#UGRHH
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HI GUYS! one month update 😭😭 i'm literally so done with school, but i have another 2 months to prep for the real deal 😭😭 i have exams next week to prepare for the national exams, I'VE BEEN GRINDING EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR NON STOP. i can't wait for this to end so that i can come back here and start writing again 😢😢 i miss all of you 🤍🤍
#UGRHHHH IM GNA PULL MY HAIR OUT#i hate the education system here#UGRHH#anyways how are y'all#i miss all of you#hehehehehehrjddhdh#bgomtori ✰#bgomtori rants˚ ༘ ೀ⋆。˚
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Some more Artfight attacks I’ve done! Users I attacked in order under the cut!
@pocket-goat, @lemon-ve-ghost, @liceinmyteeth @hdra77
Sorry if you guys don’t want to tagged btw urghhhr currently being strangled by social anxiety rn
#artfight#digital art#slugcat#rainworld#My art#cameroneatsdirt#ced art#rw#art#Rw#i hate tagging shit ugrhh
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Me earlier today: wow I an so god at being so normal after having one of the worst intrusive thought dreams ever :)
Me later today when I actually have to interact with people: oh god this is literally all I can think about fuck
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dancing with our hands tied part II — s.h
you can find part I here
pairing: steve harrington x fem!reader
warnings: 18+ ONLY, minors dni!!, ANGST, making out, swearing, drinking, alcohol mention, JEALOUSY!!! eddie's a bit of an asshole i am sorry, but so is steve sometimes!! and so is reader? idk!
summary: in which steve is in love with his best friend's ex. (wc: 8k+)
a/n: this is part 2 of this fic here !! pls make sure to read it before this!! anddd, im sorry for how confusing the first part was, BUT HERE'S THE HIDEOUT INCIDENT!! and i didn't use POVs this time and i kinda gave up on dates ugrhh. also i have a little bonus content at the end even tho its so a lil silly!!! also did not proof-read this, pls ignore any mistakes or ill scream n d*e
Friday, February 7, 1986 || The Hideout.
Steve stole a glance in your direction, and immediately realized the mistake he had made.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Why did you have to be so fucking perfect? Why did you have to have the most contagious laugh that immediately brought a warm smile to his lips?
Steve leaned against the bar as he watched you further, reveling at the way your eyes crinkled at the corners when you gave Robin a giggle, nose scrunching as you mimicked whatever story you were telling, drawing him in without even having a clue on the effect you had on him.
Your eyes met his for a brief moment, his heart pounded inside of his ribcage when you looked at him like that, as if your eyes were smiling at him. He held your gaze, giving you a subtle nod.
God, if Steve didn’t tell you how he felt about you soon, he was sure he was going to explode.
He turned back to the bar, head filled with the idea of opening up to you, he had to do it soon or else—
“Harrington!” Eddie beamed, interrupting his thoughts as he grabbed onto Steve’s shoulders, “You mind helpin’ me out?” He grinned, causing Steve’s brows to furrow.
“Can you put in a good word for me?” Eddie muttered, hand pointing toward the booth, “What are you talking about?” Steve muttered, his eyes following him.
“Y/N.” Steve hoped to God that Eddie didn’t notice the shock in his eyes, blinking quickly as he tried to control the jealousy building within him.
“I swear I’ve had the biggest crush on her,” Eddie exclaimed. Steve couldn’t help the way his face fell; he wondered if Eddie could notice it, but by the way he grinned at you, Eddie probably had no fucking clue about his feelings for you.
“Since when?” Steve sounded bitter, chewing at the inside of his mouth to stop himself, “Uh, since forever, dude,” Eddie said, chuckling.
“Put in a little good word for me, yea? I know you guys are close and shit,” Eddie gushed as he squeezed Steve’s shoulders again, and Steve was tense now, his entire body almost burning with rage and resentment.
Maybe it was wrong for Steve to be petty about this; maybe it wasn’t fair to you that he spent the rest of the night ignoring you; maybe it wasn’t right for him to act this way, but Steve had been on this rodeo before.
He was always the second choice, and he knew that he was never going to be someone’s priority. Because of that, his reaction was warranted; at least that’s what he believed. Ignoring you completely while he bitterly watched Eddie make moves on you was the only way he could cope with it.
And it was driving him crazy, knowing that Eddie was getting under your skin with the advice he got from Steve and learning everything about you from him.
At first, it was all just some passive aggressiveness, until it turned into something bigger, until you finally couldn’t take it anymore.
Because there stood Steve, across from the gang’s booth, leaning over the wall as he whispered something into Tammy’s ear—Steve’s ex.
With her shiny blonde hair and her big eyes, she threw him a hearty giggle, sticking to his side, while Steve barely blinked, allowing her to drool all over him.
You had no right to be jealous, not when Steve had no clue about your feelings, not when Steve didn’t owe you a thing, but you couldn’t help the frown on your face as he ignored you all night and was fine with stupid Tammy Thompson being all over him.
Your throat burned with the number of shots you took, you could never handle your tequila, but the numbness was exactly what you needed. Your mind was getting dizzier with Steve being pushed back into your thoughts.
You could feel yourself getting lighter and lighter with each sip, gaze barely holding over Steve’s direction anymore when Eddie had been keeping you company the whole night.
To think Steve was supposed to be your close friend felt like a joke now. The more he was with the blondie, the more you felt your stomach churning, gaze drifting toward Eddie to keep yourself from looking in his direction.
You felt desperate.
Steve probably saw you as the girl who was wrapped around his finger, the girl who followed him around like a puppy. Maybe that’s why he was ignoring you, trying to keep you from clinging to him.
You fidgeted in your seat; not being able to get up and tear her off of him was killing you, and your head was pounding because of the amount alcohol in your system.
It was getting harder to ignore the jealousy that gnawed at your insides.
Eddie didn’t seem to notice anything, but Steve did.
With each shot you took, with each step you took closer to Eddie, Steve couldn’t help the sharp pain he felt in his chest, the same rage of jealousy gnawing at him as well. He knew he couldn’t do anything about it, too, so he buried it deeper and deeper until he could make sure those feelings for you were impossible to reach.
You were going to be dating Eddie, and Steve needed to get over you as fast as he could.
Maybe that’s why he didn’t mind the attention coming from his ex.
