#This isn’t meant to be in bad faith I’m genuinely wrestling with God here

[keow]

I know the theological explanation behind only men being priests. I just wonder why God designed the Church hierarchy to exclude women so efficiently unless He intended for women to be subservient to the teachings and guidance of men (who often preach that women obey their husbands and be good little wives at home rather than leading anything other than her children).

Surely there should have been a way for our all-knowing Creator to figure out how to give women an important role in Mass/the Church hierarchy that allows our voices to actually be heard, since we’re apparently equal in His eyes.

And yet there isn’t a real role for us. We aren’t heard and our thoughts have been considered illegitimate and irrelevant throughout Church history. But hey, at least the amount of women working in the Vatican has increased from 19.2% to 23.4% in the past decade. Maybe one day we’ll make it to 50%?

I love God but then I look at what is supposed to be a beacon of His Divine Truth, a safe haven away from the erring of the rest of the world, and find it incredibly discrediting. I would have intervened personally if I saw my Church was so full of terrible people who have apparently misinterpreted my message so badly.

Struggling with my faith because if the doctrines of the Church are true then that means God wants to condemn women to either a lifetime of suffering or an eternity of suffering if they go against it. Like tradcaths want to create a society where women are abused much more and men always get away with it. “That’s not what we believe! Abuse is bad!” But that type of society will always breed abuse because women won’t have the same freedoms and rights as men and those men will abuse that power. It happens in every “traditional”/conservative society even today.

So if that’s what God wants then that’s not a god I can believe in because that’s a god who delights in cruelty

[worddonor]

“No one cares about your shitty life.”

The above was a thought that popped into my head after checking the ‘gram for a bit earlier this evening.  It silenced all my thoughts and shut my inner voice straight up. More self-pity, woo-hooo! Mood-swing Monday.  Yeah!

Lovely.

This time it stung for some reason.  Me telling myself that that thought is just lies from the dark side didn’t ease the pain, because it felt true. That sentence hurt not just on the surface, but deep deep down because in that moment: I believed it with my whole heart.  Maybe my faith will get to the place where I believe what I hear in church every week, right now though I must be honest I know what I’m hearing and I’m singing the songs and voering the verses to my brain on repeat over and bladdie over, but reality is saying whether I live or die matters f*%@l.  I’m delusional.  God doesn’t exist.  The only person who will ever love me is me and the chances of that happening are slim to none because I can’t stand myself.  I’m a fool and the most loved, successful and impactful people to ever have lived (and who live now) and graced the Earth with their presence apart from Jesus himself didn’t share Bible verses on Facebook and Whatsapp (guilty as charged here).  They all have something in common and that more often than not, isn’t Jesus.  I know the path I’ve chosen, but my inner world is still all kinds of stuffed up and it feels like it’s getting more confused by the day – it’s being split into two: the believing, faithful, spirit-filled world and the doubtful, despairing, depressed world, both equally strong. The warring of the two wolves fighting over food: I feed the good wolf, but the bad wolf doesn’t relent, it fights tooth and nail for the food and ground it’s been inhabiting for most of my life up until now – plus it doesn’t need to expend much effort to pull me down to giving up all hope, all it needs is one dodgy thought like the one above.

 You might say, “My guy, why do you believe that thought?” Well, because if I look around me, everything proves it right.  Nothing can stand against that thought.

Except for God.

 By chance we ended up watching an Ariana Grande music special on TV and I thought to myself there’s this newish song of hers called “breathin’” that after hearing it play on local radio I grew to like it because it spoke to me on a subterranean level: even her, this massive pop star sometimes needs someone to tell her to ‘just keep breathing.’ She delivers the message so beautifully.  Have a listen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kN0iD0pI3o0

 Many people truly appreciate a message like that, especially in the times we find ourselves in.  I didn’t like her music at all at first, in fact she irritated the fudge out of me, but hearing this song and the other one that came after a man felt lower than low earlier in the year, I thought, “Hey, this lady’s onto something here...” Her voice is pretty amazing and the melodies or beats or whatever are quite mellow too, who woulda thunk it. This young lass with the long pony is doling out better therapy in a few minutes than most expensive ‘psychologists’ do in hours of flow questions and chatter. Lol.

