#Tried this on Instagram and got many interesting opinions and nice discussions

[hetaestoniahq]

You mentioned that you worked with the Estonian and Scandinavian embassies and found out that there's a lot more closeness between the countries than people would expect. What are some interesting and unexpected things you learned about the relationship between Estonia and the Nordic countries?

(Modern-day connections would be preferred, as I would assume the historical conflicts are well known. In a Nationverse context, I would like to write about the friendship and cooperation between their personifications in the modern day 👀)

Out of the Nordic embassies the most I've worked with is Danish Embassy, but also I have connections in the Swedish embassy and have spoken to the Norwegian embassy asking about facts of culture etc. (There are in fact a lot of culture and history facts the average person will not know.) I'll note to myself to make a post about Norway especially - even if the facts they were able to give were limited at the time. (I will also refer to my uurimustöö and take the facts I used from there too.)

Unfortunately Finland's embassy has ended up unreachable most of the time, with their cultural institute also being slow about responses (but my guess is that being such an important neighbour has left them very busy, same situation with Latvia.) And Iceland does not have a direct embassy here, needing to contact the one in Helsinki for any cooperation (which I tried and never got a response, again, alright.)

A keyword to know about the embassies is HELPFUL. They're very nice and open to anyone who approaches and wants to know things. They can also be generous about giving free stuff (ESPECIALLY Denmark :''D though I've noticed they just seem to have a higher budget compared to Norway's embassy for example.)

The Estonian embassies in the Nordic nations have also made 100 year timelines of diplomatic relationships, many of which really bring together a nice picture. (the Danish one actually made me cry). Unfortunately they exist mostly in Estonia, which only some having a translation into the other country's native language (Finnish, Norwegian, Swedish) if anyone speaks those then I can easily send the timeline for you to read.

I've found that the Nordic embassies (especially Sweden and Denmark which have active social media accounts (primarily Instagram) also like to actively participate in social events or matters such as Arvamusfestival (opinion festival) and other events that discuss Estonia's quality of life and development. They've always been economically close with frequent meetings about "increasing cooperation". This does not just apply to economical matters but also education and in recent times a lot lot more about defense too (especially now with Finland and Sweden having joined the NATO gang, something which was seen as a HUGE deal in Estonia to the point Estonia made a stamp of Finland about it.) I'll note to myself to also make a post about all the specific times I can recall Denmark being very active about the topic of defense to the point that I often use it as a point in arguments about faith in NATO.

The Nordic embassies have also been very vocal about and advocating for LGBT rights for years, possibly decades. They have always participated in LGBT events such as the recent Tartu pride. They even posted about having spectated the Riigikogu meeting in which the voting about legalising Gay marriage happened. You can say the Nordics have been one of the closest friends of the LGBT movement in Estonia, often raising rainbow flags in solidarity. (So YES to content about the Nordics celebrating Estonia's progress because of how much they've been supporting it!)

One thing I must bring attention to is NORDIC-BALTIC 8! It is a group that has existed since the 90's, right after the Baltics regained independence. This is another reason for why the "can Eesti into nordic" is incredibly stupid, because we already are considered together. (UN officially views the Baltics as Northern European too, grouping us together further.) Besides some international events wanting to put us far away from each other it is quite acknowledged on a nation relationship scale that the Baltics are in region friends to the Nordics. Some say that this regional friendship is the reason the Baltics are among the better countries in the Eastern half of Europe, because we have good developed countries to be influenced and supported by while some other countries were left with not the best options.

(I like to HC that the NB8 all sit pretty close by to each other in meetings.)

I intend to work on posting some of the information I've found, especially when I get time to read some sources I've received but not had the time to fully go through them.

Hope this response at least satisfies you a little <3

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E129 (March 16, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are Matt Mercer and Taliesin Jaffe!

Matt, on DMing Luc’s Revivify: “That was weird. It’s one thing when it happens because of player action and circumstances and the choices they make. When it’s entirely on me, unintentional, and just realizing different chess pieces you’ve set up, that’s rough.” It was especially rough since this was a child NPC related to a PC. “I was hoping somebody had a spell slot left.” He kept in mind that there are two clerics in the room and that they could resurrect the next day even if the Revivify went poorly. “A good chance, since it’s his first time. Okay, okay, okay, okay, I think we’ll be okay, we’ll see how this goes. It was really stressful in the moment! I did not set out to have that happen, but when I realized what was going to happen, I tried to see it through.” He wouldn’t have prevented a chance to bring him back. “There may have been an offshoot short-run series of games to find a way to bring him back. I would have found some way to correct the circumstance so the players could feel good about moving forward with the story and there was no undue punishment beyond their control.”

Taliesin on Cad’s response: “This is a big thing if you’re a cleric. It was very much coming in like an EMT. Everything should be fine... hopefully. Just focused in and got it done. The minute things started to go south it was like, okay, that’s the next problem.”

On Yeza’s feelings: “It is a very complicated situation. I think he, much like how Veth is trying to figure out what it is that she wants, I think he’s trying to help her find that while also figuring it out for himself. I think Yeza’s also noticing that because Veth’s the more active of the two of them she also takes the weight of the responsibility and the blame for things when they go wrong, unnecessarily. Especially when he himself acknowledges that he’s partially at fault for even dragging everyone in with the Conclave. As much as he’s appreciative for them coming back for him, there’s a lot of back and forth. He’s filled with a lot of regret, too, but he’s very much trying to convince Veth that it’s a burden that she doesn’t have to keep to herself, that they can share it and work through it together.” Matt mentions that, as an actor, he really loves exploring interactions between characters first and foremost. “Especially when you don’t know where it’s going to go.” He also praises Sam as a scene partner - “I really cherish that.”

How does Caduceus feel about Revivify and Speak with Dead? “Speak with Dead is an interesting middle ground, because he knows that it’s not actually speaking with the dead. It’s really just-- it’s almost medical, really. This is just reactivating a brain at a certain point. It’s practically just a muscle twitch at this point. That doesn’t really prod him in that direction. Revivify is interesting, because it had never really come up. At first I thought of it as bending the rules, but it’s not bending the rules. You knock over a plant, you replant it, you don’t stare at it and go ‘Well, that’s over.’ This is just doing the work. No, we can bring this thing back to health. This is all part of the circle of life, that sometimes we can save something. Especially given the stress that he’s put himself through over the past year of being with these people. He’s started to think of himself a bit as a battlefield medic, and triage is just part of the deal, and it’s completely acceptable.”

Did Trent really just want to talk? “Yeah, that circumstance, as it came together, Trent would never have arrived if there wasn’t an indication that there was some kind of infiltration or attack. Even beyond that, it was Jester breaking the concentration on her charm on that one guard when she created her duplicate.” The guards’ job is to inform a member of the Cerberus Assembly, and Trent lived the closest. “He didn’t know who it was, didn’t have any expectation necessarily. The minute he saw the illusion, he knew a powerful magic user was involved.” Seeing Caleb was an unexpected surprise. “I don’t think he wanted to throw down necessarily. He was more interested in figuring out exactly what the nature of this was.” Matt had multiple battlemaps that didn’t get used. “They managed to cleverly out-maneuver him in his surprise of seeing them.” The Nein rocketed up his priority list after that very quickly. Taliesin: “We’re so fucked.”

On Cad being “Uncle Caduceus” to Luc: “It’s the thing he misses most about home, is being a juvenile shit. It’s nice to be able to express that part of him again, as opposed to the serious, life-threatening, constant intensity. I’m very at home just being a little difficult.”

Cosplay of the Week: an amazing Beau! (_rumor_king, photography by kourtyardproductions on Instagram)

On Marion: “Like a lot of people in this whole narrative from the beginning, getting swept up in things larger than her and trying to adapt. This is a circumstance she’s avoided for a long time. She’s having a rough time in some ways, but simultaneously, she’s enduring. Like a mother would. She’s adapting, she’s making it work. Without much of a choice, you just kind of do the best you can and lean on the people around you to help you where they can. Luckily she has a daughter there. She’s probably surprising herself at how well she’s doing given the circumstances.” Matt talks about how weird it is to feel proud of character he’s created. “Of the many things Marion is incredible at, she’s a studier of the human condition. She’s seen and heard the stories of so many. That gives her a very special perspective. She can see elements of that fractured individual within Caleb, and knowing the good that he’s brought to his friends, and knowing he’s possibly saved her life from bad circumstances, she couldn’t not speak up. She very easily falls into that role of maternal comforter, because it’s one of the many things she’s really good at, she enjoys it, and she can see well when people need it.” He’s been enjoying having Marion along for this (despite the difficult circumstances) because he was always a little sad that they only got to see her for short periods of time.

On the Blooming Grove’s safety: “He’s afraid that it’s a premonition. He’s not pinned it down, but he’s happy to let his imagination wander. He at the very least feels like there’s a reason he’s having these thoughts, and that there’s a reason to go there. He’s a big believer that these things don’t just happen. He’s more likely to think that there’s a good reason to go versus a danger to go. He’s had a couple of ominous warnings lately, and he’s not used to them and not a fan. He’s more likely to read something like that as, there is something there waiting for you that you have to discover. There is something that is going to be helpful to you, even if it hurts.”

On Astrid: “While maybe not as readable in overall personality as Trent is, I still want to be careful to not discuss things that are still being discussed within the game and tossed around as possibilities. Astrid is another complicated character, as anyone would be who’s been through the life she has. I can’t say too much. I can say she’s definitely legitimately happy to see Bren/Caleb after all this time.” His reemergence definitely caught her off guard. “We’ll have to see where it goes from there.”

On Cad’s successful Divine Intervention: “He’s definitely hit the ‘on a mission from god’ stage. He’s been that way for the entire campaign of, this, this is what I’ve been waiting for. Even when it sucks a lot, it’s been nice that those things have popped up to remind him, no, no, you’re doing it right, everything’s good. Probably not going to survive the next week, but you’re doing good! Not quite 1 in a 100 chance, but I forget so often to make that roll, and it’s such a great roleplaying roll. I don’t know how at level 20 you could deal with the fact that you can do that every day.” 

On Zeenoth getting his comeuppance: the kidnapping was a concept Marisha brought up for Beau’s backstory, and Matt went with it even though it was opposed to the Cobalt Soul’s philosophy because he knew rooting it out would make for an interesting story. “I felt it was an important beat to bring to her, because it was something that she was wronged by. And to show that there are still some good people out there who are trying to make things right.” After the tentative peace, dealing with this became Dairon’s next focus. “I was glad we finally got to it. So many people don’t have the opportunity in their lives to get that sort of justice and vindication, so if I can bring elements of that justice into our world, even for our own hope, I’m going to do that. Especially for my wife’s character, especially for a character that deserves that.” Taliesin points out that if it had come too early, Beau wouldn’t have believed it.

Cad’s thoughts on the Tomb Taker betrayal? “He knew it was gonna come at some point. There was no way that was gonna last. He was hoping it was gonna last a little longer. He was really hoping they had a vested interest in getting them all the way to the end. Nope, this is apparently as far as we go, and he was not prepared for that.” He was expecting the potential for de-escalation. “Caduceus is the only character in there that doesn’t have a history with Lucien. I think he sees him a little more clearly than everybody else does. They’re all looking for this person that Clay, at least, is of the opinion that he’s just not there. This is a very manipulative, very dangerous infernal human. Just smarter than all of them. Really aware that there is no calculating what the hell is going to happen. Conversation is the only way you can deal with someone like that.”