By the time Steve arrived back at the booth, Nancy and Jonathan were already gone, you were in the bathroom—possibly puking your guts out, and Robin was getting ready to leave.
“What the fuck happened here?” He asked, concern washing over his face. “She drank a bit too much,” Robin mumbled, knowing how much Steve cared about you.
“You should maybe check on her, yea?” She gave Steve an all-knowing look, causing him to shrug.
“I can’t—” Robin interrupted him with a death glare.
“I would, but I have to go or my mom will actually kill me this time,” She groaned, saying her goodbyes before leaving in a hurry.
“Dude, I gotta bail too,” Eddie puffed his cheeks as he put on his leather jacket. “What?” Steve asked, baffled.
“She’s wasted!” He exclaimed, his eyebrows shooting up quickly, causing Eddie to shrug, “She’s probably puking her guts out right now, she needs you.” Steve’s eyes narrowed; he couldn’t believe that Eddie would even think about leaving you alone in a condition like this.
“Gross, dude,” Eddie said, making a face as he cringed, causing Steve to roll his eyes.
“Real fuckin’ mature, Munson.”
“You drop her home, man, I’m too fuckin’ hammered for all of this.” He gave Steve’s shoulder another tight squeeze; this time Steve was sure his blood was boiling, his eyes darkening with each word Eddie spoke.
This asshole had the audacity to use him to try to date you, and he couldn’t even fucking treat you, right? Steve shook off his thoughts before he could do something he knew he would regret.
Eddie was his best friend, and he could never let his feelings for you get in the way of you actually being happy.
“Are you going to get a cab?” Steve asked, “Yeah,” Eddie muttered mindlessly.
“Then give me your jacket.” Steve’s tone was now cold, almost demanding, and his demeanor changing within seconds was throwing Eddie off,
“No fuckin’ way,” Eddie chuckled mockingly, he didn’t notice the serious gaze Steve holds.
“Dude, your house is five minutes away, you’ll be fine, just give me your jacket,” He demanded again.
“Why the fuck would I do that?” Eddie spat.
“Because you asshole, it’s the middle of February and Y/N is wearing a fucking dress, it’s the least you could do for leaving her like that.”
“Why don’t you give her yours?” Steve didn’t know how to control the rage coursing through his veins.
“Do you see me wearing a fucking jacket?” Eddie was sure he had never seen Steve like this, with those veins in his forehead visible as he could feel his fists clench. Eddie’s eyes widened, clearly taken aback by Steve’s bizarre behavior.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Eddie mumbled before taking off the jacket with a few huffs escaping from his lips.
“There, you happy, man?” Eddie hissed, almost tossing the jacket toward Steve, “Fucking ecstatic,” Steve replied with an angry smirk.
Steve sighed before he made his way to the bathroom. Not knowing what was waiting for him inside, he knocked on the door hesitantly and asked, “Y–you okay?” The shakiness in his voice was exposing him.
A faint ‘Yeah’ was all he heard before you unlocked the door.
And there you laid on the dirty bathroom tiles, your hair disheveled, make-up smudged, and you could barely get your head up from the toilet seat.
Steve’s heart sank, guilt settling in his insides again like an old friend. He knew he couldn’t always take care of you, and he knew that you’d be with Eddie soon, but he couldn’t help but feel the crushing weight of guilt when all of this could’ve been avoided if he was just there for you.
And his mind was still reeling about the fact that Eddie dared to leave you like this.
Would the fucker even be able to treat you right?
“Want me to help you?” He asked, hands itching to reach out and hold you, but you dismissed him like it was nothing, like he didn’t mean anything to you anymore, and it had only been an hour since Steve had learned that Eddie was into you.
“No,” Even when you were this messed up, you held onto your grudge, shutting out any feelings of understanding or empathy toward Steve, even though he was only trying to help you out.
“I can help, to, you know—hold your hair and stuff,” He stuttered, he had never been this nervous around you.
You flushed the toilet as you attempted to get up, “I’m not—I didn’t throw up,” Your words were slurred.
“If you… if you feel like throwing up, I can—”
“No!” You exclaimed a bit too loudly, throwing him a cold stare. “I’m just trying to help you, Y/N.” His tone sounded disappointed, but you could care less when he had acted like a jerk most of the night.
“I don’t need your help,” You snapped while flushing the toilet, trying to stand still, your head growing dizzier each time you moved.
Steve breathed a heavy sigh and said, “Here.” He ignored your protests as he helped you up, warm hands were tight around your waist. If you weren’t this embarrassingly drunk and a huge mess, you would’ve started getting your hopes up.
But not after today, not after he ignored you to be with Tammy Thompson all fucking night.
“I got it!” You spat, trying to free yourself from his hold. “Let me help, please.” This was the most genuine he had been tonight, his voice almost pleading as he threw you that pitiful look, and you hated it.
You hated being the one Steve pitied and not the one he pined after, but you swallowed your pride when you realized you couldn’t even walk properly.
You barely questioned everyone’s absence when your mind was filled with Steve.
And once he dragged you out of the bar, you couldn’t help the petty words that escaped your lips; you couldn’t stop them even if you wanted to.
“You can get back to your girlfriend now,” You muttered bitterly, your voice clear. There was venom in your tone, and your grudge was poison with the way it seeped into your words.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Steve sighed, and you lightly pushed him off of you as you stood still on your own.
“Does the name Tammy Thompson ring a bell?” You narrowed your eyes. You wish you could tape your mouth right now and stop yourself from spilling so much of your feelings to Steve.
“What does that have to do with anything, Y/N?” His tone remained cold now; your heart was in his hands, and he was squeezing it each time he distanced himself from you.
“You’re such a fucking hypocrite,” Each time you dismissed him, you unknowingly tore open the old wound in his heart, keeping it fresh.
“If—if you wanted to take care of me so badly, then why did you ignore me all fuckin’ night?” Your face heated with anger, and your tone was tinged with frustration.
“Should go back to fuckin’ blondie over there,” You muttered under your breath, avoiding eye contact with him, unable to conceal the bitterness you were holding onto.
“Oh my god,” The realization dawned on Steve at a crawl.
You were jealous of him.
“You are jealous,” Steve couldn’t help the annoying smile on his lips, much to your dismay. You were jealous of him, and as selfish as it was, it was amusing to him.
