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strengthpushingthrough · 8 years ago

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The fundamentals of my being

Most days my brain feels like a labyrinth of endless thoughts swirling around and for most of my life it has felt that way. I am a thinker, I think all day every day and even in my sleep. I have lived with Anxiety and Bouts of Depression since I can remember and ill live with it until i die. That being said I have let it control every emotion and outcome of every situation, confrontation and even just simple conversations. Until now.

I think it always starts at the beginning i mean thats what a beginning is for right? what i mean is i think the way we think, feel, communicate, love and express ourselves and our personality and temperament are all decided before we even leave the womb and from there its dependant on our environment and parents providing a nurturing and stable upbringing in order for us to develop in a way that is healthy. I alike many others was not given that and as much as i enjoyed my childhood breaking it down little by little i can see exactly where things when wrong and why i keep running into the walls i the built against this world. Its time to tear them down and dissect myself piece by piece.

Perfection and what it means to me

I have always been kind of a loner and have always found myself searching for that person thats going to stay. I think Perfection has been built up as this thing that will provide happiness for me sort of like a life goal. “If I'm not perfect people are always going to leave or i wasn't good enough, i wasn't perfect.” instead of having a healthy goal and striving for it i developed my own self destruction. I think it started out as “If someone didn't want to be friends with me” i wouldn't think well maybe theres something wrong with them or thats their issue. i developed the habit of blaming myself of looking inwards and looking for the imperfections that caused that person to not like me. I developed a little voice telling me i was the reason, that came from the constant bullying about my appearance of looking like a “boy” dressing in what i was comfortable with rather than what little girls were supposed to look like and it wasn't easy. I developed this from the comments from the kids at school and it seemed everywhere else too. At home it was “put something nice on and look like a girl for a change” like being comfortable in my own skin wasn't the most important thing, it was “ if you don't want to be teased dress like a girl” so i did i conformed and i learnt to be what society wanted me to be so i would be liked. but even that had its limits, that only gets you so far. it also destroys your self worth and tells you that people don't want the real you. I learnt to strive for perfection because to me if i could be perfect people would like me and i would find the person that would stay. growing up with this mindset saw me develop unhealthy attachments to clothes, shoes and material things because in school all the cool kids had all the cool stuff so surely thats what made them cool. Perfect skin is another one of these things, its like where taught from a young ago from the magazines and tv shows and movies that we must strive for that perfect skin and hairless body that anything else is disgusting. High school made me feel like my life was a joke. I had braces and pimples and i was not one of those tall girls with boys falling all over them and I'm ashamed of the way i talked to myself day in day out. I would get asked out by boys only to be dumped a minute later because who would want to go out with me. People didnt care about me I was someone to be laughed at. I was a joke. by now i had developed a sense that i was only beautiful if a boy said so and even then he could change his mind. I had a sense that i had to find validation from others, that i was more or less obsessed with trying to be perfect. How could anybody love me if i was broken, i got to the end of that with they won't and i lost interest in everything i became depressed, i wanted to die, i just wanted this pain to end. I would self destruct so much nobody even needed to say anything horrible to me i was saying it to myself from the moment i woke up and i didnt sleep i just thought about ways to end it over and over, i struggled to get out of bed in the morning so much so i wouldn't have time to do anything but get dressed and brush my teeth and be out the door. Weekends became endless days of sleeping to escape my mind and the vicious circle kept on loop. Leaving school and getting a job made this a lot better although and people weren't as horrible as they were in school and i learnt to find happiness in small things, but my strive for perfection was still there and was until about a week ago until i realised i was only enabling my self destructive side by doing that and things have changed. I feel like i opened the flood gates to the good in life. Perfection has been a rope around my neck for years and it is nothing but the most destructive word in the world. Today I am Learning to accept my imperfections because they are what make me fundamentally unique they are apart of me and i am taking control of my rebuild. I am Enough, i am more than enough for me.

My Fears

My Biggest fears are Rejection and Failure.

