#Ultraman king’s jubilee

[klenda-v]

Thinking about the King’s Jubilee special of 2003,

which featured Every Ultra they had a suit for at the time, an absurd amount of rap music, an Ultraman hip-hop dance troup, and Zearth’s hip-hop son, B-Boy Zearth Junior. He looks like this.

Literally I have difficulty watching this because this might be the single piece of ultra content that delivers the most psychic damage to me. It’s just. It’s absurd, it’s a musical, it revels in its shamelessness—or at least I think it does?

Link and more specifics below:

Just gathering screenshots I feel my soul deteriorating. For the curious and foolhardy, here’s a link to the video. No, there are no subtitles; no, you won’t need them. CONTENT WARNING: flashing lights and images, absurdity.

I will go briefly through each song, to give you an idea:

Song 0, 2:27 - Meet the performers

A dance/rap(?) group made of kaiju, aliens, and maybe bedazzled ultras? Or maybe they’re just dressed up as Ultras, the eyes are dark and they’re slightly Off? Maybe the announcer actually says, I think the general consensus is that they’re not true Ultras, but some other kind of alien cosplaying as ultras to…honor them? Or at least play as them for the purposes of the “narrative” they’re about to play out.

It’s also an incredibly large cast of performers. We’re just starting, we’re barely three minutes in.

UPDATE: My friend Emcee was kind enough to share the names of all the performers, which I will now relate to you:

Ultra Funk Jam

Hero team (or ‘ultras’):

Dyna Rocksteady, Gaia Electric, Zearth Funkygroove, B-Boy Zearth Jr., Cosmos Air, 80 Super Cool, Agul Boogiedown, Tiga Spinning, Ace Galaxy Step, Seven Shuffle, Justice Pointer

Kaiju team (which is actually mostly seijin):

Baltan Big Twister, Pit Flash, Izaak Wildstyle, Magma Freeze X, Dada Sexy (YES REALLY), Lady Benzene Hypnotic, Godola Popping, Bomberhead Gan-Q, Deban Floorcrown, Chaos Headder Grandmaster, B-G-RL Lady Benzene Daughter, Z Capsule Kouju Miraclon

Song 1, 3:15 - four-man hip-hop dance

There are no words I can possibly use to match the actual experience of watching this. I think it’s the fact that I can’t tell if this is satire, or if they’re playing it completely straight. They never tell us. Or maybe they do, I don’t speak Ultra.

Imagine if you will, any late 90s rap. Then imagine the music video for it. But filmed as if it’s a live stage performance, but also everyone is a trained gymnast and we get synchronized flips with Zearth Funkeygroove, Justice Pointer, Gaia Electric, and Tiga Spinning.

Song 2, 4:14, Kaiju Team’s turn

Now that I’m watching this, I think it’s framed as a dance competition? Where the kaiju and “ultra” teams alternate songs, like a rap battle with performances?

Anyway this song starts with an audio sample from, of all things, the sound Ultraman’s timer makes when he’s in mortal peril. This audio blinks sporadically throughout the song, hitting that sweet spot right between “huh I guess it’s just playing at the beginning, huh” and “actually using it as a sample/carrying any meaning.” Maybe the weird timing of the audio has significance with the JP lyrics, but I doubt it. The timer blinking tempo doesn’t quite sync up with the tempo of the actual music.

While the NotUltra’s solo performance had heavy use of flips, the kaiju team impliments a lot of floor work. Lotta breakdancing, if the camera cuts slowed down enough for me to catch most of the moves. Honestly the dancing throughout is very solid overall, with, again, the big caveat being the bewildering editing choices.

Also I think the ultras in the audience are moshing? Maybe I don’t know what moshing is. Watching this, I don’t think I know what anything is anymore.

Song 3, 5:21 - Kaiju Team, or the “Sexy Dance Time, Check It Out” one.

I…wish I were making this up. This one stars Dada Sexy (his [their?] actual name), alongside a feminine-coded alien I only later learned was Lady Benzene Hypnotic. At this point I wonder whether this is better watched high, or if this is already making me high.

