#Trig Warning for discussion of mental health

[deanwithscissors]

Why we wanting to not feel... What are we avoiding feeling? #goingDeepAnon

just life y’know

i’ve struggled with mental health for 15 years, i’ve been in really dark places but in 2019 so much changed for the better; i moved into my own house with my long term partner in a new town (getting away from my hometown where all my trauma had occurred) and got my very first job!

i finally had the fresh start i was so desperate for and it was so great…

but my supervisor is such a horrible nasty woman, she makes me hate going to work when i absolutely thrive being left alone to do my job. i can’t do anything alll day at home because of the anxiety and stress of knowing i have to interact with her (i start work at 3pm) and when i’m anxious/stressed that triggers my bad coping mechanisms (sh, ed, shutting down/hiding from the world) which makes every single minute of the day a chore, which is why i can’t do anything. the whole vicious cycle thing

i’m stuck in this place of leaving, what to me is the perfect job; i’m a cleaner in a primary school so it’s nonstop go go go for the full shift, which is excellent to stop my brain from thinking and i can literally see the school from my house, it’s the perfect location, perfect job, everyone is so bloody wonderful besides her

or, staying and putting up with her shit. going above probably won’t do anything, fellow coworkers have called our boss and the supervisor changes for a week then straight back to being her standoffish self like a switch, plus i hate confrontation so the thought of going above and then having to go into work to face her is one of my worst nightmares

i’ve fought so hard and through so much to have what i do and to be alive past 25, which i never thought possible from the age of 15. i hate that one person who shouldn’t have any real affect on me is basically dictating my life and i’m such a sensitive person that i can’t just push it aside and ‘go to work, do my job and go home’

and it’s not just me, she’s like that with everyone. no one likes her and the amount of staff changes at that school is unreal and it’s because of the supervisor which is why it’s like, what’s the point going above she’s been there 22 years and people constantly leave because of her, they won’t do anything now, she’s closing in on retirement. i just need to wait her out

lol and hope the next supervisor isn’t a bitch💀 but i guess i’ll deal with that if it comes

besides that, i lost both my grandparents in the past few years. my first real losses (other than a pet), i have a small family so it’s just me, my mum and her brother that’s left. my grandad was like my dad since i never had one and he was supposed to walk me down the isle which even tho i don’t care for getting married, idk, i just wanted it to be him to do it. this time of year i spent with them so yeah that’s not the same

my neighbour come to the door yesterday too to say his wife passed the night before. they were an elderly couple and so sweet, i literally just seen her out and about, driving the car ffs and she’s gone. i wasn’t particularly close with them but with their age and when i did speak to them it reminds me of my grandparents too

also it’s nye and i’m struggling to keep down a packet of crisps (feeling ill, not ed) although i don’t really fancy bringing in a new year anyway tbh, so🤷🏼‍♀️

lol idk if you’ll even bother reading all this, didn’t mean to offload so much haha. thanks for asking tho💙

[raayllum]

anyway, i’ve gone on record before that i didn’t want people to block / not interact with callmekatielee (previously thearcadialedger) / lettersfromxadia just because she was crappy towards me. i’m retracting that now. 

tw for transphobia, racism, mentions of suicide, and discussions of emotional manipulation / emotional abuse under the cut

if you have no idea who that user is, katie lee is a user who joined the dragon prince fandom around december 2019. her and i were on friendly terms but it didn’t end well, which i’ve gone into more detail here, if you want to get up to speed. 

but, if you don’t want to read a big long post: when i became more aware of katie’s conservative views i cut ties. this was initially over disagreements over black lives matter protests, in which she didn’t agree with acab. given that she’s a conservative white woman (and other issues in our relationship that i’ll get more into later) i didn’t think concern over the protests being ‘violent’ (rather than people being attacked by police officers) was in good faith. 

then the fact she believed in reverse racism came out

as well as blatant transphobia

when called out for either of these things, she deletes the offending comments - or, on a since deleted post where someone patiently explained that others had blocked her not because of me, but because of her transphobia, she went on a tirade of defending biological sex. keep in mind that as of this time jk rowling’s next book is featuring a male serial killer who dresses like a woman which is the ultimate TERF trope in the book.

