a million bucks,” she told him. “Can I Uber back to my apartment?”

Niall laughed, shaking his head at Lennox. “Come here,” he said, standing up. He stood in the aisle next to Lennox, facing her with his arms outstretched. “Have you eaten anything today?”

“Just my big breakfast,” she replied. “I was too lazy to make lunch or dinner.”

He rolled his eyes, flexing his fingers to get her attention. “C’mon, we’re getting something to eat. I’m starving,” he said, offering a hand to help her up.

“Alright,” she sighed, taking his hands. “Can I request chicken fingers and french fries?”

“Onion rings too?”

“A man after my own heart,” Lennox joked.

Most things on campus closed around six when most of the commuters left, leaving very few options for Niall and Lennox to dine without venturing off campus. They ended up at a place called Rusty’s, one of the few places on campus that took dining dollars and meal swipes aside from the dining halls. They sat at a small table near the bar, watching the red light blink on the buzzer as they waited for their food.

Lennox sipped quietly on her pop, waiting for Niall to finish up a text he was sending. She made sure her roommates knew that she was coming home late, omitting the part about grabbing a bite to eat with Niall. They knew all about him and she was certain if they found out where she was, she’d get far too many eggplant emojis sent her way and one thousand prying questions the moment she walked through the door. Besides, this was just friends getting food. Hattie was probably busy that night or waiting for Niall back at his place. For all Lennox knew, he was just killing time before he went to meet up with her somewhere.

She tried to shake it out of her mind, focusing on anything else. Luckily, Niall set his phone down at the moment their buzzer went off.

“I got ‘em,” he told her, sliding out of his chair before walking back towards the front counter. Lennox didn’t even argue, stretching her legs out underneath the table while Niall was gone. She scrolled through her message notifications, letting Kaia know that she was, indeed, feeling slightly better than she was this morning, but not much. She ignored her reply asking her what she was up to, choosing to wait until she was back in her apartment so she wasn’t lying when she said she was just chilling at home.

Niall balanced the tray full of their food, maneuvering through the tables until he was able to set it down in front of Lennox. “Okay, so I wasn’t sure if you wanted ketchup so I got a lot,” he told her, pointing to the smattering of ketchup packets filling the empty space on the tray.

“I like it, but please tell me you’re not one of those heathens that puts the ketchup directly on the french fries instead of dipping them in,” Lennox said, immediately picking up a fry and taking a bite from it.

“I’m offended you’d even ask, of course not,” he replied. “You’ve got me all wrong, Lennox.”

“Just call me Len, but never Lenny,” she told him. “Much easier to yell.”

“Is that so?” he asked, wriggling his brows.

“Oh god, not like that,” she groaned. “Like…I don’t know, it was easier when I played sports in high school! I’m just not going to say anything. I’m eating my dinner in silence.”

Niall laughed, ripping open a few packets of the ketchup. He squirted them onto the edge of his plate, immediately picking one of the onion rings up to dip it in. “This dinner would be very boring if it was just the two of us eating. I might have to start talking to the food.”

“Be my guest, weirdo,” Lennox snorted, ripping off a piece of a chicken finger. “So that midterm is going to destroy my soul.”

“I’m not ready for that class to complete fuck me yet, but I think it might happen after that exam,” Niall agreed. “We should study next week considering it’s clear that neither of us are ready to tackle it on our own and as far as I know, we don’t have any other friends in the class to mooch answers and notes off of.”

“Ugh, biggest mistake this semester was buddying up with you and not one of the smart people in the first couple of rows,” Lennox said, smirking before folding a fry into her mouth.

“That was hurtful,” Niall said, clutching a hand to his chest. “I’m going to revoke my studying invitation.”

“Aw, don’t do that Niall,” Lennox whined. “Study after class on Monday?”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” he said.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Lennox and Niall were fully equipped when they scoped out their nook on the only floor of the library that wasn’t a quiet zone. Lennox provided the caffeine and water while Niall took care of sustenance. They took up an entire table for six with just their belongings, laying out their textbooks, notebooks, and articles from the professor amongst their feast.

Their professor lectured the entire class about one of the last lessons listed on their study guide from the week before. Lennox tried to pay attention the whole time, but she could feel her mind drifting elsewhere periodically. There were holes in her notes that she hoped Niall’s notes could fill. His muttering during class had significantly decreased, but Lennox had a feeling that it would come back around after the stress of the midterm relinquished its grasp on them.

“What coffee did you get?” Niall asked, picking up the cup to the right of Lennox’s notebook. Before she could tell him, he picked it up and took a sip, scrunching his nose. “Is this shit black?”

“Sometimes I like black coffee!” she argued, grabbing her cup back from him. “Not my fault you needed sixteen shots of caramel in yours.”

“It wasn’t sixteen,” he muttered. “My coffee tastes happier than yours, by far.”

Lennox rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her perfectly normal drink. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said. “I like black coffee and you drink gross, warm beer. To each their own, my friend.”

“Don’t you even try to compare beer to coffee,” he replied. “Come on, black coffee is on a whole other level of gross.”

“Agree to disagree,” she said. “Are we going to debate beer and black coffee right now or are we going to study so we can pass this course?”

“I don’t know, this debate is pretty important,” he joked. “Fine, fine, want to start going through the study guide and filling it out? I’ll set up a Google Doc for us to share. What’s your e-mail?”

“Just my first and last name at G-Mail,” she told him.

“Lennox…Sloane,” he said slowly, his fingers tapping against the keyboard. “Okay, sent!”

Lennox opened up her e-mail invitation, clicking on the link to bring her to their shared document. While she flipped to the front of her notebook, she heard Niall’s keyboard again, his giggles taking up the space between the clicks of the keys. Lennox ignored him, finding the section of the notes that corresponded with the first point on the study guide. She looked back towards her screen to make sure she was in the right place, but her eyes drifted to a message written in red Comic Sans at the top of the page.

Fuck u Sloane

She shook her head, immediately highlighting Niall’s message to her and erasing it. In its place, she used Georgia in an aqua color, typing something else for Niall.

Suck a dick :P

Niall snorted, clearing out her message before adding a new one of his own.

Right back atcha

Is that an invitation?

Naughty…

Lennox was glad she was wearing foundation that day, her cheeks surely flushed beneath the layers of makeup.

What do you call sexting through Google Docs?

Niall snorted, nearly kicking Lennox’s shin under the table. She smirked to herself, waiting to see if Niall would reply and continue their game.

Not sure if sexting has gotten that advanced yet.

