Blood Of My Blood | Y.H. Huang
All of a sudden you realise that you have been caught up in something ancient and vast and beyond your comprehension: far older than the stones of the house you grew up in or the roads the Romans laid through this land in their frail attempts to tame it.
A girl and a boy set out on a journey across the UK, searching for answers and a place to call home.
Inspired by Sweet William's Ghost (Child 77). A companion piece to Bone Of My Bone, inspired by Fair Margaret (Child 74) but can be read separately. Not very good, but kept up for archiving purposes.
He took her by the lily-white hand
And bid him company,
He took her by the middle so small
Saying, “Follow, follow me.”
She lifted her underskirts one by one
Just about the knee,
She went over the hills on a cold winter’s night
In a dead man’s company.
Sweet William's Ghost, Lisa Null
As if the night can’t get any worse, even your Oyster card has turned against you. The screen of the turnstile blinks back accusingly as if it knows you don't belong here. White and red, white and red. Invalid. Invalid. Invalid.
You glance over to Arthur. He's having the same problem at his own gantry. The businesswoman behind him makes a point of staring at the clock. He gestures to you, and together you slip out of the queue.
You wind through the rush-hour crush until you find a corner where you don't have to scream to be heard. Arthur leans back against the dingy tiles and says, “I thought this would happen.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Tell me in advance the next time we wake up in a freezing alleyway drenched in blood.” You don't mean to snap. You're just stressed out of your mind. Cellphones stolen, the memory of a whole week gone, twenty tube stops away from home. (Not to mention that your breath isn't fogging the air, but you've got bigger problems to deal with right now). Who wouldn't be stressed?
Your older brother, apparently. “I wasn't referring to that. We've watched our share of horror films, and we know ghosts can't easily interact with the real world. Remember when you tried to hail that taxi just now?”
“There could be a million reasons why the taxi driver didn't see us. Besides, this isn't the time to talk about ghosts!” you gesture out at the station, your voice rising. “In case you haven't noticed, we're practically stranded in Whitechapel—”
You notice her scent before her voice: both warm and honey-tinged. “Not a ghost, love.” You spin, coming face-to-face with a young lady—or at least, you assume she is; you can't quite tell. The fine, aristocratic bones of her face and her emerald-green eyes remind you of those ancient oil paintings: the ones that, when you stare at them too long, seem as though they're staring back.
You tug at the worn edges of your coat and take a step back. “Who are you? Why were you listening to us?”
“You could call me anything you’d like, but I’d prefer Charlotte.” She has a pleasantly lilting accent; familiar, though you've no idea where you could have heard it before. “And as for the second question, I could have tasted you from Paris, really. Turned just last week, weren't you?”
When neither of you responds, Charlotte (a name that sits strangely on her—you wouldn't have guessed it at first) puts a gloved hand on yours. It feels like ice. Just the weather, you tell yourself. “Listen, love. Get yourself to Easter Head as soon as possible. That's the most important thing you could possibly do.”
You do a bit of mental geography. “But that's so far away from home,” you say, dumbly. “We can't just run off to the northernmost part of Scotland on a whim. Mum might be worried. Pa won't know where to find us. Why do we even need to go there, anyhow?”
Arthur hovers over you, ready to wrench Charlotte's hand away. His face is pale. In a split second, he's turned from jokester into protective older brother. “If what you say is true—”
“You would be surprised how far from home you could get without ever leaving London.” She leans in, her pink lips almost brushing your ear. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "You're lucky to be alive, but the real hunger's still to come. Promise me you'll get yourself to Easter Head, won't you?"
Pressed up against the grimy tile wall, the only thing you can do is nod.
Charlotte pulls back and smiles. It's a sad sort of smile. Her teeth are sharp as knives and spotted with crimson. Before you've the time to be shocked, she's already gone, leaving only a tube ticket in your hand and the tiniest of pulls, low in your stomach.
