#This fish man makes me gay which seems impossible because I’m lesbian but also don’t ask questions

[ghostsandfools]

I hope when I die and go to the afterlife irl, I’m greeted by a big hot fish man saying “you didn’t get far enough in to meet me, it seems.”

[pentanguine]

1. Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?

So…I got a little carried away. Most of these posts will not be this long, but I had a lot I wanted to say, and a long drizzly afternoon to work on saying it, so.

Aside from genderqueer, trans, and nonbinary…

I’ve started feeling more at home with the word transmasculine this year, after several years of circling it warily and ultimately running away because it would just be ALL TOO SHOCKING. Other people interpret transmasculine in a wide variety of ways, many of which make me deeply uncomfortable (eg “Transmasc = physically transitioning in all the same ways trans men usually do;” “Transmasc = trans man but woke about it;” “Transmasc = I have aligned myself against women and forsaken feminism and I love asserting my dominant gender role”), and voluntarily using a word that’s ripe for misinterpretation made my control-obsessed brain fuck right off.

But ultimately it’s not really about using words (what does that even mean? putting them in your tumblr bio? buying the pride flag?) so much as knowing, however privately, that you are a thing. And I’m transmasculine! It’s a word that feels comfortable, and homey, and exciting. Other people who use that word sound like me! They look like me, and they look how I want to look! I get such a blooming, leaping, light-filled feeling in my chest when I see these people, because I instinctively feel that these are People Like Me. I recognize myself in their experiences of gender, and sometimes I feel like my whole body’s going to shake apart with a euphoria that’s like being on fire. Every time I read something by Daniel M. Lavery I end up rolling around on the floor in paroxysms of delight and Feeling Seen, and my brain lights up like a fireworks display when I see awkward bi men with curly brown hair and glasses. There is still a little part of my brain that’s convinced referring to myself as transmasc will make everyone deeply disappointed in me, and obligate me to go out and befriend a footballer named Chad, but I’ve been casually referring to myself that way since May in semi-public venues and the sky hasn’t fallen in yet.

Transmasc feels like a useful word for me because it makes me feel more settled. I think a lot of times nonbinary gender is simplified to gender neutrality (which it is for some people!), while for me it’s more like a stewing mess full of things that don’t make coherent sense in anyone’s mind but my own. So I can like masculine words and gender presentations, and that doesn’t mean I’m equating neutrality with masculinity, and I can also express my gender in the numerous non-masc ways that feel natural to me while still having that anchor to come back to. Ultimately, I think it just means that I have a more meaningful relationship with masculinity than I have with femininity, neutrality, or androgyny, and that I’m deliberately moving in a more masc-coded direction that the one I started out. And that’s it!

--

The other big gender-conceptualization-thing that I’ve been thinking a lot about is the complicated muddle of doubleness and inversion that I feel between gender identity, gender presentation, sexuality, and gender expression. I don’t feel bigender, because that sounds like I have two discrete gender experiences sitting side by side, and I’m not genderfluid, because it’s not like my gender actually changes, but I do feel like I’m part woman-affiliated agender person, and part genderqueer guy with the genderqueer dialed up to eleven and the guy dialed down to two. Part of me feels apart from gender, but nebulously attached to queer ideas of womanhood (lesbian! spinster! middle school girl at a sleepover who promises to love her friends more than any passing crush!), and then part of me feels apart from gender, but like I picked Guy Gender to steal for myself and imitate and relentlessly queer by virtue of not taking it seriously enough. But it’s all mixed together, you know? Like paint swirling on a palette, or light bringing out iridescence on fish scales. Sometimes it will be more like one thing, sometimes more like another, but it’s always whole and completely intertwined.

