#Thinking about how Ted probably clings onto the fact that someone did love him- even if it was a diffrent version of it. It was still him

[yourlocalabomination]

Song - Taking What’s Not Yours by Tv Girl.

(I learnt my lesson from last time so here’s the animated version in the original post)

[magesup]

Hey I really love all of your csm arts!! Especially your AkiAngel works 🥺🥺 I really love them and I’d like to ask what made YOU ship them just as much? 🥺💖

thank you so much OTLLL!!! and ahaha when i first read csm for some reason i didnt ship them??? i know. eyes blind 🙈 even though they had SO...many special moments with eachother i just didnt put them together OTL 

but!!! one day i was scrolling through the csm tag on here and saw @liuraes akiangel art, specifically this one: https://liurae.tumblr.com/post/638500690110644224/dont-ask-me-how-he-manages-to-hold-the-cling-wrap

and it felt like my third eye opened 👁 all of a sudden i was like 0_O and went oh my god.....how did i not put these two together at first OTL and then i went onto ao3 and bingeread all the fics on there. thank you to @cloversdreams for carrying the akiangel tag on there TOT!!! so it was through their joint effort that i got introduced to akiangel TOT

and thats why i reread csm for the second time!!! because i needed to see all the akiangel scenes. when i got to the handholding scene i literally slapped myself i felt so stupid for not seeing the connection between them the first time i read OTL HE SAVED HIM EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW HIS LIFESPAN WOULD GET SUCKED AWAY I MEAN COME ONNNN TOTTT

aki is known as public safetys number one devil hater, and over the course of the story he learns how to love again through his new family and aNGEL!!! AND THATS JUST SO CUTE OTLLL and think about it......that time when aki held angels hand to save him was probably the only time someones ever touched him willingly. imagine all the gay panic they both went through after that moment TOT they love eachother so much, but theyre both too broken to show it properly, and i know for a FACT they are both touchstarved but they cant touch otherwise aki would die OTLLL theyre just two sad boys, trying to love eachother :,) its the potential 👌 of akiangel that does it for me. thank you for coming to my ted talk

i part you with every akiangel shippers origin story

[norahjakobs]

But forgive me if you can

Maxwell thinks about Micheal, a lot. And how that keeps hurting him.

Here’s some Michael Carter/Maxwell Lord angst for y’all

This is set in Earth-627 so not everything is following exact canon events but I think everything is explained pretty well

Also this is a songfic for the song Sante Fe by Autoheart

They had first met in his office, a man looking for fame and recognition pleading for assistance in gaining those things with a man looking for the perfect pawn. It was a match made by luck, good or bad he still pondered to the day.

‘You were like a present I should not have kept’

It became a personal project afterwards. He was proud of them all, how couldn’t he be? They were to put it frankly, his magnum opus. And what saved him from himself in the end, made him realize the awful truth of what he was doing. And when the consequences came biting back they were the ones that found him.

But he’s always been the proudest of Micheal. He probably was the first one that saw potential in Micheal, and oh how that potential was followed through on. Sure the man was… irritating at times, especially when doing his shtick with Ted.

But when the cards were down, when things got bad he did good work, respectable work.

‘A sticker on your forehead saying ‘breakable’’

But it was clear he was looking for recognition, looking for something he had not ever been given. It was an open book to read that Micheal needed love, anyone that paid attention would have known that. But very few people ever paid that attention.

He had paid that attention. But he didn’t know how to show him that love he needed. There was always that barrier of the power he knew he held over Micheal. And there was always that fact that he never learned how to share real love, the type that actually came from the heart. There was a reason he was twice divorced.

But Ted also had paid that attention and he actually did something with that knowledge. He gave the love he could. He was there for thick and thin. Through health and sickness.

But it had been him in that hotel room. It was him that touched him like that. It was a perfect movie with the wrong cast.

‘And I broke you bad’

It was only one time, that’s all he could willed himself to do. He still looked at Michael like that, but each time he forced himself to look away. It was one time.

He scrubbed his hands of it. It felt wrong. It felt too close. Too intimate. The only thing to do was push it out of his mind.

Micheal probably didn’t even think about it anymore, maybe he hopes Micheal doesn’t. But something in his heart aches at the idea.

He should just stick to his heart of steel. It doesn’t ever fail him.

‘Waking up to nothing on New Year’s day’

It’s failed him. It always fails him and yet he always goes back to it. Hoping the pain will dull out.

He has to wonder if Micheal ever thinks about it.

