#To twelve year old me: I see and hear your anger baby. It's justified. And it gets so much better for us

[middlechildwhoescapedthebasement]

Me: *is having a normal adulting day*

My Playlist: *starts to play "I Hate Everything About You"*

Me: *INSTANTLY reverts back to my twelve year old self*

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry X. Corto

A/N: This is just for those who care about The Golden Girls’ story too :) Thank you to everyone who reads and for the feedback. I really appreciate it! 

J hangs the towel I let him on the line I set on my balcony. I set it myself because there’s something so comforting and relaxing for me about watching clothes hanging from the line. I think it reminds me of my Nana because she always seems to have something on the line. That’s crazy, really, because there was just my Nana and my Papa so it’s technically impossible that they had washing every day but that’s what I remember. It’s just costumbrist and I like it.

With his short blond hair still wet he takes a seat in front of Coco and me. He told us both the story between sobs and fits of crying on the way home. The bastard of David had dumped him forty minutes away by car from Grad because Jason told him he had gotten an acceptance letter from a hospital in New York. It’s for an internship in the summer, two months in New York learning Medicine. And the bastard, instead of being happy and proud, threw him out of the car. I’ve tried to keep it together and not tell him I’ve planned nine different ways of killing David and get away with it. He probably doesn’t need to hear that now. His green eyes are still bloodshot from all the crying but his breathing is back to normal. The warm shower did him good. He smiles when his eyes finally set on us.

“Thank you, guys, really. I don’t know what would have been of me without you girls.”

“Marie would have gone pick you up.” I tell him.

He smiles and nods but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“How are you feeling?” Coco asks.

Jason gives her a look before he sighs and shrugs.

“Embarrassed.” He confesses. “And silly and humiliated.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to break up with him, obviously.” He raises his eyebrows at my question. “I mean I’m not even sure we’re still together. I should have told him about the internship sooner.”

“What?” I can’t believe him. “That has nothing- absolutely nothing to do with what he did. What he did was wrong and he’s sick. I mean, even if you had told him something wrong, which you didn’t, but even if you had told him- I don’t know that you had cheated on him- it doesn’t justify that he fucking dumped you in the middle of the highway, J!”

“I know. I’m not saying that.”

“You’re justifying him! Again!”

“I’m not!” He yells.

I know Coco is uncomfortable by the way she’s sunk down on her chair but I don’t care. Jason needs to hear this.

“Yes, you are! You keep trying to turn him into this guy he’s not!”

“You don’t know him, Indie!”

“That’s right! He doesn’t let us! He keeps trying to take you away from us! I mean what kind of boyfriend doesn’t try to get involved into his partner’s life! He’s never even tried to talk to me.”

“Well he knows you have an opinion.”

“Of course I have an opinion! He’s a violent abuser!”

“He suffered a lot when he was a child! Do you know what it’s like to be abandoned by your dad? No, you don’t!” He cuts me off when I’m about to talk. “And he’s good, he just has a bad temper and anger issues but he’s trying to get better, okay?”

“Is he? Is he even going to therapy?”

“He doesn’t believe in therapy…”

I chuckle a mad laugh of crazy woman.

“That’s what they all say, J. Abusers justify their abuse with a dark past and they made you feel sorry for them so they can still hurt you over and over. He’s manipulating you, can’t you see it? You have to take that idea of your mind that you’re going to fix him because you won’t! He needs help, professional help, and you can’t give him that. I’ll tell you more, you’re perpetuating his toxic behaviour by allowing it.”

“That’s rich coming from you. You’re just projecting Javier on him, but David is not Javier, Indie.”

“Yes, he is! And I know because you’re doing all the things I used to do! Don’t you remember? You told me to break up with him a thousand times and I didn’t because I loved him and I also thought he was good deep down because he could be sweet too but that was only him being manipulative too… And I thought he would change for me too, that he loved me… But… It’s not your responsibility to try to help someone who keeps hurting you. Moreover, you can’t even do it. This is dangerous for you and for him.”

“Don’t even try to pretend like you care about him.”

“Of course I don’t. I care about you. And I’m not happy with what happened to you today, Jason” I start seeing him blurry until I can’t see him anymore and so I wipe my tears away with my hands. “But you need to break up with him, he’s no good for you or for anyone and he needs to get his shit together. What he did to you today was sick, J. You cannot forgive that.”

I feel his arms wrapping around me before I take my hands away from my eyes. And he rests his chin on top of my head like he had done so many times before. JJ’s always been there for me. He was there when Dylan died and he was there during his funeral and during all the months that follow that seemed to be my own slow, never-ending funeral; and then he was there for me every time Javier would do something twisted and when I left him too. I wrap my smaller arms around his broad back and rest my ear against where his heart is, feeling that old familiar heartbeat.

“I love you, Indie.”

“I love you too.”

“Aww.”

Jason laughs and tilts his neck to see a teary Coco. My sister is so emotional all the time, just like my Mum. I feel his chest rumbling when he laughs.

“Get in here, Coconut.”

She smashes her face against mine and from the corner of my eye I can see her smiling with her eyes closed. She loves a hug, too.

We hear my Mum’s laughter before we hear our friends coming. She walked with them towards my wing.

“Baby, the girls are here.” She says on the door. “Coco and I are going out but order something for dinner for you guys.”

It’s not strange for me that my mum speaks English to me. Usually we speak Spanish but she always says she remembers how she felt when her English wasn’t that good and she would hear my dad’s family speak English and laugh but wouldn’t understand much. She says she doesn’t want our friends to feel like that. 

“What time is it?”

I haven’t checked my phone all day.

“It’s 4 pm, honey.” She smiles. “Are you high?”

I roll my eyes at her and she giggles. She knows I’m not. Coco kisses Jason’s cheek before she gives a quick hug to Ollie and Marie and follow my mum outside.

“Hasta luego, Blue.” 

“Bye, doofus.” My sister grins as she leaves.

Despite being twenty years old, sometimes she acts like she’s twelve.  Marie and Ollie fight like a married couple about who locked the door when they went out before Ollie deploys an army of candy and junk food on the table. Jason looks at them amused.

