#Twas kinda fun I'll admit

[call-me-chips]

As per the note challenge, I have done the cleanings

Starting situation:

After the cleanings:

[soyezheureux]

i just woke up and suddenly remembered one of my friends from the community service program back in college.

as i recall, twas about a year before the service program started that i first met and got acquainted with her. of course the goal was to get to know all the members better while we were finalizing all the ideas and plans during the program.

the funny thing is, the person i mentioned in this post is from the same faculty as my best friend (who's also a member of my gang and i meet regularly). you could say it's kinda "the world's narrow" (but it's narrow anyway) hahaha.

i remember asking my best friend about this person on a few occasions coz i got the impression that she was cold and seemed fierce. my friend had a similar take. he said she's easily offended, speaks firmly without caring about the feelings of others as long as she's right, and is sometimes quite cruel.

darn! i was a bit worried at first coz we were in the same division. inevitably, i had to interact with her for a longer period of time than the other members. but in the end, i decided to keep it as it was and just try not to upset her HAHAHAHAHAH. just a heads up, i'm a pacifist and try to avoid drama 😎🤘🏻

at last, the service program began. we, 20 students who are basically Javanese islanders (regardless of bloodline or tribe), have to go to one of the islands in eastern Indonesia, Maluku. we were split into two groups: the ship and the plane team. the ship team left almost a week earlier coz yeah... they got to visit more islands in Indonesia (fun fact: the ship and its route are exactly the same as the ship i used during my 2024 new year's vacation trip to Sulawesi hahaha). the girl in this story and i were on the airplane team. we left one day before the ship team's schedule to reach our final destination of Maluku.

at this point, i'm starting to see another side of this girl and it's so lovely! i mean, she's not that bad??? over time, i've also started to feel less worried. but i still don't dare to joke too much with her coz i've to keep my image to look “safe” in her eyes HAHAHAHAHA. remember, i'll still be dealing with her more than i will with the other members.

one day, i got a schedule to teach at one of the elementary schools together with her. i've to admit, i panicked a little and felt like i was in a bit of a "i'm dead!" moment (i'm sorryyyy ✌🏻). but i came to realize that i had made a mistake and gone overboard. bruh.. my teaching partner that day was super excellent!!!

i think she was a different person than the one i had met when we were with other members hahaha. even without her knowing afterwards, i always wished we had the same schedule coz i enjoyed it. we even go out together to walk around, buy food/drinks or look for daily necessities, and we'll just walk aimlessly just to talk to each other personally (honestly it's more like she's confiding in me coz at that time she was annoyed at one of our members hahahaha).

just so you know, my friend's relatively small especially when compared to me. picture a wall clock 🕐: i'm the minute hand, she's the hour hand. i realized this when we walked side by side and gave her a side hug, she was so small. i wondered, is her fierceness a self protection mechanism for her small body? hahaha ✌🏻

OH! one thing i should mention (coz i know there will be people who disagree with this kinda behavior) is that i gave her a side hug coz she looked really sad at the time. i mean, i'm not good at comforting someone with words. so, i just gave her a side hug and a light pat on the shoulder to cheer her up. after all, at that time i still had the girlfriend i loved the most even though our relationship ended a year later 😎 (dang, out of topic!). i've come to realize that i've managed to maintain my image as a "safe zone" for her hehehe

oh, a funny thing happened! this happened when the program was over and i went to her boarding house to complete our responsibility of writing a report. at the time, we were sitting next to each other and she saw that i had just sent her a file via WhatsApp. then i locked my phone and continued writing something on paper. she saw everything clearly and then said, "you know, i was annoyed with you several times coz every time i chatted with you, the information that you were 'online' suddenly disappeared. but strangely, you still replied to my chat. i thought you had just finished it on purpose. read my chat, then replied an hour later coz you still don't wanna discuss this report."

bruuhhhh??? it wasn't my attitude that annoyed her, but that silly WhatsApp feature??? HAHAHAHAHA

and yeah, that's how our friendship started. it's ended once the community service program wrapped up the semester after that. we (i mean, all the members too) focused on our respective theses and graduated from college. sadly, we haven't had any personal contact since then hahahahaha

[lemonflowercat]

Dora Milaje

currently fighting off the urge to doomscroll - which is basically a metaphoric way to escape my reality which is too much sadness for me to bear atm. failure is hitting hard, PMS misery is hitting hard. I hate that I can't stick to goals I set up for myself, I hate how I can't seem to get myself to work on things that are actually in my best interest. and things that I actually enjoy doing but somehow I can't seem to? I know how all of these things make me happy, and yet I'm always self sabotaging and it's just...so much disappointment. me, disappointing myself, week after week, getting stuck in vicious cycles I can't seem to break, constantly battling self loathing and the impending doom of failure. I just <throws hands up in the air> I can't even just sit here and scream save me - because that's victim mentality, and I'm the only one who can help myself but ok buddy but what if I can't???

-----

back after finishing The Wildlings - 'twas a decent read, a little childish. i'll give it points for creativity - it was fun to pretend like i'm inside the minds of animals, and the overall premise was simple and engaging. the characters were very lovable but also slightly trope-y: powerful young protegee with no control over her powers, all-knowing heroine who dies in battle, curious mischief-maker, motherly warrior. it was a good light read overall.

after i was done with the book friends kept me company - it turned into a surprisingly social day - and although i wasn't exactly in the mood for it, and didn't go looking for it, in the end i'm glad it happened because it kept me from losing my mind.

new day, renewed determination, and possibly new perspective?

