#This post took way longer than I thought bc I kept going on tangents that I had to cut and paste somewhere else for later

[mcybree]

Scott has a weird relationship with fear.

He is incredibly confident and difficult to intimidate, as he lives under this assumption that everything is under control. Anything that threatens this assumption is corrected as soon as possible, for his own peace of mind. Oh, so and so hates him? He does something nice for them, so now he has something to bring up if they think about attacking him. Oh, he’s about to die? He takes himself out on his own terms, so that even the inevitability of death is something he has a say on (See: double life finale, many limited life deaths, the start of secret life episode 7). This philosophy is behind like… 90% of everything he does, feeling in control (even when things very much aren’t) is something very important to him.

When Scott is told about the zombie apocalypse, what does he do? He says no thank you, and he goes back home. The reason he gives to the survivors is that he thinks the zombies are only after green names and therefore it isnt his problem. but like. considering that bdubs was infected as a yellow, there is actually no way that he wouldn’t have realized that reason is bullshit. Scott is smart. That isn’t the real reason he brushes off THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. The real reason is that he thinks bad things can’t happen to him unless he lets them happen; he thinks that he is safe as long as he plays it safe. Gem already advised him to stay clear of her this session, Gem is his friend and ally, and Gem has *no reason* to go after him, so he believes himself exempt from the apocalypse… Almost.

He decides to approach the zombie army directly anyways, and give them a gift: a disc and a jukebox! This is how he plans to settle any remaining doubts he has: to reassure that yes, they won’t go after him, because he’s made himself a good asset (and to Gem and Impulse, a great one). He should still be exempt anyways, of course (this is why he felt safe enough to even approach them in the first place), but it doesn’t hurt to reassure himself that he is by reminding them that he is nice and friendly and helpful and good to keep around. Yes, this should keep the target off his back for sure. This is how Scott avoids and resolves a good 80% of conflicts; playing the social game is how he survives, it’s how he feels safe and like everything’s under control.

But Gem is different. Gem doesn’t care. Her army doesn’t care.

They surround him, they mock him, he runs and they chase him. Gem says (almost playfully) “Hey Scar, you wanna take the first hit?” and Scott repeats “first hit?” in this sort of quiet disbelief. He gets away, but it shakes him; he’d heard his own heartbeat (represented via a heartbeat sound effect played during the scene), he was genuinely scared. because… that Should Have Worked. As per usual, he’d played the social game well this entire game, so realistically Gem’s army shouldn’t be after him, it’s even led by his ally ffs. It doesn’t make any sense to him. He later assumes it was entirely the task, the task made Gem untrustworthy, so he still calls Gem and Impulse his allies. That is, until Gem dies, and respawns back at their base.

The first thing Scott does is compliment Gem, tells her to do a little twirl to show off her new red outfit. But he can hear his heartbeat again. He’s still scared. The second thing he does is downplay how much he knows, and ask for an explanation— “Oh my goodness, what’s happening? I know there’s like a zombie apocalypse…” but Gem isnt listening. Instead, Gem announces how much of a good job Joel is doing, having killed Skizz! Gem takes an innocent step towards Scott, and Scott steps back. Gem notices. She takes a couple more steps. Purposeful this time. Threatening. Scott goes for Plan C: He shows off how useful he is. He warns her that Martyn trapped her tripwire, all while backing away with every step Gem takes. But Gem doesn’t care about that. She knows he’s scared. She wants to make that known. “How are you feeling?” she asks. It’s rhetorical. She knows EXACTLY what he’s feeling. She just wants to hear him say it. So Scott makes a break for it. Gem chases. He still tries to give her an incentive to stop, telling her that he hears digging, doesn’t she want to go see what the digging is? She hits him with her sword, says she just really wants to do some damage. Scott yells “YOU’VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE, GEM!” to which Gem yet again asks how he’s feeling. Scott says “HURT” and Gem lets him get away.