“What?” You snapped, eyes narrowing, “I’m not jealous—” The look Steve threw at you was enough to break you. “Jerk,” You mumbled under your breath. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Oh, it dooooeees,” He said, dragging his words out to annoy you further, as he took a step closer to you, almost closing the distance that he had been keen on protecting the entire night.
He was frustrating, so fucking frustrating, spinning your head faster than all the booze in your system. You couldn’t help the way your eyes grew mellow when he looked at you like that, you wanted to take all of him in.
This entire day was beginning to grow tiring, from Eddie’s sudden interest in you to Steve’s emotional whiplash, and now, since you couldn’t keep your mouth shut for one goddamn second, he was aware of your unnecessary jealousy.
“I’m not doin’ this with you,” You slurred again, hands wrapping around yourself almost as an attempt to conceal yourself from him, he could see right through you, and it was making you feel things you were not ready for.
“W—where is Eddie?” Those were the worst three words that could come out of your mouth. Just when Steve was basking in the glory and the hope that you were jealous of him, you decided to bring up Eddie, and with just his name rolling off your lips, you were re-opening his wounds.
Why not him?
Why was it never Steve?
Steve gulped; physically, he wasn’t sure what step to take would be better, to put a distance between you and him or to put a distance between him and Eddie.
And even though he knew he would regret doing this like there’s no tomorrow, even though Eddie doesn’t fucking deserve this decency, or you, Steve decided that he can’t do this to his friend.
“At least he’ll take me home!” You exclaimed so confidently that Steve couldn’t help the dry chuckle that escaped his lips.
“Yeah, I’m sure he would.” Steve quipped, grinning. He was mocking you again, unaware of your growing frustrations.
“What the hell is your problem?” You narrowed your eyes. “Unlike you, he didn’t ignore me all night to be with his ex, and he gave me his jacket.” Steve chuckled at that, again, frustrating you more and more, each time he opened his mouth.
With an irritated frown, you shot a sharp glance at him and asked, “Is everything a fucking joke to you?”
“Do you enjoy making me upset?” You crossed your arms against your chest, “You don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself!” You snapped, not even knowing know why you uttered those words, you knew better than anyone that Steve wasn’t selfish; he never once put himself in front of his friends, but you were aiming to hurt him, and he was ready to bite back now.
“You are so fucking ridiculous, I—I can’t do this with you,” You murmured dejectedly, not being able to help it when your voice cracked; he was so embedded in your brain that you couldn’t form coherent words with the space he took up in your mind.
“You have no idea what you’re even talking about,” He whispered, shaking his head. If only you knew.
“Did you actually stop to think about how shitty it makes me feel when you give me these stupid emotional whiplashes?” You asked, and if you dared to get closer to him, you might’ve lost the purpose of the argument, your gaze drooping down to his lips every few seconds.
Steve stared at you blankly; you were unable to make anything out of his expressions, he looked at you as if you never existed to him, on a fucking whim.
Your lips tremble, a telltale sign that you would break soon.
His no response spoke volumes to you, “Of course you didn't.” You gave him a dry chuckle, filled with bitterness, and turned on your heel to walk away from him.
The slight breeze of February air hit you harder than Steve’s words.
He sighed a heavy breath when he heard you gasp at the coldness, hand reaching out to your arm before he spun you to meet his gaze again,
“Watch it, Y/N.” The words slipped past his lips forcefully, his chest puffing down with each breath he took. He was so fucking close that one move from you would change everything.
The tension was palpable; unspoken words and emotions hung in the space between the two of you.
And there it was.
There were his emotions again, filling his gaze quicker than you realized. If you weren’t this shitfaced, you could possibly do something about the ever so slightly distance between you, your foreheads almost touching. But your mind was spinning with endless possibilities. “Or what?” You teased; maybe it wasn’t the right time to do so, but you wanted to push him, make him break, the same way he did to you.
How far was he willing to take it?
His grip on your arm tightened; it wasn’t harsh, but tight enough to send shivers down your spine. And you couldn’t determine a single thing he was thinking again, eyes locked with each other without a single word being spoken.
You could sense his mind wandering off to find you a proper answer, trying to pick his words carefully, but you didn’t want that.
You wanted to know what he was thinking—what was going through his mind when he looked at you like you meant something to him, like he was ready to risk it all.
It was momentarily, but you could see it all—the sudden flint of confidence that didn’t waver enough to be convincing.
It wasn’t long until he returned to the cold demeanor he had been reserving just for you. “No, you’re not fucking worth it,” He muttered, taking a step back before he bit the inside of his cheek—hard. The metallic taste of blood flooded his senses, but he could care less; if he hadn’t done it, he would’ve poured his heart out.
He would’ve risked it all just to see those sparks in your eyes, but with five words, he had managed to kill it, slitting all the possibilities with the sharpest knife he could find.
“W–what?” Your voice cracked, and you fucking hated it. You hated being this weak in front of him, with tears ready to spill every time you had an argument, even over the smallest things.
“Just–Fuck! Look at you,” He didn’t want to say it; he didn’t want to burn this bridge with you, but he knew he had to for his own sake and for you to be happy with Eddie.
“You—you’re all over the place, always relying on others to take care of you, just one fucking night I didn’t baby you…” He shook his head. “And you act like I’m fuckin’ insane for doing that!” His voice was calm and collected, and that was what was throwing you off. How could he relay your insecurities in front of you, crush your heart to pieces, and pretend as if what he was saying was okay?
You couldn’t help it when tears flooded your vision. You tried not to let them get to you, but the alcohol in your system was far too dizzying and hormonal to stop your emotions from flowing. You didn’t know why he decided to utter those words, but it hurt.
Each of the gazes you shared and each word that transpired, deepened the wound in your insides that you didn’t even know existed, your feelings were at the surface, and you were vulnerable at his expense.
But Steve didn’t care.
“I—I can’t believe you’d say that,” You whispered, blinking the tears away when you took a step back, the hurt subsiding when it transformed into rage. “Fuck you,” You spat, your words weren’t slurred this time, but your vision was blurry again, barely taking another look at him when you started to walk away.
And he didn’t call out after you; he didn’t even flinch.
You were all alone.
You let your emotions overtake you as you started sobbing, sniffling every once in a while as you tried to comfort yourself.
Eddie could drop you home, you tried to reassure yourself, you knew there was a payphone close to The Hideout, if you could just walk a few more minutes, you could just call him—but holy fuck, did your feet hurt. You cursed yourself for not listening to Nancy when she told you to wear more comfortable shoes.