The still air of the cramped train carriage smells vaguely sweet. Roses? Honeysuckle? You should know this. Once upon a time, you spent every Sunday afternoon squelching about in the vegetable patch, but now all your memories of your past life feel like hand-me-downs.
A stop passes. Then another. It's only at Islington that you realise the scent isn't coming from any kind of flower. A woman presses her cellphone between her ear and shoulder. In the ghostly yellow light, veins pulse beneath the pale curve of her throat. Bruises red as wine peek out the collar of a man's down jacket. A brown-skinned boy who can’t yet be in primary school clutches his father's leg, rainbow scarf hanging loose.
This isn’t supposed to happen yet, is it? This can’t happen to you. Something fierce burns in the pit of your stomach, working its way up to your throat and seizing your breath. In the middle of the divorce, you'd refused to eat for a week in the wild, childish hope that it would convince your father to stay. That week you thought you'd understood what hunger meant. You didn't, you couldn't. Everything pales in comparison to this.
In the back of your head, Charlotte grins and says the real hunger’s still to come.
Arthur looks over at you, eyes wide. He pats your back a few times, except it’s really more of a slap. It doesn't help much. You appreciate the effort, anyhow. “You okay there?”
You bury your face in his coat, and he ruffles your hair with a warm hand. You feel a bit silly, but at this point, you don't really care. “I don’t want to be a monster,” you say. You’re a person, you want to protest, you doodle in history lessons and dance to Adele on the radio when no one’s looking—but you know better than anyone that what you want isn’t necessarily what you get. The girl who did all that’s long gone. You’re not quite sure who’s taken over her body.
“You’ll never be one," he promises. It rings false, though, and he senses it, switching topics with ease. “To your left. Bloke in red. That's my book, isn't it?”
You sit up. Peering out into the dense crowd, you spot a man in a turban and eye-searing maroon trousers, paperback in one hand, and grab rail in another. From this distance, you can only see a sliver of the title, but you already know what it says. Margaret of the Roses, by A.R. Millwood. The man’s eyes are glued onto the page. "It's still such a strange feeling, isn't it?" Arthur whispers. "Maybe I'll spoil the second book for him."
You laugh, tension lifting off of your shoulders. "What, and let a stranger read it before your own sister?"
"I'll show you a chapter when we get back, I promise."
When we get back. It's a comforting thought. After this whole mess is over, you’ll take tea and scones with Mum and Pa and Arthur, laughing and talking about nothing at all. The afternoon sun will stream through the windows. The redness on your lips will just be cranberry jam, ripe and sweet from the bushes in your garden—cranberry jam, that's all there is.
-
There's something scribbled on the wall of the women’s restroom at Victoria Station. For a moment you’re sure you’ve forgotten how to read until you realise it’s written in reverse. You turn to the wall mirror, and there it is. Stark black cursive right where your reflection’s supposed to be. Eat and thou shalt be filled, it says. Genesis 4:9.
You're both terribly lapsed Catholics, but when you tell Arthur about this he cocks his head to the side. You try to ignore the curve of his throat. “I really don’t think that’s the original bible verse.” He searches his coat pockets for his phone, then curses under his breath when he remembers that it’s gone.
“There’s a bookshop near the station,” you offer. You'd seen it on the city map while you were looking for the ticket office. “We can go look it up.”
He glances outside at the bustling shops below. A person dressed in black holds on to their hat to stop it from flying away in the wind. “You sure? It’s just graffiti.”
“It seems as though it’s significant, don’t you think? Charlotte said something about hunger. Maybe they’re connected. You never know.”
He agrees, so you head up the worn brick steps into the cold night air. You really wish you had your trusty tube of lip balm, but you've got about ten shillings between you. (Arthur's bank cards don’t work; corpses can’t use credit, it seems.) you’re not sure what you'll have to do to get to Scotland. Will you have to sneak onto trains? Hide in baggage compartments? Hitch rides with strangers? It’s both thrilling and terrifying at once.