Scott hardly ever lets himself feel fear, but when he does, he (being as reputation focused as he is) almost always defaults to a fawn response. but gem is not a fawn she is a deer with antlers who will maul you in the woods and leave your body for the worms and fungi to clean up. Scott tried to appease her in any way that he could, flipping through every method that usually works… and for the first time, it all failed completely. He did everything he could have done to prevent this, and she still hurt him even though he gave her no incentive— he gave her nothing but incentives not to, in fact. It doesn’t make any sense! He can’t avoid this, he can’t will this away, he can’t even fight back because Gem is stronger and Gem won’t back down. Scott was never in any real danger— Gem hadn’t even planned on killing him, as it wouldn’t have counted for her task. She just hit him a couple of times and let him scamper off. But Scott was still noticeably more afraid in that situation than he is during actual real attempts on his life. Because Scott isn’t afraid of death, not in itself. He’s afraid of outcomes he cannot predict, and he is afraid of what he cannot influence. By being his ally all season, ignoring all of Scott’s attempts to make peace and then chasing him down anyways, taunting him the whole way— Gem proves in an instant that she can not be influenced at all. She could bite scotts arm off just because she feels like it. And (gestures to opening paragraph) for someone who needs to feel in control to feel secure, this is a huge problem.

Scott recounts this interaction to Cleo, and Cleo asks Scott why he didn’t just hit her back. He tells her outright: “yeah that scares me.” And it’s not hard to see why. Gem is genetically engineered to scare him shitless. Scott fears feeling powerless, and most of all he fears fear itself. Gem not only attacked him, but she toyed with him, she took joy in it, and she made him think about how it made him feel.

tldr: scott needs to feel in control to feel safe. gem is more powerful than scott through not giving a fuck about his niceties. this mixes badly, and scott cowers for the very first time.

On a related note: I think I would kiss cgem passionately under the moonlight.

coughs. Everypony who wishes to hear about scott secret life episode 7 and is old enough to catch their own prey please gather under pride rock or whatever the fuck they say to call an emergency meeting these days. I need everyone to know why this episode is so unusual for him… I take back anything I have ever said about gem in my entire life that implied disinterest; Gem and her zombie apocalypse scared the SHIT out of Scott. NOBODY HAS EVER MANAGED TO DO THAT BEFORE.

[herotheshiro]

ok so i’m gonna actually write out a post instead of reblogging and commenting bc i expect to go a little longer than i have patience for via tagging. EDIT: ok yes this did end up becoming a monster of a post. i apologize to those who actually try to read this/manage to read the entire thing

so this manga is called will you marry me again if i am reborn, it’s abt a couple who meet when they are 5yo and 9yo respectively (if i remember correctly, i just know their age diff is 4 yrs) and they basically have feelings for each other from day one so they get engaged at 26 and 30yo (synopsis basically of ch 1 lol). the manga consists of basically one-shots covering both the mains’ experiences growing up together and the experiences of the fam/friends around them. (i say one-shots bc the “story” usually gets resolved in 1 ch, there technically is a linear plot connecting the chapters but the main meat of the ch is usually not covering that plot specifically but rather talking abt things that come up due to that plot. this makes more sense if you actually have read the manga)

classic me decided to look this up on a whim despite having schoolwork to do after seeing it while going through my IG saved (i had seen this manga at least a yr or so ago but never looked it up) and damn ngl i was expecting it to be a one-shot but nah it’s 4 volumes and ongoing .......

at face value, i do like this manga ... the main couple is sweet and i’m weak to cute scenes, the women in this manga are badass and physically and emotionally wrecking havoc (not in a bad way, just like in a headstrong way) while the men weep (not like in an abuse way, just like they’re uselessly crying abt stuff), and i think the way the manga covers the history of this family/related ppl is interesting (i.e., it’s not a completely linear way, like 1 ch is this person. now the next ch is their mother. now the next ch is their father, etc etc). this manga does take place in japan in the 40s though, so note some social things still remain despite the switching of stereotypical gender roles (e.g., everyone is married at 25-30yo. like i kept getting caught up on this one like ‘why the fuck is every character married. like chill, you don’t gotta be married--oh wait nm i forgot back then ppl tended to get married p fast/early’).

