#This is so sudden and spontaneous I’m kinda proud of myself lol

[shima-draws]

So uhh this was totally unplanned but apparently I’ll be posting a Tododeku Christmas oneshot tomorrow. It’s super fluffy. (Hastily and quickly written, but fluffy nonetheless.)

[powerranks]

Power Rankings, Week 7

I’m back, I have a few hours to kill since I get a late start at work tomorrow. I really am gonna try to be consistent, but Beshoy, Anthony, Dyl, and anyone who I’ve ever forgotten that has contributed to these can attest to how strangely long it takes. Anyways, the NFL is weird this year. Are the fucking Eagles the best team in the league? How weird is that to think about? There’s so much parity and we don’t know shit about most teams on a week to week basis, making fantasy all that much harder. It seems a new random player explodes for a shitload of points every week, players who weren’t previously consistent are all of a sudden consistent but we still don’t fully trust them because of their reputations (examples: Agholor, Hogan, Alex Smith). Five years ago, you had an extremely firm grasp on who was good and who wasn’t, and this year nobody has any idea. Not even....

Anthony

1. Scott’s Balls 12-4-16 (Anthony “all your players could die spontaneously, and whoever you play’s players will fumble one time then all die spontaneously” Mendola) (7-0) (LW: 1)

It’s just getting ridiculous. The only thing that’s cool for us is that two of the last three weeks, you’ve looked shockingly vulnerable. Last week you really only won because Amari Cooper turned into 2007 Randy Moss and because Bailey got hurt. I think some of the consistents on your team are strangely slowing down, even if it’s just slightly. Hunt has been 10 a week for quite some time now instead of the 30 point a game guy he was earlier in the year. Cam has looked absolutely awful for two straight weeks (even though he got 21 two weeks ago, you KNOW he didnt play anywhere near deserving that amount of points), Hogan is quite clearly touchdown dependent, you know you can’t trust cooper yet, and Ingram is at the very least losing some carries to Kamara. I’m not suggesting your team is bad, let’s just face the fact that you can’t possibly be as confident in your team as you were three weeks ago. I still think you win this week, because you yet again catch another break since this happens to be the fucking week you play...

Jack

2. Fournette About It (Jack “your team looks like this is a 4 man league” Cleek) (5-2) (LW: 2)

This is like if the Warriors and the Cavaliers played each other and Durant and Curry just decided to take the day off. It’s a damn shame that your ACTUAL two best players and the #2 kicker aren’t playing against that fucking piece of shit. But wow, if I were to bet on anyone winning the league right now, it’d be this team. You have absolutely zero holes. Nobody can even touch your RBs, even without Zeke. Brown-Diggs is the best duo of receivers anyone has, and I’m kicking myself for dropping Wentz. Dude is a fucking stud. This is by far and away the best team in the league, were it not for two close losses Anthony would be the clear second fiddle. Anthony literally agreed with this.

The “6 of us were within 9 points of each other this weekend and honestly I am real close to not assigning numbers and just writing shit about each team” Tier

fuck it, im making more tiers within the tier just to make it even more frustrating for myself

The “playing a slumping Chris and tony back to back really masks/is going to mask how much our teams are bad” Tier + beshoy

3. Scott’s Penis (David “I have never been less scared of a 4-3 team” Chinchilla) (LW: 4)

The only reason I’m here is because of upside? I’m currently texting Beshoy and he said I was a poor man’s Anthony and Jack. I think I’m more of a homeless man’s Anthony (not Jack, Jack is better) I have three (in theory) good RB’s, a good (can he keep it up?) QB, and serviceable but wildly under-performing WR’s. Other than two weeks where my team took a total shit, my team’s actually been pretty decent? It’s insane that that’s enough to put me at 3. It all comes with the caveat of the tier though, I’m smack dab in the middle of the least tough part of my schedule (No offense Scott/Chris/Tony this week). Probably gonna lose to Tony now for talking shit tbh. But hey, I have two straight weeks over 100 and that’s something to be proud of considering that nobody fucking scores in this league. 

Also pictured: Me, after trading AP for the number one Fantasy QB

4. Green Evans and Kam (Beshoy “I can’t stress how much I hate your team name because it’s an Alex team name” Halim) (3-4) (LW: 6)

Second unluckiest loser last week behind Scott imo but you have an argument to be first. So many things had to go wrong. But honestly, look at your starting lineup! It’s SO much better than I think you or anyone perceives it to be. Gordon-Kamara would start for pretty much any team outside of Jack, Anthony, and maybe me. AJ Green and Evans will combine for 35+ far more frequently than they combine for less than 20. ASJ is apparently Hunter Henry from last year. Your QB and flex spots are the only things that aren’t great, which is a huge bummer considering you should have Aaron Rodgers on your team. If you can stream properly and just figure out someone who can get you 8 a week in the flex, this team is WAY better than I thought it was until I looked into it. The way you sulk IRL made me think your team sucked but it really doesn’t.