You were wobbly now, tears pouring down your cheeks, your smudged mascara distorting your view further, and it was dark out, so fucking dark that it started to scare you.
Your mind reeled more and more, and your chest felt trapped with each shallow breath you took. Eddie would’ve never uttered those words to you, your angry mind decided, Eddie wouldn’t flirt with girls—his exes—in front of you.
Eddie would never give you this sort of emotional whiplash.
And most importantly, Eddie would never leave you like this.
You felt so tired, just wanting to sleep, but you knew you couldn’t turn back now. Your feet were aching, but you’d rather they blistered than see Steve again.
You sat on the ground, relief washing over you when you got rid of your shoes, and the dirty, cold concrete ground felt so comforting that you nuzzled into the leather jacket, arms wrapped around yourself to provide more warmth as you sniffled into it.
You’re not sure if you can ever be with Steve anymore.
Sure, you could still be friends because you did have many big, stupid fights—granted, none of them were like this; this was different.
This was the first big fight you had with him since you realized your feelings for him, and it hurt.
Steve was not who you thought he was.
He was never going to love you.
He only saw you as his friend, and right now, even that was questionable.
And there you were, pathetically pining after him while he was drooling all over other girls, chasing him down and making a mess of yourself just for him to leave you like this.
You sniffled again; Eddie would never, and he actually was interested in you.
God, how you wished he could find you now, take you home, and whisper sweet nothings into your ear as he tried to mend what Steve broke.
You knew it was selfish, but it was the only way.
Maybe if Eddie could make you forget him completely, he could remind you that you weren’t a mess and that you were perfect.
Your vision blurred again, hot tears were stinging your eyes, but the ground was so comfortable.
Steve was right, you were a mess, you were a huge fucking mess, and you were pathetic, but you didn’t care as you hugged yourself further, head falling into your lap as you let yourself fall more and more into the deep pit of despair.
And that’s the last thing you remembered.
You didn’t remember Steve running after you as he realized how much he fucked up; you don’t remember Steve seeing you curled up into a ball, almost falling asleep.
You don’t remember Steve lifting you up and carrying you before anything bad happened to you.
You don’t remember the apologies Steve muttered into your ear on the ride home, how he checked every few seconds to make sure you were okay, his hands never leaving yours as he wanted to punch himself for even putting you in a position like this.
You don’t remember Steve whispering sweet nothings into your ear when he tucks you in, and you don’t remember him almost staying till the morning to make sure you were okay and didn’t get sick.
The last thing you remember was the fight.
You woke up the next morning with a groan, and you were sure no painkiller was going to help the pounding in your head.
You couldn’t help but cringe when you looked in the mirror, your hair was an absolute mess, the top that adorned your neck was covered with alcohol stains, your make-up was smudged, and you only had one earring.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” You sighed, taking off the dirty clothes as you put on a comfy shirt, your room was as messy as you were, bag on the floor while its contents spilled out, and… a leather jacket?
Slowly but surely, last night’s events came to you in a blur. The last thing you remembered was the fight you had with Steve.
Both of you spewed some hurtful things at one another, and that’s the clearest you could remember it.
You examined the leather jacket sprawled over the floor, and your brows knitted together, Steve didn’t even have a jacket on last night; you remembered because Robin made fun of him for not bringing a jacket in February when Steve whined about being cold.
You read the tagline; E.M.
Oh god.
Was it… Eddie? Did he drop you off when you were embarrassingly drunk?
Was Eddie the one who took care of you the whole night while Steve threw you away like a piece of paper?
You remembered the hurtful things he said to you; your mind was too jumbled up to even recall the nice things he said to you afterward.
You knew you have to talk to him, mend your friendship, but all you could think about now was Eddie, how he took care of you, and how he was there for you.
That day you called him, and he told you in detail how wasted you were and how he had to carry you home. You made up with Steve afterward too, both of you muttering apologies to each other as you promised not to let stupid things get out of hand.
And that day, Eddie took you on your first date with him.
NOW
“Buckley, you mind ringing these up for me?” You beamed, throwing her an innocent smile, your eyes wandering off to Steve’s absence next to her.
You gave her the ‘Evil Dead II’ and ‘Dirty Dancing’ VHS tapes nonchalantly, waiting to ask her about Steve.
Robin’s eyebrows shot up, “What kind of a double-feature is this supposed to be, huh?”
“A very fun one,” You said with a slight smirk, handing her a couple of bills.
You scanned the store, he was nowhere to be seen, of fucking course. “Harrington running from me again?” You almost cursed yourself for saying that out loud, but you couldn’t help it, something snarky would’ve slipped out eventually.
You saw Robin almost freeze, her mouth hanging open as her brain short-circuited to find a quick answer.
“I—It’s fine,” You mumbled. “Just tell him I would really like to talk to him. Once his weird tantrum is over?” You commented; it was snarky again, but he deserved it.
Five days had passed since the party, and Steve had been avoiding you like the plague, not returning your phone calls, and sneaking out the back each time you visited Family Video, and it was driving you crazy.
Determined to talk to him, you spent the last few days re-evaluating everything. You wanted to ask him what the fuck he meant—was everything that led to you dating Eddie a lie?
And did Steve never think to tell you this, even once the two of you broke up? His audacity was pissing you off, more than ever now that he was avoiding you.
Then small things started coming back to you in a flash, like the drunken confession you made to him last week.
But you were still clueless about The Hideout. You racked your brain away, but you couldn’t remember it for the life of you. Even the fight with Steve was so vaguely burned into the back of your brain, you simply didn’t want to remember it, or the hurtful words he uttered to you that night.
You had decided to forgive and forget, had no intention of going back to that head space, until recently, when Steve decided to blurt out that he was the one in Hideout, leaving without explaining anything further.
You tried to fish it out of Robin, but she acted clueless, and you tried everything you could do to reach out to Steve, but it was useless.
So that only left you with one thing.
Eddie.
Eddie had told you the day after The Hideout incident that it was he who took you home, detailing everything that happened that night.
You were basically breathless by the time you made it to Eddie’s trailer, knocking on the door, until it hit you.
What the fuck were you doing? Knocking on Eddie’s door when he had no fucking clue what was happening, when he had no idea you and Steve had kissed.
When he had no idea that you knew.
