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kevinjamesisagiantpeach · 4 years ago

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The Zookeeper- Ryan & Susie in Conversation

Susie: So Ryan, what do you remember about the Zookeeper two weeks later? What immediately jumps out to you about it?

Ryan: “Show her your puddin’ cup!” jumps out at me.

S: How did I forget about that part? I was thinking about the sad gorilla cake. My number one thing about that movie was that heinous gorilla costume. It was on my top five list of topics “bad gorilla costume” and Kevin James just sitting in the gorilla pen talking to the gorilla. Am I remembering wrong or was that half of the movie?

R: There was a lot of time spent in the gorilla pen. I feel like we have hit both extremes of animal movies. We hit the animal movie where they were making the animals do too many things that ended up being too much and too creepy, like dancing and singing and CGI wiggling… stuff...

S: Wearing pants

R: Yes! Wearing pants and stuff. So, we hit that extreme and then in The Zookeeper, we sort of hit the extreme where animals were just acting like boring people.

S: Like standing around A LOT, like a ton of animal loitering. The zoo would close, the animals would loiter. They’d confer about Kevin James, decide to take action but their action was to circle around Kevin James.

R: Yeah. You know what is funny? There were no animal-related hijinx, other than the gorilla going to TGI Friday’s which is also really boring.

S: It’s truly boring but when I tell you there are so many clips of it on Youtube. People love that scene where he is the van listening to the Apple Bottom Jeans song with the gorilla. I was searching…I have to say there are parts of The Zookeeper that I like. I have to say that Rosario Dawson was a champ throughout this film. I don’t feel like we have seen, to date, sort of Kevin James love interest that has been as game as she has for the ridiculous hijinks and pratfalls. She made the most sense so far.

R: Yeah. She was good, actually, and I think because they worked together and sort of had a friendship through work, when they got together, you weren’t like, “Oh, how did that happen?”

S: Like Paul Blart and the hair extensions woman.

R: Yeah. No. That was weird. That was not appropriate.

S: So forced and then Salma Hayek who seemed to genuinely hate his character in Here Comes the Boom. Or not even hate but sort of..but yea, revile. She definitely wasn’t a fan.

R: Definitely not respect. I do not know why she ended up jumping on that train, but I have a feeling it was nothing to do with his personality.

S: It was because he saved just the music teacher’s job. At the end of the movie, the shocking part is… not to talk about Here Comes the Boom again, but I could, forever… it’s not saving the school’s budget, it’s just saving a teacher. In the same way, that in the Zookeeper he stops selling cars to save the gorilla? Is that right? The gorilla, there’s nothing even happening with the gorilla? That was sort of a red herring?The one guy bullied the gorilla but nothing ever came of it?

R: Well, the one guy bullied the gorilla, which I feel like could have been solved by reporting that guy to their boss.

S: Instead of just kicking him

R: Yeah, he just sort of killed that guy, I guess. I don’t know.

S: He got murdered

R: Yeah, that guy got murdered. But [Griffon] knew about it before then. I feel like if [Griffon said something along the lines of, “I suspect [Shane] is abusing the gorilla. I think we should put a camera in there.” That probably would have solved that problem. I feel like he never went to Step A before he went to killing that guy.

S: And also, it’s like the zoo wanted to punish the gorilla, when again, it’s an animal, it’s a wild animal, not even a domesticated animal. So they were like… he kinda, I don’t even think he bit the guy, so he doesn’t get a nice cage anymore, we put him in a shitty cage. This is not a moral thing that the zoo is doing. So that is my other question, why is no one ever at the zoo? Did they spend all the money on wedding extras and TGIFridays extras. But that zoo feels closed all of the time. No one is there but the employees and that’s why the animals loiter so much.

R: That’s true. There is definitely a financial crisis happening with that zoo.

S: And we never figured out what city it was in, we conjectured San Francisco

R: Didn’t we eventually think they were in Boston?

S: Oh yea, we Googled it

R: We eventually find out it’s in Boston, and that is also the final song of the movie is [by the band] Boston.

S: I think it’s so weird to have a movie set in Boston and then not have anything Boston related at all. They could have been anywhere. They might have been anywhere. Probably filmed in Quebec.

R: I do wonder if people from Boston would recognize that zoo somehow, if it’s iconic enough that if you actually had been to the zoo in Boston, you would be like, “Oh, I know exactly where that is.”

S: I don’t even feel like we even see that much of it The pudding cup scene that you mentioned where he pisses all over the place. I feel like we’re in the pen a lot, the aforementioned gorilla pen we’re in all the time, we see the eagles, we see Rosario Dawson’s lab but I would be hard pressed to tell you more of that zzo. I can’t even placed in the geography of the zoo where the engagement party was.

R: It also seemed like that zoo was just one very small area. It felt like everything was very clos to everything else

S: Basically the animals were stacked somehow.