Earlier this year a Miriam Zoila Perez quote about being a faggy butch was going around, and man, that gave me a lot of gender feelings. I first encountered the term fairy butch on this old blog called The Butchelor, and while I loved it then, I didn’t use it because of a radfem-induced trepidation that it was all an elaborate joke everyone understood but me. I also have an extremely annoyed relationship to the word butch, because I’m not butch at all, and I doubt anyone else would think I am, but this seems to be the only word anyone is capable of using to describe queer masculinity. It’s like other people are determined to smash you into yet another binary (ironically, a binary that’s jealously guarded by the same people who keep enfolding you in it) because you’re afab and like wearing ties. It’s annoying!

But the phrase fairy butch just seems so delightful to me, because it’s whimsical and complex, and also so genderfucky. I’m not masculine in any of the ways that usually cohere to the word butch—I don’t have the interests, or the mannerisms, or the sexual propensities or the haircut or the total dislike for anything feminine-coded (why is masculinity always all or nothing, and all about absence?). I love my socks with the sparkly pink foxgloves, I love smiling (why must men never smile?), I like sitting with my legs crossed and talking with my hands. I’m not feminine, I’m effeminate. I’m a double invert, gay for women and gay for men, a too-boyish-“woman” who doubles right back around as a too-feminine-“man.” Maybe I’m not a butch, or even a (faggy) butch, but dammit I’m a fairy/butch. Two queers in one, two inextricable, contradicting queernesses that complicate and complement and mitigate and enhance each other.

--

The idea that I’ve been slowly winding towards is that contradiction is part of my gender. It’s not something that’s going to get smoothed out one day when I find The Perfect Word, and the questioning and revisiting isn’t going to end when I reach The Final Stage of Transition or whatever. I read an article a few weeks ago that nebulously cited Jack Halberstam as saying “refusal to resolve my gender ambiguity has become a kind of identity for me,” and that’s something that resonates with me so, so much. I don’t have to make myself neat and appropriate for consumption, because my gender doesn’t exist at the mercy of other people’s understanding. I’m not a problem that has yet to be shoved into a “woman-aligned” or “nonvir” box, I just am. Sitting amidst the dissonance of things that other people tell me are impossible to feel at the same time is my identity. I never want to cohere.

It reminds me of the way I feel about historical figures like Katharine Hepburn and Daphne DuMaurier, who were definitely genderqueer as fuck, but also closeted to the outside world for their entire lives, and unclassifiable in modern terminology. They were real, complex people who existed, and are now gone! It would be really weird to assign them a coherent identity, like “Hepburn was a nonbinary trans man” or “DuMaurier was genderfluid” or what-have-you, when all you have are decontextualized fragments of their gender feelings. (I feel comfortable calling them genderqueer because that can be used as an adjective to describe cis people who queer gender, which they definitely did)

Anyway: I feel very deeply connected to these people, and the way they saw themselves as being boys, or like-men, or men-in-certain-contexts, or men-and-women, or women-who-wanted-to-be-men. But the thing is, wherever they may have wanted to go, they never arrived. Would Hepburn have preferred to be known professionally as Jimmy, gone by he/him pronouns in all areas of life, and identified as a proud trans man? Barring some spectacular archival discovery, we’ll never know, because that was never a viable option in Hepburn’s lifetime. And that space of possibly-wanting, but not-arriving, feels like a destination to me. That gap, between wanting and actualization, or fantasizing and pursuing, or playing around and Identifying As, feels like it is part of my experience of gender. I’m not a man, I’m a woman-who-wants-to-be-a-man. There has to be that distance, and that wanting.

I’ve gone on for an absurd amount of time here, but ultimately: I’m queer! My gender is queer! Some people are men, some people are women, and I’m a queer.

[tessatechaitea]

Teen Titans #6

Nobody wants Aqualad on the team. NOBODY!

I guess whoever escaped was in prison for fucking puppies and butterflies.

