#The worst part is I am not even like against euthanasia as a personal choice that is a hard HARD choice to have to make

[x-h3kk3ning-x]

I have always had hangups about the solution they provide to the people in the Good Place, and it just hit me why. Don't reblog this to be mad deep ok, I am not ur platform.

Anyway, I love that show but struggled for YEARS over how they "fix" the Good place, by giving everyone a door to oblivion. It is a good well written philosophical ahow about important issues and that ending just...I always hated it, and no one else did, and the reason is bc of suicide.

When they arrive at TGP all the people there say that they feel nothing anymore and there is no way out. They feel trapped in this place of happiness and bliss, and the gangs solution to them being trapped is................death? That....is so....like against what the rest of the show says. What is ethically right to do when someone tells you they feel trapped by life? It isnt to tell them to stop existing. I have this conversation with my therapist all the time, not about TGP but being trapped in life. I went the route of suicide, and it failed and I am luckily still here but damn...did that arc hit those nerves HARD! There waant even an option to try life again? To be reincarnated. It was ONLY, stay trapped here or become nothing forever.

Like.....no. what? After all they learned this is what was come up with? I know shows are not perfect and the ending of TGP was not awful I just.....like...That was it? A whole show about being ethically better to each other and the ending is....euthanasia?

[nikakistos]

The mindset of Eren Yeager: The reason he rumbled the World

The topic I will be analyzing this time is Eren Yeager’s decisions and motivations in the final arc of the series. Many words have been said about our main protagonist, especially after his appearance in the final chapter, which made many question him and his actions. Given the dialogue between him and Armin it is not really hard to understand why. Isayama’s word choices have confused many fans. So, here I am. Trying to explain to the best of my ability what was going through Eren’s mind. Of course, I might be wrong. There have been many interpretations of the character after all, not to mention that Isayama will be releasing a character book the next month, which might explain things better. But, seeing as I will be in the army at the time, I figured I should write this now and compare my view to Isayama’s later on.

To begin with, we have to answer a very important question. What was Eren wish and what kind of life did he want to live? This question can easily be answered just by looking at Mikasa and Armin, Eren’s two most beloved people. These two represent what Eren wants out of life. Armin is responsible for Eren’s desire to be free. The outside world for Eren is freedom. Mikasa on the other hand represents Eren’s desire to be loved. She is his home to return to. You see, these two desires perfectly correspond with the visions Eren shared with his two friends in the paths. He used the paths to see with Armin all the places from Armin’s book that they imagined back when they were kids and he used the paths to live with Mikasa the life they never had the chance to live in the real world. Eren himself says he doesn’t want to die. He wants to live with Mikasa and everyone else. This is the kind of life he wants.

  But he couldn’t. And it wasn’t because of some supernatural force that guided his own actions and prohibited him from making another decision. No. It was because of his personality and the circumstances he found himself in. After Eren saw the future his attitude changed. He was by far more silent and sad than usual. He saw himself committing mass-genocide. He also learnt that the world was not what he imagined it to be. Eren wanted the world to be just like Armin’s book described. Empty of humans, but full of beautiful places. However, between himself and his dream stood enemies. Countless people who had never seen them, all wishing them dead.  The outside world had betrayed his expectations. For him, all these people that stood between him and his dream were just like the walls in Paradis. An obstacle. This is why, despite knowing that the Rumbling went against the justice he was supposedly fighting for, he decided to complete it. Deep down, he hated this world and he wanted to burn it down. This is in part due to his idea of freedom. For Eren, freedom is living your life the way you want it to, without ever taking orders from anyone. Doing whatever you want. This is why he was surprised by Levi’s follower attitude towards Erwin. With all his strength, he expected Levi to be the freest person in the legion. A world that continued to chain him down and disappoint him was something Eren could not tolerate. And when he got the power, he just wanted to erase it. He was free to do so.  It is no coincidence that the panel of his father saying to him “you are free” appears at the same time that Eren reveals his desire to destroy the world. This burning desire of his to erase the world contradicts his view on people being special because they were born in it. If this world makes people special just because they were born in it, then why the fuck would you completely destroy it Eren? Well, that’s exactly the point. Eren’s though process is entirely irrational. That’s true for all humans to a degree. Our deepest and darkest desires are irrational. The part of Eren that wanted to bring the Apocalypse, just because the world wasn’t like he wanted it to be is exactly that. Eren had to choose between what was just and what made him feel free. He chose the latter.