R: This was a strange movie. I feel like we were supposed to think that Paul Blart was very committed and saving the animals--

S: Paul Blart? I love that this is basically Paul Blart, reconfigured, reconstituted

R: What is his name in the movie, again? It begins with a “G.” He’s got a strange name.

S: Gordon? I don’t remember

R: No, it’s not Gordon. I’ll look it up. I think it is definitely worth knowing his name because it is so odd.

S: I feel like I can never hold on to the names of Kevin James’s characters because it’s always shades of Kevin James. I’ve started talking about Kevin James in casual conversation at this point. Where I say things like “I think Kevin James is really happy with his life.” And different aspects of his acting.

R: I feel like he does have his shit together. *frantically typing and having computer trouble*

S: In the bloopers in the credits where he just, I guess it was in between takes, he just turns to the camera and says all of America hates me right now. I think its funny to think about, Adam Sandler is so mad that people don’t like his movies. Kevin James knows and doesn’t give a fuck. And it reminds me of when Tyler Perry was on Black AF and he’s talking about how people hate his movies and he’s like guess what, I sell a lot of tickets and I’m making movies that are true to my heart. If people don’t like that then fuck that because this is what I’m doing. And that’s why they’re all over the place because Kevin James is a complicated man.

R: Well, I think, like Tyler Perry-- I am actually glad you brought up his name because now I am enjoying this connection-- I feel like you can either relate to it or you can’t. If you can relate to Tyler Perry’s movies, then they’re funny. You’re like, “Yes. I get that. I enjoy this. This feels real to me.” I feel like Kevin James is a little bit like that, too. It’s easy to watch it and go, “Who would ever watch this?” But then when you actually think about it, it’s like-- no-- this is probably funny if you find something relatable in this situation.

R: I guess the running joke is that Kevin James is a squat, fat guy who is extremely dorky and awkward and falls in love with every woman he meets and in every movie, he is doomed to be that person, and if that is what you feel like in your life, it is probably funny to watch it.

S: He’s a millionaire so it’s the total bright side of that. Sure he might be all these things but he’s married to a beautiful woman and has this family and life that seems pretty fulfilling and what we have learned from his shorts is he is a legitimately good actor. He could just be a good actor which I could not get over. Why don’t we see more of this? Why doesn’t this show up in his movies? Is it because the writing is so bizarre?

R: I think the writing is one of the main culprits. We watch these movies and hit those points when Kevin James is funny. The fact that we’ve seen it is proof that [the problem] is not his ability to land a joke. It’s more the script. The script is just too flat in a lot of these movies. In Zookeeper, the script was-- it was hard to grab on to why you care what is happening.

S: Yes

R: His name is Griffin, by the way.

S: Oh, o yea, it’s like a last name first name

R: It’s probably because it’s an animal name.

S: I feel the Zookeeper suffers from what most of the movies he’s in suffers from which is tonal confusion. At first we’re like ok we have this guy who loves his job, total Kevin James thing, loves rules, total Kevin James thing, and is hopelessly in love with a woman who is not going to love him back to the same degree, total Kevin James thing. But then all of a sudden of all these red pill MRA shit themes start coming in. And we’re like who is this? This is not my Kevin James. And the thing is that those parts of the film feel icky. Like that part of the film feels so much more Grown Ups than anything else we’ve seen him in. Where I’m like David Spade would someone totally do this. Like you could see this showing up on his Twitter feed like “make a woman feel bad about herself”

R: I think that is one of the things that I find most troubling about Kevin James movies. I don’t want Kevin James movies to be low key sexist or high key sexist. It’s hard to tell where on the spectrum these movies fall.

S: Because of the tonal confusion

R: Yes because of the tonal confusion. It’s a weird combination of he’s putting these women on a pedestal and sometimes he’s forming genuine relationships that you can appreciate with these women. They are always strong. They are not really vapid in these movies. These are smart capable women. These characters in the are interesting people who you are like, yes, I respect this person. And then I think where it falls apart is the way he actually gets women. That’s when it starts to become creepy. So, if you learn how to manipulate women, you can just get them?

S: There’s no seeing him stick the landing. There’s no reason that the relationship goes from kind of contentious to they’re making fun of each other and there’s no real chemistry like in Here Comes the Boom, the connection between him and Salma Hayek, I’m honestly can’t remember if they actually got together or not but I know the movie was trying to take us by the hand. And I’m like we don’t need this. This can just be about his super intense friendship with Henry Winkler, Henry Winkler’s unorthodox home life and then finding himself through MMA fighting. I don’t need this romantic relationship shoe horned in. Almost in the same way as Paul Blart, the end game in Paul Blart did not need to be a woman and then it wasn’t in the second one but they kinda wanted us to want it to be. That whole plot thread with him, the hotel manager, and the security guard, what was that? I know this isn’t Zookeeper and we keep getting off subject but I think this is relevant,

R: I’m just saying, Paul Blart had a threesome with those people. I’m throwing it out there.