 I don’t know man.  I cannot explain my kop right now.  I know the Lord is there working in my life and in the lives of people close to me – I’ve seen it and I cannot deny it.  I can’t.  Call me delusional.  It’s fine. I’ll be delusional for Jesus.  I do genuinely feel delusional for believing it because the success I see in the lives around me – those folk don’t acknowledge Jesus; it’s usually just a general love.  They’re making an impact, a real discernible impact.  Not like me and many of the ‘Christians’ I know.  The ones that DO acknowledge Jesus I’ve seen over and over are the most troubled and hypocritical and bitter people who expound on scripture, but struggle to keep to the principles of the Bible themselves and do, more often than not, use Christianity and God’s grace as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

It makes me sad, because I read about Jesus and about King David and Abraham and Noah – ouens with mad-man faith.  They put us modern okes to shame frankly.  The lives we live are pitiful...well let me rather say: MY life is pitiful when I read of what they did and the faith they had in the Almighty.  They had true, powerful faith.  When I think of one person who is genuinely effecting true change I think of Angus Buchan.  If everyone looked at him as an example of what Christian life is meant to look like – he is a contemporary example of ridiculous, shameless, unwavering faith. If you know his story then you’ll understand why, but even for those who don’t: just watch him live and you’ll get it.

When shitty thoughts pass through my mind in the state I am now, it’s tough for me to argue with them because they reinforce my current reality and these are thoughts that have been by my side for years even though my faith says to look beyond my current state, to fix my eyes on Jesus and believe in His promises.  At the moment though I won’t lie: I’m struggling.  But I’m being way more intentional about the company I keep and the choices I make even though it doesn’t take much to derail a man. On Saturday I wrote some inspired words down as I felt the holy spirit moving in amongst the bunch of people I spent time with the evening and I felt stronger than I have ever felt having been with other humans which was strange as I was my usual, quiet, shell-bound self (the words just didn’t flow again and I was mostly to one side picking up stompies, as they say, of other people’s conversations – pathetic).  I enjoyed myself in the spirit? Is that a thing? As I managed to be present with others in a loving environment mostly devoid of alcohol and even devoid of background music yet it was the most nourishing experience I’ve had in a long time and trust me: I LOVE music.  Even music though doesn’t feel like enough anymore. Weird.  Just weird.

 I’m going to stubbornly look on the bright side, why?  I have no bladdie clue.  Again, it must be the spirit in me – that amazingly optimistic holy spirit in me.  All I know is when I write words like these above I feel like I’m not trash (don’t get me wrong – I know in my head that God doesn’t make trash, but I’m trying to get that message through to my heart). For the moment: every single day I wake up, I give thanks to the Lord.  By the time I get home after a day of work, life has convinced me that nothing I do matters, nothing I say matters, who I am matters nothing to anyone truly, but when I focus on helping someone out or writing words down I feel like those particular things matter: I matter in those moments.

It’s a miracle I still have a job, I’m so average at it – I’m just good enough not to fire and just bad enough not to promote so I float on in my stagnant pool (I’m enjoying this pity party, can you tell? Don’t worry – I already know it’s all up to me to work hard and to negotiate for my own progress or find greener pastures where my unique ‘skills’ are appreciated.  No sarcasm here, straight up: I do know it’s my responsibility).

 Ok, enough Monday night RAW, no more wrestling.

 Do you know who does care about your shitty life? Do you? Do you want to guess? It’s the one who made you. Your manufacturer cares about you. Jesus cares about your life, every single moment of every single day of your ‘shitty’ life. ��People keep saying this, but it’s because it’s the only way to come close to fathoming the extent of His love for us: he knows the number of hairs on your head (Matthew 10:30).  He cares about your life which is why I know – even though the voices in my kop are loud – His name silences the loudest voice.

Give Him a chance.

I used to get so sad, clearly I still do get pretty sad, even to the point of sweating out of my eyeholes until they dry out, but I can truly say I feel a hope now underneath the sadness that permeates up into my conscious mind and says,

“It’s ok. Feel it. God still has a plan for you.  You might feel stupid and delusional for believing in Him, but look how far He’s brought you.  Go try everything else and see if any of it can sustain you like He can despite what you look like or feel like.  Go. I’ll wait.”

 So I continue to follow His voice, read scripture, worship, pray and focus on Him.  I will fall, granted – I fall over and over in a few minutes let alone the whole day, but I won’t stay still on the ground even though I look like I’m dead and buried from the outside.  Nah.  I’ll follow the Lord’s voice and my silly dreams until they are no longer dreams. You will too when you discover your manufacturer, your defender, your saviour and your father.  Give Him a chance, I promise you: you won’t regret it.

 Peace internets and remember: Jesus cares about every single little detail of your silly little life. If the creator of the universe cares about the smallest details of your life, how silly and how little can your life truly be in the grand scheme of things?  Just keep breathing as the ponytailed belter sings and keep listening for His voice, this is Him speaking to you.