The Review! The issue begins with Damian watching a news report about the escaped convicts. The report immediately goes from the convicts to shark attacks being up four hundred percent. So that means there have been, like, four shark attacks this year? I suppose there could be more if she's just talking about shark attacks in general along the entire coast of California. But I'm assuming she specifically means the Bay Area. Why would the Teen Titans care if people were being eaten by sharks in San Diego? That's not their territory! Let Animal Man take care of that shit. Anyway, that probably means the shark attacks and the prison break have more in common than anybody suspects. Was King Shark ever arrested for fucking puppies and butterflies? Damian is spending quality time with Goliath because, in comic book terms, Goliath isn't a boring pet. I'd like to see Damian have some loving interactions with Batcow. I'm beginning to think he takes Batcow for granted.

If Benjamin Percy hadn't written so many comic books about how racism is bad, I might look side-eye at that "yo."

Remember how Vibe was written in the eighties? Sometimes white male writers trying to write an authentic minority character stray a little too far into the field of stereotypes. Unless Percy just thinks adding "yo" to the end of a statement is just how young people speak. I can accept that. What I can't accept is that he wants to try to capture how young people speak. It's impossible! It's so unauthentic in so many ways that you'd be better off not to bother. Using terms to identify with a particular group isn't the sole territory of young people, of course. Everybody does it to prove their in-group credentials. I mean, I don't, of course! I'm so unique, I make up my own words! That's probably why nobody can fucking understand my intelligent and wise digressions.

Is throwing up in my mouth due to the phrase "mouth orgasm" a mouth orgasm? Because if it is, I am spent.

Beast Boy serves a vegetarian meal because it's his turn to cook. Everybody disrespects his decision and Wally runs off to steal some pizzas. What a bunch of assholes. It's one night per week! Fucking respect Beast Boy's dietary choices! Granted, his tofu platter might be terrible. But it isn't terrible simply because it's tofu. Nobody even tastes it to see if it's any good! It looks like deep fried tofu chunks in some kind of curry sauce. And if that's what it is, I'll have seconds! After my mouth wakes up from the nap caused by the orgasm. After lunch, Titans Island is invaded by a reporter seeking a totally non-hit piece about the new group of heroes bringing serious danger to San Francisco residents while selfishly blocking those residents' ocean view. I hope she makes them look terrible! Her name is Bonnie Chung and she's probably a devotee of Brother Blood. That's how things work in Teen Titans comic books, right?! Bonnie, live on the air, calls the West Coast "the Best Coast." She also says the Teen Titans tower is "the freshest, hottest, superhero pad on the planet." She must be the member of staff who does the local fluff pieces to make it seem like their city is the most exciting city to live in. Also, she might be a fraud because she works for KARE Channel 7. Excuse me, comic book. But I grew up in the Bay Area and Channel 7 is KGO. This comic book is so unrealistic. Beast Boy gives Bonnie a tour of Titans Tower while proving he's a lech and an asshole who can't go two minutes without sexually harassing a female member of the team or humiliating a male member. Some people reading might think he's hilarious. But then those people don't have to live with him. I wonder how many pairs of Raven's panties he has hidden under his mattress? I was going to say "Starfire's panties" but I doubt she wears them. Also, panties. That word is almost as ludicrous as finger-banging and lovemaking. Meanwhile in landlocked New Mexico, Aqualad is fucking with his poor fish! He's all, "I have power over you! Ah ha ha ha! Bend to my will!" Also, his name is Jackson Hyde. That has to be one of the most dangerous last names. How many Hydes die each year when a maniac or tiger is running loose on the streets and somebody yells, "Hide! Hide!" Everybody hides but the Hyde is all, "Yeah? What dude?", as he casually turns and gets brutally devoured or chopped up, respectively. I mean, non-respectively, unless the maniac is a cannibal and the tiger has carving knives tied to its paws.

He's trying hard to be different because he's a teenager! Duh!