Fan Art of the Week: An amazing Caleb closeup! (rynn_birb on Twitter)

Taliesin on Lucien: “I’m excited he’s the one that’s going to kill us all. Poetic that this is how the game ends.” Matt was delighted when Taliesin handed him carte blanche to do what he wanted with Molly’s past. “I was like ‘shit... oh, wait!’ The character of Lucien was always intended to be an antagonist so that it would have been Molly being chased by the person who wanted their body back. But then it happened that he got his body back.” Taliesin: “He’s so much worse than I ever hoped.”

Matt, on the Holy Avenger: “I hadn’t thought to initially even give that sword.” The good roll was the only reason Kima handed that over. “Well, sure, you get the sword. It was very reactionary, it wasn’t my intent originally. I was like, well, I mean, there’s two avenues she can take with this.” Multiclass into Paladin, or lean into the fact that her subclass is essentially a barbarian paladin. “This really works out in a uniquely beautiful way. Let me see if I can lay out a path for her to earn it.”

On Cad’s attempt at lying blowing up in his face: “He was like that kid that had a really bad day in high school and was like, you know what? I’m going to let loose. This is it. I’m gonna dye a streak in my hair. And then tries to give himself a haircut and ends up with half bangs. Well, okay, obviously I’m not that person. I was feeling a little distraught and I didn’t handle it well. Maybe I’m going dark... no, I’m not going dark. Nope.” Matt mentions how much he relates to Caduceus.

Matt, on the Eyes: “What can I tell you? I’m enjoying the hell out of it. The moment they began to really push to read that book, I was like, okay, this is on you. I’m excited for the point in the narrative where the march continues back to Eiselcross. I am almost impatient - not really - because we’re on the cusp of getting to more of the meat. There’s so much to learn, so much to see, so much to explore. I love instilling my players with absolute terror.”

Thoughts on Jester’s Tarot reading? Taliesin cackles. “Molly made the cards, so. Did it to himself, he did, he did.” Matt: “Once again, another example of things working out unexpectedly and too perfectly for an improvised moment. Fuck.” Taliesin: “Bless the wisdom of chaos.” Matt: “I love that even at this point in the campaign, Molly continues to fuck with people. I’m just so proud. That deeply shook Lucien, for reasons.” Taliesin: “It’s the everlasting gobstopper smoke bomb.”

[1ddotdhq]

🍌Wed 2 Dec ‘20💚

Harry Styles Reacts to Banana Innuendo Rumors by Making EVEN MORE Banana Innuendos part TWO

Good morning/evening/night to Harry’s post and Harry’s post ONLY! (Okay that’s not true but it was definitely a highlight of my day). In case people haven’t seen it yet, it’s Harry in a light blue custom made suit putting a penis banana in his mouth. The picture is captioned “Bring Back Manly Men” so take a suck on THAT Candace Owens! It was only one of many great pictures in his variety shoot (including another, um, fruity picture of him biting into a pomegranate okay Persephone we get it), but Harry did indeed choose That One to post on This, the day after banana necklace dickscourse, BLESS. Harry’s interview was a little more in depth than they have been in the past, touching upon his feelings on race (“Historically, I can’t think of any industry that’s benefited more off of Black culture than music. There are discussions that need to happen about this long history of not being paid fairly. It’s a time for listening, and hopefully, people will come out humbled, educated and willing to learn and change”), as well as his tattoos (the only time he regrets them is in the DWD makeup chair), his love of reading, fashion and art, his exercise routine (Kid Harpoon couldn’t keep up!),  and his feelings on success and acclaim (“It’s never why I do anything...it's always nice to know that people like what you’re doing, but ultimately — and especially working in a subjective field — I don’t put too much weight on that stuff...Fans are the best A&R”). 

The problems arose - as they so often do - when One Direction was mentioned. The article said that “The proof [of the band’s benefits] is in the relatively seamless solo transitions of at least three of its members- Payne, Malik and Horan in addition to Styles- each of whom has landed hit singles on charts in the U.K., the U.S. and beyond”. Leaving aside the bad math (that's 4 people!) one name, of course, is notably missing: Louis has in fact enjoyed quite a lot of success both with Walls (remember when his album went #1 on iTunes in the UK AND the US literally 2 months ago?) and his pre-Walls singles like “Back To You” and “Just Hold On”. It got worse because the author tried to back up her claim with Harry’s quote, “When you look at the history of people coming out of bands and starting solo careers, they feel this need to apologize for being in the band...but we loved being in the band...I think there’s a wont to pit people against each other. And I think it’s never been about that for us. It’s about a next step in evolution. The fact that we’ve all achieved different things outside of the band says a lot about how hard we worked in it”. By linking her own words with Harry's quote she made it seem as though Harry said it to agree with her biased take, which we'd know he didn't even if we hadn't heard him say this exact quote without that slant multiple times before. Fans were quick to point out both to the author and to Variety that they were wrong (to describe the reaction mildly), and the author rather than fixing the mistake, doubled down and began blocking fans. Plenty of people were quick to say that of course HSHQ and Harry had approved this content, despite more knowledgeable fans trying to be heard protesting that that is not how it works. (Remember how just recently Vogue got Harry’s whole ass FAMILY situation wrong and it was not corrected until after print, for example?) In fact, even the magazine didn't really proofread this- the print version of the article is different and says, “The proof is in the relatively seamless solo transitions of at least three of its members - Styles, Malik and Horan”, effectively erasing both Louis AND Liam. It's an annoying take either way, but it's one the author more than likely picked up by doing her research on harrie twitter, not on orders from Jeff.

And because we DO NOT STAND FOR LILO ERASURE ON THIS BLOG, let’s talk about Liam’s Web Summit panel! It was 25 minutes of Liam and Marian Dicus (VP of Spotify) being interviewed about the current and future state of the music industry. Both of them, of course, noted that things had changed very quickly in their careers back at the beginning of lockdown, and how it had seemed surreal, at first, but that Liam had found that the way he was operating now (with Veeps and Tik Tok and Instagram lives) had made his platform a two way interaction with his fans. “For a long time I've been living in a dream world where I thought I was speaking with my fans but really I was just talking at them whereas we as artists ask a lot of rhetorical questions... I wanted to start a conversation”. Marian discussed how engaging fans differently WAS one of the most difficult things to puzzle out at the beginning, but that as months have passed, it seems artists like Liam have found a viable virtual future in the music industry (Liam tells us that he's been doing “stadium size shows” on Veeps which is an exciting clue about the mystery of how many tickets they're selling). They also went into the way music trends change as a response to social and political occurrences, how comfort songs gave way to protest songs this summer. Liam said, “People want their artists to have an opinion nowadays it's not that we can stay out of the conversation anymore-- and nor do we feel that we should in many places-- but for me it's a fine line because I realize what I do for people is an escape, people don't want things rammed down their throats every day and news messages from me about things that they don't want to hear about if they've come to listen to music, so its a real fine line that we kind of teeter on”. And about his opening acts, he acknowledges that his fanbase are mostly young women (based on the data breakdowns he gets from his team), and so he feels a responsibility to mentor young female artists in the industry so that more people like his fans have a voice. In an interview full of really fascinating music and technical discussions, this remained my favorite moment from Liam. Just like we won’t erase HIM, he refuses to erase US! And let's not forget our Liam alarm of the day-- it starts out absolutely adorable (“good moooorning!”), is hilarious in that apparently he just rambled completely unscripted and then they awkwardly cut it into 25 parts, but today's installment is frankly not relaxing! “only 23 sleeps til christmas have you done your shopping are you prepared” excuse me Liam YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT. The promised relaxing sleep story affirmations are still 'coming soon'-- hurry up please I need them to decompress after that alarm!

Now for a lightning round of epic proportions: DWD darling pictures and vids keep comin’ and Harry and Florence are both looking GORGEOUS as Jack and Alice,  after the Variety shoot dropped ‘THE CAPTION’, ‘BRING BACK MANLY MEN’, and ‘LOUIS IS SUCCESSFUL’ trended worldwide on twitter, Tan France said “yes please” to Harry's banana post, Harry reiterated that London was home and he didn’t want to be in LA for longer than he needed to,Variety has its virtual show tomorrow at 5 pm PST so see you there! Veeps is sending out emails promoting Louis’ show to people who bought LP show tickets, fans have already started to receive their Louis Tomlinson Live From London merch, Trinity College in Dublin’s Law society presented Niall with an award for, uh, his Irishness, I guess? (Just kidding, it’s for “his incredible talent and work ethics which is famously underscored by a distinct humility despite unthinkable success”). It looks like he will be giving a talk when he’s presented with it, and I’m honestly really interested to see what it’s all about - is he...gonna be talking to law students? Idk but tune in on December 7th at 12 pm GMT to find out!

[xxisxxisxxis]

La fin

Inspired by this ask.

Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship

I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another. 

"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.

"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases. 

"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles. 

"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs. 

"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready." 

"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.

"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.

"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry." 

"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex. 

"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.

"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states. 

"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face. 

"Oh my God." He chuckles. 

"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods. 

"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."

We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera. 

"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh. 

"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now." 

"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state. 

"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs. 

"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop. 

"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity. 

"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have." 

"No, we haven't." 

"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."

"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.

"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."

"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too." 

"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?

He lets out a breath before thinking a moment. 

"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."

"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"

"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki. 

"What?" I ask him. 

"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides. 

"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs. 

"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other. 

"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."

"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle. 

"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'" 

Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear. 

"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds. 

"In his writing." I confirm. 

"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.

"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy." 

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.

"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little. 

"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt. 

"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips. 

"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe." 

"I'm just saying." Duff tells us. 

"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling." 

"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment. 

"And house payments." 

"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something. 

"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?" 

"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'." 

"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds. 

"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that." 

"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct. 

"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened." 

"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all." 

"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.

"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."

"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods. 

"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains. 

"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her." 

"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?" 

I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away. 

"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced." 

His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head. 

"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral." 

"Yeah." He rubs his lips together. 

"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.

"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up." 

"Yes." I nod, not even arguing. 

"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:

"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?" 

"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic,  or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did." 

"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?" 

He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.

"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me. 

"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain. 

"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone." 

"And we rarely spoke about it, again."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds. 

"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him. 

"Okay." He tells me, listening intently. 

"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time." 

"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.

"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere." 

"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did." 

"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears. 

"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.  

"I love you, too." 

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[onlynight-onlylight]

Encounter

Words: 2,6K

Pairing: Jin x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Slice of life, Stranger to lover (?)

Summary: You will never know when and where love comes to you. Moreover when it comes from a perfect man that everyone adores.

Note: I’m surprised myself when writing this short fic of Jin. I didn’t expect the story to be like this haha. I write this for Jin’s birthday which is next week!!! And this is my first time to write after a looooong time so I hope it’s not too awkward.

Dani: Are you free today?

The very first message I check in the morning comes from my best friend. I make sure that today is Saturday before I send a reply.

Me: Yeah. Why?

Dani: I bet you haven’t check the group chat yet. Seonho asks us to meet today, reunion with hidden agenda I guess.

I open an active group chat consists of my high school friends. We actually don’t talk often but we always give each others’ updates to maintain good relationship. I scroll a little bit because everyone is sending message. When I see a picture, I finally understand the hidden agenda Dani’s told me just now. Seonho is getting married. Seonho, my biggest crush during high school.

**

“Are you coming?” Seokyung & Dani are on the way to the café. Some of friends will meet today, for the sake of reunion, and for early celebration of Seonho’s wedding. These girls have been my up and down when trying my best to keep my secret crush hidden. I’ve said to them many times that the silly crush is gone now, but I can’t lie that something does feel strange. And now they unnecessary worry about me.

