#TheAdventuresofMary-KateandAshley

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: The Case of Thorn Mansion (1994)

Even for someone that finds some way to remain entertained during even the very worst pictures, The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: The Case of Thorn Mansion stretches the limits. Worse than the horrendous performances, cheap production, sloppy filmmaking, and amateur script is the lie. Though the VHS cover may make it look like a movie, it isn't.

The first in a series of eleven musical mystery videos starring actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, the twins play super sleuths whose motto is “We’ll solve any crime by dinnertime”. In this episode, they travel to Transylvania (good luck getting back before dinner with that one) to investigate a ghostly figure spotted inside the abandoned Thorn Mansion.

Unless your last name is “Olsen”, you've got no business watching this. The production is so shoddy it actually looks like a home movie that someone edited with Windows Movie Maker. Think I’m exaggerating? Any scene where the twins’ pet dog Clue is supposed to be dancing, or doing anything is almost always - and obviously - footage that's been reversed. It’s supposed to create the illusion that he’s paying attention to the action instead of being bored out of his doggie mind. At one point, a stagehand can be seen prompting the twins to walk up the stairs to the Thorn Mansion. Even something as easy as a trip via map looks bad. Continuity errors throughout and repeated invitations to join the Olsen Twins’ fan club make it obvious artistry was not a priority.

All of these issues pale in comparison to the acting and writing. I know this movie is made for kids, but when your mystery can be solved the second it’s introduced and the “ghost” being investigated is so obviously not a ghost, something’s wrong. I’ve seen episodes of Scooby-Doo that had more genuine mystery and suspense. And in those, everyone knows it’s always some old man in a mask! As for the twins themselves, they do not display an ounce of acting talent while delivering this terrible script filled with the most obvious and clichéd jokes. I never watched Full House but based on the skills they showcase here, I imagine the show must've been unintentionally hilarious every time they were on-screen.

Am I a bully for picking on a couple of (at the time) 9-year-old kids? Maybe a bit. Let me redirect my frustration. The real blame lies in the snake-oil salesmen who produced this VHS tape. It’s a shameless cash-grab to get impressionable little girls to fork over their money for the “Mary-Kate and Ashley Fun (Fan) Club”. This was quickly written, with as little effort and budget possibly invested into a machine that would turn two little girls into mad money makers.

The fact that I made it through this entire thing is a testament to my willpower/stubbornness. The only good thing I can say about it is that there is one song out of the six that shows tiny inklings of a creative spark. It’s not much and the singing isn't worth the napkin it was written on, but when your movie is essentially a swirling, sinking whirlpool that drains the willpower out of any adult watching, those few sweet minutes feel like the soft caress of milk and honey down your throat after 40 years of wandering in the desert.

I doubt even Mary-Kate and Ashley’s loving parents would be able to sit through this mystery because it’s just so cheap, so badly written and so poorly acted. The real mystery in The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: The Case of Thorn Mansion is “why did I sit through this?” (On VHS, September 21, 2015)