#This will have no effect on his life whatsoever ive never met the man i intend to avoid it at all costs

[freebooter4ever]

what did neil gaiman ever do to you? if you don't mind me asking

LOL! "do to me"? Absolutely nothing, he doens't know i exist! It's a piece of writing of his i took issue with - quite a bit of sexism. But this is an OLD grudge of mine. Like i read this essay in my teens. A pattern i have noticed in myself: if i decide i like someone i tend to get - sometimes blindly - very very loyal. And neil wrote a thing about someone i hero worship more than anybody else ever, and teenage me got very angry. Im sure his opinions have very probably changed in two decades, my anger is not exactly rational, but i still hate him. And because my anger is irrational i mostly just ignore him and keep him off my blog. BUT i respect what he has been doing for the strike and writers of the next generation. So on my blog he goes. BUT i still hate him. Hence the tags. I didnt think anybody would care/notice. Sorry!

Also its not like i dont like some of his work, cor*line is cute, good ome*ns is entertaining, i love star*dust. I just really, really hate him. As a person. :P

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Hail Mary: Part IV

Part I  Part II  Part III 

I woke knowing instantly, breathtakingly, that Jamie was there, holding me. 

Thank God. 

Thank God he’d come after me. 

Thank God that his voice was behind me, urgent with tenderness, and his arms alive with exactly the same as they pulled me close against the chill. “Are ye warm enough, mocree?” 

‘Oh, yes,’ I tried to whisper, but the words were subsumed by a tiny sound from my throat—a mew?— of simple, silly happiness; of closeness, of sweetness, and of complete security. I let myself fall back into the dark of him, the heat of his chest against my back; his knees behind mine; my mind swirling lazily, freely within the haven he had made for me within himself.  

Then I woke again and his soft, warm mouth was latching slowly into the curve of my neck and shoulder. I was moaning and he was moving higher; higher toward my ear as he whispered unknown syllables into my skin. Moaning. Moaning and feeling his breath, his lips, his love at my ear. Moaning, on my back in the heather with Jamie on top of me, slipping his hand into the neck of my shift to free my breasts. Moaning, gasping as he put his mouth on them, suckling me hard; moaning as his hand slid hard under my hips, pulling me up against him. Feeling him hard, even through the layers of clothing. Bucking against him, my fingers digging into his back. Moaning as he moved urgently forward and back, his mouth never leaving my nipple; moving with him, keening.

“I need ye,” he groaned suddenly in a hoarse whisper against my breasts, his grip on my thigh tightening hard and the motions of his hips growing alarmingly urgent with need. He was gasping from it, his whole body shaking. “I need ye now, mocree.”

“Have me,” I was groaning back, reeling with my own desire, feeling an electric wave travel through me as I heard his moan of lust, as he grappled frantically with my skirts. “Jamie, Jamie I’m yours—Pl—”

I woke, bolted upright, and gasped violently all at once, so fast and suddenly that the horse reared against her tether nearby and whinnied in terror. Instinct brought me flying across the clearing to calm her, but the moment she subsided, I staggered backward and fell hard onto the ground on the far side of her tree, shaking uncontrollably from head to toe—from rage or—something else—I couldn’t tell.

“Goddamn FUCKING hell!” I hissed in fury and despair into the night as I dragged myself up to lean against the tree. “Can’t he leave me the hell alone?”

No, I canna…And ye ken why, lass.

After Jamie’s startling proposal—that ridiculous…. heartbreakingly beautiful  proposal— I’d spent the rest of my evening on my hasty but effective escape plan. I’d passed round the laced whisky multiple times along with the plain that flowed freely in honor of Jamie’s pardon; no one had noticed that they were sinking further and more quickly into drowsiness than was usual. Before that, I had contrived a deep and sudden interest in discussing our route with Ned, memorizing the maps he pulled forth from his saddle bag, devouring them and repeating to myself over and over as he talked: that direction to the Ness. Follow it up to Inverness. Then a bit south and a bit east, and not far to Craigh na Dun. 

All had gone to plan. Until Jamie had followed me. Granted, I’d traveled infinitely faster on the horse onto which he’d thrown me than I would have on foot, but —

Jesus, the way he had looked at me—begged me—

But I had had to go—right then—had told myself I wouldn’t stop even to sleep, wouldn’t stop for a moment till I reached the standing stones and was back in Frank’s world. Yet, I had all but fallen from my horse, and hadn’t even bothered with a fire; just curled beneath my earasaid and fallen into a deep sleep.