“Of course. Call me again when you arrive, I’m at the nearby park.”

“Going out with your camera again?”

“Yes. I don’t want to waste a good day like this”

“Okay. Don’t stay under the sun too long”

I walk around the park, following the line of trees. It’s getting warmer as welcoming spring season but sometime the wind is still too cold for me. I take some pictures when find something that catch my eyes. It’s always entertaining to watch people’s interaction. I often sit alone and enjoy the breeze. It helps me clearing my mind when days feel too rough. Sometimes, I get bonus to see beautiful faces for my camera to catch. Just like that one particular man who just walks out from the café. He must be model or actor to have that gorgeous face and perfect proportion.

 I take few pictures of him. I know they will turn out good even though I don’t take its properly. It’s surely not because I’m a good photographer but the object. It makes me smile. It will be nice to get this kind of pictures every time I shoot.

*Dani calling*

It’s time to be back to reality.

 I make a promise earlier that whatever happened today it won’t break me down, not again. I might like him in the past but it’s all in the past. He will forever see me as a friend and I know that from the very start. I know it well. But it’s just I get a closure that I needed today when I get his wedding invitation. I can hold it well in front of him and my friends. But somehow, a tear escapes from my eye.

I look at the film camera I bring today. I want to make memories with them, with Seonho too, using his camera so I cannot have second thought after the photo taken and delete it. This should be one of ways for me to toughen myself and be true to my own words. I’ve done liking Seonho and only see him as a friend.

I still have 5 frames to go. I take a deep breath and snap a shot of the upper part of the building together with the clear sky. Long sigh comes out, I really don’t want to cry but it keeps falling.

“Are you okay?” asks a man from a bench away. It startles me and surprisingly stops me from crying.

“I know it’s not my business but I think you need this” says the man who is standing a step away. I look at him while wiping the tear stain.

“I’m fine”

“I just purchase it from the vending machine if you don’t believe me. I don’t have any bad intention. I just feel bad to see you sad and this sweet drink should make you a little bit better”

He is very good looking. No, extremely handsome. He surely has his way with words but I still keep my guard up. These days, many criminals disguise as kind looking or educated person.

“You can take a picture of me as proof later on, if I really do something bad to you”

He, once again, push the cold drink to me and back to his bench again. He opens his bottle and drink it like a commercial. I can’t help a small smile when see him do that. He is surely a weird guy.

“I’m ready to pose if you really want to take a picture though”

“Okay, just in case”

I bring my film camera to my eyes and capture a very clear shape of his face.

“One more with your phone. You can send it to your friend ‘just in case’ I steal your phone later” he says while striking another pose. I shake my head. I do not expect laughing at the very moment.

I fulfill his request to take his picture with my phone camera and show him the result. I really hope he is not a bad guy because it will be a shame for his beautiful face and such a wit.

“Thank you” I say to him before drinking. My heart feels a little bit lighter than earlier.

“Will you post you pictures online? Hmm maybe on instagram?”

“I don’t know”

“I give a permission to post my pictures on your page then, no need to thank me”

I laugh for the second time. This time he laughs with me. Why someone bother to stop, spend his time for a poor looking stranger and make her laugh? I mean, we are strangers, we don’t know each other, less care for each other.

He, now, moves to my bench and sit on the other edge.

“I’m Seokjin, you can call me Jin. You can to not tell me your name now, but do me a favor”

“What is it?”

“When I find you, I mean my picture on your SNS, you cannot decline my offer for coffee or dinner if you don’t drink coffee”

“Okay”

“Be prepare for our second date” he says before leaving me all smiley on the park.

When he’s far enough from my sight, I just realize. He’s the man I saw this afternoon. The living sculpture that makes my pictures look better. I shake my head in disbelief. I’m expecting our next meeting to come.

10/10

This is the last picture of my happiness project. A pleasant encounter. Thank you.

 seonho__kim Oh? Who’s this? You hide your new boyfriend from me?

kyungie_SK YOU MEET HANDSOME MAN IN SECRET!? WHATTA BESTFRIEND!!

DDDani is he… Jin sunbae? You two ...?

KSJin92 I cant tell which one is better, the photographer or the model, should we discuss it over a coffee? Or dinner? Your call.

 The minute after I post Seokjin picture, everyone’s being wild. My bestfriends are being so loud on our private group chat. Sending all text in capital letters, sending all threating meme stocks they have on their phone. They demand me to explain in details how, when, why regarding Seokjin. I have to ignore those texts as I have to back to work. I know once I start replying them, they will never let me to stop until they satisfied. I receive DM notification from the source of this phenomenon right before I out it back to my pocket.

Jin: I know I offer coffee or dinner, but I wait for a long time just for coffee.. I know this Japanese restaurant that has superb menu and deserves all those Michelin star, so… will you be free on tomorrow?

Me: That sounds very promising and I have no reason to refuse, don’t I?

Jin: Great. 010 XXX XXXX This is my number, text me your office address and I’ll pick you up. See you soon ;)

 Right after works, Seokyung and Dani ask me to meet them in chicken restaurant near our highschool. It’s our favorite restaurant to go whenever we want to fulfill our stomach while gossiping.

“I don’t believe how small this world is. How can you and Jin sunbae meet? He is ‘the sunbae’ I told you guys before” Dani seems excited and amazed at the same time. Dani works at the finance consulting company for 2 years now and Seokjin is his senior in different department.

“The famous sunbae?” ask Seokyung. Dani nods quickly. Me and Seokyung remember how Dani describe this man to us the first week she got the job. The idol of her company, who has many admirers from intern to senior staffs.

“I met him at the park last time, we talked a little and he asked me to take his picture”

“But how? And why?”

That’s exactly my questions too. Compared to him, I’m just an average looking woman, and a stranger. He must have work with many beautiful women in daily. I shrug my shoulder to answer them.

“It just happened”

“Is he a weirdo? I know he is handsome, but it doesn’t mean he is a good guy” Seokyung states her opinion with doubtful face.

“He. Is. The. Perfect. Guy” Dani says.

“He is very kind to others, well-mannered and smart. He is professional at work, no matter how friendly he is, he will be strict to those who make mistakes. During our company’s dinner, he can make everyone’s laugh with his dad jokes. I don’t think you can fake that one, no?”

“So… it will be fine if I meet him again, right?” ask me to both of my bestfriends.

“Totally fine”

“I think so”

They answer at the same time. They look at each other and laugh.

“That’s the fastest answer I ever heard from you too”

“I wish you to have boyfriend for what.. 2 years? It’s the perfect time to start again, you know” said Dani with a smile.

I’ve tried to have romantic relationship with other men before this but it never stays long. I was happy with them, everything goes smoothly. However, at some points, we both know that I cannot love them like they love me.

“Do you think it will work out this time, with Seokjin?”

“We won’t know for sure, but we wish you to be happy”

I also wish myself to be happy, happier.

Spending time with Jin is always entertaining. He knows his choice of words will lighten up the mood between us whenever we’re going out. He never seems out of topic or makes me losing interest. When I talk, he will attentively listen. Most of times he introduces me to all of his favorite restaurants in the city. Sometimes, he will accompany me taking pictures for my new projects. We just feel very comfortable to have each other around.

“Have you tried the new ice cream parlor near your home?”

“I haven’t tried it yet but I heard it’s good. They also have opening promos this week, if I’m not mistaken”

“Then should we go there before I drop you?”

“Hmm… are you making me join your morning jogging tomorrow?”

“You can read my mind so well. I need to make an excuse so I can meet you tomorrow morning”

I hold my smile and turn my face to the window.

“Who’s taking a woman eating ice cream nearly 9 pm”

Seokjin laughs a loud. He puts the ice cream parlor’s address to his car’s GPS despite of my comment because he knows I won’t survive the temptation.

“I will let you eat the mint-choco flavor this time. How about that?”

I pretend to think for a while. We both know Jin will get what he wants, but I just want to make it looks like not too easy. I don’t want to look I like him more than I should. Considering he let me to buy mint-choco flavor after countless dates for ice cream, he must really want us to go there. He always stops me when I want to pick that particular flavor and suggest me all of other flavors before.

“Bonus. How about dinner at my place next week? I’ll show you how good I am in kitchen”

I know he doesn’t have hidden meaning in his words but I can’t help to blush. He shouldn’t know how many times I imagining to hug him. He has wide shoulder and tiny waist, deep soothing smell and a good amounts sweet talks. We always an inch away to kiss. It makes me somewhat impatient and wondering how it feels like.

“O..okay”

“Cute”

 We don’t label our relationship but we are no longer stopping ourselves to touch each other with affection months ago. This time feels different from the other relationships I have before. I trust Jin from the beginning and I think I fall in love with him sooner than I expected. He, himself, is very different from men I met before but I never thought we will match very well. To be honest, I thought he’ll only play around with me. But he always proves me wrong with his actions.

Dinner at his place become a routine. He doesn’t cook every time I come over, but never let me disappointed by his chosen take-out menu. Sometimes he just wants us to watch movies with snacks. The first three dinners, he will drive me home even it’s late. But after that, he will pretend too sleepy and persuade me to sleep over. It’s not I don’t like it, but he just tortures me more than before. These days, he will just hug me once I step inside his place and won’t even let me go for more than 5 minutes. It feels like we put ourselves in internal battle, to see who stands longer in this sexual tension.

 “You’re not going home tonight” he said.

“I know” I answer without looking at him.

I give up to try right after the first night I fail to force him getting up while pretend to be sleepy. I remember how cheerful he sounds when I agree to sleep over. He even let me wear his favorite green pajamas.

He pulls me closer to him till my back fully leans to his chest.

“Should I tell you my plan tonight or you already know too?”

“Hmm? What plan?”

“I call it ‘Making You Mine’ plan?”

“Making me yours?” I ask. I turn my face to see him and find him already looking at me.

We just stare to each other’s eyes for some good seconds until his eyes start to travel down. He stops at my lips and wetting his own lips. I can’t help to notice how his tongue move slowly.

“Yes. I’ll make you mine tonight” he whispers while looking back at my eyes.

My mind blanks. I can’t think other things than his lips, his body, just himself in front of me. His face comes closer and I close my eyes when I feel his soft thick lips on mine. I hold onto his arm that circles my waist.

“I forget to tell you. You’re not going to sleep either”

The perks of having best photographer in the world as your girlfriend ;)

By @.Y/N

 Y/N OMG. WHY DO YOU POST THIS?!

KSJin92 @.Y/N you’re the only one who can capture my beauty, honey, I have to show it to the world

Y/N @.KSJin92 tell me why I agree being your gf again

KSJin92 @.Y/N oh you know why… should I list all of them here? ;)

DDDani @.kyungie_SK this is why she was busy for the weekend ;)

kyungie_SK @.DDDani totally understand lol

Y/N @.DDDani @.kyungie_SK shut up you two!!!

[templeofgeek]

Star Wars Fan Art By Erin Lefler for #ForceAgainstCyberbullying

With the every growing popularity of geek and nerd culture, more and more people come together to join in on the celebration of their favorite franchises and characters. Fandoms are a wonderful place of community and belonging. Unfortunately, they are still not immune to the eventual toxicity that comes with any large populous.

One such toxic behavior is cyber bullying. No one is immune to cyber bullying. Whether you’re a young kid or a big Hollywood actor. Cyber bullying has a way of bringing a dark cloud over our happiness. Actress Kelly Tran was harassed online for her portrayal of Rose Tico in the latest Star Wars installment, The Last Jedi. So much so that it drove her to delete all her Instagram posts.

Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place over digital devices, and on social media platforms (such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, via text etc.). It includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else. Sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation. Some cyberbullying instances can be criminal behavior.

According the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Suicide is the second leading cause of death between 15-19 years old. It was this realization that sparked artist Erin Lefler to make a stand against cyberbullying. In an hopes that cyberbullying would not contribute to any of those deaths by suicide.  We spoke to Erin about her project and what it means to her.

What is The Force Against Cyber Bullying Campaign? Erin: The #forceagainstcyberbullyingcampaign is a campaign I created to shed light on cyber bullying as a problem, as well as to provide support and love to those being cyber bullied. I feel with all the social movements and topics that we see every day on the news, in papers, and on social media, Cyber bullying as a topic gets put on the back burner. But it’s a HUGE problem!!! And it’s something I feel personally should be discussed.

Star Wars Fan Art By Erin Lefler for #ForceAgainstCyberbullying

What inspired you to create this campaign? Erin: I created this campaign after being on the receiving end of a lot of harassment and cyber bullying on some Official Lucasfilms licensed work I’ve done and non licensed Star Wars work that I have done. Which, after those started getting it, it then also started happening on other work of mine, like marvel work, original work, etc. As someone who really loves what they get to do for work, (I mean I get to work for one of the coolest companies [Lucasfilms] ever!) it really felt like a punch to the gut, and like all the air was taken out of me. These were so called “fans” of the exact things I create for work, some of which had been following me for awhile. And they were now targeting and harassing me, for what? Because they didn’t like the way the last movie went down? Because they didn’t like the character I had drawn? This was something that I feel shouldn’t be allowed to happen. No one should be able to call you names, threaten your safety and well-being, or trash your reputation just because you’re doing something you love. You see, I just make art for the company. I’m not the one who wrote the script, I’m not an actress from the film, or even the director. My job is so small compared to those directly involved with the film; like really small. How many people actually know my name compared to say Mark Hamill, Rian Johnson, or Kelly Marie Tran? I’m just doing what I’m paid to do like they are, and I’m also getting to do what I love. It’s every fans dream. But because I have the the name ‘Lucasfilms’ attached to my name, I receive the same amount of hate and harassment if not worse then what the big names do. Having this happen to me got me to think how this type of behavior is so prevalent on the Internet today, and how it has spread across so many fandoms/ many online communities. And most people turn a blind eye to it! Which, I really feel is not okay. I felt alone. I was hurt and confused as to why all this was happening to me. As someone who tries to always look for and be positive about everything, it was hard to accept people could be like this. I had been been physically bullied growing up, but this was a whole new thing I had to learn how to deal with. When I began to publicly share what was happening with my followers across my social media accounts, not only was there an outpouring of support to me, but I was also receiving so many messages of those who were also once cyber bullied, or were currently being cyber bullied. To hear so many voices saying “I’ve been there and I wish I had help” or “ I’m facing the same thing right now and I don’t know what to do”, honestly broke my heart. I wanted to be able to help them all, but how could I? I barely knew how to help myself. I had to take a small break from social media for a few days because I could feel it almost bringing me into a depression. I felt so helpless. Not only were the words of these people harassing me getting me down, but seeing so many others going through the same thing and crying out for help shocked me. I thought ‘How can so many be facing this, and nobody be speaking about this?’ We see and are bombarded everyday by headlines like “which celeb wore it best”, “this celeb got implants”, or “this celeb power couple broke up.” And while there’s nothing wrong with taking an interest in these things, I wondered why are these things are trending when people are out here LITERALLY losing their lives to cyber bullying. Which, made me realize there’s almost no conversation about cyber bullying. It was almost NONEXISTENT. Which is a scary thought when you think about it. What are we saying is ok and teaching is ok to the next generation? So after getting past my anger at those harassing me and the sadness over what they were saying, and for those who were also going through this experience too, I decided someone had to stand up. Enough was enough. We can’t keep pretending this wasn’t happening. So I determined the best way to do this was to create a campaign to spread awareness. Maybe it would become a thing and catch on. Maybe it wouldn’t. But I know I wouldn’t have been happy if I just stood by and let it continue to happen. What type of person would I be if I did that? I’m given the resources and the following to make something of it, so I said “well I mind as well do something.” And it sparked a fire within me, and A determination I never really had before.

Gaurdians Of The Galaxy Fan Art By Erin Lefler for #ForceAgainstCyberbullying

Why do think cyber-bullies bully other people online? Erin: Its hard to really determine the exact reason why people decide it’s OK to do it, but what I can come up with is many people find a strange sense of power behind a keyboard, and there’s almost no fight against cyber bullying. People most likely wouldn’t say these things if they had to look the person in the face, but hiding behind a screen? ‘Aha! There’s no consequence!’ People think. And it’s actually quite the contrary. Cyber bullying can have worse affects! Many people don’t know, but cyber bullying is the leading cause of suicide world wide. That’s a problem! And all for what; just so someone can feel better about themselves online? So they can feel bigger? Unfortunately this is what’s happening. When did this become an okay thing to do? If it’s not OK to do face to face and we raise awareness about that, why do we let cyberbullying slide? There should be accountability like there is for face to face harassment. But since there’s none, it’s open game for them you could say.

How much of a problem do you think cyber-bullying is in Fandom? Erin: I think it’s a huge problem! I’m sitting here, not only as someone who is working for Lucasfilms, but also as someone who is a fan of it. And sadly I’m watching this pull Star Wars fans apart. But it doesn’t stop at Lucasfilms. It spans from marvel, to Disney, to even cosplay. It spans over EVERYTHING. Fandoms are made to bring people together over something that we love. Not to slam someone from having their own opinions, not to say “oh, well this is cosplayer looks so much better than you” or “this art is so much better than yours.” Are you a fan of something? You probably express it in your own special way then. So if it’s okay for you to express it in your own way, it should be acceptable across the board for everyone to express in their way how they’re a fan. Now I’m not saying you can’t have an opinion on how someone expresses their love of a fandom, but is your opinion shared in kind? Should it even be shared at all? If we remembered this, I feel fandoms would become a lot less toxic towards one another. But as of right now it’s a big problem, and it needs to be addressed.

What can people do to stop cyber-bullying? Erin: Surprisingly there’s a lot you can do to stop cyber bullying from happening! First, here’s how not to be a cyber bully: if you don’t have something nice to say, simply DON’T SAY IT. Don’t comment on the tweet or post. Don’t direct message your displeasure to the person. Keep scrolling. Keep moving past it. Don’t hang up on the person to try to shame them. Just think, someone might do the same thing to you down the road. So how do you think you’d feel? If you wouldn’t like it done to you don’t do it to someone else. Simple as that. Next, here’s how to help if you see someone else being cyber bullied: stand with them. Stand up for them. If you see someone commenting ridiculously rude or obscene things at someone, maybe tell them something like this: “Can you please stop? This isn’t appropriate behavior. You wouldn’t like if someone did this to you, so don’t do it to this person.” Or if you see people ganging up against another person, saying it’s ‘just a joke’ or ‘constructive criticism’, try telling them something like: “Saying this doesn’t make your actions here ok. Please stop doing this to (insert person here). You didn’t need to say anything at all if you didn’t like this. So please just leave this person alone.” If you don’t feel brave enough to stand up like that, just send the person being affected by this a message saying something like: “hey I’m sorry you have to deal with this. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Please know that you’re not alone and if you need to talk I’m here for you.” If you’re being cyber bullied, there’s a lot of actions you can take to stop cyber bullying. First of all, do not isolate yourself. That’s the worst thing you can do. Talk to others. Surround yourself with those who love you and support you. Next, stand up for yourself. You don’t need to sit back and let it happen. You can politely tell the bullies to stop but honestly that will just add more fuel to their fire. They’re honestly not worth it. So the easy way to stand up for yourself is: 1) block, 2) report, 3) delete.

1). BLOCK. No one has the right to follow you if they’re harassing you. So just block them. This way they won’t be able to message you or comment at you to bully you. 2). REPORT. Now on some social media sites this is more effective than others. Twitter has an amazing report feature. Not only do they do an investigation on it, they let you provide proof to them of what’s happening, and give you updates on their findings. I’ve personally had to use this feature a lot on twitter and have seen some pretty great results with it. Instagram’s report feature isn’t as detailed, but you can still report if you have a problem. 3). DELETE. Okay, I know this might sound generic but yes, delete! (Insert Cyberman here…) if people are leaving harassing comments on your posts, or sending you harassing DM’s, there’s nothing saying they need to stay on your post. Just delete the comment. Delete the direct message. This way you don’t dwell on it, and it doesn’t bring you down. Shake it off!! Don’t give them the satisfaction of a response. Not only are you showing you’re a bigger person, but you’re also sending a message to the bully that their actions have no effect on you.

What message do you have for people who have been victims of cyber bullying? Erin: I think the message I have for those being cyber bullied, or those who have been cyber bullied is: you’re not alone. You’re NEVER alone. You are loved by so many and they all want to help you. There are so many who have been through the same things and have made it out OK. Talk to someone you trusts, don’t go through this by yourself. Don’t ever feel like these things being said to you are true. There’s a reason it’s happening behind a screen. Because the people who are doing it are cowards. And liars. And if they even just barely knew you, they’d know you’re so much more wonderful than their words. Simple as that. And if you’re feeling as the life you’re living isn’t worth living anymore, due to the harassment you’re going through: please rethink this. You are amazing, you are loved, and your life is more than worth it. Please seek help. You don’t have to go through this and feel this way alone. You don’t need to take your life because of people’s thoughtless actions. You have so much more to live for and accomplish. You are worth more than words. Please, remember that. I know I’m rooting you on… You can do this!! I’m going through it too. I know it’s not easy, but you can do it. And you can come out the victor. Just keep fighting against this.

Advice from Stopbullying.gov:

Prevent Cyberbullying

Be Aware of What Your Kids are Doing Online A child may be involved in cyberbullying in several ways. A child can be bullied, bully others, or witness bullying. Parents, teachers, and other adults may not be aware of all the digital media and apps that a child is using. The more digital platforms that a child uses, the more opportunities there are for being exposed to potential cyberbullying.

Warning Signs a Child Being Cyberbullied 

Noticeable increases or decreases in device use, including texting.

A child exhibits emotional responses (laughter, anger, upset) to what is happening on their device.

A child hides their screen or device when others are near, and avoids discussion about what they are doing on their device.

Social media accounts are shut down or new ones appear.

A child starts to avoid social situations, even those that were enjoyed in the past.

A child becomes withdrawn or depressed, or loses interest in people and activities.

What to Do When Cyberbullying Happens

If you notice warning signs that a child may be involved in cyberbullying, take steps to investigate that child’s digital behavior. Cyberbullying is a form of bullying, and adults should take the same approach to address it: support the child being bullied, address the bullying behavior of a participant, and show children that cyberbullying is taken seriously. Because cyberbullying happens online, responding to it requires different approaches. If you think that a child is involved in cyberbullying, there are several things you can do.

Advice For Adult Victims

 Justin W. Patchin from Cyberbullying.Org suggests:  

“First, it is important to keep all evidence of the bullying: messages, posts, comments, etc. If there are ways you can determine who exactly is making the comments, also document that. Second, contact the service or content provider through which the bullying is occurring. For example, if you are being cyberbullied on Facebook, contact them. If you are receiving hurtful or threatening cell phone messages, contact your cell phone company to obtain assistance. Along those same lines, familiarize yourself with the Terms of Use for the various sites you frequent, and the online accounts you sign up for. Many web sites expressly prohibit harassment and if you report it through their established mechanisms, the content and/or bully should be removed from the site in a timely manner. To be sure, some web site administrators are better and quicker at this than others.