He has to wonder if Michael ever wishes it went further.

Lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking of one of his co-workers like this is not what he ever thought he’d be doing but yet that’s what was happening. The old Maxwell Lord would have scoffed at this.

But the old Maxwell Lord was shot by Kil%re and bled out, bled out of his system so fresh, better blood could pump through his heart.

So he could have a heart.

‘Thinking of a holiday to Santa Fe’

He should at least check a few things off his bucket list. He doesn’t have a lot of time, the doctors said a couple months but he could sense their unsureness.

And using his powers... Well while he was forcing them to share the full truth they said it might happen suddenl-

‘To get over us’

What was happening? Who were these people? Why was everything so dark? It was just waves and waves of confusion crashing over him. He was screaming, his throat was going hoarse and he wasn’t even sure if the message was getting across.

It took nearly a year to piece his own mind back together locked in that dark room. Whispers of people outside of steel doors. It not been his favor to regain his sense of self.

But he had. Clinging onto the memory of the team, of his friends. Clinging onto the idea that they were looking for him.

Clinging.

‘The gods of justice spoke’

There was another him, he had his guesses on how. Top one being Kil%re coming back to haunt him. No matter what he’s done in his life he’s never going to get away from that mistake. He probably didn’t deserve to, his choice years ago costed a man his life and resulted in several others nearly paying with their lives.

And he had made that choice of his own free will.

But apparently the hero community were the ones who had to pay the interest on this debt. Ted nearly died and only luck saved him in the end. Wonder Woman was declared responsible for a man’s death. The world nearly got destroyed.

And that other him, a fake, a twin. Was dead. What to make of that. What can a person make of that? But most unfortunately he ran their name through the mud.

Maxwell Lord would be remembered as a traitor, terrorist, the villain.

Nobody would be coming for him.

Ra’s would be getting what he wanted. An agent in the shadows that could change anyone's minds. There wasn’t any way he could say no. The others might be remembering him as a villain but that didn’t mean he’d be willing to be responsible for their loved ones getting harmed.

‘And I got what I deserved’

He had done digging on the other him. A clone, a cyborg. Really just following through on what Kil%re had started with him. But most troubling it seemed that the control Kil%re had over him was minimal, there was some part in Maxwell that would have done the exact same things given the chance.

It disgusted him to know how little he had actually learned over the years. How he apparently still needed to learn the same lesson.

Then suddenly everyone forgot everything. Maxwell Lord was no more. He made sure that Ra’s would never remember what happened, he couldn’t risk it. Then he fled into the night, right back into the shadows he had grown so comfortable in.

A life of hiding was what he deserved, he did have full blame for what happened during the crisis, it’d be ridiculous to pin it all on himself. But had the roles been switched he very well could have done the same.

‘And when you saw me’

He had confirmed what he suspected. Micheal hated him, hated him like the mouse hated the cat, like the bug hated the spider, like the pleasant hated the king.

Natural, common sense, would make no sense not to.

But he didn’t hate him back, why would he? The last time they had seen each other they were friends, teammates, co-workers, a perfect what if.

But Barda had said she overheard some things at Sanctuary, some things that Micheal said, some things Ted had said, and some things Scott had heard then mentioned.

It was proof enough. Even in a game of telephone the general idea is kept. And the idea is that Micheal hates him, hates him for trying to kill his best friend, his anchor, partner (in mischief).

‘Your hand became an angry fist’

He couldn’t lose Micheals number like how he’d requested it even if he wanted to. It was burned in his brain, one of those things that just couldn’t get pushed out.

Just like the anger he had heard in Micheals voice over the phone. It was pure, it still sounded fresh. That wound had not closed over time, it had stayed raw.

It was such a bad idea to call him up, it wasn’t even necessary. The problem wasn’t even pressing. There’s time, days and days to figure out what to do. But in that first wave of panic he wanted to hear Micheal’s voice, hear something reassuring.

But another thought has washed over him. He’s never going to hear something reassuring from Micheal again. Never going to hear that sparkle in his voice when he’s thrilled. That fake confidence he wore for everyone elses stake when things were bad.

‘I agree with everything that’s coming my way’

From his point of view it’s perfectly fair, more than fair. In his eyes Maxwell Lord is the unrepentant monster that could have taken everything away. If it were someone else he was behaving this way to Maxwell would be full heartedly agreeing with that choice and encouraging it.