But apparently not deep enough to keep out Jamie Fraser.

I sat there in the freezing night, bringing my knees up to my chin and hugging them in frustration. “Beauchamp….you stupid…. lust-crazed—”

It’s no’ just lust. Ye ken that, as well as I; ye ken what there is between us, mocree. 

“I didn’t even know what that word means, you bastard!” 

But it was clear enough from the way he had spoken it, the way it had sounded in the night as he’d reached for me, that it indicated some deep…. 

“I care for you, Claire”

“Dear God,” I whispered into my arms, longing, defeated. “…Jamie…”

Yes, of course there was something between us. 

Of course I felt it between us almost from the first.

Of COURSE that night in his arms had been… 

“Jamie Fraser, you stupid boy! Why the BLOODY hell did you have to propose?”

But thank God he had. Thank GOD, or else I’d have—what? Had him in the woods at the first opportune moment? Had—a life with him?

…I bet it would have been a good life…

Dear God. 

“Who….are you, Beauchamp?”

My horrified question resonated in the darkened glade, indicting, with no answer reverberating back. 

Go. Go now and don’t think of anything but your husband. 

That’s who who’ve got to be: you’re Frank’s wife. 

I scrambled to my feet and untethered the horse as quickly as I could. 

What a ridiculous fool I’d been, so be lulled into a prisoner’s security with the MacKenzies. My HUSBAND was back in the twentieth century with no notion whatsoever as to what happened to his wife. He’d spent nearly six weeks frantic with fear. And I’d all but forgotten him. 

“I’m coming, Frank,” I whispered as I set off at a gallop. “I promise.” 

The entire morning, the entire afternoon, the entire evening, my mind was a terror fugue, a mad fury of fear and guilt, punctuated by the haunting tones of Welshman’s song of the woman of Balnain. 

I lived for a time among strangers

Jamie. 

who became lovers and friends

Jamie, with the wounds I inflicted upon him showing in his eyes. 

lovers and friends

Jamie… 

lovers 

Jamie…

NO: FRANK.

FRANK, waiting. 

FRANK, worrying. 

FRANK. 

At last, as night fell once more, the hill of Craigh na Dun appeared in the distance. I kicked the horse hard and we raced up the slope, both of us panting and heaving. Could the animal feel my terror? 

I saw the moon come out 

FRANK. 

and the wind rose once more,

so I touched the stones

FRANK. 

and traveled back to my own land

FRANK. 

and took up again with the man I had left behind

FRANK. 

The stones were wailing, keening. 

I threw myself off the horse.  

“Frank…Frank…Frank….” was on my lips as I staggered to the stone circle. 

And as the wind did rise, 

rose so high my skirts billowed around me,

I slammed my hands against the screaming stone.

Frank. 

And nothing.

“Frank.”

Hours. 

Blood dripping down my hands and smearing the stone. 

“Frank….” 

“Oh, God… Frank….”

I had no voice in the dawn light. I had no tears left. 

My body was curled around the base of the stone, cradling the memory of the life I had had.

Once more.

Once more, the stone under my bleeding hands. 

And nothing.

Exactly. 

The sun was blinding me as I dug, the dirt like glass in my scraped and bleeding hands.

In the hole at the base of the stone, I placed my gold ring. It glinted in the sunlight as I stared down. 

From F to C with love. Always.

“Goodbye, Frank.”

Thank God the horse hadn’t strayed far. I found her at the stream and caught her by the halter, the panic I had felt rush through me in waves during my night on the hill surprisingly absent.

Frank was gone. Or rather, I was gone. The stones were a one-way voyage that was now complete. It was that simple. The Frank part of my life was now done. 

Why doesn’t his loss hurt you more? Have you no heart, you coldhearted—

But those were only echoes of guilt, calling out faintly to me from the hole I had dug—the hole I had covered over, handful by handful— at the base of the stones. 

And part of me had known it all along, hadn’t it? Since the first moment I’d realized I’d gone back to another time? The Welshman’s song had given me hope, yes, but of course I knew that there was always the chance I would never be able to return. 