So Aqualad is gay. The above panel is the third panel after he's been introduced. You have to get that sexuality thing out there as quickly as possible before all the heteros start believing the character is one of them by default. Percy's reveal here is as good a way to do it as I've seen even if the writer part of me always bristles at the way sexuality has to be mentioned as quickly as possible. Since it's an unseen component of a person's make-up, it obviously needs to be mentioned to be known. Remember, there were decades and decades of comic books where gay characters just didn't exist and gay fans just had to read into every detail as best they could to find a hero they could point to and say, "See? Totally gay!" If sexuality isn't mentioned, the status quo will assume heterosexuality. At some point in the future, writers will be able to introduce a team of young superheroes without instantly calling out which ones like to fuck which other ones and people reading won't automatically assume they're all hetero. It'll be a much more exciting time of fan speculation and intrigue because non-hetero sexuality won't be taboo; it will just be accepted. Until then, just get used to somebody pointing out that a character isn't heterosexual as quickly as possible. Look, there's still some mystery to what Aqualad's penis is up to. He might also like to fuck women! And fish!

How about keeping him safe by backing his play and flipping the fuck out on anybody who disrespects him rather than trying to convince him to not be the best Jackson Hyde he can be? Which — let's face it — isn't going to be that great considering he's Aqualad.

Meanwhile back at the interview slash tour, Bonnie Chung is all, "This was a great interview. It's totes going to go viral! You're going to be so famous!" Then she disappears into the Bay, hopefully to never be seen again because she's been eaten by a shark. Oh, that interruption didn't last long. And I guess Beast Boy didn't care that Bonnie disappeared under the water because the scene shifts back to New Mexico where Aqualad is already talking about the Teen Titans tour video that went viral (I guess KARE didn't really care either? They have a whole hour between five and six that they need to fill!). Some hero Beast Boy turned out to be! Did he forget he could have turned into a penguin and followed after her? Sure, he didn't see her disappear under the water. But he did see her scarf lying on the water. He couldn't even bother to investigate? So back in New Mexico where Aqualad has seen the viral video and is all jazzed about maybe being a Teen Titan, he decides to show his boyfriend his powers. His boyfriend decides to treat Aqualad like a pariah because why not? The guy is already dating a dark skinned gay guy with weird mutant tattoos. You can't expect him to accept much more than that! He's all, "Dude! I know we were just talking about how my dad doesn't accept me for who I am and how it sucks but, um, you know what? I can't accept you for who you are, freak!" Aqualad decides to move to San Francisco. That's like Mecca for gays! I hope that wasn't disrespectful to Mecca and/or fucking other guys in the ass! I bet the main people I offended with that last sentence were lesbians because I didn't account for them with that whole fucking other guys in the ass thing. But adding something more would have ruined the flow of that super intelligent and wise statement! Meanwhile, the Teen Titans are attacked by King Shark. He must want Beast Boy so he can ask him to turn into a puppy or a butterfly. The Ranking! No change! This has all the aspects of Teen Titans comic books that drive me completely crazy. That being said, it's one of the better incarnations so far!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #56

“no doubt about it, i got a bad, bad girlfriend.”