True, guys still think that unsolicited dick pics are the best that they can do.

Heyyyyyyyyyyy (That’s supposed to be a secret)

Pretty shit secret if you ask me

Rude. Invitation has been revoked.

Thank GOD.

“Double rude,” Niall said, erasing their entire conversation so their study guide wasn’t tainted with their…conversation. Lennox didn’t even know what that was. Playful banter? Flirting? She tried to shake it out of mind, doubling down on actually getting a semblance of studying done that night. The longer they sat at the table trying to compare notes to fill out the guide, the clearer it became that their legitimate studying was going to have to be done when they were separated. Sure, they got a majority of the study guide filled out, but it took nearly three hours to finish a page and a half because of all of their pissing around.

Lennox and Niall were in hysterics as they walked out of the library, both clutching their stomachs. Niall had tried to throw their garbage out and missed entirely, his coffee spilling out onto the tile floor next to the trash can. In his attempt the retrieve the spilled cup, he slipped on the coffee and fell straight onto his ass. Where Lennox would have been beyond embarrassed, Niall laughed so loud that somebody peeked their head out to glare at him.

“Sorry man!” Niall told him before pushing himself off the floor. “Oh yeah, you’re enjoying this, now aren’t you?” he asked. That was around the time they both burst into laughter and moved their fit to outside of the library’s doors.

“Okay okay okay, in all seriousness, are you okay?” Lennox asked.

“Not sure. Might need you to check my ass for bruising,” he said.

“Nice try,” Lennox said, shoving his shoulder to push him away from her. “You can examine your own ass in a mirror at your apartment.”

“Worth a try,” he joked. “So, same place Wednesday after class?”

“We’re never going to get any actual studying done, you know that, right?” she asked.

“Oh, I know,” he replied. “So…”

“I’ll pencil you in,” she told him. “You know, you should feel very special. I missed watching The Voice tonight for this.”

“You really made a huge sacrifice to be here tonight, thank you Lennox,” Niall deadpanned.

“Asshole,” she snorted. “Alright, well, it’s getting fucking cold out here, so I think I’m going to sprint to my apartment now to get warm again.”

Niall laughed, shoving his hands into the pocket of his shearling lined denim jacket. “Alright Len, see you on Wednesday.”

“You too,” she said, taking a few steps backwards before turning completely on her heels. She had only taken a dozen steps before she heard Niall’s voice calling her name. When she turned around, he was still standing with his hands in his pocket, his upper body turned towards her. “Forget something?”

“Yeah, uh, could you just text me when you get home?” he asked. “Just to make sure…ya know.”

“Okay Niall,” she said, waving and she spun back around. “Have a good night!” she called out with her back turned to him. She smiled at the ground beneath her feet, the bounce her step not lost on her.

Niall was a shitty study partner, but Lennox wasn’t much better either. Their study sessions on Wednesday after class and Sunday afternoon weren’t much more productive than Monday night in the library. At least their study guide was completed with more details than they could wrap their heads around. Because of the excess of information, both of them seemed to lose interest less than an hour into trying to learn the material. The conversation would start to drift further away from the course, veering off into stories about party fouls, their friends (mutual or not), and their other classes that week.

On Sunday, Niall greeted Lennox with the largest cup of coffee she’d ever seen in her life and a small pill bottle full of ibuprofen. She was, as he suspected, not in the best shape. Her head was still pounding and there was still the feeling of needing to vomit lingering in the pit of her stomach. But hangover be damned, she was making it to study with Niall. It was all Kaia could tease her about the night before, pulling Lennox away from every guy she was trying to talk to. Granted, Kaia would’ve pulled her away from the guys in general (friends don’t let friends make mistakes like that), but she would always giggle something about not wanting be with anyone but Niall.

Lennox had caved and told Kaia about their partnering up to prepare for the midterm. She might as well have told her they were having wild sex right on the table at the library by the way Kaia reacted to the news. It was all she could talk about. Even when Lennox rolled out of bed and ran into Kaia in the kitchen (she’d passed out on their couch rather than going back to her own apartment across town), she wiggled her eyebrows and asked if Lennox was up so early so she could be with her “beloved Niall.” It was the reason she didn’t cancel, but that was beside the point.

It seemed only appropriate since they’d suffered through the trouble of studying together that they’d celebrate finishing the exam as well. Niall had finished before Lennox, giving her a small wave as he’d walked out of the room. Lennox was on her final essay question, her hand starting to cramp up the closer she got to the bottom of the page. She nearly let out a sigh of relief as she finished off her conclusion, setting her pen down with a loud click against the desk. The professor gave her a nod of acknowledgement as she handed over her exam sheet, hiking up her backpack so it stopped falling off of her shoulder. There were a few students still taking their exams as she walked out of the room, happy to be finished not only with the exam, but half of the course.

“Lennox!”

She jumped, her heart beginning to race. She spotted Niall sitting at a chair across from the classroom, hopping out of his seat when he saw her.

“Why are you still here?” she asked, tilting her head.

“Thought we should get celebratory drinks,” he said. “Unless you’re still feeling the drinks you had this weekend.”

“I could probably handle a drink or two,” she told him. “You sure?”

“Fuck yeah, need a drink after that exam,” he said. “You okay to go from here or do you need to go back to your apartment?”

She shook her head. “I’m fine,” she told him. “Fina’s?”

“Is there any dodgy off campus bar better than Fina’s?” he asked. “Worst beer in the city.”

“Cheapest beer in the city,” she corrected him. “First round’s on me!”

Lennox recognized some of the faces at the bar when they walked up to grab their side-by-side seats at the end of the wrap-around counter. Some of them were tenured professors, others the younger adjuncts that she’d had for a random elective here and there. Then there was the two token 21-year-olds settling into the corner of the bar, celebrating the halfway mark of the semester and completion of a midterm from hell.

As promised, she ordered the first round of drinks, flashing her ID to the bartender before he started to fill the cups with the cheapest beer on draft. They both clinked together the rims of their glasses, already laughing before they took the first sip.

“So bad,” Niall complained, going back into for a second sip.

“The worst,” Lennox agreed. “Speaking of the worst…the exam was a piece of shit and I hate that class.”

Niall snorted, setting his beer down on a bar napkin. “That study guide was useless,” he said. “All of that half-assed studying for nothing!”

“Students of the year right here,” she said. “I’m just glad it’s over and now we’re almost done with the semester. Kind of.”

“Still another seven or eight weeks to go,” Niall reminded her.