Also, please be careful not to retaliate – or do anything that might be perceived by an outsider to have contributed to the problem. Do not respond to the cyberbully except to calmly tell them to stop. If they refuse, you may have to take additional actions. If you are ever afraid for your safety, you need to contact law enforcement to investigate. They can determine whether any threats made are credible. If they are, the police will formally look into it. The evidence that you have collected will help them to evaluate your situation.

You should also take the time to check your state laws. We have discussed some of these laws on this blog and have a summary of many applicable laws here. In Wisconsin, for example, it is a misdemeanor if someone uses computerized communication systems to “frighten, intimidate, threaten, abuse, or harass another person.” It is also against the law to “harass annoy, or offend another person.” See what the laws in your state are to determine if the police should get involved.

If the threats or comments are detrimental to your health, safety, or occupation, you might want to consult with an attorney who specializes in harassment, defamation of character, false light, intentional infliction of emotional distress, or similar types of civil action. A letter sent from an attorney (on law firm letterhead) to the bully may be all that is necessary to get the bullying to stop.”

If You Are The Bully 

Wiki How has a great post about ways to identify bullying behaviors and how to help control them. 

Understand Bullying. Know what constitutes bullying. Learn to identify bullying and fully understand its consequences. Know what causes bullying.

Conduct a Self-Examination. Identify bullying patterns in your life. Identify your insecurities. Reflect on how it feels to bully others.

Take Control of you Behavior. Put yourself in the victim’s perspective. Ask yourself how the victims of bullying feels when you’re bullying them. Ask yourself what the reason is for the bullying. Stopping yourself from bullying. Take a moment to think. Remove yourself from groups of people who reward you for bullying others. Practice empathizing with others. Change outlook on things. Get help from a professional.

Make Amends. Apologize to people you have bullied. Forgive yourself. Treat people with respect from now on.

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours everyday

For more from Erin Lefler you can visit her website at: https://linktr.ee/butternut_gouache

The Force Against Cyberbullying Campaign With the every growing popularity of geek and nerd culture, more and more people come together to join in on the celebration of their favorite franchises and characters.

[didiletyouknooow]

50. Desecration Smile

Hey,

so FINALLY there is chapter No. 50!!! Wow, I can’t believe that I’ve already written 50 chapters! Thank you so much for reading and giving me feedback. I got to know some great people after creating this tumblr page and starting writing this story. The Chili Peppers have such a great fan community. I still have so many ideas in my mind and I really hope you like these ideas. 

Now here’s the chapter. I hope it’s not tooooo emotional and dramatic! 

Thank you so much! <3

_______

“Hey you bitch, did you cheat on Josh????”

 “Why are you on those pics with Andrew Garfield? Is he your boyfriend now? I thought Josh Klinghoffer is your boyfriend???”

 “If you hurt Josh then I hurt you!!!!”

 “Did you cheat on Josh with SPIDERMAN????”

This list could go on and on. I didn’t read all the comments people wrote under my latest photo on Instagram that didn’t have anything to do with Josh or Andrew. It only showed me and Molly after a shopping tour. I posted it two weeks ago.  So it had nothing to do with this current situation. But obviously did some RHCP-fans see the pics of Andrew and me. Even I didn’t see them yet!

So I clicked on the link Lara sent me. There it was. The pics showed Andrew and me leaving the bar last night. I was holding his hand because I was about to stumble. It was the only time we were “holding hands” after leaving the bar. Surely the paparazzi released the shutter only in this specific moment. The next photos showed us leaving the café where we had breakfast this morning. WTF, it was only five hours ago and it was already on the internet???

But there was more to it than that. There was also a short article in the tabloids on the internet.

 “Does Spiderman have a new Gwen Stacy?”

Andrew Garfield (33) was seen leaving a bar in Hollywood yesterday with a lady. They were holding hands while leaving the side exit of the bar heading directly to Andrew’s personal driver. Does the Spiderman-actor have a new girlfriend after Emma Stone (28) and he broke up last year?

But if we look a little bit closer we found out that this lady isn’t just some unknown woman – no! Two months ago she was seen with Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist Josh Klinghoffer (37) on his bands’ Europe tour. The couple was seen several times in different cities all around Europe! So who’s the lady?

Her name is Eileen Puritz and she’s obviously a teacher from Los  Angeles. From what we know she dated Klinghoffer for two years but obviously the pair called it quits in the last two months. Or does she keep her options open? We’re eager for more pics!”

 I couldn’t believe what the tabloids wrote about me! They presented me as if I would be a maneater! But I definitely wasn’t one! But they even posted a screen shot from one of my Instagram posts. Well, why did I change the settings to public? I hated me for this because now I knew how the fans found out about it so fast! I got totally angry while reading these lines! Who did they think they were to write something about a person who is definitely NO celebrity???? I starred at the photos and the article for several minutes. Finally I had to come to terms with it.

But people were going crazy. They weren’t only commenting my pics by writing insults, some also send me messages on Facebook. Okay maybe it was my fault because I changed the settings of my account on Instagram from private to public because I deleted all the pics where Josh could be seen. I thought no one was really interested in “my life” at all but now that this happened….wow. I didn’t know what to think or what to feel.

I was glad that Lara and Felix were still in the city. I texted them and met them in the evening. We had pizza in Echo Park and I told them the whole story about last night.

“Wow, sounds crazy to me but also like fun” Felix commented laughing. “You’re so lucky to meet Andrew Garfield!” Lara grinned. “But you know….I wish I wouldn’t have done this last night….If I would have only known what could happen afterwards…” “Don’t think about the comments” Felix let me know. “It’s stupid. Stupid girls who are just jealous” “Exactly. Maybe they were okay with you as his girlfriend but now that it’s over and they see you with another man they go crazy because they want to protect Josh” Lara suggested. “Well, maybe you’re right. Whatever….I try not to think about it because it’s stupid, like you said. But I wonder why they think I cheated on Josh? I mean, our relationship was never a public thing. It only went public when the stranger followed us around in Europe and posted all these pics. Only then the fans knew that we were dating again but….we don’t have to publish a public announcement that we broke up, right?” “It’s just stupid bullshit. You shouldn’t pay attention to these kids” Lara said. “The comments aren’t only written by teenager fans. It’s also written by adults! Even by men! I really don’t get it!” I told her. “Stay calm and drink a beer” Felix finally ended the discussion. So I did.

My first weeks at my new job were stressful but I liked it. I realized how happy it made me to do some research, read texts, analyse them, read studies….I just love science. My boss was very nice and kind although he was also very strict. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy working for him but I still felt pleased that he asked me to work for him. Starting this new job let me stop thinking about Josh. Although I was the one who broke up with him I sometimes caught myself thinking about him or wondering what he was doing. I knew that he was probably on tour again. They just started touring the USA this month.

When I came home I usually was very exhausted but in my second week some of my coworkers asked me to go out and have some burgers at a diner. So I agreed and had a great time with them. They were all so nice and friendly – they welcomed me very fast. Sometimes I felt like being a student again. Back to the college days. But this time I was the one on the other side – next semester I would teach my own seminar.

After one month my boss wanted to talk to me about a “very important issue” as he called it. So I went to his office. When I left it an hour later I didn’t know what to say. My kneels were weak and my heart was beating very fast. Okay, I had to recollect. And I had to call Lara as soon as possible.

“Wow, that’s a great opportunity” Lara said after I told her the “news”. Sadly Felix and her had to leave LA last months but we were skyping on a regular basis. “Yes, it is….” “Do you want to know my opinion? Take it. Maybe you’ll never get this opportunity ever again” “Maybe….” ”But you’re afraid, aren’t you? I mean….it would be so great!” “I know it would but….yes I’m afraid. I don’t know if I can do this. Again” “You can. You’re still very young. And it’s only six months” “But I’m already 31….I thought I would stay here for the next years. Maybe forever” “Eileen, you’re only 31! So stop thinking and analyzing too much!” Lara was right….maybe I would never ever get this opportunity again. “Plus, I think it’s a great chance for your PhD. I mean, doing research in the motherland….” ”Absolutely….if I wouldn’t worry so much” “Stop worrying and start doing it baby!” Lara tried to convince me. “But I have to tell Josh….I mean, it would be unfair if I don’t do it, don’t you think?” “Hm….do it if you want to. You don’t have to.” “But it would be too bad if someone else would tell him” “I think you shouldn’t care about him. He’s your ex” “Well” I sighed. “Maybe I’m just a bit melancholic because It’s Valentines Day. I mean, I never really paid attention to this day and neither did Josh but….I recently stalked their Instagram and saw a pic from their last concerts. They’re about to play in New  York this week and….well I’m just a bit melancholic” “It’s okay to feel this way” Lara cheered me up. “You know, we had a relationship for two years so….we were very close” “Do it if you feel like you have to tell him” she said.  

I had to. But the following weeks passed by and I did nothing. I didn’t text Josh or even call him. I was too afraid he didn’t want to speak to me. But it wasn’t only the fact that I wanted to talk to him about a certain topic, I also wanted some stuff back that was still at his house. I mean, I didn’t need it as soon as possible but it was still my stuff. He had also some clothes at my apartment but it seemed like he didn’t really miss it. So instead of calling Josh and asking him when I can get back my stuff I met Molly. We walked through Venice Beach and later sat down in the sand. The sun was about to go down. I was so happy that I had Molly here as one of my best friends in LA. So I told her about the important conversation I had with my professor the other day. After I told her she was kind of shocked too. Okay, luckily I wasn’t the only one… “So….this is a huuuuuge opportunity” she said. “I know” “You should take it, but….wow, I think it would be hard for me, for all of us” “But it’s only for six months…” “It’s a long time” “But I don’t know what happens if I don’t take this opportunity. Maybe my boss fires me. Maybe he treats me badly when he comes back” “Well….don`t think about it” Molly told me. “You should think about what you want. Listen to your heart, I think it already told you what to do” She was right. I sort of knew which decision I had to make.

“But, you know….I thought about telling Josh” I suddenly said. Molly looked at me with a surprised face. “Really? Why?” “Because I don’t want it that he will get to know it through other people” “Well, but you’re not a couple anymore. You don’t have to tell him” I knew. And Molly was the second person who said so. But I still felt connected to him, at least as a friend or as someone who was very close to him for a long period. So I thought it would be necessary to tell him. “He’s my ex. It’s only three months ago. I think I should tell him” “So, then go and do it” she said and drank her tea. “Is he doing okay so far?” I didn’t know why I still worried about him. Maybe because I still felt a bit bad because I ended our relationship. I knew that I didn’t have to feel bad because it was my decision and he had to accept it. And I guess he did. I never wanted to hurt him but I think I did with breaking up. I felt so sorry but for me it was the right decision. “Well…do you want me to tell the truth?” “Yes, please” “Okay….so, Josh is….pretty much fucked up” Wow….what? 