who was the last male you hung out with?   we didn't really "hang out," but i was around bradley, colleen's husband.  the last male i really did "hang out" with was my friend girt months ago. who is your favorite person to text?   colleen when’s the last time you talked to the person you like?   the last time i talked and he responded, via battle.net because we were both online.  i asked him how school was going and such, despite in his responses it being obvious he didn't want to talk.  last time i "talked" to him without his input in the conversation was when i wrote him a ten-page letter i've yet to mail him. who did you last take a picture with?   colleen, chelsea, and mom. do you and your best friend ever fight?   yes.  we're in a fight now, actually.  we're both very opinionated people and also very different, so. is there someone who can make you laugh no matter what?   fucking jason.  i would be crying and he could still make me laugh. has anyone ever mistaken you for being gay/lesbian/bi?   yes.  more than once.  lmao at the store the other day, colleen ran into her preacher, and i was with her.  it was kinda obvious he thought we were a couple. explain why you last threw up?   had a baaaad stomach bug. ever kissed your best friend's significant other?   definitely not! do you like the person you are becoming?   no.  more than anything, my happiness should NOT be so dependent on a man who doesn't even care about me. do you have anything embarrassing/sexual in your room?   i do not. know anyone who has a pet gecko?   my former best friend summer and my acquaintance caleb. do you like eating soup in the winter?   i don't like soup period. do you like getting jewelry or do you not wear any?   sure! when you were in high school did you ever have bomb threats?   once because a kid my sister knew was stupid as fuck. did/do you get school cancellations because of snow?   dude, we got cancellations if there was a chance of an inch of snow. who knows ALL of your secrets?   jason is the only one, actually.  i've literally told him everything. what does your typical outfit look like?   yoga/sweatpants, graphic tee. did you have a job before you were in college?   no, actually. do you think hunting is wrong? if so, why?   for purely sport, kinda.  just killing for fun doesn't seem right in the slightest?  if you're in a survival situation or if you actually do eat what you kill, sure, hunt. have you ever thought about what it would be like to have a baby right now?   not in-depth, no.  it'd be... very hard.  well first off, it'd be impossible for me to get pregnant, but let's just say i somehow did.  i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be a "bad" mom, but an insufficient one.  i'm pretty severely mentally ill and very unstable right now, and a child's malleable mind doesn't need to be exposed to that, especially when it's his/her mother.  i also do not want to bring a child into this world when (s)he wouldn't have a father figure.  fathers are just as important as mothers, imo, and a baby should be raised with both parents.  the last thing a child needs is just a sick mother.  despite the obvious issues though, holy hell would i do everything for that baby. do you have a sensitive gag reflex?   VERY.  i can't even put those things in my mouth at the dentist for when you get x-rays without a massive struggle.  i usually have the get the kid ones. what was the last situation to upset you?   colleen said something very ignorant. have you ever had an online argument?   waaaaay more than one.  i've been around the internet since what, 2007?  i've had plenty. do any of your friends know you fill out surveys?   online friends, sure, real life friends, not on tumblr, no.  i occasionally/very rarely post a survey in facebook notes, so my friends obviously know, but they haven't seen even a microscopic quarter of the surveys i've done.  i'm not entirely... against the idea, but like, i'd only ever maybe admit to colleen i have a survey blog. how do you typically style your hair? does it take long?   no, because it's too thick for me personally to style.  i would kill to have the emo/scene/whatever you call it hair, but my hair just doesn't work with me. when were you last offered something illegal?   never, i think. what are you most confident about? most insecure about?   uhhh.  i mean, i guess my knowledge about meerkats is what i'm most confident about?  most insecure about, my stomach. when are you most likely to say something you don’t mean?   if you bring up jason. where’s the best place to get your favorite dish?   my favorite dish ever is spicy shrimp fritas, which i get from olive garden. can you play guitar hero?   yeah.  i used to play almost everything on expert and sometimes get 100%, but now i play mostly on hard and a select few on expert. if you could move somewhere else, would you?   yeah, closer to the mountains on the western side of the state. how many months until your birthday?   less than one! do you want your tongue pierced?   