String lights hang above you like stars. Every shop window shouts winter sale, 10% off, come buy, come buy. They're all still too expensive for you, but you're not here to shop around. The pavement's packed with travellers, and after you dodge a laughing family walking ever so slowly you realise with a jolt that after you lost last week there are only three days left to Christmas. Thinking of Mum spending the holidays alone makes your heart— or the place where your heart used to be— squeeze a little. Nobody deserves that, despite what you may feel about her. You resolve to get back to Sutton by Monday.
As you enter the bookshop, Arthur's face lights up. You've never been much of a reader, always preferred real-life to made-up stories, but his happiness is infectious. He points you to the clearance bin, where you blow the dust off the first bible you see. Leather bound and decades old, it's heavier than you thought it would be.
When you crack it open (for a split second fire runs up your veins), a piece of paper flutters out. Arthur lunges to catch it and freezes. He blinks a few times, rubbing his eyes. “You bloody genius, it's a train ticket. A first-class cabin on the Caledonian Sleeper. Going to Glasgow!”
“For Christ's sake.” You slam the bible shut and toss it back into the bin. Under your gloves, your palms tingle.
“Christ indeed.” Arthur squints at the ticket. “It’s leaving in five. C’mon!”
You grab his hand and run.
-
Above the patchwork fields of Lancashire, the sky’s vast and edgeless, a far cry from the small pale square you only caught glimpses of between the council blocks. Snow blankets the rolling hills. You’ve never been this far away from London before.
Out here, you can finally catch your (metaphorical) breath, but as you turn over the events of the night in your head you're left with more questions than answers. What are you going to tell Mum? What's waiting for you at Easter Head? How'd they even know you would pick that exact bible out? (Who's they?)
Arthur must notice you're on edge because he sets his newspaper down and ruffles your dark curls. “I’m sure we’ll be fine, baby sis,” he says. “I'll tell you a story. Perhaps it'll calm your nerves.”
“A bedtime story? Arthur, I'm in the sixth form.”
“No one's too ever old for a good story. What do you want to hear?”
You look at him, face half-shadowed in the darkness. Outside the last stars must be fading away. Your stomach growls low and sharp; a beast rattling at the bars of its cage. What do you want? To eat, to go home, to keep your family close to your heart. “Tell me about Margaret.”
It’s an old question. An old ritual. Invented back when you were barely ten and hiding under your blanket as glass shattered downstairs, ages before Arthur set it down on paper for the world to read. But the book that was published isn’t the one you spun amongst yourselves during those endless nights. That tale’s yours, and yours alone.
You already know how it ends, of course. But will it hurt you to live in the story, just a little while more?
Arthur's voice slips into his old, South London-tinged cadence. It reminds you of the way a bard would have spoken, the audience huddling around the campfire and hanging off his every word. “There was once a fine lady named Margaret, and none in the land was braver than she. One summer day in the apple grove, she met a gentleman who she had never seen before. Both Margaret and the stranger were curious about the other. They stopped on their journeys to listen to each other speak, and this is what the stranger asked of her…”
-
Arthur found the Polaroid under a potted plant in a Costa Coffee. (You learnt the hard way that you couldn’t taste coffee anymore, which was honestly the most depressing thing that's happened so far.) The picture was so blurry and dark that you could barely make out the engraved words on the pub sign, fastened onto a soot-stained brick wall. Keeper & Tiller, c. 1113. The place didn’t seem to be on a single map, so you resorted to wandering aimlessly along the winding backstreets and hoping you would somehow stumble across it sooner or later.
With every step, it becomes more and more clear that you’ve made a terrible mistake. It’s begun to drizzle, and gaps between the cobblestones have filled up into miniature rivers. The stillness is only broken by the whine of a police siren or the sudden slam of a door. Your hunger sits back on its heels, waiting to pounce.
The city seems curiously abandoned for this time of day. No harried businessmen, no drunkards wrapped in blankets. There might as well be no one else in the world except for you and your brother. He hums All I Want For Christmas Is You as he walks, skipping around puddles. Moments like this, you almost forget he’s older.