You shook your head in embarrassment as you turned around, about to leave, coincidentally and to your dumb luck, that’s when Eddie had decided to open the door.
He stood speechless when he saw you, his eyes almost bulging out of his head. “Y/N?” He asked, tone barely audible.
“Hi.” You muttered, accepting Eddie’s invitation as he stood aside for you to enter, and you squeezed by him with a quick ‘thank you’
“Look, I know you’re wondering why the fuck your ex showed up at your door but—”
“Oh, don’t worry.” He interrupted
“I do have an idea,” He smirked slightly, causing you to throw him a confused look, you were about to open your mouth, ask a million questions, but he didn’t let you.
“I know everything,” He muttered, and you couldn’t decide his facial expressions. “Steve told me about all of it.”
“And I already told him there was no bad blood between me and you and that it was fine that you guys kissed—”
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
“What?!?” You exclaimed, not expecting Steve to babble about it to Eddie when he had been avoiding you.
“Look, honey, Steve was all blabbering and shit when he came to see me, tellin’ me all this shit about how much he liked you and how sorry he was,” Eddie said with a concerned look.
“And I told him it was all fine, Christ—when did we even date, like 2 years ago?” You didn’t answer him and he sighed.
“I always knew the two of you had something for each other, I mean, why’d you think I got so jealous anytime you guys hung out together alone? He was definitely—“” He rambled for what felt like minutes, and you were quick to interrupt it, eyes blinking rapidly as you tried to process what the fuck was going on.
“Stop!” You exclaimed, “That’s… uhm– good to know, but not what I came in here for,” You muttered, eyes wandering to the ground.
He threw you a quizzed look, brows knitted up together, “I–I wanted to ask you about something,” You gulped.
“Well, spill it out, sweetheart, you’re makin’ me all nervous and shit.” He gave you a dry chuckle.
“What–what exactly happened that day?” You knew he was going to ask what the fuck you were talking about, so you cut him off before he got a chance to speak.
“At The Hideout… Two years ago.” You could see Eddie almost panic visibly, he didn’t expect it, and did it really matter now, after everything?
“Shit… why won’t you ask Steve about all this?” He scratched his head, it was all awkward, you coming here, asking him something that was two years ago, Steve telling Eddie about the kiss while refusing to acknowledge you…
It was embarrassing, really, and with each passing minute, a rage fueled inside of you. Sick of the hiding, and the lies. You just wanted the truth, and for Steve to not run at the first inconvenience.
“I would, if he didn’t avoid me like a fucking child,” You spat under your breath, causing Eddie to chuckle. He shook his head again.
“Right, so… I’m assuming since it was two years ago, you won’t be mad at me, right?” He asked, an innocent look spreading over his face, almost fearing as he saw how angry you were at Steve.
You almost rolled your eyes, these two idiots were making your blood boil. “Just want the truth, Munson, then I’ll be gone, I promise.”
“Right!” He chuckled nervously before telling you everything that happened that night.
You called Eddie right after you found his jacket, blabbering like an idiot as you thanked him a million times. While Eddie had no fuckin’ clue what had happened, he was still trying to get over his own hangover, but he wasn’t going to completely shut you down, not when he wanted you this badly, not when you were in the grasp of his hands.
As soon as you hung up, promising him a date, he called Steve, and he didn’t even have to beg him to play along; Steve was just... okay with it.
Steve knew the moment Eddie told him about his little crush that the two of you had no chance and that Steve would only be a little thought in the back of your mind, while Eddie would be the first choice, because why wouldn’t he?
Why would you choose him over Eddie?
And with all the sudden information flooding your mind, you weren’t sure how to react, how to vent all these emotions running through your veins, so you did it the only way you knew how; anger.
You checked the clock; 10.08
Steve’s shift should’ve ended long ago by now, you barely mumbled a goodbye to Eddie when you left, mind focused on one thing.
Steve.
You arrived at his door with your lips tightening and your jaw clenching, you weren’t going to give up now; you were going to talk to him. Now or never.
You knocked on the door so hard that you were sure your knuckles were bruising, and Steve was baffled when he opened the door, mouth almost agape as he looked at the sight in front of him.
“You know what you are? A fucking coward,” You mumbled, not giving him a second to process anything as you shook your head.
“You are a selfish fucking coward! Do you think you can make decisions for other people? You think you can just take their choices away and pretend like everything is fucking fine!” Steve didn’t utter a word when you let it all out, your words meshing with each other, and you could feel your blood boiling each time you spoke, but it was… weirdly relieving.
All that pent up anger was finally coming out.
“And you told Eddie?!? You fucking talked to him but didn’t have the guts to even face me! Five days, five fucking days, I followed you around, you fucking jerk!” You spat, your eyes flashed with anger as your face came closer to him, he didn’t even flinch, eyeing you curiously, those deep honey glazed eyes were warming the more he looked at you.
And Oh God, was his gaze inviting, so warm, but you couldn’t soften up… not when you still had so much to say.
“Do you know how embarrassing it is for me? No—no… Fuck that! I don’t even give a fuck if it's embarrassing, I’ve been–I’ve been living a lie and you–it’s your fault…” You mumbled the last part, chest heaving, when your fiery gaze met his, he was itching to talk, and you could tell.
“That—that’s a bit dramatic don’t you think?” He muttered, causing your eyes to narrow, “Look why don’t we just go inside and have an adult conversation? No need for these tantrums—” And that hit a nerve.
“Don’t,” You muttered, closing your eyes, the rage bubbling up to the surface again, gnawing at your skin, waiting to welcome you.
“Don’t you fucking dare to tell me to have an ‘adult conversation’ when you’ve been avoiding me like the plague!” You exclaimed angrily, face heating with anger, Steve nodded, understandingly. He didn’t mean to sound like a jerk, he just wanted to talk to you. He had been debating what to do these last five days, and shutting you out during that was obviously stupid, but that’s how he handled everything, wallowing it all until he chewed his emotions, keeping them hidden.
“What was I supposed to do?” He asked, almost defeated, and it made you want to chuckle, he was sending you over the edge.
“Are you kidding me?” It wasn’t a question; it was stupid for Steve to even attempt to open his mouth.
“You could have talked to me!” You took a deep breath; your anger wasn’t going to help, and if you didn’t talk to Steve as soon as possible, your head might have exploded.