“Why? What happened to him?” “Eileen” Molly laughed sarcastically. “You broke up with him” “Yes but that’s months ago” “Three months aren’t a long time for getting over someone who was part of your life for years” “Hm….” I sighed. “So what does he do?” “He is fucked up. He looks very unhealthy….he drinks a lot” I couldn’t believe what she told me. It sounded like Josh’s behaviour after he broke up with me three years ago. “So he kind of does all these things again he already did in the past?” “No….it’s worse” “Like….what does he do?” “He drinks, he’s pissy, I think he even played some shows drunk….and that’s something he didn’t do since playing in the Chilis. Eric was at their New York concerts and he says Josh didn’t look well. He played brilliant but he saw that Josh was fucked up” “Hm….I don’t know what to say. How should I comment it? You know I’m still sorry” “I know….well, you asked me how he’s doing and I told you the truth. He’s not okay. Definitely not” “But he has to go through it. He will make it, I know it. I did and so will he” “The problem is that he doesn`t talk. Not even to Eric who is his best friend” “I know….that’s the biggest problem and in the end it ended our relationship” “I can relate to it….” “Well….” I sighed. “He will get over it some day”

When I heard these words from Molly I thought about another question that was on my mind. I knew it wasn’t the right time to ask it. “So….and is he seeing someone new?” Molly looked at me. I couldn’t read her face. She looked so strange. “He’s already seeing someone new, isn’t he?” I asked her. Molly didn’t respond but her face told me the answer. “Why doesn’t it surprise me? I mean, I think about how I should tell him something important about my life and he’s already banging a new chick” I noticed how I got a little bit angry. “Well….but I guess he’s just doing it for fun” “But he is already back in the mood to make out with other girls” “Eileen, he’s a man.” “Yes but then he shouldn’t cry me a river because I broke up with him if he can obviously replace me so fast” “I wouldn’t say he replaced you. He only found a new chick he can have fun with” “And who is this girl? Is she an actress? A model? A musician? Or just a normal random girl? Maybe a fan?” “Well….as far as I know she’s a college student from LA” “Wow” I started laughing. “So he’s banging college students now? How old is she?” “Eileen” Molly sighed. “I shouldn’t have told you” “But you did” “I know….because you asked. Honestly I didn’t expect you to be so jealous” “I’m not jealous. I just can’t get it. Why can men start fucking with a new chick so soon although they pretended to be so heartbroken after the break up?” “Like I said….he just wants to have fun” “Maybe he….” ”And honestly Eileen, he’s just doing it to get over you” “Whatever” I sighed. “How old is she? Older or younger than Chloe?” “I don’t know….Eric once saw her in New York when he was at the concerts. She was there as well. Josh also invited her to New Orleans so…”

New Orleans. I remembered it when I surprised Josh on his last tour in New Orleans. I took a flight earlier just to surprise him and he was so happy seeing me. I remembered walking through the streets with him and taking our very first selfie at the harbor. From Nola with Love. Now it was all in the past.

 “Wow, he already invited her on tour” “He did” “Surely, as a college student you have plenty of time to visit your boyfriend on tour” “Eileen….stop being jealous. It doesn’t make sense” “I’m not jealous, I just try to understand him. Right now I can’t” “You know, Josh seeing a new chick isn’t the problem here….the real problem is how he’s been in the last weeks. He’s so fucked up. I heard that the boys in the band are totally pissed at him. They told him to stop drinking so much. You know, Anthony and Flea had drug problems and they’re sober and living a healthy lifestyle….so you can imagine how upset they are that Josh is drinking so much alcohol lately” “Yeah….but why does he do it?” “Eileen…isn’t it obvious?” “What?” “He’s heartbroken. He’s not feeling good. He tries to compensate his feelings with young chicks and alcohol” “Well….” I couldn’t find the words. “So we should help him. Eric tried to talk to him in New York, I tried to talk to him prior. We both tried it. We know that Flea tried it. No chance. He doesn’t talk” “He can be a total pighead sometimes….” I sighed. “So….maybe you should talk to him. Text him, whatever” “Well….maybe” “Oh and by the way, the chick isn’t that young. She’s 25 or 26 or so” “Really? Wow, isn’t she too old?” I said sarcastically. 

Two days later I conquered my weaker self and texted Josh. I wanted to know when I can get back my stuff.

 “Hey, How are you? I hope you’re fine. When are you at home so I can get my stuff back? I know it’s already been three months but….I thought maybe you needed time

So let me know

Eileen”

Josh needed one day until he responded. “I’m currently in NYC but I’ll be back in two days so you can come on Monday to get your stuff. Bye J”

Wow. He didn’t sound very happy about my message. But I tried not to care about it. Instead I wondered what he was still doing in New York. It didn’t take much time until I found out that he was working with Eric Avery on new music. Well, at least only new music and not….stop thinking Eileen. This leads into nothing.

So it was finally Monday. I knew that he Chilis would play three sold out shows in Staples Center in the following days. So Josh had to be back home now.

When I walked into his driveway I had a queasy feeling in my stomach. Nothing positive. I didn’t know what or whom I had to expect. I knocked on his door and it took him some time until he opened it. But when he did, he didn’t look amused. “Wow, I didn’t expect you” he said and after a short awkward moment I followed him into the kitchen. Well, I texted him so why didn’t he expect me? “I wanted to take all my stuff with me. Finally” I told him once again. “Yeah, wow, that’s early” Josh said sarcastically. Okay, something was wrong with him. I saw it. “Sorry, I was too busy in the last weeks” “Yeah, me too” Wow, what a great conversation I thought. It felt so awkward. 

I looked at him but he didn’t look back. It was as if he avoided looking at me. “Is it true?” he suddenly asked. “What do you mean?” “Are you dating Andrew Garfield?” 

Wow. How did he come up with this topic?

“No!” I responded. “I don’t!” “Then why are there pics of you two leaving a bar and going out for dinner?” “You saw it?” “Sure I did.” I knew that Josh didn’t care about celebrity news so someone must’ve shown it to him. “My sister showed it to me” He always said “my sister” or “my friend Eric” when he was upset. He knew that I knew these people but when he was mad at me he always pretended that I didn’t know them at all. “It’s not true” “But the photos are?” “Yes” I sighed. “So what were you doing? Did you meet him accidentally and bombed into his pic twice?” he said jokingly but I knew that he didn’t felt like joking. “No…” I said. “It’s a long story” “Oh I don’t wanna hear it” Josh said with a suing view in his face.

“I met him accidentally and we just chatted and had a good night. Nothing happened” I told him. Well, it was the truth, right? “I was drunk”. “Yeah of course” Josh laughed. “It always happens to me too that I suddenly wake up next to Olivia Wild when I’m going out partying” he said cynically. “You never go out partying” “Doesn’t matter” “Well….” I sighed. “Believe it or not. Nothing happened. Did you know that some of your fans who saw these pics are sending me evil messages on Facebook and even murder threats?” I asked Josh.

These messages didn’t stop in the last weeks. I changed my settings to private so no one could see my Instagram photos anymore but some people kept sending me messages on Facebook.

Josh didn’t seem to be impressed. “Well, it’s your fault if your profiles on social media can be found by everyone and everyone can send you messages. It’s not my fault. I wasn’t the one who was photographed with Andrew Garfield” “Josh!” I interrupted his speech. “It’s bullshit, okay? Nothing happened. And even if something happened then who cares? We’re not together anymore….we can both do whatever the fuck we want!” “So….then fine. Have fun out there in Hollywood” he said. I saw in his face that he was still mad at me. But why? We were both single. Even when I would hook up with ten guys in a row he didn’t have a right to be upset. But I didn’t even want to meet Andrew again. Even, if he was interested in me. I wasn’t ready. Should I tell Josh? No! Instead I remembered what Molly told me. “So….” I said. “I could ask you the same” Josh looked at me questioning. “Are you really dating a college student?”

He seemed shocked when I said these words. I guess he didn’t expect me to know about it. “Well….” he answered. “I don’t” “So is this story that Molly told me just a lie? Did she creat the story in her mind? Or was it Eric?” I said ironically. “Um, no but….It’s nothing serious though” “Yeah, of course” I laughed. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong. I don’t have any right to criticize your behaviour but then please stop asking me about Andrew Garfield, okay?” “Okay” “I mean, you can date whoever you want. You’re free. We’re both singles. But please, talk about the pot calling the kettle black!” “Okay…well, sorry I just asked you” “And I asked you” 

While Josh was looking at me, I was looking into his kitchen. Only now I realized the many empty bottles of wine and liquor on the table. “What did you do?” I wanted to know. “Well, I had a few friends here last night and we drank” it was obvious that he lied. “Yeah, for sure” I pretended to believe him. 

I thought about the real reason why I was here today. I wanted to tell him something. Something really important.

“So um Josh” I started. “The real reason why I came here today is….” I paused. I looked into his eyes but he looked away. “Yes?” he suddenly looked up when I didn’t keep talking. “I’m going away” “What do you mean? Where are you going?” “Away” “Like….San Francisco-away or New York-away?” “No….far away. I’m going to Berlin for the next six months”

Finally I said these words. The words I was afraid to tell him. The words that made me go crazy in the last days. Finally it was spoken out. He knew now. 

When I said these words his facial expression froze. He was shocked. I saw it in his eyes and face. “What….why?” he suddenly asked. “Because I can work there and do some research for my PhD” “But….I thought you’re teaching here at university?” “I do….afterwards” “But why Berlin? Why so far away????” “Because I do research on German history so….it’s the best I can do. Doing research in this country” Silence. No one said a word. I didn’t know what else to say and Josh seemed still shocked.

“Eileen….seriously….why? I….you can’t just….go. You can’t do that!” his voice got louder. “But I have to. It’s for my job” “It’s so far away….I thought we can be friends but now you’re disappearing out of my life” “I’m not out of your life….I will come back in six months” “Yeah….or you find a boyfriend and stay there” “Haha, for sure” I faked a smile. “I love LA too much to do this and besides…..” I told him. “I don’t want a new relationship anytime soon” “Then why did you end ours? We were so happy….we’ve been through a lot….I still can’t believe it….I don’t want to” “Josh….I already told you” I sighed. “I wasn’t happy anymore. And if you’re not happy anymore and don’t feel the love you should feel for your partner then it doesn’t make sense to me” “When did you stop loving me?” he suddenly asked and looked into my eyes. Truth was, I didn’t know.

“Somewhere between all our fights and all these long distance months” I finally responded. “Long distance months? I was there….every two weeks I came back home” “But it wasn’t enough. I don’t know why but….I needed more. Although you came back you weren’t really there. Do you know what I mean?” “But I love you! I still do. I still go to bed and think of you before falling asleep and I think if you when I wake up the next morning. I can’t get you out of my head. And now you’re telling me you’re leaving? How can you do this to me?” “Well, but why do you fuck another girl then?” I said unfazed. At least I tried to look like that. I saw tears in his eyes. I never really saw him crying until I broke up with him. He always seemed so emotionless when it came to certain things in his life but right now….I was shocked. I didn’t want to see him this way. “Please, stay” he said and took my hand. “I can’t and you know why” “Why?” “Because….” I sighed and looked away. “Because I don’t love you anymore” Wow. Finally I found the words I couldn’t find in the last months. But when I said these words I felt that it was true. I didn’t love him anymore. Not like I should love him when he was my boyfriend. 

I knew it was hard for him to hear these words coming out of my mouth but now he knew.

Josh looked at me as if he couldn’t believe it. I noticed that he was still in love with me. It was the look on his face. I knew it. He pulled me closer, looked at me and softly kissed my lips. Although I let him doing it I pushed him away after a few minutes. I wouldn’t make sense. Not anymore. “What’s coming over you?” Josh asked. “I don’t know” I said. We were still standing in his kitchen, his hands around my hips but I needed to get away from here. Get away from him.

