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thefirst3chapters · 2 months

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What do you think about how some fans say it would be weird if rory and jess were together because luke and lorelai are now married? Wondering if this could’ve been the actual reason why they didn’t get to end up together as part of gg canon…

This ask arrived at an opportune time because I already had a draft post about this very topic! Lots of rambling ahead:

I really don't think we as the audience are meant to see Luke and Lorelai's marriage as a decisive obstacle for Rory and Jess possibly being together. The main defenses of Literati that I've seen others bring up regarding this concern are that Rory and Jess aren't genetically related and didn't grow up as relatives, and they dated before Luke and Lorelai did. Something else that probably makes being "step-cousins" essentially a non-issue is that there were numerous opportunities for the characters to see this as a problem, but they never did.

Throughout S2/3, Luke supports Rory and Jess's relationship (even enthusiastically so!) while he is pining for Lorelai.

At the end of S4, when Luke has just had the epiphany that he's ready to let Lorelai know how he feels, he eagerly listens to Jess's disastrous "I love you" story and gives him encouraging advice, and Jess witnesses Luke and Lorelai attending Liz and TJ's wedding together and seems happy about it. Neither Luke nor Jess appear to be troubled by the fact that they're both in love with a Gilmore girl.

When Luke and Lorelai start dating, Rory and Jess's previous relationship is never mentioned as an obstacle.

In S6, the infamous Truncheon kiss happens when Luke and Lorelai are engaged to be married, but that doesn't seem to be a concern for Rory and Jess at all, and the scene is completely focused on other problems.

In AYITL, when Luke asks Jess about being "over that," one of them could've said something to the effect of everything working out for the best in this regard if the writers wanted to imply that being step-cousins would impede any chance of a future relationship. Instead of that, though, we get the implication that "it's never over."

There's definitely potential for some awkwardness, but the characters' history suggests that this family link probably wouldn't be that big of a scandal for any of them.

As I've seen other people discuss here, it seems like maybe Rory was never intended to end up with any romantic partner at the end of the show because the central relationship is always Lorelai and Rory's, and the long-planned "last four words" are dialogue that they share and are focused on the "full circle" theme. ASP has expressed some disappointment that audiences focus so much on Rory's romantic life, which perhaps also suggests that the writers didn't want to finish the series with Rory in a relationship. In this Time interview (link) from right before AYITL was released, she said:

The fact that people love them and are excited about them is great. It’s just such a small part of who Rory is. I don’t see people debating “What newspaper is Rory’s working for?” “Did she win a Pulitzer yet?” It’s all about Dean and Jess. Dean was 16 years old when they dated. Everybody should go back and think about their boyfriend at 16 and then reevaluate whether that should be the focus of the conversation.

(That's kind of interesting considering what happens in AYITL. Rory is burned out and grasping at straws professionally, and there's limited mentions of what's been going on with her career in the interim years. Unlike Rory's forgotten boyfriend Paul, who presumably met Rory more recently than her OS boyfriends, Jess and Logan are both key players in the narrative and are both implied to have a significant role in Rory's future, but I digress...)

So anyway, I think there's plenty of hope that Rory and Jess could still end up together even with Luke and Lorelai being married. Thank you for the ask!

#gilmore girls #literati #thefirst3chapters asks #There's a couple on General Hospital right now that shares two half-siblings (both with different parents) and it's not seen as a problem #So maybe soap operas have influenced my opinion on this but it just doesn't seem that out of the ordinary

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leesh · 4 years

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because i have zero self control when it comes to christmas films and, well, cheesy christmas films are #life.

basically, i have developed a collection of favourites over the years, including both classic christmas films that are fun for the whole family and terrible, dripping with all our favourite favourite cliches hallmark christmas films, and yet i am still always on the hunt for more. so, i thought i would try a little thing to share them with everyone else as well (and actually remember them for future reference)!

check out the tag here i will try and remember to use as i live blog some of these movies or head on down below the cut to see all of the christmas films i’ve watched in 2020. thoughts and star ratings included! as expected, i will also be updating this as i watch more and more this holiday season (follow along on twitter too if you want).

note: since i LOVE terrible hallmark films, some that i give a higher rating will not actually be......critically acclaimed. i am just #obsessed and have my reasons as stated, i’m sure.

holidate (2020)

⭐️⭐️| first time watch | someone on letterboxd compared this movie to when you watch a rom com in sims and it’s just a bunch of random scenes that make no sense and they’re absolutely right. its only saviour is an australian dude and the line “so you know me well enough to cum in my mouth, but you don’t know me well enough to get me a christmas present?”

my christmas inn (2018)

⭐️⭐️| first time watch | i’ll be honest, this film was pretty forgetful. i watched it over a month ago and don’t really remember what happened. however, i do remember being impressed that the leading lady wasn’t a stereotypical thin white woman. so i guess at least it has that going for it.

christmas made to order (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️| first time watch | i actually thought this was pretty cute. it’s not the best, but also not the worst, so a decent medium if you need to fill up those figurative christmas stockings. the concept of hiring someone to decorate your entire house with no budget sounds pretty cool, but when the guy is aaron samuels and looks far from straight, it becomes a little questionable.

last christmas (2019)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | now this is not a cheesy hallmark film. in fact, i LOVE this film a lot and think i saw it twice at the cinema. last christmas is a top tier christmas song and i remember theorising about it when the trailer first came out, but i will say tissues may be a requirement to watch this. AND henry golding is my husband thank u and goodbye.

operation christmas drop (2020)

⭐️| first time watch | interesting concept in theory, but this is nothing more than US military propaganda and a cgi lizard. bonus: white saviourism.

the knight before christmas (2019)

⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | a medieval knight transported into today’s world and has never seen a car before can drive better than me. that’s it. that’s the movie. also, he literally says the words “modern technology is lit af” at one point. solid christmas film if you ask me.

the princess switch (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | i strongly believe in the vhcncu (vanessa hudgens christmas netflix cinematic universe). i also have so many questions, like how did they afford the flights or solid conversation or was it all expenses paid? how did they finish a bulk of the cake without a mixer? why does everyone always speak english with a posh english accent even though it’s a non-english european country?