yes, i want the snake eyes tongue piercing. who was the last person to disappoint you?   colleen are you emotionally strong?   i honestly do not know?  like i tell myself i wouldn't be alive otherwise, but simultaneously, i feel that if i was strong, so many things wouldn't bother me. you think ‘I love you’ are strong words?   they were enough to ruin my life, so. on grand theft auto, do you just kill people or actually do the missions?   i've never played it before, but i think i'd do the missions, since i play games to beat them. have you ever been to australia?   no, but i'd kinda like to to meet my friend shay.  i'm just scared of all the venomous shit they have, especially the spiders. do you watch adult swim?   no.  half the shit on there was immaculately immature the last time i saw it, anyway. do you have a favorite pair of underwear?   i only have one pair because i never wear underwear unless there's an occasion i need to, and they're pink and black and lacy. what is your dad’s occupation?   he's been a mailman for years and actually likes it. have you ever seen a baby snake?   no, actually.  i mean on television and stuff, sure, but not in real life. do you own any band tees?   plenty.  big part of my wardrobe. do you think they really landed on the moon, or it was fake?   i've seen like all the evidence that it may have been faked, and i believe it's a possibility it was, but in general, i believe that we truly did land on the moon, despite some of the oddities. do you feel embarrassed to listen to music you love out loud around other people?   no no no no no!!  that's like, probably the only think about me i'm proud of revealing!! does your shower have a glass screen or a curtain?   curtain when is the last time you sat around a campfire?   years ago in new york. do you have a back-up career choice? what is it?   not really, honestly...  i mean my dream job is to be a meerkat biologist, but i'm not moving to africa, so that just won't happen.  the only thing i want to do is be a photographer. are men more attractive with longer or shorter hair?   i mean, it really depends on the man, but in general, i like longer hair. is there a name that you hear and cringe?   rachel. what was the last computer game you played?   world of warcraft, before my computer decided "hey let's keep restarting."  i was about to get the long-forgotten hippogryph too, and i'm still salty about it. what would you say is your guiltiest pleasure?   world of warcraft, again, and idk why.  like there's nothing to be ashamed of, yet i am.  like even when i get my computer fixed, i'm contemplating just not getting back into it to avoid the feeling of embarrassment. do you let your pets on your furniture?   yes, because they live here??? can you usually tell when someone has feelings for you?   with my history of thinking aaron liked me and believing jason would ask me out, i guess. what is your favorite thing to cook for someone else?   the only thing i can really cook are some yummy scrambled eggs, with hot sauce. have you ever bought underwear simply because it made your underwear drawer look nice?   no? how do you feel about kettle cooked chips?  GROSS would you ever consider visiting texas?   if my former best friend mini would talk to me again, sure.  i'd love to visit her. who was the last person to turn you on?   jason was good at that. what are your views on the death penalty?   it is only for the coldest, hardest criminals where there is no doubt they committed the crime.  some people just don't change and do deserve to die, imo. is the music you listen to 'weird’?   i'm sure some people consider it such. have you ever played an instrument?    i played flute all through middle and high schools are fingerless gloves awesome?   sure, i have some from high school. do you fit any stereotypes?   possibly.  after all, the definition of certain stereotypes vary very slightly from person-to-person.  i guess i fit both geek and emo in some ways. does your best friend have a driver’s license?   yeah. what size drink do you usually get at fast food restaurants?   medium. do you have underwear from victoria’s secret?   i do not. do you want a relationship?   i mean, yeah, i guess.  i'm dangerously lonely and after dating jason, i know how good relationships feel.  but i don't want to rush anything. are you uncomfortable staring into someone’s eyes who you like?   no.  i could stare into jason's forever. who was the first person you talked to today?   via the internet, ummm i think it was shaylee.  in real life, nicole, my little sister. honestly! do you think you’re better than anyone else?   not at all.  god told us we're equal, that's why. do you have any fish as pets?   no.  i'd really like a big saltwater tank, though. when was the last time you slept in your parents' bedroom?   well, my parents have been divorced for years now, and mom doesn't currently have a room, she sleeps on the couch and i sleep in her old room, so i really don't know. do you like channing tatum?   i think he's physically attractive, but that's it. do you have a common first name?   very. who/what is one person/thing that had the biggest impact on your life?   jason. what is the most pointless movie that you have ever seen? did you like it?   "the purge," because the whole basis of the story was just... stupid?  like, WHY to begin with would it ever be legally allowed to purge?  the whole idea was just stupid.  the movie itself was okay in general though. who is the most important person in your life right now?   i'm trying to make it me. have you ever had a crush on someone of the same gender as you?   nope. who did you last talk to about the person you love?   mom, i think. who was the last person you sat next to on a bus?   i haven't been on a bus since high school.  but i always sat with jason. do you carry photos in your wallet?   i'm pretty sure i have a picture on nicole somewhere in there. the last time you had sex, was it in their bed or yours?   i've never had sex, but the last time i did something sexual, it was probably his bed. is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?   i don't "think" it, i know it. has anyone ever drunk called/texted you?   nope. name two of your favorite colors.   maroon, pink. do you want to get married?   i do. are you afraid of roller coasters?   yes, i am. what colors would you like to have at your wedding?   i've actually considered many combinations.  think i'll wait for my spouse's opinion 'til i really decide. tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?   he was so, so unique.  strange.  different.  maddeningly bizarre.  and, he cared.  he approached me while i was pushing everyone away, and i just couldn't shove him, too.  he wanted to know aaaall about me, and he seemed to like everything he heard...  he backed me into a corner where i couldn't escape him, yet i wasn't afraid.  now i'm damned for it. what was the last reason you cried?   i missed jason. last person to tell you i love you?   my mama what do you think your ex would say about you?   "she's my psycho ex." think of your last kiss….was it cute?   i don't remember my last kiss, because i didn't think it'd be the last.  i was so blissfully ignorant.  i was suspicious that something was wrong with jason, but... i never thought he'd leave.  i mean don't get me wrong, every kiss we had was precious, but it was at the same time just another kiss. have you ever played golf?   i've played putt-putt, but not golf. what was the last tv show you watched an episode of?   probably something at colleen's, idk. do you like beer? if so, what's your favorite brand?   never tried it, but i know it stinks to high heaven. how often do you update your facebook status?   i never update my status unless something quite big happens.  i only ever share funny pictures/posts or stuff i heavily relate to/agree with. do you feel bad when you throw food out?   it's not something i think about all the time, but i do, because i know some people have much less than i. when was the last time you waxed anything on your body, if ever?   months ago when i had my eyebrows done.  i want to go more regularly, it's just a money thing. what is your favorite video game?   "silent hill 2" would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? what would you have done?   i don't think so. do you like shrimp?   eh, usually. have you ever been in a car accident?   i have. who is your favorite superhero?   batman. what is your favorite fruit flavored soda [grape, strawberry, orange, etc]?   strawberry have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed?   pleeeenty of times. would you ever be a stripper?   hell no. your ex is walking next to you, with their new partner, what do you do?   fucking kill her. do you have a hard time letting go?   i probably have a harder time letting go than anybody on the planet. is the last person you kissed a virgin?   nope.  he's had sex with rachel, and i'm sure he's fucked ashley by now.  can't wait 'til he breaks her heart, too. have you ever cried uncontrollably on a boy’s shoulder before?   more than once. how many times have you changed a diaper in your life?   literally only once what do you think makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend?   i'm passionate and loyal as fuck. did you ever go to a mental hospital?   four or five times, the numbers are honestly starting to blur. does your mom/dad smoke?   dad does. how old are you?   i'll be 21 in a few weeks. did an old person ever hit on you?   yes, and it was fucking terrifying. do you believe that weed should be legalized?   no, honestly. do you like apple jacks?   yes! Are you afraid of the dark?   nah. would you say your taste in music is in a very broad spectrum?   no, honestly.  i'm very limited in the type of music i enjoy. are you a moaner, a screamer, or totally silent?   ... i'm going to pretend the fact this is on a survey doesn't bother me and just answer it.  i tend to moan and gasp a lot.  i've wanted to scream before, but haven't. what’s your middle name?   marie have you ever written or received a suicide note?   no, but more than once have i almost written one. ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing?   no. have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/​​​girlfriend?​​​   no, and i wouldn't unless it was jason and he was the one trying to kiss me. ever made out in a pool?   no, but we might as well have that one time. do you have a pool?   no, we had to sell ours for the money. are you an emotional person?   too emotional anybody ever tell you that “you could do so much better” about a person?   literally everyone tells me that?? how many full biological siblings do you have?   full-blooded?  just two. what is something you currently need to buy?