“I’m….I’m walking upstairs to get my stuff okay?” I stumbled before going upstairs do get my stuff. “It’s….it’s in my bedroom. I already packed it in two boxes” Josh informed me. “Oh, you didn’t do it?” I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “I did” “You always do it….why?” “Because I don’t want the stuff of my ex being all around my house” “You already did it last time….” “Yeah and I hope I don’t have to do it a third time” he said. I was walking upstairs directly into his bedroom. I saw the two boxes standing next to his wardrobe. While taking it I saw his laptop on the bed. Facebook was opened and I was shocked when I heard the messaging-noise because it was so loud. While passing it again to get out of the room I looked at the laptop and realized that Josh was chatting with someone. And while taking a closer look to the screen I suddenly saw a familiar person on the small profile picture. “Eileen, what do you do there?” I heard Josh asking me from downstairs. I didn’t want to spend much more time in his bedroom staring at his laptop screen so I left the room in a hurry and went downstairs. Josh was still sitting in the kitchen.

“So, I have everything. I think I have to go now….” I said. But Josh didn’t let me. “Eileen, why? Why don’t you love me anymore? What did I do wrong?” he looked like a little boy who didn’t know what he did wrong. “Well....you didn’t talk to me” “About what?” “About everything. About your life….everything” “I know….” he sighed and looked to the floor. “But why Josh? Why did you stop talking to me?” He didn’t respond directly. I think he needed time to think about his answer but suddenly he told me why. And it was the first time ever I heard him saying these words.

“Because I felt so miserable. I felt so fucked up. I was feeling so bad because of the loss of our child. It was my life, you know? When you told me about the pregnancy, everything changed. My whole life changed. Suddenly there was a reason to be alive. I would be a father soon and I would have the responsibility to take care of someone, not just myself. It was so new to me and I was afraid but also very happy. But then….I lost everything” “But you didn’t lose me” “Yes but….I don’t know. I just couldn’t handle this situation. I shut myself off. I know it sucked and I know it wasn’t the right behaviour but….I couldn’t think straight.” He looked at me. His eyes were filled with tears. “I’m so sorry and I know I fucked it up but I think I was too afraid to tell you. I didn’t want to be weak….and then I saw you smiling again. You seemed happy again while I was still fighting. I wasn’t in the mood playing shows or travelling around the world. But I had to. It makes sense to me that you broke up but I still don’t understand it. I thought when you’re in a relationship, you try to fight?” “I did. I fought a lot. I tried to talk to you for months but you didn’t talk back” “Hm…..I know I’m a weirdo” “You’re not….you’re a great man, a warm and kind character. I’ve never met someone like you but….my feelings just slipped away” Josh didn’t say anything. “But now I have to move on with my life and so are you” I said. “What do you mean?” “Josh” I sighed. “Look at you. You look miserable. You look fucked up. I know you’re not feeling well and I know that it sucks because you have to play three shows in LA in the following days but please….stop drinking so much, okay? And if you have a problem then talk to people! Talk to friends, talk to Bob!” “I don’t have a problem” he objected. “But where are these empty bottles come from? I don’t think you invited some friends over to your house. You drank them on your own, am I right?”

I fixed his view and he looked back. I didn’t expect and answer but suddenly Josh spoke very open with me.  “You’re right. I drank all of them in the last days since coming back from New York.” He said. “I’m not proud of it but right now it helps me….I know it’s too much and I know I smell like a bar but….I just can’t stop doing it. I feel better when I do it, it helps me to get through the day. I know it’s a warning sign. I didn’t speak to Bob since the New York concerts because I was too afraid to loose him as a friend” “Josh, Bob would help you. He wouldn’t push you away just because you have a drinking problem” “I know….he’s a really good friend but….I just….” He couldn’t end the sentence. “It all started when I was at this concert on New Years Eve with my friends. Everyone came with their significant other but me. You know, the concert. We already bought our tickets for it.” He told me and I remembered it. In November Josh asked me if we should spend New Years Eve at a concert in a club in the valley. All his friends would go there. A local band played there. So I agreed. It made me happy that he came up with the plans. So we bought the tickets. When I broke up I told him I wouldn’t go there – which was understandable I guess – and I knew he would go with his friends. But I didn’t expect him to feel so lonely at that night.

“I was totally on my own and I felt so miserable. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. Instead I got drunk and….well then I met this girl and yeah….she’s a college student but she’s 25 or so” I didn’t comment what he said. I mean, I shouldn’t be mad or jealous, right? He had the right to have fun. Although I hoped that my assumption wasn’t true. “You’re often in bars, aren’t you?” I asked him. Josh nodded. “Yes….and sometimes I lost myself” “Josh, if you need help then let me help you. I can call Bob” “No” he said. “Please, don’t call him. I try it on my own. I don’t want to bother him with my problems. So….I try it on my own, okay? If I fail I’ll call him but….right now I’m not in the mood to call him” “Hm….okay but please take care of yourself. It’s not easy to stop drinking if you used to drank so much lately” “I know but….I promise I will do it and when you’re back from Berlin maybe we can try it again….time passed by and….” “No” I interrupted him. “Josh, you didn’t understand it. There won’t be a future of you and me. I don’t love you anymore” When I told him these words again Josh finally understood and almost collapsed.

I sighed and finally took my bag. “I have to leave now. So….I hope we can be friends some day”

Before I could open the door Josh took my hand again and squeezed me. We stood there, side by side, for a long moment. I smelled him again until I finally opened the door and left his house. 

____

The next day at work I was kind of absent. Only my body was there but my mind was far away. I thought about Josh’s and my conversation the whole night. It didn’t let me sleep. I still couldn’t believe that I finally told him that I didn’t love him anymore. It was nothing but the truth. What I didn’t understand  was why he was already dating a new girl. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but why did he do it? Why did he always act like that? What was wrong with his personality that he always looked for affirmation? Just fucking around….getting wasted. I knew that it couldn’t make him happy. He wasn’t like that. But he pretended to be someone that he wasn’t.

When I came home last night I opened my laptop and logged into Facebook. I remembered the profile pic of the girl Josh was chatting with. I knew it was silly to do this research and I was sure that I was totally wrong with my suggestions but….I needed to check it out.

So I typed the name of one of the students from my boss’ lecture class in the search bar on Facebook. Two minutes later I was wiser. I was right. The girl Josh was chatting with was Laura Ganger. A college student. One of the best in the lecture class.

I called it a day.

So I was sitting in the same lecture class the next day. I only had to be present. My boss did the lecture so I didn’t have anything else to do. I don’t have to mention that I was very tired because I didn’t sleep at night but at the same time I was totally awake watching this girl. She was sitting in the fourth row and even took notes. She had long brown hair and always wore the perfect make-up. Her clothes were very fashionable as if she would’ve shopped in Paris or Milan. She was the complete opposite of an All-American Girl.

When the lecture was over I stood up and went to my boss to have some smalltalk. While most of the students left the auditorium, this specific girl didn’t. Instead she came towards my boss and me. She had a question. While she was talking with my boss I was looking at her. She wore a skinny jeans, some silver rose sneakers, a very skinny white t-shirt and a perfectly make up. I wondered what she did to her hair that it looked so perfectly. No wonder that Josh fell for her. I mean, she was very hot.

While I was still a bit lost in thoughts, my boss suddenly brought me back to reality. “Eileen, maybe this is your topic” he said and I faked a smile and said “yes” although I had no clue what he was talking about. “Laura wants to do an internship in Berlin next year and I thought maybe you have some connections. I mean, you worked there for a few years right?” “Oh um, yes of course” I stumbled. “You know, I have an appointment so what about giving Laura some tips? I’ll leave you two alone now. Bye!” my boss said and left the room. 

There was I standing. With the girl who was fucking my ex boyfriend right in front of me. There was only one question that came to my mind: why did he have to chose a student from my university????? From all these students in LA he chose someone I knew! Why???? Why universe, why???? Laura asked me where I worked in Berlin and I told her something about my time there. I even promised her to contact the museum I used to work for just to ask them if they needed an intern next year. I think I was one of the best ex girlfriends in the world. Because I didn’t want to talk to her further more I told her to come into my office the next day and I would give her more information.

So she knocked at my office door. I think she was the first student that ever entered my office. Wow, what a pleasure. “Hey Ms. Puritz, sorry I’m a bit late” she apologized. I just smiled and started telling her about her opportunities abroad. After my monologue she started asking so many questions – I answered them all. “So luckily I could spoke to my former boss in Berlin at the museum I used to work. He said that you should send them your application and then they will do a job interview with you via Skype” “Wow, really? That’s great news Ms. Puritz! Thank you so much!” “Well….not for that” I said humble as I was. “So….um and how is living in Berlin? Is it expensive? I heard the city must be great!” “It is! And not it’s not so expensive if you compare it to LA….I mean, surely there are districts where it’s hard to find an apartment but usually it’s cheaper than here. So you’ll definitely find a place to live. But we have some agencies at our university who will help you with this” “Wow….great. And how’s the flair in Berlin?” “Well, it’s very….urban. Cool people, not always as nice as here in LA. But they’re realer, you know” “And how long did you live there?” “I lived there for two years….” “Wow….I’m so looking forward to go to Germany and especially Berlin. I heard there are so many great clubs! And my boyfriend used to live there for a few months” Wow, for her Josh was already her boyfriend? I remembered what Josh told me about her so I almost felt a bit pity for her.

“So….thank you so much Ms. Puritz! How can I thank you?” “Well, it’s okay” I smiled. She was so nice and looked so perfect. Maybe a bit too perfect? There must be a catch, right? “I don’t know how to thank you so much. I always wanted to go to Berlin one day. My granny lived there several years” “Really?” I asked her. Now I was a little bit eager to hear her story. “Yes, after my grandpa died she started travelling around the world and she met a new man in Berlin and lived there for seven years but then she came back to the USA” “Wow, great story. Your granny seems to be a cosmopolit!” “Definitely….she was a great woman” And suddenly I realized that I had something in common with this girl Josh was dating: she wanted to visit Berlin and she missed her grandma.

After thanking me again she left the office. A few minutes later I decided to have a lunch break and get me something to eat. When I closed my office door I saw Laura still standing in the hall. She was talking with someone on the phone. While I was pretending to look at my phone I heard her talking.

“But babe….you said we can spent time before the concert…..I thought you already did the soundcheck yesterday…..well, okay….hm, but I didn’t see you in days. You’re always so busy….no, I understand it but….I thought you have time because your interview was cancelled…..hm….okay, well….”

She looked up, saw me and smiled again. I passed her smiling and then left the hall. Although she didn’t mention any name I knew whom she was talking to. It was Josh and he stood her up again….I don’t think he did it for the first time.

If I was honest I felt bad for her. She seemed very smart, likeable – although sometimes a bit annoying. But her heart was full of positivity.

Although I told Josh that I wasn’t in love with him anymore I was feeling bad. I didn’t know why I cared but I did. I cared about him having fun with this student. She looked so perfect, plus she was clever. She wasn’t a dumb girl. She was a woman. It scared me because I really wondered if he could fall in love with her some day? Maybe, if he would see her more often? Sometimes it happens. Surely Lara and Molly told me that Josh only did it to get over me but what if this girl could change his mind? She wasn’t as dumb as Chloe was. She was clever. Maybe too clever.

But maybe he only used her to get over me? I didn’t want to take too much time thinking about it. But if I’m honest….I didn’t want him to hurt her. Honestly, she deserved better.

When I was back home sitting on my bed I listened to one song on repeat. It reminded me of so many good times. Lara and I were hugging while listening and singing to this song on a concert. But right now the lyrics made sense to me. 

What came over me?