S: Oh 1000%

S: He’s negging them! It makes sense that he would end up with them. I predicted this. I knew this would happen. I orchestrated the whole thing. Are we then supposed to believe that Griffin also became awakened to this sort of pick up artist technique?

R: He didn’t use it on Rosario Dawson. They actually did the opposite. They had a rip roaring good time at that wedding and that’s why they got together. I think that is why this is the most painless Kevin James romantic interest matchup because when they get together you’re like, Yeah, I get that. You got invited to this wedding as a friend. You had an awesome time. You both acted ridiculous, probably destroyed this wedding, but enjoyed yourselves, and after that, you decided to be more than friends. That is actually an understandable sequence of events.

R: The negging thing-- I think we were supposed to be made to understand that it worked on Leslie Bibb because she is a shallow gold digger and those are the only types of guys that she goes out with, specifically.

S: Ok which is a perfect transtition to why is Joe Rogan in this movie? Are they BFFs why is Joe Rogan in these fucking movies?

R: I would say I think he just likes playing a douchebag in Kevin James movies, but I don’t know. It’s hard to say.

S: I am not under the impression that he is part of the Adam Sandler cabal so we have determined that Kevin James puts his brothers and his friends in all of his films.

R: And his wife.

S: And his wife. So he is the light side to Adam Sandler’s dark side. Does that then mean, that Joe Rogan is part of the Kevin James posse? Cause I really feel like we are coming onto something here.

R: Well, they must be friends, somehow.

S: We don’t see the reoccurrence of actors in these movies unless they’re friends. Because once you’re in a Zookeeper or Here Comes the Boom, you only need to be in one of these. You can just sort of live off residuals. Unless there is a different draw, you don’t really need to be in another.

R: Here is a Joe Rogan tweet from October 11, 2012, promoting Here Comes the Boom:

https://twitter.com/joerogan/status/256578871380549633?s=20

S: So this is definitely a branding thing

R: I wonder if it started with Here Comes the Boom, where Joe Rogan was in that movie because it was an Ultimate Fighter Movie, I guess.

S: Yes

R: And then maybe they did become friends because of that and decided to do more movies after that?

S: And then Joe Rogan’s podcast only took off later like he didn’t become the podcast guy until maybe 2015.

R: So, yeah, I guess that would kind of make sense is they would come up in their careers together through Kevin James movies, in part.

S: That’s so interesting though because that puts Kevin James in the power position in his friendship with Joe Rogan.

R: Yes. I actually did find an article. If you Google, “Kevin James Joe Rogan Friendship.”

S: As I do, every night before I go to bed but go ahead and tell me.

R: I don’t know what sherdog.com is. I don’t know what it is. It’s the global authority on mixed martial arts website.

S: I’m so glad this is going to be on your web history, your browser history. John’s going to be like “Ryan, are you ok?’

R: So, this is an article from October 11, 2012, entitled “Kevin James’ Friendship with Bas Rutten, Joe Rogan, Inspired Here Comes the Boom”

S: So they were already friends then went and wrote a movie?

R: Supposedly, they interviewed Kevin James. Oh, look-- you can listen to the full interview.

Interesting

R: So, they went on Sherdog Radio Network’s Beatdown Show

S: I love these words

R: And then they asked him where he got the idea for an MMA comedy and he said It really came from Joe Rogan and I talking. I’ve always wanted to try to incorporate some mixed martial arts into a movie, and Joe and I were talking about how we could make it a comedy. It seems difficult to do without making it goofy and jokey … . The challenge was just kind of getting a blend of real comedy and real moments and also infusing that with realistic MMA.”

S: So that makes so much more sense why Here Comes the Boom was so confusing. They were trying to do a lot. I think this whole project is going to lead me to listening to a ton of Kevin James interviews to just try to figure out what was the kernel that this bizarre movie started as and how the fuck did it end up where it is. And I’m going to definitely look up what lead to the Zookeeper because if this is what led to Here Comes the Boom that means the Zookeeper was Kevin James was a at a zoo and thought what if the animals could talk and give me love advice.

R: It sounds like he and Joe Rogan are friends just because they are both comedians.

S: So Joe Rogan is big at the Comedy Store and I wonder if Kevin James used to do stand up there? Cause Joe Rogan one of THE people on the LA comedy scene. I feel like we’re going to end up writing a book about Kevin James someday.

R: I would be fine with that. Could you imagine if we actually got the opportunity to interview Kevin James?