Moving on to the more rational side of his motivations for doing the Rumbling. That is the safety of his friends and his island. Eren genuinely cared for all of his friends. Mikasa and Armin were special, but he also cared for Historia, Jean, Connie, Sasha etc. He even cared for fucking Floch. And, obviously he cared for the island that he was raised in. He couldn’t just let the world annihilate them. This is like, the core of his ideology. If you fight, you might survive. If you just roll over, then you get fucked. Eren is not the type to get fucked. However, this did not mean that Eren wouldn’t opt for a different solution if a better option presented itself. After all, he did appear in the speech given by the Organization that protected the rights of the Eldians. The first problem here is that when Eren saw the memories of the future he had just 8 years left to live. Zeke had 5. Eren was displeased with this lack of time. The second problem was that he was stuck with a hilariously incompetent leadership. The leadership of Paradis failed spectacularly in finding a good solution and wasted half of Eren’s remaining lifespan. At the rate the Survey Corps were progressing, Zeke would have died and without him they wouldn’t be able to use the Founding Titan at all.  Additionally, none of the solutions they tried to find were exactly great. The 50 Y.P. required the sacrifice of Historia and her line, without ensuring with 100% certainty the eternal existence of Eldia. Since Eren cared about Historia and the island, he couldn’t accept such a proposal. The rest of the Survey Corps felt the same way. Hizuru on the other hand didn’t help them at all and Hange’s plan to approach the Organization that wanted to protect the rights of the Eldians failed spectacularly. Eren was left out of options.

The biggest turn off for him though was the revelation of Zeke’s real plan. When Yelena learnt that the SC would visit Marley she approached Eren and told him all about Zeke’s euthanasia and how to contact him. From this point on, Eren really had no other option left to save Paradis. If the meeting with the Eldian Rights Organization were to fail then he would have no choice but using Zeke’s blood, especially given his brother’s limited lifespan. He would never get another chance to visit Marley, nor was it certain that Zeke and he would manage to make contact. Worst case scenario, Zeke dies before meeting Eren, Colt gets the Beast, the Global Alliance attacks Paradis and they get fucked. Or, the SC somehow manage to find a serum to turn Historia into a dumb Titan, have Mikasa and Levi alongside Eren restrain her and use the Rumbling anyway, while also having sacrificed Historia.

  Things might have been different if Eren had actually decided to talk about the future he saw. Knowing what would happen if they didn’t try hard enough, might have made the Corps work harder. Of course, Eren just couldn’t predict the outcome of such a decision, so he decided to stay quiet, since, as established above, deep down he wanted to destroy the world.

Eren’s decision in the end came down to this: either he destroys the world or he says “fuck all” and elopes with Mikasa. He loved her enough to abandon everything and live his last few years peacefully with her. His dream about the outside world, Armin, Historia, Paradis, he was ready to turn his back to all of them just so he could selfishly survive with Mikasa. However, both he and Mikasa are incredibly shy people who can’t quite express their feelings easily. So, instead of telling her that he was in love with her, he left it all to her. To top it all off, he framed the question in such a way, that gave her the chance to pick an easy answer, without risking rejection. Then they got interrupted and the rest is history. He said fuck it and accepted his fate.

Attack on Titan’s world does operate under a fixed timeline. Destiny exists. Ever since Ymir became a titan up to Mikasa killing Eren was predetermined. They were meant to happen, exactly as they happened. However, the reason for that is not entirely supernatural. It is just that the personalities of each and every major character led to the result we saw. It is entirely because Eren cared about his friends and because he dreamt of freedom that he chose to rumble the world. It is his and Mikasa’s shyness that robbed them of a future together. Ymir had nothing to do with all that. It wasn’t Ymir who made the Santa Titan dumb enough to not bite Eren properly, nor was she the one who made the Azumabito clan greedy as hell or the Marleyans imperialists.

Eren knew what he would do and this of course played a major role in his decisions. But nobody forced him to do it. And, more than anything, he also knew why. Deep down, he knew. Eren decided Rumble the world, because he wanted his friends and island to be safe and because he hated the world. Eren accepted his fate, because he was left with no choice that he liked, time was running out and because Mikasa didn’t give him the right answer. The result? 80% of humanity dead, some of his friends dead, the ones who survived are mostly well, with Mikasa being the saddest one. The world is slowly marching to war, with the Yeagerists having regrouped and Armin and the co are trying to prevent this. The island’s survival is by no means guaranteed.

  Was it all for nothing? I don’t think so. Eren saved Paradis for some time, giving the chance to Armin to save humanity. After all, he did tell him so himself. Eren believed that with the Rumbling leaving the world in the state we saw, Armin would be able to find a solution. The series seems to imply that this is what will eventually happen.

In the end, Eren acted just like himself. Just like he told Falco. His reasons are not that complicated. He kept moving forward, because he was seeing something beyond this hell. We know now what that something was. His actions make total sense. It is just that his deep desire to end the world is rooted in his own childish view of freedom and of the world. In a story about children who need to become adults, Eren remained a child. His two friends on the other hand didn’t. Armin accepted his role as the Commander of the Survey Corps and despite the world not being what he wanted it to be, still fought to protect it from the person he once wished to explore this earth with. Mikasa accepted her role as a guardian of humanity and not Eren’s, like she believed herself to be, and despite wanting to share her life with Eren, she killed him. Eren saved Mikasa and Armin. This is his legacy. A world without titans.

[thanatophobia-thoughts]

Trigger warning: Suicide.