“Well which is it?” she asked, raising her brows. Niall hesitated to answer, taking a sip of his beer instead. “Oh my god, Niall do you not know when this semester ends?”

“Sometime early December,” he replied with a shrug. “Don’t give me that look! I have other things to remember.”

“Mhm, okay, like what?” she asked, pursing her lips.

“You know, stuff,” he mumbled. “I dunno!”

Lennox snorted. “You’re lucky you’re cute,” she said.

“Aw, thanks Len,” Niall cooed. “You’re much too kind.”

“You’re starting to become a massive pain in my ass,” she said, wagging her finger at him. “You’re a major distraction in class, what with all of your smartass comments.”

“The one’s you constantly laugh at? Yeah, I can hear your snickers, even if you try to be quiet,” he said. Lennox rolled her eyes, ignoring Niall’s observation. Before either of them could say anything else, Niall’s phone vibrated on the bar. He flipped it over to look at the front screen, the screen showing a call from Hattie. Instead of answering, he merely ignored the call and flipped his phone back over.

Lennox felt her stomach tie into knots. Why was Niall ignoring his girlfriend? There was an overwhelming amount of guilt that washed over her when the realization hit. Even if these drinks were strictly platonic, Niall still probably had a girlfriend and as far as Lennox knew, he had blown her off last week on Monday and Wednesday after class and now tonight.

“Ah, you know what, I’m really sorry Niall but I think that I might still be nursing that hangover,” Lennox said, bringing her hand down to graze her stomach. “I think I should probably call it a night.”

“Wha–okay,” he stuttered. “Can I walk you home?”

“I’m fine. You can finish up my beer,” she said, motioning to her half-full glass. “I’ll see you in class on Wednesday.”

“Yeah, okay, see you Wednesday,” Niall muttered, chugging the rest of his beer.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Lennox didn’t know why she did it. After class on Wednesday, instead of waiting for Niall, she bolted. She mentally cursed him for calling her name, practically jogging to catch up with her before she could push through the doors leading to the exit.

“Len, where ya going?” he asked, the sound of his footsteps ceasing. She let out a sigh, turning on her heels so she was facing him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to chase after you. I just…I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry Niall, I made plans with Kaia to work on a paper at her apartment and she gets mad if I’m late,” Lennox lied. In truth, Kaia was already at Lennox’s apartment because she tended to hang out there most of the day after classes. She might as well move in rather than keeping her cheaper apartment across town where she lived with two people she wasn’t even close with.

“Oh okay, sorry to keep you,” he apologized. “I guess I’ll see you Monday then?”

“Yeah, Monday,” she said hurriedly, waving briefly before she bolted out of the door. She felt awful blowing Niall off, but she wasn’t sure how to act around him. She didn’t want him ignoring Hattie when she was around. Lennox hadn’t even seen Hattie waiting around for Niall in weeks, not since before they started studying for midterms. They used to be attached at the hip. It was rare to spot either of them on campus without one another. And now he was ignoring her calls while he was out for drinks with Lennox and lord knows what else.

Lennox tried not to overthink it, not at least until she had Kaia sitting in front of her ready to listen to her barrage of venting. She was in serious need of girl talk, one over a big glass of wine with somebody who wasn’t going to judge or steer her in the wrong direction.

Kaia could sense Lennox’s frustration the second she walked into the living room, groaning the entire time it took for her to open a fresh bottle of wine.

“I’ll get the glasses,” she announced, standing on the tips of her toes to get the nice glasses from the top of the cupboards. Lennox poured them a generous amount each, motioning for Kaia to follow her back to her room. Kaia grabbed the glasses while Lennox carried the rest of the wine. The second the door to Lennox’s room shut behind them, Kaia handed her a glass and plopped down onto the edge of her bed. Lennox sat in her light blue desk chair, immediately taking a long sip of her drink.

“Spill,” Kaia instructed.

“Niall Horan,” Lennox grumbled.

“You’re going to need to be more specific dear,” Kaia said. “What has he done?”

“Well, we’ve been hanging out and what not as you know,” she started. “And the other day we were out for drinks and I saw that Hattie was calling him and he flat out ignored her call instead of like…texting her and telling her he was busy. I don’t know, it rubbed me the wrong way. And then I realized I hadn’t seen her in a while and that made me paranoid that he was blowing off time with his girlfriend for me?”

Kaia nodded, pursing her lips while she took in what Lennox had explained. “Are they definitely dating?” she asked.

“Well I mean, I never asked,” she replied. “But it’s heavily implied.”

“Could they have broken up?”

“Ew, so I’m a rebound? Pass.”

“I’m just saying,” Kaia replied, rolling her eyes. “Lennox, you’re looking too far into this. You and Niall and friends and while you might have thought it was rude that he ignored his maybe girlfriend’s call, he might have thought it would be rude to you to answer it or text her in the middle of having drinks with you.”

“Oh,” she breathed out. “I suppose that’s true.”

“Yeah you big ole worrier!” Kaia said, grinning at Lennox. “Now, since we’ve only covered about half of your worries, what else is going on?”

“What do you mean only half?” she asked.

“Oh come on, I still see that look in your eyes. There’s more to say,” Kaia replied. “Tell me more, Leonard.”

Lennox rolled her eyes at her freshmen year nickname, flipping off her best friend. “That was all that was bothering me,” she said. Kaia raised her brows, peering over the rim of her wine glass as she took a sip. Her glare told Lennox that Kaia knew she was full of shit. It was going to be a long night if Lennox didn’t start talking, but she wasn’t even sure of anything. Her feelings were a tangled mess, a dangerous web that would no doubt end in somebody being hurt, most likely herself.

“Fine, if you’re not going to talk, I’m going to do it for you,” Kaia grumbled. “I think you like Niall Horan. More than you did freshmen year when all you wanted to do was shove your tongue down his throat and take him back to your room.”

“But he probably most likely has a girlfriend,” Lennox whined. “I hate that I don’t even fucking know. Like, it’s driving me absolutely nuts.”

“Just call him and ask,” Kaia said.

“I can’t just ask him that!” Lennox hissed. “I’m not calling Niall at all. I think I just need a break from him.”

Kaia rolled her eyes. “Leonard, you’re being ridiculous right now,” she said. “If I didn’t love you, I’d smack you upside the head.”

“You smack me upside the head all of the time,” Lennox reminded her. “Look, even if you say that it’s not complicated, for me it is. I…I dunno K, I really don’t.”

“Awww babe,” Kaia cooed. She leaned forward, reaching towards my desk to set down her glass of wine. “I’m sorry everything’s a mess right now. Wanna get frozen yogurt? My treat? It’ll make you feel better! It’s the best way to forget about your problems, especially boy problems.”