S: I would love that. I feel like… and I’m going to take a big swing right now…he is the connective tissue that holds Hollywood together. But for real, we’re finding out that he low key has just been…and long term fans would think I’m ridiculous for saying this, I feel like he’s been kinda flying under the radar in a way that I’m unaware of. But think about how few actors get to act as long as he’s been acting. He’s been around since the early 2000s that’s like longevity stuff and it seems like he’s always trying stuff.

R: I actually wish that I had known about Here Comes the Boom before I watched Here Comes the Boom. I would love to know the conversation that sparked the Zookeeper. I wish that I was there for the making of before I saw the final product. I think if I knew more about the material beforehand, I would have a different relationship with the movie.

S: No that definitely makes sense because the thing we’re always questioning is intention. Like ok, so what exactly were we supposed to get out that scene? Or why would they have the characters do that? And I feel like from the little bit that I know about how the formulation of these things happened. They’re just trying stuff. Like we’re seeing what would now be relegated to a Youtube skit or a web series but they got to make a full Hollywood movie. Similar to Kevin Smith, being like I talked about the concept for Tusk on my podcast and then I went and made it. And it seems like Kevin James and his friends are doing that all the time. Like we were sitting around in our rich man’s houses and decided to make this film. By then he was flush with King of Queens money and Adam Sandler money so why not try some shit? And the studios keep signing off on it so he must be good money right? Or was that a Happy Madison Production?

R: I think that was a Happy Madison Production???? [EDIT: Yes, it is a Happy Madison Production.]

S: Cause that’s the other part if your best friend is going to cosign on your projects very little is risked

R: Let me see. At one point, I thought this was supposed to be a kid’s movie that their parents could watch with them.

S: Like a family film but so much of it centers around materialism and the compromise that happens when you’re with the wrong person. Even the hokey animal stuff like “show her your pudding cup” and “mark your territory”, I don’t even know how funny kids would think that was.

R: I mean, I’m trying to think back to when I was a kid, if I would have thought it was funny that he was peeing on a tree in front of actual children.

S: I think I would have felt uncomfortable because I would be like “an adult’s not supposed to do that” like stranger danger stuff.

R: One thing that struck me in the movie is how suggestible Griffin is. You could tell Griffin to do anything and he would just do it. I guess his character was like that because otherwise you wouldn’t have any jokes in the movie. So, like, he is peeing at this party. I feel like in a lot of other movies, they would create some scenario or misunderstanding that would make that happen, but in this movie, he just decided to pee at this party.

S: And the maitre d is way too understanding about it. Instead of ejecting him from the party, he’s like “hey you know have bathrooms right?” And Kevin James is like “yea” and then the subject is never revisited. And I’m sort of like that is not how that would have happened, the police would have been called. And like imagine being those other diners? So like you’re not going to kick him out? You’re just going to talk to him? Okkk

R: It also didn’t give him a private place to do that. I feel like in another movie, they would have given him a place to do that out of view and then he would have been caught, but he was just out in the open, peeing.

S: He was in the center of the restaurant, pissing in a planter. It was so, that’s the other part, that makes these movies so unbelievable. Kevin James as the main character is almost never the one acting most outrageously. Like he’s acting outrageously but so is everyone else here so it make it feel like it’s taking place in a crazy world. In the same way and I keep thinking about and I don’t know why this keeps coming up for me, the moment in Grown Ups where they’re at the water park. I’m having an issue phasing in and out of these movies at this point because they all have the same problems. But when they’re at the water park and everyone’s acting bananas. Where they have that weird scene where they sneaking onto the water slide the wrong way, and they keep going on the water slide and Steve Buscemi is there for no reason and Kevin James steals that kids milk and no one is behaving properly. So are we to believe that this is just a world where no one behaves properly or is the main characters behavior setting everyone else off like a domino effect?

R: I feel like it also diminishes some of the humor of what’s happening. I feel like if everyone thinks it’s normal to pee in a restaurant, where’s the joke?

S:I completely agree. With no juxtaposition, without a straight man, where’s the joke? It’s just like everyone acting like an asshole and I just think I’m glad I’m not there. Once the lose of decorum is normalized, it’s no longer funny. It’s just like oh, we’re in a gross out world.