The groove to this one starts notably different, but like…if the Cha Cha Slide tried to be steamy. And no I didn’t grab a screenshot mid-frame-shift, this part is literally shot like this. It goes on for several seconds. They wanted it to look like this.

Oh and the Not-Ultras are here too. Seven Shuffle is one of them. Do with that what you will.

The dancing itself is definitively less hip-hop and more…interpretative dance? I absolutely believe that this is an alien party, because nothing about this presents as remotely normal or human.

Partway through, a green screen cape (Kings?) flies through the screen. I can’t bring myself to care. Every Ultra in the audience is Very into it.

Then about halfway through they switch it back to…hip-hop? I think? It still has multiple Interpretive Dance elements to it. The Not-Ultras bedazzled suits have neon lights on them, btw, I think you should know that.

And yes, by the end, they have the (male) narrator's voice chanting variations of “oh, sexy” in a way that makes me feel. vEry uncomfortable and I wish I could turn back time. I can only hope that the writers truly, legitimately didn’t know what that word actually meant in English, or what it implied if you sing it with the breathy energy they put into this number.

Benzene Hypnotic lets out an alien scream/trill at the end of the song, and we cut to the Ultra audience applauding at what a fun song that was. I want to go home.

7:43 - The Kids Come And Do a lil dance!

This next song is the intermission, a little ditty sung by and danced to by children. One of whom is B-Boy Zearth Jr. Zearth has a child. I barely notice; I’m still reeling from Sexy Dance.

This song, inexplicably, also has the “Dying Ultra’s color timer” sound. It actually appears more here than in the “villain” song. The song itself is…I think cute and charming? It’s hard to tell, my eyes are still glazed over. The kids do a pirouette or a cartwheel or something. The song ends, the announcer praises how super kawaii the performance was, I get a drink.

9:03 - Actual Dance Battle

This one has Justice Pointer, Agul Boogiedown, and I think Dyna Rocksteady (Might be Gaia Electric; his head is weird so I can’t tell), in a dance battle against three Kaiju Team members. This one’s probably my favorite, it sums up the weirdest parts of this while also having some legit solid dance moves. That and since it’s turn-based, we get lots of cool freeze-poses. Plus Agul Boogiedown throws up some gangsta peace signs, which is deeply funny after watching how edgy he is in his show.

The rap song itself appears to also be framed as a rap-battle? I think? My JP is limited but each team’s bar of music seems to be lightheartedly dissing the other/pumping themselves up. Everyone ends the battle by doing the splits on the floor, which is what my head’s gonna do in a minute.

10:42 - A Ballet Number

What’s that? You wanted this to make less sense? No? Well that’s okay, this is basically a ballet number (??????), with violin and slow swaying from the crowd. Zearth Funky Groove is dancing ballet with Lady Benzene Hypnotic. It’s actually…you know what, this is kinda nice. It’s a nice break from—NOPE ITS HIP-HOP AGAIN, LADS

But like a…flamenco (I think?) influenced hip-hop. This song is actually really interesting in terms of merging VERY different influences. Definitely a musical style inspired by the carribian or one of the Romance languages, but asking me to search my mind for factual information while watching this is like asking a boxer to do trigonometry mid-match.

The announcer tells the crowd to grab your sweetheart and dance with them. Tiga bows before Camearra and offers to dance (she graciously accepts). A Daadaa propositions Seven to dance, which seems to catch him off-guard in a bad way. Ultra Father offers his wife his hand, though they don’t properly dance, they just hold hands and sway to the music. Incidentally, Yullian and 80 are present and clearly went together, but they don’t couple up for this dance (that we see).

This doesn’t fit anywhere, but Zoffy is REALLY into the music. Like I’ve never seen him this enthusiastic for anything before. It's really sweet honestly. He’s dancing alone but is clearly more than happy that way.