on that note. probably my biggest complaint with this manga though is (spoiler) the pairing of chizuru and toyokichi. who have an age gap of 7yo and 32yo (AT STORY INTRODUCTION. thankfully they don’t get together/are really romantically involved until later but hold on let me say what i want to say first before i go into that). that’s right, what i thought was a joke premise (‘a pathetic man like you is still single rn? well i’ll let you marry me once i become of age if you’re still alone’) was NOT actually a joke bc later chapters reveal that they did get together as adults. which is FUCKED UP !!! like sure i feel like there are het couples irl who have huge ass age gaps and these relationships are for the most part accepted (or tolerated) then in the 40s and even now but that is so fucking weird that this man 25 yrs a girl’s senior still for whatever cursed reason married the girl in the end. (like legit. when the girl said that statement above, the man was like ‘damn i’d be committing a borderline CRIME if i did that’. not in a romanticized way though, like he was weirded out and that is so damn sad that i feel the need to clarify that. i have read too much shit and unfortunately some ppl do like that) 1. i don’t understand why ppl need to pair up all of their mains/introduced characters so bad. like... if needed it’s ok to introduce a side character who doesn’t get much focus. you don’t need to pair everyone up ages be damned; 2. the acceptance of such shit ... idk. i’m not saying older generations are all necessarily fine with such age gaps but also idk if maybe that shit just flies with older ppl and it’s not a big problem (i say that bc the adults in the story don’t really seem to be saying much abt it). then again, i haven’t seen what their getting together story is yet (we’ve only been seeing them together as they are in present time aka as adults) so idk if maybe ppl were against it but they still got together but man. that shit rubs me the wrong way.

as of right now, the ongoing story is focusing on the effect of ww2 on the mains’ and their families. tbh i was kind of surprised at how this story turned into a war story; i mean it’s to be expected if your story is in the 40s, i think most stories around the world that take place in the 40s HAVE to talk abt ww2 bc it’s not really something that can be glossed over easily since it really did impact daily life so much. but also i didn’t expect it ... i don’t really enjoy reading war stories, not only are they sad to read sometimes but also i feel like sometimes it’s glamorized to some degree. i don’t feel like this manga glamorizes it but i’m gonna be real i’m always kind of uncomfortable bc i’m used to hearing/reading abt nationalistic depictions (aka “hell yea go [insert native country], we are the best and fuck everyone else. also look at our causalities, we deserve to fight the other side for doing this to us”) and i never know if the author is suddenly gonna go in that direction. based on what’s been presented i don’t think it’s gonna veer in that direction but yeah.

otherwise, i think this manga is a cute read. it’s well-written enough that i kept going despite the hiccup covered 2 paragraphs ago, and i think emotional parts are handled relatively well. i think the characters are enticing for the most part, however i do feel that characters get paired up too fast (or the implication that they’re gonna get paired up). i understand that many of the characters’ stories are really only covered in 1 ch so you gotta just pair them up quickly, but for example the burned eye girl and the ex-yakuza ... i wish they hadn’t INTRODUCED the burned eye girl as being romantically interested in the latter even if it is true esp since their story is ongoing and wasn’t just limited to 1-2 chapters. like i get there’s history and we’re looking at “present day” where she’s head over heels for him but like ... idk. i’ve never been a huge fan of stories where it’s basically stated outright ppl have feelings for one another, like tangent but that’s why i didn’t really like j*son x p*per from the HoO series (i never finished this series btw lol. i think i only read up to h*ouse of h*des and even then i’m unsure if i even finished that book) bc they were basically introduced AS a couple and i’m like bro i barely know these characters, let me figure them out first before i pair them together. yes they took a break for a bit bc j*son literally lost his memory but all of their interactions from early on were then romantic to some degree as a result and i’m like bro. (on the other hand, that’s why i liked h*zel x fr*nk better. yes i believe fr*nk was introduced as having a crush on h*zel but i feel like their early development was relatively separate. also i’m censoring everything bc i don’t want the risk of pj0 ppl coming at me) i’ve also only been reading BL recently so i’m like ‘damn ok too many het pairings and not enough lgbtq content’; i mean it’s the 40s but also gay ppl weren’t invented afterwards or anything lol (that’s sarcasm. supposed to be a reference to that one tumblr post i saw where they’re like ‘we can’t have black ppl in this period piece’ ‘what, were black ppl not invented yet?’)