You sighed as Steve stood aside, leading you to the living room, and your anger subsided with each step you took. The familiarity of the house was engulfing you, and you wanted to scream.
What if Steve had told you this would change nothing?
What if this was it for the two of you?
Your head was swirling, and it hurt, both physically and emotionally. It was taking a toll on you and Steve could sense it.
“What—what really happened… that day?” You asked, voice barely audible as you avoided his gaze.
Steve sighed as he took a seat next to you on the couch, hand itching to lay on your thigh, squeeze it to make you feel comfortable, just so you would look at him, but he resisted it, hand flexing as he placed it between the two of you.
“You–you remember our fight?” He mumbled, causing you to nod. “We both said some stupid shit to each other—”
“Well, you started it—” You gazed up at him, and this time he threw you a look, causing you to close your mouth as if to signal him to continue.
“And—and you left… and the second you did, I just felt this horrible fucking pit in my stomach, I could never—I could never leave you like that,” His voice was shaking, hands flexing again as he inched closer to you.
“I found you on the street, Y/N, almost passed out, and I lost my goddamn mind for leaving you alone—even for a second, I ca—I can’t fucking imagine what I would even do if anything happened to one–one fucking strand of your hair—just the thought makes me sick to my stomach—Jesus.” He muttered, face still toward you as you could trace it now, the worried lines etched onto his forehead, a frown taking upon his usual plump lips, voice cracking as you could sense it, the utter worry and desperation in his voice.
You couldn’t open your mouth, words failing you as you opted out to hold his hand instead, a small gesture, but one that made Steve’s entire stiffness disappear. One touch from you warming him up immediately.
“I took you home as fast as I could—I tucked you in, made sure you didn’t get sick, and then I left.”
“Why?” You asked, meekly.
“Why did you let me believe it was him? Why did you ignore me that night?”
“It–it doesn’t matter now,” He mumbled, and your brows furrowed again, fury still locked up inside of you.
“It fucking does!” You snarled, insides burning with anticipation and anger.
“Stop being a fucking coward,” You yelled, you didn’t want to scream at his face, but he left you with no choice. If you wanted to talk to him, you had to get some things out of him, no matter how much it angered you.
“Just tell me, Steve, full transparency, I want it all out.”
Steve’s silence caused a groan out of you, “If you don’t, I’m gonna leave… for good,” You whispered.
You were bluffing; you weren’t going to go anywhere without getting some closure, but Steve didn’t know that, and he had never seen you this riled up, so he sighed when you got up.
“I didn’t want to lose you!” He got up after you, staring at your back for a full minute until you turned around to meet him, a quizzed look overtaking your features.
“What?”
“God! I wanted to—Shit. I wanted to tell you about how I felt, but then Eddie came and he told me all about how he had feelings for you, and, uh, I just panicked— so fucking hard. I knew you would have chosen him, and I had that rejection one too many fuckin’ times, and I—I knew I couldn’t handle it from you!” He exclaimed, breath ragged as his brown orbs looked at you with such sympathy that you wanted to drop everything and kiss him, tell him that he would always be your first choice.
“I knew you would choose him and—”
“I didn’t want to be a second choice again, Y/N, I was so fucking scared—” You shook your head.
“Steve you—god, you have no fucking clue about anything,” You chuckled dryly, interrupting him.
“When you ignored me for Tammy that night, when you told me that I wasn’t ‘worth it’ that’s when I decided to contain my feelings for you, I knew you didn’t like me for anything more than friends—I always thought we had a ‘will they won’t they’ kind of relationship but that night, confirmed it for me,” You looked away, almost ashamed, face burning up.
“I felt so fucking desperate—like you wanted to push me away like I was an idiot girl who was clinging onto you, and now everything is just so confusing that I don’t even know what is going on.” Your hands ran through your hair.
“But you were and will always be my first choice,” You didn’t mean to smile, but it just appeared, anger washing away. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” You muttered, and Steve’s entire demeanor changed, his body relaxing as he realized how much of an idiot he had been.
“What?” He asked, baffled, a small smile overtaking his lips before you could say another word.
“Yeah,” You murmured, taking a step closer to him,
“So… we’re both idiots, huh?” He asked, basking in the way you looked up at him, batting your eyelashes as your warm aura engulfed him.
“Hmmm… I’d say it’s more you than me,” You mumbled, scrunching your nose, as Steve huffed playfully, inching closer and closer to you. You didn’t know where this took the two of you, but your mind was so busy when he was standing this close to you.
One strand of his hair fell onto his forehead, and all you wanted to do was run your fingers through them, kiss every inch of his face, run your lips along his soft ones, feel his calloused hands on your curves, grabbing desperately, meek grunts leaving his lips, both of you breathless.
And that’s exactly what you did—without a care, you closed the distance between the two of you with an annoyed huff, fingers running through his shiny hair.
His hands were quick to land on your hips, grabbing them like he was afraid of you slipping away, once again. And it all felt so easy and familiar that you could feel your head spinning.
His lips brushed against yours softly. You didn’t want this moment to be over, wanting to cling to him forever. Everything he did made you feel foolish and insane, and you understood why being in love felt like losing your mind, again.
Steve groaned into your lips, kissing you harder, once, twice, his lips never fully letting go of you, and you didn’t know if it would ever be enough for you, utterly craving nothing but him.
Your mind was jelly at this point, everything was tangled together while the question of ‘What’s going to happen now?’ lingered in your mind. Did he still want you? Did he still want to be together? Why didn’t he just come to you after talking to Eddie?
You tried to shake them off, tried to focus on the way Steve’s hands stuck to your body, like they belonged there, and the way his lips moved along yours, like it had always been this way.
You wanted to continue, wanted so badly to not let this moment go, but the bickering voices in your head were too much, and you pulled away slowly. Steve almost groaned when he felt the absence of your lips. He blinked once, twice.
“Oh, fuck. Do that again.” He unintentionally let out, gaze filled with lust as his pupils were blown wide, and a small giggle left your lips. “You are an idiot,” You whispered, your gaze settling on him.
Was everything going to be okay?
How were you even going to manage to make this work?
And with that, your expression soured, “Steve,” You said seriously, causing him to look up at you with concern all over his face. “I don’t want to get hurt again.” You murmured, forehead touching his.
“I won’t hurt you, ever.” His gaze was intense, and it made you feel giddy, worries washing away in seconds. You don’t know how he fucking did it, but it worked.