the princess switch: switched again (2020)

⭐️⭐️| if we learnt anything from a christmas prince, it’s that sequels are generally never better than their predecessor. that being said, this was much less cute body swapping christmas fluff and a little more literal kidnapping and saving the day. either way, blonde vanessa was hot and i appreciated the amber/richard cameo that insinuates a christmas prince is actually a dramatic documentary.

midnight at the magnolia (2020)

⭐️⭐️| now if you’re after an absolute cheesefest that ticks the boxes on best friends meets fake dating over the holidays, then this is the movie for you! albeit it takes place between christmas and new year’s, it’s still filled with their families knowing they were soulmates the whole time and two people who are a literal too comfortable on the radio. also, the dad’s totally should’ve been gay. they had more chemistry.

christmas wonderland (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️| tbh, i genuinely enjoyed this one. post breakup/high school sweethearts is a personal favourite trope of mine, so throw christmas & being forced to spend time together when she goes back home into the mix and i’ll have a serotonin explosion. bonus points for the guy telling the girl to go back to nyc to follow her dreams without being a dick. OH and the scene when he points a fuck load of sugar in his hot beverage.

a wish for christmas (2016)

⭐️⭐️| who doesn’t love a good office romance between a boss and an employee at christmastime? especially when you throw in a little christmas magic that makes her more confident that results in her finally getting what she deserves and having to travel and rekindle with his family? also, fuck them rich white dudes, but props to her for the significant job promotion.

christmas with a prince (2018)

⭐️| this was TERRIBLE and not in the good way. it featured: an entitled prince who suddenly had growth even though he did nothing to achieve it, majority of the film set in one hospital room, and the fact that she’s the only one with a tiara at the party filled with people who actually have titles. also, thought there was a decent ending but turns out there was still another 30 mins to go. ugh.

a royal christmas engagement (2020)

⭐️| don’t be fooled by the title. the engagement doesn’t happen til the last two minutes. it’s actually about a prince (bet you didn’t see that one coming) who travels to america, pretending to be his best friend who works for this major marketing firm because he’s tired of being the spare. this gets one star purely for the line “she’s not a commoner, patrick. she’s an american.”

christmas wedding planning (2017)

⭐️⭐️| it looked like it would be half decent, and while it’s definitely better than the last two, it was still pretty eh. i could get on board with her texting her dead mother’s number as a way to talk to her still, and i understand we all experience grief differently, but.....actively paying your mums phone bill 3 years later? girl. also, the end made me SCREAM. WHY DID THEY DO THAT!!!!

santa girl (2019)

⭐️| this was just painful to watch. evil jack frost makes memes in his free time, santa has a fancy car and doesn’t eat sweets, and there’s an odd comparison between the elves, minimum age workers, and racism. however, one star purely for the entertaining (read: bloody awful) tooth fairy cgi that gave me a right laugh.

the christmas chronicles (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️| this was really cute and had the makings of what could be a christmas movie staple along with the likes of elf and the santa clause (but will never reach that standard, obvs). tbh, it’s just a nice heartwarming family christmas movie about two siblings who band together to help santa and save christmas. also, santa was a #dilf.

the christmas chronicles: part two (2020)

⭐️⭐️| one of these days i would love to see a sequel that’s better, or at least on par, with its predecessor, but that day is not today. sadly, this film lacked all the heart and magic the first one was filled with and some scenes were pretty redundant. kurt russell and goldie hawn, however... one star for each of them.

forever christmas / mr. 365 (2019)

⭐️⭐️| the title varies depending where you’re from, but that’s probably the most exciting part of this movie. a guy celebrates christmas 365 days a year and a reality show wants to invade his house? ok, sure. one star for the eye candy and one star for, surprisingly enough, their chemistry and all the kissing scenes that don’t usually make the mark in the hallmark world.

noelle (2019)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| did i renew disney plus just so i could watch this (and a couple of others)? maybe so... this movie is so fun! and family friendly! and is actually funny! it gives me major elf vibes, but if elf was set in a more modern day setting. either way, i had a great time and have been holding out on this one after loving it a lot last year!

the nutcracker and the four realms (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| anything nutcracker related is an instant win in my book because it’s my favourite ballet of all time (except for graeme murphy’s version, we don’t talk about that). does this movie actually deserve the four stars? maybe not. am i going to give them anyway purely for my love of the nutcracker and the soundtrack? absolutely!

#leeshmas2k20 #no one probably cares but i just thought it would be fun!#might actually post these on letterboxd too

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probably-writing-x · 5 years

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Out of love (Part 1)

Guzmán x Reader

Not my gif

Let me know if you’d want to see Part 2

Summary - Guzmán has faced a lot over the past year, and you’d always been by his side through it all. It was a given. But there’s only so far that will stretch when he doesn’t reciprocate. How far will you go before you drain yourself of energy and give up on the one boy you’ve ever truly loved?

- - - - - -

Falling in love with someone was a much easier process than falling out of love with them. Nobody spoke about that part of it enough. You’d see people cry, pick themselves up and just somehow manage to be okay. But there was never enough about the struggle to release that tug on your heart, to pull it back to your chest instead of yearning to be with theirs. That’s exactly how it would be with you and Guzmán.

- - - - - -

“Do you have the homework from Chemistry?” You ask Guzmán as you wait beside his locker, watching him take out the book he’d need for first period.

“Yeah, here,” He sifts through the rest of his locker and hands a sheet to you absently, “How come you didn’t do it?”

“I-“ You pause, “Just couldn’t really focus.”

He eyes you suspiciously but shrugs anyway, “I think everyone’s feeling a bit like that at the minute.”

You nod but part of you had hoped for a little sympathy from your boyfriend at that. He knew what you were going through at home, and watching your brother deal with chemo was one of the worst experiences of your life, second to losing your best friend when Marina died. Ander was a best friend to you too, you were the sort of siblings that never argued and made everyone else think you were crazy for doing so - but you always knew you had each other and that made any argument generally seem pretty futile. Especially now.

“Are you listening?” Guzmán snaps you from your daze, now standing in front of you as he talks.

