#They all care deeply for Y/N mental health and well-being.

[kiruamon]

Don't wake me up - AU Introduction

Cooking up another au idea. So first take these sketches and my info dump will follow further below. Also this feels like one of my more darker aus when I look at the amount of angst involved.

Sun

Moon

Y/N

Soooo... I was thinking of an au with dreams as a theme. Sun and Moon being an entity or guardian of dreams. While Sun stands for the good dreams Moon is in care of nightmares.

And into this setting I decided to throw a Y/N who has only very recently gone blind. They had always loved to create art. So to suddenly being unable to see was shattering their whole world. What's making it worse is that they always had been very independent and pride of what they achieved soley on their own. The thought to be dependent of others was something they never had liked.

But now even in their own home they don't feel any longer in control or autonomous. It's a struggle to navigate around. Bumping into furniture. Memorizing the distance from the bed to the door. Not knocking anything from the desk by accident or crawling under it if it does happen and feeling around for their keys without being able to use their vision to find them. It's frustrating and makes them feel like a stranger in their own place that should usually feel safe and familiar. But now it's all: Where did I put my phone? Was the grater in the drawer under the silverware or left from it? Did I grabbed a spoon or a fork? Which of my sweaters am I holding right now? Hopefully not the ugly christmas sweater I got four years ago? Does the shirt even match the rest or are the colors clashing with each other? Everything feels slowed down and like a big pain since things are still so fresh. Even worse that they have to let a stranger into their life to help them out that is supposed to teach them how to slowly cope with their new situation. It doesn't matter much to Y/N that said caretaker isn't human. They want their vision back so badly. And if that's not possible just to be left alone. Feeling overly emotional over the smallest things and then quickly burnt out. Every little thing is just too much. Being so stressed out and all... their only safe place for them is their dreams. It's where they feel the most normality and comfort. To sleep and to dream means for them to be free. To enjoy the colors and shapes of their dream environmental without any restricts that hold them back.

And that's where they meet Sun during one of their dreams. Not thinking too much of the strange encounter at the start. After all, it's just a dream. There could be much weirder things as a tall animatronic that claims himself to be a dream guardian. It's just odd how often they start to met since their first encounter. But Sun's nice. A very friendly and jolly fellow with an optimistic personallity that's kind of delightful. And Y/N finds himself quickly warming up to their new dream friend. Strolling through the dream realm with Sun and having some silly fun adventures without Y/N needing to worry that they could run into something by accident like in reality. But with time passing by Sun is starting to ask questions about Y/N. Questions that feel like hitting to close to home to them. That they don't want to answer. That they do not want to think about. After all they are hiding into their dreams to escape reality. Not to face their problems. Sun means well, but when he starts prying with his questions Y/N gets defensive and at some point snaps at him. And with the negative emotions flowing over their dream starts to shift. Bringing up more of their hidden fears and tinting it to become more of a nightmare.

Y/N finding themself suddenly alone in an eery nightmarish place. Full of dulled and muddled colors. Their surroundings looking close to a multi layer paper cutout full of symbols that represent their fears and worries which they had tried to desperately deny. The place gives them the shivers. Their shouting out for Sun. But he doesn't seem to be anywhere anymore. So they start running. Searching for him just to fall into a pitch-black pit that feels like it grows deeper and deeper with every second they are into it. Heart rate is going through the roof and panic is spiking up. That's when someone pulls them out. But before they can have a look at them the person they wake up from their nightmare. Next time when Y/N is back to sleep Sun is immediately there and telling them how worried he had been about them. Taking them in their arms and apologizing over and over for upsetting them. At the question where he had disappeared to last time he tells Y/N that he had been looking for them as soon as the dream had been shifting. Aside from that he seems a bit reluctant to tell them more about it. But from that day on Y/N finds themself a bit more often faced with nightmares and feeling as if someone was watching them during those times. Which turns out to be true as he spots a hooded figure at the edge of his vision a few times before finally being able to confront them. Feeling already unsettled and in fight or flight mode Y/N settles for the first option when catching Moon sneaking around them once more. Unbeknownst to them that Moon and Sun are practically one and the same entity. Just that Moon is in charge of their body in the realm of nightmares and Sun in the realm of good dreams.

Moon is more annoyed with Y/N's defensive and stubborn attitude as Sun is. But it might also not help that Moon himself is very tight-lipped instead of trying to explain things. So the two aren't off with the best start. And Sun has some explaining to do when he and Y/N meet the next time. Despite this rough start with Moon Y/N will find out that the more grumpy dream guardian is staying close to them whenever they find themself back in a nightmare instead of hiding like before. Giving them a bit closure with their presence and words and helping them to guide them slowly out of their nightmares back into more peaceful dreams where Sun will take over again.

As things progress there comes a time where Y/N will hardly want to get out of bed anymore. Just wanting to sleep. To go back into this world of dreams where they feel free instead of struggling all day without knowing what for. They are at a rough place. And they find themself wishing to stay longer and longer in their dreams with Sun and Moon. The world where they feel whole.

Of course Sun and Moon notice what is going on. The dreams after all depict the things that are going subconsciously and consciously on in Y/N's mind. It's hard for them if the two bring up their blindness. Or that they have to wake up instead of keep dreamig on forever. To start to live their life again. It's a messy time for them all and a lot of ups and downs. But with those confrontations and growing closer to the two guardians Y/N finds themself also becoming more vulnerable and slowly opening up to them. Admitting that they are scared. That they feel useless and like having lost so many things. Not knowing what to do. It takes a lot of time, patience and comfort from Sun and Moon as well as some firm words to slowly convince Y/N to start working on their fears in the real world. Y/N's dreams during this time are very unstable and easily shifting often between good and nightmarish during the course of one night. But they are slowly trying to work things out.

It takes a lot of them to ask the animatronic that had been assigned to take care of them for help. Not only because Y/N feels pretty shitty for having lashed out verbally in the past for a bunch of minor little things that had got them riled up during this time, but also because it's still hard for them to rely on someone this much. But all their conversations with Sun and Moon have teached them that's okay to ask for help. And so they do. Slowly finding their way back into life. Learning how to cope with their blindness. What tools to use to navigate better through their daily life. Learning that's okay to be vulnerable. It's a little surprise to Y/N when they find out that the name of their caretaker is Eclipse. A very patience and kindhearted animatronic. The round head plate with the triangular rays feels all so familiar under their fingers when he allows them to run their hands over them. Eclipse is the one helping Y/N out in their daily life. Cooking together and giving them all kinds of tips and tricks. Guiding them with his directions and gentle voice. He even brings up things like tactile art, sculpting and other things Y/N hadn't thought of before since they had believed they would have to give up on art completely. But slowly there is new hope found. And with each little achievement Y/N will find themself more independent over time. Finding joy in creation again and even some new things. While they always had liked music they also find a new interest in audiobooks. Even though they enjoy it even more when Eclipse will read for them while they sit together on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate in their hands and leant against him. Since Y/N grows more and more fond towards Eclipse to a point where they even found their more cheerful side back. It comes as a shock when Eclipse is telling them someday that he will soon quit his job as their caretaker. Since he feels that Y/N has grown independent enough again for not needing a full-time caretaker anymore. It leaves a bitter taste for Y/N as they had started to grow so used to having the other around and now feeling as if losing Eclipse again. Questioning the fact if they even had been friends or if they had been just another job for him. But at the same moment they start having those insecure thoughts they feel guilty about them. After all Eclipse had done so, so much for them and they don't want to taint their last time with him with acting like an upset or ungrateful child. So Y/N decides to just tell Eclipse how thankful they feel for everything he has done for them and that they wish him the best. Just for Eclipse to chuckle softly and telling them that he doesn't intend to make this their last meeting. He swiftly explains to Y/N that he only wants to quit the job in order to be able to be their friend without it feeling like he is paid to be nice to them.

Aaaalso some side notes to Sun and Moon. While they are like a dream entity or like I call them the guardians of dream it's not like they can do whatever they want in the dream realm. Besides their transformation they can not just wave their hand and change what happens in a dream. Their influence on the dreams is more subtle and depending if they are able to calm down the dreamer. So it's more like their interactions and words with the dreamer will affect the dreamers thoughts and subconcious and that will influence the dream. So if Sun for an example senses Y/N getting upset he will most of the time swiftly change topics and trying to use distraction as a method to keep the dream nice and peaceful. Asking about things Y/N likes and that feel safe to adress. Since Moon is just there when the dreamer is already in a nightmare his method is more about showing support. Staying close to them as some form of protection. He will take Y/N's hand or later on take them in his arms. Brushing over his back and keep talking with them in a calm voice. Letting them vent about their fears while giving some guidance if needed.

So it's all more about their skills in interacting and subtle manipulation via words (in a more healthy way) as having some magical superpowers.

Ooookay, that was a lot. And I hope it's not too confusing to follow my line of thoughts. There will be a second post entry that focuses more on some sketches that I did for this au and that will show some of the things mentioned here.

[luveline]

hi lovely :) i have a request for you!!

i’m thinking spencer reid x reader (and platonic!bau team if you don’t mind!!) where reader is having a bit of a rough time with mental health, but is 1 year clean and they have a lil celebration? thank you!!

-🍓 (this is my application for being an emoji anon lmao)

hi, thank you! ♡ fem 1k

cw implied drug use

You're expecting your boyfriend's voice when a hand touches your shoulder, but it's actually Hotch that speaks. "Good morning. Are you feeling alright?" 

You meet his furrowed brow with a softer expression. "Morning, Hotch. I'm good, I'm," —you stretch your arms out in front of you in a lie— "just really tired." 

"Take it easy today, okay?" You nod quickly. "Okay. And Y/N? Well done." 

You enjoy the shoulder squeeze he gives you and hide your abject puzzlement as he heads up the steps to his office, briefcase in hand. It's always nice to be doted on, but what's today? 

"Hello," a new voice says, a hand again on your shoulder, ducking down to kiss you behind the ear. Here's your expected boyfriend, Spencer's voice low and spectacularly sweet, "Good morning. You're here early, I haven't even made you coffee." 

"That's okay, I can make it." 

His arms cross over your chest. He touches you so confidently, his lack of hesitance a great encouragement; it's hard to find room to feel insecure about things when Spencer seems to see no faults in you. Hard, but not impossible. 

As though he can sense your rough morning (rough week, rough month), he holds you that second longer than usual, lips like angora silk where they touch to your cheek. "I'll make it, thanks. It's the least you deserve today." 

"Right," you say. He strokes your shoulder with his thumb in farewell, leaving you wondering. Today isn't your birthday, you'd probably know if it were. 

"Hey, good morning!" Emily says as she arrives, thrusting her bag and her travel mug onto her desk before she descends on you. 

It's her hug that breaks the camel's back, so to speak. You give her hands an absent minded hold but pull back in her embrace. "Emily," you say, frowning at her, "what's so special about today?" 

She blinks like she's worried to tell you, but she gets it together and hugs you again. "You're one year clean today. Everybody's so proud of you," she says quietly. 

You almost bite the tip of your tongue off. "How do you know that?" you ask. The thing about staying clean is that it haunts you until it doesn't. Some people can't ever beat it, and some people can. It's been a huge struggle for you, but eventually relapsing stopped feeling like an option, especially while you've been with Spencer. You can't do anything to jeopardise your safety while you're with him, you just can't. (That doesn't mean you haven't desperately wanted to.)

"Well, I knew it would've been around now, but Spencer sent us a memo. Nothing too detailed, you know, but we all…" She smiles at you wryly. "We care about you so much, and we didn't get it right with Spencer." 

No, they didn't. Spencer didn't get half the support he deserved, so he's making sure you do. 

There's something of a mental block in you that doesn't allow you to cry, but this shakes you roughly. Emily gives you a sorry smile and a last quick hug, apologising that she has to go and speak to Hotch before the work day officially begins. You lean back in your chair and click dazedly on an email from Penelope detailing how deeply loved you are and wondering if you'd like to go shopping. I know today might be really hard, so if you need me you know where I am. Love Pen. 

"You okay?" Spencer asks, placing your coffee in front of you on the desk. 

"Come and sit with me for a bit." 

You don't sound like you're asking, but you are. Spencer hears the need in your demand and immediately grabs his chair to sit next to you. You're surprised he didn't squat. 

You turn your face, lay your cheek on the short back of the chair uncomfortably, and take him in. He looks great these days, the memory of a young man firmly buried beneath a well-fitting suit, a cropping of facial hair, and the subtle, lean lines of muscle especially evident as he sits back to copy you, curls falling into his eyes. "You told everyone about my anniversary." 

"Your accomplishment," he corrects quietly. "I did." 

"I do want them to know, just… I feel a bit raw." You hardly remembered yourself, though you knew it was soon. 

Spencer takes your hand, pulling the joined pair between his knees. "It's something to be extremely proud of. And there's nothing wrong with celebrating it." 

"It's embarrassing–" 

"It isn't." He sits up as someone comes closer and you follow suit. This is a complicated conversation and your simple intimacies are necessary but inappropriate in the workplace. "I'm sure there are a ton of people who find sobriety embarrassing, but those are all people who don't know what it feels like to have to do it. We," —his voice softens— "do. I know exactly how it feels, and I know exactly how you've been feeling lately, so I'm proud of you and everyone else should be too." 

"How I've been feeling lately?" you ask. 

"Come on." Spencer stands and takes your face into his hands. One is warmer than the other, and he uses it to stroke the baby hair's at your ear very gently. "You do a really good job at hiding how you feel, but you can't hide from me." 

"I'm not trying to." 

"Good," he says, leaning down to kiss you. A soft, brisk connection. "I love you." 

"Not as much as I do, loverboy!" Morgan says as he arrives, giving Spencer a little nudge as he needles his arms behind your back and kisses your cheek. 

"You're squeezing me." 

"Have I told you lately how much I love you?" Morgan asks, squeezing your harder. 

"Morgan, she knows you know." 

"Know what?" 

"You didn't see the memo?" Spencer asks. 

"What memo?" Morgan grins at you with pearly white teeth and scrubs at your shoulders until you're squirming at the pressure. It's nice. "Looking good, gorgeous." 

[riddlesb1tch]

A General's Burden

Cassian x reader

summary: after a rough mission at Windhaven, Cassian needs some comforting. His mate is more than happy being there for him.

warnings: mentions of wing clippings, allusions to torture and death.

Today had been a particularly gruesome day for Cassian. He had ventured to Windhaven, the camp where he, Rhys and Azriel had all grown up. There had been some reports of males clipping females’ wings again, and Cassian went to end it once and for all. And even though the mission had been successful, the males were punished for their actions and the females had been given the medical care and attention they needed, you knew it had taken a toll on Cassian’s mental health. 

He had been quiet since he had returned a few hours ago. Even when you had asked how it had gone on the flight back, Cassian hadn’t replied. Now he was locked up in your shared bedroom, blinds closed, mental shields up, and completely cut off from the world. As strong and tough Cassian seemed to the world, given his position as General of the Night Court, and his hulking appearance, he had an innocent heart. Cases like the reports had spoken about tended to deeply trouble him since he couldn’t comprehend ever hurting a female like that. Especially their wings, when he had a matching pair on his back. So he could not understand how males, who could imagine the pain and suffering of having their wings cut off and having to live without them, would ever inflict that on someone else. 

You had opted to give Cassian his space for a while so he could process what had happened and come to terms with it, but now it had been well over six hours since he had returned and he still remained locked up in his room. Deciding to take some food for him, you gently rapped your knuckles on the door. 

Knowing he probably didn’t have much of an appetite, you stuck to a simple cup of tea and some sugary cookies to hopefully uplift his mood. 

When he didn’t reply, you twisted the knob and walked into the dark room. From the faint light streaming in from the living room, you could see Cassian lying on his stomach in the middle of the bed, head turned away from you. His wings were pulled taut against his back as if scared to unfurl them. His hair was still in that tight bun he kept it in while working and even from the door, you could see the tension in his shoulders. 

Your heart ached for your mate. 

Approaching apprehensively, you set the plate down on the nightstand, sitting on the edge of the bed and placing a tentative hand on his shoulder. Rubbing his shoulder empathetically, you spoke softly, “Cassian? You haven’t eaten anything since you came back, love. I brought you some tea.” 

“I don’t want it,” he muttered, not turning to face you. 

“Okay,” you whispered. “But please talk to me.” 

Now he did turn to face you. He looked utterly exhausted with bags under his eyes, and drooping eyelids, yet worry and horror etched into his beautiful hazel eyes where you longed to see nothing but happiness. 

Slowly, you asked, “What happened, Cassie? It went well, didn’t it?” 

He nodded. 

“Then why are you so down?” 

He sighed deeply. “Because it still happened, Y/n. Even after so many times Azriel and I have flown down there and beaten them up, even after Rhys has threatened to literally exile the males, they still keep doing this. And those poor females looked so tired and defeated, and scared, and there were children! Little girls they were doing this to, and I felt so useless because I couldn’t stop their beautiful, precious wings from being cut off by hateful, complete waste of oxygen males!” 

You watched as Cassian spoke about what he saw today and your heart broke more and more as each word left his mouth. He blamed himself for the atrocities committed by other males and he was beating himself up over it. 