This is when you notice the scent.
Sickly, cloying sweetness, thick as mist. The beast in your stomach roars, and without thinking, you take off in a run. Arthur shouts, but you don’t listen. Everything else has fallen away. The streets unfold in your mind like a spider’s web, and you know at once where you’re meant to be. There’s nothing you’ve ever been surer of. You turn a corner, slide to a stop. Rainwater splashes up behind you. There it is. Young and scrawny, half-moons under its eyes. Veins thrumming underneath its skin like the roots of an old oak tree.
Its bottle of pop hits the ground, sending shards every-which-way. You close in. Saliva pools in your mouth. Pressed up against the rough brick, the skin at the back of its neck scrapes off. The smallest drop of blood, red as cranberry jam, bubbles up. Its skinny wrist is fragile in your grasp. Once upon a time, you were never this strong, but things have changed, haven’t they?
It swears and aims a few half-hearted kicks at your chest. You barely notice. There's a ringing in your ears you can't escape. The air is filled with rain and honey, rain and honey. The rotting Victorian buildings tower around you and your prey: a ruin, a trap, a circle of cairns. Its neck, too high to reach, pulls and pulses. It’s neither logic nor morals but sheer overwhelming hunger that sinks your nails into its bony shoulder to pull it down to your level, that draws your teeth ever nearer to its skin, that—
(The figure has a familiar face. Perhaps it might even be your own.)
-
You wake to a sky full of stars and lips raw from biting. Midges have settled on your face. Long grass tickles the back of your neck, finds its way up between your toes. When you were young you used to lie in your garden just like this. From that angle you could almost imagine that you had slipped into a world of giant things, a world not meant for you.
But this isn’t your garden, is it? You pull yourself upright and find your legs are numb beneath you. There’s dried blood on your sweater, but perhaps that was always there. Around you, there’s no trace of civilisation as far as the eye can see. The wind rushes through the bushes, making them cry out like new widows. For the moment it’s the stormy ocean, dark and wild under a weathered pier. Ready to surge up without warning and eat you whole. Where are you? How'd you get here? Last you remembered, you were passing through Lancashire—
the shops in Westminster—
somewhere once upon a time, in a land far, far, away—
“Breathe easy, baby sis.” Turning, you discover your brother next to you, and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. If Arthur's here, nothing can really hurt you, can it? He reaches over, brushing your curls away from your face. Wildflowers have been strung through his hair—bluebells and saxifrage—and leaves spill out of the sleeves of his coat. His fingers are ice-cold. “Are you ready to tell the story yet?”
You want to say I don't know what you mean by that, but the lie gets stuck in your throat. Finally, you cough, “I'm not a good storyteller, not like you are.”
Arthur laughs a little and runs a hand through your hair. “Try your best. The only thing that matters is that it's true.”
Time unspools in your hands like a ribbon. The stars and moors and winds all hold their breath, waiting for your tale.
-
So there I was, privately seething as I wandered through Sutton at half-past-one in the morning. It was far too cold and far too late for any sane person to be out, but I just had to get a breath of fresh air. I was planning to pace up and down the pavement for a bit, gather my thoughts, and then I would go back home to set the story straight with Arthur. I couldn't find it in myself to forgive him just yet, though.
We had been catching up over a cup of tea in the kitchen—he had only just returned from uni for Christmas, and I was pleased as punch to see him again. While I was busy gloating about how I'd once bought a week's worth of groceries with five pounds, he had interrupted to suggest that I move in with him until I turned eighteen. I was meant for bigger things, he had told me, not for cleaning up mum's sick and working dead-end jobs to pay for her vodka.
At first, I couldn't believe my ears. My brother's always been collected, mind you, but he was never cruel. Not like this, anyhow. Of course, I had protested and made it clear that I wouldn't abandon Mum, not for anything. Family was forever, after all, and it wasn't as if I had much to look forward to when I left school. We couldn't all be geniuses. He still didn't understand, and that was when I lost my temper.
