#Ughhh trying so so hard not to be ungrateful or snobbish about my relative ease of understanding + memorisation

[ophthalmotropy]

I hate being called a perfectionist because it builds up this idea of someone with a work ethic and rigurous self-discipline when I'm... not. It happened after my 100% score on an oral exam, and I sort of accepted it because to admit that I got by because I'm lucky to have a good memory and be able to understand and remember the subject just by paying attention in class some of the time and cramming for 24 hours would be disrespectful to both the professor and her subject. And this isn't to humblebrag about my memory; while I won't be falsely modest and deny I'm proud of my relative ease with academics, I genuinely wish so badly I could work steadily and constantly towards a goal instead of relying on wits and adrenaline at the last possible second—most of all because it doesn't work all of the time; I failed an exam recently because I couldn't get off the computer.