5. 420 Blountz (Alex “I have never been less scared of a 5-2 team” Ahn) (5-2) (LW:10)

I mean...Beshoy was downright disrespectful for making you 10 but I also totally get his argument. Your team hasn’t played bad but like...this is a boom or bust team that thinks 95 is a boom. (my team is the same way tbh) Again, I wanna stress that your team hasn’t played that bad but you just went through the really soft part of your schedule (again no offense Tony/Chris/Scott) and the teams coming up are slightly tougher outs. You have better WR’s, but the difference between my team and yours here is that you have no RB’s. I don’t trust Jones yet, Blount has been meh for three straight weeks, Marshawn is honestly awful, and don’t @ me about literally any of your other rbs lol. I consider RB’s more consistent than WR’s and my RB’s are better than yours and that’s the difference here. But really we kinda have the exact same team, idk man someone just gift wrap the trophy to Jack or Anthony already it’s wild I can’t find consistently good things to say about the god damn 5th ranked team in my ranks.

Also pictured: Alex after getting Aaron Jones for the Matt Ryan regression year

The “this might be flipped if Gordon scored on one of his 4 chances from the 1 or if Elliott had made that FG” Tier

6. Anthony’s Golden Taint (Dylan “Legally change your name to Dyl already” Jessop) (4-3) (LW:5)

Jordan Reed’s creamy, chunky nut and Elliott reverse nutting into his own body saved your life Monday night. Let’s be real, you got super lucky. Anyways, I can’t really tell you where you’re good outside of Cousins and your WR’s. Your RB’s are wildly inconsistent (I really think Gilislee is droppable, and CJ is losing touches on a bad offense). You’re in bye week hell, but is it weird that I don’t think you got that much worse because of it? Nelson has to still figure it out with Hundley and Murray hasn’t been phenomenal anyways. Not having Engram REALLY hurts this team, which is honestly all I have to type to show how much you depend on a few dudes. 

7. Mixon It Up (Alec “Trading to make his team worse since 2kforever” Bernstein) (2-5) (LW:3)

I told Beshoy last week that I’d rank you super high as long as the points kept coming. I unfortunately was too busy to write rankings during your good weeks, but don’t think I didn’t notice the really nice run you had for about 4 weeks. Losing OBJ was a bummer, but giving Beshoy AJ Green and Kamara for peanuts was a really bad move. Fantasy Football is a stars game, not a depth game. Depth is nice, but who cares if your bench players do well if your starters aren’t being maximized? Green and Kamara would both start on your team RIGHT FUCKIN NOW. Obviously the trade would look a lot better if Rodgers hadn’t gotten hurt, but even with good Davante I think you lost the trade by a long shot. Martin has been slightly worse than Kamara, and nobody’s ever taking good Davante over AJ Green. I like your RB’s, I like your tight end, and I like Wilson as much as the next guy, but imagine the same team with AJ Green...

The 

Tier

8. Scott’s Jizz (Scott “I am so sorry” Felgenhauer) (3-4) (LW:7)

You were so close. You were supposed to be the chosen one. But Anthony called in another favor to the league office and injured Dan Bailey. Either way though, your team isn’t scary even a little bit, but it has some sort of retard strength. It’s like a poor man’s version of Dylan’s team, Good QB, good receivers. Unfortunately, there is zero semblance of a flex and your RB’s are somehow worse than his. I’ve doubted you most of the year, and you usually pull out a win after I doubt you, but I can’t have faith in a team starting Powell and James White on a weekly basis. I just can’t. You need to trade Kelce or Ertz and make sure you get a RB back somehow. 

The Unlucky Bottom Bois

9. Hammer (Tony “I still think he’ll be back somehow” Mendola) (1-6) (LW:9)

It’s just been the year from hell, Tony. You’ve outscored most of us this year but you can’t seem to catch a break. Your team isn’t bad, it just has consistently underperformed. Brady is good, Freeman is good, Jarvis Landry will be better with Matt Moore, but Hilton is good when Luck is in, and Luck may not play. McCaffrey has underwhelmed. Fitz is only good with Palmer, not Stanton. Tight end is a mess on this team. I think you’re more than capable of winning most of your games from here on out, but it may not be enough. I hope it does turn around, you cheering out at the bar is one of the more fun things to watch. Just start doing it next week. 

10. Smallerwood (Chris “Matt Bryant was a microcosm like Beshoy said” Gatzow) (1-6) (LW:9)

Much like Tony, this team is good it just underperforms almost every week. Brees-Howard-Julio-Baldwin is a KILLER top 4. Delanie Walker is a great TE. Only Brees and Howard have lived up to their name. The falcons are singlehandedly killing Julio, I really don’t get why he’s not doing better than he is. The Matt Ryan regression tour bus has apparently picked up Julio. Baldwin is historically a second half player, so he could turn around, but it may all be too late. It doesn’t help that you have no flex. Coleman should be startable weekly, but there’s nobody else serviceable here. I hope Montgomery comes back and outperforms Jones for your sake. I really thought your team was the best team before the season and after Week 1, it’s just been the worst possible scenario.

PICKS

Hammer (Tony) over Scott’s Penis (David)[upset special on my own dam self bb]

Scott’s Balls 12-4-16 (Anthony) over Fournette About It (Jack)

Smallerwood (Chris) over Scott’s Jizz (Scott)

Anthony’s Golden Taint (Dyl) over Mixon It Up (Alec)

Green Evans and Ham (Shoy) over 420 Blountz (Alex)

Last Week: 3-2

Season: not even sure anymore