“Cassian, you stopped them,” you insisted. “The reason any of them have wings today is because you put an end to those males continuing their abuse, darling. I know it doesn’t make it better, but it’s a small win, isn’t it?” You stroked his cheek. 

“I guess,” he muttered, now sitting up across from you and crossing his legs. 

You gave him a small smile and picked up the tea from the nightstand, placing it in front of Cassian. 

“Now, please eat something,” you said softly. 

Cassian nodded, picking up the cup and bringing it to his lips. He chewed on a cookie and took a sip of the tea, and you were happy he was finally coming back to himself. You got up from the bed then and Cassian’s eyes followed you. 

“Where are you going?” He asked. 

You didn’t reply, instead went over to the dresser and picked up a hairbrush and a small bottle of oil, showing it to Cassian. You settled on your knees behind the General, softly instructing him to keep his head straight. 

First, you pulled his hair out of its tight bun and watched some of the tension leave his shoulders. Next, you worked out the knots in his length then moved to brushing the scalp, paying special attention to using extra pressure to stimulate some blood flow. Cassian hummed in relief, getting somewhat of a massage from the bristles after having his hair up so tightly. 

Setting the brush down, you poured some oil onto your palm and rubbed between your hands before burying your hands in Cassian’s hair. 

“By the Mother,” Cassian groaned in relief, closing his eyes and tipping his head back. The remaining tension completely left his shoulders as massaged his scalp, using pressure to relieve any aches and pains.

“You are magic, Y/n,” he groaned in ecstasy. 

You chuckled in response, continuing your work. After massaging his scalp, you picked the brush back up and neatened Cassian’s hair out a little before leaving the oil on overnight. 

You wrapped your arms around Cassian’s neck from behind, resting your chin lightly on his shoulder. He held your forearm, leaning his head against yours and closing his eyes. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I am truly so grateful to have you, princess.” 

You smiled, kissing his shoulder and then his cheek. “You don’t need to thank me,” you mumbled. “I’m proud of you, Cassie. You are amazing, you are a hero. Never forget that.” 

You got up, kissed his crown and picked up the oil and hairbrush to set them back on the nightstand. Cassian was lying on his back when you turned around, and you gladly went to lay down in his welcoming arms.

Masterlist

[dreamwavesexploringreality]

TOGETHER

Requested: Chishiya post-Borderlands, taking care of a depressed wife

Chishiya x reader Post-Borderlands.

TW: Mention of depression, mental health symptoms, apathy, emotional detachment, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, reference to past trauma, social isolation, lack of appetite.

A few weeks had passed since her return to the real world.

“The real world,” Y/N thought repeatedly while lying in bed. “Is this really real?” Since her return to routine, Y/N felt as if she was walking unsteadily on a fragile sheet of ice that might crack at any moment. To anyone, it might seem that all that time in Borderlands had been nothing more than a very vivid dream. It was something she couldn’t explain to anyone and, even if she wanted to, the words didn’t seem real in her own language; it felt as if she were speaking another language every time she tried to give verbal form to everything that had happened. That’s why she chose to remain silent; it was easier and much more comfortable than starting a pointless babble that would lead nowhere.

On the other hand, Y/N had always been fascinated by the way her husband handled things. She had seen him calm and stoic in life-or-death situations, and now, back in the real world, nothing had changed. Chishiya was still the same as always, as if nothing had happened in the past days, weeks, months… As if they hadn’t been on the brink of death repeatedly, hadn’t witnessed bloody massacres and losses. “How does he do it?” she wondered.

So the hours passed, and the days drew to dusk, and she remained there, motionless in her bed, staring at a fixed point on the wall until her husband came home from work.

“Have you been lying there all day?” A voice jolted her from her daydream, making her startle. She didn’t like being caught off guard. “Side effects of Borderlands,” she thought.

Y/N nodded as she watched her husband undo his tie.

“Have you eaten?” Chishiya asked again.

Y/N shook her head. She hadn’t eaten, but Chishiya already knew that. Every morning, he would get up early, leaving his wife asleep, and prepare breakfast for both of them. He would leave with his coffee in hand and place another steaming cup on the table, and, as usual, Chishiya would return from work to find the cup exactly where he had left it, with all its contents untouched.

Chishiya never mentioned it to Y/N, hoping that if she got out of bed and found the cup as a surprise, it might motivate her to start a new day. But the days passed, and none seemed new to her. Chishiya would arrive, see the full cup, discard its contents, and slowly head to his room to find her once more lost in staring at a fixed point on the wall, absorbed in her thoughts, dead to the world.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Chishiya said as he rummaged through his work bag. He pulled out a few neatly folded papers and placed them on the bed before heading to the bathroom without looking back at the girl lying there. He wouldn’t say it out loud, but it hurt him. It hurt him deeply to see her like this, to see the once joyful, active, and lively girl slowly fading away, and he feared never being able to bring her back, losing her, and not having done enough to prevent it.

When Y/N heard the bathroom door close, she turned her gaze to the carefully folded papers on the bed. She knew her husband well enough to understand he hadn’t left them by accident. She reached out and picked them up, feeling their smooth and delicate texture. She unfolded them with reluctance, something trivial to any other person but monumental to her. As she laid the pages flat on her lap, she read the first line carefully: “Clinical Assessment of Depression Symptoms.” Y/N held the paper with both hands while her eyes raced to understand the document. It was written in medical jargon, something she would have asked Chishiya about under different circumstances, and he, with feigned annoyance, would have explained. But this time, her husband had left the papers there for her; she had to decipher the message, and it wasn’t too difficult.

Inside the bathroom, the water stopped running, and Y/N knew Chishiya would emerge any moment. For some inexplicable reason, she felt embarrassed that her husband might catch her with the papers in hand, so she folded them again and placed them back on the bed.

As expected, Chishiya took no more than 3 minutes to come out, and when he did, he cast a fleeting glance at the papers, which, judging by their placement, had been read.

“We don’t have food at home. I’m going to the supermarket in 10 minutes if you want to come,” the man said without looking at her, while rummaging through the closet for something to wear.

Y/N had been with Chishiya long enough to know that every word he spoke was meticulously considered and calculated, so it wasn’t hard for her to recall the text she had just read: “It is proven that walking at least 20 minutes a day improves mental health.” A sigh escaped her lips. The last thing she wanted at that moment was to get out of bed and get ready to go out, and when she was about to refuse, as she had every other time, an alarm seemed to go off in her mind, an alarm she had silenced for a long time that was now screaming for fresh air.

With no strength to respond and feeling unconvinced, Y/N nodded.

Chishiya had to wait on the sofa for more than 10 minutes before leaving the house, but he did so with a faint smile. He could be a cold and calculating man, but it was undeniable that he cared for her, even if he didn’t know how to show it, or did so in his own way.

When Y/N was ready, the man looked her up and down, hoping to see the familiar spark in her eyes. It wasn’t there. He still saw her lost gaze and pale complexion, and his heart ached seeing her look toward the door with distrust. Chishiya opened it with a loud creak that made the girl flinch. A flood of stimuli began to invade the house: the streetlights, the squeal of car wheels, a distant horn, and the chatter of people on the street. Y/N had grown accustomed to the absolute stillness of her dormant mind, and at that moment, the noise was overwhelming, so overpowering that the part of her brain demanding fresh air seemed to shut down, and she saw no reason to leave the comfort of her space. Her indecision must have been glaringly obvious, as all alarms went off in Chishiya’s mind, who remained calm by the door. Without a word, the man extended his arm toward the trembling, pale, and apathetic figure that was his wife. Y/N fixed her gaze on his open hand, and for a moment, the idea of touching Chishiya seemed appealing, letting a wave of nostalgia wash over her. That brief moment was enough for her to reach out and entwine her fingers with his, like a small child afraid to cross the street, and a shiver ran down her spine at the long-forgotten familiar touch.

Neither spoke as they crossed the threshold and Chishiya closed the door behind them. A bitter sensation lodged itself in the girl’s throat as she felt the door seal behind her, and the street she had known for years suddenly seemed more intimidating than ever, with the tall buildings towering over her, threatening to collapse at any moment, cars speeding away, and passersby moving briskly in all directions. For a moment, she remembered it all. All of it. And she felt her heart pound fiercely in her chest, and her eyes moisten with tears that threatened to spill at any moment. Her breathing caught in her throat, and the world seemed to close in around her.

Suddenly, a brief but strong squeeze of her hand pulled her out of her trance. Still breathing heavily, heart racing, and eyes full of tears, she looked at her husband. Chishiya was looking at her with calm resolve, as calm as he could be while his brain screamed at him to hug her and take her back to the comfort of her bed, but he was a doctor and understood clinically and analytically the chemical reactions occurring in his wife’s brain, plunging her into the deepest darkness. Summoning his courage, the man donned a serene, impassive, and even mask to hide his fears and worries, and with one last squeeze of her hand, a thousand unspoken words echoing behind, they both set out on their journey. Together.

© 2024 [@dreamwavesexploringreality]

---

Hey everyone! 🌟 I hope you enjoyed reading this story! 😊 I really put my heart into capturing Chishiya’s character and how he might support his wife through her depression after Borderlands.

It’s kind of heartwarming to imagine him being a steady rock when things get tough, don’t you think? 💖✨

[sturnioloshacker]

balancing act - a chris sturniolo short

a/n: requested by anon; lowercase intended

summary: chris struggles to juggle his responsibilities and reader comforts him and reassures him that everything will work

chris had always been the reliable one, the guy who never let anyone down. he prided himself on juggling his responsibilities, from filming car videos with his two older brothers to making sure he has enough merch for his clothing brand to being there for his friends and family when they need it the most. but recently, the weight of it all had started to crush him.

after a day of filming for the podcast, chris slumped into his bed, making his girlfriend, y/n, turn around from where she was seated on the bathroom sink getting ready for bed. joining him in bed, y/n noticed the exhaustion etched across his face. his shoulders slumped, and he seemed on the verge of tears. she knew something was bothering him, and she couldn't stand to see him this way.

“sweetheart, you've been so distant lately. is everything okay?" she asked, her voice filled with concern.

it’s true. chris had been so disconnected from reality lately that he frequently missed calls from his manager, kept zoning out when being spoken to and was always falling asleep during the day which he never did. so disconnected from reality that he completely forgot about his own girlfriend. turning to face the girl he adored so much, chris sighed deeply, his eyes welling up.

“i just... i don't know, baby. i’m trying to keep up with everything, but i’m overwhelmed. the car video topics are not it, i’m not liking the new designs for fresh love, mum and dad are on the other side of the country and i don’t know how much more i can possibly handle. i don't want to let anyone down, but i’m starting to feel like i’m falling apart."

y/n moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him in a comforting embrace. 

“it's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, my love. you don't have to be everyone's superhero all the time. you're human, and it's alright to ask for help or take a break when you need it."

chris leaned into her, the warmth of her embrace providing a glimmer of solace. 

“but i’m scared of disappointing people, especially you."

she gently lifted his chin to look into his eyes. 

“you will never disappoint me, christopher. you're the most caring and selfless person i know, but you also need to care for yourself. we're a team, and together, we can handle anything that comes our way. you don't have to bear the weight of the world alone."

tears welled up in chris’s eyes as he realised the depth of y/n’s understanding and support. he hugged her tightly, grateful for her presence in his life. with her by his side, he knew he could find a way to navigate the challenges and responsibilities that had been overwhelming him. he wasn't alone, and together, they would face whatever came their way, knowing that everything would indeed be okay.

a/n: it's okay to take breaks and remove yourself from the stress of whatever is happening in your life. it's so important to take care of yourself as well as your mental health and wellbeing. i've been there, done that. please don't ever feel like you're disappointing anyone by taking a break! you're doing what's best for you and people will understand. i love you all so much, please take care of yourselves for me 🧡

[mayhem-things]

This one shot was requested by:

@tilldeathripsusapart

Øystein has flashbacks of his ex band member Pelle but his girlfriend y/n comforts him

-------------------------------------------

Øystein sat in his dimly lit room, the weight of the memories still heavy on his shoulders. Y/N, ever the understanding presence, sat beside him on the bed, their hands gently intertwined. She knew he needed space, but she also knew he needed her by his side.

"I'm so sorry you have to see me like this," Øystein murmured, his voice barely audible, filled with both gratitude and self-blame. He tried his best to hide his face, turning away.

"Don't be sorry" Y/N said softly. "I'm here because I want to be. We're in this together, remember?"

He nodded, appreciating her unwavering support. The room was silent for a moment, the only sound being the rain tapping against the windowpane.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Y/N asked gently, knowing that sometimes, voicing the pain could help ease the burden.

He took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. "It's just... sometimes the memories of Pelle come back so vividly, and I feel helpless all over again. He was like a brother to me, and I couldn't save him." It was a statement, admitting his trust for y/n. He never told anyone of his true feelings lungering inside him. Euronymous often claimed he had no friends, no feelings and no pity for anyone yet y/n could see through this facade.

Tears welled up in his eyes, and his girlfriend wiped them away with her thumb, offering a tender smile.

"You can't blame yourself, Øystein. You did everything you could. Mental health struggles are complex, and it's not your fault. Pelle knew you cared about him deeply."

Øystein leaned into her touch, seeking comfort in her warmth and understanding. "I miss him so much. It's like a never-ending ache in my heart."

Even for her this reaction was surprising, not expecting such true felt thoughts behind those beautiful eyes. It was like he had a soft spot reserved for y/n's eyes only.

She couldn't resist and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close.

"It's okay to miss him. Grief takes time, and it's okay to feel all these emotions. I'm here to listen and support you."

With her encouragement, Øystein began to share memories of Pelle – the laughter they had shared about scaring strangers on the street, the dreams they had woven together, and the music they had created, a whole new genre not available for the public. He spoke of the pain he felt when he found him, the guilt that gnawed at him for not taking the signs serious. Euronymous knew about his thoughts and mental health, however he never could have imagined he actually would do it.

Y/N listened attentively, letting him express his feelings without judgment. She understood that sometimes, words alone weren't enough, so she held him tight, offering a silent understanding that conveyed more than any spoken language ever could.

As Øystein continued to open up, he felt a sense of relief washing over him. It was as if each memory shared lightened the burden he carried within. Y/N's presence and acceptance were like a balm for his wounded suffering soul.

In the quietude of the room, their connection grew stronger, a deep bond forged through vulnerability and compassion. He knew he was not alone in his pain; he had Y/N by his side, holding him up when he felt like crumbling.

With his girlfriend giving him a sense of strength, Øystein looked into her eyes, gratitude and love shining through. She had been his rock, guiding him through the darkness and reminding him that he was worthy of love and healing.

Without a word, he leaned in, capturing her lips in a gentle, heartfelt kiss. It was a kiss filled with unspoken emotions, a tender exchange of solace and support. In that moment, they found solace in each other, knowing that together, they could weather any storm.

As they pulled back from the kiss, Y/N smiled softly, her eyes shimmering with understanding. "We'll get through this together, Øystein. I promise."

He nodded, a sense of hope rekindling within him. With Y/N's love, he knew he could face the past and find a way to heal. They held each other close, finding strength in their shared embrace, ready to face whatever challenges life threw their way. In the sanctuary of Euro's room, they had found a sanctuary in each other's hearts.

Knowing they're not alone.

[marloree]

Hiii!!! I have a hyuka x fem reader fic or oneshot idea thats been in my head for weeks😭

Hyuka and y/n dated for 5 yrs and broke up about 2 years ago because her mental health was going really bad and she became too dependant on him and he wanted y/n to heal independently so he broke up with her even though he was still deeply in love but stayed as friends because they didnt wanna break their 19 years of friendship….. but who knows if any of them have moved on during those years…

pls <33 and thank uuu

៳ₑₐ𝑛𝑡 𝑡ₒ 𝑏ₑ 𝑡ₒ𝑔ₑ𝑡ⲏₑᵣ

Pairing: Huening Kai × Reader

Genre: angst to fluff, romance, lovers to friends to lovers

Word count: 2.6 k

A/N: this took me quite a while to finish, but thank you for requesting and being patient with me, nonnie! I had so much fun writing this, please feel free to request more in the future!!

Taglist: @babymochibeargyu

“We should break up”, those were the words you uttered exactly 2 years ago. Now, as you were tossing around restlessly in bed, all the memories took over you, again.  

It was, or, rather, could have been your 7 year anniversary with Kai, that is if you didn't break up.  

“I respect and agree with your decision, we really should break up, at least for now, Y/N”, the scene was getting replayed in your head for the Nth time, reminding you of a broken record.  

You still remembered the hug Kai gave you before taking his leave, the pained look on his face. You remembered everything as if it happened only yesterday, but, sadly, that wasn’t the case.  

You stayed friends and you shouldn’t have a thing to grieve about, right? Perhaps you were just being a bit ungrateful, but, no matter how much you appreciated Kai’s presence as your friend, you still wanted things back like they were 2 years ago.  

Well, not every thing, you definitely wouldn’t want to get back into the mental state you were in back at the time.  

Getting only deeper into the mess day by day, you clung onto Kai as the last straw that could bring you back to normal life. That wasn’t the right thing to do, for neither of you. You couldn’t put all the weight of your worries and struggles onto Kai’s shoulders. No matter how badly he wanted to help you, he would never get you out of your state on his own - he simply wouldn’t handle it. And you knew it. Even Kai couldn’t deny that you were right in a way: concentrating all your will to live on him only wasn't the right decision.  