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couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name · 8 years ago

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so I watched Annabelle for the first time yesterday and I went in all excited cause it was hyped up to be great and I love the Conjuring movies but holy shit: • Okay so right off the bat, they open and close the movie with scenes about the Actual Annabelle Case, but then create a fictional plot around the doll??? What??? Why??? • “Their daughter ran away two years ago so we aren’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy” • As someone who used to have an impressive collection of porcelain dolls...the are usually not that creepy holy shit. I’ve only seen one creepy porcelain doll in my life, and it’s in my kitchen as we speak. Still not as overly-dramatic as they made the Annabelle doll. In the actual, real life case, the doll was a Raggedy Anne, and frankly? That would have been creepier to use? Something so iconically innocent? This was just trying too hard. • Satanists breaking into the house, that’s a very common and relatable problem • The dramatic drop of blood from the girl’s neck onto the doll’s face, the Satanic symbol smeared in blood... 5 Edgy 9 Me • Okay you wanna know what the God damn scariest part of this movie was???? When the doctor firmly puts her on bed rest, and then she just continues to walk around and work and do her job normally???? Are you lost on the concept of bed rest???? She’s out here hearing noises and shit and I’m just screaming at my tv “WHY WONT YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABY???” bitch literally got stabbed in the stomach and thinks she can walk around like nothing’s wrong BYE • I was ranting about that literally all night • She tells her husband she wants to get rid of the doll, which is understandable, but then he just??? Throws it in the garbage???? Like 1) We know they’re having money troubles and 2) We know the doll was really expensive. Pawn it, you dumbass. You don’t have to tell the buyers a cult member held it in their arms after she slit her throat! That’s not information that needs to come up! This couple is just flat out exasperating. • All the zoom-in shots of her fingers at the sewing machine were 100% more nerve racking than anything else that happened in this damn film • How the fuck did she not smell that fire • h o w • So this chick gets stabbed in her uterus and then falls on her stomach while inhaling smoke and you want me to believe this baby came out 100% fine?? K. • Why was their apartment literally bigger than their house had been • You know when I met John Zaffis and he was complaining that when every true ghost case his name is remotely attached to gets turned into a movie they never make a fictionalized version of him in the film but instead add in a priest that just looks like him, I thought it had to be an exaggeration...but they...they really did just create a priest and cast a guy that looks like him...why is this a curse he must bear...I don’t understand...Just put the man in your movies... • Literally what the hell was up with the kids on the steps did we ever get a full explanation for that???? • Bookshop lady sees random woman outside, decides to run out and give her a free book for literally no God damn reason. more at six. • Okay so the doll somehow followed them to the apartment and that wasn’t a paranormal giveaway??? John, Mia, come on. • And okay I can respect her wanting to keep it and all but why would she put it in her fucking baby’s room are you kidding me. What sense does that make. • John was a Good Husband and I respect him but that boy was an idiot; Mia was a complete dumbass most of the film. So it was very hard for me to feel sympathetic towards them for most of the events??? idk • The ghost apparently couldn’t decide whether or not it wanted to be seen as 7-year old Annabelle, Adult Annabelle, or an Actual Demon...calm down? I get spirits like being dramatic but we need some consistency I’m sorry • Literally what the fuck was going on in that basement scene. Like...what • “You won’t mind if I just keep this one for myself then...” Um no Mia he should mind??? That’s a Literal Crime Scene Photo??? It’s evidence for the case??? You can’t just take it jfc • And the thing is??? She took that picture because she wanted to research the Satanic Symbol, but like??? We never actually did find out what that symbol stood for???? • Local Woman Is Shown To Be Suicidal In The Past So We Won’t Feel As Bad When She Sacrifices Herself Later. More at six. • This doll just kept...deteriorating throughout the entire movie??? Like she collects porcelain dolls you’d think she be able to do something about that • Local Woman Figures Out Doll Is Possessed, Still Keeps It Right Over Her Baby’s Crib For A Bit. more at six. • When the John Zaffis Priest(tm) offered to take the doll I was just like...My dude. My dude. No. • Like FIRST OFF if anything fucking bless the doll and the apartment before you leave??? Come on??? You know this is a serious enough situation that you wanna call the Warren’s in but you’re not gonna actively do anything about it until morning? Bye. • “MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL” calm down, Satan. • John Zaffis Priest(tm) : *literally sees the ghost/demon of a girl who used to belong to his church standing a few feet behind him* • John Zaffis Priest(tm) : *decides that’s not his damn business and tries to enter the church and ignore it* • I was so pleasantly surprised he survived that honestly • Remember kids: If demons need your consent to steal your souls, than you need consent to have sex. Don’t be worse than demons. • That whole scene where the baby was screaming but you can’t find her??? We get it, you’ve seen Poltergeist. • Ooooh girl when she was bashing Annabelle’s head into the crib and then threw her on the ground- I was waiting for a shot where we find out that had actually been her baby. They fucking let me down there. That would off been a great scene (fucked up, but it is a horror movie after all) • Dramatic Scenes Of The Husband Running Home. Will He Get There In Time? More at six. • Why do they have to hold the doll as they kill themselves • I like how both women were immediately ready to die for the baby but the man was just like “why don’t we all take a breather and discuss this further over coffee” while a demon is wrecking havoc in the room around him • Local Woman Believes Her Greater Purpose In Life Is To Kill Herself So A Baby Will Live, more at RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IM PISSED ABOUT THAT FUCKING SCENE • Like if you wanna ignore everything but the base of it- Evelyn was only suicidal in the first place because she wanted to see her daughter again. Something tells me if your soul is sacrificed to Satan you WONT BE SEEING YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER AGAIN • THE DEMONS JUST HAVE HER FOREVER NOW. WHAT THE FUCK • W H Y • WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD ENDING • HOW MANY PEOPLE SAW THIS MOVIE AND HAD NO PROBLEM WITH THAT BEFORE IT WAS RELEASED • U G H • And then the doll just ~mysteriously moves away from the crime scene alone~ and ends up in a fucking antique shop okay • Why did it take like a full year for John Zaffis Priest(tm) to get that picture of Mia and the baby developed for them • About 20 minutes after suffering through this film I found myself in a parking lot of a TGI Friday’s and got jump-scared by an old man in a car staring at me and I experienced more true terror in that one moment than I did during the entirety of this shit film • Overall: Waste of time and I feel lied to 3/10 do not recommend unless you’re really easy to scare