“Sorry, just thinking about-“

“Guzmán, I need to talk to you,” It’s Samuel that interrupts, a look of fear on his face as he tries to give you a half-sympathetic smile.

Your boyfriend doesn’t even question it, he goes instantly. And you’re stood alone in the corridor, the concept of priorities dawning over you. You were never going to be his.

“Ready to go to class, (Y/n)?” Nadia suggests, coming up beside you, “How are you doing?”

You start walking with her, “I’m okay, it’s not easy but we just need to be there for Ander.”

“Of course, and if my brother starts being a nuisance - I apologise.”

Just like that, it all falls into normality and the comfort of having someone eradicates the upset of missing Guzmán. Although it doesn’t last long.

- - - - - -

In the afternoon, you make your way to the hospital to meet Ander and Omar for his next round of chemo. All you’d had was a short text from Guzmán saying he’d meet you there, nothing else all day.

“Omar, I’m sure you pick the worst music every single time it’s your turn,” You roll your eyes as he plays another song in the earphones that him and Ander shared, “I can tell by Ander’s face!”

Normally, you didn’t feel awkward when the two of them were together because you normally had Guzmán with you and the four of you just relaxed into your respective couples. Today, Guzmán was late.

“Okay, okay, what about this one?” Omar suggests, flicking onto the next song hopefully.

Ander eyes you, “You okay (Y/N)?”

You glance at your brother and see so much of how he has changed. His hair was still curly on his head but you knew that wouldn’t last. He looked paler and his eyes always more tired, he looked weaker and his smile didn’t seem to spread as far anymore.

You clear your throat, “Yeah, I’m just going to grab some drinks - does anybody want anything?”

They both say no and you make your exit quickly, trying to stop yourself from crying at the sight of your brother and his boyfriend. You never cried.

“Hey,” Guzmán stops when he sees you, “Still down there?”

“Yeah, normal place,” You gesture in the direction you had come from, “How come you’re late?”

“I just had some...” He pauses, “Stuff to sort out with Samu.”

It’s instinct when you nod like you understand, “Is it okay if you stay over tonight?”

“I always stay over.”

He says it bluntly but you hope he means well. And it’s true. Every night after you’d been to chemo with Ander, Guzmán slept round yours as a way of comforting you. It’s the one pocket of him you still felt like you held.

- - - - - -

It’s too late to be awake when you find yourself still staring at the ceiling above you. Your arm is tucked underneath your head and youre trying your best to think of anything other than... this.

Guzmán is sleeping soundly beside you, soft snores coming from his direction every few minutes. It should be a sound that would make you cuddle up next to him and do the same. But you didn’t want to disturb him.

With that boy laying next to you, you’d never felt lonelier. It might be selfish to say but you didn’t lie. You still had your brother and your family but there were complications there that were beyond what you could help. And Guzmán - had you become boring to him?

Before you can spiral any further, Guzmán groans beside you as his eyes flutter open slowly.

“You’re still awake?” He frowns, “What time is it?”

His voice is groggy and you can tell he doesn’t want to open his eyes too far at fear of losing the comfort of his slumber.

“I don’t know,” You reply quietly, glancing up at the darkness that spilled through the skylight window above you, “Late.”

“It’s cold,” He mumbles, reaching out an arm and tugging you toward him.

Just like that, he’s holding you like you’re still a normal couple and you wish you could’ve just asked him and felt like he’d have laughed and pulled you to his chest without question. But part of you thought that would be a helpless way of covering these wounds. So, you inevitably force yourself to sleep just as he had. It doesn’t take long for his arms to loosen their grip around you.

- - - - - -

When you wake the next morning, it’s after a very disturbed and broken sleep. Ander is sat at the table in the kitchen and you join him with a cup of coffee in hand.

“Sleep well?” He glances up, “I don’t think I need an answer.”

You hit at his arm and roll your eyes, “Well, thanks.”

He chuckles a little and winces at the hot liquid of his drink.

“Ander, can I ask you something?” You ask him cautiously but you know you don’t need a response to continue, “Have you noticed anything different between me and Guzmán recently?”

He frowns, “I don’t know, I guess you’ve both been dealing with a lot. But I don’t know, why?”

You take in a deep breath, “I don’t think he loves me anymore.”

Ander scoffs and shakes his head, “You’re serious?”

“I don’t know,” You respond, “It’s like I’m never really sure what to say to him anymore because I don’t want to burden him. Like there’s nothing I can say to make anything that he’s going through become any easier.”

“(Y/n),” Ander squeezes your hand, “You do realise you’re going through things too. This,” He gestures to himself, “You lost your best friend, you’re trying to keep up with school on top of that... it’s hard for you!”

“I sound so self involved.”

“You sound like you care about yourself and that’s not a bad thing, ever,” Ander encourages, “Talk to him, it’s Guzmán!”

“And tell him that I want him to love me again?”

“He never stopped.”

You want to believe your brother, of course you do. But it felt like there was nothing you could say that would change how Guzmán was acting.

“Hey,” His voice is familiar but you don’t want to hear it as Guzmán pokes his head around the door of the kitchen.

“Hey man,” Ander begins, “What do you fancy for breakfast?”

“I’m not staying,” Guzmán shakes his head, “I have somewhere to be.”

He’s not addressed you once. You could shrink into the ground and there was no way of changing his mind that you weren’t a priority - not now.

When he leaves is when Ander turns to you like the other half of the puzzle has clicked into place, “(Y/n)...”

“I’m going to get ready.”

You fight back the tears that threaten to spill as you’re walking toward the stairs, though there’s nobody to watch them fall. You could easily break down right here, cry until Ander comforted you enough to stop it or until Guzmán came back through that door and realised he’d forgot to kiss you before he left, forgot to tell you he loved you. But that wouldn’t happen and so, as always, you convince yourself that tears are futile and you pull them back in. As always.

- - - - - -

It’s another week that passes until you’ve practically given up on Guzmán. Not completely. Just figuratively. He’d been dipping in and out of school all week, he missed Ander’s appointment, he’d not even mentioned the party tonight and, for once, you didn’t care. You’d go anyway. You’d keep a drink in your hand, stay with your friends, let the lights go dim and forget that you weren’t loved by the one you loved.