Lennox nodded, taking one final sip of her wine. They both put on jackets from Lennox’s closet, bundling up to brace the fall nighttime breeze. The conversation shifted away from Niall to their plans for the weekend. Kaia mentioned a few different parties that the frats were having, but none of them sounded all that interesting to Lennox. There was always the option of pre-gaming at her apartment and heading for the clubs, just with a smaller group than usual.

The list of weekend plans continued as they walked around the corner to the main street. Lennox’s rent certainly reflected the close proximity to one of the main drags in the city, but the convenience of being able to walk around the corner from her building to have access to food and entertainment was well worth it.

Lennox and Kaia knew the girls who were on working the counter at Berry Berry, which meant too many free samples and a generous employee discount. Lennox and Kaia took up their usual spot on the hot pink tufted sofa that faced the floor to ceiling window looking out onto the street. They shared their concoctions with each other–Lennox went the mega sweet route while Kaia went from something lighter and fruity–while they enjoyed the unique mix of 90s pop and mid-2000s punk rock.

“Hey! Look, isn’t that Hattie?” Kaia asked, interrupting their moment of peace.

Lennox squinted, her eyes averting to the girl standing on the opposite side of the window. “Shit, yeah,” she confirmed, hoping Niall wasn’t nearby. Instead, she was greeted by somebody else much taller and blonder than Niall. She nearly dropped her cup when she saw the guy bend down for a kiss, which Hattie obliged to.

“Holy shit,” Lennox said.

“Well this just got interesting,” Kaia commented, spooning a large glob of frozen yogurt into her mouth.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

How do you tell somebody that their girlfriend is cheating on them?

How do you nicely let your guy friend know that you saw their maybe girlfriend kissing another guy outside of Berry Berry?

GPA calculator

How to nicely break it to someone that you saw their girlfriend kissing someone else?

Lennox’s search history was an absolute mess. It had been three weeks and she didn’t know how to process what she had seen. Either she had seen Hattie cheating on Niall or she had just witnessed a completely normal and not morally wrong kiss. How was Lennox supposed to bring it up now? Oh hey Niall, are you and Hattie dating? Why? Oh because I saw her kissing somebody that wasn’t you. Oh yeah, you are dating? Sweet, good luck with that.

She felt awful distancing herself from Niall, but she wasn’t sure what else to do. She could feel the confession sitting on the tip of her tongue every time they partnered up for group work in class. Lennox slipped out of the room and disappeared before Niall could track her down to talk after class. She was being a grade A coward and wasn’t afraid to admit it. Ashamed, sure, but this was not the type of confrontation that she wanted to deal with.

Her extensive googling didn’t help her in the slightest. She was given mixed answers, some telling her to mind her own business, others telling her that it would be the right thing to do, especially if he was her friend. It made her head spin, all of the options that she was supposed to follow. The best way to keep herself from becoming too overwhelmed was to subtract Niall from the equation completely, even if that meant losing the most entertaining part of her Mondays and Wednesdays.

After years of hating to be ignored by people, Lennox should have expected that Niall would fight back. She wasn’t sure when it was going to happen, but she had an inkling that he wasn’t going to let her play games and give him the silent treatment out of the blue (from his view, at least).

Lennox packed up her backpack at lightning speed at the end of Wednesday’s class, fully prepared to bolt out of the room to avoid Niall since the Hattie sighting. Before she could even take two steps, Niall stuck his arm out into the aisle, stopping her in her tracks.

“Avoiding me?” he asked.

“I would never do such a thing,” she replied. “Worried that I’ve forgotten about you?”

He laughed, slowly lowering his arm so it fell back at his side. “Something like that,” he said. “Would you wait up for me today?”

She nodded, fingers curling around the straps of her backpack while she waited for him to pack up his own belongings. They were the last two students left in the room, the building seemingly empty after their class let out. Hattie wasn’t waiting for Niall. Lennox wondered if maybe he had found out for himself before she remembered that Hattie hadn’t been around after class since the beginning of the semester.

“So what’s up Lennox?” Niall asked, leaning against the wall right outside of the classroom. They didn’t wander far, standing too close to be face-to-face in Lennox’s opinion.

“Not too much,” she replied. “You know how it can get towards the end of the semester. Lots of projects and what not.”

“Yeah, I understand,” he replied. “Just wanted to make sure. You’ve been…well…kind of weird since we got drinks after midterms?”

“Oh,” she breathed out, pretending to be surprised by his observation. “I hadn’t realized. I’m sorry, things have just been, you know…”

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “Well, for what it’s worth, I missed ya and your disgusting black coffee.”

Lennox’s eyes averted from Niall’s gaze to the floor, the heat rising to her cheeks. “You’re an ass,” she finally said, chuckling softly. “You just miss having somebody to pester, don’t you?”

“Duh?” he said, almost as if it were a question. “And, if you’ll have me, I’d love to pester you this weekend. We’re having a pre-game at my place before we head out to a party on Saturday. It won’t be a frat party, so do you think you’d consider going to just a regular old apartment party?”

“I go to non-frat parties, dweeb,” she scoffed. “I suppose I could come to your pre-game. Is it cool if my friends come?”

“The more the merrier,” he replied. “So…you’ll be there then?”

“I’ll see you on Saturday.”

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

16 times.

That’s how many times Lennox announced on Saturday that she wasn’t going to Niall’s pre-game. Kaia originally had planned for it to be a drinking game amongst the groups of girls that were getting ready at Lennox’s apartment, but they would have for sure gotten some kind of alcohol poisoning only an hour into the night. Still, she kept count, marking tallies in lipstick on the mirror until their friend Mickie told Lennox to “shut the fuck up.”

Her room was torn apart, clothing piled up in tiny dunes across every surface. She couldn’t see her bedding beneath the sea of jeans, crop tops, body suits, and dresses that she decided were not worthy. For a solid half an hour, she had sat in the middle of her mess in just her bra and thong, internally panicking about the night. Or at least, she tried to keep it internalized. Instead, panic struck across her face, rendering her absolutely useless.

She was overthinking everything. What did it matter if Niall invited her over to his apartment? They were friends. That’s what friends did. Hattie would be there and Niall would be all over her as he should be because they were probably most likely dating. Well, at least until Niall found out that Hattie was kissing somebody else. Unless that was their arrangement?