One of the death anxiety groups I’m a member of has banned all talk of suicide. Even the allusion to suicide. Given that plenty of people with thanatophobia also suffer from suicidal ideations (I’m not one of them), I find this to be strange that suicide would be banned from the conversation, but nothing else, like health anxiety, the passing of other people, etc., is.

I do not encourage suicide in any circumstance, however I’m not here to police anyone against it, either. Many humans want a dignified death, and we offer this to our pets through euthanasia, thinking we are making the “right decision” for them. Having been previously suicidal, and understanding the pain of dignity loss, terminal illness, and much else, I am not here to say suicide is bad in every single circumstance. I will say that it is not a choice I encourage, and I would rather people find alternatives, but life is what it is, and I’ll not take a dignified death, or a choice, away from a person, either.

Sometimes, that choice is all that keeps us going.

So I am here to talk about how the choice to die is important today, and why I think that discussion needs to exist, in general.

I tried to kill myself when I was much younger, multiple times, for what I now consider very stupid reasons. Among them was, in fact, to punish the people I thought should care more about me in life, knowing they would suffer if I died, and realize how important I was to them. Others were the more usual, the pain of growing up and changing roles, status, and much else, in life. Everything was out of whack, and I didn’t have a good support group back then, nor was I telling anyone what was wrong with me. Despite wanting to punish people for not caring, I never let them know that I wanted them to care more, that I needed more, because I was caught up in stoic ideations of never letting anyone know you have weaknesses.

I’ve grown past that.

My dad’s told me he’s considered suicide, when he was a caretaker for his father. I’m aware, as well, that he doesn’t want to be in the same state as his father, and would rather commit suicide – this, while professing to want immortality, and being afraid of death.

He’s more afraid of having someone wipe his ass for him, than he is of death. He’s more afraid of losing his dignity, and having people remember him in that final, worn down, disease destroyed, state.

I would rather wipe his ass, and have him carry on to see what comes next, although, I’d really rather not be in that position, either. I know the kind of mental drain that will be. The emotional drain, to see my father reduced to that – but there was a time in my life when he was changing my diapers. Fair’s fair, right?

I know that him knowing he has that choice is important to him, and I’m aware that he might take it one day. It won’t be a reflection on how well I took care of him, or even of how little I meant.

In some ways, it will be because I meant too much for him to inflict the burden of himself on me any further.

It’s a thought that’s hard to cope with, when my brain goes off on imagining scenarios of the future, where we all end up at our worst.

I think he might last a while longer, because he knows it is an option. Because he knows he can, I believe, he won’t, for quite a while.

It’s hard to explain that contradiction to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

When I was getting over my suicidal ideations, I found power in knowing I could. I found power in writing characters who suffered similarly, knew they could, and found reasons not to. Created timelines, “I should live this long, to see this movie, and then I can check in with these thoughts again”. “I should wait until my cat dies”. “I should” “I should” “I should”.

I should became a mantra that turned into I can.

And “I can” is powerful.

I can commit suicide. Yes, I can. I absolutely can, any day, any time, for any reason. I have no desire to do it, but I can, if I ever have that desire.

But, if I ever do have it, I should wait for my cats. They’re only 6 years old now. I think they have 10 more years, at least. I should live that long, because I made a promise to them that I would be their forever home. So I will be.

And then ten years pass. I can commit suicide – but now I’m 41. Maybe my brother has children, or maybe I’m finally preparing to visit Japan. Maybe I started a new book series. I should attend to these things first, and then maybe, maybe, maybe.

And then I’m 81.

I can commit suicide.

But, maybe I should first go get breakfast at IHOP with the family on Sunday first, and hear my nieces and nephews make fun of me for drinking decaf.

And then I’m 85, and I have cancer. I can…but maybe I want to try and be 100, now that I’ve been told I can’t. And then I die at 87, from cancer, no choice of my own – and yet, it was, all along. Because at any moment I could have made the choice to stop things early.

I’m afraid of death.

I don’t want to die, although I have craved it in the past. I know others who are afraid, and crave it, at once. I don’t envy them – but I think they can find power in knowing it is a choice, even when it doesn’t feel like it at times.

Even when the pain seems insurmountable, and it feels like the only choice is to end it – it is a choice. And I think “I should” statements are powerful in those moments, to remind us of the choice, and help us make the best one in the moment.

Even if it’s “I should wait until I have finished my drink”, “I should wait until I have cleaned the dishes so someone else isn’t dealing with the mess”, “I should take a shower first”.

A mantra of “I should” can keep you going forward.

And so I think, discussion of suicide should be a part of thanatophobia, because of the people who suffer both. Because someone in one of the groups committed suicide and couldn’t talk about it, because any allusion or mention of it, was banned. Because this dual suffering of fearing death and thinking death ends all our pain, is a terrible thing to endure alone, especially when the fear creates so much pain, and is so constant, so unending, that death seems preferable even when it is our greatest fear.