'I want to keep this family together,' I said, very slowly, 'but it seems I'm the only one here who cares about that.'
Arthur looked as if he'd been slapped. I fled the house.
I was angry, and I was cold, and I hadn't eaten a decent meal for the better part of a month. The dole really doesn't pay for much, you know. Naturally, the girl carrying the crate of fruit caught my eye. She was tucked away in a sleepy side street, far from where the crowds were, but I didn't much care. I went to her anyhow. Something in that crate called to me, the way a story pulls you in and doesn’t let you go until it’s done.
The girl was tall and elfin, skin pale as the moon. I wondered how she'd come by such fresh fruit in the dead of winter. She only smiled—no, smirked, her teeth all gleaming white— and offered me a crabapple.
I raised an eyebrow. The fruit seemed perfect, gold and glistening in the dimness. Too good to be true. ‘It's laced with cyanide, isn't it?'
She tossed the crabapple up and caught it. ‘If I was going to kill you, you would have a knife in your stomach by now.’
We both laughed. ‘You're a sceptic.' The girl leaned forward, strands of hair obscuring her face. She couldn't have been much older than I was. ‘I appreciate that. What's your name, poisoner?’
I'd never been one for romance novels, but at that moment I could have sworn there was a flutter in my chest, just like the old cliché. ‘I'm Charlotte.’
‘Charlotte,’ she repeated. When she said my name it felt as though the word was invented ju st for her to speak. ‘What brings you here tonight?’
‘Just wanted to get away from home for a while. Brother's being a right tosser, he is.’
The girl frowned. ‘I don't really understand. What brought you here? To this alleyway, to my fruits.’
All of a sudden my throat had turned dry. The flutter in my heart was morphing into something stranger. Even the air was sluggish and slow, like the air in a dream. ‘Hunger,’ I said, and I knew it was true.
I hadn't even noticed that I'd offered her my hand until I found myself holding the crabapple. It was heavier than I'd expected it to be. I wrapped my fingers around its glossy skin, bringing it up to the sliver of light that spilled towards us from the faraway main road.
The girl covered my hand with her own. It felt as though I had plunged my arm into ice, numb and cold, as she raised the crabapple all the way to my lips. I had had crabapples before, and I wasn't sure how in the world I could have misremembered their scent—rich and sweet as honeysuckle.
‘Eat and thou shalt be filled.’ I could see my reflection in her emerald eyes. ‘Eat, Charlotte.’
I tilted my head up and ate.
-
“That’s it,” you say.
Your brother only shakes his head. Through him, you can see stars dotted across the Scottish night sky, stars you could never have seen back in Sutton. You pull out some blades of grass and watch them scatter in the chilly breeze. The lines on your palms are stained with red.
But they’re not yours anymore, are they?
All of a sudden, you realise that you have been caught up in something ancient and vast and beyond your comprehension, far older than the stones of the house you grew up in or the roads the Romans laid through this land in their frail attempts to tame it. The story has been out of your control for a very long time. “You already know how it goes," you say. "Why hear it again?”
Arthur smiles. Pa always said that he had the smile of a hero, someone who would be immortalised in marble someday. Perfect, glimmering, spotted with blood. “To bring it back to life.”
-
I knew, then, that I had to go to Whitechapel. At the time I wasn’t sure why, except there was a tug low in my stomach that was pulling me there, past the traffic and the people down into the very heart of London.
The thing about London is that it’s a city ruled by the dead. Every other pathway crosses over someone’s grave. Countless bodies lie in the night-black water of the Thames, threatening to rise to the surface. Even the sturdy walls of the old manor homes were built upon the bones of the coolies and slaves that gave this nation its great wealth.