In truth, I’d been grieving and healing from the loss of Frank ever since I arrived at Leoch. I had fled to the stones out of guilt, pure and simple. Lord, my very thoughts on that ride told everything in black and white: 

‘Frank is worried;’ ‘Frank is your husband.’ 

NOT‘I can’t bear another day without Frank;’ not ‘what if I never see Frank again?’; not ‘I ache to have you back in my arms, Frank.’

No. It was : “You’ve got to fight your way back to Frank. You’re his wife.” 

I loved Frank; had always loved, him even from the first…but I didn’t feel a visceral need of him when we weren’t together; not now, not when we first met, not even during the war. 

I hadn’t ever felt in almost eight years—even with nearly all of our marriage spent apart— the way I felt now, missing Jamie.

Yes, perhaps I would hear those echoes from Craigh na Dun many times in the years to come; but I had made my choice and I was turning the horse without conscious thought. 

I could make my way south to England, blend in and start a new life among the familiar voices, quietly, living out my life alone in atonement for what was lost and what wickedness had clouded my heart. 

But it was north that I was turning; north that I made for with all haste; to the life that the stones had just made possible. 

North.

To Jamie. 

[more to come]

[lovecomesin]

my so called life- wtf man?

first I would like to apologize for being gone for soo long but as you know ive been living life and shit. I have soo much to catch you up on so I guess i’ll just dive in. lets start with my ex- Jordan. lol I know its been a while since I thought I would even mention his name but here I am. now its not like you thought so in regular fashion buckle the fuck up lol. Jordan has a baby on the way. yeah i said it a whole baby. but before I even knew about the baby Jordan has been hitting me up, calling me, asking yo get back with me, wanting me to come over, etc. he claims he likes me and wants me and he even admitted that he bullshitted in our past relationship. (I was shook lol) but he tbh Jordan has always been good at making it eel like we were together when we are together but the distance is what brings confusion yet clarity. I may oblige him just to see hoe he acts and to have a little fun. Jordan is possibly the only old dude of mine that I would have casual sex with but I gotta test my theory to ensure its possible for me to deliver before I actually agree to anything. now when I say agree I mean agreeing to ock with him becausevi cut Jordan alllllthe way off. I would not answer his calls or texts whatsoever. I wasn't even being vindictive about it I just literally was okay with not answering. I believe he understands now that I am capable of moving on with no problem because I was about to walk out on him after not even 10 mins and he pulled e back down to sit. overall with jprdan I'm testing the waters. he has a child coming and the last thing I want to do is avoid the situationship just to get pulled into it at a later date. that is not my plan, goal or anything desire. now to change things up I used to have the biggest crush on this guy my freshman year pf college. they called him cashmere but his real name is Terrence and he is from th Bronx. mmmm lol. Terrence was in a cimmited relationship from the moment I met him and they seemed to not be breaking up. since I'm not homereacker I avoided him but was in the same organization actually I joined spoken word just to hear him. hes a poet more than anything. very deep, very sexy. so him and hs girlfriend broke up and I hopped in his dm.s and now we talk on the phone and just started firiting. heres where life comes in. so it seems as though he ony hits me up when he is at work. he worls overnight and we talk all night when hes at work but when he is off I do not hear from him. I like him and if he was in Atlanta I would def deal with him over anybofy else but he still in nyc. its safer to see him as a distance crush whom I will never see. in a way I ;ike it because its pretty difficult to ruin somwthing that isn't directly with you. I haven't heard from him since I called him on cinco de mayo but I was driking and I refused to let him ruin my time. to be honest I like Terrence he’ s cool and sweet but I don't want to only talk t him when its benefetial to him/ that's not fair and I while I myself I do allow people to lean on me entirely and I am done with giving away all my emotional energy. cook claims he likes me and wants to make something out of us but he’s been living it Atlanta this whole time and I still haven't seen him. same with Brandon. I cut Brandon off completely and we chatting for now but it seems different. to be honest I don't want to talk to Jordan, cook or Brandon. I want something new. he reason I left Terrence out is because he is my friend who I just so happen to be attracted to. I was attracted to him first and now I finally am getting the opprutnity t get to know him. I don't want to cut him off so he can stay. when I first started this letter I was over it, frustrated, confsed but now I'm together. I mostly need time to think and wrap my mind around outside factors to effectively channel them inside. i’ll update you soon.until next time laters baby