Rejection for me this is simply a crippling fear, it keeps my words hidden. I have in some ways found that i can put myself in positions where i could be rejected and faced this many times, because for me the risk of not living and experiencing is far worse than being rejected. So i will make the first move, i will initiate intimate situations, i will say hello first i try to push past this fear so much but it still holds me back in so many areas.. its linked to not being good enough and perfection because if i do get rejected i will look inwards and i will self destruct. Failure is a similar fear and i think its all linked back to those feelings of hurt kept the deepest.

What I’m learning

For me i am learning that the only way to get out of my depressed mindset is to figure out what the deepest issue is thats causing it. Writing is helping so much and its a release I've never had before i feel like i am empty when I'm done and my brain can finally relax the anxious buzzing goes away and i can breathe again. I read a book Called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown a couple weeks ago and this one tip she gave me has changed my life. she talks about how she gets anxious and how to only way to stop the horrible crippling control of anxiety for her was to bring light to the Gremlins. ‘Side note here The movie the Gremlins who would come out in the darkness and could only be destroyed by the light’ its the same concept when you have the anxious feelings taking over your body step back and say okay right now right in this moment whats the issue this is bringing light to the darkness controlling you. Usually its something small and easily fixable when you take away everything but the current moment and it really made me think.

Anxiety- This is the fear and worry about the future.

Depression- This is the inability to let go of the anger and guilt associated with the past.

For me Depression is very much the Anger and Guilt of the past, Its also environmental.

Bryan he was a source of depression for me but it was actually the feelings that were associated with it and once i was able to bring light to what was making me feel it, it went away. I have been very angry at him for a very long time and working towards forgiveness has helped manage it.

I know when I'm depressed and i now know how to manage it. it may never go away but knowing how to keep it from controlling me makes a world of difference. its the same with my anxiety.

I have also learnt to Meditate i have a mantra in which i say over and over in my head every morning for 20 mins and before bed for 20 mins this really has helped me to relax and gain control over my thoughts. sometimes my mind wanders throughout the meditation and as it does i bring my attention back to this mantra, it has helped me in situations where i feel those anxious and depressed feelings taking over and without thinking about it i stop and bring myself back to the current moment and i am able to figure out what really is bothering me.

This is my mantra

I am my skin in which i fit

I am this seat in which i sit

I am the sun warm on my face

I am the stones that pave this place

I am all trees that gives me shade

I am all grasses each single blade

I am the fresh milk in my glass

I am the cloud that make to pass

i am fur, feather, nail, beak and claw

i am heart and soul and so much more

I am earth, air, water, wind and fire

I am the sum of sexual desire

I am the eternal galactic tune

i am the planets , stars and moon

I am everything, yet nothing at all

i am a dancer at the universal ball

i am here, gone, yet here again

I am wild and free, all-knowing and tame

I am at peace in a state of elation

I am at one with the act of creation

I also have list of Affirmations on my mirror and i read them aloud to myself in the mirror before i leave for the day. Reality for me is that i am in control of my life, love and the pain i suffer. I choose to see the good and life is what i make it.

I believe in how powerful our minds are and if i can make myself feel the horrible pain because of habit and words then it is proven i can rewire my brain to find the positive as habit. This is a long journey we call life and i believe in the power of myself. if you think about it i think we all give the power of validation to others and when someone says something it can either make us feel good or bad and that can change our entire day so if i am kind to myself i will intern feel good.

The last month has been some intense soul searching, looking to the depths of my being in order to understand myself in any way I can. I think the way its going i can say that 2017 is the year i find myself in the darkest corners of my brain and breakdown the giant wall i have built to protect me.. it hasn't protected me from anything but the acceptance and love that i deserve to give myself. So heres to the start, to taking the steps in the right direction, to growing expenentially through experiencing life as myself and validating that i am whole and i have a light bright enough to light fires in the darkest of places, to endless possibilities, and to wake up everyday with the mindset that I have the power to do anything i can think of.

Peace out

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