But, you knew Kai would never leave you alone in such a state and you were grateful for that. You decided to stay as friends, that was the best decision for both of you: while not letting you grow completely dependent on him, Kai still helped you as much as he could. With his assistance and immeasurable care, you slowly, but surely, made it: you got back to your best. You felt the life rushing through your veins, the energy taking over you again, you no longer were the poor mess that had to depend on your boyfriend for little things. Kai was so happy to see you get better. Sometimes, it felt like he was even happier for you than you yourself were.  

Now, having finally gotten back into exploring new things, finally having found a job that could bring you joy, with new people surrounding you, your life felt full, complete, almost perfect.  

Kai, through these years, had always remained by your side, cheering and rooting for you. But, you couldn’t deny that you missed him as your partner. You always viewed Kai as a great friend, a great person, a great boyfriend. He was truly the right person for you. But, could you say the same about yourself? Were you the true right one for him?

That definitely wasn’t the case 2 years ago. Naturally, everyone has their ups and downs, everyone struggles, but, you felt like you were dragging both of you down in your past relationship. And you never thought it was right.

Kai definitely loved and cared for you, even now. It was as clear as day. But, could you really bring happiness and joy into his life? Even now, having returned your strength, you doubted that.

“What if I go down again? What if history repeats itself?” 

Such thoughts never let you go, making you unsure on what would be the right decision in the current situation. 

On one hand, since you both seemed to hold mutual feelings, why not get together? But, on the other hand, what if your feelings were wrong, what if you never were meant for each other? What if you only fed up your illusions, what if the only right way was to part your ways completely? It was obvious you couldn't stay as friends only, but would getting back together make the right step?

There were too many “what if’s”... 

But, then it hit you: neither of you ever tried dating someone else during these 2 years. Even if you were never meant to be together, would the separation make any of you happier? It probably would hurt both of you just as much.

But then, why fight your feelings? If burning all the possible bridges the two of you built during these years wouldn’t make the right decision, why not listen to your heart and try getting back together?

You couldn’t foretell your fate, but you were sure you’d make it your destiny to be by each other’s side.

It's not like your relationship started out of the blue. The feelings slowly built up during the long years of your friendship. You would never bring yourself to tear apart the bonds that tied you for so long. 

Was it even possible, to begin with? Even if you'd part your ways physically, you were sure you'd never get one another out of your hearts and minds.

Sticking to each other through all the hardships seemed to be the only solution for you. You always would struggle and go through something, but that's the way life is. You knew that in the end you'd make it, you two would make it through. 

On that note your gaze wandered to the clock. It was almost 4 am…

Calling Kai right now definitely wouldn't be the right thing to do. “I should let him rest properly and call him in the morning”, you thought. 

The thoughts of your possible reunion brought some peace to your restless mind - you finally fell asleep at dawn.

Having woken up when the afternoon was behind, you were glad you had a day off.

Checking your phone, you saw a “good morning” text from Kai. He was so considerate, even though you weren’t currently in a relationship… Oh, the message was sent a good few hours ago. He probably was worrying right now about what took you so long to reply.

“Morning, or, rather, afternoon, Kai! Do you have some spare time to meet up today? It’s nothing of urgency, but I’d really want to discuss something with you if you have time, of course.” you clicked “send”, finally getting out of bed to prepare for the day.

Despite being busy with work, Kai replied relatively quickly. “Of course I can spare some time for you, Y/N! How does 7 pm at the nearby café sound?”

“We don’t have to make it so officially, Kai, you could just come to my place, I don’t mind.” You quickly texted back, not wanting him to go out of the way just to meet with you.

“Ah, if you’re okay with it, then sure! I’ll come once I’m done with work.”

You hearted the message before going to clean up your apartment. You had plenty of time to run all your errands before the evening comes and Kai's day at work ends.

While occupying yourself with work all day, you hadn’t noticed how fast time flew. Once 7 o’clock struck, your entire flat was cleaned from top to bottom, a nice dinner prepared to satisfy the hunger of the two of you and create a more cozy vibe. You were going to have a serious talk, so trying to bring up a warm atmosphere definitely wouldn't hurt.

You knew Kai would come within the next half an hour. While waiting, you sat by the window, looking at the sky that was slowly turning pink and orange as the sun set down.

The view was unspeakably beautiful and soothing. The colors, in a way, seemed to represent Kai’s cheerful personality. The color orange radiated just as much warmth and joy as Kai did, meanwhile the color pink reminded you of his tender and sweet personality. 

As you were looking outside, you suddenly noticed a familiar figure walking to your house. The sun rays playing on Kai’s figure only added to the feeling of warmth and comfort that he always brought with his presence. 

Once Kai got closer, he looked up at your windows, noticing you. You waved, a warm smile tugging your lips: you were always so happy to see him. Kai’s presence alone could make your day ten times better. Even when you were going through something, a text or a word from him already calmed your mind.

Kai waved back, the usual broad cheerful smile that was so dear to you appearing on his face right away.

You quickly got up to open the door. The nervousness that was getting to you because of the anticipated talk faded by the calmness and understanding that seemed to radiate off Kai. 

He always was so considerate and caring, he definitely would understand you and would never do anything to hurt you in any possible way or form. You trusted him so, so much, like you’ve never trusted anyone before. Kai never doubted you or disregarded your or anyone’s feelings. He always seemed to understand everyone and everything. In all honesty, you wanted to be just as comforting and understanding as Kai was to everyone. 

“Hii, Kai!” you greeted, the smile never leaving your face. 

“Evening!”, he stepped into your apartment, pulling you in a quick yet gentle hug that both of you got so used to.

“I’m so glad you came, I wanted to discuss something that has been on my mind for a while now…But, come on in first, I got us some food.” you invited him straight to the kitchen. 

“Ahh, that’s so sweet of you, Y/N, but there really was no need…”

You didn’t let him finish, interrupting in the middle of the sentence. “But, Kai, there was a need, I know you're starving after work and our meetup didn’t let you get dinner first.”

“Well, you’re right about that”, Kai didn’t push it, happy himself to share a meal with you: it’s been so long since you last did.

After washing your hands, you two sat down at the table. Your kitchen was just perfectly placed: all the rays of the setting sun got in at the right angle, lighting up the room and creating just the needed atmosphere.

You ate in silence for a while, letting Kai relax a little after work while you gathered your thoughts together. 

“How’s work?” You asked after a few minutes, starting with a small chat.

“Ah, everything’s going quite alright; we’re doing better this month, actually. What about yours?”

“Oh, that’s great! I'm doing fine with mine, too.” You shifted in your seat, unsure on how to turn the conversation to the wanted topic, but decided to simply state things as they are. If only it would be just as easy to do as to say... 

“Um, Kai, the thing I wanted to talk about…it's actually about us.” You glanced up, looking for all the possible reactions. When you did, Kai was already looking at you. Seems like he expected the topic to be brought up at some point. 

However, his gaze wasn’t judging or hostile; on the contrary, it was encouraging, with a hint of relief that the topic was finally brought up, almost pleading for you to continue. 

You took a deep breath in, once again looking up at Kai for the support you so needed at the moment. 

“Yes, Y/N, I’m listening”, he smiled slightly, although it was obvious that he himself was rather nervous, afraid of what you were going to say next.

In the end, there were only two ways for you: to either stay together, but only as a couple, or part your ways completely. Which one would you choose, the thought alone made his worries escalate. 

After a few moments of deafening silence, you finally began your speech. You had so many unspoken thoughts and feelings to share, you felt like you'd never stop talking.

But, you had to share every single thought that came to your mind, you had to be truthful and honest as much as you could - after all, the outcome solely depended on your honesty with Kai and yourself, to begin with, and your ability to express yourself and your emotions. 

Before you began, you felt like you were suffocating in the endless kaleidoscope of your thoughts, but as you kept on speaking, it felt like a massive weight was being taken off your chest. Even if things don’t end up working out the way you want them to, it still is going to be so much easier for you once you take it all off your mind.

You went on and on, telling and explaining every single thing and thought that occurred to you during your relationship and further friendship with Kai. 7 years, in total…you had so much to tell.

You tried hiding as little as possible, telling everything you felt: the guilt of not being good enough for him, ruining your relationship, you shared all the negative thoughts that took over your mind for the past months, but you also shared just as much about your feelings for him, how much you loved and cared for him, how much you wanted him to be happy at the first place, how much you feared to ruin his life with yours, but also just how you couldn’t imagine your life without his…

You talked and talked, feeling your thoughts getting messy again. “Kai, I don’t know…I love you so, so much, but I don’t want my feelings to harm you in any way”, you finished your speech so abruptly, almost wanting to cry: the situation seemed just unsolvable to you now as it did last night.

Kai didn’t respond right away, taking his time to gather his thoughts as well. However, his hand found yours, giving it a tight reassuring squeeze. 

“Y/N, you never hurt or harmed me in any way possible. I can’t live without you just as much as you can't live without me. I understand that your doubts come from the worry you feel for me, I appreciate it that you care so much, I really do. But please, Y/N, do not put yourself down, do not disregard your own feelings. The only thing I can say right now that I’m absolutely sure about is: I’ll never be happy living without you by my side.”

You listened quietly, slowly processing his words.

“The only way you can hurt me is by hurting yourself”, Kai continued, “I’d never want either of us living unhappily.” The words got followed by another squeeze of your hand, this time a much gentler one.

“So, at this moment, I’d like to ask you…Y/N, would you want to consider being my girlfriend? I know this is now the first time for us, but please be sure that my feelings are no weaker; they’re even stronger now than they were 7 years ago when we first started dating, I’m saying this being as honest as I can only be.” Kai confessed, his gaze being so soft and gentle.

“I-”, you breath hitched in your throat, your heart almost bursting out of your chest. “I want to be your girlfriend, Kai, even need to be yours, I’d say”, you muttered the last part shyly, yet loud enough for him to make out what you said.

“And I need to be yours, Y/N”, he whispered, intertwining your hands.

[fluffysucker]

Fine Line

Bucky Barnes x Reader (Mob Au)

' We'll be a fine line. We'll be alright.'

A/N: I'm so sorry for the long delay. I have been having the busiest of days but I finally have some time off which I'm hoping can get me to write more. Anyway so thank you so much for being so nice.

This is supposed to be the last chapter but I got carried away and hopefully the last one will be out soon.

Likes, comments, reblogs are VERY VERY highly appreciated. Opinions really matter to me

TW: Violence. Threats. Cursing. LMK if I forgot something,

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist.

It was war, and you knew it. All of you did. But it was inevitable. There was no escape or an easy way out. One had to go down once and for all. You wished it would be them, but you could only pray they didn't drag you along.

A bit of time had passed. You were still staying with Bucky. Whenever you brought up leaving or finding somewhere else, he immediately turned the idea down. He never got bored of reminding you that he couldn't let you go, and it was his fight as well. He's got you now.

And he did. He took good care of you. You were well-nourished and fully rested. You didn't lift a finger. The maid and housekeepers were very happy to have you back. They didn't need Bucky to swear them to secrecy. They could tell that nobody should know you were with Bucky, and despite not being part of the mob, they understood why. And they didn't want to be the ones to compromise your safety. They liked you too much.

Along with the food and sleep, Bruce stopped by every couple of days to check on you and change the bandages on your wounds and stitches. He also kept giving you medications, which helped greatly with your recovery.

Since you got married to Rumlow, this was the longest you felt physically fine. And emotionally as well. Having Bucky within arms reach and getting to keep his company once again has been doing miracles for your mental health. You felt almost pathetic at how much you were genuinely feeling better.

The way Bucky treated you was a surprise. You expected some sort of resentment or bitterness, or at the very least, awkwardness. He tried to stop you from getting deeper into the darkness, and you didn't listen, thinking you were protecting him. Yet here you were. Dragging him further into a mess he never signed up for, seeking his protection

But all you saw were adoration in his eyes, kindness in his words, tenderness in his touch, and delicacy in his actions. It was a pleasant surprise.

You never talked about your current situation or even your history. But the love that connected the both of you was undeniable. He may not have said the words again, but Bucky's behaviour spoke louder than any words. The fact that he was risking it all for you showed his true feelings for you, which never died. The feelings that you deeply reciprocated

You couldn't help but feel a heavy feeling in your heart at how you turned his life upside down. One phone call in the middle of the night put this burden on his shoulders. No matter how much he said it was okay, you couldn't help but feel like you were an obstacle he needed to overcome.

However, he never once made you feel like you were trouble. On the contrary, Bucky provided soft, sweet feelings that you could swear you forgot they existed. It was the ease of hanging out with him. The peacefulness of his company. The compassion in his actions. The great care he put into everything for you. The comfort of falling asleep, held by arms that could never hurt you. A silent tradition the two of you developed that made sharing a bed the rule, not the exception. It wasn't shocking when your demons haunted you fearlessly at night or how your nightmares counted the seconds until attacking you in the deep darkness of the night. It wasn't unexpected or new for this to happen. However, this time, you had a knight in shining armor. Your own knight in shining armor A man your heart loved so much that your nightmares couldn't win.

You didn't need to ask. After finishing his nighttime routine, Bucky would join you in your room, getting in bed with you. You thought he was doing this out of the goodness of his heart after your breakdown on the third day here. Your terrified screams and wailing sobs had rung through the floor you shared. It was all catching up to you. The pain. The hurt. The betrayal. The fear. You were finally letting yourself feel it all. And it wasn't just the murder intention in cold blood. It was unfairness that had been your life for so long now. All the strain you had to endure. All the emotions you bottled in.

You were weeping and close to hyperventilating. Only once did you feel Bucky's arms around you were you consoled, pulling you into his lap and rubbing his hand all over your back and thighs while trying to get you to breathe slowly. Even after catching your breath, his gentle voice didn't stop whispering soothing things into your ears. You knew you should have moved once your sobs were reduced to sniffles, but you didn't find it in yourself to do so. You could only wrap yourself more tightly around him, gripping his shirt firmly in your fists. His voice and touch were grounding you, keeping you afloat away from the pain.

After that, Bucky didn't need you to vocalize it. He understood. So he came to you every night. It didn't make the terror stop. You had so much unpacked to just go away. But every time your mind betrayed you and was to throw you into panic, your tensed body would instantly relax against Bucky's strong hold, who pulled you closer to him once he felt the tension in your body. It was like he knew how to calm you down immediately. And he did. He was your safe place. Your fortified castle.

You were extremely thankful, thinking he was doing another good deed for you. The truth is, it was never just for you. Bucky felt a sense of stability and security having you in his arms, so close to him. He wanted to feel you beside him. He needed to know that he was the one taking care of you. He needed to be sure you were okay. Two years of radio silence between the two of you, then finding out what you had to go through, did this to him.

It would have been easy to let yourself get tricked by the restful atmosphere Bucky created, but you knew better. This wasn't a vacation. This was the quiet before the storm. And you knew Bucky was working on something. But he tried his hardest to keep his promise to keep you away from all this mess. Whenever you asked, he didn't give you answers. You told him you had to know at some point. Despite how much he hated it, he knew you were right.

So you embraced yourself when one of the housemaids told you that Bucky was waiting for you in his office. Pulling all your strength to knock on his door. A breath of relief escaped you once Bucky's voice reached your ear. If Bucky was there, you would be fine. That is the only thing you were so sure of.

Bucky got up from his seat after you entered the office, preferring to stay close to you as long as you were here. A smile made its way to your face when you noticed Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson sitting on the chairs in front of Bucky's desk. Being Bucky's most trusted men and his long-term bestfriends, you were familiar with them. Years ago in your dating days, when Bucky first introduced you to them—if you can call catching you cuddling on the coach with face masks and your hair in towels and watching rom-coms an introduction—you were waiting for the rudeness and unacceptance. But it never came. Instead, you got a family. Both men were so welcoming, treating you like a sister. Like you were one of them. So you were happy to see them again, feeling even more secure now.

Bucky led you to the coach, where he sat next to you. Then they started talking. Telling you everything. And you listened. They gave you all the information they were able to find, hoping you could help them connect the dots and figure out your father and husband's plan. And you didn't hesitate to offer all you knew.

It went on for days. Bucky would call you into his office every now and then. You would have long conversations, and they would ask you even general questions, trying to form a better idea out what was happening. Until Rumlow and Pierce pulled a card that exposed their whole game to Bucky. 

So when Bucky called you in this day, you couldn't hide your unease once you took in all the new people joining in. Bucky's hand never left yours, a sign that he was right here. He tried to delay this meeting as much as he could, refusing to risk your safety, even if he trusted every single person in this room. But it couldn't wait anymore. They need to move fast.

You didn't speak a word as Bucky explained everything to you. Listening and taking everything in. Everything makes so much sense now. You had been the pawn for far longer than you knew. You were played for a fool. A mixture of anger and sadness ran through your veins, making you agree to Bucky's plan right away. He reassured you that you could turn it down and they would figure something else out, but you didn't. You wanted this to be over.

You were declared dead.

It was a weird feeling. On paper, you were gone. In their minds, they had won. However, they were about to be proven wrong. It's the day you've been waiting for yet somehow dreaded the most.

