#Uncertain Reality
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I've had the lad on the brain a lot lately, so this mistletoe dooble is a direct sequel to this one from last year 😌
#dnd#dungeons and dragons#character art#illustration#gnome#tiefling#mistletoe#I don't know that limerick would be even BRIEFLY flustered but some of us are suckers for 'taken by surprise by affection you didn't expect#also I wasn't going to color this because the cheek smooch one it's following is an uncolored sketch#but then I realized I have somehow never colored? limerick any time I've drawn him?? even though he is PURPLE???#limerick#my OCs#felix#dungeons and doodles#uncertain reality
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Letting your business partner pretend you're abusing him so you can con the living daylights out of foreign diplomats that you kept waiting for nearly three hours is crazy. And to rub it in by planning a skit where you bring him iced coffee and he complains about it? Iconic showstopping never seen before this is EVEN BETTER than the little show they put on for Taewon which was one of my favorite jinjae moments truly I feel like I just received a surprise custom-made cake after ordering a custom-made cupcake
#jinjae#chaotic ramblings#also the fact that immediately before this hyunjae was coming to terms with treating yoojin as a person and an equal#and yoojin was coming to terms with his new responsibilities that come with being a person in hyunjae's eyes#like even in an extremely uncertain time in their relationship they still manage to cooperate seamlessly and it adds all the more charm to#how vulnerable and turbulent and honest and conflicting they are behind closed curtains.#outwardly they pretend to be natural partners pretending to be a problem case which makes it all the more delicious to know that it takes so#much effort for them to actually navigate the inherent power dynamics. it's so hard for yj to hold hj accountable and for hj to treat yj as#a person. and I just think it's great that geunseo contrasted the reality of their relationship with two different pretenses#hjyj#han yoojin#sung hyunjae#sctir#the s classes that i raised#speaking of cake sctir would be great cakeverse material
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So much body horror today, huh
#bean talks too much#said the guy who is currently watching the body horror game#but I mean there's a lot been a lot of fake pep body horror ion my dash today!#and that body horror dream I had which I am still uncertain if it was real#I mean it couldn't of been but y'know reality's been a little unstable recently but I'm sure that's fineee
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Ren, finding himself cuffed and in his inmate clothes again: “I’M BACK IN THE FUCKING PRISON?!! OH MY GOD.”
#please. get him out of there…#many thoughts on what this might mean for his psyche though… is it just his future in chains or is he still a bit uncertain?#also it’s so cool how you can see the exact moment the velvet room became accessible to him again#a blue butterfly appears the moment he outwardly states that he won’t accept this reality#storyrambles#story plays persona 5#p5r
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If i think about noelle deltarune too hard i just crumple and die a little. I just want to give her her sister back and never replay the game again
#noelle holiday#noelle deltarune#deltarune#noelle you live with uncertain grief. you grieve with a distracting hope that keeps eating at you and telling you she is out there.#that she is looking for you too. that she cares and is searching and didn't give up and is walking and talking and breathing#and laughing the same laugh at the same jokes you never fully got#but then something happens. someone was loud or the wind got strong or someone called your name while you lost yourself staring at the open#freezer in the grocery store. and you come back to reality. where she is gone and has been for years. where no one has heard anything from#her in years and everyone that happened to was found dead. but someone called your name. so you turn around and laugh asking them if they#needed something. because its fine. its been years and it doesn't affect you as much as it did when you were a kid.#thats what you tell everyone#you two say goodbye and you go back to your head. its hard to focus. its hard to grieve when you have hope.#its hard to accept an answer that never was
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Like the crew of a sinking sailboat clinging to the mast, maybe we are only capable of clinging, desperately, to one reality. Whether we like it or not. But how much do we know about the secret, dark labyrinth of a river that flows underneath us, below the solid ground we stand on? How many have actually seen it and, having seen it, could make it back to the other side?
— Haruki Murakami, The City and Its Uncertain Walls. (Trans. Philip Gabriel) (Knopf, November 19, 2024)
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14x13 Lebanon and "I have a family". 14x13 Lebanon and Dean quietly defying John, defining himself outside of John and his ideals is the most important thing ever actually.
Craving more flashbacks to preseries/stanford era that are something along the line of Dean accidentally stumbling upon things that he loves or that have a profound impact on him and enjoying them, having them blow him away, only to step back and reject them. Because ultimately, at this time, he's still John Winchester's son. Craving more of Dean explicitly tired of what the job keeps him from, not just the terms of the job or the lifestyle he partakes in. More of Dean and the things he pretends don't have a profound effect on his psyche (Rhonda Hurley and the panties; the endless references he makes to queer media like his life depends on it). Which is just to say, I'm craving more 'I have a family' moments, more Dean allowing himself things he rejected to please John without guilt or shame bearing down upon him.