That was the moment Lennox decided that she needed to be absolutely sloshed. There was no chance at over-thinking everything if she could barely see straight. She enlisted the help of her friends to get her dressed and finish her makeup, declaring that she was going to take at least three shots before they left for Niall’s and that there was nothing that any of them could do to stop her. And they tried. They attempted to replace her vodka shots with water, but she ended up locking herself in her room with the bottle and a shot glass, counting out each as she took them.

Kaia was the only one who could drag Lennox out of her room, coaxing her into the bathroom so she could do last minute touch-ups. She’d ended up wearing her typical party uniform, a pair of skintight black jeans ripped at the knees and a long-sleeved black bodysuit with a plunging-v. Kaia expertly smoked out her makeup, adding a nude gloss over her lips to perfect Lennox’s pout. She examined herself in the mirror, fluffing her loosely curled hair before smirking.

“You good now?” Kaia asked.

“Totes,” she said. “Who’s calling the Uber?”

“I got it,” Kaia said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. “Round up the troops!”

It took five minutes to wrangle up all of the girls, everyone gathering near the door. They ordered an XL car that was only a minute or two away from the building. They shuffled into the elevator, everyone taking their final selfies before their Snap stories became absolute drunken messes full of embarrassing videos and potentially incriminating photos, ones that would certainly be screenshotted for future blackmail (more like Instagram collages or birthday posts on social media).

Lennox ignored the text from Niall asking if she was on her way. Kaia caught her smiling at her phone’s screen, peering over her shoulder to see what the fuss was about. She nudged Lennox’s arm, trying to get her attention. When Lennox looked over, Kaia was wiggling her eyebrows and making kissy faces. Lennox merely rolled her eyes, settling back into her seat while she waited for the drive to end.

One of the girls knew the code to the building, punching in the numbers as fast as possible so they didn’t have to stand out in the cold for much longer. His apartment was on the third floor towards the back of the building. There was no question where the pre-game was, the music echoing down the hall. The group was met with loud cheers and a heavy bass when they walked into the apartment. There were probably ten or so guys spread throughout the overlapping kitchen and living room. Lennox’s eyes scanned their faces until she spotted Niall popping the cap open of a beer bottle.

Kaia poked Lennox in the small of her back, making her jump. Lennox glared at her friend, swatting her hand away. “What?” she hissed.

“Go get your man!” she said. “You look hot and if Niall doesn’t see that, I’m sure one of the four guys that are currently whispering about you now would gladly take his place.” The second Lennox’s eyes snapped to where Kaia was pointed, the guys all looked away, taking sips of their drinks.

“Whatever,” she grumbled. “Who took the drinks from my place?”

“Red,” Kaia said, referring to their friend Diana aptly nicknamed for her fiery locks. “Lennox, be smart!”

“Yeah yeah,” she said, craning her neck to spot Diana and her trusty backpack that always served as the transport for their drinks. Lennox grabbed a Twisted Tea, pulling the tab open with ease. She planned on meeting up with Kaia again, sponging onto her best friend to put off seeing Niall. Her plan was, no surprise, foiled by Niall himself.

“Len, you made it!” he announced, holding his arms wide open for a hug. Lennox wondered if he tried to get himself purposely drunk early in the night too or if he was just this friendly always. “Was going to ask if you needed a drink but it appears you’ve got that covered.”

“Always travel with my own stash,” she said, gently shaking the full tall can back and forth.

“Well, if you want something other than that, I’ve got some liquor in my room that I suppose I could share with you,” he said.

“Secret shots before the party?” she asked, quirking a brow.

He nodded. “Sounds like a bad idea to me,” he said. “Find me before we go and we’ll do them, yeah?”

There wasn’t any need for Lennox to find Niall before they left for the party. They hardly separated the entire night. He fought to have her on his Flip Cup team (he agreed to do his roommate’s laundry for a week), stayed to her left when they decided to switch over to the dice game, and plopped down onto the sofa next to her when she decided to take a water break. The more they drank, the harder it became to pry them away from each other.

“Lennox is a funny name,” Niall said, giggling into her ear as they took a break from the action of the pregame. Somebody had started up a game of beer pong, one that they had no interest in partaking in or watching.

“Niall is an even funnier name,” she replied. “Buncha silly names around here.”

“Len…nox…” he said slowly, drawing out the syllables for dramatic effect. “It’s a nice name though.”

“Thanks,” she said. “What time is it?”

“Almost ten. We should probably get going to the party…” he pointed out. “Still wanna take a shot with me?”

“I promised, didn’t I?” she replied. “Tell everyone we’re going soon. It’s going to take my friends at least ten minutes to fix their makeup before they head downstairs to the party.”

Niall stood where he had been sitting on the couch, cupping his hands around his mouth to create a makeshift megaphone. “It’s party time!” he yelled. “We’re leaving in ten! It’s on the first floor here!”

Lennox giggled at Niall’s announcement, finding humor in everything she could. He nearly tumbled off of the couch when he tried to get down, losing his footing on the edge. Instead of being embarrassed, he merely laughed, his voice cutting through the music.

Niall held out his hand to Lennox, wiggling his fingers until she gave in and slid her hand into his. He squeezed gently, leading her through everyone until they disappeared deeper into the apartment. They stumbled down the hall before Niall tugged them into a room off to the right. He flicked the switch to turn on the overhead light before shutting the door behind them.

“Your room is so clean,” she commented, looking around at its spotless nature, much different than her disaster she called a room. “Do you have accent pillows?”

“They look nice, don’t they?” he asked, looking over his shoulder at her. He knelt down in front of his dresser, pulling open the bottom drawer that was full of beer and bottles of liquor. Lennox had a stash of her own, hiding her favorite bottles of wine and splurge-worthy vodkas at the top of her closet so she didn’t have to share them unless she wanted to. “What are we taking shots of?”

“Whatever,” she said, sitting down on the edge of his bed. She immediately pressed her palms against the mattress, subconsciously working out how comfortable it was. Firm, but not too firm–focus Lennox! “Make it double.”

“You trying to blackout tonight?” he asked, stifling a laugh. “Alright Lennox Sloane, double the shots you wild thing.”

“Long week,” she lied. It had been a fairly easy week, but there was no way she was telling Niall now about what had been bothering her for the past three weeks. “Why’s your room so clean?”

“You’re very fascinated by my tidiness,” he said.

“Not sure if you’re aware, but most men are slobs,” she replied. “I once hooked up with a guy who had to fish out plates and empty chip bags out from under his comforter before…you know…”

Niall’s face scrunched up, his lip curling up at the corner. “That’s…fucking disgusting,” he said, chuckling. “I like a clean room.”