Bucky kept you by his side all morning for both of your sakes. Both of you are praying for the same outcome. The only outcome you can accept You and Bucky stayed together until the last minute possible. Until you had to move.

Everyone was in position. Most of Bucky's men were out of the house or well hidden, so it would look normal. Only Bucky, Steve, Sam, and Natasha were in the house. and, just like expected, at night. Loud footsteps and angry groans were echoing around the house.

Breaking into the house, a very furious Alexander Pierce and out of his mind Brock Rumlow, along with dozens of their men, walked into the house like they owned it.

"BARNES." Rumlow shouted, looking for the man he hated the most.

Keeping his confident, cold composure, Bucky walked out of his office, followed by Steve, Sam, and Natasha.

"That's not a nice way to visit someone." Bucky came to a stop in front of them.

"I'm going to kill you." Brock moved to attack Bucky, only to be stopped by Pierce's hand on his chest.

"How long have you been planning for this?" Despite his calm voice, Pierce was fuming.

"I wasn't planning for anything." This was going to be a long conversation, and Bucky wanted them to be the ones talking the most.

"Cut the bullshit, Barnes." Rumlow tried to move towards Bucky again but was stopped by Pierce again.

"I don't know what you want." Bucky was holding his ground, sticking to the plan.

"You robbed us." Rumlow shouted, anger coating his voice.

"I don't think so." Bucky enjoyed watching the two men lose their minds.

"DROP THE ACT, BARNES." Pierce's voice rang in the house, making all eyes turn to him. Not a single noise other than the unsteady breathing.

"I have been waiting my whole life for this moment. The moment I get back what I deserve. What had always been mine. So I will be damned if I let you play me like this." Pierce moved forward to stand closer, finally digging into the real issue.

"You mean what was hers all the time?"

"It was never hers. She was nothing and deserved nothing. This is my whole life's work. She shouldn't have gotten anything from it."

"Yet her mother left her everything."

"It was a mistake. My wife's only and last mistake A mistake I have been trying to change for so long now."

The piece of information came as a shock to everybody. Alexander Pierce loved his wife so much. They were young lovers. A young, ambitious man who was willing to do anything to get his father-in-law's permission to marry his daughter. Even going so far as to put everything he owned in her name. And he did. And he never changed it. The bigger his empire became, the more his wife had under her name. He loved her enough to trust her.

His wife did love him dearly, but she loved you more. It didn't take Pierce long into the marriage to show his true colors. He was never violent with her or you. However, your mother didn't trust him with you if something were to happen to her. It was distasteful to try and protect your daughter from her own father. But she did.

When Pierce found out his wife left everything he worked so hard to achieve for you, he was raging. It didn't help that he was grieving her and their love as well. His emotions were on high drive. So he channelled them all into hating you and getting back what was his. And all you were told was that your mother left you nothing.

"And marrying her off to Rumlow was going to solve it."

"I had to do something before you would get her to run away with you."

"It has always been about the money for you, hasn't it?"

"Of course it is. Not only did I never want a daughter in the first place, but I got a weak, pathetic excuse for a daughter who could never keep my legacy. My biggest failure in life"

"A stupid bitch who handed you all my wealth"

"I should have listened to him when he said to kill her years ago."

It's infuriating to hear someone talk about you like this when you were nothing but the best. but that was their plan all along. They wanted you out of the picture as quickly as possible so they could have the money. Which is why they had their riot men in the police station to hurry your death announcement. They reported you missing a week ago, and that move exposed everything. Since when do they include the police in their work? However, the fastest way to get your money was a document confirming your passing.

But Bucky was smarter than them. He had you transfer everything to his name before the announcement, making sure to keep the dates unseen on the legal form. And you had no problem doing so. If you trusted Bucky with your life, weren't you going to trust him with money you never knew you had in the first place?

"I just want to know when. When did you get her to sign off on everything for you? I had eyes on her all the time. And she is too dumb and blind to plan something like this on her own." It was Rumlow's turn to ask questions now.

"So, how did you do, Barnes? When did you get our money?"

And that's your sign.

"When you left me to die,"

Your voice echoed through the house as you stepped out of Bucky's office, all eyes turning to you.

"When I found out you wanted me dead my whole life." You came to stop right next to Bucky, in front of your father and husband. Bucky's hand was itching to hold yours, but he knew it wasn't the right call.

"You are supposed to be dead." Rumlow couldn't hide his surprise and shock at seeing you standing in front of him, looking healthier than ever. You were glad Josh wasn't here among the others because you didn't want to put him in a hard spot. He saved your life, and that is not how you repay him.

"Miracles happen. Just like how I survived all your attempts to kill me." Your voice was strong. Stronger than you ever used with either man.

It's important for them to know that you are still alive and well. That their plan failed beyond what they ever thought. That you were finally making your own decisions. Despite how much Bucky hated it, he knew it had to be done.

"And how did he get it? I willingly gave him everything. Because it's my money, and I get to decide what to do with it. Like Mom trusted me with it, I trust him." You were talking to both men.

"I get to make my own decisions, despite how much you like to think you can control me. You can't." You knew you were pushing your luck, but it was now or never.

"You, bitch." Rumlow marched towards you, trying to reach you.

But Bucky was quicker, pushing you behind him, standing tall in Rumlow's face, daring him to come close, daring him to think about touching you.

"Natasha, please take her to her room." Bucky's voice got colder as he called for his friend.

You went with Natasha as planned, putting all your efforts into not squeezing Bucky's hand before going upstairs.

"Oh, she has a room now." Rumlow's remark was sarcastic but so angry.

"Always had. Always will have." There was no point in hiding it anymore. They already knew. It was now time to see how much you really meant to him.

"What exactly are you expecting to happen now, Barnes? We are going to walk out and accept defeat. You aren't that stupid." Pierce said angrily. The sight of you alive and breathing was aggravating.

"Actually, that's exactly what you will do if you want to walk out of here alive." There was no way they were walking out of here alive, but Bucky liked to play.

"Oh, we are walking out of here alive. You are the one who will never see the sun again. And let me tell you how I waited for this moment.."Rumlow's didn't affect Bucky's in the slightest.

"KILL THEM ALL."

Rumlow's command to his men was loud enough for everybody to hear. But none moved.

"Did you all go deaf? I said, Kill them all." Rumlow repeated his order.

"What do you want us to do, boss?" One of the men asked

"We said kill them." Pierce shouted as he and Rumlow turned to look at their disobedient men.

"Boss?"

"Take them outside. The rest of the men will tell you where to take them."

Pierce and Rumlow's heads almost flew off their bodies with how fast they swung to look at Bucky, who was smirking. It was the moment he was waiting for.

"What? Surprised?. Of course, your men aren't loyal to you. You aren't the least bit decent to deserve anyone's loyalty."

"Unlike you, they are smart men who knew how to pick the right side.

"You, on the other hand, are not so smart."

"You should have never walked in here. You should have never shown your faces."

Bucky moved to stand right in their faces, enjoying every bit of this. Especially seeing the two men crumble under him.

"You should have never let your ego make you think you could win. Think that you even had a chance."

"I'm going to make you regret everything. I'm going to make you pay for everything." Bucky was stressing over every word leaving his mouth, his cold stare like daggers.

His next words were more for Brock Rumlow.

"Especially messing with my girl."

"For every time you made her cry, I'm going to hurt you worse. For every time you laid a hand on her or touched a strand of her hair, I'm going to tear you apart. For every scar on her body, I'm going to burn you alive. For every time you hurt her, knowing she is my girl, I'm going to make you wish that I would just kill you."

"I'm going to make you pray for death but never get it."

"TAKE THEM"

Bucky's demand rang through space, and quickly, the men surrounded Pierce and Rumlow, outnumbering them and dragging them outside the mansion with both men's protests and failed attempts to escape. It was all in vain. They lost. They fell, and they shall never arise again.

Steve and Sam followed the men out, making sure Pierce and Rumlow were taken care of until Bucky had the right time for them. They patted Bucky's shoulder before leaving, happy that it all worked out as planned, knowing how much this meant to him.

There was only one thing left.

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[eddiesguitarskills]

When We Were Young

Part 6

Ex bf Eddie Munson x reader

Other parts 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Intro: 5 years have past since you packed up and left behind Hawkins. Well not all of it, as the people you met there are still a huge part of your life. But it's been 5 years since you had set foot in the small town, 5 years since you left him. And now after all that time you were back.

Warning: angst, language, mentions of suicide, miscarriages, self harm, mental health. Arguments. Mentions of break ups. Female identity reader. Use of y/n.

Bold parts are flashbacks

Word count: 3k

A/N: sorry this took so long this was a bad month for me. It can be hard to write something so raw when you aren't in the best place. It may have taken me a while but I hope you enjoy it. Not gonna lie I cried writing this.

Not prove read

Friday rolled around quicker than you expected, part of you hated that it was already here. Part of you was excited about it. Of course, you could have chosen not to go out with your colleagues who cared for nothing you had to say and ignored your existence, but it felt like your heart had already decided to go back to that bar before your brain had time to think. You sat there watching bartender after bartender come and go. The same spot you were in last week, just as cramped, just as loud, with the same smell of alcohol, sweat, cologne, and perfume in the air. Everything was the same, well it would be when he finally showed up.

To be fair the last time you were here he didn't appear straight away, it's like he was only truly there when you needed it when you felt lost and alone. Not that you needed him of course. You hadn't in a while, but something in you craved time with him. It was a weird feeling, and it felt strange to say aloud which is why it was best the thought was kept in your head. Seeing him was almost like a relief but also it was a pain you had avoided but needed.

The feeling of wanting to see him felt like when you want to ride the biggest rollercoaster at the fair, you look up and your body shudders at the height. It makes no sense to want to go on something so crazy, but we do, we sit in that seat, let the bar come down over our laps, and sometimes we chicken out, for years you have been too afraid to see Hawkins, to see him. But you didn't want to run anymore, you wanted to ride that rollercoaster, even if it was only downhill. At least it would finally be an end to things. Unfortunately, that rollercoaster had broken down before you even had a chance to ride it tonight, as Eddie was a no-show. You wished part of you wasn't disappointed at that.

The next week, unfortunately, rolled around a lot slower this time, it was filled with lunchtimes with Steve, detentions and trying to make your lower sets understand that you wanted to help them succeed, you wouldn’t give up on them so many of Hawkins had. One particular student Louis, reminded you a lot of Eddie, with hair slightly different, blonder, and less into nerdy stuff. But they both carried themselves the same, loved the same music, hated authority, but cared deeply, no matter how much they tried to put on a front that they didn’t. Very stubborn like Eddie, which is why it felt good when on Friday he didn’t grumble at your lesson plan, he actually smiled. For most, this wouldn’t be a big deal but to you, it showed that maybe there would be hope to be able to help him. You hoped this would be a sign that good things were to come.

So you went to the bar the same as the week before, despite him not being there again. You didn’t feel as sad as you did last time, but it would have been nice to share the news with him. News? What news? That a student like him was warming up to you? That it reminded you of when you used to help Eddie study? It made no sense to want to talk to him about anything. What is it about this town that was making you lose all your senses?

The next couple of weeks were the same. Every Friday is the same. Maybe two passing ships were all you were meant to be. It made more sense to not want to be around someone who hurt you so much, but something always drew you to him. You think of him in your quietest moments or when you hear a song that reminds you of him, or when you pass somewhere in town you went together. You may have not seen him in person for a few weeks, but mentally you had seen him every day. It’s like your brain was torturing you, it felt like it was manipulating you to believe he was still the person who cared for you.

You had been tossing and turning all night, trying to think of scenarios other than Eddie to dream about. Trying to force yourself to think of anything else, but that’s the thing whenever you try to do that, it always has the opposite effect. You stare upwards, counting the bubbles on your popcorn ceiling, after doing this for a while you started to think of the moles on Eddie’s body.

Eddie had his shirt off, face smooshed into the pillow snoring. You were always fascinated with his moles, especially on his back. You loved that people called them beauty marks, and looking at Eddie you could understand why. You always wondered if you connected them would they make a shape or a picture? Curiosity getting the better of you you got a pen from your boyfriend’s desk and started to play dot-to-dot with his moles.

When you got to one closer to his ribcage he flinched, you should have known better than to avoid his ticklish spot. “I’m not paper” he grumbled into the pillow, pretending to be mad. “Sorry I got confused with all doodles on you” you tease. He suddenly gets up flipping you so you are lying and he is pinning you down. You hold the pen up to him, pretending it was a weapon, “as you said angel I’m not afraid of doodles”. He lowers down to ki-

No! Absolutely not! Enough of that! You got out of your bed, got changed and headed out. You looked at the dashboard on your car, five am, where could you go that would be open? The bar? No, it would probably be closed and even if it was open he would be there. The Harrington’s? No, you were supposed to be there later, turning up at this time would only worry everyone and wake the whole house up. Lovers lake? No chance, do you want to go somewhere romantic the thought makes you sick. Benny’s? Despite Benny being dead the name stayed the same, it’s open 24hrs and at this time no one you knew would be in. Plus you would love some pancakes and coffee right about now. Caffeine might help your brain from drifting.

So here’s where you found yourself at the third booth, by the window, coffee in hand wanting for your pancakes. Your mind wanders while you stir the coffee.

“Eddie I’m not in the mood for Benny’s” you sigh, this week had been kicking your butt. All you wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep until it was all better. Eddie wouldn’t let you do that, he let you wallow for the day until he dragged you out of your house to your booth in Benny’s. You couldn’t understand how Eddie thought this would make you feel better, but that’s the thing. Eddie sometimes knew you better than you knew yourself. Maybe you didn’t want to leave your bed, but you needed to. You needed something good, even if it was simple like your favourite pancakes with strawberries and syrup to start to pull you out of your rut. As the food enters your mouth it feels like the first time you have smiled in days. His hand is resting on the table so you reach out to hold it and squeeze it. Maybe you weren’t completely okay at that moment, but you needed him to know you appreciated him.

It was stupid to think going to Benny’s would help anything. Nothing helped, it didn’t matter where you were or who you were with. Thoughts of Eddie were clouding your judgement. God, now you are even seeing things. You see a man at the booth next to yours, with his back to you, he has the same hair as Eddie. You were sure it was your mind playing another cruel trick on you. That was until he spoke to the waitress as she placed down his pancake and bacon with syrup. “Thanks, Dawn”. What were you doing? Before you had time to think your body had taken you over to his booth. You sat down. Your body was so quick with this decision that you hadn’t had time to think about what you would say. “You’re here early” god not that. You hated how being around him you had lost all your senses. He had already taken enough from you, now he had your sense.

He looked unsure as he looked at you. You couldn’t help but notice the large dark bags under his eyes, had he been struggling to sleep too? Why did you care? You always needed to have the upper hand with him, you couldn’t let him hurt you again. You couldn’t show weakness like him knowing you cared about him. He would only laugh in your face or even worse if he cared too. “Have you been out of town?” He shook his head. Still saying nothing. You had left him speechless, he had tried so hard to avoid you. He had thought going to Benny’s at five o’clock in the morning would be safe but he was wrong. He should have known you two was like magnets bound to be forced together eventually. “Are you ill?” He shook his head again. “So you’re just avoiding me then?”

He wanted to deny this, he hated the thought of upsetting you. He still doesn’t know the full story but he knows enough to know that he had some part in- god he didn’t even want to think about it. He thought it was mercy, him staying away. How could explain this to you without revealing what he knew? “I thought that was what you wanted”. You let out a small chuckle even though it’s not funny. “You haven’t cared about what I wanted in a long time,” You say it like it’s a joke but bitterness lies in your tone. You expect him to say something back, or do something but he just looks at you.

There’s a glint of something in his eye, if you didn’t know him so well you wouldn’t have caught it. It wasn’t love, or hate, it was sympathy. You felt bile in your throat. It all made sense why he was avoiding you, why he wasn’t a dick the last time you met. All this time you thought you had the power but as always he had all the cards and he was choosing which ones to reveal to you.

“Who told you?” Nothing. “Is that why you were nice to me last time?” He gives you nothing again. For so many years you had thought of Eddie as a monster who didn’t care about you and made you lose your baby. Then you felt like you were the monster and maybe it was better if he was away from you. You would go back and forth in the cycle for years. You healed and tried to forgive but had not forgotten he took away your chance of being a mother, young or not. Now you felt like you could never even think that thought again as you felt too guilty for the child you lost. That was the thing, Eddie never knew about your baby and you wanted to keep it that way. Maybe it was selfishness that you wanted to go through the loss alone. Or maybe it was the fact you didn’t want him to suffer the way you did after the loss.

How long has he known? Has he been hurting over it or didn’t he care? Was he only pretending to care so people would think he was nice? The thoughts in your head were getting too much and your heart was beating too fast. “Fuck this!” You slam $20 on the table and storm out. What did I do wrong now? Eddie thinks, he fumbles around in his pockets and finds $15 in change and places it on the table. He looks out the window to make sure you are still there. He sees you by your car blindly searching in your bag, you were always terrible at losing things. Some things never change. He picks up his coffee and downing it, it brings a slight burn to his throat but maybe he deserves that he thinks. He's about to leave when he sees your keys on your table, he picks them up. The universe was forcing him to talk to you and maybe that was for the best. He's not sure what to say but him not saying anything made you more annoyed so perhaps talking to you would be best, so he runs to face you.