next paragraph despite same point bc these paragraphs are literally becoming walls. but while i think it’s cute, i prob won’t be actively following. i feel like it’s pretty standard fare for genres/topics like this despite the more unconventional storytelling. it’s relatively well done but there’s not really much new grounds being covered with this story so i don’t feel particularly inclined to pay strong attention. now that i’m at the end of this review, i’d just like to say godDAMNIT (spoiler) kenji died, and the irony hurts that kenji was like ‘kind ppl like you will die in war’ but then he ended up dying bc of his own kindness towards toyokichi ... i mean i knew he was gonna die, that’s just how the story was going but also damn it ... also if main guy’s older bro doesn’t personally meet main girl’s older bro in the story ... wtf. everything is pointing towards that happening

[ogoody]

My Thoughts

I took the time to write out my thoughts lately. These thoughts will be pretty raw so the grammar and structure might be all over the place. I wrote them on my phone. I’m posting these on my tumblr to live forever

What brings me to writing my thoughts out is I feel I may not be able to fully express my feelings when I actually talk. The ideas are concise in my head but in the moments of conversation on this critical topic of my life, I'm fumbling with my speech because theres so much in my head and so little room for conversation to fully convey my thoughts without getting sidetracked or lost in my own scramble. I'm not good with dates or specifics so details in this may be off by a little but the sentiments are all 100% pure to my heart. I have came to the critical realization of my life over the past approximate 5 years. It has been building with the experiences in those years. I started dating Erica march of 2010. We dated for approximately 9 months. It was my first relationship and I dealt with so many insecurities and made so many mistakes at the time. I should have never let her go, but I did not mature to understanding my behavior and wanting to fix it until it was too late. My whole life, when confronted with immense conflict, I would take on the typical fight or flight response but in the most basic ways. My fight responses where mostly when I could physically fight an issue. I took my flight responses for everything else. I had low tolerance for anything contrary to my beliefs and comfort. I was also very unforgiving of others. These are some of the aspects of my personality that had a major contribution to the biggest mistake of my life back then in leaving her. I realized this about myself fast-forwarding to after my 2nd relationship. I had a short relationship with a girl I used to go to school with. When I'm able to reflect on my relationships post Erica, they were all me trying to get over her, but I never did. My 2nd relationship was one of the more clear indicators of my poor behavior of dealing with issues back then. With my 2nd relationship, it wasn't much longer after breaking up with Erica, that I hopped into that realationship. Around the whole break up with Erica, I was very angry and I wasn't receptive to her until around beginning to date my second girlfriend because I wanted to try and make her feel the pain I felt. I remember feeling down about it the whole time but putting on a front to everyone else like I didn't care and as if I was moving on fine. I jumped into that relationship so fast, I don't even think I ever took my second girlfriend on a date before declaring we were in a relationship. I may have not even taken the girl on a date during the short relationship. I remember Erica talking to me during that time because she never gave up on me despite the verbal abuse I dished out. I cursed her out and made up the worse things I could that I knew would cut deep and hurt her. I remember detailing "love" for some other girl that I really was just infatuated with. I even detailed things with my 2nd girlfriend in hopes to make her jealous. I'm embarrassed by those actions heavily. Going off the embarrassment sentiment, another tangent detail that built my critical realization was the moment, in my opinion, that was the beginning of the end between us. I blamed Erica for everything and felt hatred towards her for everything that transpired for me to break up with her. I had absolved myself at the time despite my actions that most embarrassing night. It was the first time I blacked out from drinking and my actions were terrible. At the time I felt like I should have been forgiven because I blacked out and all the blame should be placed on another individual but when I was able to reflect and put myself in Erica's shoes, my opinion changed. She stayed with me despite the horrific event. I couldn't imagine seeing her behave the way I did and show the same level of understanding and patience