“You sure you don’t just clean it every weekend just in case you have visitors?” she asked, wagging her brows at him.

“It’s like this all week, Len,” he said.

“Ooh, you’re prepared all days of the week?” she asked, moving her palms further behind her so she could lean back. “My room’s a mess right now.”

“Why is that?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest as he leaned back against his dresser. A bottle of Fireball sat on the top behind him, along with two empty shot glasses.

She shrugged, looking away from Niall. Or rather, looking away from his broad shoulders and toned muscles flexing beneath the fabric of his t-shirt. “Couldn’t find the right outfit,” she explained.

“I think the outfit you settled on is great, really,” he told her. Lennox looked at him out of the corner of her eye, watching the way his swallowed hard as he eyes struggled to stay focused on her face. “Um, so, shot?” he asked, clearing his throat.

She smirked, pushing herself off of his bed. “Sounds great,” she replied. The alcohol started to make her feel a bit braver. She took a few more steps closer to Niall, leaving little space between their bodies after he had poured the shots. Her eyes averted from his only momentarily while she grabbed the shot glasses from him to ensure she didn’t accidentally spill.

“Cheers,” they said simultaneously, clinking their shot glasses together before tilting their heads back to down the shots. Lennox hissed, her eyes immediately closing as the alcohol ran its course. She could feel the cinnamon burning in her nose, her throat temporarily on fire as she tried to keep the shot down.

“Still want a second?” Niall asked, reaching his arm back to feel around for the bottle. Lennox merely nodded, unable to tears her eyes from the single drop of alcohol glossing over the corner of Niall’s lips. The moment he ran his tongue along his bottom lip was when Lennox forced herself to look away, staring at the ceiling instead. The Fireball smelled even stronger as Niall poured a generous amount into both of their glasses.

Lennox took a deep breath, staring at the amber liquid as it swished back and forth in the glass. They repeated the same process, toasting to the night before taking the second shot in their series. This time Niall was the one to hiss, his lips curling in disgust. Lennox merely laughed, though she wasn’t feeling that much better. A second shot wasn’t the best idea, something she’d surely regret when she couldn’t get out of bed the next morning.

“Heyyy,” Niall whined, grabbing their glasses and setting them behind him. “Don’t laugh at me.”

“S’cute,” she told him, watching the way his face reacted.

“Yeah?” he asked, brows quirked. His stubble looked even darker in the low lighting of his room, dusted perfectly across his jaw. His stare was intense, boring through Lennox as the room started to close in on them.

“Yeah.” Lennox inched forward, her hips leading while the space between their bodies closed. She pushed her chest out, watching Niall’s eyes busy themselves to find someplace else in the room to look.

“Interesting,” he hummed, his hands fidgeting at his sides. His body tensed up, his back rigid as she continued to move closer.

“Do you think anyone has actually left yet?” she asked, tilting her head up to look at him.

“Don’t really care,” he replied, leaning down until their foreheads nearly touched. Lennox froze, her lips parted as Niall started to further bridge the gap between them. She could smell the cinnamon on his breath, fanning across her neck. Niall brought his hand to the side of her face, his thumb brushing against her cheek. There was a split second where their lips brushed, enough time for Lennox to snap back to reality.

She turned her head abruptly, stumbling backwards. “I can’t,” she mumbled, her cheeks burning red. “I…I gotta go. I’m sorry Niall.”

Lennox didn’t care what it looked like as she stormed out of Niall’s room, hurrying past everyone that still lingered in the living room instead of heading down the party. Kaia caught onto Lennox’s arm before she could reach the door, stopping her in her tracks.

“I need to leave,” she told her best friend. Instead of arguing with her, Kaia nodded and called an Uber for the two of them to share back to Lennox’s apartment. Kaia didn’t force Lennox to tell her anything about what had happened, though she did ask if it had something to do with Niall. Lennox merely nodded, resting her head on Kaia’s shoulder for the rest of the drive.

As suspected, Lennox spent a majority of the night staring at the toilet water with tears streaming down her face. Kaia helped keep her hair out of her face, rubbing circles into her back while periodically asking if Lennox was alright. She dry-heaved for a short period of time before she finally felt well enough to at least finish taking off her makeup and brush her teeth. Kaia tossed the piles of clothes off of Lennox’s bed, pulling back the covers for her friend. She let Lennox know that she was going to sleep on the couch, leaving her with a full tumbler cup of water and a bottle of ibuprofen on her bedside table.

Lennox felt wretched when she woke up the next morning. Her head felt like it weighed ten tons, her stomach twisting into nauseating knots. She nearly vomited the moment she rolled over onto her stomach, pathetically reaching her arm out to grab the edge of the small trash can underneath her desk. She puked on top of the crumpled up sheets of paper and makeup wipes, hoping this was the last time that she would need to puke for the rest of the semester.

She felt absolutely drained, completely empty from head to toe. There was hungover and then there was whatever heinous feeling that Lennox was suffering from. She still felt like she was asleep, her eyes barely opened as she rolled onto her back. She felt around for her phone, tucked underneath the pillow next to her. She could barely make out any of the notifications on the screen, everything a complete blur to her. She ignored them for the time being, setting her phone back down before passing out again.

Lennox repeated the process of waking up to puke two more times before staying awake at noon. She felt less than stellar still, but she was certain that there was going to be no more puking for the day. The headache hardly subsided, but that was something she would deal with for the day if it meant no more heaving the contents of her stomach into the trash can that she would surely have to throw out.

She tackled the notifications on her phone next, turning the brightness all the way down so the blue light of the screen didn’t hurt her eyes in the dark. She scrolled through the Instagram notifications, pausing over a string of messages Niall had sent her the previous night.

Len im sry if i didsomethign

R u ok????

Cnwetalk?

Lennobx plwedse

There were a few new messages from that morning, ones that were more comprehensible than the ones clearly sent while he was drunk the night before.

Hey Lennox, look, I’m sorry about yesterday. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay this morning, after everything.

Lennox replayed the night before in her head. She was so preoccupied with trying to make herself too drunk to dwell on the Hattie incident that she didn’t even think about the fact that she was flirting too heavily with Niall. For gods sake, she nearly made out with the boy (amongst other things) in his room.

Hey Niall. Look, I’m sorry too. And I feel like shit, but I’m alive so…

Thank god you’re okay. I was worried. You ran off and you, well WE, were really drunk and I just wanted to make sure you made it home.

I wasn’t even thinking, I’m sorry.