“We brought the break up kit.” Olivia smiles.

“Because we’re breaking up with David Dick, aren’t we?”

My eyes widen at Marie and Olivia kicks her feet “discreetly”. Marie’s lips part and her eyes widen in horror of her realization too.

“Is that how you guys call him?” Jason tries to keep a straight face but the three of us see his hidden smile.

“You did say he had a big dick.” Ollie shrugs.

“And he’s a dick.” Marie adds.

Jason finally bursts out laughing. And the three of us join him before Olivia motions for us to hug him and the three of us surround him like he was an oak tree and we were trying to get positive energy.

Then the four of us sit on the table and eat chocolates and lollies without even realizing Jason and I haven’t even had lunch. Jason tells Ollie and Marie the full story and the two of them tell him David’s such a jerk and that not him neither anyone deserves that kind of treatment.

“Anyway what happened last night with Mario?” Jason asks Ollie.

I tilt my neck slowly so I’m facing my friend and she avoids my eyes looking down at the liquorice she’s eating. The last time we talked Mario was Mario who? and had clumsy hands. I suck my lips inside my mouth trying to hide my smile.

“So?”

“We didn’t have sex.” Ollie blushes.

“What?” The three of us ask in unison.

“It didn’t go well?” Jason asks.

“Wait, I need some context!”

“Right, you weren’t there.” Jason’s eyes widen.

“Mario came with Harry. Apparently they were together in O’Clock so when Harry said he was going Mario asked if he was going to see you and he said yes because apparently Harry’s got verbosity” Marie tells me and I chuckle. He really does sometimes. “And so he tagged alone in case you were with Ollie. Isn’t that romantic?” Marie looks at me like the heart eyed emoji and I smirk.

“But you were talking to that guy.” I interrupt.

“Well, we stopped talking.” She shrugs. “I don’t know what’s going on with your lips, Indie.” She points out all my hidden smiles. “But yeah then he came, we were drinking we danced, we kissed and I went home with him.”

Maybe he really does have clumsy hands and that’s why they didn’t have sex but then why is she leading him on?

“It didn’t go well after you left?”

“It was perfect.”

“Then?”

“It didn’t happen.” She shrugs.

There’s something going on with Mario for Ollie to act this way. I’ll ask Harry. Mario and Harry are friends and Harry’s nosy beyond believe. He’ll tell me.

“And you?” I ask Marie.

“What about me?”

“The redhead.” I smile.

“He burped.” She pouts as her eyebrows frown like Emile Clarke’s. 

We all burst into laughter but she keeps pouting despite her growing smile.

“And you can’t judge me because you dumped Álvaro for no reason and he was so cute.”

“And Spanish.” Olivia adds.

Jason celebrates Álvaro’s nationality too and I roll my eyes. I don’t care that he’s Spanish. I mean I like meeting Spanish people because they remind me of my mum’s heritage and I can speak Spanish to them but there’s nothing else you know about a person if you know they’re Spanish. I mean you know where they were born. That’s it. Then for what is worth, every person is their own person.

“But you left with Harry, didn’t you?” Olivia’s eyes widen.

“Wait were you with Harry when I called in the morning?”

I nod.

“Shit, dude, I’m sorry! I didn’t know. I thought you guys had cut things off.”

“Yes, but a leopard never changes its spots.” Olivia shrugs.

I roll my eyes. My eyes set on Marie and I can read her disapproving expression.

“He offered to drive to get you in the morning.” I defend him. “And he…” 

I was about to tell them about how he showered me with compliments but I decide that should stay between us. I don’t have to prove anything about him to Marie or to anyone else for that matter. 

“That was sweet of him.”

Thinking about Harry makes me think I haven’t checked my phone all day. Maybe I should call him? Let him know everything’s fine? But what am I thinking? That he’s going to be waiting for me to tell him about my adventures with The Golden Girls? I blush at the idea.

“You’re not falling for Harry, are you?”

“What?” I frown. “No! Of course not! He’s such an idiot!”

Because he is. Sometimes. When he guesses things about me assuming I’m a posh bitch or when he tells me I have many flaws or when he pulls away for no better reason after confusing me with affection. Plus, he’s said it himself; it’s just sex.

“If only you felt something for him…” Marie adds.

Her words shock me.

“What?”

“Well if you were dating maybe the rest of doctors wouldn’t look down on you as bad as they will when they know about you two.”

“They won’t know.”

“They will too.”

“Does Harry burp, Indie?” Jason changes the topic, God bless him, and the three of us chuckle.

“Not in front of me, no.”

“But anyway I didn’t know about this redhead, Marie.” Jason wiggles his eyebrows but she just rolls her eyes.

“There’s nothing to know, Jason.” She sighs and rests her chin on her hand. “I need love, not burps.”

“You need to stop thinking your prince will arrive on a white horse and fuck some guy so you’ll forget about it.” Olivia tells her.

I laugh at her cheekiness.

“What Olivia’s trying to say” I correct “is that being single is also fun. You don’t need to have a boyfriend, Marie; but maybe your obsession with finding love is overshadowing it?”

Maria shakes her head.

“No, it’s not that. I know I don’t need a man but I just… I want to be in love, you know? And I want someone to love me. I’m tired of being alone…”

I give her a sympathetic smile.

“Don’t lose hope, Marie Anne” Olivia wraps an arm around her shoulders and rest her cheek on top of her head “it’ll come.”

“Love?”

She looks up at Olivia, confused that our less romantic friend says that. To be honest, I’m confused too.

“No, sillyhead, mind-blowing sex.” The three of us laugh. “Like the one Indie has with Harry.”

I chuckle and roll my eyes. She’s such an idiot. I don’t know why I’m laughing.

“Did you know he’s from Bellamond?” I tell them.

The three of them look at me with wide eyes and I tell them the little I know about him. Jason hands me my phone over.

“Talking about the devil…” He smirks.

I’ve never replied faster to a text. 

Harry: How’s your friend?

Indie: A lot better, thank you.

“Look at that smile!” Jason teases and I swat him away playfully.

Indie: Thanks for asking.

Harry: No problem 😊 And you? How are you?