   new tank tops for bed, badly. the last person you kissed asks you to marry him/her. how do you react?   HA.  no.  apologize to me, number one, and fucking prove to me you won't leave again. do you wear hair extensions?
   no, because i don't need them. how old were you when you started puberty?   i have no memory of when i started. if you could have any magical power, what would you have?   shape-shifting, i think. do you believe in love at first site?   absolutely not. let’s say your dad came in your room one day and told you that you had to get married in the next week but you can pick the person but you have to stay with them for the rest of your life no getting out of it, who would you pick?   "no getting out of it" my ass, i'd get out of it.  he can disown my ass, whatever, i don't care.  i take marriage way more seriously than that. if you could be the lead role in any movie, what would it be?   honestly, i'd want to play a person driven crazy by events in her life.  because same fam. when eating something are you more concerned with taste or nutrition?   taste, honestly. what gender do you identify with?   female, because i have a vagina.  yes, i'm conservative about this matter.  fight me m8. are you more of a science or math person?   science, easily. what are your opinions on abortion?   i'm viciously pro-life. if you identify as a girl, would you ever consider getting a pixie cut?   no.  please do not misunderstand this: i have no problem with bigger people, but generally, i find pixie cuts to look bad on bigger women like me. are you a metalhead?   hell to the fuck yeah. do you even listen to metal?   it's like... all i listen to. do you know anybody who is a wiccan or pagan?   i'm pretty sure i know two or three wiccans do you watch supernatural?   i don't anymore, 'cuz it's a ptsd trigger.  it was the first show jason and i binge-watched together.  stopped at the sixth season, i think.  it's a really good show and i love it, i just tried to watch it one day, and i can't without him. what’s your favorite character in your favorite tv show?   i'd say my overall favorite show is "fullmetal alchemist," so hmmm... shit man, i'm having a difficult time remembering all the characters.  i feel like i really liked one of the seven deadly sins, i think it was greed?  no... maybe envy?  envy!  the one i misgendered, lmao.  i really like them. are you diabetic?   i am not, but it runs in the family, so... where is the majority of your family from?   mom's side, new york, dad's side, michigan. last person you slept in the same bed with?   chelsea hate someone, who?   i try so hard not to, but i'm pretty sure the feelings i have towards jason's current girlfriend is hatred. when was your first kiss?   hmmmm.  maybe like, may-ish four years ago? do you carry a purse?   yeah. would you ever name a kid damien?   it's a decent name, but no. bats are not spooky or are they?   no no no, they're so precious!!  especially flying foxes!! do you like listening to new music, or just sticking to your favorites?   both.  depends on the mood. are you one of those people who can eat anything and not gain a pound?   fuck no.  i'm the person who looks at cake and gains 10 pounds. do you like hot dogs?   i do, i just don't think of how they're made. do you watch american horror story?   again, i used to, but don't anymore due to it being a ptsd trigger.  we watched the first season and most of the second together. do you have sensitive teeth?   no would you date someone you had a 16 year age gap with?   NO what is your sexuality?   heterosexual, some asexual traits do you think suits are sexy?   kill me yes fucking christ do you think earrings are attractive or unattractive on guys?   ehhhh, i'm kinda neutral with guys and earrings. would you ever have a threesome with your friend and their bf/gf?   fuck no.  so sorry to offend, but you don't fucking love your significant other if you're comfortable fucking someone else with them.  i'd lecture the heavens out of my friend if they suggested that. have you ever kissed just a friend?   on the cheek, yes. what was the last graduation you attended?   my little sister's have you ever pole danced before?   nope. have you ever broken into someone’s house?   wtf, no. would you ever kiss your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend?   no, because i have respect for their relationship and i don't "like" her husband like that. have you ever seen a live bat?   hmmm, i may have at the zoo, but otherwise, i'm not sure!