You don’t need to apologize. What happened to you last night though?

In your room?

Yeah

Lennox’s fingers froze, hovering over the keyboard at the bottom of her screen. She would have preferred to have this conversation in person, but there was no way in hell that she was going to be able to leave her bed until the next day. She couldn’t keep putting it off and letting it get between the two of them. She let out a deep breath, typing out everything she hadn’t been able to say out loud.

I would’ve rather told you in person, but whatever. There was one night that I told you that I was going to Kaia’s apartment to work on a paper, but in reality I just went back to my place where Kaia was and we ended up going out for frozen yogurt. While we were there, I saw Hattie kissing somebody else outside and got freaked and didn’t know how to tell you. So I just…ignored you. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to meddle, but I also didn’t want you to be blindsided by it.

Wait what?

I’m sorry Niall. I should’ve told you.

Told me what? I’m really confused, Lennox.

That I saw Hattie kissing somebody else?

Why would that matter?

What do you mean why would that matter? I saw Hattie cheating on you!

Lennox…holy shit, have you thought that Hattie and I were a couple?

………….

Lennox, please.

You’re always with her!

We’ve been best friends since we were kids. She doesn’t know a lot of people here besides me and her boyfriend Peter. Which is probably who you saw her with.

I’m going to go die in a hole now. So…I didn’t see Hattie cheating on you two weeks ago then?

No, you saw Hattie making out with her boyfriend of a year. Is this really why you’ve been so weird lately?

Partially. I also got mad at you when you ignored her call when we were out for drinks that one night because I thought you were blowing off your girlfriend.

I would very much like it if we weren’t having this conversation via text message right now.

I feel like death. You can’t see me like this. Or smell me like this.

Lol. Noted. But just to clear the air…I am not dating Hattie, nor anyone. I’m very single.

Just to clear the air…I’m going to go into hiding for the next twenty years.

Will you be in class tomorrow?

I think it’s best if I’m conveniently absent this week.

Lennox come on.

She told herself not to reply anymore. She was only digging herself deeper into her hole of embarrassment. She couldn’t believe that she assumed for over a year that Niall was dating his best friend who had a boyfriend of her own. She was mortified, sure, but more so pissed off at herself for not asking him about Hattie in the first place.

She read over the last message he sent to her, pointer finger tapping the edge of her iPhone. She sighed, her thumbs gliding against the keyboard.

Hattie = friend?

Hattie = friend. That’s it.

Lennox grinned, locking her phone before setting it down next to her.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Lennox, as promised, didn’t show up to class at all that week. Without even asking, Niall sent her pictures of the notes, not even pushing her to talk further than a “thank you” with a smiley face emoji. She was happy that he was respecting her space, but she wasn’t sure what came next. It had been established that Niall was single (very single, in his exact words), yet Lennox struggled with how they were supposed to act around each other now.

She would be lying if she said that her ego wasn’t hurt slightly. She felt like an absolute idiot, not only for misinterpreting a friendship, but for skirting around the issue for nearly the entire semester. It was the week of Thanksgiving, leaving only three weeks after the holiday before final exams and projects. It was stupid to be upset that she felt like she had wasted an entire semester under a complete wrong assumption, only due to her own fear of asking the truth. What would have happened if she had asked only a few weeks into class, curiously inquiring like any friend or acquaintance would? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Kaia sent Lennox good luck texts before her class on Monday night, partially to ensure that Lennox actually showed up. She assured Lennox that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. In reality, nothing between Niall and Lennox had changed, yet it felt like everything was different when she was walking to class. Really, things had only changed from her side. The person she had once thought was in a committed relationship turned out to be single, and well, she was certain that Niall knew that she wasn’t seeing anybody either.

She had her roommates help pick her outfit out for the first time all semester. Lennox wasn’t one to care about what she wore to class. It didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but she wanted to put forth a smidgen of effort for her debut after crawling out of her dark hole of embarrassment. In truth, she really only swapped out her oversized sweatshirt or t-shirt (depended on the weather) for a cute cardigan and flowy tank top combination, courtesy of her roommate Elaine. She had on a new pair of fleece lined leggings, the insides still soft and smooth against her legs. Cognac leather riding boots replaced her usual pair of worn out Adidas sneakers, completing the cute, but still casual look.

Lennox was running a few minutes earlier so she had planned to wait outside of the classroom until class started, slipping in at the last second to avoid awkward small talk with Niall. She froze as she walked through the doors closest to the classroom, her eyes landing on Niall leaning against the wall. She took a deep breath, exhaling loudly before continuing forward. Niall’s eyes looked up from his phone as the heels of Lennox’s boots clicked against the tiled floor. He immediately smiled, lifting his arm to wave.

“Hi Niall,” she said, drumming her fingers against her thigh nervously. “I…really don’t know what to say,” she admitted.

“Me either,” he replied. “I…I dunno, I thought if I caught you before class started, we could talk. But now that we’re here…” his voice trailed off.

“Talk after class then?” she asked.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he agreed. “Shit, now I’m not gonna be able to focus all class.”

“Welcome to my world,” she joked. “You’ll finally understand how I’ve felt sitting behind you all year.”

“Hardy har har,” he said, letting Lennox walk into the classroom first. Niall was right though. It was impossible to focus on anything the professor was saying, more than usual. Her mind raced with what they could talk about it when class was over. There was a lot to discuss and catch up on. But at the same time, they also had a clean slate, one without any preconceived ideas about each other.

The singular thing that Lennox heard come out of her professor’s mouth was that Wednesday’s class was canceled, not that Lennox was going to go anyways. She had plans to leave after her eight a.m. class on Wednesday to make the two-and-a-half-hour drive back home for the holiday and long weekend. Still, it was nice to know that she wouldn’t be missing anything, especially given her absence for both classes the previous week.

Lennox and Niall waited for the classroom to empty out before packing up their bags, taking their time to leave. Even when they made it outside of the class, they lingered near the tables they usually stood around, practically fiddling their thumbs while silence ensued. Finally, Lennox did what she hadn’t done the entire semester.

“Do you want to hang out at my apartment?” she asked, bypassing any of the awkward small talk they would have no doubt exchanged.

“Right now?” he asked.

“Yes, right now,” she confirmed.

The corners of Niall’s lips curled up into a smile. “Sounds great,” he said. “Lead the way.”

Niall and Lennox walked side by side down the sidewalk, their breath visible in late November air. The silence, for once, didn’t feel uncomfortable between them. They needed to talk in person still, sure, but for the first time all semester, everything felt right. There was no guilt, no endless curiosity, not even the lingering feeling of humiliation (okay, maybe just a little).