And you trusted him like no one else.
You couldn’t help it when your lips twitched into a smile. “You promise?” You gushed.
“With all my heart, honey.” He whispered, taking a deep breath.
“You have no fuckin’ idea how long I’ve been waiting for this, dreaming about this...”
“I would never, ever do anything to hurt you.” He muttered, his hands tucking the strand of hair that was blocking him from placing messy kisses all over your face.
“I couldn’t handle losing you, not again,” He murmured before leaning in to press more kisses all over your soft lips.
ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-
bonus scene: just for shits n giggles idk
“What movies did you get today?” He asked with a childish grin on his lips.
“If you weren’t avoiding me, you would’ve known, pretty boy.” You exclaimed dramatically, crossing your arms against your chest.
Pretty boy.
The only thing that stuck in Steve’s brain was that he was your pretty boy.
And this giddy feeling inside of him was never going to go away, he decided.
He huffed playfully before he grabbed your bag, causing you to gasp. “Let’s see…” He murmured as he tried to find the VHS tapes.
“Aha!” He exclaimed as he grabbed the two of them, turning the cover to see what movies you rented.
“Oh my god,” He murmured. “A double-feature? For us?” He couldn’t help the way his lips twitched into a smile, so warm that you wanted to bathe in the glory of making him this happy.
“Mhmm… First, Evil Dead II for me, and once Stevie gets scared, we’ll put on Dirty Dancing.” You give him a wink.
“Oh, Jesus Christ,” He groaned. “You are so fucking perfect, I’m gonna lose my mind.” He placed a kiss on your forehead.
another a/n: so this is a bit messy bc i had too many ideas and this is the best i could do to fit them all in, i hope this doesn't feel that disconnected from the first!! work has been kicking my ass lately so my mind is all mushed lmao!! feel free to leave ur feedback and pls comment, like or reblog to support me ily <33
#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington imagine#steve harrington x you#steve harrington fanfic#steve harrington oneshot#steve harrington angst#steve harrington x y/n#steddie x reader#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson x reader#steve harrington fic#steve harrington fluff#stranger things imagines#stranger things fic#steve harrington#ex!eddie munson
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In this unforgiving city that thrives on the cruel indecency of human nature, where the most ignorant crowds choose to remain oblivious to the horrors of their own society, where even the most powerful figures fail to protect the people they were required to protect, where authority thrives on greed, and people choose to benefit themselves for their own personal gain…
Who will be the ones to break out of this cycle? Who will have the conscience, the morale, the courage to stop this neverending terror? Who will finally stop turning their heads away from the harshest, evilest reality and face to fix the ruin this world was left in?…
That’s right.
Detectives Edward Gale and Matthew Graves Harper, circa 1945.
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(Some Eddsworld Noir fanart I decided to make and was super proud of it :D Tried to come up with a short introduction to suit the mood! I redesigned Matt to have those fancy black dresses and UGRHH I LOVE THESE TWOO Consider this some Noir EddMatt 💪)
#eddsworld#eddsworld fanart#eddsworld edd#eddsworld edd fanart#ew edd#ew edd fanart#eddsworld matt#eddsworld matt fanart#ew matt#ew matt fanart#eddsworld noir#eddmatt#eddmatt fanart#mattedd#mattedd fanart#noir#ryemackerel art thing#Spotify
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Bro everytime i see chuuya mischaracterization it lowkey kills me slowly on the inside. Like bfr how can chuuya keep up w paperwork, strategize countless battle plans, be the #1 best fighter in the mafia, and is an executive? Like its not all about being strong you gotta also be smart. And just bc he doesnt go out of his way to jump people psychologically doesn't mean hes not smart like bro thats just bc hes not a sadist 🙏���� like no hes not all "omg ugrhh u just said the name dazai and now im gonna explode!!" Like no hes more than that, he has his own identity outside of dazai's short jokes and insults. Also reminder how he was able to fool fyodor and pretending to be a vampire? Yeah thats insane and more should start acknowledging his intelligence instead of mocking and dumbing him down. It feels like reading about a woman written by a sexist whose all op, does no wrong, naive, damsel in distress, shy pick me
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freshman 1000
this is the final part to the freshman 15 series that so many of you were begging for. It will be short but I’m sure you’ll enjoy.
Jakes roommate Ben was living alone now. After Jake had moved out, they never found a new roommate for him. Ben didn’t mind but he kinda missed Jake sometimes. He decided to visit him on his way back from class. When class was over, Ben went to the McDonald’s on campus to pick up some food. “What can I get for you today sir?” The worker asked. “Yeah let me get a medium cheeseburger meal with a Diet Coke” Ben said. “Anything else?” “Yeah. I’m also going to get ten Big Macs, 15 large fries, a 20 piece nugget, a few ice cream cones, and I’m just gonna fill this bucket I brought with Dr Pepper.” the worker looked at him in shock.
Jake had been moved into a new dorm by the school after what happened to him. He got so heavy, he fell through the floor into someone else’s room when he tried to walk to the fridge. Jake’s new room was on the bottom floor this time, and it was much bigger. Ben arrived to Jake’s dorm and opened the door. “Hey dude! I brought you some food” Ben yelled. “Ugrhh” Jake murmured. Jake had somehow grown to over half a ton. He was huge. His massive stomach covered his legs and his fat feet stuck out like chubby stumps. His enormous arms hung by his sides looking like the trunks of trees. His fat face looked like it was melting with the amount of fat covering it. He had shallow breaths and smelled awful. There was no way to wash a person so big. Ben grabbed to food and fed it to Jake. Jake had become a bottomless pit. Living solely to eat and grow. Sometimes people would have parties where tons of people would come to Jakes dorm and feed him for hours. Jake never got full or anything though. It was all just a snack to him. He had bloodwork done once a week to ensure he was still healthy. No doctor could explain it but Jake was the healthiest person they’ve ever seen. Also the fattest. Jake had become the unofficial mascot of the university with his sheer size. Jake no longer attended classes but since they couldn’t fit him through his door anymore, they decided to just let him live there. And eat. And grow. Soon he would become too big for the room. It was happening fast too. With every passing day, it seemed like Jake had put on another 10 pounds. Even the local bakery owner gives their leftovers to Jake at the end of each day. Jake was quickly becoming the fattest person in history. It kinda turned him on.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA!!!