#annabelle #scary movies #molly at the movies #yikes #molly mumbles

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trendingnewsb · 8 years ago

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6 Ways You’re Secretly Ruining Your Waiter’s Life

One of the biggest culture wars being fought today is between the people who work in food service and the people who think it can’t be all that bad working in food service. As a rule, we tend to side with the folks who have the power to spit in our tacos, but even then, we wind up accidentally making things worse for them every time we eat out. You’ve probably ruined a server’s day this week without even realizing it. For example …

“Hidden Menu” Items And Special Promotions Are A Damn Nightmare To Make

Viral posts about fast food “menu hacks” get tossed around the internet like discuses at an Olympic trial, so odds are you’ve strolled into a Taco Bell armed with a Rolodex of “hidden menu” items you can’t wait to try, such as a chili cheese burrito or a Dorito shell chalupa. The thing is, fast food restaurants operate based on order and routine (that’s why they’re “fast”), so while you may enjoy the feeling of being part of the Cheap Meat Sandwich inner circle, it’s the hourly servers who have to deal with the utter chaos of jury-rigging three different burgers into one bun for the benefit of some rando who thinks they’re too good to order from the menu at fucking Burger King.

Take the Chipotle quesarito, the unholy union of a quesadilla, a burrito, and boiling liquid cheese that could strip the bark off a California redwood. As some Chipotle employees helpfully explained on Reddit, ordering a quesarito will cause them nothing but misery. Not only are they a total hassle to make, but you’re also about to give a poor server second-degree burns so that you could order a burrito that almost certainly won’t wrap properly just to impress your friends.

However, even when an officially sanctioned abnormal or “promotional” item hits menus — something customers are encouraged to buy — it creates chaos and bloodshed. When Starbucks rolled out its Unicorn Frappuccino, a pink and blue monstrosity that looked like a blended Lisa Frank folder, it made sure customers knew that the colorful drink was only available for five freaking days. Naturally, people rushed to see what liquid candy disguised as coffee tasted like, and the baristas were the ones who had to suffer. Braden Burson, a teenage employee from Colorado, posted a video of himself ripping Starbucks Corporate a new one over his now-acute glitter intolerance. “My hands are completely sticky. I have unicorn crap all in my hair and on my nose,” he cringes. “I have never been so stressed out in my entire life.”

It wasn’t only Braden, either. The Starbucks Reddit page had a field day with the Unicorn Frapp, highlighting the plight of the broken baristas unable to keep themselves from drowning in a flood of pink sludge. Blue and pink powders combined with mango syrup choked the air and coated everything like instagrammable napalm. Baristas had to deal with a constant film of unicorn shit clinging to their body like some kind of metaphor for the spoiled dreams of youth. Seriously, this photo of an order of 56 Unicorn Frappuccinos will one day be shown as part of a trial in the Hague:

“All You Can Eat” Promotions Screw Servers Out Of Tips

We’re not here to shit on the idea of eating as many appetizers, bread sticks, miniature shrimps, and/or bowls of Mongolian barbecue as you can. That’s the American Way, goddammit. We simply feel that it’s our duty to inform you that your intestines aren’t the only ones suffering through these glutinous promotions.

You see, all-you-can-eat promotions bring in customers who normally don’t eat out, because they’re generally pretty cheap. We’ve all been there: You spend most of the week eating asparagus and butter sandwiches because that’s all your broke ass can afford, and then along comes Olive Garden with a tantalizing offer of never-ending pasta for ten goddamned dollars. So you show up with an empty stomach, consume roughly two meals’ worth of food, and then try to take what you can home. It’s a steal … especially from the servers who waited on you, whose earnings are disappearing at the same rate as the pasta bowls. Odds are if you were lured out of your home by the promise of a buttload of cheap food, you’re not going to be leaving much of a tip. After all, Oliver Twist didn’t slip a 20 into the jacket of the guy serving the gruel.