#you dont understand#i need pre-series/stanford era dean winchester to read the outsiders and see brokeback mountain and hear jeff buckley's lilac wine and ->#richard siken's crush and listen to hozier's take me to church#and many others#i need him to be in a vulnerable place where is finally away for the first time and has the capacity to explore who he truly is and i ->#want him to try his best to avoid it only to realize there is no way to run away from who you are#i want him to do his best to keep up the john winchester in a slightly different font act and have one of these things smack him in the ->#face with Realizations about himself and the conception of masculinity and queerness taught to him versus the reality of these things and -#what that means for him#i want preseries dean to be the girl from i saw the tv glow and then i want post canon dean to take preseries dean's hand and let them ->#both get all the love and family and soft sweet things they deserve#sometimes im of the opinion of preseries dean living it up while away from john but right now its just-#dean winchester and loneliness#queer dean winchester and loneliness do you understand#continuing to perform even when you know better because it's safe and understood and fleeting company that you know is 'better' than ->#uncertain company or no company at all#i want him to be utterly surrounded assaulted with the sounds and sights of men being vulnerable and soft and going 'wish that could be ->#me' and not unwilling to believe that IT CAN IT CAN. watches every opportunity to have it be him pass him by#i need him to see the tragedies of these vulnerable men and look at himself as a manifestation of those tragedies and to believe without ->#any attempt to engage in the things he wants for himself will end the same way and so there is no point in trying AND THEN#i need post canon dean to cradle him and go back to these experiences and reengage with them with the belief that love and joy far ->#outweigh the grief of life#do you understand#does this make sense#dean winchester#kinda dean studies if you squint a lil#spn#i have been unable to shut up the past couple of days im sorry#the cowboy muses
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disabled vegas is the most important vegas to me.
#i don't feel like elaborating in detail right now#but i feel that so much of the crunchiness of post-canon vegas is not just in the overt psychological ramifications#(losing his dad losing his position having an uncertain future)#but also in the reality of navigating life as someone who was once in peak physical condition#and now is no longer capable of doing almost anything that was second nature before#emotionally mentally physically all of this would drastically alter who he is as a person#i do wish the show had treated injuries with more care bc of this#(like pete's hand scar. how does that affect his grip strength or his capabilities in the field)#it's one of the most fascinating aspects to me and i love when people indulge in that side of the characterization
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You are the gentle sigh of spring and summer. You are full of beautiful life. You were always meant to bloom in your own time, and your time has come. You were never meant to be a wallflower, but the center of the bouquet. But you would readily trade anything for another’s sake. You would give up your place beneath the sun so another may feel the light.
A peacemaker, a diplomat at heart. Conflict is the bane of your existence, as a weed amongst your garden. Your greatest challenge is to learn to confront it, to face your fears and your doubts and approach your ambitions with confidence, lest the weeds slowly overtake you. And do not think it selfish of yourself to ask to be seen, to be admired amongst your fellow flowers. You are worthy of praise. You do not have to kill what is special about yourself to fit in.
i don't know about all that ahaha.
#dash games#(( the parts that fit are spot on#at first I (and Leo) started to be like hmmm i dunno this sounds more like him than me#but#always meant to bloom in your own time and now it's come?#like how Leo has gone through five stages of character development in the last year#and came out so much more confident and comfortable in himself ???#I started to go lmao no he loves conflict he's just been domesticated#but loving to start shit and fight isn't the same as loving conflict#like how he ignored and hid from the reality of Elliot's Contract because confronting the truth was scary and uncertain ????#obviously Leo isn't worried about feeling /selfish/ about being seen that wasn't really the problem there#but he did spend most of his life hiding#and is still learning to accept being seen#also some of these questions/part of this answer made me tear up so Leo probably choked up too ))
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A recent reading/writing compilation :)
#the vending machine at the library has diet dr peppers (and in a can even!!) and I often cannot stop myself#one book is The City and Its Uncertain by Walls Haruki Murakami#and the other is All Things Are Too Small: Essays in Praise of Excess Becca Rothfeld#both pretty good reads!#I like the murakami book bc it has characters that question reality (ask what is real#and what is unreal) it also it’s looking like it might have some ace representation? we’ll see I’m not done w it yet#idk this is compelling magical realism and I have really enjoyed reading it :)#and all things too small challenged the way I think about minimalism#and all things too small challenged the way I think about minimalism and consent. over all very interesting and thought provoking#plus I learned several new words.#and I’ve been writing a decent amount#mostly musings on various topics.little summaries of chapters I’ve read.fragemts of stories (a couple “complete first drafts).#but it feels good to be writing. like I’m working toward something.#post#my books#Hank#callisto
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hair sketches... to be honest I think I made it a little too wavy, especially the ponytail, but I still like these 😌
#dnd#dungeons and dragons#character art#illustration#gnome#laughing at myself doing the one with his hair down like AH... GALE OF WATERDEEP LOOKIN ASS....#the hair down vibe is SO different haha#anyway this is actually brian david gilbert's fault#cause he just did a music video with tom cardy where I was like 'oh his hair in this is a REALLY good ref for felix' lol#my OCs#felix#uncertain reality#dungeons and doodles