It’s the typical story of a break up isn’t it? The girl realises her worth and the boy realises what he’s missing. Maybe that’s not what you wanted. You wanted him to see what he had. You wanted him to see the girl in front of him that was breaking at the prospect of her life and she needed him to be there to hold her waist and force those pieces of her to stay together.

And, just as you’d hoped, the club gives you that exact escape from it all. Everybody is there, nobody really caring about anyone other than free flowing champagne from overpriced bottles.

“(Y/n)!” Omar grins from behind the bar as you go up to order a drink, it always makes you slightly more comfortable when you see him working here, “The usual?”

“I’ll have a double please,” You call over the music.

His prominent brows raise as he laughs a little, “Dont tell your brother.”

“I don’t plan on it.”

That’s how you’d plan on getting through the night. You’d convince yourself that drink was a valued coping mechanism just for this one night. You were never much of a drinker. Although, it doesn’t seem that way when Guzmán turns up later.

“(Y/n)?!” He calls as he sees you.

You’re dancing in the middle of the floor with a half drunken champagne bottle in hand, somehow still managing to stay on your feet.

“What are you doing?” Guzmán exclaims when he walks over, checking you for any signs of damage.

“Enjoying myself, more than I have done in a while!” You laugh in his face and swirl around to the music.

“Come on babe, you never drink like this!”

“No, but you do,” You hiccup, stumbling as you face him, “Dance with me.”

“I’m not dancing with you, I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”

“Come on, you’d dance with me if you loved me,” You tap at the lapel of the suit jacket he’s wearing, “Oh, shit, I forgot you didn’t love me anymore.”

His face drops. Had you really just accused him of that?

“(Y/n), you don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re going home,” Guzmán encourages, trying to grab hold of your arm.

“So now you fucking care about me?” You snap, “No, fuck this, Guzmán. I put up with enough of your shit.”

With that, you’re walking away from him and he’s hurrying through the crowd after you. It’s Ander that stops him.

“I’ll go, she doesn’t need to see you right now,” Your brother defends you, holding Guzmán back firmly.

“Are you kidding? I’m her boyfriend!” Guzmán retorts, trying to keep his eyes focused on you.

“Really?” Ander scoffs, “That’s not what it seems like.”

- - - - - -

Guzmán is pacing the floor of his own house as he waits to hear from you. The view outside is practically mocking him. He should be out there going to find you, wrap his arms around you and tell you he’d never stopped loving you. But the thirty missed calls and texts told him that wouldn’t be a good idea. His sleepless night meant that it was still early and he hoped you’d still be sleeping - even if he wanted to be beside you.

He near enough throws his phone when it starts to ring and it makes him jump away from his daze. And he has to blink a million times when he sees your face on the screen, accompanied by your name and a small crown emoji. Don’t fuck it up Guzmán.

“Hi Guzmán,” Your voice sounds so weak on the other end of the phone that it makes him stop dead in his tracks, “Are you okay?”

He’s surprised at himself when he smiles, “You want to ask about me?” He lets put a gentle, weak laugh, “Dont worry about me. Are you?”

“I’m fine, Ander made sure I got home safe, and got me through a lot of drunken emotions,” You explain, “I’ve realised I’m right to not drink much - I don’t like being drunk.”

He smiles but doesn’t respond, he’d rather hold onto every single word you were saying - let you carry the conversation.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you last night, that’s not how I wanted to have that kind of conversation,” You’re so calculated in your response that it kills him - it felt like you’d been drained of all emotion.

“No, come on, you were drunk- I just didn’t want you thinking that...”

“I meant what I said.”

His heart, his hope, his life, all feel like they crash harshly around him. They break down every piece of anything he’d built up. They take away every reason he has to get out of bed, every reason to feel loved. Just like that.

“I just need to know one thing, Guz,” You start but your voice is cracking now and he starts to realise that it’s the worst sound he could imagine, “When did you fall out of love with me?”

That was it. The words that would break him. The words that ripped away any opportunity he felt like he had at happiness. Losing you. That would be what would break it all.

“Was there something I could have done? More of, less of, anything?” You’re rambling a little but he wouldn’t dare interrupt, he wants to keep every piece of you he can, “I know it might not be worth knowing but I think I need to. Just that one question.”

His chest clenches and his head starts to throb and, just like that, there are tears pulling at his eyes and falling helplessly onto his freckles cheeks. You should be there to wipe them away. You should be there to tell him it was okay. No. He should be there to tell that to you.

“(Y/n),” He croaks out, an unwelcome sob following the word as he grips the phone with a weaker hold now, “Don’t say that.”

“I’m sorry Guzmán, I should go.”

His heart is screaming at him to say the right words.

“No, (Y/n), please!”

But the beep that comes through his phone screen tells him you’ve already gone. He keeps it pressed to his ear like you’ll be back in a split second. But it’s hopeless to think that you will be. Instead, he’s left with a thousand thoughts of everything he should’ve said to you, every time he should’ve told you how much he appreciated you. He thinks back to how many times he’s kissed you and how much more he should’ve been doing it, how he should’ve remembered every single detail of your body in bed and proven to you just how much he worshipped you. It was all of those feelings that he kept so internalised whilst he focused on everything else. Because you were always just there. And now you weren’t, the cliche of knowing what you’ve lost hits him like a ton of bricks.

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hunterenough · 4 years

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I am Dean.

I am Dean. I’ve identified with the character essentially since the show aired. We’re about the same age, both oldest siblings, and we’ve both had a lot of responsibility thrust on us that we just had to learn to handle. We’ve learned to stuff down what we feel because it’s our job to get shit done, and most of the time, feelings just get in the way. We love deeply, but most people think we’re unfeeling because after 30 odd years of boxing shit up, we’re damned professionals at it.