Indie: I’m good thanks

Harry: My blunt Indie

Indie: I’m not yours.

Harry: haha you’re so curt is even funny

Indie: I’m sorry I didn’t text you back before. I’ve been with my friends all day.

Harry: No problem.

Harry: What are you doing now?

Indie: We’re just hanging at my house

Harry: Would you like to have a drink?

Indie: All of us?

Harry: I mean it’s you I want to see but they can come too

“Aw, he’s adorable!”

When I lift my head from my phone, I see my three friends are behind me reading my texts. I blush and bring my phone to my chest covering the screen.

“Guys, you’re the worst!”

Jason stands up and walks towards my room. He comes back with his shoes on his hands.

“Tell him we’re coming and ask him for the location.”

“Yay!” Marie throws her head back. “Indie, do you have lipstick?”

“But you bite your lips a lot and stain your teeth!” Olivia reminds her.

“But what if Harry has a cute friend? Or what if the waiter is cute?”

Jason rolls his eyes and Olivia and Marie disappear on my bathroom in the search for my lipsticks.

“Are you sure you want to go?” I ask him.

“Damn right.” Jason smiles. “It’d only do me good.” He shrugs. “Plus we can’t leave your man like that.”

“Harry’s not my man.”

“Whatever.” He chuckles.

Indie: Where are you?

Harry: Cahoot

The pub is dark like the ones Jason likes and there’s quite a lot of people inside but it’s not suffocating. I spot Harry straight away. He’s leaning his elbow on the bar and is talking to Mario who gives us his back. I look at Ollie and find her talking to Marie and doing a scan of the bar, surely looking for possible prince charming for the brunette.

I wonder how I’m going to greet Harry. Should I give him a hug? Or a kiss? Or shake hands? His grin widens when he sees me as I reach him in the bar.

“Hello, Indie.”

I smile back. Okay so no hug, no kiss, no handshake.

“Hi there, Indie!” Mario seems happier to see me than Harry himself.

“Hi, Mario. How are you?”

“I’m good, good.” He smiles. “How are you?”

“I’m good too. Are you guys alone?”

Jason greets them both and so do Marie and Ollie. I notice the way Mario’s hand rests on Ollie’s lower back as he presses a kiss on her cheek but my friend looks away.

“No.” Mario shakes his head. “We’re on that table there. There’s a bunch of people from the hospital. You might know some of them.”

My eyes widen as I look at Harry. He knows I don’t want people to know we’re sleeping together in Uni but he just shakes his head and frowns as if dismissing Mario’s words. The Golden Girls order our drinks before we join them on the booths they have taken on a corner of the pub.

Harry’s got an empty spot beside him and I wonder whether he did that on purpose or whether it just was there because after his greeting I doubt he even wants to sit down next to me. I also notice, even from afar, the beautiful blonde sitting next to him. She’s everything I’m not. She’s thin, like, extremely thin actually, and her skin is paler than mine. She’s blonde but her hairstyle reminds me of my own, she has long opened bangs that skim her cheekbones just like me and her face is just perfect. Yeah, that’s the way to describe her, perfect. Her lips are full and pink and her nose is small and delicate and her eyes are olive green.

Olivia motions to Marie for her to sit down next to Mario so she doesn’t have to but Marie refuses to and even though I don’t agree with whatever the hell it is she’s doing with him, I take that seat before they give a scene- and so I don’t have to sit down next to Harry too. I see him frown from the corner of my eye.

“Hello, I’m Rose.” She’s nice too.

“I’m Indie.” I tell her.

“Indie?” Her green eyes widen. “Where does it come from?”

“It’s… It’s a colour.” My face contorts in embarrassment. “My name’s Indigo Blue. And it’s my mum’s favourite colour. She’s a painter.”

“Wow!” Rose smiles. “That’s so cool.”

From the corner of my eye I see Harry smiling next to her. Olivia sat down next to Harry eventually but he isn’t paying any attention to her and he must be the first man to ever do that. Instead, his eyes are on me the entirety of the night.

We all talk about music and Mario seems interested in Extremoduro. I tell him about them and about my favourite Spanish artists and he asks me stuff and even gets his phone out to type down the songs I tell him. See? He’s such a nice guy. I widen my eyes at Olivia and point at him every time he says something cute but she just gives me warning looks and cuts the air in front of her throat threatening to kill me.

Marie wants to dance and she takes Ollie with her who’s dying to get out of the table anyway. Jason’s been chatting to another two guys about God knows what and Harry’s been mostly quiet even though as nosy as he is I suspect he’s been eavesdropping every conversation on the table. Rose’s chatted to him some too but she’s also been talking to another girl who’s sitting in front of me. I think her name is Cris.

My eyes meet Harry’s but I quickly look away and turn to Mario yet his brown eyes are set on Olivia as she dances. I look at my friends too before I give him a sympathetic smile.

“Olivia is…” I start.

“Incredible.” He cuts me off.

I smile. Yeah, that too. But I wasn’t going to say that.

“Where did you go when you guys had dinner?”

That seems like a good way to start coming around it. I normally wouldn’t be so meddling but alcohol removes my inhibitions like autumn takes the leaves of a tree. I rest my elbow on the table and then my cheek on my hand so I stop taking glances at Harry from the corner of my eye.

“We went to this Indian restaurant she suggested...” His brown eyes narrow as he thinks about the name. 

My blood freezes on my veins.

“The Siddharta?” I fear.

“Yeah!” He smiles. “That’s the one.”

“Oh.”

“You know it too?” He chuckles. “She seems to go there so much even the waiter knew her.”

“Jack?” I can’t believe her.

“Yes.” He looks at me as if we were very strange people. “You guys love Indian food, don’t you?”

“Yes, we do.” I try to hide how angry I am. “I’m gonna order another drink, you want one?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Do you want me to go with you?”

Stop being such a good guy! Olivia’s gonna hear me.

“No, that’s fine. Thanks.” I give him a smile.

I need another drink. Especially because I need to calm down before I yell at Olivia. I don’t know why it bothers me so much that he’s using Mario like that. Well, yes I know; because that’s not what you do to people and I don’t want my friends to be terrible people. My frown feels heavy as I wait for my Bulldog gin and tonic.