So all-you-can-eat patrons don’t tip big (partly because their bill is so low, which is the whole reason they went out), but another big problem is that they stay forever. It takes a while to eat your entire weight in shrimp, so these folks will camp out at their table for hours, which prevents their servers from getting new customers. Anyone who has ever waited tables before knows how important it is to get multiple tables in a night just to break even in tips by the end of their shift, and a family of five gasping their way through a third round of plates at Golden Corral clogs up the flow of business.

Waiters have been complaining about these practices forever. Restaurant owners may claim that it drums up more business, meaning more money for the staff, but the math on these promotions doesn’t add up. They work their staff harder, they get paid less to serve more food per billed line item, and the buffet gobblers keep tables from opening up and bringing in new customers. Restaurants with all-you-can-eat promotions both target customers who make less money and force their employees to work for less money. It’s a delicious double-edged sword.

Large Parties Leave Terrible Tips (Which Get Taxed)

When you go to a restaurant with a large party (whenever you’re able to wrangle more than half a dozen of your friends to be at the same place at the same time, so either you’re going to the prom, a wedding, or a funeral), there’s often an “automatic tip” added on of 15, 18, or even 20 percent. The reason for this is that, despite it being a lot of extra effort keeping track of ten people ordering completely different entrees — some with tomatoes and some with don’t you dare put any tomatoes anywhere near this fucking thing — something called the magnitude effect kicks in, which basically means that people tend to tip less percentage-wise the larger a bill becomes.

The auto-tip was supposed to combat the magnitude effect, and for a while, it more or less did its job. Then in 2014, servers got slapped with an IRS law which says that any automatically added gratuity is now considered earned wages instead of tips, and that’s a huge difference. We apologize in advance for the upcoming math.

Say a party of ten puts together a bill of $200 and there’s a 20 percent auto-gratuity of $40. That $40 is already used to tip the busboy, cook, and the guy whose job appears to be chain-smoking and occasionally wiping off some menus. That means that, for handling a large party over the span of probably an hour or more, the server made maybe $10. According to the IRS, that $10 tip isn’t a tip at all, but “non-tip wages,” which are subject to Social Security tax, Medicare tax, and, of course, income tax. Not only does that dent their income, but the server also probably didn’t get a chance to work many other tables, because large parties require a lot of attention and tend to stay for well over an hour, meaning that they couldn’t earn any non-automatic tips from other tables with smaller parties. The government is apparently so hard up for cash that it needs to nickel-and-dime people who are already making less money than the “street artist” standing outside the restaurant.

Not that servers have to worry too much about figuring out the taxes of their auto-gratuities, because you can’t tax zero dollars. One of the major effects of the IRS law is that, rather than having to report extra income from auto-gratuities to the IRS, chains like Outback Steakhouse and TGI Friday’s have eliminated the auto-tip altogether. Which means the magnitude effect is creeping back in, with many servers seeing their biweekly pay drop from about $1,000 to $600-$800. But maybe there’s a silver lining here. Maybe IRS employees like having spit in all of their food.

Working A Drive-Thru Is Ridiculously Dangerous

Ask any server, and they’ll tell you the most stressful part of their job is the customers (and their hair perpetually smelling like old bread caught in a grease trap). Drive-thrus seem like an obvious solution — you have minimal interaction with the customer, they order quickly, pay for their food, and leave immediately. It’s ideal for customers too, because honestly, most times you go to a drive-thru, you’re in no mood / condition / level of sobriety to really deal with or be seen by other people. However, while it’s true that you might have less interaction with difficult customers while handing food out of a window, a lot more of them are actively trying to kill you.

Grewal-Digital/iStock This resembles the opening of a horror movie for a reason.

People commit armed robbery at drive-thrus all of the time. A drive-thru coffee shop in Kentucky was robbed four times in the span of a couple months. A McDonald’s in Florida was robbed twice in two weeks, which honestly seems downright restrained for Florida. There are lots of reasons for these sprees. Drive-thrus tend to be open earlier and later, some even 24 hours — you’ll note that robbers aren’t huge fans of broad daylight. Also, unlike gas stations, which mostly get paid with debit or credit cards nowadays, people still largely buy their nuggets and fries with cash, and the cash drawer is usually right there at the window. Finally, most fast food joints are located right near major intersections or highway exits, making drive-thru robbery really convenient in terms of getaways. Drive-thrus are essentially magic windows full of money and delightful food — a combination robbers find irresistible.

But even when they’re not going for the register, there’s something about being behind the wheel of a car that makes people angry — especially if they’re only going 5 mph and waiting for a stack of burgers. The Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that workers in restaurants that had a drive-thru are twice as likely to be assaulted as workers at sit-down restaurants like Olive Garden or Red Lobster. The fact that a Red Lobster is a better work environment than anything with a drive-thru means having to be anywhere near a serving window is a violation of your human rights.