_________

“You're nervous by nature and just sitting next to a love and a statue to look and live up to so how can you stumble let anyone run you whatever will come true what will be will be Why don't you take your time to be the next one in line don't let go, don't let anyone know what's coming over you coming over you, coming over you what's coming over you coming over you” (Beatsteaks - What’s Coming Over You)

[michaelhoganus]

Vegan Teen Perspective, The Most Effective Form of Activism

Vegan Teen

Welcome to our Vegan Teen edition, where older kids weigh in on what veganism means to them and change the perspective of their outlook towards a growing world of vegans. Today, we hear from Lotus Kay.

I was at a health food store the other day, and even though it claimed to be a health food store, it didn’t have many vegan options. So my dad asked the lady working there for where the vegan options were located, and she had to ask someone what “vegan” meant.

I was away from the situation hiding from my dad so he wouldn’t embarrass me as usual in public. As we were checking out, the same lady asked, “Well, I hope you guys don’t mind me asking, but if you’re vegan, like, what do you eat?”

 And I was super excited to answer! I love getting asked questions to help educate people. I explained how you can eat all the same items as most people, and how there are vegan options for nearly everything, such as vegan cheeses and meat. She continued to ask questions and it was such a really great experience, especially as she seemed very receptive to what I was saying.

Then, as we went into the car, my dad was impressed with how nice I was and it started an entire discussion about “encouraging vegans” and “judgmental vegans” or to widen the discussion even more: “encouraging activists” and “judgmental activists”.  

 Some people, when they are passionate about an issue,  get angry, protest, act judgmental to others and seem self-righteous about an issue. They are judgmental activists. The encouraging activists are the ones who instead of judging and getting angry at people,  are encouraging to others when it comes to what they care about. Being nice and well-spoken is the more effective form of activism. It has been proven to me time and time again; people react to kindness and compassion much better.

For example, once I was in a comments section on Instagram where I saw someone ask a question related to veganism, and even though some may have seen the question as rude I was able to detect that is was a genuine and innocent question. So I answered nicely and clearly, offering my insights and suggestions, and I kept getting more questions about veganism and it turned into a whole conversation. I found out this person was very much a meat eater and even enjoyed hunting as a sport. But after we had talked (without me judging him or being rude) he had seemed very interested in veganism and even asked me for a list of documentaries he could watch.

After our conversation, I saw another person had witnessed his original comment, going about it all the wrong ways – she got mad at him. And so a fight began. I had avoided getting involved with any of it but was disappointed that I had made a difference in someone’s life and now somebody else was being damaging to the issue. And then I saw the guy I was talking to tagged me in a comment, and he said, “Thank god there are vegans like Lotus Kay.”

 I always remembered the situation and the comment because when I reflect, it’s not as much saying, ‘thank god there are vegans like me who can politely educate people maturely’ – anyone can do that. It’s ‘thank god that there are vegans, and activists,  who are nice and well spoken to smooth out the roughness of the angry activists, that exist on almost every issue’ especially when the issue is a really bad one.

 If you are passionate about an issue, I hope this has taught you to encourage people rather than judge them. I understand how you can feel so passionately about an issue as a vegan teen. I know there’s a lot wrong about the world. However, you will find when you think positively and see the best in everyone, everything in life just seems to work better. My dad has now tried being nicer to people when it comes to issues after watching my example, and it has worked out a lot better for him too.

____

 Contributor posts are not meant to represent the views or beliefs of Raise Vegan, LLC – each opinion is unique and represents the opinion of that writer. An opinion expressed by any contributor does not reflect the views of any organization, employer, or religious congregation that contributor may be associated with unless expressly stated. Stay tuned for more vegan teen insights as our series continues.

The post Vegan Teen Perspective, The Most Effective Form of Activism appeared first on Raise Vegan.

source https://raisevegan.com/vegan-teen-activism-perspective/ source https://raiseveganus.blogspot.com/2018/07/vegan-teen-perspective-most-effective.html

[paper-blots]

HELLO. I’M BACK.

Well, I’ve really already been back the last two posts, but… TECHNICALITY.

(Also I published this 12 days after I was planning to publish it, so… I’m back. AGAIN!!)

Anyways, this month- for reading- was KIND OF more successful than most other months? I read SEVEN books which wasn’t as high as I hoped, but oh well.

One of them was a DNF, but I’m still COUNTING IT, OKAY.

And………. this month for blogging was not the best. Whooooops I had SO MANY HIGH PLANS FOR THIS BLOG and then it went #lolnope.

I read seven books this month, and… two of them were 2018 ARCs my ARC schedule isn’t the best..

BOOKS I READ

ALSO I HAVEN’T DONE FULL REVIEWS FOR ANY OF THESE EXCEPT THE EPIC CRUSH OF GENIE LO BUT LET’S IGNORE THAT FACT.

                       Night of Cake and Puppets by Laini Taylor ★★★★★

Omg I love Laini Taylor so much and THIS WAS SO CUTE I CAN’T EVEN. Zuzana was one of my favorite characters in the Daughter of Smoke and Bone series *intense screeching* [review]

The Epic Crush of Genie Lo by F.C. Yee ★★★★★

I LOVED THIS BOOK SO MUCH. This was a re-read, by the way. BUT I COULDN’T HELP IT. [review]

These Dazzling Heights by Katharine McGee ★★★★★

Ahhhhh I totally forgot why I gave the first book three stars. This was so dark and twisty and the characters were so gray and I loved and hated all of them. (Which might seem like a bad thing. It isn’t.) [review]

Freefall by Joshua David Bellin ☆☆☆☆☆

This was a DNF, since I kept on losing interest in the story the more I tried to read it. It just didn’t really captivate my interest??? [review]

The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert ★★★★★

THIS WAS SO DARK AND I LOVED IT. IT’S SO CREEPY AND I WAS FREAKED OUT BY SOME OF THE TALES. Can we just discuss Finch though? I loveeeed Finch.  [review]

Nice Try, Jane Sinner by Lianne Oelke ★★★★★

Okay, but Jane Sinner was such a relatable character. She seemed “cold” and “uncaring” to everyone else but really, she had feelings. And she was hilarious to read. The format was also so unique! I loved it.  [review]

They Both Die At The End by Adam Silvera ★★★★★

This was really good. Can I just tear up over the ending. I mean, I expected more, I guess?? It wasn’t as captivating as I thought, but it was still super deep and the main characters were fun to read. [review]

Looking back on it ALL OF MY READS ARE FIVE STAR READS. Except for Freefall. But let’s ignore Freefall. EVERYTHING ELSE WAS FIVE STAR. I am happy with my non-pickiness for this month???

Anyways, my favorite book this month was probably THE HAZEL WOOD. It was so breathtaking and I read it in one sitting (even though I do that with like, every book haha.)

BOOK HAUL

[these pictures are stolen from my instagram]

[which i almost never post on #oops]

                          I did a LOT of book trading this month. (I think I now have a bookmail obsession??)

SEPTEMBER ANTICIPATED RELEASES

I HAVE SO MANY ANTICIPATED READS AHHH. I’m just going to list all of them and not do that bullet point thing where I list a comment about each of them since there’s so many. 

[sorted by release date]

                                I actually had a lot more, but WordPress image formatting IS SO HARD?? There’s no way to list a bunch of images in a row?? (If anyone has tips please help me.)

BLOG POST HISTORY

Five posts total.

One (big) un-official hiatus, in which I didn’t post for two/three weeks.

And then one random post in the middle of nowhere!

And then I did an interview. Which was new. I never had done an interview with an author before on this blog!

(I don’t think I’m planning to do any more interviews because.. well.. it’s MUCH MUCH harder to make them snarky and sassy and witty.)

THINGS I PARTICIPATED IN

The Scribbler’s Challenge (which was hosted by the lovely MAY/M8)

I had so much fun doing this! I met Sarah, a likeminded person who I am friends with!

Some reading challenges. Which I slightly failed at.

#TheReadingQuest & #ARCAugust // these were NOT successful, due to the fact that I didn’t really feel like actually looking at my score, since I didn’t really do that well anyways.

THINGS I CHANGED

Well, I finally did that blog button thing! (By the way, it’s not a swap. It’s just a feature of all the blogs that I LURVE.)

I accidentally posted it as a post instead of a page??? Welp. Here’s the page now!

I’m going to be more laidback on my schedule.

Let’s face it, guys. THE SCHEDULE?? NOT WORKING FOR ME OK.

POSTS I LOVED

Ilsa talks about how we always feel like our blog is a potato and how we’re never 100% satisfied with it. (If you are, then.. how???)

Elise reviews History is All You Left Me and she gives a more personal take on it, since she connects to one of the main characters.

Marie returns from her break from blogging… and the aesthetic pictures from her trips are GORGEOUS.

Madeline talks about rating and reviewing books & how you can overthink it sometimes.

Analee talks about how unrealistic life in YA books is compared to reality and honestly girl, sAME.

Jackie mini-reviews a bunch of books! And she FINALLY read Cinder.

Lia talks about the perfect reading spot. Which is obviously VITAL info for all bookworms.

May tells us all of her secrets on how she’s an amazing and perfect blogger. SERIOUSly. HOW DOES SHE DO IT.

Mikaela wonders if blogging discussion topics can get old and overused (and the answer is YES, my friends. At least in my opinion.)

POPULAR POSTS

                              THEN AGAIN I ONLY HAD FIVE POSTS TOTAL. *bangs the side of my own head*

You might be wondering, “Julianna, what did you even do on your smol unofficial hiatus that no one really cared about?”

And to that I answer, “LEAVE ME ALONE YOU STALKER.”

Just kidding.

I just did some studying and prepared for school! This September, I… well, I got bitten to death by mosquitoes since THEY KEEP ON APPEARING IN MY HOUSE HOW DO THEY GET IN???

(Seriously, it’s a problem. I’m slightly starting to wonder if there are mosquito eggs somewhere in my water bottle.)

(That’s gross.)

SISTER TRIP

Well, I also went on a trip to my older sister’s (who is ~10 years older than I am!) in the city. Not New York City. Jersey City!

I also bring you… pictures.

This is a picture of the harbor/bay/whatever it’s called. It was so fun walking there, and also these pictures aren’t the best quality I’M SORRY.

Also: we ate out on my birthday! We went to this super small authentic Mexican shop, and we got these beef quesadillas that were SO GOOD AH. Also their chips and salsa are SO GOOD that we ordered more. I took no pictures of that because… I WAS EATING IT, OK?

We also went to this expensive ice cream shop, and it was so cute! I mean, I’m probably never going to go there again since it was like, $5 for one of those small cups but STILL THE AESTHETICS.

(Also they had really unique flavors like Jackfruit and Sourdough which was super cool.)

My younger sister got Mint Choco Chip, my older sister got this Chocolate Mountain thing, my brother got blackberry, and I got lychee! I AM THE UNIQUE ONE HA. Lychee ice cream is seriously SO. GOOD.

My sister’s apartment was also honestly SO CUTE AND AESTHETIC. She had this GREAT view of the city (her floor is in the 20s). And it was so nice to stay there for those three days ahhhh. She had a bunch of succulents around her house WHICH WERE ALL DYING (howww?) but it was still super cute!

Anyways, enough of my rambling for over 1k words. <big>HOW WAS YOUR AUGUST?? </big>(even though this is a super late post, please forgive me.)

(Also I’m super sorry that I haven’t caught up on SO MANY of your blogs that I absolutely love, my friends. I’LL PROBABLY BINGE THEM AT SOME POINT DO NOT WORRY.)

    August Blotted Recap // Unofficial Hiatus + Smol Life Updates HELLO. I'M BACK. Well, I've really already been back the last two posts, but... TECHNICALITY. (Also I published this 12 days after I was