“That was an interesting seat choice.”

Harry’s voice makes my belly flip. I swallow at his proximity.

“Your greeting choice was also interesting.”

I shut my eyes internally but on the outside I just look away from him. Why am I such a bigmouth when I drink? When I look back at him, he’s grinning. He presses his body against mine and corners me against the bar.

“Did my girl want a especial greeting?”

“I’m not your girl.” I frown.

“Then why do you want a special greeting?” He’s still grinning.

“Because… Well, because, you said you wanted to see me so…”

“So?” I want to slap that stupid grin out of his face.

“So I was expecting…” I bring my hand to my forehead but mostly to protect my face from his because I’m desperate to kiss him. “Actually, I don’t know what I was expecting.”

“Well” He tacks a strand of hair behind my ear “I, on the other hand, can tell you I was expecting you to sit next to me.”

“You seemed busy.” I look away again.

What am I doing? I can’t be jealous. Wait, am I jealous? What the hell am I doing? I need to get out of here.

“I gotta go.”

But his fingers lift my chin and his lips press against mine. I drink from his mouth contently and my breath catches on my throat when I feel his tongue parting my lips. His hands snake around my waist and he pulls my body to him as we kiss and my hands find the back of his neck.

“Hello, baby.” He smiles against my lips.

He’s intoxicating.

“Hello.”

“You said you didn’t want people from the hospital to know.” He shrugs. “That’s why I didn’t kiss you.”

“No, yeah, you’re right. I am just drunk.”

I don’t know why I said that. I don’t mean that. I wanted that kiss and I would kiss him again, drunk or not. But I don’t want things between us to get… complicated.

“As lovely as usual.”

“I need to talk to Olivia.”

“Fine.”

He moves aside so I can walk away from him and towards my friends, already angry and anxious. When I reach them, they’re both dancing to some lame background song and of course they’re the centre of attention of a group of guys.

“Olivia” I grab her elbow and push her even farther away from Harry’s friends “why did you go to The Siddharta with Mario?”

Her pink cheeks confirm my suspicion. From the corner of my eyes, I can see Marie’s lips parting as she stares at Olivia too. I let her talk even though I know the answer. 

“It’s a good restaurant.”

“You don’t like Indian food.”

“I thought he might like it..”

“You went there to get Jack jealous?” She swallows and looks away from me. “Olivia! It’s been a year!”

“I saw him the other night.” She explains. “I… He was with her and they went to my dad’s jeweller’s. He did that on purpose.”

“And you played his game?”

“What did you want me to do, Indie? I just wanted to get back to him! And I was going to go out with Mario anyway. The only thing that changed was the place.” She shrugs.

“Is that why you keep leading him on? You said he had clumsy hands and that you didn’t like him and you went home with him last night. Do you just want him there so you can get your ex jealous?”

“Indie, this is none of your business.” She looks away from me but her lips are set on a thin line.

“Well someone has to tell you you’re acting like a bitch.”

“What? I’ve had enough, Indigo. Go fuck yourself or better be the canned vagina you are these days.”

Her words freeze me to the spot and I feel a hurricane unleashing on my chest until it reaches my throat. I can’t believe she just said that. She’s been doing this fuck-and-leave thing for a year now and not even once I’ve judged her and now she throws this at my face? Is that what she really thinks of me? Is that what Harry thinks too? Is that even what I am?

I walk away before she sees me crying, I won’t give her the satisfaction and I don’t stop walking until I’ve turn the corner. I left my jacket inside and it’s rather cold now but I’ll text Marie to grab it for me. 

I’ve never been punched on the throat but I reckon this is how it must feel like. It’s hard to breathe and I feel betrayed, beaten and dirty. I walk home. My tears keep rolling freely down my cheeks while my mind goes into a frenzy. 

Jason’s words resound in my mind “you’re not falling for Harry, are you?” No, of course, I’m not. We have nothing in common, other than Medicine, but that’s in no way reason enough and he’s nothing like what I... I’m not looking for that. Now or ever. 

And then it hits me why it bothered me to see him with that Rose girl. It wasn’t jealousy, it was just the fact that I’m not ready to be a canned vagine. I mean I thought I didn’t care at all that he would be with other girls and I don’t think I do but for him to be with other women and for me to see that are two different things. The fact that he called me and told me to come over even if he didn’t event plan on kissing me, then why the hell did he call me if he was with other girl? 

The thought that he might have wanted a threesome with Rose and me flahes through my mind like a falling star. He’s clearly into sex in a way I might not be ready for. He probably has done it before too and maybe that’s what he wants from me now. 

My head aches too and I feel it dull and full and suddenly I feel so tired and cold and I just want to cover my head with my blanket and cry myself to sleep. 

That’s what I do.

[marcythewerewolf]

Do you think that if Helen knew Jules was running the institute since he was 12, she would feel guilty for having to leave/asking him to take care of the kids? Could you maybe write a little something between them (Jules pov, post Los or whatever works)?? I feel like they need to have a conversation & I love your interpretations of things! Sorry if it's a lot to ask.

Ah, sure! I am back in school, so this is a little shorter than some of the previous epics, but I do love Helen and the potential for a very messed up Julian. 

It probably made him a bad person, Julian thought, the fact that he didn’t want to talk to her. 

Livia and Drusilla adored their weekly conversations with Helen, sat on the phone with her for hours if they were allowed to. Every tiny moment, every silly joke whispered in lessons when Diana was looking away, every new bug Ty found or exciting book Dru finally stole from behind Julian’s back and read, it all needed to be documented for their missing sibling. They could not talk to Mark, but they could talk to Helen and that small lifeline was one the girls were clinging to with all their might. 

Even Ty, who didn’t like static or the sound of bad reception, wrote long letters and hung over his twin’s shoulder making comments to be passed onto Helen down the line. It had taken Tavvy, who Helen had sat up nights with as Eleanor died, a little longer to accept the phone as a substitute for the caregiver he remembered, but on Friday nights the only thing that could get him to go to sleep was a song sung across the ocean, tinny on old house phone but still beautiful. If the weather was bad on Wrangel Island that night and they couldn’t get through, Julian had to spent hours compensating before he’d go down. 