“It doesn't matter who told me, I'm sorry okay” you don't look up from your bag. You don't want to cry or even worst look at him and forgive him. You needed your keys so you could get out of here as soon as possible. You were tempted to walk but you didn't fancy the 40-minute trek from the diner. “I don't want your apologies or pity”. Eddie sighs “what do you want then?” you shrug. He wanted to shake your shoulder, Lift your chin make you talk to him but what right did he have any more? “Please y/n I'm trying here, I get I'm the bad guy in this...I fucked up”. You dump the content of your bag onto your car hoping to find the keys and escape this situation. The longer the minutes passed the more you wanted to look at him, it felt like there was a force pushing your head to look. “No shit”.

“Y/n, please. I've said I'm sorry, what can I do to show you I am? I tried to stay away but clearly, that didn't work. I'm stuck okay... Should we talk about it?” You look up at him, tears burning your face “so now you wanna talk about your feeling that's new”. You were never the mean one but maybe taking a leaf out of Eddie’s book would help stop the hurt. Push the people and the love out for so long until you don't care anymore. Of course, this wasn't true but you couldn't help but convince yourself otherwise.

He reached up to you wiping your tears with his sleeves, cupping your face. “How long have you been suffering on your own?” you try to push his hand away but it stays there stuck. “I don't want your pity” you spit at him. He doesn't react he just keeps wiping your tears that won't stop falling and are giving away how you truly feel.

“I wish you would have told me, I know I messed up but maybe I could have fixed it. I know I wasn't there for you but I could have been if you would have given me a chance”. You look at him seeing the tears now staining his face as well. You had only ever seen him cry twice, once on the anniversary of his mother's death and the second time when he told you about Chrissy.

This was a sight you hated to see but at least for once he wasn't pushing you away he was letting you see it all, not forcing you behind his facade. You owed it to the Eddie you loved that was still in there to talk about it. “As you said you were stuck with me, you were ready to run and a baby and wouldn't have helped that. The fact that you took that away from me hurt, it was like a pain I have never felt before. I know you thought I left you, but you pushed me away before then. You didn't give me a choice and then you didn't let me take a part of you with me. At that point my whole present and future resolved around you, without you what was I supposed to do? Ending it felt like the only option.”

He freezes and then his knees give and he falls, he puts his hands out to break it. Baby? He was gonna be a father. He would have a family if he wouldn't have ruined it. Then he nearly lost you. Fuck he was a screw-up? He was worse than his dad. He blamed you for so many years and it turns out he was the monster all along. He grabs your legs blubbering through apology after apology.

You looked down at the sight below you, you wondered all these years if seeing Eddie as broken as you felt would help. It didn't it only made you feel worse like another piece of your heart had been chipped off. You pull him up and hugged him he falls in your embrace. After a while when his tears flow slower you break away. “ you need to stop searching for an answer for it all, there isn't one. Even if you did have one what would it help? You would still be hurting, we are still hurting. Maybe being out of each other's lives is better. It might hurt less” You go walk away leaving your items on your car, deciding going on foot would be better than staying here.

He grabbed your arm pulling you back into his embrace. “You don't have to suffer alone anymore. Let me in. I know I don't deserve it but I am finally going to be there for you the way you deserve” he whispers in your ear. You push him away. You didn't want to fall into the trap of loving him again to only get hurt. “You might not understand why I'm shutting you out, but I learned that from you. I was an open book before you walked in” you say in hopes to hurt him, so he would leave it doesn't work. He places your keys in your hand “see you soon” It was a question of when not if. He would let you take your time to take everything in, but now he had you back he would try and make up for all the hurt he had caused.

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[samptlay]

To My Sweetheart Who Carries A Wounded Heart Ch. 6

A/N: I might as well upload this already....

~

Series Masterlist, Chapter 1 🤍, Chapter 2 🖤, Chapter 3 🤍, Chapter 4🖤, Chapter 5🤍

Automatic Taglist: @msun1c0rn, @anime1fan2, @skyl8ver, @umi-adxhira, @lovingnahida

Just ask if you'd like to be added as well.

Yet you felt even worse when you woke up the next morning with an empty space next to you. Even before this, there had been many times you've gone to bed alone, without him, by yourself. But this time it hurt deeply. Deep into your soul, your heart, and your brain.

You didn't like this.

But you can't be fine with everything in life.

You were being dramatic. He was in the room across the hall, and nearby. He didn't leave you, not at all. Your husband was right when he said that you overthink things too much.

Taking a deep breath, you bring both palms up to your face, lower your head into them, and groan. It wasn’t loud, wasn’t quiet, but audible enough. You could feel the crust in your eyes as you blinked and rubbed them, you felt utterly dirty for some reason.

Dirty enough to stress too much.

Dirty enough to lose a baby that was barely alive for two months.

Dirty enough to push your husband away from you.

Unbelievable.

Rising your head from your hands and reaching across the table, you decided to contact your boss. You weren't sure if you were to call or text when asking for time off, but you ultimately decided that you wouldn't be able to talk about how you lost your child without breaking down. But to your surprise, the moment you opened your phone, she had just sent you a message.

Herta (Mrs. Scary Boss Lady): Dear Mrs.(Y/N), I have been informed of the recent events unfolding in your life and would like to offer you my sincere sorrowfulness. Believing that your mental health may not be in the best place as of now, I am placing you on leave for however long until further notice. Do not fret about matters of bills, your paycheck will still come in. I'll get someone to fill in for you so your absence will not affect the station. And I would greatly appreciate it if you'd tell me if the hours I give you are overwhelming. Hearing of the cause of the incident makes me wonder if your work life had a part to play. Take it easy from now on, for everyone's sake. Rest well, Herta.

Well you weren't expecting that. Even though you would agree that you held a rather high position at your company, you didn't believe that the CEO had taken any interest in you at all, anybody for a matter of fact. You even considered Asta more of a boss than her, but this made you feel a little less down, knowing someone who didn't have to care actually does.

Putting your phone face down on the bed, you took the strength to slowly move out of bed and stand up. With your body feeling exhausted, you dragged your feet into the bathroom and turned on the shower. You don't remember the last time you felt so utterly disgusted with yourself. How odd.

~

[jeankirsteinsgrlfrnd]

pairing: jean kirstein x f!reader

content warnings: none really for this chapter, mentions of anxiety & depression

word count: 2.5k

find chapters 1-3 RIGHT HERE on: wattpad

summary of book: Jean Kirstein has no interest in girls. He'd tried dating and found himself often bored before the end of the evening. Competing for captain of The University of Trost's lacrosse team, there is no shortage of women available to him but he'd rather be on the field. Unfortunately for him, it's the off season. (Y/N), however, found herself feigning ignorance about her desire to love deeply and be loved even deeper. After her first day at college, her hopes for the school year diminished greatly until she grew to know Jean.

summary of chapter: It’s (Y/N)’s first day at the University of Trost. Having gone through most of highschool keeping to herself, she suspects that college will be just the same. However, she runs into an old friend and discovers that college may not be as easy to avoid people in. (Y/N) begins to suspect she’s going to have a long year at college, thanks to her picking what would be the worst seat in psych class.

note: this is going to be a slow burn with many chapters, i am hoping for at least 30. although this is a jean fic, i will be potentially exploring a connie plot line. this story will contain topics of mental health/illnesses, suicide/death, grief, violence, drugs & alcohol, sex and other sensitive subjects. i will do my best to give you a warning ahead of time.

_____________________________________

of lilacs & lacrosse

chapter 1.) first day

 I'd say the funny thing is that I'd say I'd never given too much thought about how I'd fall in love, but that would be too much of an easy lie to spot. Love was all around me. It was in the movies, the songs, it was on the train and in the grocery store. I was frustrated when it didn't come to me in highschool, when a mysterious, pale man hadn't approached me, like the media had taught me. Where was my love and was it worth the wait?

————————————-

I've known these people since middle school, of course not every single one of them, but the ones that mattered, I'd known them. Hell, I'd even been friends with them at some point. Why was it so hard now? Was it the fear of saying something silly or more simply, the fear of being less than enough? More than enough?

These thoughts kept me up the entire night before the first day of college. I'd woken up in sweats, in screams even. I told myself, college would be no different than highschool and I'd be alright.

————————-

Beep, beep, beep.

That's it, it's time.

I yawn, my ears pissed off from hearing the never relenting alarm of my phone. Panic filled me.

Why?

I've been settled into my dorm for quite some time, it was nothing special but nothing to be ashamed of either. I pull the blankets off of me and swing my legs over the edge of my bed, which seemed to not want to let go of me, but very well could have been my own reluctance wanting to keep me in place. My bare feet hit the ground and I inhale.

It's just an 8 a/m class, (y/n). Just an 8 a/m. No matter the first day or not.

I tiptoe across the cold, hardwood floor. Opening my closet, I'm surprised at the lack of options for my first day of college, even though I was the one who had done the lack of college shopping. I wasn't going to complain, I'm not the type of person who cared so much about clothing and having the newest things. I was okay wearing clothes from highschool. It's not like anybody would actually notice. A simple outfit would do for the day. A black t-shirt, a pair of ripped jeans, and nothing more, except for a hair tie to keep half of my mess up. And shoes, of course shoes. My black and white converse sat on the floor, under my massive collection of black clothes. Pick me, they called. I grab my sneakers and bundle my clothes under my arm, shutting the closet doors behind me. I slip my choices over me and look in my bedroom mirror. Smoothing out non-existent wrinkles, I can't help but let my mind think. My eyes meet my own.

Was I afraid? Was I confident? Would anyone else be able to tell?

Stop it, (y/n.) You'll get nowhere, I tell myself abruptly.

My clothes are satisfactory enough. There is nobody I need to impress today and I'm okay with that. I'm not looking to make friends, just looking to make it through one class. I look at myself in the mirror, tugging my hands over places I'd hope nobody would look at. My steps to the bathroom are as sad as I'd imagined they'd be last night, trying not to make any sound although I'm the only one who could hear. Makeup bags sit on the white bathroom sink with various beauty products strewn about. I grab my go-to bag and unzip. My fingers fumble in the makeup bag on the counter. Mascara, foundation, eyebrows, lip gloss.

What if they don't like you?

Mascara, foundation, eyebrows, lip gloss.

Who's they, (y/n)? You don't actually really know anybody. Besides, I thought you weren't looking to impress anybody and you were just fine with that.

Mascara, foundation, eyebrows, lip gloss.

My hands tremble with the mascara wand.

"Fuck, shit." My lips part before I know. Dots of black cloud my eyes. In the mirror, I frown. I bite my lip, I'd already fucked up with nobody around. I feel a growing black cloud in my brain.

No big deal, (y/n). Clean it up, it's alright.

I grab a q-tip, quickly turn on the faucet and wet it under the water. I begin to blur away my mistakes. I bring the q-tip up to my face, relentlessly poking at the lingering black marks upon my face.

Go away, go away, I'll be late, I plead.

Eventually, the gods oblige to my demands. My eyelashes, and myself, are happy. My fingers find themselves once again fumbling in my makeup bag for a probably expired foundation. Even though I don't remember the last time I had actually gone and bought foundation, I don't have the heart to check the date, but there's no way I'm going to my classes on the first day without any face makeup. I pour a bit of my foundation on the back of my hand to warm it up before applying it straight to my face. I dip my beauty blender into the cream and bring it to my face. I'm staring straight into the mirror.

Who is this? It's me, idiot. It's always been me. Stop thinking.

I tune out the rest of my thoughts before I finish my foundation. I place the container back into my bag, and dig around for my eyebrow brush. Not like I actually do anything to my eyebrows, but somehow brushing them out creates a false sense of security.

Brush your eyebrows, (y/n), nothing bad will happen today. Oh please, brush your eyebrows (y/n), you've saved the world from eternal damnation.

My eyebrows are clean, sleek, and saving the world from an intergalactic attack. Eyebrow brush back in the bag, I search for my lip gloss. It was nearly a clear, transparent lip gloss but hey if it made my lips shiny, someone was bound to notice, right?

Right.

I'm looking in the mirror, I'm satisfied. My lip gloss is good and the shade of black my shirt is, well, black. No time to reflect on that. I head out of my bathroom, which I am grateful for the fact there's nobody to share it with. I'd somehow gotten lucky finding a cheap apartment I could afford without having a roommate and didn't have to settle for a college dormitory. This, however, did have its downsides. The place is quiet and I find myself staring. My kitchen is missing a sense of home. I shake away the fact and think about what I want for breakfast.

Pancakes? Eggs? Both? Nothing? Oatmeal?

There's no use. I hate the kitchen. I don't want to make anything for myself. I don't want to use any of my good, hard earned money for breakfast. I grab my black Jansport backpack that I purposely left on the counter last night. I would have forgotten it if I left it in my room but I can always count on myself to have a good old fashioned kitchen crisis. I stand in my kitchen, looking around.

I hate this.

I grit my teeth, unsure of how to be a person without anybody else around me. I made the heavy decision that heading out the front door is best for me. My steps to the door are heavy, unchanging and solid. I shut the door to my apartment. The hallway is cold and unforgiving of crimes I've never committed.

I'm sorry, college apartment, I'll never do it again.

Another thing I had gotten extremely lucky with regarding my apartment, was that I could walk to the campus in under ten minutes, five if I decide to really put some pep in my step. Outside my building, the leaves are still green and wanting to hold onto the summer. I stand under the overhang and pull out my phone from my pocket.. The weather app tells me it's 79 degrees, which is typical for the beginning of September in Trost. Maybe even a bit cooler. I pull some earbuds out of the mesh bindings on the side of my backpack. Untangling them is a challenge but the bigger challenge is deciding what to listen to.

[play: To All Of You- Syd Matters]

The campus is bigger than I expected. Maybe it would have been smart to have come by earlier and taken a look. The main building looks like a museum, it's built of brick and there are students everywhere I look. Most people are smiling and walking with a friend. I take everything in as I walk. There's a girl with purple hair sitting at a green metal picnic table, the kind that had holes and people would get their fingers stuck in. Her fingers are free as she dances a pencil across a black notebook. The leaves are blowing and I try not to think about the fact that nobody else is thinking about me. The grass is very green and for that, I am thankful. Nothing is dead. My steps are silent to me as I near the entrance. A boy walks in before me. He is wearing a black sweatshirt with the number nine in white on it. I cannot see his face and he doesn't look back to see mine. He does not hold the door for me. Upon reaching the door, I am cruelly reminded that nobody waits for you. I am alone. The door handle is cold in my grasp. My first and only class today is psychology, because who doesn't love their brain being fucked with at 8 am?

Nostalgia hits my nose when I step inside. It's cooler than it was outside and the lockers are blue. The floor is tiled and white with gray specks underneath my black shoes. Students are leaning against lockers, some people are completely frozen in time and others are bustling. I scurry to the side of the hallway to stay out of the way. I pull my phone out and look at my lock screen that I had previously set to a screenshot of an email reminder from my teacher. My psych class was on the first floor in one of the lecture halls. The time at the top of my phone reads 7:50. I put it back in my pocket and make my way down the hallway. I am able to find the room quite easily.

Nobody stands out to me as I pass through the doorway. It seems to be mostly carbon copies of the same brainless girls who would spew about how they'd change the world with their non-existing compassion. My eyes flicker across the room, trying to find a spot that would be the least painful to sit in. I don't want to sit completely alone in the back but I don't want to sit directly next to anybody either. I found a seat in the somewhat crowded room. It was towards the back but closer to the middle section and it was an aisle seat, closest to the wall with nobody occupying the seat next to it. A girl with brown hair sat just next to the empty seat. I wonder if she made the same game plan as me. I walk up the steps to my seat and sit. Quickly, I turn my head, wanting to see who is sitting with me. I can't see her face. Her head is tilted down and her phone is resting on the desk. She is focused on whatever it is she's doing. I turn my head back and take my headphones out of my ears then unplug them from my phone. 7:59. The professor was not here yet.

"Y/n?"

My head instinctively whips to the right, completely startled. My eyes zooming across the features of the person who called my name.

God, who knows me here? And who was it that remembers me?

Her skin is sun-kissed tan, or maybe it was natural. Blurts of freckles were clinging to her slim cheeks and small, pointy nose. Her hair is brown and brushed out of her face into a ponytail, a few pieces escaping the clutch of the loose hair tie. Eyelashes dark and the bags under them too. I have to peel my eyes away from her face. She's wearing a baggy black shirt and jean shorts. My eyes travel back upwards to look at hers. That's when I recognized her.

"Oh my god, Ymir?" She smiles and tilts her head at me.

"It only took you about, hm..." She looks down at an invisible watch on her wrist. "Thirty minutes."

Ymir and I were friends when we were younger. Actually, we were really close. She was even my first kiss. We used to be inseparable but I grew up and she grew mean. It was when highschool came around that I began to hate being around. She was just cruel to me, to herself, and to others. It was draining to even just exist in her cesspool of hate. Ymir could be sweet when she had wanted to be but it was rare to receive any love or support. However, when she loved me, she really loved me. She'd hold me so tight I was afraid I'd shatter but without her arms around me, I'd have shattered anyway. It was sophomore year when she had met a girl. Meeting Historia was the complete end of us. We weren't in love or anything simple of the sort, but it would have been nice of her to think about me first, or think of me at all.