as she did with me. I for one had often shown my jealous ways throughout the relationship. Here I was being the one to shake up things despite promising to never be like any of the shitty guys of her past. Had I not blackout that night, maybe I would still be with her. So up til now in this timeline of things, Erica showed me how real her feelings for me where and how much more mature she was. I was clouded by anger and it took me awhile to see. She never gave up on me despite my verbal abuse and even before that and before the breakup, she showed patience with me. I carried on about things between us like it never happened and she was still dealing with the pain I imagine. To me, I didnt do my part at the time and I was the cause for things to get shaky between us. I forgive Erica for any wrong she did during the time and it is not anything I would hold over anymore if we were to get back together. I hope she can fully forgive me as well. Over the years Erica showed me the true nature of her love for me. Through it all she remained by my side whichever way she could. I made attempts to get her back ever since the ending of my 2nd relationship but she was being loyal to her new man. I continued to lust after women in my failures to bring Erica back by my side as my girlfriend. We maintained a good friendship over the years. I used to think we could never be friends if we broke up. I was thinking purely out of jealousy that I wouldnt be able to see her with another man and still think of her favorably. I still cant stand to see her with someone else but I was proven wrong bc I have the same love for her now and much more respect and admiration for her. A small side story I missed that also showed Erica's love for me, was her dropping off a birthday card to me on my car one morning. It caught me by complete surprise. It was definitely another eye opener moment that she still cared for me despite my wrongs. The strongest moment in our history which awakened more urgency in me to get her back by my side was the loss of my brother. The day it happened I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was awakened early in the morning to frantic knocks on my bedroom door. I was always a heavy sleeper and it wasn't the first time I slept through clear commotion of police at the front door. My sister was crying saying to come downstairs she thinks something happened to Krys. As I went downstairs I see my dad distraught trying his best to keep it together while clearly not present as the officers are talking to him repeating themselves. He had a blank look over himself. I asked my sister what happened and she said he died. I collapsed to that stairs in shock and sat there for a good few minutes completely lost. I came back to when my sister and mother went upstairs to my parents room. I followed up shortly after them and when I came to them they were crying in each others arms. They turned to me and collapsed in my arms. I held them for a good few minutes still in complete shock but able to notice they felt so light in my arms. My mom lifted up to go make phonecalls and my sister followed after. I dragged myself to my room and collapsed on the bed letting the tears soak my bed. There was a cold silence in the house when my tears stopped for a brief moment. Everyone of us was laying in our beds stuck in complete silence. I rolled over and reached for my phone and without a hesitation of thought I messaged Erica. The first person I could think of to reach out to in that moment was her. She came by to visit me in the coming days and she showed love and support during that incredibly difficult time. When I came to think of that moment after things calmed down, thats when I realized even more how I needed Erica back. Here she is still by my side, doing more than necessary. She even broke down about the tragedy. I had meaningless dating experiences post this period of time and ive shared my loss with all of them. None of them showed anywhere near the level of genuine care about it. They only ever said sorry about my loss. They didn't ask a lot about it nor see how I was holding up after it. Even my other ex-girlfriend before the incident and other female infatuations didnt show anywhere near the same care about it when they came to hear about it. This woman who dated me for 9 months and dealt with me in my worst behaviors was still here for me in more ways than I could have asked for over the years. She kept showing me the love I know I'll never find anywhere outside of my family. She was also the person I felt most comfortable with because I shared the most true feelings and parts of myself to her over the years. She always got me. The urgency to try and get her back in my life kicked in for me but it was still unattainable for me over the years. Every time I tried to get her back, things would go cold after awhile. It was