The demand for Helen was so great, much more than the time she could give them or the time Julian was willing to let the kids spend tethered to the landline in the kitchen, that he usually felt justified in not speaking with her. It was only fair, he needed her less than the little ones did. 

Julian Blackthorn was thirteen, but he knew sacrifice. He knew what it felt like when it was false. 

The truth was, he didn’t want to talk to Helen. He could lie to many people, and he had, but it was harder with her. Dad and Mom were dead, and they’d taken their authority over him with them to their graves, however Helen still had the edge of age that made it hard for him to fight with her. Until he’d been twelve, she’d been a sort of adjunct-authority figure, respected and feared and allowed to lay down rules when their parents were away. Now he was in charge, now he had to be in charge, but… it was hard to make the switch. 

Letting anyone know about Arthur could be disastrous. Lying to his big sister, who knew him better than anyone would be tricky at best. It was easier to simply avoid her, to say a few trite things about it all being fine and then hand the phone off to the kids. 

Sometimes though, he got left in the lurch. 

Ty had run down the the beach to get the others, leaving Julian alone in the kitchen with cold fillet of fish and Helen’s nervous voice on the other end of the line. 

“It’ll take a few minutes for him to get everyone together,” Julian said, apologetically, “We weren’t expecting you to call until later.”

“Oh, well, it’s, um, it’s been a slow day, magically speaking,” Helen replied, voice soft and a little sleepy, though the time difference meant she’d woken up from a nap, if anything. “Aline thought it might be better to try moving the call back, since I know it’s hard to get the kids to bed sometimes after.”

“Well, I still have to feed them dinner,” Julian pointed out, feeling a little frustrated despite himself, “How is Aline doing?”

Asking about Aline, kind-eyed and still a little unknown because her and Helen’s courtship had been short and war torn. They were engaged, but Julian mostly knew her through anecdotes shared and an occasional voice in the background of calls (much like Emma, she insisted on not interrupting, though at this point they were her family too).

Love filtered through his sister’s words, as bright as sunshine. “She’s doing well, though she hates being cooped up. Now that it’s colder it’s hard to get outside as much. We had to say goodbye to the polar bears we made friends with, and we’re not sure if we’ll see them again. Winter is hard, but we’re hopeful…” Stories of tundra and wildlife and cozy cold unfurled, a world away from Julian’s hectic house in the California sun. 

It sounded amazing. It sounded quiet. 

Anger and resentment boiled in the pit of his stomach, insensible and impossible to ignore. It wasn’t fair, that she was older and he was stuck here. It wasn’t fair that she got naps and Julian had to make himself like the taste of coffee. It wasn’t fair. 

“How are you? How is Uncle Arthur?” she finished, in the same concerned voice, “Livia said he doesn’t talk much to you guys, that you’ve been doing most of the housework.”

Guilt doubled up next on the seething pointless anger and Julian held the phone away from him, just to stop hearing Helen’s voice. 

“Sorry, left something on the stove!” he shouted at the receiver. 

He heard a muffled, “Julian, is something wrong?” as he fled to the stove and started putting anything on it. It didn’t do to contradict your own story later. 

Lying, he was learning, was an art, as much as painting was. Julian’s greatest masterpiece was the image of a family not falling to pieces. 

He viciously breaded the fish and ignored the phone on the counter, as the kids and Emma came up from the seaside. He still couldn’t shake the rage, undirected and hot his throat, and totally pointless.

Helen was just as much a prisoner as he was. It wasn’t fair to envy her, just because her cell was shaped differently. The icy wastes of Wrangel Island weren’t that appealing. Still, sometimes, he missed the quiet sensation of boredom. 

Helen had grown up when they weren’t looking. 

It was a strange thing to say about your own sister, but there was no way around it. Phone calls and video chat hadn’t been able to capture the way adulthood had settled around the slender, teenage girl he remembered. Like a heavy winter coat, it muted the once sharp edges of her, scoured fine lines of age on her beautiful face. 

She’d helped take care of them since she was seventeen, from when Mom died until she had been taken away from them, but now, she actually looked like someone’s mother. The cold had added a softness to her figure and a hardness to her face. Nene, her long lost aunt, had more freshness to her features, but she a faerie. They tended towards ethereal youth. In contrast, Helen wore experience openly, a guard against the world. Between the shine of her hair (prematurely greying, a sure sign she’d taken after Dad) against her fur collar and her new layer of winter blubber, she put Julian in mind of a seal, sleek and bright. 

Julian remembered stories about selkies, who came to the human world, had children, then left as quickly as they came, leaving their half-magical progeny in the lurch. It was a terrible comparison. Helen hadn’t meant to run. 

“It was never Uncle Arthur,” he said, as soon as they were alone, “Never. I ran the Institute, I took care of the children. It was all me.” The truth, said after years of lies, felt as freeing and as bitter as a knife in the back. 

“Oh, Jules,” Helen sighed, sympathetic but not enough. Julian wanted to lash out, to lash back. 

Years of pent-up resentment, of anger he couldn’t explain and never wanted to, all spilled out as unstoppable as blood from an artery. 

“It was all me! Even when I was younger than Dru! I tried so hard, and it worked, it worked for so long.” It had stopped working now. They were past the point where a pretty picture painted on top of a crumbling wall would fix the problem. The realization only made Julian more upset. “Why weren’t you there?”

He wanted her to feel every bit as guilty as he did, but her face was faerie blank, like Mark’s got sometimes when he’d decided that dealing with things as a human wasn’t possible anymore. 

“Julian,” she said, moving towards him with comforting arms, like they were still young and she could pick him up and hold him until he stopped crying. “Jules, oh, Jules.”

Lashing out at someone old enough to actually take it was immensely satisfying, in a horrible way. Fighting with Emma was like tearing out his ow heart, and the children had always relied on him, more utterly than anyone else knew. He owed Helen nothing. She hadn’t been there, and it had all gone wrong. 

“No!” he snapped, “You left us, Helen, you left us and you never came back. And there was no one, there was only me. Didn’t you know? Aren’t you sorry?”