[] morning walk/run or yoga x6/w

[] evening wxo x6/w

i have to admit, my life is kinda too busy at the moment to really fit both of these in comfortably. if i'm really being honest with myself, i've taken on two physical activities because i feel like i need to justify eating 1400 cal vs the 1200 diet i was on before. the rational part of me is aware that, most sources say that 1200 is too little to maintain sustainably and it's too restrictive to contribute to building a healthy food relationship. but the irrational side of me is so focused on "lose fat asap" that it's often fear that's driving my choice to double wxo more than anything else.

apart from that, it actually really does feel good to clock in these two sessions. i love the post-walk/yoga clarity in the morning. the few hours i have studied in the past couple of days have been in this time. and my evening workouts are strength based - which i also love doing.

the logical thing to do does seem like skipping on one of these to free up more study hours, but i - and this is the part of me that just enjoys these talking - don't want to miss out on either. so, these stay. but remember my 80% = success rule? it's the fear of gaining weight part of me that makes missing out on these wxos weigh heavy on me, even if i've achieved that 80%. that's the part of me causing me all the misery the next day - and i want to hug it and say, bruh 80% is 80% ok? we don't do special priority goals in this game. --- i should name this part of me. the fat-phobic-part, she's the one who's borne the brunt of fat girl insults, cursing her body for not looking like society tells it to, binged till her stomach could burst and then stuck her fingers down her throat to purge her "sins". she's also the one who's stood up against fat shamers, whether the subject was me or a friend. she's been through so much hurt and self-hate and neglect, and she's just doing her best to protect me from having to deal with this all over again. i'd like to hug her and name her my Dora Milaje - not because i'm a Black Panther fan, but because the name is pretty and the idea of a fearsome female protector is v cool.

[] [] [] 1 raw veggie or a fruit per meal

this truly makes me happy, and i love how it's expanding my palate. i've actually begun to look through the salad section of restaurant menu more often now - but it's a whole other story that most of our usual hangouts don't do salads. i also actively look for more produce i can eat raw. i love this goal!

the "per meal" bit is kinda restrictive though, because i can't always fish out something for every meal. I do snack on a lot of fruit, so i'm just going to make it a point to do this for 3 random meals.

[] meditate x at least 15min every day

as much as i enjoy meditating, i haven't been doing this consistently enough mostly because i don't really know when exactly in my day to fit this in? my mornings seem rushed enough with the new morning wxo, making breakfast and being in a rush to start studying. my evenings are unpredictable. afternoons are dozy - but that does seem like my best option. ig i have to decide on a fixed time for this, so...post lunch nap is what i'll go with. it might even help with the afternoon slump that makes studying so abhorrent.

[] breathwork x9min every day ok so this is not really a me thing, is what i've realised. i'm switching this one out for brushing every night because, sadly, i've fallen out of the habit of doing so.

[] 30min of reading or any form of self-expression/day it breaks my heart to score this off, but then i tell myself i'm just being a drama queen because, if i really want to, i can carve out time for this at some point. it's getting kicked off the list because i have to prioritise right at this point, and i think it would be way more beneficial for me to add a study related goal.

since i prefer not-so-rigid structures, i've been thinking - what if make my goal "study 42 hours/w"? so it's up to me how any hours i net in a day, and if i finish these 42 hours with a day to spare in a week, well, that's a well earned break! i don't know how well this will pan out because my current study-avoidance runs deeper than just lack of motivation, and yeah - let's get into that in another post.

also, the afternoon slump is seriously affecting my productivity. i just have to make peace with it, and open up more hours for myself in the evening to get work done. i'm going to push my evening wxo time to 7 pm. that's right i've said it, Dora Milaje. she's the one who pushes me to get on the mat by 4 pm because she's scared i'll miss my workout if unexpected social plans come up in the evening (the "unexpected" is so often now, that they might as well be expected).

[] progress picture/day

i want to redefine what i mean by "progress picture" - until now, it was that typical mirror selfie of my body i was going with. but i've been thinking - is that really the progress i'm tracking? photographing my body in the hopes that i'll get to watch it transition into a societally deemed "pretty" is not the progress i'm looking for. it's about all the things on my vision board - which are an encapsulation of things that make me happy, things that push me to grow and teach me, and make my life feel like a fulfilled one. so anything i photograph (like the ones i've been sharing here so far), count as progress pictures to me.

[] 2.5L of water/day

easy enough again.

[] 1400cal x6/week well this is a tricky one.

my main challenge here is how often we eat out. it's this habit we've fallen into, honestly - come evening and there's always one of us who wants to eat out. or a friend to hang out with. or an incredibly busy, tiring day that makes cooking seem impossible. i kid you not, since 2024 has started, we've eaten dinner at home a grand total of 5 times so far.

there's also - why can't i eat out and still be in my calorie budget? - and i think this comes down to feni and dessert, because our usual haunts serve pretty homely food, save one.

it does seem like i have to make some pretty conscious choices here - to skip on the feni and desserts at least. and of course, eat home cooked dinners more often. this is honestly the hardest chain to break only for the first 3 days - once i get through day 3, it does become much easier.

with my daily TDEE being in the 1800-1900 range, 1400 is a decent intake. it keeps me energetic enough and a satisfied full.

[] no media consumption (one movie/d allowed)

this is gold. 4 days into PMS and the possibilities of satisfying ways to spend my time seem endless once i've deleted options that involve gluing myself to a screen. my brain hasn't felt like a sewer in the past 4 days!

so, 75 soft revamped - we start again tomorrow. a Monday. maybe third time's the charm?

[] morning walk/run or yoga x6/w

[] meditate x at least 15min every afternoon

[] study 42h/w

[] evening wxo x6/w

[] [] [] 1 raw veggie or a fruit x3 meals

[] 1400cal x6/week

[] progress picture/day x6/w

[] 2.5L of water/day

[] brush before bed

[] no media consumption (one movie/d allowed) - for freezes and PMS days