Even with some of the things he had done to Micheal that anger would be justified. Lying to him, sending him and the others into a trap, erasing his memory after what happened to Coast City.

Oh how he hates thinking about that moment in his life. He could pin it down as the moment his consciousness started going down the path to becoming the Black King, it’s just that path was cut short for him, interrupted by madness and a grudge. He almost had to thank Ra’s for that interruption.

But the reasons Micheal was angry at him were a lie. Probably one of the best the world has ever been told. There are so few blank spots, so few people that know the truth. Hell he had even helped cover it up. He had just said he was mind controlled when the Checkmate stuff happened, not that it was his evil cyborg clone.

‘But forgive me if you can’

One day he should tell Micheal the full truth, give him the full story to make sense of.

Maybe he’d forgive him.

Maybe he’d still hate him.

Maybe he’d be finally able to forgive himself.

Maybe.

[subtext-bycalvinklein]

[you have probably already seen the first half of this because I am dumb and I posted it without making sure it was saved in full. I apparently am REALLY bad at making Tumblr work. Not that I am surprised by that, but still.]

Hi, I know, long time no see, I’m still a tinhat-wearing garbage-can who has no idea how to properly use Tumblr and English still isn’t my first language so kindly forgive any mistakes, but I’ve been on a good omens lockdown for the past two months and unfortunately I have Big Thinky Thoughts

The point is- book!Aziraphale&Crowley are very different from TV!Aziraphale and Crowley. But not in the sense that they’re different characters: they are the very same characters you see in the book, it’s just… They act differently. I’ve spent the last fortnight turning in bed, asking myself WHAT made them feel so different from the book and WHY it was. And then it hit me: the TV show characters operate under a system of beliefs that the book characters have already overcome. This makes sense, because while the book characters to me feel more settled and “static”, in the same way two old dudes who are just waiting for retirement have already grown into their skin and mostly know who they are, TV!A&C feel a lot younger to me, and we have the pleasure of watching their character as they develop, as they become more and more aware of who they are and what they want. Because THAT ultimately is the point: neither of them is really, completely AWARE of the point they’ve “gone native” up until the last episode.

I think it’s way easier to see in Aziraphale: in the book, he doesn’t shy away from bad deeds, he seems to acknowledge his “”“moral greyness”“” and the fact that his loyalty to Crowley overrides his loyalty to heaven -and that this isn’t something he is supposed to do, but his loyalty to the Arrangement is way more profound than his acquiescence towards heaven. His identity is not just formed around the fact that he is an angel: that’s just part of it, and that’s what makes it easier for him to be aware of his “bit of a bastard”. It doesn’t come as a surprise, for him, just as the spark of goodness isn’t surprising for Crowley. It’s just something they avoided talking about because, well, if anyone else had heard them, it wouldn’t have ended well. (But we’ll come back to this later on.) TV!Aziraphale, instead, seems to base almost all of his identity (what he consciously decides it’s his identity) solely on the fact that he is an angel: he HAS to be good, he HAS to do what is right. All those things he does that he knows are frowned upon in Heaven are quickly discarded, considered outliers, because they cause such great cognitive dissonance he cannot bear it. At first, he seems to be starting to question the Great Plan, but around the time Crowley comes asking for the holy water¹, he seems to realise fully how dangerous everything they’re doing is, and sweeps all of his doubts under a big, heavy rug of denial. Because it’s either that, or being wiped off the face of the Earth (and the whole creation) or completely losing his identity by Falling (because he wouldn’t be an angel anymore, and he’s based on this facet of himself like 99% of his identity), which is A Huge Effing Deal, especially since it’s the narrative of himself he’s been building for almost six millennia. So, Aziraphale has put in place a system of beliefs which says: God created Angels. God is perfect, and since The Almighty created Angels to be good, they are good. Therefore, I am Good, and I cannot be anything else. Does this take into account that “Good” is a broad definition that changes with the point of view? Nope. It doesn’t take into account, either, the fact that Heaven and Hell are, in truth, just names for sides, and not that different at all. Another mistake Aziraphale does it’s an attributional error: he thinks that everything good he does it’s because he’s an angel, and therefore supposed to be good, and expects other angels to be like him, when often it’s really Aziraphale *as an individual* who does Good Deeds.

Belief systems aren’t inherently Bad: they give us fixed points² in the sea of change, and it’s vital for us to have them. Belief systems become Bad the moment they don't serve their purpose anymore: that is, when instead of being helpful, they hold you back from understanding, from exploring possibilities. And that's what happens to Aziraphale and, to some extent, Crowley: they both cling to their beliefs even tho they're shown time and time again that what they think it's wrong, and they choose to cling to them because the alternative is to float in the sea of the unknown.

