#TheCrow:WickedPrayer

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The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

Let’s thank our Father in Heaven for the end of the Crow series. The Crow: Wicked Prayer is so awful even the most hardcore fanatics would dismiss it as heresy. Its only redeeming value is a smidge of originality - not to be confused for quality.

When a gang of Satanists murders James “Jimmy” Cuervo (Edward Furlong) and his girlfriend Lily (Emmanuelle Chriqui), he’s granted a chance at revenge by the Crow spirit. When Jimmy discovers his murder was part of a ritual to summon Satan/The Anti-Christ to Earth, the human race depends on this young man enacting his supernatural vengeance.

On the DVD cover of The Crow 3: Salvation, a quote exclaims “The best of the ‘Crow’ sequels!” this dubious statement is a warning. The third picture in the series is about as far away from 'good' as I am from walking on water. Despite knowing that this picture had no chance of being digestible under any definition, I was not properly prepared for Wicked Prayer.

There are so many things wrong with this movie. To begin, this Crow has no presence. He’s not intimidating or charismatic, no amount of flashbacks showing us him and his girlfriend together can squeeze any amount of sympathy or interest from his plight. You’re too busy laughing at the ridiculous makeup, applied via Sharpie (I’m not kidding). It's a cheap movie that was halfheartedly cobbled together. The continuity is horrendous, with numerous scenes alternating between Jimmy having white makeup on his face, and others with nothing but the black lines on his forehead and cheeks. Yikes.

At least this time around the Crow has to fight someone other than a bunch of generic thugs. Not only are they ex-convicts, they’re Satanists who name themselves after the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. “Pestilence” (Yuji Okumoto), “Famine” (Tito Ortiz), and “War” (Marcus Chong) are led by “Death” (David Boreanaz) and his fiancé... Lola (Tara Reid). They’re as thrilling as a pair of dirty socks, even during the climax when Death becomes inhabited by the spirit of Satan/transformed into the Antichrist. The film seems to believe the two terms are interchangeable, or maybe no one bothered to proofread it. They certainly didn't care enough to give Dennis Hopper any good lines. Honestly, why bother when you're making a direct-to-DVD picture in a franchise that hasn’t been good since 1994.

In addition to making every mistake its predecessors have made, this film pioneers new kinds of blunders, courtesy of the loony doomsday plot. This is the kind of infernal sentence that should be unintentionally hilarious. Instead, it’s a chore to watch. The DVD I viewed did not offer subtitle options, meaning I had to listen carefully while everyone else around me wailed like the tormented spirits found in Dante’s Second Circle of Hell. At least Danny Trejo got paid for his small part. What am I getting out of it?

If you’re a fan of the series, just watch the first one again. I’ve seen all of them and in order of best to worst, it goes The Crow, The Crow 3: Salvation, The Crow 2: City of Angels and finally Crow 4: Wicked Prayer. Huh. I guess that quote on the DVD cover was right. That doesn't mean anything. I can’t think of any reason to recommend The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer to anyone. Even if you’re a fan of the actors, all they do is embarrass themselves. I bet they're praying every night they could forget about this movie. I sure do. (On DVD, September 30, 2016)