His sister retreated a little, tucking her arms into herself, but she was weathering the storm better than he thought was fair. It only made him want to tear everything down more. 

“Brave Caesar, faithful Caesar,” she told him, looking like their father with another face. Still, he could imagine the blade in her chest, and his hands covered with blood, and the terrible guilt, “I have been so sorry everyday. But it doesn’t matter. It still happened. I couldn’t do anything, and you couldn’t do anymore than you did, and that’s even worse.

Julian felt all the vigor of fury drain out of him, as quickly as it had appeared. He sagged against a nearby countertop. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Helen, I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t Helen’s fault. It had never been her fault, anymore than it had been Arthur’s, or Mark’s, or Dad’s. They were shaped like authority, or they had been once, in the long forgotten time before, but they had just as much power as he did. 

He let Helen wrap him in her arms, warm and soft. She rocked back and forth, like she was soothing a baby. “It’s okay,” she told the back of his head, “I was mad at me too for a while. You want to be mad at someone in a situation like this.”

Julian relaxed in her arms and the distant feeling that maybe someone else was on his side. As he did, his mind wandered, and the more he thought the stronger the anger came back, until it was boiling in his stomach. 

It wasn’t Helen’s fault, but he knew whose fault it was. 

“I hate them,” he told her. It was a pointless phrase, almost petulant. Helen just nodded, her chin bone hitting his shoulder. 

“I know, Jules, I know.”

[raining-v-coffee]

Clara/12th Doctor fic recs (One shots)

*Multichapter    ~my notes

Angel Of The Morning

The message on the psychic paper was short and to the point: I’m looking for the best doctor in the universe – dickwads and time wasters need not apply. Not their usual kind of thing, not that anything they really did counted as usual.

But a summons is a summons... although much to Clara and the Doctor's consternation, they discover that the red-suited sender is just as blunt and foul-mouthed in person.

Keep My Glass Full

Clara hadn't even wanted to attend the party, not really. But Nina had insisted, and so now here she is, determined to have a good time... even if all she can think about is a certain Scottish Time Lord. When things take a sour turn, she realises how much she needs him to take care of her.

Baby Please Come Home

The Doctor had brought them carefully back to London, right after they'd left - or so he'd said. In fact, they're in Glasgow... and he's made a slight temporal error regarding the date of arrival. Suddenly alone and uncertain of what to do, Clara turns to a policeman for help, only to learn that she's been reported as a missing person... and the bad news doesn't end there...

I See The Hope In Your Heart

At Coal Hill, Clara Oswald is not a five foot two saver of alien worlds, occasional Time-Lord-hand-holder and all-round genius. She is, instead, a five foot two English teacher with a fondness for the Regency Era and a full-time preoccupation with her students' welfare, occasional coffee-drinker, and general force to be reckoned with. But when one of her students begins to act strangely, Clara has to work out how best to handle the situation... and she ends up finding help from an unusual source.

~Trigger warning for mentions of self harm

O Christmas Tree

Alone with only the Michael Bublé Christmas Special for company, Clara had resigned herself to not getting into the Christmas spirit - unless that spirit was gin. So when the Doctor turns up with a real Christmas tree for her flat, she's touched by the gesture... until six hours later, when the tree starts to warble well-known seasonal songs at maximum volume.

The Christmas Spirit

When her phone rings in the middle of the night, Clara is surprised to find Osgood calling. She's even more surprised to discover that the world isn't ending, but instead she's needed to come and collect a drunk Doctor from the UNIT Christmas party.

The Teacher and the Visualizer

What would you do if you had access to a device that recorded everything that ever happened in time and space? If you're Clara, you look for the equivalent of funny cat videos and embarrassing old images of the Doctor.

Child of Mine

The Doctor said bringing a new human aboard the Tardis would be a distraction, he was right...

Composing a Symphony

Clara wakes to an unexpected serenade by an unexpected source.

The Last and Yet

Prompt: Write a twelveclara fanfic based in In The Forest Of The Night, in which the Doctor is wrong about the solar flares and the earth is destroyed, therefore Clara becomes the last one of her kind.

Like Stars

Twelve and Clara have a quiet evening of babysitting.

Effective Escape Plans

Trapped down an alley, with guards encroaching, the Doctor and Clara need to come up with a plan to paper over the petty theft, drunkenness, and bickering.

Voicemails

Occasionally the Doctor spams Clara's voicemail box. Going through them usually provides an entertaining way to decompress after class.

please, just see me

Please, just see me, she hears him beg, the memory of his voice hers and hers alone.

Because the man sitting before her could no longer see her.

With-holding

After a relaxing trip to Peramus IV, Doctor gets a bit uncharacteristically handsy with Clara, and she's determined to figure out why.

Through His Eyes

Tumblr prompt: Bodyswap!

Clara comes to better understand some things about The Doctor, incuding why he shys away from her touch.

Tiny Human

The Doctor and Clara babysit for Rigsy. Fluff ensues.

Never Cross A Time Lord (or Those He Cares For)

Something's bothering Clara and she won't say what, which causes the Doctor to worry.

Youth

After a run-in with the Sisterhood of Karn, the Doctor comes over to Clara's looking a little different than normal. young!12 AU

It's All Been Done

Clara time travels in dreams but she thinks it’s just dreams and thinks nothing of it. She also keeps meeting a man named Doctor in her dreams, but she thinks he is just a figment of her imagination until one days she collides with him in real life. She thinks she has finally gone crazy.

Temples, Dreams, and A Nudge in the Right Direction

The Doctor and Clara travel to a planet and do a favor for a local, which prompts them to do something both had been holding back from.

Twist and Shout

Clara and the Doctor get separated during a Mardis Gras parade on New New Orleans, leading Clara to have to find him again. The Doctor causes shenanigans once they are reunited.

Carer & Caretaker

The Doctor and Clara take care of each other when they're ill. Post Last Christmas

A Duty of Care

“Please, don’t even argue,” he said, holding out his hand. Clara saw not only the fear in his eyes, but the hope that she would take his hand and they would run off, travelling happily ever after. She wanted to, she really did, and would have had it not been for one tiny detail. Leaning forward, she kissed him on the cheek; a kind, tender gesture.