It is only once Aziraphale confronts the falseness of his beliefs (the moment he faces the Angels and they tell him they won't prevent the Apocalypse) that he is able, once and for all, to eradicate his belief system and integrate in a new sense of Self all of those traits he usually denied about himself.

What about Crowley, then? His belief system looks a liiittle bit more grounded in reality... Except not really. While, yes, he seems less bound to Hell, and justly distrustful, he doesn't fare all that better. It's just more tricky to recognise, because it's more about Crowley himself than it is about heaven or hell.

Book!Crowley, since the beginning, is literally a very tired, very old, very uncool entity who is just waiting to retire from a job he hates to spend his time tending to his plants and doting on his adversary-slash-bestfriend-slash-husband. He is pretty much aware of the fact that, while he loves mischief, he doesn't like actively harming anyone, is really repulsed by the idea of hurting deeply someone. He knows this, and knows Aziraphale knows this. He just doesn't like stating it out in the open because he is a paranoid bastard afraid anyone will overhear them -and rightly so, I might add, because, as stated beforehand, there will be Consequences. When Aziraphale tells him he is, after all, nice, he's resigned, because being nice doesn't make being a demon very easy. But that trait is already stark clear in his Self-image, and he acts accordingly.

TV!Crowley, tho? The moment he is dubbed "nice" literally explodes in anger.

This is not about "telling the whole blessed world", this is about Crowley not having the faintest idea he has the spark of goodness inside himself. He has convinced himself that since he Fell, since he is a demon, he must be Bad. And this, imho, is reflected in the way he takes credit for the Really Bad Stuff humans have done, as well: he is trying so bad to uphold the image of a Big Bad Demon, he tries to rejoice when people do bad stuff, even though it's clear he doesn't like it one bit.

And that's because if his and Aziraphale's belief system have one thing in common, is their trust in God: if the Almighty cast him out of heaven, there must have been a reason, and that reason is that, deep down, he isn't good. Crowley's self image is built all around that, as much as his acts of kindness probably end up mislabeled as selfishness³. And that is because he cannot accept that his Fall, something that still plagues him after six millennia, that has left him with such a scar that his plants take the brunt of it, was just over "asking questions". The punishment doesn't fit the "crime", and it's difficult, if not impossible, for the human, or occult, or ethereal mind to accept that sometimes events so painful happen for no reason.

It's imperative, then, for the dismantling of his disfunctional belief system, that he confronts the truth: there is very little inherently Evil within himself. And that moment occurs when a desperate Crowley talks to God Herself (Themselves? I'm not sure if the Almighty uses they/them or she/her, sorry) and admits that the only wrong thing he did was asking questions. From then on, he slowly becomes able to face his own spark of goodness, to admit it in his own Self-image.

In conclusion: while it makes sense that the book characters had their moment of acknowledgement in the middle of the action, as it's a truth they already knew from the beginning and, since they were about to face Consequences anyway, they might as well voice it aloud, it is just as apt for the TV characters to say it at the very end of the story, because for them it's a starting point to the rest of their existences: they finally fully know who they are and what they want, and they will start the rest of the journey with that knowledge.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, some of the swearing is censored not because I disapprove of it but because I don't want Tumblr to decide it shouldn't be posted in the tag and, as we've previously established, I'm really bad at this.

Footnotes and be thankful this is just the work of an evening of procrastination because I'm known for "making metas that require a bibliography" but I didn't have the time to check my social psy books

1: I might expand on this someday, but I actually have Thoughts on the whole "Aziraphale Being An Heaven-Abiding Angel" thing, and how it heavily relates to Crowley and Aziraphale's dynamic; the holy water break-up in the 19th century seemed a good milestone for the moment

2. Yes, I was thinking of the whole "fixed point in a changing age" thing from His last bow, and yes, my eyes got misty while writing it and I don't have any allergies to blame it onto. My brain is an attic and it's full of ACD Canon quotes and by this point I couldn't get rid of them if I wanted to.

3. This is heavy tinhatting but I honestly feel like he often tries to pass off his kindness as "I like this and I want this so I have to do something". The clearest example is: he feels that the whole world shouldn't be destroyed because it's unfair? Surely it's just because he likes living here, not because he cares, pfffftttttt

*saunters vaguely back to studying*