"I'm so sorry, you surprised me, that's all." I hope my eyes aren't as wide as I think they are. A smirk still lingers on her face. She really was beautiful even after all these years. Ymir put her arms behind her head and stretched a bit. There was a tattoo of a triangle right above the inside of her elbow. I wonder what that meant.

Was it just a triangle? Maybe she had a matching one with Historia. Side note, I completely forgot her and I have matching shitty tattoos, just little stars by our ankles. We'd always wanted to go to a shop together to get professional ones but Ymir's garage was as classy as it got.

"How've you been?"

"Ah, (y/n.) I knew you'd be here, I bet your brainy ass is already psycho-analyzing me." She put her arms on the table in front of us.

Would she ever stop smiling?

"Why are you here? And I've been good, thanks for asking." I don't know if I'm making a playful joke or being snarky.

"I wouldn't mind learning a few tricks to get into people's heads. Besides, this class looked the most entertaining and you're here, so it must be my lucky day." She slides into the seat next to me. She leaned in close to me. "Are you wearing makeup?" This was going to be the longest class of my life.

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[wandafiction]

Realisations - Just Us Chapter 71

Warnings: Angst, Hurt, Talks Of Abusive Relationship, Talks of Trauma

Word Count: 4328

Series List | Chapter 70 | Chapter 72

================================

(Wanda PoV)

I look at my phone screen at the last message Y/n sent this morning, curled up on the bed as my own mind attacks itself as I think over the past 24 hours. I could hardly sleep last night, the bed felt so empty and I didn't have her warmth to keep me warm. It was cold, more so than normal. 

My eyes aimlessly wander around the bedroom, it's very plain and minimalist which is a little odd as a lot of the house is decorated. I also can't see any pictures of Sarah or Evie like I had expected to, especially in Y/n's bedroom. Then it hits me.

I sit up in bed and take a proper look around, I'm not in Y/n's room. I'm in a guest bedroom. That night me and the  boys stayed last week, me and her slept in this room. Why would we sleep in the guest bedroom? The answer lingers in the back of my mind but the dark thoughts of my wandering mind snuff it out quickly.

She has had so much going on this past month and a half, from her panic attacks to Vision and Steph, then how the news of her being a widow came out. My heart drops at a thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind since I found out about Sarah.

Is she ready for a committed relationship? 

A committed relationship where there are two teenage boys involved? 

She's told me she loves me and them, but what about what I did yesterday. What if what I did causes her to tip over the edge and she pulls away. What if she comes back today to break up with me? It wasn't just a petty fight. I said things that I can't possibly take back even if I tried my hardest too. I hurt her so deeply she wouldn't even let me hold her when we got home. 

I don't know what changed. She was so snuggly when we were in the aquarium after we talked, we were both ready to finally be completely open with one another. Me more than I ever have in my entire life. I want to be able to give her what she wants, I want to be the person she sees me as and not who I've always known myself to be.

I can't lose her. 

But, if she needs space and time to be able to sort her mental health out. Do something for her own sake, instead of putting everyone else first. If she needs help finding the light at the end of what I can only imagine is a very dark tunnel. If she needs my help everyday, but cannot allow herself to be helped. If she wants me to take a step back, stop being so overbearing and clingy. 

Then I will give her all the space and time she needs. I will show her how badly she can treat herself by showing her that she deserves to be number 1 for once. I will carry the flashlight and help guide her through it. I will be there to support her even when she pushes me away. Then I can take a step back, allow her to get back on her feet. I can slow down, enjoy the moments I have with her and take great care of what life has given me. 

My two beautiful boys.

And her. 

But I broke her and I don't know if she will want me anymore. God my mind was all over the place yesterday, well the whole week. Why couldn't I have just talked to her, broken my resolve of having to push my feelings away. She wants to know what I'm feeling, she wants to help me fight through whatever I go through. Yet I just can't seem to let her break down the walls that I have spent so long building, no one but Pietro knew how and he is laying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires everywhere. 

She called me Wanda yesterday. It broke me, but it broke me more knowing that I was the cause of my own hurt. 

Pietro would have called me out on my shit my by, telling me everything I needed to hear and not what I wanted to be told. He never minced his words telling me straight to my face with no fear of hurting me, because in the end he was always right. I unlock my phone, taking one last look at mine and Y/n's last message where we said 'I love you'. I go into my contacts and call the only person I know that can help. 

Nat: Hey sis! Why aren't you at work? Are you sick? 

Me: Uh, no I'm not sick. 

I think she can hear the tremble in my voice as I try not to cry.

Nat: What happened?

Me: We had a fight.

Nat: Is she home with you now?

Me: No, she left last night. She said she has to do something. I don't know where she is.

Nat: She left you after you had a fight! Like left you to sleep in the bed alone and went home?

Me: It's okay Nat I…..

Nat: No it's not okay. She left you after you had a fight, without resolving the issue. She left you alone Wanda. I'm not standing for it.

Me: Nat it's my fault.

Nat: I don't care who's fault it was, you don't leave the person you love after a fight.

Me: Nat stop! She….I…it was all my fault and I won't be surprised if she doesn't come back.

Nat: Don't say that Wanda. She will come back to you. What happened?

Me: A lot. Too much to say over the phone.

Nat: Where are you?

Me: At Y/n's house. Why? 

Nat: I will be there as soon as I can.

Me: Nat I can't ask you to leave work.

Nat: You're not asking and it isn't up for debate. Send me the address and I will be there.

Me: Okay. I really screwed up Nat. 

My voice barely above a whisper but I know Nat heard it because she lets out a small breath before speaking.

Nat: We all screw up Wanda.

Me: I don't know how to fix it.

Nat: We will figure it out together. Now send me the address I will see you soon. 

Me: See you soon. Love you sis. 

Nat: I love you too sis.

As we hang up, I choke out a sob. I don't want her to pity me and take my side like she did on the phone. She may be my best friend, more like a sister, but I can't have her pitying me. I need her to call me out on my shit, tell me what I should do. 

Then there's Y/n who I am worrying about, she hasn't texted me since this morning and it's scaring me. I don't know if she's safe, I don't know that she is okay, I don't even know where she is. However, I can't bombarded her with calls and messages because that's wrong, and she needs the space.

I can't lose her.

What if I'm too late and she is already gone?

I shake the thoughts out of my mind, but they remain lingering at the back like a slow torment. A storm is brewing in the deepest parts of my mind and I don't know how to protect myself from it.

To stop myself from falling into the rabbit hole of what ifs I pull myself out of bed. The same bed I had woken up in this morning alone, before taking the boys to school. The same bed that just doesn't feel safe and comforting without her next to me.

I shuffle along the carpeted floor to the small wardrobe in the room hoping there is something of Y/n's in there. To my relief there is a hoodie of hers in there, the only reason I know it's hers is because it smells like her. I don't wait another minute before putting it on, pulling the strings in the hood tightly so it tightens against my face. I put my sweatpants on then I put some fuzzy socks on. I bury my hands in the big open pocket at the front of the hoodie before making my way downstairs.

I start to make myself a cup of tea, not really fancying anything with high levels of caffeine in it. As the kettle starts to boil the water, I am pulled away from my tea making preparations by the doorbell. I look at the time on my phone, only 30 minutes has passed since the phone call with Nat. Wow she must have rushed here.

I make my way out of the kitchen to the front door, looking through the peephole to make sure it is actually Natasha. I sigh as I lean my forehead against the door, she looks worried. And take a deep breath before opening the door giving her a small smile.

"Hey." I pull the door open further, sliding out of the way to allow Nat in. Once the door closes she pulls me into a hug, leaning up to whisper in my ear.

"You're okay." I know it was her trying to be reassuring and it really didn't help, I buried my head into her neck as I shake my head.

"No, no I'm not. Neither is she. I fucked up Nat. So fucking badly. I don't know how to fix it." 

"Let's make a drink and we can talk." I nod into her neck, letting go of my hold on her smiling when her hands move to wipe my tears. 

"The kettles should be done. What are you drinking?" I usher Nat to follow me into the kitchen, her eyes bulging when she sees how big it is.

"I will take a tea please." She spins a full circle on her heels to take the whole room in. "It's a beautiful place you've got yourself here."

"Uhm, it's not ours. We aren't living together. This is her place. Her and Sarah's place." 

"Well that's something." I hum not really hearing Nat's words but once they register I hand her her now made tea with a questioning look.

"I just mean, you must mean a lot to her if she trusts you enough to show you this place. It's a constant reminder of the life she had planned, yet she has let you in. Let you see it for what it is. It's intimate really, with it being so personal and special to her."

"I sleep in the guest bedroom." Nat raises an eyebrow at me, I'm not quite sure what look she is giving me is.

"What did you sleep in the guest bedroom last night?"

"And last week." 

"Did she sleep with you though? Last week I mean." 

"Yeah." 

"Well I would do the same." 

"Do the same? What do you mean?" I lean against the counter opposite Nat who is sitting at one of the island's many chairs. 

"So I've said that she trusts you enough to show her into their home. Correct?" 

"Yes." 

"But she won't let you sleep in the master bedroom. Correct?" 

"Also yes. Nat what are you trying to get at?"

"She's not ready." 

"Not ready for what?" 

"Come know Wanda. I can't tell you all the answers, this is something you need to figure out. I'm just here to push you in the right direction." She takes a sip of her drink before sighing and looking up with sad eyes. 

"She has let you into her home. Her and Sarah's home. Meaning at one point or the other her and Sarah lived here. Planned to have a family here together." 

"Yes I know that."

"Wanda your being stupid. Really think about it. Who would have slept in the master bedroom." My heart drops through my ass.

"Her and Sarah." My voice barely a whisper. This is not why I asked Nat to come over, but I'm starting to see some things about me that I'm not liking.

"Exactly. Her and Sarah. Her and her wife. She isn't ready to have someone else in that bed. Let alone someone who I think she feels is replacing Sarah."

"I don't want to replace Sarah. I could never be Sarah." 

"Have you told her that?"

"I've told her she can talk about Sarah and Evie whenever she wants, that I'm always there for her." 

"Wanda you're not getting it." 

"Well you are not making any sense!" I slam my hand against the counter, frustrated more at myself for not being able to see what's right in front of me.

"Have you told her that you know you could never replace Sarah? That you don't want to replace Sarah! Have you asked her how she feels about you being in their home?" 

"No." I look down into my cup and my half drunk tea as I bite at my lip. 

"Wanda I know that you struggle with feelings. I know you struggle to have those big conversations. I know you struggle with what to say sometimes not wanting to hurt yourself, or anyone else in the process. But Y/n is different. She has been through so much in such a short amount of time. Her life went from one hell to another and another over and over again." 

I bite my lip trying to get the tears to stop falling as I listen to Nat. 

"She may not admit it Wanda, and maybe you just don't want to see it. But she is so much more broken then any of you would like to admit to the other. It's not just about the panic attacks, the PTSD or the dead wife Wanda. It's about everything that happened before, during and after that. She may say she is fine, but Wanda, she is struggling so much." 

"How could I not see it?"

"Because she didn't want you to, and you wanted to avoid having to talk. Really talk. You have both gone through your fair share of trauma, her more so than you but it does not invalidate that you went through shit to. Your shit has affected you in ways that cause you to build wall after wall that get harder to break down each time. Your trauma Wanda, is something that is holding you back from who you want to be when you're with her." 

"I don't want us to end."

"Then don't let it. She doesn't want it to end either I'm sure of it. You both have very different ways of dealing with things. But you need to put everything on the table, you need to make the first move. You may trust each other but until you both talk about how you move forward. Well then there is no safety net around you, trust without safety is like bungee jumping with a bit of string and hoping that it doesn't snap. You have to be ready to sacrifice a few of your walls, allow her to knock them down for you to be mentally in the right place to be in a relationship."

"You don't think I'm ready for something new? Nat we have been together nearly two months, we have said we love you to one another."

"Did you mean it when you said it? Or was it an in the moment thing that you let slip?" 

"Of course I mean it. I mean it every time I say it. I want her to know how much I love her everyday." I don't hesitate to argue back.

"Good because if she loves you the way I think she does, it would break her to know you don't mean your words. Saying that, if your love matches hers then you will be able to get through this. Together. You need each other to help you through. You need to look after each while also looking after yourself. Have you been to therapy recently?" 

"No, not for a few months."

"Well that's where you need to start. You need to speak to someone who is impartial to the situation, help them untangle the mess of wires in your brain that have been tangled for so long. You can't rely on just one person to do that for you. Y/n isn't a trained professional, she struggles to get her own brain to switch off let alone switch it off long enough to help switch yours off." 

"She always seemed so at ease and she talks to me so easily. I don't know why I can't do the same."

"She wears a mask Wanda, her smiles are fake, her laughter is not filled with joy as it should be." I bow my head realising now just how much I don't see. "But when she is with you it is all genuine. Wanda you are good for her just as she is good for you. Fight for her, but don't push her."

"Why can't I just open up. Talk to her. It would have made everything so much easier on the both of us."

"Wanda, she may wear a mask, hide how she is feeling. But you have built so many walls in the years of being with Vision that I think you don't even know how to start breaking them down yourself. That's why you need to go back to therapy, you need to be able to regain control of your mind before you commit yourself to helping Y/n. And she needs to do the same. And as for speaking with Y/n, start with small things. It doesn't have to be anything big. Her aim and my aim, our priority is making sure you are comfortable with who you are in your own skin. So start with the small things. Talk about how Vision always got you to do things you didn't want to do using the 'your my wife' card. Or how you are scared of bees yet they fascinate you so much you grow flowers just to see them pollinate." 

"Start with the small things?" 

"Exactly."

"How am I meant to start with the small things when we have so much to talk about today?" 

"Wanda, what did you actually say to her yesterday?" I stay quiet, shaking my head, fiddling with my rings. "Wanda."

"Yeah?"

"What exactly did you say to Y/n that caused her to spend the night elsewhere?" 

"I said she didn't know what it was like to be a mother." 

"Wanda." My stomach drops when I hear and see the disappointment on Nat's face.

"I know okay. It was a disgusting thing to say. And I can't take it back because I've said it now."

"Why did you say it?" Nat's tone is scarily calm, it's making me uncomfortable.

"I don't know."

"Well you must have some sort of idea otherwise you wouldn't have said it." 

"I said I don't know, okay! I have no fucking clue! I have never even thought those words would ever leave my lips, I have never even thought about them. So I don't know why I would!" 

"Well I don't know how to help you with this one if you want even admit it to yourself."

"Admit what?"

"I don't know because you won't tell me."

"Because I don't know myself Natasha! It's all so fucked up in here that I can't possibly think for long enough to try and get to the bottom of it."

"Well you need to figure it out because the excuse 'I don't know' doesn't fly with me and I'm pretty sure it won't fly with Y/n either. She has been nothing but kind, caring and welcoming to you and those boys, and you have practically chucked it in her face. You forgot about her past Wanda. It may have been for a split second, but you forgot and you said those words. I don't know how you will fix this if you can't admit to yourself why you said it. It's unforgivable Wanda."

"I know that. She hasn't forgiven me, in fact I don't want her to forgive me. I don't forgive me." 

"You don't want her to forgive you. Or is that you don't want to have to open up so it's easier to let her hold this against you then letting her break down your walls." 

"I…"

"Let me guess. I don't know." 

"Look, it's difficult for me, okay! Vision was never there. My parents moved away as soon as me and Pietro started our lives at university. Pietro is currently in a fucking coma, and Vision wasn't there for me! He never was! He never cared for me, he never looked after me when I was sick, never took me on dates! He never loved me the way I loved him, I was just a housewife in his eyes! So I stopped caring too! I built up my walls then reinforced them because I had no one! No one! Then I get into this new thing with the most amazingly talented and funny girl I've ever met and he thinks he has a say in my life! He told me he would take the boys away from me if I stayed in such a sinful relationship, he threatened not only me and Y/n. He threatened his own sons! He told me he would take me to court to get them taken away from me, pleading the fact that having two women bring up boys is not right and is not stable for them because they will grow up to be feminine! I...he...he planted the seed." 

I finally come to the realisation. 

I take in a sharp breath taking a step back as I crumble to the cold tiled floor, sliding myself down the counter. I pull my knees to my chest as I breakdown in front of Nat, my sobs echoing around the room as I try to control them to no avail. I hear the stool screech against the floor before seeing Nat join me on the floor as she wraps her arms around my body pulling me against her chest. 

"I've got you. You're okay Wanda, I have you." I grip onto her shirt, my knuckles turning white with the force. "That's what you have to explain to her, okay."

"Hmm?"

"Tell her what you just told me. She will understand Wanda, I know you're scared of allowing yourself to open up. But your relationship will burn to the ground if you're not open and honest with her about these things. So tell her what you just told me, okay?" 

"Okay." I mumble into her shirt as I try to slow down my breathing. 