“I… this isn’t an argument,” she replied.

~Babyfic, super cute

miles to go

“Clara, why would you want to go for a boring old run when we could just pop over to Galafaxorous, accidentally insult the king’s malodorous son, and then be chased by his brain-sucking guards?”

Sometimes Clara has nightmares, but she learns how to cope.

Hay and Elephants

The Doctor and an injured Clara seek shelter from a winter storm. Huddling for warmth ensues.

Green Blaze

The town is called Mistletoe. Clara objects, because those are tumbleweeds, not mistletoe, and she can tell the difference.

Teacups

He was a teacup that could be dropped. He knew it because he'd been dropped before. He was a teacup that had been mended over and over.

Things to remember, a partial list

He is not an idiot. He has a perfectly functioning mind, if not a perfectly functioning memory, and he knows the sound of an early-model TARDIS when he hears one.

Solar flares

Two sentient stellar beings, in close orbit around each other, exchanging plasma, in an epic romance that had taken millennia to consummate. One would envelope the other in a few million years, and then they would burst outward in a supernova, bringing their love to a spectacular end. Their light and their love would be ash, but not now, and not any time soon. Today, now, in the glory days of their love -- or so the Doctor described it -- their names swirled across their surfaces as sunspots, dots and whorls in the plasma. The written language of stars.

The Edge of the World

The Doctor remembers Clara, his memories return in a flood, and he makes some questionable choices. Luckily Clara is there to pick up the peices

For Better, For Worse, For You

Clara notices the Doctor changed in ways that are more "suited" for her between 11 and 12.

On Some Planets, You Realize, This Means We're Married

Post-Christmas reunion, the Doctor and Clara go for a little peaceful togetherness time. "Bonding ritual" is taken a bit too literally.

(Major Whouffaldi fluff, for which I would apologize if I was sorry.)

Feeling a bit rough

Sometimes things get to Clara.

Bathtime

Pretty much what it says on the tin. Bubble beards, splashfights, hoodie sharing/stealing...

Storms

Of all the things that might potentially put a Timelord straight to sleep, it had to be something that Clara had good reason to avoid.

Dusk

He's been chasing her since Christmas. She's finally too tired to keep pretending she's fine.

Mercy

She's had enough of thinking she heard his voice, of waking up to everything looking the same when it's far from it. She's had it with mourning someone who is still alive. Post Hell Bent, whouffaldi reunion fic.

Recalculating

Prompt: Clara and the Doctor being domestic in the TARDIS, Doctor busy fixing something or writing maths on the black board, so Clara flys the TARDIS like its second nature.

Not a Bother at All

Prompt: Could you do a story where it's Twelve taking care of Clara instead of Eleven?

Announcements

How do two different Doctors take the same news five years apart? (Clara, baby, fluffiness.)

Back Up Again

(Prompt) Clara is hurt from the radiation in Into the Dalek and she blacks out/ has hallucinations

Jigsaw

(Prompt) Twelve reads to Clara? (A little off the prompt, more about telling stories, and sharing an adventure.)

That Subtle Knot

The Doctor tells his story, then reaches out to touch the waitress's hand. And freezes.

To Days To Come

The Twelfth Doctor and Clara accidentally meet a future incarnation of the Doctor. They both get a small nudge towards living life to the fullest. Set sometimes before Face the Raven.

Zero Hour

One final trip before Clara goes back to face the raven...

we're so delicate

Clara has to cope with multiple losses while still living in the present. Eventually, she discovers she isn’t alone.

Not Quite a Lullaby

Nearly being murdered inside a Dalek is more than mildly traumatizing. The Twelfth Doctor and Clara both emotionally vulnerable after the fact, especially as it relates to Clara's need for sleep.

The Memory of Sunrise

Twelve and Clara end up stuck on an island overnight and Clara takes the opportunity to explore just why the Doctor changed so much when he regenerated and what exactly happened on Trenzalore.

No Stranger to You

From a prompt on Tumblr: ""Get out of the way!" also 12/clara and if you dont like those then maybe "You look like you could use a hand." ? :))))". Angst and righteous, justified anger in regards to what Clara’s had to endure, and the little regard paid to that trauma. Alternate ending to Deep Breath.

~I really like this. A lot of people seem to dislike Clara, and I do think she can be a bit much sometimes. However, I really liked this season sue to the fact that she set herself very clear lines and tried her best to stay with them. The way the Doctor was written was inconsistent during this season, and I don’t think it was fair the way he treated her.

Christmas with the Oswalds

The Doctor ends up spending Christmas with the Oswalds, and Clara changes her feelings about that as the evening progresses.

Partly inspired by a prompt asking for a mistletoe kiss.

Five Little Sparks

The Doctor might like a bit of bossy, and it takes a few times for Clara to realize.

Cooking Clara

Twelve and Clara enjoy the figurative fruits of culinary labour, with absolutely absurd results. (from a Tumblr prompt asking for Clara to make omurice and for Twelve to find himself oddly addicted to it.)

Permission to Own a Cat

Clara gets a cat. The cat refuses to follow the Doctor's rules for life on the Tardis.

that talent for insatiability

or: The Doctor and Clara chalk it up to fate. au.

Clara Oswald & Her Bad Influence Friend

A dumb short AU where the TARDIS is a shitty car and Twelve is some shady dude Clara knows and everyone at Coal Hill is like "wtf who is this guy and how does Ms. Oswald know him." Absolute crack.

the carer & the caretaker [video]

It’s the oldest story in the universe: the carer and the caretaker fall in love, which travels across all of time and space. It’s a love story, of sorts.

Get behind the universe

Chin tucked, eyebrows lowered, eyes deep in their cadaverous sockets and full of small-scale, personal murder. The Doctor is furious at the ill treatment she has received.

don't see you for one week and the fellow suddenly decides he's in need of a proper secondary school education!"

The Souffle

Pure Whouffaldi Fluff as the Doctor tries to help Clara on her quest for the perfect soufflé.