hard to get her to come hangout with me and conversation would fizzle out. I felt like I was being a burden and adding stress each time so I would fall-back from the pursuit. I was hopeful because there was trouble between her and her boyfriend over the years, so I thought maybe one day she would be single and date me again. I thought that it was best for me to keep reaching out from time to time so she wouldn't forget me and fully go the distance with him. I didn't want to be the cause for them breaking up, if they would so happen to break up. I wanted her to come to the decision absent of me and feel more so done with that relationship and open to giving me another try. When you have a loss so close to you, you're consumed with death. It seems like it will be forever...I hope not. Everyday when I'm thinking about my brother, I'm thinking about everyone else left here close to me and how I don't want to lose them. I don't want to be angry at people anymore either. I don't want to lose Erica and I sure don't want to lose her or leave this world myself without having rekindled our relationship and showing her how much I love her. I also fear leaving this world with she and everyone else not knowing how much I love her. Another mistake from the time we dated is she never got to meet my family or many of my friends. I was scared my parents weren't accepting of interracial dating so when I told Erica about it, she was terrified to meet them and in turn she was never introduced to them in the light she should have been. Erica only ever met my brother. I one day, when the time is right, no matter how things turn out between us, I will tell my parents this is Erica, the woman who will forever have my heart. Venturing closer to recent times in my realization for the level of my love for Erica, it brings more detail of my dealings with girlfriends and dating. My 3rd and 4th girlfriends were pressed for relationship goals. They wanted to be married so bad that they were pressing to stay with me despite our differences. Erica was the only girl I felt truly liked me for me. All three exes post Erica were extremely distraught over me leaving them. #2 & #3 were to the level of suicidal. It bothered me greatly after #3's suicide attempts, it took me awhile to get back out there to feel available to date. I felt like there was something wrong with me that was doing this to women. Its not til after more dating pursuits and the 4th girlfriend that I truly realized the problem. I was wasting everyone's time all these years. I can not love another woman. All the women I have dated were at impossible odds. I measured them all up to Erica. None of them could come close to making me feel for them like I do for Erica. They have no chance. Its the most sure impossible thing in this world to me. I tried to front about it all these years. My third ex even pointed it out to me one time and I denied it in defense. We were friends for a short while after breaking up. I was mostly friends with her out of guilt because I felt terrible about wasting her time, leading her on and driving her to suicidal actions. She was always inquiring me about my dating life and this was the period of time I just couldn't find myself open to dating. She would insist I try finding someone saying I deserved to be happy. I happened to have been on one of the periods of me feeling hopeful for Erica again and I mentioned it to her. She kind of went off on me about it. She was like no wonder we didn't work. You're still in love with her and I never stood a chance. I denied it for her sake but I knew it was true. I was in a somewhat similar rut after my recent break up. I lacked hope for dating anyone and sure nuff finding love. In this time I was just reflecting a lot. Erica messaged me one day and it clicked to me. There isnt a single person that makes my heart jump when i see their name come across my phone. My heart dropped to a place I never felt before however, when I saw a picture she sent me. She sent me a picture of herself laying on the beach. I noticed a ring on her ring finger and I felt so broken at that moment. I congratulated and said congrats on being engaged. It's easy to portray that excitement in text. But in reality I was in the worst ways possible. Much to my surprise however she wasn't engaged and I was relieved. Everything I've been feeling over the years was all coming to a head. I can't live without her. If she does end up with someone else I won't ever be right. So after all of the pain I caused these women, I finally stopped fighting myself. I cant pretend like I will find another love. It doesn't add up to me. It is simply impossible. You can throw someone viewed by a strong percentage of other people to be beautiful at me, even perceived to be the most all around individual. They can not and will not be able to have me. Erica is the one for me.