"Now I'm mad at you for hurting her, I'm mad at her for leaving you last night but I think we both understand why. But I am livid at Vision, he is still causing you harm even after two years apart. You need to find a way to regain control of your life, don't let his words play on your mind for so long. You need to break down those walls you've built but build a protective barrier to protect yourself from Vision. He is a manipulative fucker who, if he steps out of line one more time, is going to have to deal with an angry Russian." 

"I need to talk to Y/n."

"You do. Where is she right now?" I shrug. "You don't know?"

"No. She still hasn't texted me. I'm worried Nat, what if something happened." 

"I'm sure she is fine Wanda."

"How can you know?"

"Because I have seen how much she loves you and love like that you don't let go. She will always find her way back to you."

"Thank you Nat."

"What for?"

"Being the voice of reason and actually calling me out for my shit. No one has done it since Pietro, so I always just shrugged it off and pretended like it didn't exist." 

"I will always call you out on your shit for however long you need me to. I am friends with both you and Y/n, you are a sister to me Wanda. I don't want either of you to get hurt, so if it means having a go at you or her then I will do so happily. Just don't bombarded her when she comes in, I think it's a tough day for her."

"What do you mean?" 

"Uh, nothing." She tries to brush it off by standing up and preparing to make a new set of drinks, but I'm quick to my feet as I look at her.

"No Nat, what do you know that I don't?" She huffs out a breath and bows her head.

"Do you remember the first time me and the girls met Y/n?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you remember me saying I recognised her from somewhere?" 

"Yeah she suggested that it was where she would visit Stark Tower but you said it was something else."

"Well I know where I've seen her before."

"Where?"

"It was an article back in 2017. It was titled. Sarah Stark marries a mystery woman. And there was a paparazzi photo of a brunette in a wedding dress leaving a venue with her arm wrapped through Y/n's arm." 

"Okay, why is that important?" I ask, highly confused about where this is going.

"Because the date of the wedding was the 18th of October 2017."

"What's the date today?" My bottom lip quivering when, not wanting to believe I hurt her at the worst possible I could have ever possibly done.

"It's the 18th."

"It's their anniversary?"

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[anashins]

hello author! :> can i request a jaehyun scenario based on niki’s backburner? it can be very angsty if you want! it’s also up to u if happy ending or not hehe

Pairing: Jaehyun x Reader

Genre: angst, slight fluff

Warnings: mc is in an unhealthy relationship

Word Count: 1k

Summary: You know you have to break up with your boyfriend who made it clear that you're not his priority. But if one good day makes up for seven bad ones, you consider that it might be all worth it in the end.

A/N: This hit wayyyy close to home, wow 🥲 Hope you like it 💖 

“I’m sorry I haven’t called earlier.”

You were currently on your way home from the airport, not having expected Jaehyun to call. In fact, he hadn’t called all week while you had been abroad for a business trip despite you always updating him about your whereabouts and feeding him with pictures of places he had never been to before. It was top tier girlfriend behavior from your stance. You had always been a perfect partner to him.

But, as of now, you didn’t even know what you two were for each other anymore.

“You ignored me for an entire week, Jaehyun,” you said into the phone while carrying your bag and suitcase across the street. “The past two days, I even stopped texting you altogether and you didn’t even care. You didn’t ask how I’ve been, what I was doing… whether I was even still alive!”

You heard him snort into the phone, and that fueled your underlying anger even more that had somehow developed from your pent up frustration. “Come on, y/n. You were with many other people. What should have happened to you?”

It was not the first time that you were leading this conversation and you were tired of going around in circles, which was why you didn’t even decide to argue against his ridiculous excuse. You asked yourself if he would have even noticed had you not returned, had something truly happened to you. And the possible answer drove you to the brink of tears. 

Your silence was an invitation for him to continue with a voice that almost convinced you of his feigned regret, “It was a very busy week for me that also took a toll on my mental health, so I was out with friends a lot. Of course I looked at your photos and appreciated them. How could I not, knowing I have such a beautiful girlfriend? But I was under so much stress and often couldn’t bring up enough strength for daily tasks. I can only apologize again that I made you feel neglected.”

You sighed deeply that he was most likely to hear. Somehow, anger gave way to love again - like always. When you had read his name on your display earlier, your heart had almost jumped out of your chest, that was how happy you had felt to finally get a sign of life from him before rationality settled. 

After all, you still loved him with every fiber of your body. Even though your brain had been telling you to leave, your heart just couldn’t align.

“It’s always like this, Jaehyun,” you brought yourself to say eventually. “Whenever you feel overwhelmed and want to detach from the world, you’re detaching from me too. But it’s somehow always only me who ends up getting shut out by you while you remain in all your other friendships and relationships. And I’m tired of feeling this way, I’m tired of you never letting me in, of being put aside, of getting hurt by your behavior. Please don’t call me anymore. Never again.”

You didn’t know whether it was the newly gained courage of a successful business trip, newly found confidence after doing sightseeing all by yourself or just your brain finally dominating over your heart that had made you say that, but it hurt like hell and you regretted it instantly.

How many times had you found yourself in this position? How many times had you still agreed on working through and ended up at this point still? 

“Well, that’s kind of unfortunate,” Jaehyun spoke. “Because I’m already here.”

The next moment, you found yourself in front of your entrance door and your boyfriend waiting right next to it. Suppressing the urge to drop all your luggage and jump into his arms right away, you approached him reluctantly, your facial expression bland, his beaming with joy on the other hand.

When Jaehyun wrapped his arms around you and welcomed you back, your hands loosely hung to your sides. Had he just forgotten the words you had said a moment ago? And had you forgotten as well when your own arms acted on their own and slowly wandered up his back, your head resting on his shoulder, hugging him tightly?

“I truly mean it.” He pressed a tender kiss on your parting. “I’m so sorry.”

A tear escaped from the corner of your eye, but you swallowed the rest down, not wanting to show weakness in front of him. “I missed you so much.”

No “I missed you too”, no “I love you”, no kiss on the lips as expected, but the happiness you felt being so closely embraced by him again after a week of no contact overshadowed all sane thoughts that swam in the back of your mind. 

“Let’s go upstairs and order some food,” Jaehyun suggested. “I have to get up early for work tomorrow, which was why I couldn’t join my friends for a drink. So I was very lucky to have you back today.”

This was wrong. So, so wrong. But his presence was like a drug, and the thought to go entirely without him from now on hurt so bad, it nearly suffocated you. Perhaps, this was your fate. To quietly suffer the majority of the time just to be happy for a day or two. Didn’t everyone have to pay a price for their happiness? In the end, no one could be happy all the time in a relationship, couldn't they?

Jaehyun walked in front of you into the building while you carried your entire luggage yourself, asking yourself again whether this was all worth it, to be the back burner. Or whether to end it once and for all, feel the pain for only a short time, and then start anew.

But when you found yourself lying in his arms and listening to his regular breathing later that night, you felt so happy again that your heart almost burst, quieting your brain once again.

In the end, it was worth it, being in the back of his mind.

[darkstar225]

Twice's 10th member didn't attend the last concert of the tour (sike)

A/N: Heyyy, I'm coming up with a lot of stuff for you guys so I can make up for the time I'm gone lol! Sry for taking so long to post :D I hope that my sweet friend AnonymousKetchup who gave me this idea on Wattpad likes it!

The request: Hi there. I'm one of your readers. Your stories were so great. If you don't mind, I would like to make a request? This is my first time to make a request to an author btw So twice held a concert wherein their maknae didn't attended because of a mental health issue. All members were so sad about it especially mina because y/n was her gaming buddy. But after the concert, when they got back to the green room, they saw their precious maknae waiting for them happily. They were all stunned and y/n said that she watched and cheered for her unnies at the vip section without them knowing it. And yeah, they missed her and made a group hug at the end. Thank you and have a great day author <3 (A/N: Tysm for this lovely message, it made my day! :D)

PS: Tysm for everyone who reads what I write, I hope I can bring a smile to your faces every time I post! I'd like to thank whoever sent me this idea 'cause I loved to write it <3

__________________________________________________________

The final concert of TWICE's tour was a grand spectacle, filling the massive arena with an electric atmosphere. Fans from all over the world had gathered to witness the K-pop sensation perform their last show, and the energy was palpable. But among the nine members of TWICE, there was a noticeable absence... Y/N, the 10th and youngest member, was not in attendance.

Y/N had been a pillar of strength for the group, always smiling and supporting her unnies during their performances. However, her own battles with mental health had taken a toll, and she had made the difficult decision to skip the last concert to focus on her well-being. Her absence weighed heavily on the members, but they understood and respected her choice.

Among them, Mina was particularly affected by the maknae's absence. The pair had shared a special bond as gaming buddies, spending countless hours playing their favourite video games together. Y/N's lack of presence left a void in Mina's heart, and she couldn't help but feel a deep sense of sadness.

As the concert reached its climax and TWICE delivered an electrifying performance, the members couldn't help but think of their precious maknae. Nayeon, Jeongyeon, Momo, Sana, Jihyo, Mina, Dahyun, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu danced their hearts out on stage, but there was a bittersweet feeling in the air. The absence of one member was strongly felt.

After the final encore, the exhausted members made their way backstage. Their emotions were a mix of elation at the successful tour and the sadness of missing Y/N. Mina, in particular, felt a heavy weight on her shoulders.

Once they were in the green room, the mood remained sombre. Mina had tears in her eyes as she thought of her gaming partner and dear sister. The other members shared her sadness and concern for their maknae's well-being.

Mina decided to voice her feelings, her voice trembling with emotion. 

Mina - I really missed Y/N tonight. She's always been there for us, and I wish she could have been here for our last concert.

The other members nodded in agreement. 

Jeongyeon - Our dongsang means so much to us, and her absence was deeply felt tonight. We hope she's taking care of herself.

Just as they were discussing Y/N's absence, the door to the green room suddenly swung open, and there stood their beloved maknae, a bright smile on her face. The members' eyes widened in shock and joy as they rushed to her, enveloping her in a group hug.

Momo - Baby! You're here!

Momo exclaimed with tears of happiness in her eyes.

The youngest laughed, her eyes glistening with tears as well. 

Y/N - I couldn't miss our last concert. I watched and cheered for you from the VIP section without you knowing it.

Mina, in particular, was overjoyed to see her gaming buddy and little sister. She pulled Y/N into a tight hug. 

Mina - I missed you so much, darling.

The younger girl returned the hug just as tightly. 

Y/N - I missed you too, Mina unnie.

The green room was filled with laughter and tears as the members reunited with their precious maknae. Y/N's presence brought a sense of completeness to the group, and they were overwhelmed with happiness.

Nayeon wiped away a tear and spoke with warmth in her voice. 

Nayeon - We're so glad you're here, love. We were worried about you.

Y/N - I know, and I appreciate your concern. I needed to take some time for myself, but I couldn't miss the opportunity to support you on this special day. *smiling*

Sana - You're our strength, honey. We're so proud of you for taking care of yourself. *kisses her cheek*

Dahyun - And you'll always have our support, just like you've supported us all these years. *kisses other cheek*

As the hours passed, they found themselves in a circle, arms wrapped around each other, sharing a heartfelt group hug. Y/N was in the centre, feeling the warmth and love of her unnies surrounding her.

Jeongyeon, with tears in her eyes, spoke for all of them.

Jeongyeon - We missed you, kiddo. You're irreplaceable in our hearts.

Chaeyoung - And we're so grateful to have you back with us.

The maknae's heart swelled with love and happiness. She knew that her journey to better mental health would be ongoing, but she also knew that she had the unwavering support of her fellow members, her second family. 

Tzuyu, who had been quieter throughout the evening, spoke up with a soft smile. 

Tzuyu - Sis, you mean so much to all of us. We're here for you, no matter what, and we'll continue to support you on your journey.

Jihyo, their leader, who had been watching her kid with a motherly gaze, stepped forward and gently cupped the girl's face. 

Jihyo - You're such a strong and precious maknae, sweetheart. We're so proud of you for taking care of yourself, and we promise to be here every step of the way.

TWICE's sunshine's eyes sparkled with gratitude and love. 

Y/N - Thank you, Jihyo omma. Thank you all for being my strength and my family.

As the night continued, the members shared stories, laughter, and an abundance of food, making up for the meals Y/N had missed. The atmosphere was filled with joy, as they realized that no matter what challenges they faced, they would overcome them together.

Mina, in particular, was overjoyed to have her gaming buddy back. 

Mina - Cutie pie, we have so much gaming to catch up on!

Said girl chuckled, her smile radiant. 

Y/N - I can't wait, Mina. Get ready to lose!

Their playful banter filled the room, and the members knew that they were back to their usual selves. The youngest's return had not only brightened the evening but also rekindled their spirits.

As the night came to an end, they all settled down, feeling content and closer than ever. Y/N lay her head on Jihyo's chest, and Nayeon held Mina's hand. They were a family, united in love and resilience, ready to face whatever the future held.

Momo yawned, breaking the peaceful silence. 

Momo - I think it's time to get some rest, everyone. We have a lot of memories to make together.

As they all agreed, they knew that no matter what challenges awaited them, they were stronger together. Y/N had brought a sense of completeness to the group, and they were ready to face the world with renewed determination.

One by one, they drifted off to sleep, with the maknae feeling the warmth and love of her unnies surrounding her. In their embrace, she found a profound sense of peace and belonging, knowing that she was not alone in her struggles. They were a family, and as she looked at her unnies, she had only one thought in mind:

I’ll love my dear older sisters forever.

A/N: I’m sorry for any errors. English is not my first language. Pls, let me know if there is something wrong, ty for reading <3

[slut4menig]

Max verstappen x fem! reader - angst, major fluff

Word count - 1.3k

TW! Self harm talk, panic attacks, mental health

CW! Smut ish

if you’re struggling, you can always dm me, please get help, you are not alone and do not read this if you feel as thought you’re being triggered. I used to go through this and the idea of a character helping me through it calmed me down so i hope that does the same for you.

TW UNDER THE CUT

Max and I closed the gap between our mouths, tongues battling for dominance as he grabbed my wrists and pinned them and myself down on the bed, I moaned as he lifted up my shirt and took off his. His tongue went down from my neck to my chest, then he unclasped my bra and started swirling his tongue around my nipples, smirking as he played with them.

“Such a pretty girl, taking it so well” he grinned looking up at me. I was gasping for more, trying to speak but unable to, he left his spit all down me creating hickeys. 

“M-max” I let out softly, “you’re doing so well schat” he comforted me peppering kisses on my waistline, teasing me, my panties getting wetter by the second. 

“Max do something please!” he himself couldn’t wait, rock-hard erection facing my way, he gave in with the teasing. 

Max and I met at my older brother daniels house a year ago, we started dating around 3 months ago but I always felt like it was the wrong time as he was my first and I really wanted it to go slow. 

He used both of his hands and spread my legs apart, taking off my jeans. He was about to take off my underwear when he suddenly stopped. I looked down, confused and then that’s when it hit me.

I hadn’t even thought about it until now. I am so stupid, I quickly got up and grasped onto my jeans which were on the floor. Hot tears were running down my face, he looked at me with a face of guilt. 

“y/n... You know I saw it right” he mentioned looking down at my thighs to see the recent cuts, I felt my throat close up as I just stared at him. 

“I’m sorry” I muttered with all I could. 

“y/n, please don’t cry we are going to get through this together, please just come here.” he held his arms out and embraced me, letting me cry into his shoulder silently. It was nice, nice to have someone who cared about me, someone who loved me.

“Let me run you a bath, I am going to the store, I will be back soon,” The dutch said as I looked up, smudged mascara leaking down my face. I nodded, I was so lucky. 

time skip 5 min

Max had put on the bath at the hottest temperature which he knows I love, he had folded my pyjamas next to my bed leaving them there for me to soon come back after my bath. He put on a candle and kissed my forehead.

“ik ben zo terug schat” (I will be back soon sweetheart) 

I hopped in the bath. A million thoughts flooded my mind as he left. How could I let him find out, he probably left for good, he saw how ugly I was underneath my clothes. I probably need to go on a diet. For fucks sake he's an f1 driver, I don’t even know how I’m with him. I started breathing at an unnormal pace when I heard someone barge in. I couldn’t breathe, I looked at max and then curled up putting my head into my hands. 

“Schat you’re okay” max held my hand and sat on the bathroom floor comforting me. He’s too good for me. God must have really been enjoying life the day we ended up together. I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. His ocean blue eyes. They were like a sea, I could get lost in them, and they always made me feel safe as if I were home. I love him, oh my god, I love him. 

We hadn’t said it to each other yet, I just realised, I was deeply in love with the man sitting here right next to me, watching a naked me in the bathtub trying to not have a panic attack. Only someone who loves you would do that.

“Come here, get up” Max gestured. He held my hands out and lifted me out, tilting my head up with his fingers. He grabbed a warm towel off the rack and dried me off. I put on my pyjamas and walked out of the bathroom to find a candle-lit room, aircon blasting on full, tv on ready to put on the grinch and a bunch of my favourite chocolates along with a cake mix. 

“If you’re feeling up to it we can bake a cake and I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie or show of your choice. I also got you a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and red and green Christmas-themed sprinkles even though it’s September just how you like it.” he pointed to the mug on the table.