(and HK)
Crazy that their birthday is the closest to mine right
I fogeot to draw hk...,,
Anyway happy 1 day early birthday to me🤑🤑🎉
And
Ok guys nevermind i cant find the hk flag ugrhh🤬
#hetalia#aph#hws#hetalia canada#aph canada#hws canada#hetalia hong kong#aph hong kong#hws hong kong#canada#hong kong#canada day#july 2024#WOOOOOOO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY (and HK)
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UGRHH im working so hard to get oc-tober weeks 1-2 done for good 💔💔💔
anyways ARUUUU
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Welcome to my first fanafic!
Hope you like it <3
Realitionship: Lucifer x Diavolo x Mc
Warning(s): Sex toys, Edging, refers to Mc as Master, Light BDMS, Masochism, Sadism, Collars, Foot fetishist
In Diavolo's bedroom...
"MASTER PLEA- UGHH PLEASE LET ME- URGHH LET ME C-UGHHHHH-UM LET ME CUM"
You increase the vibrater In Diavolo's ass.You notice Lucifer is trying not to make any noises. You have a sadistic grin on your face. Both of your puppies gulped.
"UGRHH" "p-pl- URGHH"
"I'm not sure what you said Lucifer~"
"No-nothing...
ARGGHHH"
You scoff "You're so pathetic like that Lucifer 'The Avatar of Pride' huh" You tug on Lucifer's Leash
"Mas-Master Ple- URMMP"
"I didn't quite catch that Diavolo"
"Please let me- me CUUUUMM- URGHH"
"Alright, but make sure you do it on Lucifer"
"Wha- NO"
"Are.You.Defying.Me?"
"N-no, sorry Y/N"
"Huh what did you say?"
"Mas-master"
"Good" You say as you pat his head
"I- I'M CU-CUMINGGG~~!"
Pffft you laugh at the sight of a cum covered Lucifer
"Aww my puppy look so cute~" You say as you rub some cum of his face.
"Lick it."
"Wh-"
"Don't. Make. Me. Repeat. Myself."
"Y-yes" Lucifer than proceeds to lick Diavolo's cum off your fingers
"URGHH"
"Does seeing this slut" You say as you tighten the grip on Lucifers hair, he then let's out a "Mhh"
"Does seeing this slut licking your cum off my fingers turn you on?"
Diavolo's cock twitches
"Y-yes- MRRGH"
You had increased the vibrater In Diavolo's ass to the max
"Feel good puppy?"
Diavolo tries to respond, but to ultimately fail, and instead only making moaning noises. Lucifer looks to his left greedily. Wanting that same pleasure he witnesses.
You notice Lucifers cock twitch "Y'know all you have to do is beg right puppy?" You say as you pull on Lucifers leash. Proceeding to step on Lucifers bare dick that lay in front of you a Human.
"UWAA"
"That's a new noise"
Lucifer blushes not noticing Diavolo taking out the vibe in his ass, and replacing it with his thick juciy cock.
"GAAH"
"D-dia ARGGHH"
Pfft they looked so pathetic in front of you A Human.
"You know" You say as you step on Lucifers cock even harder.
"It's quite entertaining watching the 2 strongest demons fucking like a rabbit infront of me A Human.
Lucifer opened his mouth with a puff of hot air breathed on you foot. He puts his tongue on your socks. Proceeding to then bite you sock. Pulling them of you leg.
Precum oozed on you're feet
"Ugh, so nasty for the Avatar of pride to be such a slut" You say as you move you're still socked foot to Lucifers mouth
"Take it off" You say as you rub his face.
He has no choice but to comply. Lucifer breathed hot air on your socks. Putting his tongue on it. Proceeding to then bite it. Taking them off.
"Lick it"
"Wha- No way!"
"Huh? What did you say" As you say this you move your leg down and stop on his dick.
"Lick it if you wish to cum"
He complies
"URGHH"
Diavolo had just found Lucifers G-spot
"No don't-
N-not there~~!!!"
"Are you feeling good from this LucIIII URMGHHH"
"Diavolo don't forget to pinch those cute priced nipples~"
"Huh! Priced!?"
Lucifers face is reder that Levi's face when you had caught him playing hentai games. Wich was an entirely other story.
"MRRRPH AHHH YE-YESS!!!:
"MORE~!!!"
"Let-ts cum together LucIIFERRRR~~!"
You activate your pact with Diavolo and make him stop
Both Lucifer and Diavolo beg you to let them cum. Oh boy it's gonna be a long night.
#obey me smut#sub obey me#sub diavolo obey me#sub lucifer obey me#hot toys#sex tw#collars#sex bdms#sex tool#bd/sm slave#lucifer x diavolo#obey me diavolo#diavolo x reader#om! diavolo#diavolo x mc#shall we date diavolo#sub lucifer#3somme#3 some#no plot whatsoever#bare foot#footwear#feetish#feetcurves#foot fetiš#foot feddish
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TUMBLR LET ME SCROLL AND LISTEN TO MUSIC I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABLUT THEM ADS UGRHHE
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Why did I make this lmaoooo
welp uhh here’s my first song publicly even if it’s not that serious loll
(the cover was also drawn by meee :3)
ohhhh my pccccccæ🚁🚁🚁
Original clips used under cut :)
youtube
youtube
#Ohh my pc#Music#song#my song#furry music#shitpost song#My music#first song#i hate tagging shit ugrhh#Furry#furry art#meme#Furry music artist#GET ME OUT OF TAG PURGATORY ☹️☹️☹️#GarageBand#garage band#Youtube
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HRRGHHYASHUIAS one of the reasons that I got into this ship was the pure unfiltered angst that is gave me , ugrhh the food...
Some day
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re-watched the first x-men film and ugrhh the fucking best marvel franchise ( w spiderman lol ) buuut i do find it sad that the og team is like swept under the rug in film ... like the redhead dude ++ the blonde one ,, also the girl w wing ( iirc you see the beast a bit in the others films and obvi misty )
#rambles 🧸#i am sorry for not calling them by their names but they are v differents in french and im too lazy to look them up
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I should seriously start posting more serious art and not shitpost doodles ugrhh
#i have such little time to do cool stuff waagh and when i do i only draw dumb memes#this is a never ending cycle#jawz.txt
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why are men so disgusting?, mostly! how they talk or behave or their skin and veins ugrhh
yes I am a man too, but..... I want to throw up
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