“Oh, I didn’t know you lived in this building,” Niall commented Lennox walked up to one of the main doors to her apartment. “I have a few friends who live on the second floor here.”

“Really, who?” she asked, fumbling around the side pocket for her keys.

“Liam Payne and Harry Styles,” he replied.

“Oh, yeah I know them!” she said, leaving out the part about one of her friends hooking up with both of them in the same weekend last year. Niall had probably heard about that story. It was a wild weekend right after exams and nothing good ever happened when there were no classes to worry about for a month.

They rode the elevator up to her floor with a few other people, putting a pause on their conversation until they had a moment of privacy. Niall smiled at her from across the elevator, immediately scrunching his nose up to make a funny face when she noticed. Lennox rolled her eyes, unable to fight the smile that spread across her face.

“I’m going to suggest that you stay in my room while I go break the news to Kaia that we will not be watching tonight’s episode of The Voice together,” Lennox explained. “If she or my other roommates see you, they’re going to pounce.”

Niall laughed, nodding as she began to strategize outside of the door to her unit. “Okay, sounds good,” he said. “I can hide out for a bit.”

“It won’t take long, I promise,” she assured him. The door was already unlocked and her room was to the left of the door off of a short hallway, allowing them to sneak in unseen.

“Did you clean for me?” he joked, noting the rare pristine nature of Lennox’s room. She wouldn’t admit it to him out loud, but she did clean proactively just in case this had happened. Her smirk gave him the answer that she could never utter herself. “Alright, go sort out your TV show stuff and I’ll be here snooping through your drawers.”

“Perv,” she scoffed. “I’ll save you some time: bras and panties are in the top drawer,” she said, winking before turning on her heels. She could hear the TV loudly in the living room, followed by Kaia’s cheers for whoever was performing.

“Lennox! You’re missing a good ass episode!” Kaia yelled, looking over the back of the couch to spot her friend.

“Hey, so, I’m going to need a raincheck for tonight’s episode,” Lennox said, trying to keep her voice as low as possible.

“What the fuck, why?” Kaia asked, furrowing her brows.

“Because Niall is currently in my room,” she replied.

“Say no more!” she said, shooing Lennox away with a flick of her wrist. “Go do what you’ve been waiting the whole semester to do. Wait, no, basically your whole college care–”

“Thanks Kaia!” Lennox said loudly, cutting off her statement before she could finish it. Kaia whistled as Lennox walked back down the hall towards her bedroom, shaking her head at her friend’s antics.

Niall was sitting on the edge of Lennox’s bed when she walked back into her room, scrolling through his phone. He glanced up from his screen, immediately setting his phone down when he saw that it was Lennox. “All good?” he asked.

“Totally cool with it,” she assured him. “Soooo….” she hummed, rocking back and forth on the tips of her toes.

“Did you really think I’ve been dating Hattie this entire time?” Niall asked abruptly, his brows pinched together.

“Uh, yeah,” Lennox admitted. “Since last year, actually. I just always saw you two together and when I asked around last year a lot people said yes and a few said they didn’t know but probably so I just assumed.”

“Why didn’t you just ask me?”

Lennox shrugged. “Wasn’t really sure how to bring it up,” she said. “I mean, it didn’t really just come up in conversation and if I brought it up, I’d either seem like I was extremely nosy or was interested for my own selfish reasons.”

“I see, I see,” Niall said. He puffed his cheeks out before letting out a long sigh. “I’m torn between thinking this is really hilarious and also being really mad at myself for not making it more clear earlier in the semester.”

“Making what more clear?” she asked.

“I dunno, lots of things,” he replied. “I forget that people here don’t know that Hattie and I have known each other forever and that she has a boyfriend that goes to school about thirty minutes away, so he’s not really around campus. I also should’ve probably made it a bit clearer that I’ve been trying to flirt with you all semester.”

Lennox pressed her lips together, struggling to stop the smirk from pulling up the corners of her lips. “Ah, yes, that would’ve been convenient information,” she coughed out. “So now here we are…you…me. The air has been cleared…” she rambled, sliding her sock clad feet across the hardwood floor to move closer to her bed.

“It has indeed,” he agreed, watching Lennox inch forward at her own painstaking pace. Niall rested back on his elbows, using his legs to push off of the floor and move his body further back onto the mattress. One leg at a time, Lennox planted her knees onto either side of Niall, straddling his waist. Niall’s hands snaked underneath the soft knit of her cardigan, pushing it off of her shoulders until it pooled at her sides. She removed it all together, tossing it across the room so it was out of the way.

“So this is nice,” she murmured, her gaze locking with Niall’s. His hands rested on her waist, his thumbs slipping underneath the hem of her tank top. “You sure Hattie isn’t going to burst through the door right now and yell at me for making out with her boyfriend?” Lennox joked, dragging the tip of her finger across the stubble on his jaw.

Niall groaned, rolling his eyes. “Please don’t talk about other girls while you’re on top of me,” he begged. She nodded, tucking her hair behind her ears to stop the loose strands from falling onto her face. Niall parted his lips in anticipation, his eyes starting to close before their noses brushed. At the last second, she redirected her proper kiss a little to the left, kissing only the corner of his mouth. “Lennox Sloane, I never pegged you as such a tease,” he sighed.

“Just a fun new thing I’m trying out,” she said. “I think I’m a fan. What about you?”

“Not a fan,” he grumbled, pushing his lips out into a dramatic pout.

“I’ll take that into consideration then,” she murmured, gently pressing her fingers against his cheek. She tilted her head to avoid bumping noses with Niall, parting her lips enough to trap Niall’s top life between hers. She felt his body relax beneath her as he kissed back, tilting his head to the opposite side before taking the reins. His hands settled onto her hips, holding her body steady while they continued to find their rhythm.

Lennox wasn’t sure at what point Niall had flipped her body underneath his, or how long they had ended up making out on her bed. Niall’s hands made calculated movements, slowly migrating from the safe area on her hips up to the skin beneath her ribs where her high waisted leggings ending. She shuddered at his touch, momentarily breaking their kiss before Niall drew her back in. She smiled into their kiss, another momentary pause that made Niall groan.

“You’re very impatient,” she hummed, running her thumb along his bottom lip as she pulled away.

“I’d like to think that I’m very patient,” she argued. “I’ve wanted to do this all semester, remember?”

“Ah yes, very true,” she replied. “I suppose we should continue to make up for lost time now, shouldn’t we?”