I was speechless, I don’t think anyone had done something like this for me before. I jumped on him pushing him on to the bed grinning. “You’re perfect”

I jumped under the covers, grabbing the 10 massive blocks of chocolate he got me as I offered him one and he declined.

I tilted my head and then realised due to his job he had a daily calorie limit. 

“Fuck the diet max, it doesn’t even matter,” I said, suddenly he tried to protest opening his mouth and so I shoved a piece of chocolate straight into his mouth. He looked enraged as if he wanted to spit it out but then he started smiling going in for more.

I put on an old Christmas movie that was based on german folklore it was called Krampus and I watched it every Christmas.

“Do you wanna talk about it? The scars?” max asked 

“I don’t really like to talk about it but I just feel like I can never stop, I always tell myself it will just be one more time, I just always doubt myself and I don't know why”

“I used to struggle with it y/n, I know this amazing therapist and promise me that you will allow me to get you help.” he held up his pinky finger

“I promise” I smiled

2 HOUR TIME SKIP

The movie ended and it was 3 am, I looked up, and max was playing with my hair. “Why do you like me?” I asked, the nighttime adrenaline making me say things.

“Are you kidding y/n?” Max scoffed, I felt afraid, did he not like that I’d asked? There was an awkward silence for a minute.

“I love the way you belt out your heart to songs, I love your smile, I love the way you dance whenever Taylor swift comes on and you sing songs about heartbreak right in front of me, I love how you always cheat when we play monopoly and say because you’re the bak manager you can rob the bank, I love how much you care when animals die in movies, I love how you play with my hair when we fall asleep, I love how you always think of other, I love how you dress, I love you cookies, I love your music taste, I love when you play supermax in the car on full volume, I love how you hate my dad, I love you speak your mind, I love how you read fanfiction about me infront of me, I love how you listen to the issues i have, I love when you get in my f1 car and talk about how you will beat me, I love how you think that if we have a family you want the child to be like me, I love… you.” Max let out.

Tears welled up in my eyes, “I love you too”

He kissed me softly and hugged me. 

I love Max Verstappen.

[luveline]

a special friend, part two [Fred Weasley, George Weasley x reader]

tags: reader-insert, platonic relationships, friendship, can be read as romantic for either or both, hurt/comfort, mental health issues, implied/referenced self-harm, dissociation, quiet reader, shy reader, sad reader

relationships: fred weasley x reader, george weasley x reader

wordcount: 3.2k

read part one here

The common room was always so clean. The house-elves must work themselves half to death with effort, as you never saw a hair or speck of dust where there ought not to be one. The small refreshment table filled and refilled through every new day and the fireplace was always roaring on cold winter nights. It was especially cold that evening, and so the members of Gryffindor house benefited from a crackling fire and hot chocolate coming out of the ears.

You basked in the warmth of the flame, sitting cross-legged before it. A cup of hot chocolate cooled in between your hands, which were both laden with bandaids and germolene. Fred and George’s orders, of course. You were not to scratch, bite or mess in any detrimental way with your hands, arms or skin. If you did, you were to report to them for immediate bandaging.

At first, they’d simply been spelling each wound away. This had an opposite effect, as the freshly healed skin was perfect for picking whenever your mood turned - which was often. You found yourself blinded and basked in the light of being cared for by others, and although you may have preferred complete autonomy over your own body, you couldn’t say you minded the attentiveness of the twins. They’d made it their personal mission to prevent any self-harm, accidental or purposeful. You weren’t sure you even knew the difference half the time.

A quiet had settled over the room. It seemed as though each red and gold student was content to breathe in the smell of chestnut and pine in peaceful, companionable silence. You found yourself smiling kindly at each person who looked your way. You couldn’t imagine having done that before you had become acquainted with the twins.

Acquainted was a word you used to protect yourself. Friendly was too confident, too firm. You sometimes dreamt of horror stories where you, confident and comfortable, admitted how much you cared for them. In these dreams, they laughed in your face. Poked fun at your hope.

Of course, Fred and George weren’t cruel. If they felt that way, they certainly wouldn’t rub it in your face or make you feel embarrassed about it. But some shame never went away, and you carried it like an ever-burning torch.

Despite the pleasant warmth of the room, chills racked your spine at the thought. You pushed it from your head, attempting to think of anything else. You traced a pattern through the braided strands of the rug you were lazing upon, first the flames of a bonfire towering ten feet tall, then a mirror of the powdered sugar landscape outside.

Two warm bodies settled in the carpet on either side of you. A long arm wrapped around your shoulders confidently. The floral scent of your perfume mingled with the strong scent of burning caramel and something woody, the signature fragrance of the Weasley twins.

George moved first, plonking a stuffed toy into your lap. He positioned the neck carefully so that the teddy bear was sat as comfortable as you were.

“For you,” said Fred.

“An early Christmas gift,” George added.

The bear was spotted unusually like some sort of hybrid creature. You wondered where they could possibly have acquired such an artefact.

“We saw him and thought of you,” they said together.

That was rich. And maybe correct. After all, it was a weird looking plushie and you weren’t exactly renowned for your normality. You didn’t say much, simply handing off your cold drink to George without so much as a sideways glance and brought the bear to your face. You grazed your nose against its brown stomach and inhaled, breathing in its clean scent.

Both twins were used to the general quietness that came with your presence and didn’t pressure any response. You knew you should’ve said thank you, or even smiled gratefully, but you just couldn’t make your mouth move the way you wanted. You placed your hand on each brothers leg and applied the barest amount of pressure, hoping it showed gratitude.

“Well, I’m starving.”

“I’m so glad you said so, my brother.”

“Yes, I’m craving something savory, Gred.”

“Something juicy, Forge.”

“Such as?”

You looked between them like a muggle attending a tennis match, back and forth and back and forth. They ran circles around you for their own enjoyment, you assumed, but maybe also to make you feel more included.

“Y/N, fancy a trek to the kitchens?”

Before you could say no, or yes, or make up your mind and decide what it was you wanted to do, your stomach growled. Fred grinned wickedly.

They ushered you out of the portrait hole and down the stairs without preamble, flanking your sides like bodyguards. You didn’t mind, taking time to smile at the castle ghosts and portraits as you went.

The twins shot each other looks when they thought you couldn’t see. One said, how do you think she is? Another said, I think she’s however you think she is. Both said, she seems okay today.

It would feel a little patronizing if it weren’t so foreign - to have people care about your well-being so deeply they made changes to their day to see you and went out of their way to make you feel good; you’d find it condescending if it wasn’t so delightful.

That is to say, you felt conflicted. Happy that somebody cared, ashamed that they also felt concerned. They worried over everything these days, what you ate and what classes you had and oh, ghostie, do you need help with that? Y/N, sweetheart, let me carry that for you, lest your arms grow too tired.

It was… nice. It was nice, even if it was painful. Sometimes, it reminded you why you didn’t allow yourself the pleasure of friendship in the first place.

You hummed to yourself. Making sound had become a little easier. You weren’t inclined to say a whole lot, but allowing yourself to be louder, to take up space, had come easier the longer you spent with them. Neither Fred nor George minded if you huffed after too many stairs or if you clicked gobstones together at the foot of their beds.

The song was one of those cheesy Christmas numbers you’d heard on the radio. It was warm and comforting, bringing tears to your eyes if you thought about it too much. George slipped into song with you easily, humming much more loudly and obnoxiously. Fred just grinned to himself, keeping dutiful watch of the corridors.

You bubbled like a shaken can of coke by the time you arrived at the painting that enclosed the kitchen doorway, feeling too happy for your own good. Despite feeling very hungry, not a lick of fatigue or unhappiness tinged your mood, though the fuzzy numbness of every day threatened your well-being if you stopped to think too long.

The door swung open obediently after your half-hearted tickle insisted upon by the boys.

“What do you feel like, Y/N, sweet or savoury? There’s bound to be something you’ll fancy,” George said.

You held in a grimace. There were lots of things you wanted to try, the kitchens smelled like so many amazing things. The cloying smells of jam and treacle and custard, the hearty scents of gravy and roast dinner. It was too bad, then, that most everything you ate tasted stale. For years, your tastebuds had been slacking. During your worst days, food held no taste at all, resulting in your decreased appetite.

A tingling began in your fingers. You didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, how to convey that you didn’t really feel up to anything at all. You knew they would protest as they always did when you didn’t eat.

“Bread,” you managed. Bread was a safe choice. Dense enough to feel filling, easy to keep down, and bland to begin with.

Both boys were frowning but trying not to at your choice.

George moved forward, catching the attention of a harrowed looking house elf. They conversed with familiarity and soon you were being beckoned to a table that was relatively clear. Within minutes you were surrounded by bread, crusty rolls and sliced sourdough.

George casually nudged a bowl of tomato soup in your direction.

The surface shined with grease. It even had a swirl of cream and a sprig of basil afloat.

He looked at you, eyes pleading.

“You too,” you said.

This appeased him. The boys sat across from you with their own bowls, eating in the horrific way that teenage boys do. By the time they’d finished, you’d managed half of your own meal and two slices of bread. The nausea you experienced from just existing was starting to build, accompanied by the disappointment of your bland meal. You’d hoped an improved mood would help your appetite, but you still felt unsatisfied.

The boys grabbed a passing plate of tarts and ice cream.

Your good mood was wearing thin. You bit down on the tip of your thumb and stared at the grain of the table.

You bit down harder.

“Hey. Hey! Don’t do that,” Fred said, reaching forward as if to grab your hand. You pushed it under the table.

George pushed the plate of confectionary closer to you. “Chew on one of these instead, hm?”

You took it all back - this was patronising. Lovely and thoughtful and very, excruciatingly patronising.

You didn’t want to say no, or push it away, or eat anything else or even laugh it off. You wanted to do nothing. You lay your head down on the table, closing your eyes. You caught a murmur or two between them, though you couldn’t make out the words with your ear pressed so hard against the wood and the other covered by your falling hair. The table was smooth and cool under your skin.

A chair scraped against the floor. Footsteps. A broad hand against your back.

“You’re like a steam train running out of coal sometimes.”

You knew he was hoping for a response, a joke, a sign you’d been cheered up.

Through slow blinks, you could make out his face. Endlessly amused and a little sad, framed by the candlelight. He was beautiful, you thought absently. They were both beautiful.

“You okay?” he said quietly.

“Mm,”

“Mm? Is mm a yes or a no?”

“Mm,”

“Alright,” he said, rubbing a soothing path up between your shoulder blades and down again. It would’ve been dizzying if you could think straight, it made the numbness a little woozy. You preened beneath his touch like a pleased cat, feeling the unhappiness melt just a little.

It was crazy how affection could make you feel better, even if it didn’t always solve the problem.

Embarrassed, you mumbled, “you’re going to kill me.”

Fred smiled. “How so?”

“You’re fattening me up like a lamb to slaughter.”

He didn’t quite laugh, huffing through his nose. He really was very handsome up close. His hair was curling at just below his ears, a lush auburn colour that complemented his pale, freckle adorned skin. His eyes were a heart-melting brown so that his pupils were lost. The look he gave you was searing like he knew exactly what you were thinking about him. Your ears were tinged with heat, cheeks filling with colour.

He retracted his hand.

“Wrap some of those up, Georgie. Ghostie needs her bed.”

“It shall be done, brother mine!”

You smiled despite yourself.

-

For your birthday, the twins had gifted you a simple necklace. The chain was silver, reaching to just below your collar bone. It had no charm or jewel. It was perfect.

It helped you sometimes when you felt out of it to run it between two fingers or tug it gently from left to right, feeling the chain links rolling behind your neck.

You’d tried that, among every other coping mechanism drilled into your head by George and Fred over the past few weeks. You drew circles were you wanted to scratch, put plasters over fingertips you wanted to pick at. You took big breaths and did the stretches George insisted on. You even tried getting a full night’s sleep - nothing worked.

It filled you with guilt. You felt as though you were letting them both down by struggling.

You stared out the window of the dormitory at the sky, moonlight spilling onto your skin and staining your clothes a gauzy silver. You’d read once that sometimes when the planets were in rotation, you could see them as though they were as close as the moon.

This didn’t seem right to you. How could Mars seem so close? It was an optical illusion. The planets revolved around the sun, but humans had once thought they revolved around Earth instead.

It must’ve been a very strange experience to realise you weren’t as important as you thought. The Earth was just the Earth, spinning and wobbling its path through space.

You shook your head, feeling lost. It was ridiculous to project your feelings on the solar system. But still, you couldn’t help but feel like, despite its inhabitants and its systems, the Earth was so lonely.

Your necklace began to grow cold until it was almost like ice against your skin. One of the twins, or maybe both, had charmed it to change temperature. Cold usually meant, ‘Ghostie, you awake?’

You cringed against the sensation. Why couldn’t they booty call you like normal young men, throwing stones at your window with a boom box? Or, for merlin’s sake, an owl?

You grumbled to yourself, throwing the fleece blanket from your body. You were hardly dressed for company in knickers and a tank top, so you threw on a grey zip-up jacket and a pair of pyjama shorts that were hardly any better than the knickers. Luckily the jacket hung past the shorts. You wanted to care that you were dressed scantily, really, but the boys wouldn’t care and you didn’t have it in you to find something else.

You trekked down the stairs, your trainer socks slippery against the well-worn wood. Fred stretched languidly in front of the fireplace, a pack of exploding snap cards and a mountain of chocolate frogs beside him whilst George was sitting much more straight-backed on the sofa.

“I’m cold,” you said, announcing your arrival. The redheads turned to look at you over their shoulders. Fred rolled his eyes at you and flicked his wand. The necklace slowly heated until it was pleasantly warm against your collarbones.

You clambered over the back of the sofa with little grace, folding your knees underneath you and leaning heavily against George’s arm. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

“If I were a lesser man, I’d ask where your bottoms were, Y/L/N,” said Fred, shuffling the cards dexterously.

You raised your jacket wordlessly, exposing your bottoms.

“Wouldn’t you know, they were there the whole time.”

“You assumed the same as me, George.”

George didn’t reply, though his expression said he was similarly embarrassed.

“And do you always let girls you presume to be half-naked climb all over you?” you asked.

“So talkative,” George chastened.

“Don’t change the subject! I’m interested in the answer,” said Fred.

“Oh shove off! You insufferable tyrants.”

Ah, so he knows how it feels now, you thought. You looked up into his face, the line of his jaw.

You looked down at your legs, feeling fatigued. Smooth stretches of skin and fine hair interrupted only by thin white lines. The low light made them almost impossible to see. They shined like silver when you moved, caught by the light of a nearby candle. They felt a lifetime away now when a young you had used pins and quills and little carving knives to punish yourself for bad behaviour.

You traced a slightly thicker one with a pointed fingernail. You pushed it nastily into the scar, but it didn’t hurt.

You sighed.

Fred and George were half arguing about something you didn’t catch, Fred through a mouthful of chocolate.

It was hard, always being miserable. People often criticized the moody for ruining the mood, but it wasn’t as if you could choose how to be. You wanted to wake each day and be happy and entertaining and absurdly good-natured, like the twins. It was an abject cruelty, then, that every day you woke up and felt the immeasurable dread of continuing on another day. Not even magic could help you with that.

You rejected Fred’s offer to play, happy to sit and watch the boys play. You let yourself slide into the space George had vacated, curling into a tight ball. Your stomach hurt.

Godric, there was always something fucking wrong with you.

You were frustrated. The boys could tell. Their game of snap was stretched thin, and you knew it was your fault. You wrinkled your nose at the smell of singed hair, restless. You squirmed against the warm leather under your skin, feeling sticky and out of sorts.

You closed your eyes against the aching and slept.

You woke up crying.

Fred shifted in his sleep. He was leaning against your legs, his hair and face smushed into the leather beneath you. George was facedown in the carpet. You pressed a hand to your mouth to muffle any sound.

The clock on the wall read 4 minutes past 4 o’clock in the morning. You’d only managed an hour and a half of sleep.

You couldn’t remember what you’d been dreaming. Maybe somewhere familiar. Faces you recognized. It didn’t matter, only the feeling of being crushed by the air. You reached out without thinking, grabbing Fred’s shoulder.

He roused gracelessly, blinking through squinted eyes at you. A hard sob rocked you to the core, the feeling of breathlessness sinking deep into your chest.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurting?”

You couldn’t answer. You grasped for his arm, begging him to do something, to save you. You felt as though you were going to run out of air.

“Hey, you’re alright. You’re okay. Let’s breathe, should we? Breathe with me.” He grabbed the hand you’d pushed over your mouth and brought it to his chest. You could feel him take a huge inhale and you tried your best to replicate it.

“Good! That’s good. You’re doing so well.” Another big breath, a long exhale.

“You feel that? The leather under you.” He grabbed your free hand and put it on the seat. “Feels weird, huh? Dimples and wrinkles.” He dragged your hand over the texture repeatedly.

A big breath.

Eventually, your breathing returned. The crying stayed.

“Don’t cry, ghost.”

You frowned. It was odd to be looking down at Fred instead of up. He pressed your hand tighter to his chest.

“Bad dream?”

“Don’t remember,” you whispered.

“It was just a dream. You’re okay. I promise.”

George snored. Fred rolled his eyes. You laughed through the tears, blinking the last of them away.

“Go back to sleep. I’ll be here.”

You knew he was telling the truth.