And if the risk of getting shot isn’t enough for you to consider, then there are the endless streams of dipshit YouTube pranksters trying to spook you to consider. Drive-thru workers should start robbing the customers.

McDonald’s All-Day Breakfast Doubles Their Workload (So They Serve You Old Food)

There’s nothing we want more than what we can’t have, even if that something is a lukewarm Egg McMuffin at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. One of the greatest moments in customer peer pressure history occurred when McDonald’s decided to start offering its customers a limited all-day breakfast menu. McDonald’s saw sales spiking, and the resulting publicity was better than anything it could’ve hoped for from that Michael Keaton movie. And it’s great! Who among us can say they’ve never tasted the bitter defeat of arriving at McDonald’s to order a bag of breakfast burritos, only to discover that breakfast stopped being served minutes ago?

However, while customers might love it, the employees hate it. McDonald’s employees are the target of a lot of public ridicule (there’s an entire political party and accompanying news network that revolves around thinking up reasons to deny burger-flippers minimum wage), but that doesn’t stop the job from being thankless and hard. That has only gotten worse with the all-day breakfast, which requires employees to run the same extensive breakfast-to-lunch cleanup of their stations every time a stoner wants a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel at noon. At $7.25 an hour, how much could you be bothered to give a shit about re-cleaning your station every time someone orders an egg, cross-contamination be damned?

McDonald’s employees have, however, found a loophole — which is not a word you ever want to hear concerning the people who feed you. Many will cook up a bunch of eggs at the beginning of the day and stock them in food warmers for afternoon use. Hashbrowns are a quick and easy thing to throw in the fryer alongside the french fries, but pancakes don’t make it to the griddle next to the hamburgers; they’re just microwaved. So know that the second after 10:30 a.m., ordering breakfast means you’re eating reheated leftover McDonald’s. Nobody deserves that.

Children Ruin Dining For Everyone

Kids are like ironic mustaches that you can’t shave off — you think it’s delightful, but you’re really just annoying the shit out of people everywhere you bring it. One of the most unnatural habitats for children has to be the restaurant, which to them looks like a playground with glass and knives. And who has to deal with these infant tornadoes when dining out? Their parents? Ha ha, no. It’s the servers who have to become de facto babysitters..

Small children make dining experiences categorically worse. They deface the aesthetic of the restaurant by drawing on the walls or even scratching them with coins. They bother diners by blasting their iPads (meant to pacify them) at full volume. Parents will bring tiny snacks (such as Goldfish crackers or Cheerios) to distract the kids until the food comes, only to have them thrown everywhere and ground into the floor. Aisles are blocked with high chairs and strollers, making spills inevitable. All this mess makes it harder to clean up, which raises wait times for tables, meaning servers are getting fewer customers and those customers are getting more irate. That’s actually the most important point: Kids tend to make the dining experience less enjoyable for every customer, which can impact their generosity when it’s time to calculate the tip.

Some diners may recognize how much their server is struggling with a particular table and its particular high-chaired bastard king and be sympathetic. However, the party that brought the child almost never is. According to a survey of servers at Cornell, families with children are notorious for tipping below average, meaning kids probably possess the most disparate effort-to-reward ratio of all diners.

Understandably, restaurants dislike allowing small children, but this has become a contentious debate. They can receive horrible backlash for even thinking about banning children, and there are no shortage of mommy blogs that will happily point the blame for their disruptive children straight at the servers, offering helpful “suggestions” for dealing with their darling children, including “Come back to the table often so the child doesn’t get restless” and “Don’t allow us to order a dessert and then discover that it’s sold out” — the latter of which you may recognize as something that is literally impossible to avoid. That link also includes a helpful letter full of instructions you can print out and hand to your server, as if you two are trying to coordinate a flawless meal for a foreign head of state instead of a group of children who are too young to be expected to sit still in a public setting for longer than five minutes. The general retort from both restaurants and servers is that Applebee’s is not a daycare, and waitstaff already have their hands full dealing with adults who behave like children, which is frustrating for parents who expect you to feed and entertain their children for $2.19 plus a shitty tip.

Unfortunately for servers, the messy ethics of banning children means they will have to deal with these little poop tornadoes until the end of days. Sure, fine dining might get away with restricting children, but it’s not like Outback Steakhouse can pretend it’s too good for screaming toddlers. People show up there in sweatpants to eat fried onions.

Isaac actually kind of enjoyed working at Chipotle while he was in college, and still has the guacamole recipe memorized. Follow him on Twitter.

Also check out 5 Apocalyptic Realities Working At A Dying Chain Restaurant and 5 Disgusting Truths About Every Restaurant (From A Chef).

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