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never going to get past matrix resurrections choosing to make neo someone with a distorted perception of reality being gaslit and manipulated into compliance by his therapist, i’m so normal about it
#N posts stuff#i’ve written a fic about this like. three times but i keep losing the final draft bc i get too nervous about posting it#anyway there’s no way to interpret neo any differently imo#even tho he’s ultimately right about the world being a simulation he exists in the world uncertain of Both options#the world he’s in is real but it might not be. the matric isn’t real but it could be. he doesn’t Know and he can’t Tell#regardless of ‘which is right’ this state of being is Still a distorted sense of reality#and it’s not something being Put Upon him it’s something being Used Against him - there’s a difference#he’s not Certain of one and having to stay stalwart under the analyst insisting something different about the world#he can’t tell which is real and he Relies on the analyst to differentiate For him - and the analyst takes Advantage of that to lie to him#and even when it’s obvious the analyst is Wrong neo isn’t Allowed to question him bc ‘he’s the crazy one’#doesn’t matter which world is real - neos uncertainty Still IS an uncertainty in reality - delusion with insight / double book keeping#Also so normal about model morpheus reaching out an arm to let neo grab his sleeve as a reality check#without saying anything or drawing attention to it in any way - just tacit understanding and help#i'm SO normal about that moment guys Trust me
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the amount of Friends Who Turned Out To Be Not What They Seemed between the s10 finale and the 14 specials is so sad, good luck trusting anyone ever again buddy
#missy. memoryglass bill. o. not-donna#THEMSELF#not sure if that one counts as a friend but it definitely doesnt help#their own reflection wobbles and shifts and so does everyone else's#and now with the themes we seem to be playing with with 15. perhaps the fabric of reality of itself is.......uncertain. becoming more wobbl#wouldnt be surprised if the whole thing comes apart and at the end of s14 the doctor falls out of the television
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doing training courses for various therapeutic modalities is beautiful because now i know the secrets of social interactions.
#is me#anxiety becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy is what i am learning btw.#not in a vague sense - in a “if someone is uncomfortable it signals to the people around them that they do not belong here”#in a very innate sense. the people around you won't do it out of cruelty - they'll just feel a little nervous around you#they aren't picking up warm social signals from you and so they become uncertain on how to interact with you which prompts avoidance#acting as though you DO belong there conversely#will make you feel like a part of the circle. and people will become more warm and responsive towards you innately.#so. for me (who does not have DIAGNOSED anxiety - i've been told it's just a symptom of my adhd and theres very little social anxiety-#-overlap. some! but not a lot).#for me! i've begun trying to be more myself - in spite of the horrors. act as if i am already on the verge of being friends with the people#around me. even if i am terrified that they are finding me unbearable. finding me annoying.#but. the more negative you feel. the more uncertain you are. the more this will be reflected in your reality - at least surrounding social#engagements.#anyway.#if this tag-ramble helps someone: hell the fuck yeah! if not? yeah i get u. it's not always that easy. you do what you can though- yeah?
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once again can't sleep because I'm thinking of all the ways the x files could have been a better show. alas
#i will be getting 5 hrs of sleep max tonight :')#I'm just so mad that scully's internal conflict is introduced as her feeling guilt about following her ambitions to work at the FBI#instead of going into medicine like her father wanted. and they did one really good episode about this.#and then decided that her main internal conflict for the rest of the series would be Her Uterus.#like the whole theme of the show is that searching for the truth can make you feel even more uncertain about everything in your life#and i feel like her uncertainty about & commitment to following her ambition despite what authority figures want#would make a lot of sense both for her character and the story. it's crazy that they set all that potential up & then decided to ignore it#another thing that pisses me off is how little characterization Samantha gets. like she's just The Dead Sister.#personally i think it would be really interesting to have her only described thru Mulder's recollection because there's always a bit of#doubt over whether she was really abducted so i think it would make the viewer ask the same question as everyone else in the show--#am i really going to trust this guy? is he a reliable narrator or just crazy?#is he a reliable narrator of his own insanity but not necessarily reality?#auhg I'm so mad. they did such a good job of making interesting and compelling characters and didn't give them the storylines they deserved
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HI HAZE I hope ur having a better day today!! ;w; i love you! /pl
hey nick! days just starting while im answering this. truthfully things still kinda feel like a dream - yesterday at least felt like it, but trying very hard to manage between responsibilities and trying to reconnect with myself/doing things i like
though today there are some stuff i need to get done bc i dont think ill have time to focus on them this weekend. so just gotta push a little harder 👍🏼
#ilyyy#answered#idk. do you know how weird transitional periods kinda feel? its sort of that feeling#being shifted between two things and being uncertain which to focus on#like yeah i could just keep working hard on all this and put in effort but like lol wheres all that gonna go? nowhere#folks are still giving me a hard time about it unfortunately so i think mentally. im really checked out from reality :V#so not a super super fun time but. i just need some laughs thats pretty much it lol laughs can fix me :)#i had a good dream last night though#though ive aged in the dream it was nice going to a family bakery in winter. warm pastries :)#nick tag
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