Right about the time the show started, I’d dropped out of graduate school and was living back at home while I worked up enough cash to find a place of my own. There was very little about my life that I felt was my own, and it was very much like being back in high school. All of the things that I’d learned about myself in the years I was away were erased, and I was very much trying to act like the person everyone thought I still was. I think Dean was the same, that each time he was out on his own, he learned a little more about who he actually was, and that each time they came back together, he had to act like nothing had changed, like he was still the perfect little soldier his dad had raised. I had to act like the quiet book-smart girl my family knew. But we knew, Dean and I, what we were hiding from the world in those moments. For Dean, I think it was a recognition of grey areas, an understanding of what love really could mean, how different his life could be.

I was a lot less successful at hiding it in the long run. I didn’t come out to my family intentionally. My dad happened to come home from work early one day, and found me napping with my then girlfriend. Shit hit the fan, I was essentially kicked out of the house, and wound up living with my girlfriend. I’m really lucky. It was a pretty smooth transition, and my brothers were incredibly supportive. It took nearly a year, but my parents eventually realized that having a queer daughter was not the end of the world, and they’d rather have me in their lives than not. It wasn’t perfect, but I’ll give them every bit of credit for learning to not only accept me, but to show that they had never stopped loving me. My mom even tried to explain that they just didn’t know how to talk to me about it at first. That relationship ended, not well really, but that didn’t matter, life went on.

I met my husband-to-be the same year Dean met Cas. I won’t pretend we danced around starting a relationship like they did, but I think Dean and I had a pretty similar approach. I performed my role as a new girlfriend the way I figured people thought I should. I held hands and we kissed in public. Honestly, that’s not how I’d ever been in a relationship before. I’m not huge on touching in general, less so in public, but nobody had ever seen me in a relationship with a guy, and, after everything, I just didn’t feel like trying to explain myself again.

Performing is exhausting. When I realized that this guy was important, that I really might want him around long term, it felt even more so. Again, I’m lucky because when i started to let my mask slip, this guy fell in love with the real me too. Our relationship settled into a comfortable safe space, and I was happy. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but at the end of the day, he was always there for me.

Dean, I think, had that with Cas. Regardless of their “relationship” status, whether they were best friends or something more, Cas was Dean’s safe place. He was the person that knew all of his weaknesses and flaws and still chose to stand by his side.

Fast forward to season 12. A lot happened in those years, both for Dean and for me. Honestly though, this is where Dean and I found our next huge plot of common ground. In 2017, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I watched Dean wrap Cas for his funeral pyre while I was sitting in a hospital room next to my husband who was hooked up to IV’s in his arm and a central port in his chest. I completely understood the stoicism of the act. Our practicality and sense of duty serves us well when our world is going to shit. Dean turned to drinking, I learned exactly how to be responsible for my husband’s at home care. I’ll never be able to explain how well I understood exactly what Dean was feeling when he met Billie. I didn’t want to die, but honestly if it was my time, then so be it. I’m not suicidal, never have been, but I didn’t have a lot of fight left in me after I lost my husband.

Now, to the end of Season 15. I think Dean’s characterization after Cas was taken was spot on, but I can say that primarily because nearly all of what we saw was him with others. Remember, we’ve had years of practice stuffing our feelings down, doing what needs to be done, and acting fine.

I held my husband’s hand while he died. I did exactly what I promised him I would and told him I loved him and that everything would be okay. (We’ll get back to how much that part of the finale kicked the shit out of me in a bit.)

When he was gone, in the living room of our house mind you, because that’s what he wanted, I got shit done. I called his nursing service to report his death, called the funeral home to retrieve his body, and started notifying our friends and family. I smoked a pack of cigarettes and kept my shit together because I knew that if i started to cry, I might never stop. I watched the home nurse and the funeral director prep his body and roll it away, sent his mom home, and when I was finally alone, more alone than I’d been in years, I sat next to his bed and cried until I couldn’t breathe.

By the time my brother showed up a couple hours after I’d called to tell him my husband had passed, I was doing the dishes. It was well after midnight at this point. I’d told him I was good, but...he’s my brother, and he knows me. He came with a bottle of whiskey (another thing Dean and I have in common), and sent me to bed after we’d shared a few shots.

The thing that you don’t know, unless you’ve been through it, is that there is a TON of shit that needs to be done after someone dies. I planned a cremation, a memorial, dealt with insurance companies and our mortgage and all of our joint accounts, and by the time all of that was underway, it was time to go back to work.

When someone you love dies, there is an expectation that you’re going to grieve publically. For me, for Dean, that is unacceptable. If we’re weak, if we lean on someone while we’re dealing with our grief, then we’re letting down the people that depend on us to be strong. Yes, that’s a completely acceptable and normal thing for a good chunk of the population, but that’s not who we are. I can honestly say that moving forward with my life was literally the only thing that kept me going.

So, the final two episodes.

I didn’t question for a second that Dean didn’t talk about Cas’ declaration or his sacrifice. I sure as hell didn’t. I didn’t doubt that he’d make a seamless transition back to casework in the same way I went back to my own job. Having a role to perform that I understood and knowing how to act in specific situations made it so much easier for me to push things down. He had to prove to Sam that he was fine for the same reason that I did, so that the people who love us wouldn’t be watching our every move waiting for us to run screaming off the next cliff. My brother, the same one who showed up with whiskey, did essentially the same thing that Sam did. He didn’t push me to talk. He helped me clean all the medical supplies out of the house, made sure my house and car weren’t going to kill me, and texted me weird random memes daily just so I would text him back.

I also didn’t question the empties in his bedroom or the coat in the trunk. In private moments, when no one is around to see, it’s ok to loosen the relief valve on all of the shit that’s been tightly contained. I slept in my husband’s hoodies and emptied my bar. I understood those things. No one knew about the nightmares, and I ignored the fact that I was drowning in a million memories of my husband every day I spent at home.

To me, those things go hand in hand with losing the person you love most. Regardless of whether or not you think that Dean loves Cas romantically, you can’t argue that Cas was his life partner in a way completely different from Sam. Sam is his responsibility, Cas was his choice. He loves them both, just differently.