Which is a long-winded way to say that the London I passed through after I’d been turned wasn’t the London that I’d always known. The electric lamps flickered and cast green light. Shadows pooled in street corners, vanishing when I got too close. The crowds seemed to be a mass of bones and flesh, a many-headed thing. I paid no attention to most of these, walking through the city in something close to a stupor. I couldn’t have told you my name, or the date, or much of anything.
When I finally arrived in Whitechapel, I found myself staring up at the sticker-covered glass of a curry house. Inside, groups gathered around still-steaming bowls, laughing and chattering away as if they’d nothing to worry about in the whole world. Next to the window, a family of four was devouring oversized portions of chicken tikka masala. The younger son, who couldn’t have been more than eight, was gesturing wildly as he spoke, his mouth still full of food. He must have choked on something halfway through because he stopped and began to splutter. His grinning older sister hit him on the back far more violently than she should have.
I kept standing there after they left, watching the neon sign turn from blue to green to blue again, long after the lights went off. The whole time no one had noticed me. I might have waited there until I froze if it wasn’t for the shout.
When I turned, I didn’t have a moment to react before the stranger tackled me. It might have been that I was weak, or he was strong, but either way I stumbled, nearly falling to my knees. The stranger pulled back, and for the first time, I recognised his face.
“I was so worried.” Lately, even his accent had lost its familiar storytelling tone. “Where in the world have you been?”
“I’m not home,” I replied. It was the only thing I knew to be true. I felt very young and very small. “Want to go home.”
He muttered something about going back to Sutton, but I didn’t want Sutton. Where would I be returning to? A small and dreary house on a street surrounded by other small and dreary houses. A little-used kitchen, filled with rubbish, stinking of vodka. A mum who wasn’t who she used to be, and a father who’d never come home. A garden that had been killed by the cold.
My brother wasn’t looking at me, but ahead at what must have been the comforting mundanity of colourful shop windows. He couldn’t have seen what I had: blood thrumming through warm bodies, trickling through the dirt underneath our feet, setting every cell in my body alight.
Once upon a time, the two of us had huddled so tightly together under a ragged quilt that we seemed to merge into one. Our arms had been intertwined, my head pressed against his shoulder. In the orange glow of the flashlight, you couldn’t have told the two of us apart. We had been the sole inhabitants of a secret universe- at least until the sun began to rise.
Now there was a chasm between us, widening moment by moment. He was a genius, I was not. He went away, I stayed behind. He was alive, and I was dead.
I tugged him closer to me, the fog of honey so dense you could slice it. For a brief and terrible moment, my brother smiled. Pa was wrong this whole time, you see. It wasn't a hero's smile. It was just my brother's, and that was all I needed.
I smiled back, and my teeth sank into his skin. He tasted of cranberry jam.
There's nothing more to tell.
-
You killed him. You killed him—you, you, you, all along only always you alone—god, you’re a monster. You never wanted to be like your mother, destroying her family for her desires, but here you are anyway. You know better than anyone that what you want isn't necessarily what you get. It’s so ironic you could scream.
It's then that the verse comes back to you, pulled out from under layers of dust and years. Genesis 4:9. Where is your brother Abel?
You crumple. The long grass comes up to meet you, but it's softer than you'd expect, softer than what you deserve— Don't say that, love. You deserve softness. You're not a monster, understand? the skylarks sing. This time it doesn't ring false.
You loved him. He's always been part of you, just as you've always been part of him. You were born with the same blood, after all.
“Will I ever go home again?” you ask them, but you already know the answer. The Earth only sings it back to you, in your voice, Arthur's voice, and a thousand others besides. Your home's nestled between your ribs and written in the stars. No matter where you wander, there will always be someone to guide your path.
You realise, then, that the howling in your stomach has stopped. You doubt it'll ever start again.
Stumbling to your feet, the Highlands spread out in your mind like a spider's web. The pathway in front of you is as endless as the midnight sky. Smoke drifts up towards the sky from a village that's still nothing but pinpricks of light.
The wind ruffles your hair as you begin to walk. You don't look back.
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