Sky All Full of Stars

Clara Oswald thinks, You can love someone without liking them all the time. Twelve, Clara, and a surprise appearance by a surprise guest. Surprise! (No spoilers.)

From the Garden You Can See the Wild Wood

Twelve/Clara Red Riding Hood AU.

Under the Weather

Clara is sick. What on earth is the Doctor doing with her tea kettle?

The Strategist

Victorious Queen Clara's guards bring her a captive that suit her very specific tastes: gray-haired and lean. This one isn't what he appears to be, however.

The Deep and Lovely Dark

The Doctor is afraid to sleep and eventually it catches up with him.

Stars on his fingers

"I just want-- I want a night in. At home. With quiet company. While my ankle is all swollen like this. I want a pajama party."

The Doctor heard "quiet company" and knew he could provide that. And possible he'd take the opportunity to do something sneaky and helpful with her ankle. He clapped his hands together. "Right! A pajama party you shall have."

Sittin' in a Tree

The Doctor's jumper is full of holes, and Clara can't seem to help herself....

lay your armor down

A spot of completely non-sexual dom!Clara and sub!Twelve.

Unravel

This is who he is now, what he's chosen to become.

make a dragon wanna retire, man

Clara walks into the console room on a Monday and announces, without preamble, “I think we should get a pet.”

if you're looking for heaven

It'll take some getting used to, but he does like it. Liked it the old way too. In fact, to an extent that might be worrying, he likes a lot of things Clara chooses to do or say or wear. (He doesn't want to use the word besotted when it comes to her but, well...)

Twelve and Clara. After Christmas they just keep running.

Winterlong

"Gallifrey is back, in some pocket somewhere it was never meant to be in, churning up the rest of the universe like meat in a grinder, and the Doctor is full of golden energy and regeneration chemicals that he hasn't had to handle for hundreds of years. He's full of memories, too; she knows that he's left some things unsaid, dreams of centuries of blood and fire that wake him with quiet gasps more often than he thinks she knows. She knows that there's more beyond that which he doesn't tell her. A time lord is not meant to cope with these things alone. " Or: A series of scenes from the start of their first winter together through the end of their first winter.

Watermark

Do you know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.

Bad Dreams

Clara Oswald has dreams. She doesn't always like them.

Set post-The Witch's Familiar and involves spoilers (like a fair amount), so if you haven't seen Series 9 Episodes 1 and 2, I'd hold off on reading this.

Returning Echoes

After the events of 'Listen', Clara starts to experience strange dreams, thoughts and feelings. The echoes of her shattered selves begin to catch up with her. Can the Doctor help?

Honesty Mature

Set immediately after "Last Christmas." Neither of them will admit they're addicted to each other, but they've both been through the withdrawal and the effects can't go unaddressed.

What I Mean To Say Is Mature

What happened between the Doctor finding Clara inside of the Dalek, and them making their great escape to the Tardis? We might never know, but I needed to explore a what-if...

Time Period: Four days in late September, roughly 3 months after Death in Heaven.

Repairs Mature

The Doctor rescues Clara in the nick of time, but that's not the end of it.

The Thief Mature

The Doctor just smashed up the TARDIS console, but he needs to get away from there. He shoves his fingers into the telepathic matrix and goes... somewhere. He doesn't care where. The TARDIS cares, however. This is what happened in between the visit to Gallifrey and the meeting in the cafe.

Writing to Reach You Mature

Clara's not been feeling herself lately, and it just keeps getting worse.

Or: Written based off rumours of who Missy is (sort of), and sort of based on trailers for Dark Water and the Finale.

Post Season 8, before Last Christmas. Earth is suffering the ravages of the worst storm in recorded history and Clara suspects an extra-terrestrial reason. But if it’s something alien what’s it got to do with the Doctor and can Clara come to terms with her own personal tempest of feelings when the Time Lord crashes back into her life?

Twisted Terrors Mature

"He has this incessant urge to get involved in other people’s business, this saviour complex that makes him think the lives of others are his responsibility, but it took Danny Pink dying to make her see the error in that assumption."

The Wedding Tree Mature

For once an encounter with an advanced civilization was not going to end in war, catastrophe, disaster, or even a pell-mell run toward something or away from something. It was just a lovely thank-you ceremony for the two of them, that's all, followed by a lovely night high up in a tree house. With one bed. Wait.

Conjunction Mature

All of time and space, out there in a blue box. Where do they go first, and what do they do? The Doctor shows Clara a wonder.

for you alone i will be weak Mature

The Doctor and Clara reunite and carry on.

Come Back In Two Halves Mature

Doctor Oswald and The Clara embark on an exciting adventure of existential panic.

So let us melt Mature

The Doctor explains to Clara why he's alone, even when he's holding her. She does something about it.

The Seen & Unseen Life of a Carer & Her Time Lord Mature

Clara remembers the Doctor is very alien, but it doesn't really matter too much. Post-Last Christmas.

Come Back In Two Halves Mature

Doctor Oswald and The Clara embark on an exciting adventure of existential panic.

tessellate Explicit

So. They're just people who live together and touch each other sometimes.

Control Explicit

Clara's immune system is reset and she and the Doctor must deal with the resulting plethora of illnesses that result all at once, including one that can't be immediately seen. Lots of gratuitous fluff, some plot, and more smut than I think I have the capacity to ever write again.

Boy From School Explicit

"How did the Skovox Blitzer end up in the school where I teach? Why there?" She looked up and shot him a dirty, knowing look. "The school has been there for years. No aliens, no strange happenings…I

Chocolate Powder (Slow Warmed Then Whisked) Explicit

Clara and the Doctor share a nightly ritual now she's full time on the TARDIS but its about to change. Whouffaldi. Smut angst fluff. E/M rating. Post Last Christmas. One shot.

~New addition. Edited 3/9/2017

Love Is

But it was what had brought them to this point: kneeling together on an ancient, dirt-caked circuit board, so close and yet – separated by the one thing that had always kept them apart. The one thing that might have made everything different if only they had the courage to *talk* to each other. Hell Bent missing scene.

To my Master Post of Doctor Who fic recs <3

I also have rec lists for Harry Potter and Naruto.