Disregarding the revival of an old character for no apparent reason and the fact that it was one of John’s old cases, I didn’t struggle with the handling of the vampire scene in the barn either. I don’t believe that Dean would have ever killed himself intentionally. He would have seen it as his responsibility not only to survive, but to live. Cas just died to save him, again, and there’s no way that Dean is going to let that be for nothing. For me, it was finally going to a Supernatural convention and taking a trip to Paris. For Dean, it was Pie Fest in Akron. They drove fifteen hours for pie. Live, don’t just survive.

He didn’t intentionally throw himself at that hunk of rebar. It was a byproduct of doing his job. But, I think, his reaction to it was the most real thing that could have happened. He didn’t want Sam to call an ambulance or try to save him. He didn’t want Sam to do anything but give him permission to stop fighting. He needed to hear that it was ok.

I’ve never been close to my own death. I don’t have that perspective, but in the year and a half that my husband fought cancer, I was taught to understand this moment as well. When we moved to the palliative stage of my husband’s treatment, the part where medical care is no longer about treating the disease but is now focused on providing comfort, we talked about everything. The thing that scared my husband the most was leaving me behind. He worried about how I would deal with my grief, he worried about me being alone, he worried about how I would manage a sixty hour work week and four pets and a four bedroom house and a two hour round trip commute. He didn’t worry about being dead, he worried about me being alive.

The night my husband died, we all knew it was coming. There are a variety of medical indicators, blood pressure changes, muscle changes, and most critically, at the very end, the fucking death rattle. I cannot explain this sound, I hope you never hear it, but you’ll know if you do. So, at the very end, when my husband was fighting for every breath, I held his hand, and I told him I loved him and I told him that everything would be ok. It was my way of telling him that he didn’t have to fight for me anymore, that I would be ok without him. It didn’t have to be true, but he had to hear it. I couldn’t let him die with all of that worry and guilt swirling around in his head.

Hearing Dean ask Sam to tell him it was ok hit me so fucking hard. For me, it was the clearest declaration of his love for Cas that he could have given. He literally looked at his brother, who he has sacrificed his life for in a myriad of ways, and asked for permission not to fight anymore.

Sam did the same thing for Dean that I did for my husband. He recognized that Dean would hold on as long as he could just to make sure that his little brother would be ok once he was gone. He knew Dean was miserable and suffering, so he held Dean’s hand, told him he loved him, and that it was ok. It didn’t have to be true, he just had to say it.

To be honest, I didn’t have a problem with Bobby being the one to welcome Dean to heaven. In fact, I think he was a great choice, regardless of whether or not it was a Covid related decision on the writer’s part. Bobby was his dad, someone he trusted, and was the logical person to let Dean know that Jack had revamped heaven before sending Dean out to do what he had to do to find his peace. I didn’t expect an emotional scene, it would have been out of character for both of them.

I didn’t have a problem with Dean climbing into Baby and just driving. Two years after losing my husband and I still do the same thing when the shit in my brain is moving too fast for me to deal. Baby is home to him, a place he feels comfortable and in control, and driving is the best way he knows to find some perspective.

I didn’t have a problem with the montage of Sam’s life. I thought it was terribly constructed, but the content of it was predictable. Sam stayed true to character and did what he asked of Dean before hopping into the pit. He went out and made himself an apple pie life. I would have been surprised and disappointed if it was anything different.

The thing that made me hate the finale was the end. When Dean turned around on that bridge, what we should have heard was “Hello Dean.” That hug should have been Dean and Cas. Regardless of whether or not you think they shared romantic love, Cas was family, name on the table and all. I didn’t need a love confession, I didn’t need a kiss, I didn’t need some grand romantic moment. I just needed that thank-Jack-you’re-not-stuck-in-uber-hell hug like the one Benny watched in purgatory or that Mary saw after the soul bomb. Dean’s been in heaven for a bit, long enough that Sam could have witnessed this one from the passenger seat with a grin.

There’s no way Dean would have found peace without seeing for himself that Cas was safe, and you’ll never convince me otherwise.

#spn spoilers #spn finale

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cadexfox · 5 years

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✗ Oh hello, death, have you seen [ CADE FOX ] who looks a lot like [ DOMINIC SHERWOOD ]? He is a [ 27 ] year old [ MALE ] who is also a [ HUMAN/HUNTER ]. He is described as [ + PLAYFUL, + RESOURCEFUL, + STRONG ] but also [ - IMPULSIVE, - RECKLESS, - IRRITABLE ].

TW: Death, TW: Murder, TW: Torture, TW: Injury, TW: Kidnap, TW: Burns, TW: Grief... i think that covers them, there’s basically just a wash of tragedy under the read more, you have been warned.

soooo, family history? hunters. dad died when he was 8, mom at 11 and sister at 17

1 living sister ( youngest, rhiannon fox, TAKEN )

1 living brother ( oldest, niko fox, TAKEN )

1 dead sister ( second oldest, maeve, NPC )

niko is pretty much his best friend too, they’ve gotten through some shit together

so, are you ready for the tragic event of cades life?? yikes

picture it, a hunter in love. he met a girl in highschool, he was only 15 but it was literally IT for him. when he pictured his life, she was in it.

for imagery, this was her ( click here ) and her name was georgina

plus, to find a girl you could trust enough to share secrets with was rare. and since he actually saved her life by beheading a vampire in the school gym, he didn’t really have a choice but to tell her

he told her about him and his family, about the things they hunted. it seemed like a fair warning to give her once he knew they were getting serious.

she didn’t run. yay. happy cade.

over the next 8 years they grew up together and in love. she didn’t have any family of her own ( system baby ) so she pretty much became a part of his, wherever they travelled, she came too.

they came as a package deal, honestly

cade trained her to hunt, to defend herself so she always knew how to stay safe. granted this wasn’t really the life he wanted for them but it was the life they had, they both understood. you couldn’t turn your back on hunting knowing how many more innocents would die if you did, ama right?