12:22 - Final Dance

I have trouble articulating exactly what happens in this segment. Clearly it’s framed as a final battle, but those interpretive dance bits are still mixed with the hip-hop. As before, the dancing itself is quite good, if you like incredibly 90’s hip-hop dancing and breakdancing. It’s definitely the most floorwork-heavy of any of the songs.

The camera-work, while strange but functional before, takes a turn even further into the surreal. Some of the camera cuts are so rapid you’d think it was a stage-3 marvel movie; in places it gets to about 5 cuts per second. It will also cut not only between angles on the same person mid-action, but to random other shots, like the crowd of ultras, or a different dancer, or someone unrelated doing half a flip before cutting back again.

I think this must be the point in production where someone discovered you could rotate a camera, because suddenly multiple flips or dance moves are filmed with the camera spinning—presumably to follow the movement, but not quite synchronized and there’s no way we’re doing another take.

At the climax of the song, I can only assume Ultra Father saw some risk to the child-dancers; the music gets tense, and the kaiju-dancers close in around the kids, who cower back-to-back. Ultra Father exchanges an urgent glance with his wife, and together they SHOOT A PULSE OF ENERGY AT THE PERFORMERS ON STAGE.

Which puts everyone on an acid trip. Or I think it does? The colors turn negative/green/weird, and then all the adult-coded performers drop to their knees in a clearly rehearsed part of the dance.

I’m losing my mind. What was this? Was this choreographed or not? Was Ken supposed to do that? I can only think he must have, but then why did his body language radiate legitimate fear for the children’s safety? Why have the Ultra Parents do that part, isn’t this King’s party?? What am I going to do with the avocado I bought two days ago and is gonna go bad??

Not labeling this as a separate song, because the last one never truly ended. But this is clearly the epilogue of the “fight”; the ultras do elaborate secret handshakes with the aliens and monsters, indicating everything’s A-OK now. I will never be A-OK again. The announcer is chanting “happy," though I think he’s repeating the last syllable a bit too much. I don't think they thought through what yelling "HAPPY-PEE" would actually mean in English.

The experience ends with King’s greenscreen cape floating down and King materializes onstage between the two child performers. He then levatates back up, which is the most normal thing to happen this whole time. He says something in English that sounds like maybe “Happy Mercy?” Messy? Blessing?

After the third listen, I realized he’s saying Happy Birthday. It’s his birthday. He’s saying it to himself. The crowd wildly applauds his self-congratulation and repeats the English phrase, and King makes his bows. My splintered psyche notices that the foley-work on his cape movement is very nice.

The end closes out with what I at first think is a hip-hop version of Dyna’s opening theme. I am wrong. They start a weirdly paced hip-hop beat with Cosmos’s “Something You Can Do” vocals. They loop the opening line twice, then go back to rap.

The announcer delightedly cries in English “See you NEXT YEAR!”

I take this as a threat.

[klenda-v]

My time has come

An unnecessary list of Ultraman media to watch while high:

Ultraman Taro, absolutely, but UltraSeven and Ultraman Ace are wayyyy up there too

Ultraman Leo (if Taro was exactly as unhinged, but instead of the mc being a Silly Lil Guy it’s someone being brutally tortured by his mentor every week, including having his face cut up by boomerangs for training, or kicking a waterfall for seven hours)

King’s Jubilee 2003 (an Ultraman hip-hop dance battle “movie”—you don’t even need to be high for this one, you get that just by watching it)

Just a compilation of Ultraman Blazar’s fight scenes

UltraSevenX (think The Matrix but it’s a 2007’s mystery series where usually a monster did it, and then UltraSeven shows up with angry eyes and eight-pack abs, and Wake Me Up Inside starts playing. A persona favorite)

Might go back and add more, but those are off the top of my head

BONUS NON-ULTRAMAN TOKU: Kamen Rider Gaim (there is no way to even explain the premise without sounding clinically insane, and what the premise even is depends on where you are in the show)

saw someone on twitter asking what toku is the best to watch while high and ppl were giving suggestions like donbros or exaid when the obvious correct answer is ultraman taro like it's not even a competition