lastly, she is emotionally manipulative at best and has exhibited emotionally abusive behaviour towards me and others at worst. this is not something i say lightly whatsoever. but upon me blocking her (for my own personal wellbeing, as i was doing a lot of emotional labour and again, wasn’t going to stick around for shitty political views) her mental state spiralled. 

tw for mentions of suicide and gaslighting from this point onwards

she threatened to commit suicide and blamed me for it. that’s about as textbook emotionally abusive as it gets. she denied that anything about my post was true because i held back on posting screencaps out of respect to a friend caught in the middle of us. she believed that because i have ‘tumblr clout’ that somehow my own boundaries and mental health weren’t worth respecting, or real and valuable. further more, she has continued to blame me for things i had completely no awareness of, much less a hand in.

to say she sees fandom as a popularity contest or hierarchy is an understatement, given this screencap of a deleted post i mentioned earlier (the one with the transphobia)

my right to block her cannot be respected when it is simultaneously shamed and she attempts to guilt trip me for other’s actions. nor is this view of me as a “leader” remotely ingrained in reality. i was astonished to find how much this video, enclosed below from psych2go, described her behaviour / mindset and many of the situations i had found myself in, both before and after cutting ties. i also know i am not the only person who went through similar events.

if you don’t think this counts as emotionally manipulative rhetoric, let me remind you that this was literally over me deciding that i valued being anti racist and my own mental health over being her “friend.”

and again, like i said on my first and previously only post regarding, this is not a list of reasons to go send someone hate.

this is, however, a direct request for people to not engage and to check their followers’ list and notes and to block her accordingly. 

the only reason i am making this post at all is that, unfortunately, she has a habit of posting sometimes very triggering material in the main dragon prince tag without any trigger warnings or notices. (such as threats to commit suicide or previous posts regarding our own ‘drama’).

this is a fandom with a lot of young people and a lot of people who could easily be triggered by such things. no one is going into the main dragon prince tags to see this!! like i said at the beginning: worryingly enough, she is a toxic individual at best with a whole lot of questionable viewpoints. the best way to deal with someone who is a bigot (transphobic, believes in reverse racism, etc.) and who won’t tag properly is to block them. 

that way, if / when this post reaches her circle, we won’t have to see more of the bullshit that will, almost surely, inevitably follow

[charahleytonmerder]

Hey so you don't have to answer this but I had a discussion about 13*w with my friends and I tried informing them of how damaging the show was but they kept bringing up the point of "well there are warnings at the start of every graphic episode" but the warnings don't do the scenes any justice??? Like idk the entire thing was just dumb because their argument was rooted in that fact that the warnings should've deterred people when my entire point was showing extremely graphic scenes is harmful.

It’s the most ridiculous argument. It’s very hard to ignore a show that’s consistently thrown in your face. It’s everywhere, all over social media, on the TV, in the newspapers, on Netflix next to ‘recommended for you’.

Everyone is all: “Hey, have you seen..?” - “if you’ve not seen 13RW you HAVE to.” - “it’s so good, how can you NOT watch it?” - “you will LOVE it because it touches on subjects close to you” it makes you feel like you’re missing out on some great thing, then you watch it, it’s traumatising, and the only argument everyone has is ‘well it warns you.’ Because they KNOW it’s traumatising.

People do not understand how hard it is to get a show that represents depression/rape/suicide in its brutality without also traumatising its viewers (Please see Chicago PD, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The O.C, Scandal, Rookie Blue for hard hitting, yet not traumatising shows about rape/mental health). To have a popular show represent the shit you went through, without that also traumatising you is basically unheard of. It very rarely happens, so when a show is fucking aimed at you for these reasons, you WANT to watch it, because FINALLY you can relate, maybe even understand your own emotions, and maybe everyone around you will FINALLY get it too.

To be roped in like that and to be triggered multiple times and have it depicted in a massively inaccurate way is a gross manipulation. To then have people be like 'well you were warned’ is just a joke. It demeans the show even, because they’re saying your trauma is unjustified, and basically that you did it to yourself by watching LITERALLY, the most popular show on Netflix.

if a famous war film came out and a bunch of veterans with PTSD saw it and slammed it for being damaging, would he get the blame of the film for being so graphically harmful? No. So what’s the fucking difference?

Also, I wasn’t trigged by the show - I would have been a few years ago but for some reason I wasn’t.

I just think it’s a shitty show and there was no warning for that.