ANYWAY, let’s skip to them being 24, so they’re still pretty fresh-faced, ya feel. the pair left to scope out a potential hunt in Georgia

three mutilated bodies and one of them was actually an old friend which is why they got the call from his brother ( who had an idea that cade and his family dealt with weird shit like this )

so there they were, sat on the sofa in the dead friends mothers home, asking questions, trying to get a feel for what kind of creature they were dealing with, but something was OFF

where was the brother? why hadn’t he answered his phonecalls when they rang to say they were arriving?

his instincts were twitching and there was alarm bells going off in his head. this woman, the other? she smelt funny. what was that? sulfur?

when the dots finally connected, he was visibly tense. they weren’t armed, they weren’t expecting a fight. they’d only came to gather information

he kept his cool, trying not to alert the possessed mother he was onto her but of course, it was too late for that when three other demons appeared from nowhere

everything went black, he awoke chained down in the basement opposite his girlfriend, holy shitballs

as it turned out, the ring leader demon had plotted this entire thing to get them here, she wanted information

info he didn’t have, might i add

for whatever reason, she believed it was him and his family who exorcised her demon lover ( ffs, right )

queue the torture, queue the grief every time she burned his girlfriend with a hot iron for not answering her questions

how could he? he didn’t have the answers but she didn’t believe him

with every shriek from his girl, his heart broke just a little bit more

by the time the day was up, there was barely an inch of her skin that hadn't been fried ( and the smell was so bad he felt sick )

this was it, wasn’t it? he’d broken his wrist trying to slip the chains, only to be caught

so, 28 hours later? the demon relented. she believed him. but did she let them go? nah. she steered the hot iron poker SLOWLY through his girlfriend's throat until that last bit of life left her eyes

her screams, her pleas and cries for him to help her pretty much haunt him on the daily

the love of his life was dead and he was trapped there with her mutilated body, being burned himself just for the amusement of the demons

this went on for a day and a half until niko came to his rescue

though the severity of his injuries had put him in a state that was barely conscious, he was in no right mind to help, but luckily his brother was smart and he did manage to send their asses back to hell

the first thing he did when niko freed his chains was drop to his knees in front of his girlfriend's body and he BROKE

such blood-curling yells of grief and pain that somehow felt so much worse than every one of his third-degree burns

he was a shattered man, who quite honestly didn’t want to get back up off that floor, if it wasn’t for niko and rhiannon, he’d have laid down to die right there

the weeks after were a blur. he didn’t speak, not a word during his recovery. he walked out of the hospital once he was able to move ( against all the doctors wishes ) they wanted to do skin grafts but honestly? he didn’t care it wouldn’t really make a difference to him now

the months after saw a drastic change to his personality. he’d already lost both parents and a sister which took its own toll, but he had HER, she was his sounding board, the one who kept him upright ( for the most part ) without her? not even his siblings' influence did much to keep him from letting his grief eat him up

his eyes held a sadness he couldn’t hide, his behaviour was erratic. gone with the playful prankster, he changed into a reckless prick for a while, to be honest

no regard for his safety, he’d skip out, hunt alone, drink too much, start fight that didn’t need to be started

this went on for a whole year until something ELSE happened. his extreme behaviour almost got a hunter friend killed. it was a wakeup call

he began to make a conscious effort to pull his shit back together and get his life back on track, which wasn’t and still isn’t easy

he still has dark days and a lot of them to be honest, but at least he’s back to being level headed ( most of the time )

over the next two years, he slowly started coming back to himself, regain that playful side, the charm, the general kindness

basically, he just got better at hiding his inner turmoil, or drowning it in alcohol and random one night hook ups

the physical injuries healed, littering scars across his front and back which NOW, as of 3 months ago, have been covered by tattoos. symbols, markings, all strategically placed to cover the worst of the burns

with strange supernatural happenings on the rise and whispers in the hunter community of an apocalypse, the call was made to a couple old friends, the winchesters

so, cade and niko are clued in and ready to stand and fight, save the world and all that crap, ayy

i think i covered everything i wanted to?? let’s GO

#armhq:intro #about #triggers at the top #my tragedy

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gordonwilliamsweb · 5 years

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Stalked by The Fear That Dementia Is Stalking You

Navigating Aging

Navigating Aging focuses on medical issues and advice associated with aging and end-of-life care, helping America’s 45 million seniors and their families navigate the health care system.

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Do I know I’m at risk for developing dementia? You bet.

My father died of Alzheimer’s disease at age 72; my sister was felled by frontotemporal dementia at 58.

And that’s not all: Two maternal uncles had Alzheimer’s, and my maternal grandfather may have had vascular dementia. (In his generation, it was called senility.)

So what happens when I misplace a pair of eyeglasses or can’t remember the name of a movie I saw a week ago? “Now comes my turn with dementia,” I think.

Then I talk myself down from that emotional cliff.

Am I alone in this? Hardly. Many people, like me, who’ve watched this cruel illness destroy a family member, dread the prospect that they, too, might become demented.

Judith Graham (left) with her sister, Deborah.(Courtesy of Judith Graham)

The lack of a cure or effective treatments only adds to the anxiety. Just this week, news emerged that another study trying to stop Alzheimer’s in people at extremely high genetic risk had failed.

How do we cope as we face our fears and peer into our future?

Andrea Kline, whose mother, as well as her mother’s sister and uncle, had Alzheimer’s disease, just turned 71 and lives in Boynton Beach, Florida. She’s a retired registered nurse who teaches yoga to seniors at community centers and assisted-living facilities.

“I worry about dementia incessantly. Every little thing that goes wrong, I’m convinced it’s the beginning,” she told me.

Because Kline has had multiple family members with Alzheimer’s, she’s more likely to have a genetic vulnerability than someone with a single occurrence in their family. But that doesn’t mean this condition lies in her future. A risk is just that: It’s not a guarantee.

The age of onset is also important. People with close relatives struck by dementia early — before age 65 — are more likely to be susceptible genetically.

Kline was the primary caregiver for her mother, Charlotte Kline, who received an Alzheimer’s diagnosis in 1999 and passed away in 2007 at age 80. “I try to eat very healthy. I exercise. I have an advance directive, and I’ve discussed what I want [in the way of care] with my son,” she said.

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“Lately, I’ve been thinking I should probably get a test for APOE4 [a gene variant that can raise the risk of developing Alzheimer’s], although I’m not really sure if it would help,” Kline added. “Maybe it would add some intensity to my planning for the future.”

I spoke to half a dozen experts for this column. None was in favor of genetic testing, except in unusual circumstances.

“Having the APOE4 allele [gene variant] does not mean you’ll get Alzheimer’s disease. Plenty of people with Alzheimer’s don’t have the allele,” said Mark Mapstone, a professor of neurology at the University of California-Irvine. “And conversely, plenty of people with the allele never develop Alzheimer’s.”

Tamar Gefen, an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, strongly suggests having an in-depth discussion with a genetic counselor if you’re considering a test.

“Before you say ‘I have to know,’ really understand what you’re dealing with, how your life might be affected, and what these tests can and cannot tell you,” she advised.

Karen Larsen, 55, is a social worker in the Boston area. Her father, George Larsen, was diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s at age 84 and died within a year in 2014.

Larsen is firm: She doesn’t want to investigate her risk of having memory or thinking problems.

“I’ve already planned for the future. I have a health care proxy and a living will and long-term care insurance. I’ve assigned powers of attorney, and I’ve saved my money,” she said. “Eating a healthy diet, getting exercise, remaining socially engaged — I already do all that, and I plan to as long as I can.”

“What would I do if I learned some negative from a test — sit around and worry?” Larsen said.

Currently, the gold standard in cognitive testing consists of a comprehensive neuropsychological exam. Among the domains examined over three to four hours: memory, attention, language, intellectual functioning, problem-solving, visual-spatial orientation, perception and more.

Brain scans are another diagnostic tool. CT and MRI scans can show whether parts of the brain have structural abnormalities or aren’t functioning optimally. PET scans (not covered by Medicare) can demonstrate the buildup of amyloid proteins — a marker of Alzheimer’s. Also, spinal taps can show whether amyloid and tau proteins are present in cerebrospinal fluid.

A note of caution: While amyloid and tau proteins in the brain are a signature characteristic of Alzheimer’s, not all people with these proteins develop cognitive impairment.

Several experts recommend that people concerned about their Alzheimer’s risk get a baseline set of neuropsychological tests, followed by repeat tests if and when they start experiencing worrisome symptoms.

“When it comes to thinking and memory, everyone is different,” said Frederick Schmitt, a neurology professor at the University of Kentucky. Having baseline results is “very helpful” and “allows us to more carefully measure whether, in fact, significant changes have occurred” over time, he said.

Nora Super holds nieces Kylie and Lian Ascher on the couch beside Nora’s father, Bill Super, and her aunt Trudy Super.(Courtesy of Nora Super)

Nora Super, senior director of the Milken Institute Center for the Future of Aging, watched her father, Bill Super, and all three of his siblings succumb to Alzheimer’s disease over the course of several years — falling, she said, “like a row of dominoes.”

One of her sisters was tested for the APOE4 genetic variant; results were negative. This is no guarantee of a dementia-free future, however, since hundreds of genes are implicated in Alzheimer’s, Lewy body dementia, frontotemporal dementia and vascular dementia.

Rather than get genetic or neuropsychological tests, Super has focused on learning as much as she can about how to protect her brain. At the top of the list: managing her depression as well as stress. Both have been linked to dementia.

Also, Super exercises routinely and eats a MIND-style diet, rich in vegetables, berries, whole grains, nuts, fish and beans. She is learning French (a form of cognitive stimulation), meditates regularly and is socially and intellectually active.

According to a growing body of research, physical inactivity, hearing loss, depression, obesity, hypertension, smoking, social isolation, diabetes and low education levels raise the risk of dementia. All of these factors are modifiable.

What if Super started having memory problems? “I fear I would get really depressed,” she admitted. “Alzheimer’s is such a horrible disease: To see what people you love go through, especially in the early stages, when they’re aware of what’s happening but can’t do anything about it, is excruciating. I’m not sure I want to go through that.”

Gefen of Northwestern said she tells patients that “if [cognitive testing] is something that’s going to stress you out, then don’t do it.”

Nancy Smith celebrates her 81st birthday with sons Nigel (right) and Tim Smith.(Courtesy of Nigel Smith)

Nigel Smith, 49, had a change of heart after caring for his mother, Nancy Smith, 81, who’s in hospice care in the Boston area with Alzheimer’s. When he brought his mother in for a neuropsychological exam in early 2017 and she received a diagnosis of moderate Alzheimer’s, she was furious. At that point, Nancy was still living in the family’s large home in Brookline, Massachusetts, which she refused to leave.

Eventually, after his mother ended up in the hospital, Smith was given legal authority over her affairs and he moved her to a memory care unit.

“Now, she’s deteriorated to the point where she has about 5% of her previous verbal skills,” Nigel said. “She smiles but she doesn’t recognize me.”

Does he want to know if something like this might lie in his future?

A couple of years ago, Smith said he was too afraid of Alzheimer’s to contemplate this question. Now he’s determined to know as much as possible, “not so much because I’m curious but so I can help prepare myself and my family. I see the burden of what I’m doing for my mother, and I want to do everything I can to ease that burden for them.”

Kim Hall, 54, of Plymouth, Minnesota, feels a similar need for a plan. Her mother, Kathleen Peterson, 89, a registered nurse for over 50 years, was diagnosed with vascular dementia five years ago. Today, she resides in assisted living and doesn’t recognize most of her large family, including dozens of nieces and nephews who grew up with Hall.

Hall knows her mother had medical issues that may have harmed her brain: a traumatic brain injury as a young adult, uncontrolled high blood pressure for many years, several operations with general anesthesia and an addiction to prescription painkillers. “I don’t share these, and that may work in my favor,” she said.

Still, Hall is concerned. “I guess I want to know if I’m at risk for dementia and if there is anything I can do to slow it down,” she said. “I don’t want what happened to my mother to happen to me.” Probably, Hall speculated, she’ll arrange to take a neuropsychological exam at some point.

Several years ago, when I was grieving my sister’s death from frontotemporal dementia, my doctor suggested that a baseline exam of this sort might be a good idea.

I knew then I wouldn’t take him up on the offer. If and when my time with dementia comes, I’ll have to deal with it. Until then, I’d rather not know.

Stalked by The Fear That Dementia Is Stalking You published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

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stephenmccull · 5 years